Friday, May 21, 2010

Can't wait for weekend!

First virginal prawning experience. Chance to sleep for a good long time. Hibernate under the covers until the sun hits 8ish -am and I've got to lose some flab by running alongside my forest, my secret garden. Shocking news related to sports: The Mother and I have joined this year's standard chartered marathon. Primarily because we wanted that coveted $500 goodie bag that the sponsors were going to give out to the first 80 participants. But this being Singapore, people already queued overnight. We didn't have that foresight. (Although my mother now has the hindsight to send either a. one of the junior minions under her or b. the 'mysterious male friend' to camp overnight for next year's marathon registration).

We did however, made it to the first 880 participants to obtain a goodie bag that is worth less than the price of our registration. Nice going mother! It was worth the registration price, plus my transport from the office, plus some blistered feet in heels. That and also a one hour wait under the relentless raffles place noon sun. Don't you think that the CBD area is somehow really really hot, more so than other parts of Singapore? I figure it's because of all that fancy glass buildings around. And almost zero trees. Either way, I sure had an introduction to the marathon that day, sweating in the sun, calves tight and ablaze from kiasu brisk-walking. Just like when I was in the airplane going towards Hawaii, and the air stewardess accidentally spilled water on my friend and promptly smiled, "Welcome to Hawaii! Here's a taste of what's awaiting you!"

My brain's jumping all over the place. And my writing is going straight to the bin. I guess this must be a sign that my life is generally on an upswing now. I should give thanks that the writing is like shit, I suppose. Hallelujah?

Anyways, back to confusion:

Bought a couple of wines from the wine fair today. Plus caviar and cheese, all on sale of cos. I am currently considering who are the good and worthy people in my life to give/share this bountiful harvest with.




I have a present, which I hesitate to give. Because we know I know you know, it would not be appreciated. Much. So much for being too excited and spontaneous and wildly, optimistic. The price also kinda hurts too. Cos I'm someone who links relationships between people and objects, and the link rarely changes. Can't seem to change the connection. So I only really have one use for that item. Besides, I only believe in giving what would speak to people. And so these items are never generic things that you could apply across the board. It has also dawned upon me that I never even made it to present-giving. With anyone. Wow, that is how little progress I actually make.




Went for the lesbian party last night. Ho-hum, I felt pensive in the dark. Penny for your thoughts? Not for a million bucks. There are too many overlapping plots, thank goodness for the safety of boys.

Last night was also Astro night. We got like free tarot readings. Although as usual, character guessing was spot-on. BLOODY spot on tonight I must say. Cos it was exactly how I operate. But those future predictions always leave me feeling iffy. Take with bottle of salt please. Because the cards say some person who is always around me in my life apparently likes me, has always liked me, but I've never noticed cos she/he (??? there's a he??) hides it so well.

Yeaaaahhhhh riiiight. Then the P AP isn't the government and my love actually gets requited.

I've been running through the people in my head and I can safely say there isn't any. (unless one of my gay boys suddenly had a straight epiphany).

I change my mind too often. It hops all over the place. Music effects its mood on me sometimes. I change cos of the tune. Right now, there is laid-back, weary-eyed, pensive Ani Difranco on. I feel old. I will be 23 soon. In 7 years I'm going to be arrggghhhhH!!! And yesterday one of the VPs said something really scary. She said, haha you've been in the company so long you might as well convert full time. Then first thing the big boss will do is to kick you to the china division!

CHINA.

That is damn bloody scary. I don't want China! But yes yes, great opportunities abound, great learning experience, market value increase exponential. But my gosh, my life, MY SOCIAL LIFE, will be in chinese...... Is that not a fate worse than death? haha, okay I exaggerate. But still! I hope she was kidding, I seriously hope so.

But on the bright side, I have a 40% discount voucher. Yay. When you work in the shopping mall industry, industry perks sometimes befall you. Monday night will see me burn more credit (but at 40% lesser!) and get me some new threads, dresses even, maybe. Maybe, maybe, always maybe. But for some reason I'm looking a lot at dresses today. I want more. It goes with my fringe. Haha. Plus it makes for easy access ... Anyways! I need to plan my freedom soon. By end June I will have 1 and a half months to fill with lots of love and excitment and indulgence and growth and wallet-burning. I must plan how I am going to enjoy myself. The people to seek out, (only worthy prosaic company of cos), the events to check out, the places to explore and unearth, the cooking to learn, THE FAT TO LOSE.

More time for the youth group too. Which is going great at the moment. Yes this life has a purpose, and maybe, for awhile, I've found my purpose at this point in my life. To be able to give people, the things I never had. We're headed for uncharted territory, but I hope the energy never leaves. Cos it gets better each time. But soon I'll need succession plans.

One step at a time babe, one step at a time.



Right now, my heart needs a rest. No more feeling, would be good. I will try my best.




"Love is like cancer. If you detect it in its early stages, it's easier to eradicate, to purge. But if you let it fester and grow, then I'm sorry it'll be terminal. By the time you want it out of your system, it'll be too late. And chemotherapy is not something you'll ever want to experience. Trust me"

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

"I don't ever. Ever. Want to fall in love with someone I can't get again.

It's nothing but needless pain."


I wrote this in the gnome's lair, some 2 years ago. Almost 2 years exactly, seeing the date.




It's time for a change.

Ambivalent weekend.

Went for Pink Dot. Ho hum. It was great hanging out with the youths, stealing those large helium balloons, taking loony photos. The waiting wasn't so nice. Plus I wasn't really 'in the present', when there's a C-sized absence. Tough shit.

Went for dinner later at tcc, gave up the bbq with the youths (what am I thinking?). Dinner was okay. Company was odd, a mix of reactions. I worried for my big balloon near the hot lights. Got a bag of contradictory signs.

Sunday was even more of a tragicomedy. The seminar in church was great, I learnt alot of wise things from funny people. Learnt some practical truths, and saw love distilled down into an industrial process. Efficient, not romantic delusions, is what will get you somewhere. Works for some people, doesn't work for others. As much as we try to put together formulas and plans, it all goes to bust in the face of fate. Shit happens, I can attest to that. Shit happens frequently. Went out after church, missed my fire show because of f-ing rain. But still I had a great time chatting. Can't say the same for the content though, some things you'd rather not hear or know of. But on hindsight, it was better to be aware than blind. So this is how things are. The cards are there for you to see, fog of war has been cleared. You've got your questions answered, though they weren't the answers you wanted to hear.

How could you ever compete with that.

Maybe you could. But we all know from past experience, what a grinder that could be. I'm not sure I want to go into the grinder again. Something tells me that I am more than a substitute, a second-best. A since-you're-here-why-not, or an okay-you'll-do. But then again, I've never proven myself more than that. Maybe because it never seemed worth while, or if I tried, I never got those chances to prove myself.

Why does this seem harder than it's supposed to be.

Still, head's up girl. Life throws you curveballs, but it's time to face them with a smile. Because frowning and angst won't help, have never really (except create great prose from your fingertips, but I rather live happy than die a sylvia plath). Have faith.

It's like what mommy always say when I'm younger. Just study hard, do your best, and whatever those exam results are, don't worry about them. Whatever it's meant to be, will be.

I don't know if this will mean anything, or lead to anything. But I will still try , because above all else, I've got to give myself a chance. Although I won't deny that I do feel immense disappointment from seeing this warning sign. Cos it's been awhile since I felt a stir. Something possibly genuine. And not another of those encounters in my delirium and bout of defiance, protest, and spite (as you so correctly identify). I could try of cos, but no matter what, no matter damn what, I won't allow myself, I won't concede... to be only second-best. To be a substitute. Because you were made for better things than this. Because you deserve better than that.

So if things return to square one, well then, repeated history 1, elsa 0.

My (rerun) exit music please!

Thursday, May 06, 2010

Hold steady. Don't DON'T succumb to temptation. Although visions of grandeur and romance and ingenuity and serendipity fill your movie screens. Don't! Don't do it. Hold steady, darling. I'm ready to shoot off the blocks, make those false starts before the gun erupts. But we've watched so many re-runs of this soap opera, let's not go into rewind and replay old scenes. Let's do it a different way. Because something tells me, that I must stop running, stop chasing time. I've to let time come to me when its due. Something also tells me, that this time it cannot be rushed.

It's like cooking orh nee. If you turn the heat up too high, trying to cook the gingko nuts faster, you burn the yam. And what you get is lumpy, acrid tasting chunks. But if you went slow, if you had put on the slow burner, stir that shit slowly, slowly, patiently. You'd get yourself a smooth, sweet, sublime cream of yam. Wait.

I've to learn patience, and I've to learn faith. That waiting is good, that the pulling of time like toffee will be like marinating. It'll taste all the better. No more premature bursting of balloons.

But to wait, is also to risk. And in taking the risks, I've got to have faith that I already have what it takes to get there. And faith too, that the elements are all there in place for me to make things happen. Even if there are other runners in this race. Even though removing your cupped hands from around a flame could let it extinguish in the wind. But to squeeze too tight, huddle too close, would be to deprive it of oxygen-giving air. Balance. I must learn balance. And patience. And faith.

Because maybe, just maybe, this could be real.





we live on a mountain
right at the top
there's a beautiful view
from the top of the mountain
every morning i walk towards the edge
and throw little things off
like:
car-parts, bottles and cutlery
or whatever i find lying around

it's become a habit
a way
to start the day

i go through this
before you wake up
so i can feel happier
to be safe up here with you

it's real early morning
no-one is awake
i'm back at my cliff
still throwing things off
i listen to the sounds they make
on their way down
i follow with my eyes 'til they crash
imagine what my body would sound like
slamming against those rocks

and when it lands
will my eyes
be closed or open?

i'll go through all this
before you wake up
so i can feel happier
to be safe up here with you



--------"Hyperballad", Bjork

Monday, May 03, 2010

Let's go in with eyes wide shut. And the head a clean slate. Sweep the dust off your shoulders girl, cos you've got a future to make happen.

All of a sudden, I can't wait for my internship to end. Four months without leave is beginning to be very tiring. Sure, work is never boring, never the same each day. But the me inside is dying to have a life on the weekdays, when there's daylight. No more owl-activities only, I need more than that.

I want to go out and shop, I want to walk the streets, wake up when the sun is already high in the sky and on my face. I'm done with 10 minute sprints from the bed to the bus. Ready to trade my heels for my slippers. Enough of my boardroom meetings, give me a movie, popcorn and maybe good company. Yeah I can't wait for it to be over. I miss playing. I miss irresponsibility. Haha.

You know what I feel like right now? I just want to window shop through streets on a sleepy afternoon, listen to music-like-sex, and be content in mutual silence. With you, maybe. Maybe maybe, always, maybe.

Life is a game of poker sometimes, you just have to wait and see what sort of hand fate deals you, and if it deals you a lousy hand, let's see how good you could play it. I don't have a poker face, so I usually lose big time. But now, maybe capital isn't so important. Cos I've got my big pot of gold waiting somewhere.

So let's go in eyes wide shut, and enjoy it while it lasts. I'll learn patience while I wait for my freedom in 1 and a half months' time. Then when I'm free, I'll have time to make magic.

Because you know you were made for better things. Than this.

Saturday, May 01, 2010

I used to wait for things. Like there are certain things I want to do, want to watch, catch, admire, bask in, explore. Live. Experience. I used to wait. To do these things.

There are some things I've brought home from the US, which I haven't open and explored. I keep these things aside for the one day I'll have good and better reason to use them. But it's been almost a year. And what a record time keeps. One year on, and this object has not been touched. Left to dust. Sometimes I even forgot that I've bought it, bought it for a reason. Sometimes I forgot I'm still waiting. But a year has gone, and I'm nowhere near using it.

I could go right ahead, dive in. Put the 'me-first' attitude and ripped the packaging out. Use that which I've been waiting for. Because after so long, it appears there is no point to waiting anymore. But I don't know.

I've done this many times. Wait, and finally, when I can't wait anymore. . .go right into it. Sure, I get to see some things faster this way. Instead of hanging around for goodness know's when. But for someone who doesn't like to do the same things too often, and who's always seeking the new, very soon I might just run out of newness. That, in Singapore, is a strong possibility. Very soon, I'll know most places like the back of my hand, explore all the nooks and crannies and special places. Very soon, I would have ploughed through all the magical things I want to do. Very soon, there'll be little surprises left in store. Very soon, the black fog of war would be cleared and I'll be able to see the whole map, the whole landscape. Then there's no more.

Everything hereon from now, would be a repeat. A rewind of experience. Flashbacks that after awhile, I start getting sick of. Uniqueness that after awhile, begins to dull on me. And there's nothing more to look forward to.

And so I hesitate. I hesitate to open my wants, my curiousities. I hesitate to discover ahead of time. Even though sometimes, it seems that time is telling you not to wait for it. Because there is no point in waiting.

There are many things I want to see. But I hold back. I hope I'm waiting for good reason, I hope it's worth it. But there are many things I want to see and do, and it's beginning to dawn upon me, that maybe I should forge ahead and break new frontiers.

I'm no stranger to that actually. Doing the new, without 'back-up', without second opinion. Just do, by myself, always, usually, most certainly, by myself I discover these things. Sometimes people are surprised that I don't wait. That I just go. But tell me then, if I don't go it alone, then when?

Cos sometimes, it feels like never. Unless I go it alone. Then yes, I still can share, feel, that bit of sparkle and magic. Even if it's fleeting, even if it reminds me of how nice it'll be, if I had waited. And if waiting was worthwhile eventually.

It would be nice, to predict a few steps ahead of yourself. It would be nice, to know what lies across the fog. But when you can't do that, sometimes you have to toss a coin, make a choice, and between hovering, suspended in aimlessness, maybe just tearing through the bush would be better.

But there are days though, that I still succumb to the waiting. Maybe, there will be a day when it would be appropriate to open the mysteries, plumb the depths and seek that which you wondered about. Maybe there will be an opportune time, in some intangible, far-off future. Maybes. I still hold out for these maybes.

But as the days turn into months and into years, these maybes are beginning to dim. Because you can't discount history and because you can't just run on empty. Sometimes, some days, I'm not sure about these maybes anymore.