Sunday, May 22, 2011

I thought I found my living-reincarnate the other day. You really remind me of myself.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Work has a numbing effect on a person. Strangely, its presence is welcomed. Some days you're so addled with numbers and procedures and next-steps and hows, whys, what-nows. So much processing going on, and it's hard not to take work to bed with you. To stop the hamster in your imaginary office wheel up there from running. Then you come to the weekend and you're reminded, reminded that you still have a life. But truth be told it's never really that far from your mind, that life. During brief moments of slacking, you ponder the schedule for the weekend, so ... purposeful, so carefully crafted, everything fitted efficiently into their slots. Some blank spaces in between for housework... and whatever there is to do at home.

I haven't had time to really think for awhile. Maybe it's good. Self-thought is usually predatory, critical. It's good there isn't time lately to debase yourself.

And then there's the distraction of new TV shows. Thank god for those TV shows. How nice, sometimes, to live vicariously through other people. Through the movies, the shows, the comic books. So nice to run away from the reality of my four walls, this armchair existence.

There are many exciting projects, many meaningful projects, many opportunities at work. Many good things, really. I hate that I still can't divorce myself from ideal notions. Cannot, enjoy the good challenges to come. There are many things that come easily to you. Some not so easily, but still within grasp, if I try hard enough. And yes I know those things I will get some day. Because your whole life history has told you that things of effort, are not outside your abilities. Because God has always blessed you as well, with people who position you for these things. And I know I will get there.

It is the randomness, that luck or fate factors or whatever, helpless crap that always dictates part of me... it is these things I detest. Wish I could shake off those chains..