Friday, November 20, 2009

A part of today was not pleasant. At all.

Last night was important. I had to listen to some things. And it's always good to listen to those before you, who have lived through and through, who have got the years to teach them. It was good to listen last night. Yes, I know I can be very critical. And the person I'm most critical of, is myself. But there are things we can talk and talk and never come to a conclusion. There were 2 camps, and I see both have their merits. But still, it was good to listen.

I would love life to be fair. Who wouldn't? After all... But I guess eventually we must accept the fact that good people die young, that innocent children get terminal illnesses, that the poor did nothing to choose their situation and lastly the underserved get things you don't. That good does not always beget good. That no matter how much you wish for an egalitarian world, that is not something that will happen. Only God, can see your goodness and match it. But regardless, don't let the cruelties of the world cut you down. Or the words of others chip away at the you inside.

Because like what S said, you could only give. And if the world gives back, that is a bonus. The only thing you can count on is what you do. For you are that rock in the ocean. Everything else is transistory, everything else has another mind, another direction, everything else is wishy-washy. You can only count on you, and Him.

There really is nothing simpler.

There are days, times, when I wished the 'wise, sensible' me (like you said) could be traded, given up for something else. What use, life, if you know so much about it but feel so little. I wish I knew what the future portents. But wishes are for nothing. You've just got to ride this wave out, and pray that there are people around you to hold onto, while you're there.

I'm glad for the new people in my life. Glad for the things they have taught me. Tired of the aimlessness of youth, tired of our false beliefs and our illusions. I want to hear the real thing now. And I'm glad I've had a glimpse of what its like to redeem yourself.

But healing doesn't happen in an instant. It's still a start, anyway. Even though, I'm still surprised, angry at the way I react, angry about how things can make me feel. I even had a little trouble concentrating today. Ah wells, I never saw that coming. But take heart, for it will be finally. It will be finally.



And the hardest part
Was letting go not taking part

-------- Coldplay, "The Hardest Part"

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

There are days when you feel like life is going to be JUST great. And it does feel great.

Then there are also days when you feel like there is a growing mound of evidence that seems to point otherwise. Like there's something seriously, mysteriously wrong, and you're just not sure where you went wrong. Or if there's something wrong with you and what you do. I don't understand. Is it just plain bad luck? Is it my way of doing things, is it just me? Why.

I don't know. But its really demoralising, makes you question your self-worth.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

I don't have that much to update actually. I just felt like writing.

Actually, I do have some stuff to update, now that I think about it.

It has been a while, my mind has felt different... for a while. I'm not sure if its the new cell group, I think its a combination of many things. Most importantly, time. Wait, maybe not time. Time has proven that it can be a drag. Literally. No, it is events that have moved me into a different place, a more.. pleasant place.

Last night it dawned upon me that I am much older than I am. I realised that I actually feel old, out of touch, with the new team mates I have. I can feel our age gap. Even though it is a mere 3 years. I can actually feel it. We are so very different, different people. And I find myself gravitating to those who I see a semblance of me inside.

Then later I went to j o's housewarming. And find myself surrounded by people who are mostly over 30, and I find myself having real conversations with them. Proper ones. The kind of deeper conversations that makes life so meaningful. So.. real. Is it not surprising then, that whenever there are gatherings such as these, I tend to gravitate to those with the most experience, cos I find that they have something to teach me.

But there are also times that I want to be silly, just be stupid and childish. Just maybe not all the time. And of cos, it has to be with the right people. I miss spontaneouity. I miss leaving the house at a moment's notice, in the aftermath of a phone call. Just grab the necessary and step out into the world. I've been trying to be spontaneous with people. But everyone has schedules, everyone has got exams. Everything must be planned in advance, its utterly boring and totally not very exciting.

When I go to watch movies on my own, people cannot believe it. When I go to bars on my own just for the music, people can't believe it either. Are we that... socially insecure, that we must always 'hang out' with people in public in order to feel validated/popular. We can't be caught hanging out alone. That's too loser? Can we just hang out by ourselves and be okay? Sure it might be less fun, but its rather than no fun at all staying at home cos you can't find people to hang out with.

Or maybe, I'm just not that popular enough to find those people to hang out with. Heh.

Once a friend remarked that I was, "weird". I made some nonsensical, ill-thought-of, lame comeback. On hindsight, I should've said I'm not weird, just different.

I had a very good time last night. And I've been meeting a lot of new people lately. People who tell me different things, come from different areas of life, of all ages. It's good, the more variation the better. I like it to be colourful. She said, that I've gone through more than most people my age. She said that I am all the better for it. Sometimes, I wish I was less.. experienced, more ... normal. I wished I had the normal paths, go through the normal stages. Instead of this, this teacher called Absence.

But regardless, tomorrow is a good day. Yes I have an exam, but fuck it. 2nd last term in school, I realised that my grades count for nothing. Just as knowledge COUNTS FOR NOTHING, if you cannot use it. Learning about life, is nothing compared to actually living it. I have an exam tomorrow, and after 3 plus years, I know it means nothing. Getting that gpa of mine, working so damn hard for so damn long. And going through the formal channels, trying to find internships the 'right' way... has given me nothing. Nothing. Just as how doing the 'right' thing has fucked up my life more than once.

I'm done with 'doing the right thing'. Now on, I'll do what my heart tells me. Fuck rules.

And I've gotten my internship. Guess how. The 'unethical way'. Pulled the parents' strings, and all it took was a phone call and all that was needed to connect me to a big shot, who could get me somewhere. And now I have this internship, this really awesome opportunity, in an environment, a job scope and an industry that I couldn't have asked for more. It's the best job scope I've seen so far for me. And I am really excited. I did it the way how things in the real world works. By doing whatever it takes to get you where you want to, regardless of rules and conventions.

Fuck rules.

Next year seems promising. I've decided as well, to finally seriously explore this food thing. Maybe in the summer I'll go to cooking school. And then one last term in school, a very relaxed term it'll be. And then I'm done with school. And what next? I don't know.

This year was... is... gut-wrenching. Still feels abit so. But I'm bereft of expectations now. Whatever happens, will happen. Whatever comes, I'll take it and work from there. I'll close my eyes and world, you'll surprise me. It's an odd position to be. Like neither here nor there. Neither happy or sad. Just... being. Of cos, there's a black past that doesn't want to be revisited. That has been blocked out of mind. I can't describe it. I loathe to think of it. It's something that hurts so... I don't have words. I have nothing to say, really. I am tired, and maybe this is finally. Maybe this is finally.

It's good to breathe easier now. I'll still thrive, and I'll still keep on searching for the things that make me happy. Say yes to everything that people ask, offer, give. Nothing, everything could be possible. And remember, fuck those rules. They have hurt you. All the people who really made it, broke out of their rules. Just go do whatever you want then.

Whatever I want.