Monday, July 26, 2010

The sister has returned from England, bearing gifts aplenty. At the airport, I made her a sign that stated aptly, "Mule". And you know a member of the family has returned from a very long hiatus when the living room is left in an apocalyptic state overnight due to too much unpacking to do. However, there is the problem of the ulcers in my throat and hence my inability to enjoy the spoils of her travels.

I would die to lovingly lather a crisp piece of toast with that special brandy butter fromScotland, or dip the italian biscottis in the special wine, or try my hand at cooking the myriad of dried pastas available, using fresh (and free) herbs from France.

Somehow it always seems that the return from overseas is accompanied by illness. I returned from Nepal with food poisoning, I returned from America with some-sorta flu. And now my sister has returned but I'm the sick one again. Urgh.

But other than that, life is a pleasant state of limbo. Not doing much except gaming religiously, reading my books, comics, hanging out with the churchies. Grocery shopping (I really love this activity actually). Some semblance of 'un-feeling' is creeping back to me, which is a much welcomed thing. It's good to have nothing to worry about. Although I know once this year is up, it's the beginning of a long and scary career grind. Right now, I'm just ignoring the inevitable.

The last six months! My last six months... to be an irresponsible student. To do whatever, anything, free free cartwheel away. Carelessness. Let me steep a little more in this jacuzzi, I could almost fall asleep.




Five years on, and I see that we're still in the same state. Maybe there were spurts of outbursts here and there, valiant attempts to move to square 2. But we're still here all the same, holding hands in our heads, singing kumbaya in an imaginary campfire of mutual comfort. Although we'd all rather up and leave the first moment we can, if we can. If. Yeah you said right today, "I don't understand how it's possible." I don't either, I never got it. Someone forget to slip me the memo. Five years on and I still don't get it. And I know the people around the campfire, those with me, we all really don't get it. I tell you, it's random. Pure randomness. We just got dealt the bad hand or lousy roll of the dice. Sure you can spike it, taint it, but it still falls in a manner you don't control, can't predict, can't manipulate. Like they said, the house always win. So stop trying to crack the house and figure it out. You can't.

There is some kind of peer pressure, subtly felt and unspoken, unthought of. It's the kind of thing that only surfaces after prolonged exposure and you realised you're under its effects. This pressure, I don't like it, partly because your own beliefs and mindsets reinforce it. We're all reinforcing it. The brainwashing images are all around, you can't help get sucked into it. You start counting, measuring, not others, yourself. Then time always seems like a bomb ready to explode. If you're not fast enough, not ahead enough. I'm keeping score with myself. This quiet throbbing peer pressure, coupled with this simmering 'self-pressure', add on the warning signs and tempting treats laced all the way down the path. And you've got yourself an ego who feels she can't ever measure up. To whose standards? Mine, yours? Theirs? Mostly mine, maybe. The standard of normalcy.



Maybe this is my normal. It's supposed to be like this.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Wikipedia and Bejeweled are my two big attention-grabbers on the internet right now. Wiki for losing yourself in aimless trivia, the more sensationalist, the more I get glued to the screen heh. Been reading about war stuff for abit now, some of it is real scary but somehow, I always find myself going back to read them.

Bejeweled on the other hand, is giving me a neck-ache and eyeball-ache too.

My stash of Preacher is running out. I have no computer games left to play. The TV programme these days are trash. *wrings hair in despair* I'm either running out of people to ask out, or I need to make more friends.

Maybe this is a sign that I should up and start house-hunting. Drive around estates in Singapore, scout out locations, check out neighbourhoods. Damn, I need a 'pardner' for this, or at least a navigator. Because today I beat a red light as I was too engrossed trying to look out for an MRT. This is bad.

Okay, first things first, let's go to sleep. It's way past my bed-time.

Sunday, July 04, 2010

There is nothing I am compelled to do. Time is my own to waste, to spoil. Aimlessness is such a pleasure.

Anything. Whatever. Up to whims and fancies. Moods, emotions, impulse, urge. Anything.

It's strange and a little disconcerting, that I should feel freer when you see that the battle is lost. Like effort is no longer required, there is no need to put flesh and blood out there as your shield and dignity as your sword. Upon an empty field, surveying it atop my ride, all is as it should be and always was once more. It feels so familiar. That otherwise would be alien and terrifying and impossible, No! Unthinkable.

Stripped away. There's nothing but bare hands, open, a little caution beading at the lines. Callused, used, wrinkled with the jadedness of experience. Close tight now into balled fists. Knuckles hard and ready. Let's go, life is waiting. The bus is leaving soon, don't bother with the trains, they won't stop for you. No time to waste, to doubt or question. Get the grit out from under your nails, don't forget that there's still you.

I will be 23 soon. How I fight that number and all that it represents of my life so far. That I am 23 and yet have so little to paste upon my board of life. Of experiences ungained, not yet earned, lost, or missed. To know that if tomorrow were the last day, IF it was, I would go with regrets. Knowing that my time here is not yet done because of so so many things.

How strange, when the more you want something the more it eludes you. When all this while, the harder I fought for something, the more certain it becomes mine. Effort equals result. As if to prove its point, the same becomes of my work at my internship. Work hard, prove yourself, and you know people acknowledge it. That they can see the potential in you, and know that you are worth it. That I am worthy enough. Of value. Effort equals result. Always.



Almost, always.



Blank mind. White, unblemished paper. Smooth, not ruffled. Clean. Let's begin again. Back to the drawing board, my many missile strategies and war plans are a failing. Sit and stare at the zig-zagging lines, the arrows drawing to conclusions, the logical connections that are supposed to work in theory (only). Sit and stare and realised your mind's a blank. Crumple up your best-laid plans, ball them and toss them into the basket. Start tossing the paper balls into the basket. Suddenly it becomes a compelling, therapeutic act. All concentration upon the dumping of your work. How strangely, relieving it feels. To throw it all away. To dust, to ashes. My best laid plans. And then that's nothing more left to throw on my desk. It's empty. Just like the mind.

Let's try to get ourselves lost in debauchery the next few days. When life is channeling towards another black hole, at least go out in fireworks.



"I fought the war, I fought the war
But the war won't stop for the love of God"



---- "Monster Hospital", Metric.

Friday, July 02, 2010

Internship is over!

Yes!

Free time, so much free time I cannot believe it. It is strange to wake up when the sun is all bright and hot on my face. Strange to be able to waste time, sitting around doing nothing in particular, to spend all my time playing computer games and not feel guilty.

I've got so many things I want to do. Try out a new recipe once in a while (I scrape the cooking school option because it's kinda late and it is expensive). I plan to go swimming and more running to lose the flab. Have over-eaten during this internship cos nice colleagues keep buying me lunches at very nice restaurants. Plus I sit behind the unofficial snack bar at my office and the Big Boss is a foodie so he always buys like famous hawker food for us.

I can be a kid again. No more adult world. No more watching the things I say, framing thoughts and arguements and requests. No more 1 million multi-tasking, juggling, no more need to have foresight, to think ahead and anticipate what's needed. No more responsibility. It's nice, to be able to do nothing.

Yet all is hurtling towards the inevitable, my holiday will end soon, I have to start planning for my career, start thinking, asking myself hard questions.

But for now, to rot is a joy.

Oh the many things I have planned! The list of possibilities are endless, the days feel eternal, this holiday will never end! For now, that's how it feels. But my good friend is overseas, and people are busy, working. There are limited people I could ask out. I've got my weekends filled to the brim. But my weekdays are pretty empty for now. All of a sudden I wished there was softball training, at least that would be something to look forward to. My books, games and graphic novels will not last me past next week. I need ... more things to fill the time. Hmm, not that I'm complaining of cos. Free time is always good, I just need to fill it with hedonistic and enjoyable things. Cos in about 6 months, I won't have such luxury when I start work for real.

But that's okay, let happy troubles visit me later. Right now I just want to bask in laziness!