Wednesday, June 17, 2009

I've arrived in Chicago. It is freaking windy. The hostel is nice and clean.

In DC, I didn't give a shit what people thought of me. Sneezed when I wanted (cos I had my flu and I shall be sickly!), shook the bed when I felt like it. Sat outside the house without footwear cos I can. Talk shit with the blacks because hey, who gives a shit. Nobody I've met, mattered. Now? I do care a little.

Why?

Cos this hot girl in my hostel room just took off her shirt and I am TRYING my best not to leer/stare/grin in her direction. In fact, I'm hiding my prying eyes behind my laptop trying to be good and informing WY with a blow by blow account of the situation haha. Hey! Nobody warned me that there would actually be hot fellow female travellers! Shit. Lol. Even in my flu-deranged state, some reactions don't change. It's been awhile since I started this solo travel that I saw someone that genuinely turned my head.

Omg. Shit. Her body is awesome. *slaps self*

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I am delirious with sickness. Absolutely. Worse flu in the world. I fear it could be the pig variety. There is a constant flow from my nose. It's insane. And the phelgm is disgusting. It came much earlier than usual, and darker-coloured.

It is only when you're sick that the days are the longest, when every minute of living crawls by and is torture. Today I laid in my small hostel bed, stuck and cramped and feeling really crappy. Went out for a great, refreshing lunch and then back here again. I battle with my nose, every few seconds. I am seriously re-considering my no-medication stance on flus and colds. URGH!

Cannot wait for this to be over.

On the other hand, I am going Chicago tomorrow! Yay I'm going to be out of DC! I don't much like it anyway...

But one thing I realised is how xenophobic we asians can be. A few of my friends have expressed how they don't like black people and want to stay far away from them. Yes, the exchange students from Singapore. But you know what? Surprisingly, the most friendly people I've met are the blacks. Even more, the most friendly people are the blacks from the ghetto. They say hi to you, they say bless you when I sneeze (which I've been doing in copious amounts). The guys have absolutely no qualms about chatting you up (which actually is kind of scary sometimes, I am going to refrain from wearing any shorts or sleeveless clothes cos it's pretty scary at night). Black people are nice. We just got to stop assuming the worse of people the moment they appear in our view.

Another great thing about travel: I don't give a shit what people think of me. Cos everyone I meet now, I probably won't see ever again. So I eat nastily if I feel like. Walk trashily if I feel like. Be my sick self. Thank god for unpretentiousness!


MY BOSE!!! MY BOSEE!!! IT'S KEELING MEEE! *cough*

Monday, June 15, 2009

I am in DC. I don't like DC actually. It has a screwed up separate bus and train system, atrocious weather, and is insanely expensive. All there is in DC are museums. Plus, major plus, I am sick. Am down with flu. Whether it's the pig variety I don't know. But it sucks to be sick when you're living in a hostel with no privacy. URGH! I feel like a bug-spreader.

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Separately.

So now I know for sure I'm gay. Haha. But that for awhile was a good reprieve. I simultaneously want to go back to sg and don't want to go back. Don't want to for bad weather and old habits. Want to for the food and the familiarity. Travel is great but not when you're sick.

Ho-hum.

One thing for sure is that I'll miss out the gay stuff they have out here in the US. All those cards, books, stores, pride parades and festivals. Everything these Americans have that I don't. Everything that I take for granted now, which I can't find back home. Yesterday I walked into DC's iconic gay bookstore, and it is amazing, simply amazing, to walk into a bookstore whereby the subject is all about you. Where every book is actually of relevance and interest to you. Where there is so much fiction to choose from I am stumped because I don't know where to start, where to narrow down my choices. When previously, choice was painfully limited in singapore libraries. I'm trying to collect as much as I can, without weighing down my luggage which I have to lug around on my own. But I bought a great book yesterday and I wish, I WISH we had all these available in Singapore.

Some part of me doesn't want to go back. Cos it feels like time has stalled in this place. And to go back would be to restart the clock again. Somehow that's scary, to go back to where you began from. Knowing that it wasn't a good starting point. That it was aimless to begin with. That it was filled with uncertainties and questions. I've got to go back to that? I can choose, if I would, to will it away. I guess I. Can?


Hmmm. I need a breather.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

SIGH. Tomorrow is my last day in new york. I am missing New York already. Everywhere I go, it just gets better and better. Now I can see why the french exchange student who lives in the City of Romance, Paris, says that NYC is his favourite city. It is like magic. Absolutely pure magic! Beautiful place.

I thought LA had to die for food. And then I discovered this city. Omg. Seriously. I have had so many food epiphanies the past few days. Sometimes, multiple times in a day. Everywhere you walk, there is some famous eatery around the corner, and the food rarely disappoints. I've been eating such good stuff everyday. EVERYDAY. Omg. Yelp is king. It has only failed me once. But other than that, it was spot on. Here's a breakdown of foods I've tried.

The quintessential NYC food groups:

Bagel from Ess- A Bagel shop: Omg. I took one bite. And I paused. And I was humbled, brought to my knees, almost, ALMOST cried. This is a bagel that was impossible. I never knew bagels could taste this good. It was so good it was ridiculous. Like .... I was rendered speechless. The dense chewy, flavourful, aromatic bagel that was pinned with delicious, oily nuts, poppy seeds, pumperknickel and sesame. Paired together with a smooth, rich, creamy, thick raisin-walnut cheese. It was a marriage like no other. Words are failing me now. I am doing a poor job describing how good this bagel is. But, honestly, there is no way I can do it justice. You have to eat this bagel to believe. I've always thought bagel was an okay food. Nothing special. Just bread with cheese. Now I know better. This bagel, has got to rank as one of the top 3 foods I ever ate. Ever.

[to be cont'd]

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

I feel like I should start writing again. Like, properly. (How ironic is this last sentence)

Turmoil is always a constant, infallible muse.

On a side note, New York is beginning to grow on me. Every day that I spend here I see the beauty of this city even more, and now I know why people fall in love with this city and why this is a place to fall in love. It just... takes your breath away. Go beyond the tourist places and start exploring the spaces that the locals occupy. And if you see enough, you'd realise there is an endless, heck, limitless number of places to eat really good food, and a million romantic spots, a multitude of urban spots to people-watch. And the sunsets here? Pure magic. At the Hudson river, at the top of a building, in the negative spaces of buildings with the dying light shafting through... It just renders you speechless and humbles you at the same time.

Arguably things started out bad. Like f*ck really. A million things could screw up in your travels, like lost items, missed transits, extra expenditure, feeling of being lost, but I think the worse is when travel companionship screws up. Hell yea. That has got to take the ticket. Arguably, the numero uno worst thing that can happen for a traveller.

I'm glad I'm travelling by myself now. It feels like someone just ripped the plastic bag off my head and I'm breathing again. Time is yours to spend. The days drag themselves longer and you feel every moment consumed by just...you. Walk wherever I want to, talk if I feel like, purchase if I choose to indulge. Money's not a worry (I just realised I got over-paranoid, I actually have more than enough). Time is not a worry (I have all the time in the world, for the first time). People, are no longer a worry. I'm actually pretty happy about the current circumstance. Cos I never realise what utter selfishness feels like. Where every single second of life is focused on self. Oh my... I'm beginning to get addicted to this awesome feeling. It's like.. hmm, what shall I do today? What do I like to eat? What do I like to see? What do I this, I that, I anything. No need to care for opinions or compromises or accomdations. It's great. Solo travel is just GREAT.

I'm going to be thinking. Probably alot. Silence external means screaming internal. But thinking now is good. Living now is good. There will not be (for a long while) another time in my life when I get a chance like this. The chance to be completely, utterly, alone. I could choose to meet friends/new people. But I can also choose to meet myself.

It feels empowering, to toss everything that once you hold dear, out of the window into the blowing winds. To turn your back on the petty worries of yesterday. To walk forth and know that no matter the circumstance, there is an irreducible core at your being, which nothing could ever chip away. That no matter the circumstance, you can subordinate your feelings, and choose your response, and let your values take charge.

Because you were made for greater things than this.


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When you lose something, you gain something else. Some days I think all is lost. Maybe what I can't control is lost to me.

But all is not lost, all is never lost. I'm still here. And people could fall by the wayside in your walk in life, but keep on walking, cos all is never lost. You remain. And so I guess it's done. Closed doors. Game over. Another chapter of my life finished. Another past created. Perhaps there isn't a future, for anything small. Should I be sad? Or regret my choices? The things I've said and done.

Nahh. I did everything I wanted to. And if this is what it is, then this is what it'll be. Should I feel remorse for what's gone. I would say, I feel numb. It's not a new feeling. It's not the first time. Externalities don't matter anymore. Selfishness heals, strangely. I'm just waiting now, for me.

What's at the next stage then. I don't know. I never did know better. But right now I'm thinking of what the appropriate perspective should be. How should I see the world now. After another head-dunking near drowning that has got to be way worse than the first.



Hmm. How should I see the world. What now.
Amaze me World, Surprise me Life?

But first, where am I

Monday, June 01, 2009

Okay so I’ve told her. Yeap, 3 times actually. 3 attempts at a talk. Heart to heart. ‘Friend’ to ‘friend’. I thought honesty would cut it. Emphasis on thought. I guess Will was right, you can’t be too optimistic about things. It could go bad. Well, I guess I over-estimated our friendship and our maturity in that regard. Things are not going well at all.

One and a half weeks of travel. I’ve been bringing them around. Plainly, you’re ignoring me. I guess I should’ve seen it coming. I thought things were going fine at Disney. Maybe too good, I was a little too close I guess. Couldn’t help it. Shouldn’t have allowed. But I ain’t going to hide anymore. Like I said, if it shows it shows, there’s no more holding back this heart. I dislike being secretive anyway, it never did my mind any good. No more prisons for feelings anymore, I’ll wear my heart on my sleeve.

I guess sometimes you pay the price for honesty, or there are consequences you must endure for being true to yourself. Not all are pleasant, but the trying ones are your growing pains. I’m trying now, God, to figure out Your lesson in this. This period of distance, when my friend is awkward with me and she cannot help it. Well, I feel that she could, but what I feel doesn’t change reality anyway. The distance and the cold are still there. And New York will feel rather cold for me, even though it’s now spring. I wish I could see the point in being honest this time. Do I feel better now that the bag has spilled its beans, now that my cards are laid out on the table? In a way, yes. I feel freer, I don’t have to pretend that there’s nothing in the air when it’s pregnant with longing. I don’t have to pretend that all I am and all I could be is a friend to you.

There is nothing to hide really. I shouldn’t have hid it from the start. Or maybe things were meant to be this way. I know once we reach New York, she would go running towards her friends. Duh. And that’s something that I’ll have to deal with, in my own way.

I’m someone who cannot stand failure, who cannot stand loss. I’m someone who would always try to gurantee a win, who doesn’t believe that she deserves any less fate than victory. Thus far, God has been blessing me, and I have rarely failed in anything that I do. Except this I guess.

What would I trade? For companionship and love, instead of the baubbles and accolades that I have. So much for money, for glory, for pleasure. What are these things when you don’t have someone to share it with.

I remember the Bible verse that SJ showed me. Yes, God, I remember that I do not have to worry for tomorrow cos You will provide. That in time, things would come through for me. But I don’t know I guess, I don’t really know. The future looks blank ahead of me. I want to be excited about it but I’m fearful as well. In some ways I’m afraid of going back to Singapore, because familiarity brings you back to past demons. They are waiting under my bed, and I loathe to return to those hauntings.

Lord, it is not easy. Each day is a real test of choice and tolerance. Sometimes, I cannot stand it. Cannot stand the fact that I’m non-existent. I’ve to keep reminding myself that I choose my response. Yes, I have to choose my response. Can’t just let those irrational feelings wash over. I’ve been trying to make things go back to normal, trying to be like friends again. But I’m just bumping against a wall every time. I know I must do things with the end in mind. And I want that end to be a positive lasting friendship out of this mess. However, my feelings are interfering, and the other isn’t cooperating. I can’t seem to rebuild this house, now that I realized it’s really made out of cards. Not as strong as I hoped for. I thought this friendship could withstand this disaster. I’m not sure. Yet.

Yes it is tough, yes it is trying, yes I’m the only one who feels this the most. But there must be a point to all this. I’m not sure if I’ve done all the right things and made all the right moves so far. It’s hard to tell. And I loathe to have to regret my choices. But whatever the case, here I am now and this is the present reality. I can’t turn back time, and I’ve got choices to make, responses to invoke. And I know that what doesn’t kill me would make me stronger. This is torture but it’s not going to kill me, and I’ll just have to figure out how I’m going to handle this. Talking to walls is not helping. I shall not force the future that I envision. I will let it come to me, if it will. I will try to get used to traveling alone, slowly, through this new … ostracism? It’s almost like semi-solo travel right now. You’re with people, but it’s not the same. It’s like being alone in a crowded room.

Remember you choose your response. And I must remember that I paid almost 20000 to enjoy this country. And I must reap from every moment that I spend here. Every moment counts. Every moment of breathe. Look around you, for you only have 14 days here. Look around you, for you won’t see this again in the next 10 years. Look around you, because these are scenes from sublime movies that have captured your imagination. Look around you, because this is only for your eyes. Everything else is secondary. Subordinate those feelings, hold onto those impulses and let your values take charge. Choose your response. And girl, take a deep breathe. For you are beautiful and magnificent. You have tried your best, and your best is what God calls for in you. I have sent a dozen invitations to treat. Genuine they may be, but they have gone unanswered. And so I take a bow and return to my seat. My tries are finished; I see the folly of my ways. Trying this often within a short time is not fulfilling, neither is it effective. I bid my time and refrain. Patience is a virtue I sorely lack, and it’s teaching me a painful lesson now. But futility is the correction mark and I’ll stay patient then. I’ve made my moves on the chess board, and now I shall wait. For friendship takes 2 hands to clap anyway. And I can’t force friendship on anyone.



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And omfg, I just realised I've been accidentally posting stuff like these on my US C film class blog accidentally.
Oh
My
Gawd.

Can I just crawl and die somewhere now? Oh gosh. I pray I never bump into any of my film classmates. EVER AGAIN.