Sunday, February 28, 2010

Have you ever felt like:

There are some things that need to be said, that are wrecked with emotion, with nights and thoughts, and endless walking through the desert. Some things that are pregnant with intention, and perhaps redemption. Some thoughts that are so heavy so ancient and cast into stone, that when you try to mouth them, to form the words, to even think, process a means to begin. The burden of it just stops you, freezes you, the words can't find it within themselves to come out. Because at the crux of it all, is the fact that saying means nothing, doesn't lead to fruition, doesn't change the past or affect the present. That a statement of fact, is nothing else but what it plainly is. And the effort spent upon summoning courage, the steam to move forth into the volley of words, the train wreck that wishes to spill. Just doesn't seem worth it at all. That maybe abandoning self is better after all. To surrender to the fatigue of it all. And just give in to being. In this moment, this is what Life is. Some things, past their prime, their peak, is not meant to be revisited. They may not come out right, they may not come out expressing all that was truthful, all that needs to be expressed.

Maybe, all I can give is a thoughtful look sideways, and a smile that speaks of unspoken things. For once, you are beaten, and the arrogance in you, who once believed that you would never ever fail at anything you set out to do. You, the sun, who believed were the center of the universe, has decided to pass yourself by. You, who realised where the real failure lies. And how much rage and indignation you rail against fate and time, will not change the fact that redemption wasn't ever an end to begin with.

That life is not one clean cut. It is crudely inefficient. That walking through it leaves pieces of you torn out in the wake. That sweeping everything clear and starting on clean slates is rarity that you won't get to see. Not this. J once told me, never to leave myself behind, to not let life experience eat away at the core of you. And I have tried, and note I do not use the word try lightly. For arrogant as this may sound, I am one who seeks with a vengence and a zeal and focus that you couldn't break. There is no need to repeat the list of triumphs that prove so. For I know them by heart and they represent the foundation of I. Gifted or through effort or otherwise, they speak to me that impossible is truly nothing. And doubt was never in my vocabulary.

Yet to realise that some things could defeat you. Despite the grandest of efforts, the throwing of powers and might and absolute desire at it, could still defeat you. To know that there is no end game. And to realise that life isn't always a zero-sum game, that sometimes equations are left unfinished. And there are parts of you left unfinished. Knowing that the desire to finish is in itself a moot point. Because life is not one clean cut. Walking away is not so simple, I think it is more akin to tearing oneself away. And in the tear, you leave strips of pain behind. Your idealism, faith, and belief that the World is a good and happy place.



I can't expel the truth
It's much more than I thought I could do

-----"Sleep Spent" By Death Cab for Cutie

Saturday, February 27, 2010

My beautiful background picture is gone. I'm not tech-savvy enough to fix it. But it's okay, I have the real picture in the form of a poster. Unfortunately, it doesn't stick very well onto my wallpaper (no, not the online computer kind, but actual wallpaper). It keeps falling off. So it's neatly folded and kept in a corner.

Just like my artwork. I shouldn't have tried to squeeze every single piece into the tight tube. Now I can't even pull them out cos they are stuck solid. It only lives on in my facebook album. But there are times I wish I could pull out and look through the real thing, feel the carbon smudge my fingers, and recall what it took to draw them. What inspired the images chosen.

I don't think so much these days. I believe it's mostly due to work. Work takes up so much of your time, so much of your thoughts, so much processing to do. Sometimes when I come back, I'm still processing what I've done, what I need to do the next day. Trying to plan a step ahead of my next task, but a new day brings more tasks, and I never get to sit down properly to finish my notes. It's a good thing that I'm never bored though, that I don't count the days towards the end (well I do count about some things during work, still). It's good that there is a huge variety of things to do. Sometimes I even find lunch a little of a roadblock. There really is no purpose trying to extend your lunch or find something useful to do during lunch, when there are important things to be done. Such a far cry from my previous desk jobs, when lunch and getting off work are the two things I look forward to everyday. Some days, I feel like I can't get to work fast enough and finish my tasks within my alloted working hours (because it doesn't make much sense to do overtime, all the time, when one doesn't get compensated so)

The road ahead is completely up to me I suppose. Everyone else is finding their own paths now. I'll have to find mine.

I guess it's been awhile since Melancholy found a time to sit beside me once more. But there are times I catch glimpses of it, like now. Once in awhile, hopelessness does overwhelm. I find I'm too numb to react.

There have been good days, and there are also bad days. I enjoy my good days, gambling with different groups of people, hanging out with the softballers, with the church boys, with the ladies. Even with the relatives I dare say. Sometimes, hanging out and chatting with the colleagues are good too. I wish I knew how to fill pits.

I've gone past that stage. Am no longer in the mood to finish my once-addictive computer games. The ones which truly take me out of this body, out of this world, and for awhile I can feel weightless. But the crash to reality is always a shock I haven't gotten used to. It's been awhile since I've escaped to somewhere.

These days, I detest going home straight after work. Sometimes I feel like staying on awhile more. Or staying to hang out with people. Life at home is quiet, dull, boring. I don't want to face home. I want to stay out in the city, stare out over the cityscape and let the lights distract me for awhile.



This is my last year in school. My last year. I need to... cherish it.




"I think your bruise was understated
Because you can't feel this anymore
It's getting bluer and you can't keep faking
That you can't feel this anymore"

----- "Your Bruise" by Death Cab for Cutie