- Work has been trying lately. There have been problematic 'clients'. They annoy me. Maybe I'd prefer working with the numbers, numbers don't argue back at you. But anyways....
I'm at a stage of my life... that I can only describe as 'weird'. I guess it's weird cos I'm the kind of person who wants to know what she's in for, what's ahead. I'm a Planner, with the occasional penchance for pleasant and spontaneous surprises. I like surprises when I consider them a 'bonus', like something fun but extra at the end of the day. Not expected, not needed. Actually, I tend to live my daily life on such an edge. With the occasional social event springing up with only a few hours' notice. That's fun, that's exciting.
But it's different when it comes to major life events, I'd prefer to anticipate that, to know what's in store. To know where I'm going.
The other day my friend asked me, "So what do you really want?" and I couldn't answer.
Am I supposed to know what I want? What's right for me? It seems the more I live, the less I know what I want, and the more I know what I don't want. I wish I could say I knew what I wanted for sure, and commit to it with full conviction, but I'm not sure if it's going to be another wrong choice that I'll make. Another of those choices that tell me what I don't want, instead of yes, this is what I really want, what I'm missing, searching for.
This six-month break feels surreal. At times I feel as though I'm both in the dreamland of a student, still ignorant to the realities and responsibilities of adulthood and earning your own keep, and at the same time I'm deep in the muck of career, of work and having a taste of life for the next 40 years. Life chasing papers and moneys, of climbing the ladders, of searching and probing for opportunities, of proving your worth to your bosses, of learning about the cogs and machinery of this industry, this world. Of making yourself a success - material success. I dread going back to either. Because I know my last semester is one party which I don't want to end. Because I know once work starts, youth and idealism as I know it, would be over. And I am no longer the slug who could eat leaves and daydream all day about the endlessness of life. I'll be out of this cocoon, now winged, and supposedly equipped to take on this world. I'm not sure if I'm ready. Not about whether I'm smart or good enough, but whether my heart's ready for it. To grow up.
There are so many things of youth I have yet to do. So many things that take on a different flavour when done while you're still in school, and carefree. And before one even gets to live the foolishness and heady rush of youth, one has to grow up and look through the lens of jadedness, cynism-laden eyes, and know that the wishes and wants of youth are a fleeting memory and best left in dreams. Never experienced. Always romanticised. Maybe some things are best left that way? The things we never had. The things we didn't try. The have-nots, the left-outs, the forgottens, the empty. But onward soldier march! Time doesn't wait, and grow up I have to, grow out of my dreams, even before I've the chance to give breathe to them.
My time is running out. And I'm resigned to the fact, that some things in this world are never meant to be. Not in this lifetime. Whatever happens hereon from now, is a bonus, not expected, not hoped for, or believed in, I'll leave my aspirations at the door. To wish, to want, is a moot point. To dream, is a moot point. For my mind is better spent upon blank. Numbingly, refreshingly, blank. And this, 'fuck-care I'll do whatever I want' train of thought acts like a soothing balm on a fatigued heart.
Because the truth of the matter is, some things in this world are never meant for me. Not in this lifetime. And this bitter pill now swallowed, frees me to rush headlong into whatever, whenever, instanteneous happiness, electric circuit joy, bursts of fulfillment.
So the past is an ugly one. Noted with thanklessness. The present is a question mark, some blips of activity, of highs and twists and sometimes, certain lows. But there is a change in pace and colour and life nonetheless. Noted with thanks. Although it poses questions to me, makes me wonder what I want, makes me wonder if I was mistaken, thought I knew what I was looking for, what I needed. There's also been some trying times, some bumps in the road, makes me question myself. Maybe I need more compassion. Maybe I need to stop counting. Maybe I should learn to lie, and to be less honest. Maybe I should stop pushing for equilibrium, for balance, maybe I should learn that being a doormat is sometimes good, that unfair suffering, is sometimes good in the larger picture. That I cannot hold people to my own standards. And measure themselves up to me.
But it's tough, when you thought you found your equal once.
But awareness is acknowledgement is a work-in-progress to overcome your weakness. And yes, I will learn not to analyse, not to measure. Not to mind. And whatever happens from hereon now, is a bonues, not asked, not expected, not wanted, but given (if God feels like it). It will be a pleasant surprise. And if not, onward soldier march! For I have growing up to do, and no time for the daydreams of my youth. For I've spent the greater part of 4 years chasing those dreams, and now with only 6 months left in official youth-dom, I will let them go. For they have not served me tangibles anyway, and my time is better spent in living, than in dreaming. And whatever happens, will take a miracle to go against all of life's past history so far.
This mathematician has no way of calculating a miracle. It may not even occur in her lifetime, but if it does. Well, if it does.
elsa | 10:15 PM
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