Saturday, September 26, 2009

Separate situations connect and result in amusing conclusions for me.

Today J told me that he got his personality type figured out in some psycho-analysis test. The rigorous kind. Not those online quiz types. And one of the analysis of his personality type was that he would suck at flirting.

On another note, my failures amuse me. The best image really is the one K videoed of me at the bowling center. After throwing the umpteenth gutter ball, I throw my hands up in despair and cover my head in my hands. Great people fuck up too ya? Well, according to my psycho-analysis scores (in of course, a rigorous test), I'm supposed to be great. With people.

Strange.

-----

There must be something to do on a saturday night after I've done my studying and my testing and completing of my computer gaming! What now what now what now.

*maybe I should read the lesbian comic books, or the novels, or bother someone online, or.. play some online game or mull over the past (as it has a tendency to strangle me out of the blue when I'm least suspecting), or ... play music and click the mouse aimlessly.

WHAT NOW

while you are away
my heart comes undone
slowly unravels
in a ball of yarn
the devil collects it
with a grin
our love
in a ball of yarn

he'll never return it

so when you come back
we'll have to make new love


--- Bjork, "Unravel"

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Signs that you are a stereotype:

1. The astrological lesbian stereotype. Why why whyyyyy do I find myself being attracted to girls who turn out to be LIBRAS?? (the world has many cute girls, why do I keep finding something 'extra' in those born in october). This is nasty business. I am a Leo, according to astro-yoohoos, libras are supposed to be the most compatible star-sign for me. (which actually, come to think of it, the libra personality seems to very attractive) Imagine my horror when I keep discovering that people's birthdays are in OCTOBER! Simi lan.

Hmm. Suspicious life trend here.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

I know what I must do. And this is going to take a lot of will power. And a lot of trust that what I'm doing will ultimately be the better choice. One cannot always have her cake and eat it too. Just as WM has said which has always remained in my head, you have to pay your dues.

Yes, I've got dues to pay. Even though some prices doesn't come from mistakes you consciously make. Life is ugly. And sometimes I wonder why my dad is so bitter about the human condition and people in general. But the more bullshit you experience and the more bullshit you see in human relationships, you realise some things have to give. Or you will be 'gived'.

And either way, you have cast in stone that final carthasis already. It has been done. So don't smile, the alternative is far worse.



Because you were made. Made for better things than this.

Saturday, September 05, 2009

I had a good long talk last week with J. It's been a year since we've caught up (cos we went on seperate exchanges) and it was good to talk once more. Some questions got answered, some more were posed. I love to talk to people who have been there already, instead of always speculating with people like me.

After this and the fortune teller's sayings that I heard on the same day, I feel like I am stuck in a web of inertia. So I know these things, so some things have been brought to my attention, so this is life, going ahead, and the advice I got have all been practical, useful ones.

But truth be told, I would gladly give up many of my blessings. Give up my talents, give up writing, speech, gpa, even art. If I could trade it all for something easier. They say the end is worth everything. Worth all these sufferings. But I don't know. Something inside hurts alot.



I need unfound courage. And I need to be able to trust, again.



----


It pains me that with all God's given intellect, I cannot balance this human equation.

Friday, September 04, 2009

Some day, in a distant future. Be it years or decades later, it does not matter. I hope you would stumble upon, my words to you.

I shall write again.

Thursday, September 03, 2009

So interesting haha.


On a whim, I decided to consult the palm reader at the school bazaar today. He said a lot of things about my life and aspects of my personality which were like bullseye accurate. Geez! I was quite surprised actually. Here's a list of the things said:


About character/self

1. Very efficient, very chop-chop, I get things done. Bosses won't ever sack me because of inefficiency reasons. True I operate like this.
2. I am very frank. Too frank sometimes and I believe too much in fairness when the real world doesn't work that way. I can also be naive at times. Yeap I am honest to a fault and stupidly naive too.
3. I am multi-talented (duh!) haha okay this has got truths kay. Art, writing, public speech, academics. 'Nuff said.
4. I like to enjoy life a lot. In fact my 'palms' speak about the enjoyment of life, not for making money. Haha that is kind of my attitude
5. I'm highly sexed, and will enjoy sex alot. Hahaha totally agree. Totally. Sometimes I can't imagine how prudish others think/act in comparison. Actually, he repeated that many times throughout the palm reading! lols!
6. It is hard for me to love someone. Yes true, I don't fall in love easily.
7. I have hereditary family problems on the female side with regards to wombs/cysts/fertility stuff. Yes true, these problems run in the family. My mom and aunts all got it.
8. I like control, I like to tell people what to do. Haha yes yes yes. But at the same time, I am hopeless at deciding for myself. YES.

Some thing he got wrong was that I am family-oriented. So not me lols. Which is not good actually, it's good to be family-oriented. Another thing was that I'll get married (to a man), which of cos I promptly corrected him



About future

1. I will migrate one day.
2. Career-wise I thrive in people-environments, working with lots of people, working in large-scale projects. And I love variety in the job. I think he mentioned I might have 2 types of careers and that career path will be smooth sailing. I don't know what to make of this cos i don't know any career path for me!! But I agree with the people aspect.
3. If I'm not working in the arts industry e.g. fashion, media, art, artwork, I will most likely be enjoying life in those high-society parties. Now I can totally see myself in the latter haha.
4. Relationships will be few. That's sad actually, but I was kind of expecting that prediction already. Love is a fucker, seriously.
5. I will marry a non-singaporean hmmm.
6. There will be one woman who will hate me for the rest of my life. Wow. Romance-related apparently.
7. I will live a long life, so long as I take care of my hereditary health problems. Therefore go for PAP smears and all that jazz.
8. If I'm not careful and am too frank with others, I stand to lose my business/career success and/or lover. HMMM.


He said my womb is 'tilted'. I can verify that if I go for a PAP smear. Hmmm, very interesting. lols

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Sometimes it is not that amusing.

Okay I admit, at least it reminds me that I'm normal. But still, it's abit like rubbing salt into the wound. Or rather, waving a banana at a monkey which is stuck in a cage and out of reach. And hungry.

Hmmm. Not too sure.

But it is still a little amusing. I'm not sure. Yes you are really cute. Just like the other one who tried, and whom I was totally unaware of when he did. But I'm not sure I wanna lead you on, even though this is one of the life experiences I need to check off before I perish. I don't know. It is also rather ... mm.. feels like a stab that the same doesn't occur with the actual category that I'm interested in. I'm sure others would want to be in my place, I'm sure you've turned some heads being of the pretty boy variety.

But this is one very confused pie you are trying to dip your fingers in. And I haven't exactly retrieved that axe stuck in my back yet. To top it off, I can't believe the same never happens with the real desires. Whereas I seem to sometimes land myself those top prizes of lucky draws, those kind of prizes that you have no use for but others might.


Maybe I should've been straight. This gay thing doesn't seem to lead anywhere.