Saturday, April 18, 2009

It's strange.

A different surrounding suppresses certain pressures. For awhile you were enraptured by a new bubble. What could possibly go wrong in a land so new. Funny how yourself manages to find its own way back. Triggers. Engrams, that's what the scientologists call it. And you find yourself imploding. All it takes is a spark. Suddenly it's all aflame, and you look at your hands and question who is this. Surprise. The clown has sprung the box. The joke's on you but you don't get it. The world is laughing at, not with.

You pace around the room like a hamster trapped in its spinning wheel. There's no where else to go and the living room is cramped, crowded, small. Claustrophobic. A metaphor of your mental space. First you can't believe. Second, you don't understand. Third, you look at yourself and realise with horrow what's happening. And you can't stop it. Why. The scream creeps up but there is no sound. The pressure behind the eyes are building and why why are they wet again. There's no reason.

As if you need further prove. Chemicals get induced, your aches start again. The familiar rumble in the stomache begins, and you know. For sure. This time, the hurt is self-induced. There is no air in this room. The windows are shut. Everything is green around here. The carpets, the furniture. Your laptop offers no comfort. I need a breather.

Put on a jacket. Grab the neccesities and I take my bike down nowhere lane. I don't know where I'm going. I just need to clear this head. And go and go and go. I'm running away. Literally. I lost track of time. I was tempted to check the watch. But I realise what I'm doing all this while. All this 'calculating', 'practicality', 'sense', 'caution', all these checks and balances. What have you got me so far? No. Life's too short to do the same thing. I will do it differently if I can. I will not look at time. Tomorrow will figure itself out. If the tires burst on this rocky gravel, if the sky gets dark, if I meet a mugger. I will figure it out as it comes. Life's too short for plan Bs and Cs and contingencies. I don't have a plan now anyway.

I've gone to a few places today. Lay atop a wall in beverly hills. Spent. And somehow the trees are pretty when viewed from below. Being still is calming. And I'm thinking, I need a conversation with God.


I need a conversation with God.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Why are things so hard? Do harder things make us appreciate them more? Do we take easy things for granted?

Some things seem to be more trouble than they are worth. Or is that another consolation prize for the loser mentality.

Solitude makes you think. Sometimes it does the opposite and I space out instead. Or I start humming to myself or singing songs. But it's just you and me in my head talking. Trying to figure out life's mysteries and amusingly noticing things I never ever took a good look at.

June is my month of solitude. I wonder what the possibilities are. When you'll be out of physical contact from everyone you know. Scary? In some ways. Exciting? More like 'concerned'. Want to turn back? Tempted, but I know I'll regret my choice. This is probably, one of the few chances I get to spend my life in a different, removed enviroment. Here's your chance to do something very different. Here's your experience. Don't cop out on it. Like many others who have gone before you said, solo travel was one of the best decisions they ever made. Anyways I think I would take quite well to solo travelling. Solitude seems to be a fitting, apt circumstance, despite being social all the time. From my travel experience, if I ever meet someone whom I can travel with for a prolonged period of time and not get annoyed at them. That would be the one. Lol.

On a tangential note, I am mastering my 'seasoned', jaded, seen-it-all, local resident 'look'. I've also got my 'local' drab outfit all sorted. Mugging prevention 101.


Every time you fail, you die a little inside.

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Amaze me, World. Surprise me, Life.
But then again, no one owes me these things.
Earn it? Possibly. I'm trying.
Winner's attitude? I'm also trying.
Philosophies serve only confusion, and I haven't made up my mind.
Meanwhile.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

I wonder how I'm going to readjust back to Singapore life. I'm so used to things here.

The weather, cooking my own meals, all sorts of coloured people around me (how am I going to get used to cookie cutter copies of my race when I get back), sharing an apartment, travelling, not taking public transport, cycling everyday, creating art, spending 40% of my time on travel websites...

There will be a whole month when I'm trooping about the US on my own. Cool, I hope I'd be safe heh. But one thing I notice when you're all alone and travelling, is that the chances of you bumping into random conversations is higher. Which makes for an interesting evening.

I'm talking bs. And I realised this place hasn't been updated in awhile.

I can't help myself, I'm in love
And when I get back from outer space
I'm gonna punch him in his face
If he's the moon, then I'm eclipsed
I'm so lunar yeah when I get to him
I'll run him over with my rocket ship

My eyeliner runs in constellations for you dear
If only I could reboot my mechanical heart
I'd think clear

Baby I'm feeling so out of this world
Baby with you I'm a different girl
Oh-oh-oh, You're my future love
Baby could we make a home in the stars
Baby somewhere in the galaxy far
Oh-oh-oh, you're my future love


-- "Future Love", Lady Gaga