Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I detest the Singaporean mentality. The collectivist mindset. The need for familiarity and comfort zones and "safety". I can't stand it when people don't step out of their shells and don't push boundaries. I get annoyed when I see it in the people around me, from all walks of life, from all social circles. I was telling a few people about it over the past few days, and how much it irks me.

Someone actually called me "weird" for wanting no safety nets.

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It's rare to find someone who shares the same views as you do. I was talking to I the other day and how she was mildly surprised that I harbour the same attitude towards new experiences. And also to V, and how we both feel disdain towards the asian mindset.

I like independence, someone who can stand on their own two feet and not be swayed by the winds. Who knows what they are looking for and are not afraid of doing the different thing to achieve it. Who can't be bothered to give a fuck.


Cos life's too short to give a flying fuck about "the things that you should do" and follow the crowd. Sometimes I feel like slapping people awake.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

How cool is this:

1. My university housing in LA is three streets away from the largest LGBT library archive in the world.

2. The school has like a FEW ccas for LGBT causes. A FEW kay, not just one, a FEW. And some of the faculties have specific-faculty LGBT groups. Like the law, communication, medicine and business faculties.

3. They have a whole dorm floor dedicated for LGBT students in one of the apartments.

4. They have a center for LGBT resources. And it's a hell lot of resources.

5. I happened to email their director for more info on their programs, and also about their LGBT housing so I don't have to travel to get to the gay parties. And they asked if I want to join their peer mentor program? Like whoa, they are very serious about what they do. But hey, if I can get someone to show me around the gay life of LA. Cool!

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Yay, can't wait. It'll be so different from Singapore.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

I AM BROKE.

No money no money no money. This exchange thing is really costing a lot. It just dawned upon me, that the entire exchange is going to cost the same amount as my mom spends on me for 1.5 years. I better get the damn scholarship. Or else I'm going to burn a major hole in my parents' bank account. Thankfully though, there's been a few sources of cashflows lately.

One was the student consultancy project. Some easy cash into the bank account. One of the best decisions I ever made about school, haha.

Two, is the public speaking training gigs. I got roped in through the student toastmasters network. Basically, we go around secondary schools or junior colleges doing training stints. Teaching the kids how to give effective presentations for their project work or for generic value-adding education. It was a really interesting experience because it comes the closest to an actual teaching experience. Plus, it pays as good as tuition but is much more fun and much more engaging/rewarding. And it's also ten times more challenging than toastmasters. The toastmasters crowd is very kind towards you, very encouraging, very supportive. But a student crowd can be very critical and evaluative. Then again, it also means a lot more when they really appreciate the things you do for them and see the value in public speaking.

I remember the most the faces of awed students or students who were really grateful. And I also remember the students who pull faces and show disbelief towards you. You get to see both ends of the spectrum. The easiest thing about teaching... is the syllabus. Heck, you the trainer, embodies the public speaking syllabus. It is the crowd-control, the group-dynamics, the student-teacher link, these things are the hardest to master but yet makes or breaks the class. Best of all, this is the first time I've worked with university student entrepreneurs. Making money out of a skill that we take for granted sometimes, a skill that some of us might even consider a "hobby". The thought that I could get paid teaching you how to present... It's like... someone paying me to bake. Haha. But I'm not sure if I could do this as a fulltime job. Talking for 5 hours over 3 days has already made me hoarse.

Which brings me back to a niggling question that I always have but rarely think about. What the heck do I want to do when I start working?

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On wednesday night, the youths went for an anniversary dinner. It was really nice, my first time at one fullerton. The best thing I ate there was the bread. Haha, serious! Actually, it was the butter that was spread on the bread. It is, by far, the most delicate, subtle, smooooooth and clean-tasting butter I've ever had. Maybe it's the brand Philadelphia. I don't know. But hell, it tasted so good I ate 3 breads just to eat the butter, of which I had 1.5 sticks. Haha. Of cos, the other dishes in the sit-down dinner was fab as well. Dessert was especially intriguing and delightful. Vanilla ice-cream that was authentic enough to be dotted with real vanilla. When one dish has to be described in 3 lines comprising mostly of french jargon, you know it's going to be good. Mmmm.

Company was great. I met some old friends that I haven't seen in a long long time. Chillaxed with the youths by the bay, saw the Singapore skyline from an awesome angle and discovered a nice hangout joint. And OH, Pam Oei was the host! Ohmygahhh!!! It was tough to tear one's eyes away from so plunging a neckline, that actually showcased real assets instead of some bird-cage ribs. It probably accelerated my hunger haha... for it was 830pm when we were served.

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On Friday I commenced the pizza experiment. My oven, predictably, was getting faulty. As I was pre-heating it (to its maximum temperature). Some internal explosion occured and the entire house short-circuited. I swear I saw a lightning-like flash go off near the oven before the bang-and-lights-out. Apparently, zeng-ing your oven using ceramic tiles to raise the temperature to unusually high values (from past pizza experiments)... will cause damage to the oven resulting in poor performance. And because the heating now sucks (it is at way too low a temperature to make good pizza crust), it takes super-long to cook the pizza. Which is wrong. And tastes wrong too.

Previously, my pizza turnovers took 2 minutes flat. Which is the way pizzas are supposed to be cooked. And the oven would be so extremely hot that the moment I open it and put my hand near the opening of the oven, I can feel this 'searing' sensation on my skin. Now, it just feels warm. And it's really irritating because the dough has improved this time. You see, 2 things must go right in pizza-making. The dough, and the cooking process. Fail one and the other cannot rescue it, no matter how perfectly mastered. It sucks when you own a ceramic tile substituing for a genuine pizza stone, and hence have a comparative advantage when it comes to home-made pizzas. But you can't do any better cause you screwed your oven.

Sadly I am broke, and I won't be asking for a new oven.

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I played squash on saturday. Finally. After wanting to play for the longest time. It was really fun, and now my butt hurts badly cos I'm not used to all that sprinting inside a box.

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I've got a couple of things to juggle on my plate right now. Sometimes people think I'm very busy when I tell them the number of things I do and the numerous commitments to various organisations/groups I make. Sometimes people think I have no time because of such things. Most of the time, people underestimate how much I could stretch. Well.

I have a disdain for 'ought tos' or 'shoulds' or 'theories' or action plans which appeal to logic but aren't successful in practice. I have a disdain for things which do not work, which are faulty, which can be pretty much summed up as 'mass-market con'. To these things, I'll say FUCK IT. Bring your wares and go somewhere else, you're cramping my style.



Shut up.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Touchy-feely confuses the fuck out of me. Elbows, shoulders, back. You don't know who you're dealing with.



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So it's confirmed. I will be leaving the first week of January and returning on the first week of July. Almost 7 months in America and 2 days in Tokyo.

I have a feeling that when I come back to Singapore, I will miss the other world... very very much. I also have a feeling that I will be traveling mostly by myself. Mostly because there are specific gay events and places I want to see. Which is not altogether a bad thing. Singular travel is better than traveling with a bunch of morons whom you have to compromise with all the time. But I'm definitely looking forward to 2 days in Tokyo by myself! Somehow the thought of exploring cramped spaces and a world totally different from America is very refreshing. And oh, I will EAT in Tokyo, but maybe not in the US. I've got to be like a pauper there, considering my whoppingly-expensive plane ticket which increased by 20% cos I waited 3 weeks later to purchase it. Shit.


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Singapore feels like an airport lounge, and I've got a plane to catch to somewhere else. There is nothing now but waiting.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Shush!

Friday, October 03, 2008

I went home tonight with a million, all too familiar questions. I guess after awhile, you realise that shouting to a blank wall isn't going to elicit any answers. It's been blank, has always been, still is, and will forever be. I guess I'm quicker to shut up, and wrap up the questions this time. Things get easier with practice. Practice makes perfect, even the wrong stuff.

It's tough to mirror excitement. Hard to separate self from others. Hard to be objective without trying to relate. And these, made all the damn harder by your transparency. Your much-loathed transparency. If only you could hide under a leaf, and stick a peace sign outside the door. If only there weren't suspicous smells coming from beneath your doorway, signalling rot to come. If only, you could be genuine about what you say. (because you know you better damn hell do the right thing now and as you do, try to be genuine about it once. But how to (?)... if you feel so differently in your guts).

New things reinforces certain ideas. Or is it pre-conceived ideas that bring forth these new things? I don't know which is the chicken or the egg. New age philosophy confuses me and doesn't give me any answers anyway. Just as my prof said, letting 2 group members answer for one question of the Q&A is enough. If you let more people answer, the question doesn't solve itself, it just grows wider. The more opinions you happen to eavesdrop upon, the larger the conflagaration grows within. But you always come back to a single point, and realise that really, nothing makes sense at all. Your reality, isn't mine. Period.

I'm not sure. Three words to describe almost everything right now. And the scariest thing is that maybe, I might land upon a wrong answer. Who knows?



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There are too many options
There is no consolation
I have lost my illusions
What I want is an explanation



----- "Love Profusion", Madonna