Saturday, August 30, 2008

Today, after R's birthday.

I was on a bus, and as it lurged forward... I spied upon the ground a mob of rolling dark blue marbles. Upon closer scrutiny, I realised they were frosty blueberries that had somehow slipped out of their packaging and escaped onto the floor below. And they were, merrily rolling about with the pitch of the bus.


What freedom.

"Title and registration"

The glove compartment is inaccurately named
And everybody knows it.
So i'm proposing a swift orderly change.

Cause behind its door there's nothing to keep my fingers warm
And all i find are souvenirs from better times
Before the gleam of your taillights fading east
To find yourself a better life.

I was searching for some legal document
As the rain beat down on the hood
When i stumbled upon pictures i tried to forget
And that's how this idea was drilled into my head

Cause it's too important
To stay the way it's been

There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all
And here i rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night

----- Death Cab for Cutie


School has started. The old routine has returned. Everyday a rush of classes, work, ccas, people I don't really know. Puts me in a dour mood.

It just dawned upon me what a double-edged sword people can be, in our lives. On one hand, I am eternally thankful for the few number in my life whom I can speak honestly to. Whom I don't have to worry about putting up the niceties. Whom I know I can speak my mind and it wouldn't make them frown. Who value my honesty more than my optimism.

Life gets colder as you're older. So you put on more layers to keep warm. But most times you're stiff cos you're frigid from the harsh external elements. When all you want is to be embraced by womb-like warmth. And so you develop a thick skin, you adapt to suit the environment. Shrug it off, nothing out of the ordinary. All part of the inanity of life.

Grit your teeth and tell yourself that there is nothing that could stand between you and achievement. That fruits of your labour will be yours when you push hard enough. And yes you know you could get there if you want it badly enough. But first you must find your hunger.

And so I'm going to do some soul-searching in the next 2 years. After my exchange, I'm going to defer school and work for a 6-months internship (hopefully), and maybe spend another summer working and travelling. Then hopefully, then, I'll find what I'm searching for. End this limbo. I'm not going to jump right into career life unless I know what I truly want at the end of it all.

Because there have been too many instances when I find myself chasing tails of things I do not even know, and come out worse of it. I want to see the face of what it is I really want before I lunge at it. No more blindspots and being pulled about the leash. Youth is wasted on the young, I've heard that many times. And I don't want to become a cliche. No more wasting time on dead-ends and blank walls and false roads.

---------

You remind me of an old friend. All too familiar. But I've grown deeply adverse. Something happened back then, something clicked and now everything's different. It's not the same anymore, it's not unlike the others. I know something deep has shifted, why so?, I don't know. I've been searching too long for that answer, and since it eludes me, I'm not going to bother anymore.

I'm pretty sure we'd be good friends, heck we're already headed that direction. But I'm not taking any chances, I'm going to keep you at arm's length. That's for sure. No more dopplegangers and tricksters of my head. One more of these and I'll crumble finally. I'm not as strong as I think I am.

Suck it up? I'm trying my best. But truth be told, I have never felt more afraid in my life. And I wish I'd hit the ground sooner. But the freefall doesn't seem like it's going to end. And with all my might, effort and logic, have I tried willing myself to a foundation, a ground beneath the feet. But of cos, it's foolhardy to think you can control everything just becos you have control over some things.

I wish I could apologise. To my ghosts from the past. Really I do. I feel bad enough about it already. But the tongue was cut a long while ago already. If you asked me, honestly, I have nothing to say. When I picture it, how I could say, nothing but pitch black emptiness comes to mind. Vacumn.

Is it because there's too many things going on within? Or too little? But I doubt it's any of these. I can't even form thoughts already, cannot even imagine or type out what I would say. Maybe some things are better left undisturbed and the subconscious knows better than to stir old shit. It's a complete fog. And trying to clear it seems like a task too overwhelming. And I'm tired. Somehow I think that's its purpose. It's to be left untouched. Cos I could form more words describing my inability at comprehending and relating, then actually fleshing it out and understanding it.

There are times I feel vengeful. When there is no reason to. What audacity I have! How dare you even feel that way! There are times of meaningless, misplaced anger. The more your innocence, the more I hate. Because. Precisely because. Give me a bone to chew on, give me a fight to pick. But there's nothing at all. Which makes everything all the more unexplainable and inexplicable. Why. What's going on really. I don't get it. All those years of academic training, of logic and reasoning, I can solve a million questions... but myself.


Yi ng says I could do it if I wanted to. Clear the fog. Face your fear. Be a better person to others. But something just doesn't feel right, now. In fact, things haven't felt right for the longest time. Everything feels wrong.





God, will You come to me please?



Because the waters come unasked and my eyes are traitors. And to smile seems sinful. And the questions are getting tougher and the stares more narrow. And talk and literature are getting quite intolerable. And I've never feared like this. Never.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Best naan ever.

Speaking of which, I really REALLY wanna eat some naan now. Naan with tons of curry dip. Mmmm.


Ho-hum. I am 21. What people usually do when they turn 21 is write some whole list of great and fantastic future opportunities and aspirations for the future that they have, or they might go nostalgic and reminisce about a good 20 years of life so far.

Me? Shit. Now life is getting more serious.


I now have... responsibilities. And I'm starting to grow... old.


EEEEEEEE.



*I don't age very well*

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Lately, I've had a conversation with an atheist and another conversation with a brother struggling with the idea of God.


And now I'm reading this book called "The Reason for God", which is an intellectual case for the existence of the Christian God.

Which is so totally my kind of book, because logic and reasoning appeals to me. Basically it deals with some of Christianity's most difficult questions such as

1. The problematic idea of sin
2. The ludicrous existence of a supposedly loving yet judgemental God
3. The unfairness of hell
4. Science disproves religion
5. Evolution vs science
6. There can't be only one religion
7. Religion is a social/cultural construct

etc etc.


Actually, I wanted to pen down my thoughts about this issue. But somehow, the right words fail me and I sound like some bible-thumping Christian. Which would really defeat the purpose of reading the book and being a witness to Christ. So, I shall save my words and thoughts instead. Maybe if you asked me about it, I would share. Heheh.

But now, I do have a lot of intellectual and logical reasons for the belief in a Christian God. And a lot of practical ones as well. Other Christian books give very romanticised, airy-fairy, flowery arguements about God that appeals to emotion, culture etc etc. But these things don't really convince me. I want to know that God is real and although I can't say for sure that He is real. There are now strong signs that He's out there somewhere.

After this, I'm probably going to read Richard Daw kin's "The God Delusion", just to give myself a more balanced perspective (reading the for and against camps for God). I heard that Christians who aren't very strong or clear in their faith shouldn't read it, because they might find themselves renouncing the religion after that.


Well, we'll see about that!


If I can read the most well-known intellectual critic of God and still believe in Him. Then perhaps I can truly call this my faith.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Don't you just dislike the way people assume certain things about you? You don't need to say I can already see it in your eyes, your body language.


No wonder I don't tell people what I really think anymore.



I don't need to explain myself.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Stop believing.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

A meme today.


She whose intellectual capacity holds a universe of potential night-time musings.

She whose mind is as tough as nails, her muscles the solid rock of symbolism.

She whose vision contains no peripherals and there is only one path ahead.

She whose life so far was carved out of bare hands, who cannot fanthom the deviance of others.

She who holds men her equal, sometimes lesser, but in so doing, have never felt the warmth of one.

She whose stare is blinding and gaze so true, you couldn't fault her for believing. Precious. Chosen.

She whose fruits grow in abundance and talents span the oceans.

She whose touch turned things into her gold. Hers.

She whose thirst is never quenched, hunger never satisfied. Relentlessly non-committal.

She whose entire belief system is built on value. Runs her life on the fuel of worth.

She who can drop yous like flies in a split revision. Substitutes for....

She whose friend you can easily be, confidante wait for eternity. She who is discerning.

She whose nose turns up at the slightest condescension by older, 'wiser' people. She who has reason to be ageist.

She whose look represents the new-age in academic -isms. She who is both purist and elitist.

She whose empathy is so numb she doesn't care what you think.

She whose blood seeks a shot of adrenaline, the next fix, the next drug, the next hit, the next experience.

She who is home to two persons. Her night and day.

She who has been christened God's Promise.

Friday, August 08, 2008

You know one of the things I hate most . (There's quite a lot lately)

Is when people flash a mirror into your face.

Another thing, would be the talk of 'gurantees'. Well, life holds no gurantees for you and me. I could disappear tomorrow, and it would not be an altogether abnormal thing. Just part of the bigger picture of unbalanced scales and plots wrangled.

Movie are a bad bad idea. They teach and propagate idealism. When rationality is a sane-r tool in society.


And hope, is just another Matrix to alter your reality.

--------

Some of those they call 'wiser', might chortle and snort and haughtily declare... with their seniority-earned hubris: that by my youth, I should think otherwise.

Oh, is that true? Is the young not entitled to despair as well. Must I drug myself till your age, before I become numb to it and see things for the way they really are. I don't wish to make your mistakes. My days aren't guranteed. People don't understand why I hold on so tightly to this youth, to this present. I do not wish to waste it, with my eyes glued to a movie screen with smiley stories played on repeat. I don't live for fantasies. No, I don't wish to be fooled.

Some of those they call 'stronger', might chortle and snort and haughtily declare... with their liberty-earned hubris: that by my choice, I should think otherwise.

Oh, is that true? Was it ever a matter of choice. And to post such a question unto me is laughable. Have I not moved mini-mountains of my own through sheer will. Have I not exercised choice backed by strength in all these instances. People standing by the road, watching the stoned pedastrian get smashed by a car... cannot understand the reasons for his inertia. Smart people battle the most retarded of mental problems. And you say, it is just a simple matter of choice. Well, don't you know? We are moved by greater forces than our intellect.

But deep down, it is made all the harder. Because of what you've done, who you are, that this stain upon your star is so much more jarring. So much more.. obvious and offensive to look at. That you, the Michaelangelo of clay, find your own image ruined. And all the powers that be won't make it go away. How, in burgeoning hours of epiphany, enlarge like a lion in your heart. But in the face of the devil, you sell your soul away again. Over and over. A dog with her tail between her legs. And you, you who dare to cry out to your God. But when He tests you, you fail Him again and again.

You, whom on Thursday night, found some of the readings ... a little hard to take. A little too peachy and haha for you. The only thing that connected, was the I-don't-give-a-fuck part. But look around you and you see, that people still very much... gives a fuck. Everything is in the order of the deepest most basic social requirement. Until the day we break free from it and tomatoes won't be hurled at that dissident on stage. Then truly, do we not-give-a-fuck. But I know, if I were to show what it means to truly not-give-a-fuck, there will be no thank yous or applause or nice chatty-mingling post reading. Sorry, but the oldest habits are hard to break, and one of them is to please the crowd. And I'm not convinced, it will happen. People, no matter what, always give a fuck.

At midnight. A poetry book opened, and the lines dribble down the page onto your gaze. You can see where the author is coming from, but find the material mildly offensive. It's just another kind of 'movie', these words.

Movies, we watch them all the time. Painted images to keep us going. But I'm tired of being in the cinema.

Knowing that to cut off the arm that is frostbitten is to lose some part of you forever. But if you don't, it'll drag you down like quicksand. Either way, it ends in a full stop. So you either choose the slow poison or the quick dagger. And I intend to at least last...



I hate mirrors.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

The past few days I've been really busy. Have been engaged in a project for the school with an actual real-life client. I will be getting paid good money (relative to effort) for the work I put in. Plus I've just gotten my first assignment as a freelance artist. Heheh, how cool.

And all of a sudden, I am holding three jobs during the gay pride month in Singapor e. But tonight I am free. It is past 8pm, and I'm already at home, without any work on my hands. Without anything to rush or anything to attend.

And you know what? That's the most fucking scary thing.


Because whenever my mind is 'mildly' free. I have to face this ghost.




FUCK THIS SHIT. Seriously.



FARRRRRRRRRRKKKKKKKKK

Monday, August 04, 2008

Life is a race on a road. Most of us are one-track minded when it comes to this. We run in a straight line, thinking no more no less, doing the seemingly natural thing, the first thing that comes to mind, the impulse. And so we run blindly in that strictly linear fashion, urged by nature, by what everyone else is doing anyway.

But there are potholes on the ground. All over the straight path we set for ourselves too. And we, dumbly, trip ourselves up over those potholes cos we have too much inertia. We don't know how to switch directions, we find it hard to change paths away from the straight line.

No more straight lines for me. No more acting on nature. If I spy a pothole in the horizon, I'd do all in my powers to tear myself from that straight line. Go against nature, fight that knee-jerk reaction, and power away from that pothole through sheer will. Yeap, I'm going to avoid yous, the black holes.

No more crashing in my face, faltering in this race. I'm going to jump sideways and hit the ground running. Nothing to stop me.



*Bunker down. We're in it for a long ride*

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Let's see how long I can keep this up. Stats are dwindling.



Cool =)

Friday, August 01, 2008

One man's food is another man's poison. I know what's mine.

Mine is wrapped in paper so fine it astounds and tempts. But I know there's nothing but rot and decay within. And it has brought me to my knees so many times. Stripped this might of her dignity, of her worth. Left her a lesser person than who she is.

No more. You will be my calvary no longer, you the vile thing in me, you who resides in everyone else and is nothing but popular falsehood, you, in which there is no fate in a 'we'. You who have turned me inside out and erupted ugliness from your fruit. You who was never good. I will deny you. No more will I bear your yoke, your chains, no more will I call you master.



So go from me Satan, for I will deny you till the ends of the earth.



And in His freedom, I will live. For you're nothing but a temptation of the world, and you, deservedly, will become nothing to me.