Friday, April 25, 2008

Went to As tons' today with C. Over juicy beef steaks, gossiped over the current squeezes. Found out some really eyebrow-raising stories.

How quickly we lose our innocence.

And in the midst of it all, I still feel young. Metaphorically. Not worldly-wise as one who has seen things, lost the illusions of purity and accepted typical situations with calmness. Seems that all it takes is a few weeks, and things could change so drastically. Change your whole outlook, your whole... worldview.

Should I treasure the fact that I have not yet... lost it all? That there's still a part of me (as there is still a part of her) that believes in the dreams and idealism of youth. And is it foolhardy after all, to cling to such pipe dreams. Or should we all shuffle back into the plebeian crowd and let the tide take us, instead of going against the currents.

There is, however, some unexplainable, irrational pride, in holding onto the original state. I don't know why. Call us old-fashioned. Say that our heads are in the clouds. But like J said, you lose a part of you that you can't get back, once you cross the line.

Does it matter really, that I still live amongst the dreams of youth. Is it all that bad. And maybe, it's better after all. Because the last thing you would want...

is to settle.



For mediocrity.



*And we all know. That each of us, is made for better things than this*





God has a plan for me. And I will walk blind (to the world), with arms outspread. He will give me my reckoning. Because, truly, that is the only thing one can do.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

The actual image of my computer game cover








The spoof image

Cute or not cute!!!!!


*foams at mouth*

I made scallop pasta twice in three days. Reason being, I needed to polish off the scallops at home before my family flies the coop for seven days in Japan. And also, use up the expensive fragrant garlic. It's a special kind of garlic that has only one clove within the bulb. Normal garlic contains many segments of cloves within the bulb, but this one is just one spherical huge clove. Kind of like an onion.

Anyways, I like to chop.

So my favourite part of cooking anything is the chopping. I like to chop anything, dice, slice, square, peel, mince, pound, skewer, do anything with a sharp object. So today I chopped copious amounts of garlic and big onions. And then proceeded to dice them into really tiny cubes so as to prolong the chopping. Then I de-seeded green olives that have been steeped in brine. All that took an hour and my fingers were frozen and clawed onto the knife. Cramped. But! Fun =D

Actually I really like to chop meat. Slice fillets, debone chicken thighs or fillet fish and remove the guts... It's all damn fun to me. The best thing is to be able to cut a whole chicken and skin it. There's so many things to do and so many weird segments that the cutting styles are varied. I'm amazed I haven't lobbed off a finger yet. The only time I got close to hurting myself with a knife is when I tried (stupidly) to cut an eggshell with a knife. The blade landed on my nail which chipped. Phew! I really want to learn how to debone and fillet properly. Like how do you butterfly a chicken thigh, do a proper fish fillet, carve pork or beef from the original hulk of meat. I also want to learn how to sculpt art pieces from vegetables and fruit. Actually, I want to go to cooking school!...

After the chopping of raw ingredients is done, and the scallops are thawed; the next therapeutic part would be the actual cooking. Pour in some olive oil, wait for it to get hot by seeing if the surface of the oil shimmers. Then add in those teeny tiny cubes of yellow and white stuff, let it sizzle for awhile. Stir it all around the pan for even heating, try to coat all the little cubes evenly with the oil. Watch it grow translucent and inhale the steamy vapours. Watch the raw products transform into something else...

Isn't it amazing really?

Dump in the scallops (along with the melted ice water that thawed out), and as the scallops cook, they shrink to one third of their original size. Sometimes smaller. The scallops weep out their moisture when cooking, hence the decrease in dimensions. When the dish was finally done, I even discovered a scallop the size of one of the tiny cubes.

Yesterday I went for some golf clinic. Not too bad not too bad.

Hitting a good ball is fun! Especially one hit straight up, high and far down the fairway.

The only thing was that at the start, I flung a golf club 20 meters out from the driving range during a swing. That was quite hilarious. To see it cartwheel through the air and land on the green.

Never knew hitting golf balls could be such a sweathouse. There's so much tension that you sweat more from the suspense than the actual physical exertion. But at least, its quite satisfying to whack something.


Almost as good as whacking a human head!

---------


I think next sem I'll follow one of the softballer boys to the driving range and hit for free before training. And join squash so I can get my squash fix too.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Post-exams, I decided to plunge myself into debauchery. Starting with making a beeline straight to Funan right after my M A paper to splurge on a $60 computer game. I reasoned that SM U is paying for it anyway, so it's within the means to spend.

For the next 2 days after exams, I indulged in the sin of gluttony 'just to celebrate'. [Of cos, I did assauge the guilt by doing interval training furiously for two days to make space for more fats]. The first day consisted of a sisterly bonding trip to Ma cs, where I tried the mcgridles. It wasn't very nice. Then we proceeeded to buy waffles and later a long john silver's prawn combo platter. Yes. Two fast food outlets within an hour. I was reeling with post exam recklessness. The 2nd day, I made ramen for myself. Lately, me and sis have been addicted to this brand of japanese instant noodles. First was u-dong, now it's ramen.

It was during the first day, that we bought some cheap books. One of which was about the evolution of dining from the greco-roman period until the victorian dining of the 19th century. It's appropriately titled, "Feast"! I'm one third through the book, and it's actually quite fascinating. So, it got me wondering about the topic of food. Not so much the pleasures it brings, but rather the role it plays in our lives.

Have you ever noticed, that everytime you get invited out by a friend, or at any gathering... food is the central activity and theme?

"Let's go for dinner at vivocity tonight!"
"Coffee and chill?"
"We're having a potluck/dinner/bbq party!"

Either way, any social activity we engage in, seems to be dominated by the act of eating. It seems that food goes beyond sustaining a person, it's also crucial to the development and maintenance of relationships. Ever wondered why?? So I thought... if I want to go out with a friend a.k.a. maintain and build upon the friendship, why do we choose to eat/drink? Since the direct and primary act of connecting with people is through communication. All I need is my mouth and my friend and we'll be able to bond ain't it? Since all that I need to do is talk, why bring food into the picture? Then imagine this... you ask a friend out. And you do nothing, but sit on chairs facing each other directly. And you're supposed to start talking and bonding. Rather odd and quite impossible in reality right?

Firstly, because to deal with someone directly and requiring your complete attention, can be daunting. The acute presence of another person can be overpowering and one might feel an intrusion into personal space. As though.... one was suddenly exposed, with nowhere to hide. Secondly and more importantly, it seems that relationships don't just build up themselves. They must have a platform, some kind of premise to work upon. Some mutual, communal activity done together by both parties, and in so doing, the side-chatter and secondary talk is what bonds people. That's why the best and longest-lasting friendships are those that were formed through church, school, sports teams, and maybe work. Because we all have this mutual activity that binds us.

Why do we need 'an activity', or a platform to build relationships on? Maybe because these activities serve as a distraction. When we're distracted, we're desensitised to the overpowering presence of another person. And more conveniently, we can always use the distraction as an 'excuse' to engage in something else if we have nothing to say to connect with the person. Or, we can use the distraction itself to engage the other person if all other topics fail.

Even with these activities, food still comes into the picture! Sports team [at least my softball one] bonds by having dinner after training. My cell-mates at church, we bond over dinner and at wine bars. So ....why food? How about asking my friend out to a game of sports? Or... a movie Or watch a play? Or go to a jazz bar? Or go clubbing? True, we do all these things with our friends. But yet, food remains the number #1 choice for activity.

Why? Because, I think, food is the commonest denominator. Everyone is interested in food [with the exception of Em, my friend, who once said that she doesn't mind any kind of food as long as it fills her stomache. Which means she doesn't mind trashy food and which I was appalled by the thought]. But not everyone is interested in movies, or plays or certain kinds of music or whatever other communal activity there is. So food is the easiest option, and usually brings alot of joy in the process as well.

Therefore, to a person who loves cooking and the art of food... It is more than just the rudimentary pleasure that one gains from creating food. But one is also upholding the tradition that binds people together, by perpetuating and supporting the culture of dining. Because without restaurants and gourmands and chefs to prepare the food, where would the basis of human interaction come from??

Therefore, aren't I noble?


LOLS.



*el sa is sick with flu and craving to cook scallops in white wine and garlic sauce*

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Something I've learnt.


And for that, I have to thank M for being cruel to me.

Not worth it.

Nice song!








"I can't get it back, but
I don't want it back, I
Realized that,

Please don't worry bout me I'm fine
Only gonna play the fool one time
Trust me when I say
That I'll be OK
Go on girl"

------- ne-yo "Go on girl"

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

I'm damn upset.

Kenna another internship rejection again. The count is 5 so far. Like... wtf??? I don't get it! What went wrong? Is there something seriously wrong with my CV that I don't even get to interview stage? Like huh???


Whyy?????????????

Monday, April 14, 2008

Tomorrow, I have my finance and ethi cs exams coming up. So the past 2 days, I've been mugging those subjects and hence, my frame of mind is currently swimming in very philosophical and yet practical povs. And I've been applying those frameworks to a peculiar issue.

Let me start with a preamble:

It all started with a comment on an online forum by someone who doesn't believe in friendship before love. She believes, that when you meet someone you like, you must start on a dating/romantic-intentions platform with them. Ascribing to the notion that romantic relationships are best built on the foundations of friendship is rubbish. Hmm. In real life, there is evidence for and against this belief. I have a gay guy friend, who met his current love through an online personal. They started as dates, and four years later, they are still going strong. So much for needing friendship to cement an emotional attraction beyond the physical. But of cos, there are more than enough real-life examples of successful relationships that start out as friendships. So what's the conclusion then? Both methods work??

Here's another quagmire. We believe that to be a third-party in a relationship and cause break-ups due to selfish interest is morally wrong. So people take the moral highground and chatise those who cause break-ups and proclaim that anything that comes out of such actions would be bad. Really? I have a friend whose previous relationship was on the rocks at one point of time. Enter third-party girl who offered her a sympathetic ear. Of cos, Ms third party had more than just platonic intentions. And unsurprisingly, my friend broke up with her ex and got together with third party, very quickly. Bad premise for a start to a relationship. Morally-questionable, no doubt. But results-wise? Highly succesfuly. They've been together for more than a year, and things look pretty rosy now. Of cos, for some, doing the 'unethical' thing has led to disastrous consequences. For others, it seems the end-point was all that mattered, and the end-point was actually worth the so-called 'wrong deed'. So who's right and who's wrong? And more importantly, does rightness matter when happiness is concerned?

Then let's consider another quirk. For some people, their modus operandi when it comes to love is to be active. In other words, they give chase. Sometimes they hit the target, sometimes not. When it comes to how or why they managed to hit the target, there seems to be no reason. Looks, material wealth, character, all very flimsy reasons we attribute to success. But there's no set formula it seems. Maybe there isn't a formula at all. For others, their modus operandi is to sit back and wait patiently with hands clasped on their laps like some victorian 19th century lady. Without action, love sometimes comes (without reason), and sometimes, (predictably) it doesn't come!

And the curious thing is, of all this permutations and possible 'strategies', some might work for others, some might not work for others. Even more curiously, some might work at one point in time of a person's life, then turn out to be useless methods in different points.

Therefore, we come to the conclusion that love is pure randomness. It begins, ends and flourishes without reason or cause in people's lives. Your choice of action, mindsets or personal attributes, may or may not affect the outcome. Actually, I think it's pretty much a given. Whatever you think, do, or have. Has zero effect.

So if love is pure randomness, and one cannot predictably dictate or chart its potential for creation. Then one is better left not disturbing the issue, isn't it?

But. But.

It's not that simple. Before love can occur, comes attraction. And attraction is different because attraction can in some ways be defined into a formula, albeit a rough one. There are certain universal aspects about people that can cause attraction in one another. For example, physical attributes, personality, character traits or like-mindedness (in beliefs or hobbies) that will lead to attraction. So one can sufficiently estimate the likelihood of attraction and types of people they will be attracted to. Hence, unlike love, attraction can be predicted.

When attraction occurs, therein lies a problem. Attraction, leads to desire, and desire tends to compel people to act towards it. Thus, people are likely to expend effort to acquire the object of desire. These efforts can be external, such as active or subtle pursuit. Or it could be involuntary, and internal, i.e. thoughts of and pondering over the desire. Either way, effort is expensed.

With this, we now consider how love is created. There are two parties. In any exchange, one party must be the initiator, and the other, the recipient. Mutuality rarely occurs (that is a pipe dream my friend). Even if it does, one party realises it first before the other and thus becomes the initiator. Either way, someone must first express the desire. So one party pursues, the other party.... accepts (or not), the invitation to love. Thus, in this manner, the pursuing party loses because he expends energy to gain. Whereas the winning party is the recipient, who expended nothing to gain. Therefore, in any love situation, there will be winners and losers, making this a zero-sum game.

So, as a logician, you now have two options.

A) Avoid instances whereby you will be compelled to act on attractions i.e. invest your efforts. To do so, would require you to avoid the potential of attraction such as avoiding situations or people that might lead to undesirable consequences. Thus, you safeguard yourself from acting in ways that you cannot control. Therefore, you choose the passive route. And in so doing, limit your losses by not expending energy and hope for... I don't know, a lottery ticket to love. In this case, you make sure that you 'win' everytime as the recipient.

B) You choose to pursue. Unsatisfied with waiting for some unconfirmed lottery ticket, you'd rather take your chances and expend energy in hopes of gaining love. Sure, you would lose some, but you stand to gain. And on your own terms as well.

So now, let's explore the feasibility and merit of both options:

A) By utilitarianism, let us consider a hypothetical situation. If everyone acted as stated and became 'passives', love and relationships will never be created because an initiator is always required! Therefore, the net result is everyone loses when they try to hoard their energy and protect their own interests by foregoing risk.

That leaves us with option B) then. Only, when some people choose to undertake B) will love be created in this world.

But!

In financial terms, one's risks should always be commensurate to one's returns in any investment. Therefore, it is only natural to expect that one's invested efforts in love would reap the required return, or at least promise some certainty of return. However, since love is pure randomness, this cannot be achieved, and risks will never be commensurate to return. Rather, things are quite imbalanced as risks are more often than not, higher than returns. And just like speculation, you stand to lose quite alot.

Therefore, knowing that hypothetical situations are just that -- hypothetical, and that there will always be people who choose B). Why why why? As an individual... would you not choose A)?

So, if an individual were to choose A) [which is pretty much similar to the notion that "I will not pursue/search for love"]. Would it be feasible?

Perhaps not. We could try our mighty best to avoid, or not think. But predictions and estimates of attraction only give some certainty and does not gurantee complete prevention of attraction. You might like someone, for some unknown reason you never discovered about yourself before, and consequently, fall into the trap of attraction-equals-expense-of-effort. One might even try to deny attraction when it occurs. But let's not fall into the fallacious belief that as sentient beings, we actually have autonomy over our emotions and feelings. Rubbish. Thoughts assail us randomly and without provocation. Once you're attracted, it's like a death sentence. Good luck trying to eradicate it. Many people have proposed various methods. But like I mentioned, in the game of love, many things are random and what works for them, might not work for you.

Thus, attraction cannot be avoided forever. Someone, somewhere, in some future time, will arrive to fuck up your peaceful life.

So if A) cannot be practically achieved and B) is not a satisfactory or even fair, means to an end - love. Then what goes?



What's option C)??



*I think I've just proven that I'm highly prepared for tomorrow's tests. On hindsight, I should have studied Law.*

For a moment I nearly had a HEART ATTACK.

Jeez, this is bad. Bad bad bad.... I need to learn how to ... tune out.

Not care.




Stop! stop! stop!!!

*looks at self angrily. Disappointed.*

I think...

Even though the signs tell me otherwise, the results all paint another story, the failings imply a certain something, the recurring trend is evident...

I still believe in myself. That there was never a question of not being worthy enough. Or good enough.

You could see this as arrogance if you wish, or hubris, or whatever. But like what my junior said, he knows it's just self-belief.

So the world could say a different thing, or scenarios could go against this grain... but you know what? It ain't shaking the core. I still know.

I'm as good as you.




Wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy better =) For one is sure, that she will get the A+ if she ballots successfully.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

To all who have turned 21 this week, a big beeeeg happy birthday!!! =D May we stay young forever. Haha...

-----------


Last night was fun. Went for the anniversary party, and won the 'baby dyke' award. Got myself a large milk bottle case filled with many mini milk bottles filled with sugary treats. Really cute. I like hugging it.

About 3 or 4 people kept asking me the exact same question. Don't know why. But either way, it's a depressing question. One I don't really have an answer to. Especially when it comes to 'Why?".

We went to this nice little queer bar later, tucked in a corner of Little India, and talked the night away.

Later, I was really really glad I drove NYS home. He told me something that could only be described as a 'dream-come-true' kind of news. It was so awesome and so.... impossible.... I was floored. And so utterly cool as well. Now, I have a favour to ask of him this coming Monday.

I can't believe. Still can't believe. It's the exact same reaction I have, the morning after Mo s. These things only exist in dreams.

Truly. The only piece of good news after all the gloom so far.

Friday, April 11, 2008

I just thought of a cool 21st birthday idea.

1) Get a cake

2) Stuff the cake with 21 candles.

3) How do you light up all 21 candles you may ask? It will be tedious

4) Use a flame torch. I'll light it up myself using a flame torch



Haha, that would be cool.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Got this really sick feeling to the stomache today. Goodness. That was so not fun.

May it not happen again. Yikes!

A metaphor today.


Gladiator.

Forced by circumstances, by poverty, by injustice. Thrust into the arena to fight for your life. This is the life that you know. You're a gladiator. You spent the light training and striving for the next battle. You fill your stomache to nourish and build yourself up. And in between the gloom and the sunlight, there is the intermittent waiting. Waiting to be forced once more into the arena against your will. To fight a battle you'd rather hide from. And before each clash you clasp your hands and pray, that you will not die this time. And that the gods are benevolent and looks upon you favourably today.

As the years go by and battles lived, you're a formidable force to be reckoned with. The Emperor, always pardons you from death because of your valour, for the courage you displayed in the field in fighting for your life. And everytime his thumb turns skywards, you breathe a sigh of relief, and know this time you will live.

The years have cast shadows under your eyes, your skin burnt from the cruelty of the sun, the scars on your back, badges of survival from past battles. And your muscles tough from flexing, your touch, numb to pain. Wounds -- are de rigeur.

But you still live.

And each day, as you are forced once more into the arena, there doesn't seem to be any reprieve from winning. Winning doesn't gain you freedom, it only gains you pardon from death by the lions, and survival for future battles.

It has always, always been. A zero-sum game.

Your opponents may die, or live. But someone always loses. Most of the time, victory has no meaning. And in your weariness, all you yearn for is to lay down your arms and rest. Rest this tired body which has toiled against it's will. Rest and no longer be a puppet for entertainment.

To lay down your arms at the start of a battle, to surrender to death. Seems such a sweet thought. No more struggling, for there is no meaning. No end.

Maybe death is the real victory. Therein lies your glory. What are you waiting for? Take it.

You can end it today. Although the warrior charging at you instinctively pumps fear into your heart, even though death is so terrifyingly final. Even though the crowd cheers and screams your name, supporting you. Oh what fat, complacent, distant onlookers, who know not the trials of battle, who know not the years you've fought. Who can only see the moment and the exciting optimism, gleaming in their eyes. Who knows not your weariness. What matter such applause? You know you'd never want to go back to your prison cell again, you'd never want to clash with another warrior again.

You know that the only way to stop being a gladiator. Is to stop fighting. And in so stopping, give up your life.


Resignation -- That's the only way.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Happy times

The guys think I'm mad.

Y ing thinks I've got guts.

I think, now, it was all pointless.



And 2@#*&(!@#@$!!! gmail is screwing up all the time. URGH!

Monday, April 07, 2008

*click*





I like

Saturday, April 05, 2008

I don't know how to deal with large gaps of time. Gaping holes of nothing to do. Actually, there's a lot to study. But the brain tells me I'll forget everything in a jiffy and thus should withhold studying till a more appropriate time.

Meanwhile, I have a whole entire saturday to get over. Funny how I didn't really cherish the moments. Was just waiting for the day to pass, semi-studying (okay okay I conceded), semi-sitting upright in wonderment, semi-lying in bed trying to slumber, semi-reading a book trying to escape self.

It's a bad bad idea to have too much free time. Becos with free time comes thoughts, just as how the night brings thoughts that terrifies you to death. And you awoke this morning still remembering the horror of last night. High-blood pressure is a-building, you can feel the chest contracting. It's scary to visit a certain corner of the net, where all your junk has been deposited. Junk you'd rather not acknowledge.

The gay boys are out painting the town red tonight. I don't feel like joining. There are many parties next weekend, although oddly, they fail to cheer. And it's not because it's close to exams. Since when have I compromised the social life for school? Rarely. I'd just have to study smart-er with lesser time.

Trawled the house for things to do. Pondered the prospect of youtube-surfing. But abhorred the constant time spent in front of computer (like now - guilty as charged). There has to be things done beyond the electronic. Considered squash. Picked up my racquet and the handle was coming off in black furry bits. Eee. I don't own a squash ball anyway. Considered interval training on the treadmill as usual, but the body still aches from unfamiliar softball yesterday. Sports don't seem to work these days anyway. Fitness is improved from the new home methods, but the intangibles have not. So much for endorphin-producing, I'm back in the pits right after.

Was seized with the desire to install an old but much beloved computer game again. Got all worked up and hyped for a moment, couldn't find it, so replaced with a substitute. Substitute failed to install cos it was too old and wouldn't work on our current computers. Stoned abit and acknowledged that replaying computer games is a waste of time.

Thought of drawing or cooking something new. Laziness got in the way. There's something about the breeziness and cool-pre-rain weather of today that makes you lie in bed. Perpetually. I napped thrice today.

Sayo ni anniversary party next Saturday. Going to Japan in three weeks. Ho-humm. There's gotta be something in life to look foward to.

F inishing (lame) touch twice next week. Grrr... Irritation creeps up. Mon and dad ain't home. Watched maid go about her duties for awhile. To watch is incredibly depressing, pries eyes away and tries not to imagine self in such a situation. Should be grateful, but is shocked to find I ain't. Or can't seem to feel grateful now.

Hmm. Runs through a list of faces in my head. Not sure who is correct. Or appropriate.

Hmm mommy has just came home. Runs out to greet her.


------

The most positive thing I can say now? Have been creating wonderful prose in my head. Quite carthatic.

To be "Godly" -in the sense of success-

is more worthless than money is worthless.

So what is worthy then?

I wish to discuss girls with somebody.

It is a topic that will never end in the foreseeable future.

Friday, April 04, 2008

Today was the last day of school.

It's incredibly depressing because of the fact that there will be no more school for this semester. And what makes it even more bittersweet was that the last two days were just freakin' awesome.

Thursday - carthatic showdown with a fellow T A. I came this close to naming the actual person I was slamming, but of cos everyone knew who it was. Cue appreciative applause from attacked group. Cue even more importantly, sudden interest by the uber-cute yet uber-aloof JC student. Her friend asked if I was from Cre scent. And I asked why, then her friend said, "Cos she asked". She meaning uber-cutie who embarrasingly acknowledged. So then I addressed cutie directly and said I'm from sc gs instead. And cutie said, oh! I think sc gs is the best. I don't like nanyang, don't like rg, don't like m g especially, but I think s c is the best!

After relating all these to ying. Yi ng thinks she's hitting on me cos a) she's from cres herself, b) she came up to speak to me. Personally, I think this might be a wee bit too hopeful a prospect and quite unlikely. But but!!! I conveniently forgot the fact that cutie is from this major lesbian scho ol and she's in their soccer team. Like. How more gay can you get? Plus she exudes enough masculinity and aloof-ness to be cool. Too cool to like boys maybe haha.

Maybe I should have gotten the number. But that would totally be inappropriate. Tsk tsk. Ying says I have a taste for younger girls. Yeap. I like them fresh. Haha, you think they are meat ah? says ying. Err... Can I say "Yes?" *Nods head vigorously*

Friday - my last day in my favourite module of the semester. Also my last day to leer at small, cute, short-haired, sweet-looking, innocent-to-be-ravaged mousy girl. Very precious moments, encompassing very precious thoughts in my head.

Couldn't wait to showcase our group presentation also, which I think rocks.

Gave the presentation, fielded questions (one coming from class cutie and thus gave me a legit reason to look at her. Ooh thank you =D ), argued and rebutted, and after I've owned the class... our group went to get feedback from prof. Which was good. Caught a glimpse of my presentation grade. Of cos we all knew she's going to give everyone Aplus. But I saw the raw score, I got a 100 baby. Other people scored in the eighty-ninety range. So when the bell-curve comes into play, hopefully I'd still be on top.

After looking around the class, and seeing all the different groups, I'm kinda glad I got lumped with a few exceptional group-mates. Like F who thinks in very lawyer-ly style like me, SQ who works hard and is astute as well. E who also has merit and Fo who's just damn joker but a fun group-mate anyway. But a wee bit of me wished I was lumped together with class cutie so I can... *ahem* trytogetahandupaskirtormaybenot.

And there will be no more leadership classes!!!!

How utterly sad. Considering its my slackest class and I go there just to assess other people. How extremely relaxing that is, since it requires like 0.000123% of my CPU power. I just go there to leer at freshie-with-hottest-legs-in-school. The best way to describe her - bang-able. Good to bang.

Friday- Softball was super today. Played a game. Discovered that the blue bat feels really good when hitting. Laughed alot when the guys did stupid things like slam the glove on each other when tagging, physically shoving runners to steal, laugh at nonsensical foul-balls, laugh at cl aire who is extremely hilarious whenever she interacts with the ball. Screaming at the guys to PLEASE CALL if you want to take a high ball. Amusingly realising that I must be a fearsome little thing to guys. Which explains why no guys has ever dared to explicitly ask me out even though I know they're interested (because I am cute! *looks indignant*). For I might bite off their head (not true). Sky was a brilliant water-colour painting today. Splashed in excesses of purple, lavendar and pink hues.

[Which reminds me of one of the gay-est things the gay guys ever said, "Don't wear purple! Wear lavendar!" Wow. So ... that will certainly differentiate.]

We took photos with the beautiful backdrop of a sky. Took stupid photos.

-----------


Softball's suppose to make me forget. But my thoughts drifted today. Not a good sign.

Sometimes I have a feeling it's because of the meds I'm taking...

That or maybe.


Someone is annoying me to an extreme lately. It has grown into a tumour. And I despise it.

I had one of my most interesting leadership class lessons today.

The group I was in charge of was presenting, and they had invited their beneficiaries of the project to the class. It was ground-breaking because I've never heard of any group that has done that before. So it was kind of a spoil market situation. The people invited included students from S A and caretakers of the NGO. One of the students was extraordinarily cute. Woot! Plus, they spoke eloquently as well, in a setting in which many s mu students themselves couldn't handle. However, things started to go downhill when another teaching assistant asked if the students would continue visiting the old folks again and again. Basically, whether or not their 'attachment' with the old folks would last and if they were genuinely sincere in their volunteerism.

Of cos, people gave politically-correct answers, some proferred honest opinions. But what can you expect people to say in such situations? You couldn't expect them to really give their honest take because to do so would paint them in a morally-bad light. So I felt that the question wasn't fair cos it questioned people's morality and that bordered on personal attacking, when instead, we should be focusing on questions related to the project and objective issues.

I was a little annoyed. But only a little. However, the questions kept on coming and became more and more persistent. The situation started spiralling out of control and the students were put into a spot. After awhile, I really couldn't take it anymore. Just before prof ended the presentation, I offered one last opinion. And oh my goodness, I have never heard myself sound so angry in class before. I think I gave my most spirited defense of people ever, and was extremely blunt.

I told everyone, if we can't even answer this question of 'always being a volunteer' ourselves, if we ourselves cannot find it within us to commit, who are we to take the moral high-ground and ask other people this same question. Something along those lines. Basically I just told people off that we shouldn't be hypocritical and ask people questions that obviously we know the answer to. Once I was done, my group actually clapped for me. And later when the whole thing ended, I also confronted the person who started the whole fiasco, and the other teaching assistants tried to calm me down as well.

I was just seething... at the unfairness of it all. Later on, my group came to thank me for standing up on their behalf, one girl even hugged me. Best of all *snigger*, the cute student was quite impressed by my defense and we started talking abit. Damn cute girl! RAHH! Not too bad a reward for defending other people.

--------

This whole thing, kind of reminds me of what happened for one of my finance mods. We were suppose to create a new instrument and had thoroughly researched on the industry. I truly believed in the merit of our creation and the strength of our background research. But when we tried to convey the same to prof, he didn't believe us cos he himself had poor knowledge of the industry and wrong assumptions. I was also seething at this point cos he kept cutting in when I tried to explain certain issues to him. I told myself, if during the actual presentation he dares to cut in like that and throw his wrong assumptions around. I would rebutt and I would do it bluntly and forcefully, cos I truly believe in the rightness of our ideas.

So the thing is, lately, I'm starting to get really ... I don't know.... passionate about the issues raised during the course of study? In the past I wouldn't really care, just get me my grade thank you very much. Now it seems like the grade isn't enough, there must be recognition that my views and my produced work was valid and of value. And I'm starting to stand by my views very strongly.

Honestly, I don't know if this is good or bad. I guess in some ways its not too good. And I can see it is already happening myself.

The truth is, I know for a fact that I'm a damn good group-mate. I produce work faster than anybody else, way before deadlines approach. I see the crux of issues and know what the professors want to assess. I drive projects and push people to meet my standards. I'm a good presenter and there's obviously no arguement there. And when I get things done my way, for projects in which I am the 'main driver', the results show for it. That more often than not, my way was right. Like the finance project I was so passionate about. I would say we were the second best in class. We even beat the group which had alot of finance zai kias, they were third best at most from the scores we found out. And I know for a fact that in tomorrow's ethi c's class I'll blow people's minds with my arguements. Again, this is another project that I drive. Conversely, for projects in which I took a back-seat, they didn't do as well.

But the thing is, I know I'm also a difficult group mate to work with. Because I expect so much out of other people. I expect the same from them as I would expect from myself. Not free? There's no such excuse. Got other projects, that's really your own problem, you should devote some time to our project too. If your slides or your arguements are not up to my standard, I will force you to redo. And I'm usually blunt and direct about it. This is work, I don't like to sugarcoat deficiencies. I also have the tendency to skew the direction of the project towards my point of view. And I will logically argue people down if they disagree otherwise. Rarely do people convince me that I'm wrong, but then again, rarely do their arguements carry greater weight than mine. I guess I can be described as 'too assertive' at times.

But even so, the fact still stands that... I will produce results. And people know that, that's why even before the next semester starts, people are pestering you to take courses together with them so that you can be in their project group.

----------------

Sigh... I don't know. Honestly. Someone once told me I was intimidating for being driven. Others have told me that I portray myself as someone who can take care of herself pretty well and therefore 'don't anyhow mess around with her'. Someone once told me I was difficult. Someone once told me that because of the things I've done, it made people feel like they couldn't 'reach me' at my level.

I don't know. If to push forward is a good idea. If to stand up and be passionate and strong about your ideas, is a good thing to do. If to prioritise 'being nice' over results , and settling for average results when you know your way is better.

I don't know.



Sometimes I think I scare people away.

Sometimes, I wonder why I bother myself with such questions anyway. As if there would be an answer, as if it would change anything.



Either way, I am pretty fed up. Fed up that these are issues that I even bother raising.

"Cos you know it's not that simple"