Sunday, May 10, 2009

Last Thursday I went to church.

It feels... like the weight of two years have lifted. I felt for the first time I could smile at myself. Is this what it feels like to be free once more. Maybe not totally. I know there are some unfinished words I have yet to speak. Which I will say, since they were meant to have been said months, years ago. If saying would give me closure. If telling you is what I need to do. If being true to myself is more important than whether you would stay around. Then I can't wait for Tuesday to come faster.

I don't know how I could put into words. Thoughts that have swirled and lingered for so long in my head. Conversations I imagine and practice only to myself. Images I've played. Words I've rehearsed. Feelings I've expressed. I guess one night is enough. To say all of it. But whether you could feel the depth and understand the breadth of it all, I don't know. But I'll try. God has given me my green light and shown me the red one at the end.

Last Thursday I saw the folly of my ways. Of being stubborn, headstrong, of trying to be independent. Trying to be superwoman. Trying to do the 'right' thing. Trying to be self-righteous really, when all I needed to be was to have been genuine and honest. Someone once told me, and I remember it clearly. That the love you feel for someone, no matter the circumstance, no matter the way it's treatment by them, is pure and genunine and real. And nothing could take that away. And so don't regret your love. For it came from you, pure and genuine and true.

But all I've seen of this love is nothing but spite and pain and hurt and oppression. That's what I saw of this feeling, I called it entrapment. Hated the fact that I loved. But couldn't stop loving anyway and tried to hate you instead. How I've mistreated this love. How I should not have acted. I guess it's time to make amends, and in so doing, set you and me free. I guess if you love hard enough, there will be nothing else left to give but love.

Some things were not meant to stay in dark covers, or be kept in bottled containers, or opaque hearts. I was never good at hiding to begin with. We were not made to behave this way. Love is a verb, not a feeling. And because too often I call it a 'feeling', I mistake that love is about me. How selfish could I be. To keep it about me. I would love you, because I was meant to release it this way. And I've tried a million things to keep this love away, and suppress it as a feeling, not knowing that the only closure I would get is in loving you. Doesn't matter what happens. Some things are in God's hands and God's hands only. At this point, I don't expect anything, really. There is no more to expect. What else could I demand? I've seen it all, all the worse that could happen. There's no more want, no more need, only the desire to let it all go. I don't want to hold on secretly to this love anymore. I want to give it the treatment it deserves. Because it's pure and genuine and true, and I should be proud of it. Because it came from me.

The only regret I have... is in not doing this earlier. To complicate my heart with morals of the mind. When really, it's all so simple. God makes things simple, if you just listen to that still small voice, let Him show you the path, and He will choose your correct outcomes. I would do the 'right' thing, if I listened to my heart more. And I don't want Your 'acceptable' will. I want Your perfect will for me.

And if this love ain't returned, this is Your perfect will. But at least I know, that You have brought me to the water, and bid my head to dip and drink. And the lesson that You teach me, is the waters that I will taste. For a long time I question what is Your plan for me in this. What is the value, the lesson.

Last Thursday I realised I was too small to jump the gun, to find out the lesson before it was due. I tried to be smart and figure it out. I thought too smugly that I was clever enough to discern. I've always believed in learning in the mistakes of others, so that I myself would never falter. Failure was never an option, I don't allow myself to do wrong. Last Thursday I realised that there is no shortcut to growth. That no point can be sharpened without repeated lashings of a blade. That no person grows wiser without pain. Last Thursday I saw the point of this long long lesson. And once again, I thank You God, for showing me the way. Just like you did when I was 17. My trial by fire.

You don't grow. Without feeling pain. And you were a painful lesson to me. But for the first time Last Thursday, I felt like I was walking lighter. And I can honestly say, that there's a smile right now. If love is what you discern from my eyes or my actions, it's because it was meant to be. Always meant to be.

Love is a verb, not a feeling. And whatever the plan is, I want Your perfect will for me. Not second-best, not convenient, not what-I-want, but what is right and true and meaningful in Your eyes Lord. I want Your perfect will for me. And I lay my love in Your hands.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

I felt really sad last night.