- Today is probably the worst v-day thus far. Just dragging myself through it.
Things feel hopeless, since after last thursday. As it turns out, there wasn't going to be a future after all.
But! There's still all that... so so many things I have not said. So many. You have barely even begun to scratch the surface, and you say that what you see is already beautiful enough? Beautiful enough to ask for more, for love. But! There's an immeasurable volume unseen and untouched. How that would've blown you away, swept you off your feet, humbled. I have not even played my trump cards, not even offered those pieces of me, that made me the person I am today, that offered maybe the missing jigsaw puzzles when you say you can't figure me out. Like there's an area you can't quite touch. That's because I haven't shared.
We are not even there yet. Barely, scratched the surface. You might've thought you've seen it all, seen it all already. Or maybe the snail pace was not fast enough and life had to roll on. You have your missions and your deadlines, and I have my 'nows' to live, preferring not to conjure and project a future, preferring to bask in the present and soak it as it is. Come what may. That was what I wrote. Told myself. No expectations, no predictions, no demands. No rush. I don't want to run at all. No.
I wanted to float with the natural movement that emotion brings. Did just that. But it wasn't enough for you. No. It wasn't enough, and a value measured came up short. Logical deduction says split, there are better things to spend your time upon? Probably.
But I was a surface, barely scratched. And there are moments, moments that flit in and out like flies buzzing in a hot afternoon. Moments when I imagined a magical time of revelation. Of peeling behind covers and shields, letting you in, showing you the beacons inside. Weaving the arc of my histories, and comedies, and lulling you into falling for me... the Proper way. When you've really known me, could you say you love me. Because I don't drop words like these easily, because I weigh my words like gold and once spoken, I don't ever take them back.
I am a surface you've barely scratched. Sometimes, I wished you had waited for me to meet you there. At the faultline.
elsa | 11:44 PM
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