Saturday, June 16, 2012

you know what hurts the most? That the other party would never comprehend the depth of your love, and your sorrow.

So I tried to fill myself. Literally. All nights booked, went to the edge of the cliff and dared that jump. Came home, reminded unwelcome, those triggered thoughts of you.

Oscillated between anger and despair, grumbling annoyance and prideful stubbornness. And all it takes is a sign of life from you to crumble my walls again. Laid up painstakingly, brick by brick. I want to smash the screen and I want to reach into it at the same time. Just as how I used to want to reach into it during our skypes, trace the outlines of your pixels. And feel our hearts and minds meet across the physical distance.


Love is a lie.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Funny how quickly one finds oneself back to square one. Funny how a change in situation makes you think it will actually last, this change. Sorry my friend, it's another false alarm. This time, a false alarm till the 11th hour before reality pulls the plug and sucks you away from almost-yours, hands outstretched, almost touching. Almost there.

I almost got there. I was this close. Imagine.

Now I'm back to 'normal mode'. My version of normal, that is. Frustrating that there's nothing to be angry about. Frustrating that there's no one to blame. Frustrating that the only explanation is that there is none at all. This is how life is. You're not supposed to be able to deduce it.

One can rail and scream and punch the walls, or cry your eyes to a puffy state. One can get cynical and sour, and pour scorn over Hollywood romance. One can feel despair and let it seep through and through, defining your mindsets. One could look at others and swallow the reminders that this is not you, it's them. One can resign themselves to a lifetime of this, and plough yourself into surer pursuits like excelling at my job and never getting struck out at the bat. One could explore the watery dungeons below equilibrium and lose yourself in nature. One could take solace in the fact that the journeys of the world are still there to be explored and tasted, even though ventures in the inner worlds are shut to you. One could feel numbness again, and get to the state where the thought and desire for another is a fog faraway. Somewhat faint and familiar, but very far away, almost out of sight, definitely, out of mind.

I was this close. But who am I kidding anyways. A random miracle, that was what it is. Real life doesn't turn out this way and real life caught up with me, I guess. As it always does in the end.

Funny how when your head's in the clouds, how rapid the fall to the pavement is. And how abrupt the stop in motion is, how jarring. How sobering.

Fuck this shit seriously. I'm done with being politically correct about these matters. One short, positive blib does not cancel out a whole chart of negatives. Especially not when the blib gave you a taste of what's missing in your life, before ripping the sight from your eyes.

Come Elsa, let's do what you do best. Hit and score. Work hard. Be smart. If anything at all, there is that Ar ab guy. Let's forget ourselves in him in a life without consequences. Let's return to caring only about one person - me. And let's avoid the unpleasantness, the things that remind, that jar. Let's avoid the depressives. Let's lose ourselves in the virtual fantasies, of knights and loot and leveling.

It's time to grit your teeth and look back at the world with steely eyes. Wear back my breastplate of steel. You could disappoint again and again. But I'm prepared for it, I've fought too many times. Gone through these wars. I know how it is. What's another to me. I'm used to it already.

I'm used to this. These false alarms. Fake hopes. These games and practical jokes of life. These banana peels on my life journey. You could throw these sticks and stones, and go on throwing, cos I don't feel. Don't want to feel. Any longer.

Fuck it. Really.