- There's been alot going on lately.
I've done quite a few things, met a few new people. It's funny how in a span of 2 weeks, so many things seem to have occured. There are times I cannot remember what I did 2 or 3 days ago because there are just so many things to keep track of.
For one, the bank account is steadily diminishing. I have a detailed excel sheet of my expenses, with the remaining funds in large bold numbers at the top of the sheet. Everytime I make an entry, it decreases. It has been decreasing faster than I anticipate. The camera purchase, my trip to Death Valley fees, the themepark ticket fees, a whole host of eating out at restaurant events etc etc. And some part of me still holds onto the hope of going back to Hawaii during the April study break or after semester.
I've met R twice. And he has really pickled my brain. The things he say... about me. And ways of thinking, ways of changing. I've never really heard a perspective like this. Then again, I don't usually tell enough for people to offer a perspective. He knew, uncannily accurate. Without my telling. Maybe it's a skill that comes with experience, and with knowing enough, and knowing people. It leaves me in limbo.
What do I do now. He teaches me to know. But. Yeah, you could show me the door but whether I walk through that door is another story. I have been thinking alot about what he says.
To move a mountain is difficult. To change perceptions and self-identity is difficult. Everytime I'm faced with another situation, I stop and remember what he said and boy, is it tough to change what I'm thinking. Right now.
I feel confused.
The Group tells me one thing. R turns around and tells me another, from personal experience. And now I face yous, and the warnings of the Group tells me forget it. But I can't deny what's possible.
And when I make things impossible, it has fulfilled the prophecy I foretold to myself. Sounds like an old record, isn't it?
Many times, we like to think we live in fairy tales. That everything will work out in the end, that everyone will have a happily ever after. As if God or anyone else owed us this happily ever after. But we forgot the tedious realities of the world. That things don't magically fall into your lap. That hard work is what it took for people to succeed. And hard work is what's needed for your own success. That there's no such thing as serendipity, but only created opportunities. That there's no such thing as coincidence but carefully orchestrated moves. And the reasons for 'misfortune' can be easily explained by one's own desposition. Why are you confused by your state, when you know perfectly well, what you've been doing, thinking.
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I've been doing many things. But now the novelty of being in LA has kind of worn off. There are times that I still feel astounded by this expanse of land, by these different places that I'm seeing. I've gone to theme parks, strip clubs (yes I have), walked through the most dangerous street in the middle of the night, pushed my boundaries. For a long while, you were living outside yourself, taking in the sights. Now you're living back in your head, more and more frequently. And I don't know what's going to happen when I come back to Singapore. If anything would change.
There is someone I was looking forward to meet tomorrow. But the meal has been cancelled. And I'm highly disappointed. More poignantly, it brought back a flood of familiarity. And I'm hearing R's words again.
elsa | 5:22 PM
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