- I'm beginning to develop an unwavering sense of worth.
In the past it bobbed like flotsam, depending on the tides of external feedback. Positive. Negative. And my position on self changes. Especially when it comes to the 'softer' aspects of me, the side less determined by fact and meritocracy, that cannot be graded or scaled in mathematical terms. The more important aspect actually, of my personal self-worth.
Now I do know, have some surety, of what I am, stand for and can offer. And that is a pillar that doesn't shake despite a storm. Previously, if people didn't see my worthiness, I would whimper, rail and wonder whether I am truly stunted. Or beat down invisible walls, fists pumped and head shaking about the 'why' of all this unfairness. Why don't people see the goodness in me and how I could give them the world, if only they'd let me.
These days, when my worth is lost in their sight. I shrug my shoulders and make a mental note that oh, this is another random result in the chaos of life. Bad roll of the dice. But the dignity remains. I still remain. And I think, that is the most crucial point of all. The only one that matters. No matter what opinion the world holds of you, it doesn't change who you are.
I used to say, that I am made for greater things than This. Some days I wonder if that is really true. Just as how some people are fated to be in plane crashes, or encounter accidents, or perish young, or be gifted, or not. There is no such thing as equity in our different life experiences. And we can't physically, possibly experience everything there is in this world anyway. Maybe This is one of the things I don't get to experience, not in my cards.
But lately, I'm struggling against this old held mindset. This downer, morose, feeling that my past histories will point the trajectory of my future. That truly history will always repeat itself ad nauseum and every single hurt I encounter again is a deja vu and time warp I cannot escape. Maybe I am wired this way. Fated for this lack.
But as this pillar of self-worth gains increasing momentum in my heart, the more I rebel against this old belief. Surely, if I am a pillar, one day somehow, this pillar will see it's day in the sun.
One day. I will get there. Or maybe, I will find that somehow or other, I had arrived.
Still. I am tired of this desire. There are still days where I wish I won't feel anymore desire.
elsa | 10:55 PM
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