Thursday, November 13, 2008

"Warming Her Pearls"
for Judith Radstone

Next to my own skin, her pearls. My mistress
bids me wear them, warm then, until evening
when I'll brush her hair. At six, I place them
round her cool, white throat. All day I think of
her,

resting in the Yellow Room, contemplating silk*
or taffeta, which gown tonight? She fans herself
whilst I work willingly, my slow heat entering
each pearl. Slack on my neck, her rope.

She's beautiful. I dream about her
in my attic bed; picture her dancing
with tall men, puzzled by my faint, persistent scent
beneath her French perfume, her milky stones.

I dust her shoulders with a rabbit's foot,
watch the soft blush seep through her skin
like an indolent sigh. In her looking-glass
my red lips part as though I want to speak.

Full moon. Her carriage brings her home. I see
her every movement in my head...Undressing,
taking off her jewels, her slim hand reaching
for the case, slipping naked into bed, the way

she always does...And I lie here awake,
knowing the pearls are cooling even now
in the room where my mistress sleeps. All night
I feel their absence and I burn.

-CAROL ANN DUFFY

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

I am in class now. And it's terribly borring.



One presentation down, one more to go tomorrow. We even created a video, it was a hilarious process. I hope the class finds it funny too. Hopefully.



I seem to have a lot of events lined up for the weekend. But I can't remember what they are!! Arggh! There is cycling... there is church... there is cell/choir... there are some other things.... Hmmm.



Cell group last night was nice. I think I might have caused some yawns, but oh wells, at least I tried! Was abit perturbed by some things I noticed about church. Beef brisket noodles is nice. I'm going to really miss good Asian food next year...

Class is over! Yays!

Monday, November 03, 2008

Today was one of those days that I had absolutely nothing to do.

I'm in third year, I should be busy. I do have work, but it can wait. After all, why start work when you are compiling and others haven't sent in their stuff? So I discovered other things today.

Music:

Tegan and Sara is a new interesting musical phenomena.
I really like the music that lesbian films have in the background. Especially those in the credits. Maybe all lesbians have similar tastes when it comes to music. I don't know. But the music is also notoriously difficult to find. I love the music on Water Lilies, I love the music on The Gymnast. And now I'm liking tegan and sara. Hmm.

Rain:

Today it rained. My house is a corner unit. In all the bedrooms, the windows look out to the streets below and the forests beyond. I feel like I'm in a box, which has strong sturdy walls about it. And it's protecting me from the majestic elements. There is a balcony at our living room. Two glass doors are the gates to the womb of the house. And those two glass doors were the shields against the storm today. There was a small gap between those glass doors, and the sky howled and pounded the building, pounded the balcony and blew its might through that gap. I stood at that gap and felt the wind and rain and lovely music that nature makes when it cleanses.

I love the rain. I love it when it rains so angrily when I'm indoors at home. All safe and snug. When it rains, everything becomes new and reborn. It is said that the safest time to drive is just after it rains. Why? Because the rain washes away the slippery dust from roads, giving your car wheels more grip. The rain also makes the air smell nice. Clean. And the water is forming droplets on your window grills. Like tears about to fall. And as the sky lashes against the panes, snaking trails of water run down the glass. Over and over.

I remember once I got caught in the rain. When I was small, I can't remember how old. But I remember liking the feeling of being in the rain. And so I continued standing there on purpose. It was near the playground. The shelter was a mere 10 meters away. But the rain was a greater comfort. And I stood there, oblivious to the angry shouts of my maid to "Come back in!". I stood there with my face to the heavens, and my clothes soaked to the skin. And the drops like little bullets of cold shocks on my skin.


And it makes me feel strong.

---------

If it ever rains one day. Again. Would I ever have dare to stand outside and get wet.


Or am I too old and 'wiser' now, to do what I shouldn't.

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Today the pastor at church mentioned something about herself. That she used to wake up in the morning... with a bad mood and feeling depressed. I tried to picture myself at the beginning of each day and realised I wake up with another emotion instead. Unlike happy or sad or mopey or lost, I can be pretty poker-face about this. Good cover, you wouldn't know otherwise if you weren't me. Which is a good thing, or else I'd blow my cover. Better not reveal it either. Shhhh!

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There was choir practice, and a few of us went into the library for small-group practice. As people were singing, my eyes were wandering and I browsed through the available books on the shelves. For the first time I discovered the church library. We have quite a lot of interesting books. I wonder where people get all these books, I'm sure most of them are banned here. Picked up one which had an authorative-sounding title. It promised a lot of things on its cover. Just like a good marketing/promo would do. Read a bit of the contents. Lots of 'purpose-driven' and psychological theories. It felt unnerving to swallow those words, I put it away. It's a discomforting book, one that jars with reality. Sometimes I wonder how much people believe in their own advice.

--------

A week ago, someone whom I just met for the first time made this passing remark as I was telling a story. Said that I looked "too proper and obedient. Like those straight-A students." Something just soured right there and then.

Well, FUCK YOU. I am a straight-A student.

I don't know why, but this makes me very angry. Good thing I hid it pretty well.

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Just last night I had a thought. Current state of being can be summed up as: confused. But I guess that's a pretty normal state to be in. If one considers normal as something that occurs ad nauseum such that it has become a part of daily life. Yes, confusion abounds. What's new. I'm confused. My logic is not working. The magnificent brain has failed itself.

What's for lunch?

--------

Maybe,... just maybe, as I had a thought last night: You're trying to be someone you're not. But, oh gosh, there's so many logical loopholes about this. I could think of a million rebuttals/counter-arguements. What if, you don't even know what you're supposed to be? If you don't know what you're supposed to be.. then how would you know if you're trying to be something else you shouldn't be? I don't know. That's my three-word answer to life's mysteries. But somehow, that thought just stuck.

You're trying to be someone else. It's depressing.

And then the next reaction would be... Ahhh fuck it!

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I swore I could have thrown out the three idiots in my car on Friday night. It was very annoying. It is not good to annoy a driver. I cannot multi-task, I cannot talk deep and drive at the same time. I also cannot feel angry and drive safely at the same time. If you piss me off while I'm in the car, you pay if I get into an accident. That said, I owe nothing to nobody and I'm not going to do any more favours. No.

I'm of the view that misfortune is mostly self-deserved. If something bad happens to you, you probably did something to initiate it. If something bad is currently happening to you, and you find yourself unable to do anything. You're stupid.

Oops, wrong.

Too often as third-party observers, it's very easy for us to say what could've been done. Could've, should've, ought-tos. Uppity moral obligations and commands that everyone should have the capacity to follow. But you know what? Tis not true. I'm not as strong as I think I am. Not as brave as I envision myself to be. When situations kick you about like a football, sometimes you get paralyzed. Now I know why J thanked me so profusely when I stood up for him. Now I know why he couldn't do it himself. Now I know why I can't do it myself either.

For all the things that people say about you, about wow how brave you are! You're only 21 but you've done so much! Heck, they don't know half the story. They don't know the times that we are wimps and cowards and shadows of who we are. They don't know the times when we fall way below expectations.

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Should I care? Should I not care? Should I tune out? Should I stay alert? I don't know. Both options sounds equally bad. One wrong misstep and I'll end up landing on the landmine of wasted youth.

Wasted youth.

Those two words are very scary. I'm not sure if I'm wasting my youth already. Right now, at this moment. Maybe blogging is a waste of youth. Maybe facebook is a waste of youth. Maybe everything you're doing right now is a waste of youth.

But people say mistakes must be made for one to learn! But people also say that youth is wasted on the young and they wished they had done things differently!

I don't want to regret. I don't want to waste.

But words and thoughts are meaningless if your actions prove otherwise. Though I try and say I'll do things differently, not care, don't care, fuck care, tune out, ignore, avoid. The body functions differently. It acts on its own damn instinct.

I have no control. That. Is (unfortunately) certain.

And alot of 'smart-asses' would say that those who feel powerless, would be powerless in life. That you are who you think you are. Whatever. Bottomline is. I have no control. The more I try to control, the less I have control. And I'm already losing it.

No matter how much I try not to waste my life. It is probably dripping away at this moment.

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There are 2 more months to my exchange. Very fast. But also a very long time. For a nice while, that occupied my mind. So many things to prepare, so many things to get excited about. You even forget yourself. But dusty things under your bed are hard to run away from. And you were never a fast runner to begin with. Everything catches up in the end. All you've got is world-weary stamina.

I just want a safe environment. Somewhere I can just disappear.

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The old haunting's still there. There is a wound that refuses to scab over. I despise it.


I don't know.
I'm confused.
Ahh fuck it.

Otherwise known as... Confusion> frustration > resignation > the end.