Saturday, September 27, 2008

I'm beginning to doubt myself.

On the graph of performance versus experience, the trend is not an upward and linear one at that. Sometimes, it dips. And I can't explain why.

Where is your confidence going now. It is not funny, to find yourself stuttering. Not funny at all. Why the roadbumps and kerbsides, wasn't it all smooth-sailing before. The toughest thing is this is really mental. It's all in the head, whether you make or break. And why am I now thinking of 'breaking'.


-------

Just today at a training session, they screened this video of a champion speaker. And there was something he said which ran parallel to things I could relate. He has some tough, tough words of advice. And I was revolting in my brain all the way. You know he's right, but you loathe to do what he tells you anyway. Hate it with a vengence.

-------


I think it would help, if I knew what I wanted to do when I grow up. Or out of university.

I think it would help.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

There are days when I get ahead of myself. Sometimes you let the little things eat you up and you lose sight of why you do the things you do. Small niggling things but things that burden you nonetheless, and give you lesser hope for the future.

But I guess I mustn't forget why I'm doing all these things for. What was the reason, 3, 4 years ago when me and another wide-eyed boy decided to plunge into the unknown because of the rejections we experienced. And how it must never, never happen to other people the way it did to us.

There are a few people that I actually admire. Few because I tend to cast a critical eye on things, and hold others to undeserving high standards. And even if I do, I tend to keep it silent and smile to myself, quietly proud of them. B is one of them. He represents to me, a tireless force for the new generation. Truly driven. More driven than I am, more zealous in my desire for change. And the best thing is that he never gets distracted, never gets distracted by glitter, by temptation, by good bad or ugly, by anything else that deviates from that ultimate goal. And for that, I sincerely take my hat off to him. He reminds me, what I'm doing this for.

We do all that we do for a reason. And I mustn't forget that. Mustn't forget the foundation upon which this group was started. Continue pushing.

Hopefully, when I come back from America, I would know a lot more. Know better of how they run things over there, and bring it back here where I've grown too safe for so long that I've forgotten how it once was.



I've got to remember my own Stonewall.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Today one of the professors in my class said that we are witnessing history happening.

And yes we are. With the collapse of all these major financial institutions, you wonder if it's the dawn of a new age.. of... I'm not sure what. But through fire and ashes would rebirth something new.

It reminds me of how we always look towards the future and wonder what it holds. And thoughts of the future occupy our minds. But right now, my thoughts have somewhat been pulled to the present, as I ponder over the reasons why these things are happening. Been discussing with my group-mates about the current financial situation, and yes, the present is becoming monumental indeed.

Sometimes as I study, I wonder about the purpose and origin of all these ratios. And it struck me a long time ago that these ratios aren't 'real'. They've been created to measure created benchmarks and figures for 'perceived wealth' and gain. It's not like the law of physics, infallible, nature-created. These laws of finance are man-made. If you think about it, they are nothing but invented concepts. And people run their whole lives and put all their moneys in concepts created by people. When these concepts fail, people fall along with it. It's a mess we all created ourselves. But unlike other human inventions like the airplane and other scientific/engineering feats. These inventions aren't real. Credit isn't real. It's putting your bills on the future generation without regards of whether they will come into being or not. We're standing on air, building our wealth on air. And worse of all, I think the biggest lesson that we'll all learn from this debacle is that the markets are not hard science. Instead, they are the barometer of human emotion.

The latest failures, is, in my extremely humble opinion, significantly attributed to speculation. People selling off stocks they believe will fail, compounding a problem which precisely needs their capital to solve it. We're digging our own graves. And the market is emotional, not technical. Some of the best investment types that were hot stuff in the past banked on consumer sentiment to drive their gains. Like auction-rate securities. Many funds need to be fed capital to sustain profit-generating investment. Well, we're building up a house of cards. It's no wonder everything's falling now.

Just today, JC said the next step is to short Goldman stocks. And Chris complained that he didn't act on his consideration to short Merril just last Friday and now he gained nothing for it. E complained that he lost USD$400 in the time it took him to go down an elevator. My prof tells me he has lost more than 90% of his stock value on Citigroup and AIG.

I don't know what to do. And I ain't doing anything. I think I shall build myself a bomb shelter in Alaska and bunker down in the snow until everything blows over.

On an upside, USD is expected to go down next year! Yay for US exchange students!!! I shall diversify the risks over time and draw money as and when I need in the US, instead of converting a large sum to USD now.

I am so torn.




ARGGHH!




Have been deliberating the whole day and last night on travel plans.




I got a few options.




1. Simplest way --> Go to LA straight away at the start of exchange, come back from SF. Cheapest also. Only about $1900 and no complications.




1a. Hopefully visit NYC, Boston, Chicago immediately after exams in mid-May, when temperatures are balmy. Not that cold.




1b. Since I'm going to stopover at Tokyo on the flight back to Singapore. I feel like going to Tokyo for a few days. I'll have to call the travel agency to see if I can differ the transfer back home.




2. Harder/more fun way --> Go to NYC for the new year period. It'll be really cold during the heart of snowy winter, but there will be post-Christmas sales and cheaper Broadway tickets. But good hotels are in short supply. And almost all decently priced accomodation is gone for the new year's eve period. Can you just say damn? Then later, transfer to LA after spending a week or more in NY.




2a. Don't bother visiting East Coast of the US after the exchange, I'll just go to west coast, mid-west and maybe north (Canada) or south (Mexico).




2b. Tokyo. Of cos.




3. Get the family to go for a vacation with me to NY/Boston??? Spend 2 weeks in NY during Christmas period before exchange. Wheee! But toughest to plan.






Sighhhh... there is so much work to do. Options 1 and 2 will cost roughly the same with regards to airfares. Whether I travel to NY before or after my exchange. Although option 1 is easier to plan, it also means I have less time to travel around the US.






How????




ARGHHHH!!!!

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Just a few days back, I was exchanging smses with another friend.

And somehow, we were delving into the 'deep stuff'. A rather random thing to occur. Unexpected given that we don't really know each other that well. But somehow, things spiraled into human nature dissectations that began from frivolous smses. But whatever. It began, and went downhill as expected.

I hate pretense, really. Maybe it's the years spent in the closet. You're so sick of deception. So when you stop deceiving others that you're gay, you also learn to stop deceiving others about who you really are (some non-gay aspects that really should stay in the closet).

I'm safe, if you don't probe there. But if you venture into land mine territory, too bad if it blows up. I'm not one to apologise for honesty. And I can be brutally honest about what I feel, if you ask me. I will tell the truth, or I will keep silent. But not once do I lie.

Not everyone can stomache honesty. So I prefer to keep silent, really. I don't like when people ask those questions. And I'm not surprised when they can't handle my answers. That's why I don't like those questions.

I've seen, what it's like to stand in front of a crowd. And with your words, see in their eyes how they are following the spirit in your heart. And see them actually have faith in you. Believe in you. To move people from the rock that they have planted themselves. One of my juniors, calls me the wonderful hui ling, and rattles off a whole string of titles whenever he introduces me before I speak. And I know what it's like, to use your words to affect others. I've known what it's like to move people positively.

I also know what it's like to bring others down. And you know what's the key to moving people? Pure, simple, straight-from-the-heart honesty.And there are things, you don't want to know what I really think about.

So I told, said friend above, not to talk about that again. And got a relieved reply. So things are back to status quo. We stand by our own convictions.



Till the day He comes before me Himself, it's my way or the highway. For I've got an axe to grind with the Devil.

Kaboom
Get it right
Get it right now
Get it right
Do it good
Get it right now

Oh lets bomb the factory
That makes all the wannabes
Lets burst all the bubbles
That brainwash the masses

As far as I can tell
It doesnt matter who you are
If you can believe theres something worth fighting for
The colour of an eye
The glory of a sudden view
The baby in your arms
The smile he always shoots at you

Believing in nothing
Makes life so boring
So lets pray for something
To feel good in the morning

Oh doctor
We're dying
Theres no use in crying
So live for tomorrow
And do what you have to.


-------- "Parade", Garbage




I love this song. It says so so many things.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Today I had an idea.

It was those kind of ideas that are like phoenixes. They are born out of fire and ash.

Once when I committed a Foolish Act, I somehow ended up with an idea of a pizza party.

The latest Foolish Act which transpired quite a while ago, has only recently coughed up its epiphany. I think it was probably the Anthony Bour dain show that brought it to life. It was about French polynesia and the local food. Then it just dawned upon me that we local foodies, and most particularly, the home chefs... tend to focus on western cuisine when it comes to exploring food ourselves.

We bake western goodies, try to create pasta dishes or other mediterranean stuff. Either way, our explorations are very heavily influenced by the western style. It's just like how our way of living, taste for music, art and literature, is very influenced by western society. And so goes our exploration of food. Then it dawned upon me that what a waste this can be. Because in our own Asian backyard, is a veritable treasure trove of unsung goodies that will very quickly die in the next few generations if we don't preserve it. If we continue to pursue western ideals even in our own kitchens. I see it in my ownself sometimes. When I think of food parties, I think western. Think barbeques, pasta and pizza dishes, think steaks and western desserts and western-style alcoholic beverages like wine and beer. I rack my brains thinking of all these dishes that is foreign to my own culture, when if I just look at the normal way we eat at home a.k.a. the chinese style. There is so many delicacies we could glean from it. If I bothered to learn them.

And thus, recent Foolish Act reminded me of the idea of a popiah party. Now popiah is not very exciting. It's not exciting to a local. But I can imagine to a foreigner, it would be a very weird and interesting thing indeed. They would probably call it, the 'Chinese Burrito'. Now I've never taught of popiah as party food. But if you think about it, popiah makes for great party food! Especially if you have really good popiah. Now I don't know about you, but hawker centre popiah sucks. It SUCKS ASS. If you don't like popiah, or can't imagine 'tasty' popiah, you haven't tried my mother's popiah. So actually, popiah can make good tasty party food!

What's more, its almost like pizza. Maybe even easier to handle than pizza. Cos the ingredients are all prepped beforehand, so all the guests need to do is put in their choice of fillings from a wide delectable selection, wrap up and eat. Very simple, very easy, lots of interesting combinations. Best of all, good popiah is addictive. Like good pizza. You just keep going back for more slices (or rolls, in this case).

Now popiah is a very Chinese dish. I'm not sure they even have it in China. So is it a South-east Asian or even Singaporean thing? I don't know. But who cares who invented popiah, more importantly is... how could it ever slip my mind that the humble home-made popiah of often-overlooked 'ethnic' cuisine can be as good a party food as the attas western kind that we all aspire to?

Then it brings to mind all those great dishes that are slowly being eroded from culture. Dishes which were once created painstakingly in our Asian homes and soon will cease to be created once the grannies die out. Like glutinous rice dumplings. Our elders can make it so good, sometimes better than the ones sold outside. How many of us know how to make those anymore? I bet zero. How many of us know how to make cakes? I bet many. And I bet we all do it worse than the Europeans (since of cos, they have been doing it for generations). When we can actually become almost instant experts in our own cuisine thanks to recipes handed down from generations past, we scoff at those and try our hands at something alien to our culture instead (and of cos we're never as good as the original ethnic group that invented it). It's like.. how indians make the best indian food, malays make the best malay food, chinese people will also make the best chinese food... if we bother to preserve our heritage.

I remembered some of the most intriguing delicious snacks I ever tasted were prepared by the grandmothers of friends. And the friends themselves have no idea how to create it. But I can tell you, those snacks sure beat the hell out of a lot of western home-made cuisine. So maybe in our culinary quests to become great chefs/bakers, maybe we're beating down the wrong door at times or walking down the wrong paths. We trawl online and watch cookshows trying to make that next wow ang-moh food. But when we could just take the path already laid out and trampled by generations before us, and consult our elders and learn how to make our own cuisine.

Because I know for a fact that I suck as a baker (until I invest in a much better oven that doesn't burn cakes black when you put it in for just 5 minutes at 150 degree celcius. I tell you something is seriously wrong with the oven, not me). But I bet I can make the best popiah this side of Asia.


If I only peeled my eyes away from western ideals and cared enough to learn from ancestry. It's time to go back to the roots.




*And so yes, popiah party. That is something I'm going to do one day. Cos we, the tays, know where in Singapore to buy the best popiah skin!!*



For those who will one day have the honour of tasting my popiah, let me just provide you a teaser of what goes into it.

- Slow-cooked daikon radish, sliced carrots, bamboo shoots, chinese mushrooms and dried shrimp cooked for hours until soft and the gravy rich and full-bodied
- Pan-roasted peanuts crushed into crunchy bits to be rained upon the fillings later
- Scrambled eggs and pan-fried cubes of tau-kwa
- Shavings of cold, fresh cucumber, carrot and radish slivers
- Blanched peeled tau-gay
- the Chilli Sauce (home-blended chilli with garlic, ginger and lime juice)
- Stir-fried coconut shavings
- Toppings: coriander, diced garlic and sweet sauce

Add all these onto a crisp lettuce laid on the best thinnest, most pliable, chewy popiah skin ever and roll it up like a spring roll. Now each individual item may not look like much, but when you add them all up, you get an explosion of flavours, literally. Sometimes, our popiahs are made so bursting that one bite and the whole thing breaks apart and juice squirts everywhere. Thus, I've developed popiah creating and wrapping strategies to create a compact, tight popiah that will hold well together without skimping on filling. Also, if you go heavy on the peanuts, sweet sauce, coconut shavings and coriander. You'll have an award-winning experience.


Now I feel like eating popiah.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

I am just waiting.


To go the USA now.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

A list. Because I am not in the mood for thinking.

1. Played softball today. 4 matches in a muddy field. Won all four. I am constantly amazed at the guys.
2. I need to be less afraid of dirt. But at least, I'm hitting better now.
3. My knees hurt, there are cuts everywhere. My sacrifice. Haha.
4. In 2 weeks, I've got to run about school for some event. Better start training.
5. So many of us are turning 21. So many of us are leaving on a jet plane to somewhere.
6. I'm glad we decided to do crazy things on a whim. Glad for Thursday night.
7. I'm tired of trying. I'm not going to. Some things should go and fuck itself.



8. I feel better after softball. I always do. Unless I played really sucky then I'll be down. But this time, I feel better.


Better is good aye? Just trying to ignore the scratchy throat.

Friday, September 05, 2008

"Because you were made for other things than this."



Remember.

Monday, September 01, 2008