Thursday, August 30, 2007

Actually,

L word isn't too bad.


I don't know. Maybe sheer boredom was getting to me, but after I finished playing my comp game and watching DVDs of Gold en Girls (no it sounds like porn, but it's not, rather it's a very famous sitcom from the '80s), I realised I was in need of serious entertainment. So I started watching from where I left off the other time, and whoaaa... not bad actually. The plot actually interests me this time. I even felt abit sorry for sh ane. WOW. Amazing.

But yeah, it touches on a lot of good topics that I've never even really pondered about myself. =)

Now I'm onto the last episode, and I understand now why people moan about the season ending. Ah wells, I haven't really watched the previous seasons. I guess if I'm really desperate I could go borrow those. But somehow, I don't feel like watching 'the past'. I want to find out, 'the future'.

That said, it is going to be Fall 2007 soon. Which means the 3rd season of... S O N!!!!

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On another note, something that happened on the night of CC A day put a damper on my spirits. I was walking past other people's half-done booths. A familiar face was seated at one of them, and she said to me, "hey elsa, when are we going to have our own booth?" I just laughed and joked, and didn't really think much about it. But later after CC A day came and went, it dawned upon that even I wouldn't have the guts to stand at our booth. If we ever had one. That I wouldn't dare to stand in front of a table which screams "GAY SOCIETY" or something, and have every single straight-looking freshmen look me up and conclude immediately that I must be gay cos I'm standing at the gay booth. It's kind of... scary.

Would I even dare 'promote' it? Would any freshmen dare to even come up and ask us, even if they are interested, gay or not (for fear of being labelled or singled out or identified)? I think I know enough people now to actually set up a club (we even exceed the number needed for an exco). But who would even dare man the booth.. or put a face to the club?

Then I realised we're still far away from what we originally envisioned.

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Ah wells.

Sometimes, when I see two persons I know talking and mixing together.. but because of the fact that both are closeted, they have no clue about each other. I don't say a thing, cos I'm not sure that's what they want. I don't know, but I find it such a pity. It's like... hey, you could've been more than just the usual hi-bye classmates. Then I thought, if only everyone was more open...


....maybe then, we won't feel like we're the only ones around.

Monday, August 27, 2007

I'm pretty pleased with a free monday schedule =)

It's awesome! It's like now, I could hang out on weekends, sunday night, and not have to worry about waking up for school the next day! Seriously! How cool is that?

Anyways, the past weekend has been pretty eventful. I had a sleepover with the cell guys on saturday night, at KW's house. His house is really amazing and really nice. Not to mention a huge bedroom just for himself, which managed to fit 3 huge men and 1 little girl - me. And there was still alot of space leftover. So we arrived 'home' at 11 in the night, drank some wine (which made me red), watched some movies and talked about stuff into the night. We also had abit of supper made out of tuna, egg and instant noodles. Damn I love the boys!

Initially, I was abit worried about sleepover arrangements. Firstly, its all guys and I'm the only girl. So what if I wake up in the morning only to discover tents in their shorts?? Like, what am I supposed to do? Isn't that very embarassing? Then later, I thought, maybe the solution is that I have to sleep in a separate bedroom. And that would most likely be his sister's. Which -- on foresight -- sounds like an extremely good idea. Becos his sister is pretty hot (she is from my school after all). Then I told the guys this and KW said that haha, no you'd be sleeping in my mom's room instead if you don't sleep with us.

Anyways, we only had 2 hours of sleep before we had to wake up in the morning and go visit Nick's church. Which is KK MC. It was pretty interesting, the entire service was about singing songs becos it was a hymn festival. And.....


Hmm, I don't know if its a good idea to keep talking about girls like that. I mean, hmmm, it's all in my head yeah? Other people also look at other people. But most people don't talk about it as much as I do I think. So maybe I should stop. Stop stop stop. But it's tough when such occurrences are usually very cool and gush-worthy things to me. Sighs... Okay stop.


And anyways, this blog is too public. I shall post here once in a while, but I'll be taking my stuff elsewhere too. So taataa.

Friday, August 24, 2007

A couple of happenings lately:

1. Today at softball booth, we saw one of the goodie bags given to year ones and I took out a magazine, and photos of hot bods flashed before my face. I gasped. They gave the freshi es Ma xim to read?? Ooooo I want one too.....

2. I believe, I have met the most insane and sadistic prof in school. My c at prof. Pure evil. Somehow, somewhere, I think he's extremely jaded and weary with society. Every word said drips with bitterness.

3. So ftball is getting fun lately. We are doing diamond drills! yayay! My hand however, hurts from catching too many male-thrown balls. And just this wednesday, on my birthday, I was hit squarely at the back of the head by a softball while running to second. (some present, lol) And nanoseconds before it hit, I knew! I knew something was terribly wrong and doom loomed above me. Literally.

4. Tomorrow night, I might get to have a sleepover with the boys. Everything else will be the same, i.e. squealing and giggling and gossiping in pajamas and pillow fights and watching the campiest musical movies on TV. Just like a typical girls sleepover.

5. I was very tempted to go join dra gon boat this sunday. And win some money at the same time. But then period came.... and. -_-

6. My president for TM said he was very drained and bored today at the booth. I, on the other hand, was thoroughly entertained by the constant flow of ... legs. Haha. The best place to people-watch is really... in school.

7. I heard some of the funniest vomit stories during dinner with the soft ballers today. I have my own sad tale to tell as well... about being vomited on.

8. I still remember, one of the most amusing moments during SB..... I was busy in my own world, happily cutting tomatoes (one of my favourite job responsibilities). Then suddenly, ADR and fai zal came up to me, grinning madly and said,"E lsa this is your song". And then I heard the lyrics of some rap song, "I like girls, I like girls, I like girls... baby... I like girls, I like girls ..." I was like, knife suspended in air, going ..."Huh?". And then, "Oh.".. and then back to chopping.

9. Last night, I asked En ri. Mich. Z, my past semester classmate to help me paste something high above on a pillar for c ca day publicity. And after he pasted it, he gave me the kind of benevolent grin tall adults give when they pass a kid a candy from a high shelf.

10. At the T M booth, the exco was debating who should have the dunkin' donut that one SI S guy collected from his school. Being paiseh and gracious and generous, everyone kept counter-offering each other. I came over in the midst of the debate, they offered it to me, and I ate it promptly. Problem solved.

Today I picked up the starfish soft toy (still wrapped in its netting packaging), and squeezed it abit. Stared at it for awhile, and it reminded me of times past. Of happier times.

It has no use now, other than to cushion my bed further. And then I thought about stuff in C CA day today. It's jarring.

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If I go where my head takes me, maybe I'll go down the path of motivational speaker. maayyybe. Cos it's not easy, and it's very tough to build a brand on your own name, and from your own individual merit. I could crash and burn, or be foolish in thinking I can actually pull it off. To make a living out of speaking.

But the biggeset sctick I guess, is that I don't walk the talk. Do I? Big dreams, big messages in speeches, but coming back home on the bus and you're still that tiny speck in the world. Nothing moved. In you.


You know what people keep telling me is my flaw in public speaking? I never talk about personal experiences. Or back my arguements up with 'real life'. More importantly, I never refer to 'me'. You can't be a motivational speaker, if you don't live out your own words.

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Haha, after my expensive workshops in the holidays, I guess its true after all... this sideways comment made by the trainer about my character. That my biggest nerdiness of all... is inaction. Just look at today, all you did was look at her. And there it stopped. All you did for dreams was talk. And there it stopped.


I really am starfish, aren't I? A star fish which requires major shock to move. So far, my only 'move' is the youth group.


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See? I'm talking again. On the blog. And where am I? Seated stationary on a chair. Inactive.

3 days ago, me and another Toas tmaster gave a speech. And after our speeches, 30+ people believed us enough to give us $410 in cash. We achieved close to 100% sign-up rate in one night.

One more life experience which tells me, if you speak well enough on stage , you can make people do whatever you tell them to do.

Do you really need another reason to be convinced to join Toast masters? heee...

Project 9 (repeat)
Title: Modified Comm 10 1 oral presentation.

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Good evening fellow students,


How many of you get nervous when speaking in front of a crowd? As though standing up here was like facing the firing squad, all eyes aimed at you, shooting bullets? Scary isn’t it?


Didn’t you wish that you had something to help you with, some way that will make presentations a lot less stressful. Don’t you wish you could craft and deliver that perfect speech that will blow everyone off their seats and make them green with envy by spoiling the market.


My friends, I’d like to introduce to you a simple concept. A concept that will be worth every cent that you pay for it and will remain useful throughout your life. I’m talking about Toastmasters, and today I’m going to share with you what toastmasters is about, and why tm is good for you.


The aim of toastmasters, to help you learn how to become a better speaker. And regular meetings are held in which members practice speechcraft and can choose to do two things. One, is to give a prepared speech to the audience on any topic of their choice, and two is to give an impromptu speech. Lastly, the membership fee for toastmasters cost $90 a year.


Some of you might wonder, wow, it’s so expensive, pay $90 just to talk in front of other people? I already do that against my will in SMU for presentations. Why would I want to subject myself to yet more presentations? Well, let me show you what tm can do for you and perhaps you’ll reconsider your stand.


Firstly, Toastmasters gives you a platform to improve your speaking abilities. As they say, practice makes perfect, the more speeches you give, the better you get at it. Some of you might think, I already have a high GPA, why do I still need to learn how to communicate? Well, communication is a skill that will never go out of fashion. Even the richest man in the world, Bill Gates, has to communicate to put across his ideas to Microsoft. No matter what job or rank you have, you will need to be a good communicator. On the other hand, some of you might feel that you already have competent presentation skills and that you are not afraid of speaking in front of others. But the thing is, the biggest room in the world, is the room for improvement. No matter how good a speaker you already are, there is always something new that you can learn in toastmasters, which will complement your speaking skills. Tom Peters, a management expert and best selling author, has this testimonial to share about Toastmasters and he says, “Height and hair colour may be in the genes, but public speaking isn’t.” Thus, this shows that communication is a skill governed by effort not by innate ability, and that is why, the toastmasters learning experience can make everyone in this room a fantastic speaker tomorrow.


Secondly, SMU always advocates that students must network and find contacts. In toastmasters, such opportunities abound. External guests are frequently invited to our club meetings and such guests include, lawyers, accountants, businessmen and even bankers. As a result, there have been many cases of toastmasters who found business contacts or jobs through club meetings. Imagine this scenario: You’re giving an awesome speech on stage, and there is a prospective employer in the audience and he is thinking that maybe, just maybe, you are the right person for the job that he has. Becos if you can convince the audience of your message, then perhaps, you can make a convincing sales pitch to clients. So if you’re sourcing for job offers, or just want to increase your business or social network, toastmasters is the place for you.


Thirdly, once you complete 10 prepared speeches in toastmasters, you will be given a certificate which qualifies that you are a competent communicator. And this certificate is highly recognized anywhere you go. Some of you might wonder, is this certificate useful? Think about it. SMU students may be different from other tertiary students, but each of us here goes through the same smu experience. So how are you going to differentiate yourself from all the other SMU clones sitting to your left and right? Everyone spends tens of thousands to get a standard piece of paper which is their university degree, but if you spend $90 more, you can get another piece of paper. Tell me, is this value for money or not? Now this extra piece of paper will make all the difference, because everyone is going to be a graduate, but are you a certified competent communicator?


So as you can see, toastmasters can help you improve your speaking abilities, expand your network and add polish to your resume. Lastly, I’ll just leave you with this alternate fantasy: Imagine you’re giving a presentation. But instead of being afraid, you own the audience, and they are hanging on to the tips of your every word. All their eyes aimed at you, not shooting you down with bullets but in admiration and awe. This, my friends, is a reality that is achieveable. But as we say in toastmasters, to start, you don’t have to be good, but to be good, you have to start.


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You are real pretty.




Saw you when I first stepped into school. Saw you again today.





Hmmm *blank look*

Today, in the flurry of finding project groups in m arketing class... Jas mine turned to me and said, rather sadly, that, "Every single decision you make in S MU seems so loaded."

In my head I was, "Yeah, I know that." I'm SO aware of that. But somehow, you just shove it back to your head and do it still anyway. Then it just hit me how sad a reality that was. That your grades depend somehow on the people you choose.

And how do you choose people anyway? Based on how close a friend they are? Based on how good a team player they would be? How do you judge? And worse still, how do you turn down a friend and can still remain as friends.

Everything's so calculated. Every move. Heck, every second of mark eting class break today. 5 minutes of it. Was spent fretting over project mates and who to cope last minute into our group, or waiting for equally worried people decide whose side they want to be on. I calculate even before I realise it. I calculate so as to make my life easier in the long term. I calculate so that at the end of the day, I will still get my money if I maintain these grades.

And at what cost?


What is SM U really teaching us... What kind of lesson is this? Becos the biggest and most impactful lessons in life, aren't found in our school textbooks or professors' slides. It's how business-like we interact with each other and weigh each other, that is scary. And how the environment is shaped in such a way that if you choose to be nice, sometimes, you don't get very far? If there's one big thing I've learnt in sm u, is how you value people from their performance. How you appraise them in an hour of class observation and past experience. And how you realised that building up a reputation, heck, a brand for yourself, is like express entry into any group you want.

In fi nance class, I had a choice to join some really zai friends or some dubious (academic-wise) friends. And duh, I chose the former. Is it normal to feel guilty for making such a choice? There are people who make great friends but lousy project-mates. Should I, MUST I feel obliged to do projects with them becos we are friends?

It sucks when all your pre-planned project groups from initial bidding don't come into fruition, then you realise that, actually you didn't end up in such a bad situation. But then you look at the decisions you have to make. The fantastic (business-wise) but emotionally lousy decisions.


And then you just wish....


Group the class randomly. It's easier on our souls.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Yesterday was my Happy Day =)

Thankfully there was no school. So I didn't have to spend the precious day having to deal with new lessons, classmates, professors, work etc. I could stay at home and do whatever I want. After all, it's my special day =)

Watched movies the entire morning. Followed by some $$%$%*#($$!!! cca stuff to settle, then its off to training. Came back, watched abit more TV, and sadly, I had to sleep early cos there's school the next day.

But daddy bought alot of nice food for lunch yesteday! Roast meats and pizza. Evidently, he hasn't forgotten! Sister wished me in the morning, but I was too groggy to hear. Mommy wished me at night when I came back from training.

All in all, a mostly stress-free day in a stressed out week.


I am officially older. Sighs... life is flying by. Really fast. And the special days of the years past... gets blurrer each time.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

The Hetero Voice

Cher Tan explains that there is a thin line differentiating betweenwhat is ‘natural’ and what is ‘unnatural’.

http://www.think.cz/issue3/29/5.html

Yesterday I went to the helpers' party. Though I wasn't a helper myself, I paid $20 in terms of bribery money to get in. Haha. It was quite fun though! There was some really awesome, reeeechhh, thick, smothering, creamy and full oreo cheesecake. One slice and I was like bloated already. But it was sooo goood. So fatty too....

And there was so much liquor. As usual. But unlike uni/young adult parties which are filled with cheap lousy alcohol and much cheaper mixers... there was like wine there! Like *gasp!* really nice wines. There was riesling (my favourite white), dessert wine, some very old red wine and some champagne rose thingy as well. I drank abit of all the bubbly even though I was going to drive like hours later. But of cos never over the limit.

I guess I don't really understand the appeal of drinking alot. Like how some can drink to beyond the point of self-control. It's really gross to vomit and feel physically bad when drunk, it's like a conscious decision to be sick. Hmm oh wells, I guess to each his own. But I'll never want to be in that kind of situation though. Just like how I'll never smoke even a little bit of a cigarette.. just to 'try'. Some might say that I'm missing out or I should just try it for the experience. But nah... I'll pass. It just doesn't appeal.

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Today I watched Bou rne 3. Very nice =) And finally got to meet with mugger leow after like months.....


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For the rest of today and tomorrow, I just want to live in a bubble of happy-delusion =)

Friday, August 17, 2007

Went for a T M competition last night. Nope I wasn't participating, I was just a test speaker for participants to evaluate me. The participants are evaluators. But at the same time I also completed project 9. One thing I realised however, is that hearing 4 people evaluate your speech can be rather demoralising, as they point out flaw after flaw. It just goes to show how far you are from perfection.

That said, there is 3 days left to the start of school. And there is nothing on my calendar that vaguely cheers me up. Was supposed to meet m indy today, but was scuttled by a bad, vulnerable tummy. Sighs.... And I'm fed up with cca. Planning 1 event on your own, has never been more insane... I don't even want to think about it. I just want to relax for my last few days.... maybe do something fun. Hmmm.

Anybody wanna hang out? :D

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Project 9
Title: Finding Happiness


Good evening, fellow toastmasters, tonight, I want to ask all of you a question. So just close your eyes, and really think about it for a moment. “What is your purpose in life?” I could name some of your thoughts right now: For some, our purpose in life is to provide for our families, for others it might be to become a millionaire, and for those who are more socially-aware, perhaps it is to uplift the underpriviledged. But I guess I can condense all this lofty aspirations in one simple sentence; and that is, “My purpose in life.. is to be happy.” For whatever comes to mind when you think about your purpose in life, the bottomline is that it must in some way make you happy, right?


So now that we know that our basic, most fundamental purpose in life is to be happy. How do we go about achieving happiness? That, my fellow toastmasters, is what I’m going to talk about tonight. But first, I want to discuss three myths about happiness.


Firstly, is that you can find happiness in the individual ‘things’ around you. What do I mean by ‘things’? These things can be material objects or people. For example, the more money we have, the more luxury items we can buy and use, and thus the more happy we become. Obviously, we all know that wealth does not equal happiness, so I will not elaborate further on that cliche. Now, what about.. people? We believe that if we have certain people in our lives, we will be happy. These people could be either family, or close friends.


Then let me ask you a question, if our happiness is found in these people, what happens if they leave our lives? For example, if they pass away, are we doomed to unhappiness for the remainder of our lives? No! We mourn, and remember, but we also move on and continue to build a life for ourselves. We might even return to being happy after some time. I’m not saying that friends and family are unimportant, what I mean is that our happiness is never fixed in certain things. Because everything on this planet is temporary. What you have today, you might not have tomorrow. But our happiness, does not die forever when we lose things that are precious to us. So if happiness is not found in fixed objects or people, where do we find happiness?


Here’s the second myth of happiness: It is a concept that is ingrained in us in movies, books, literature, everywhere! A lot of us believe in it, but I feel that it’s a false notion on happiness.. and that is: Dreams make us happy. Nonsense. Our goals and dreams provide an impetus for us to move forward and take certain actions towards those goals. But underneath it all, belies the notion that once we achieve that dream, it will make us happy. However, if we believe in this, we might end up very sad people instead. Because in life, we might find ourselves in one of the three situations of goal achievement. A, Purusing your goal, B, achieving your goal or C ,failing to achieve your goal. So if we find ourselves in A and C, isn’t that a very sad state of affairs? Because according to this myth, we will never be truly happy unless we achieve our dreams. Thus, there is an important question we must ask ourselves….


Is it possible to be happy, while we are still trying to reach our dream, is it possible to be happy, when we fail to achieve our dream and lastly is it possible to be happy, even though we might not have a dream?


Ladies and Gentlemen, if happiness is not to be found in dreams, or transient objects or people.. where do we find real, lasting happiness? My friends, the phrase “to find happiness” is itself a myth, the third myth. We cannot search or find our happiness in life. Because to search, is to seek entities that are external from us. But happiness is not an emotion induced by externalities, happiness is a perspective that comes from within. So if we keep trying to ‘find happiness’, we’ll never find it. Here’s an example of how happiness is a perspective, and its internal: Take failure for instance, you can view it as an unhappy occurrence, a waste of your effort and time, OR you can view it as a lesson learnt, which build you up and made you stronger, and for that you are happy.


Fellow toastmasters, I find this notion of happiness extremely empowering. That we choose as and when we want to be happy. This means that no matter what stage of life you are at, or what ‘calamity’ or curveball life throws at you, it will never take away your happiness. For you, and you alone, are in full control of your happiness, it is already in you, you embody it. So if you want to be happy, make that choice.




There was also a humorous speech contest that night. And gosh, some of the guys were really damn funny. Here's my favourite joke (which is a true life account by the way) by this guy called ky le:

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"An elderly Chinese couple migrated to the US. They spoke only a smattering of English. But they were earnest and hardworking, and were eager to improve their spoken English. One evening, they invited their neighbours, the Jones, over to dinner.

At the dinner table, Mr Jones said to Mrs Jones, 'Honey, can you pass me the syrup?'. And she did.


Then later, Mrs Jones said to her husband, 'Sweetheart, can you pass me the sugar?'. And he did.

After dinner was over, the old chinese man pondered....and thought: He called his wife honey.. when he wanted to syrup, and she called him sweetheart... to get sugar. Honey ... syrup, sweetheart... sugar.... Aha! I get it now!

Having understood how to address loved ones properly in the English language, the old man decided to impress his guests and invited them again the next night.

Then at the dinner table, the old man said to his wife,"Pig! Pass me the pork!"

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=) I burst out like there was no tomorrow.....

Saturday, August 11, 2007

A couple of things...

I'm confused about myself. And the drives behind certain feelings. Sometimes you think you're A but you turn out to be B, sometimes you feel A but when reality forces itself in front of you, you end up denying B.

I look at the minute and mundane choices that I make and I know it's driven by something deeper, less neutral and perhaps not so innocent, and I don't really question it cos it's too scary to contemplate sometimes . Then I wonder where all this impetus comes from and it absolutely befuddles me.

I just can't answer it.

And worse still, I can't seem to put a stop to it.


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It's not just the obvious obvious things which I've been telling the whole wide world, but its the unspoken things that really scare me. Certain things I've never breathed a word to anyone about. Once in awhile it appears like a fly and obscures my vision. I try to swat it and it leaves me be for a moment. But it just never really truly disappear. Instead, it makes me move in sinister directions which goes against practicality and rationality.

Why why why. Why do I make decisions so....


Next semester scares me. And no, it's not the studying bit I fear... it's this thing called uncertainty.

Just now I sat on the sofa and thought for a moment. And I realised it's precisely at this moment which I need to hand myself over to God. To trust that He has a plan in store for me, that everything will fall into place in the end.

Cos right now, I feel like there's no ground below my feet.


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I just want to be happy. I really do.

And it's so ironic that on thursday I'm going to tell people how they can find happiness... Lols, I hope I'm convincing enough... =p


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Mind over body. But have you ever heard of body over mind? It happens too. Just force a grin onto your face, not directed to anyone, but directed inwards, and you'll feel your mood lightening up. So smile people, for today


you are alive.

Yay~!

Today was fun! Finally got back into some real training with coach around. And there were lotsa new guys today, most of whom had past experience. And they are like.. whoaaaaa.... Look at the throw.....The guys team look promising. It was really fun playing with them too, they make catching even a challenging task. It's accurate yes, but it can get abit scary sometimes. Especially when they go all out at you. But then again, I don't want some wimpy, half-baked throw at me just becos I'm a girl...... what nonsense. Anyways, challenges are always a good thing. That said, I'm abit worried about my turf shoes. It's abit slippery to run on the sand. Methinks it's getting worn out.

But girls... sigh.... there is only 2 with past experience now. The rest are new or still rather new in terms of skills. Oh. Wells... my legs are aching. They haven't been used this intensely for awhile.


Wa-sa--- bee!


Sigh I miss playing n j softball.


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On another note,

I CANNOT STAND INEFFICIENCY. And it's showing up in all my major projects.

Friday, August 10, 2007

1 week left to school... and I'm listening to the soundtrack of American Beauty. There's just something about that movie that draws me to it. Something about the dysfunction, and the mundane, and how if you look carefully enough, there are gems just underneath your bed, in you.

About how you can make a change in a life that seems written and finished already. Darkly inspirational. Mmmm.

And I'll be needing some sort of inspiration soon... come next thursday I have a test speech to make at some evaluation competition. My first project speech in front of non-sm u people. And after the speech I will be hearing a total of 6 evaluations for that speech. Mmm.. talk about feedback.

Then when school reopens I have to re-do my com ms 101 speech to the freshies.... And then later on is the humorous speech contest, which I must somehow convince myself I have already won. Hmmmm, challenging times ahead. But fun challenges I'm sure =)

So what have I done in the holidays really?

(1) I've learnt some new cake recipes! =D Yesterday I tried a carrot cake recipe. Turned out pretty good. Cake was tasty and moist, better than most carrot cake I've had. It's good enough to eat without the cream cheese icing. Plus my SB recipe of buttercake, I've tried it a total of 4-5 times and 'graciously' gave away to people...because if I leave it at home, the family members will consume all that fat I put in. I wanna learn to make cheesecake, which N ess is suppose to teach me as hers is really DAMN good.

(2) I'm very particular about coffee now, after learning some coffee art from SB. On the very last day of work, I made the best cappuccino of my life for aun tie kim. That made me very happy. Somehow, she makes me feel like I'm her granddaughter.

(3) I'm re-learning school efficiency again after churning out event plans for so ftball and toast masters. Sometimes, when the going gets tough, and my ccas piss me off... I must remind myself why I'm in it in the first place. Especially toast masters. For it's worst than captain. At least then, I had a very competent exco to help me in jc. Now I've still got a pretty good exco for TM, but all the responsibilities are multiplied a dozen. Sport club management seems so much easier than this.

But if this is bad? Heheh... it's still nothing compared to the youth group. Sigh yes... the group. Even handing over to the new facilitators is daunting already.

Sometimes.. I just want to be a follower.

SLACK BABY SLACK!!!!!


I just want to lie on my bed.....and not have to go mustafa in half an hour to buy @$#&%#%( materials for cca day.


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Hmmm I bitch alot about school eh? Can't help it much I guess, it's looming over me now.

Things I want now to occupy my mind:
1. The bourne movies... so I can get updated on the plot and watch Bourne Ultimatum
2. S O N season 3 rahhhh!!!
3. harrryy potterrr... anything related.... I need my fix. lols
4. MOVIESSSSS.
5. Anything. pls. just anything.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

There is slightly over a week left for holidays.... Holidays which I'm clutching so tightly to....Cos I don't want it to end.

I want to absolutely, and completely and defiantly, stone. And feel bored. And just nuah and sleep my days away. Becos that will be a luxury when school reopens. But every once in awhile, cca will come a-haunting. And it's been really bugging me. Let me dispense some sagely advice ... DO NOT JOIN toooo many ccas or get yourself toooo involved in your tooo many ccas. I have one exco position too many. Urgh. Over the past 2 days, I sent out a huge volume of data to both ccas. Chasing people is also getting abit tiring... I'm going to just fall over and play dead for awhile.

And I hate adobe photo shop. It pisses the hell out of me. I hate tech stuff. RAHHH!!!!! I haven't cursed this much since Yan g Zhen lin and his statistics homework. (I have a feeling I'm going to do the same for CAT, chio! chio!).

And the youth group... oh Gawd... Let's not even start ....

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Let's talk about happier things shall we? :)

Harry potter book 7 was awesome. I luv it I luv it I luv it. It's so sad the series is ending.... For the past 2 days, my worries were shut out magically by the book.

I just went for a free back massage recently and now I've just got another free back massage complimentary spa treat. YAY! It's all those female magazines with promotions going on. I vote Her W orld.

I got my sm u scholarship. Whoopie. I tell myself it's all because of toastmasters. Really.

I saw a very beautiful (perhaps the most--) queer girl at one of the Indi gnation events. Absolutely stunning. Some things are back to normal. Almost.

I can't wait for SATURDAY!!! It's going to be the play! And meeting you! And then meeting m el! And then v's bday. Reunion of the ltb group! But of cos.. talk will definitely creep towards school... and that never fails to make me anxious again... Sighss...



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I miss you.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Today was the opening of indign ation. Not bad. Good snacks. Nice photos from the kissing exhibition. Some experiences made me think today.

There was this girl who came alone. She met j in, who kindly spoke to her and introduced say oni. And later was introduced to a few of us. We started talking abit and I found out she didn't have much gay friends, and thus came alone. She was also just starting to come out, and step out abit more into the scene.

After chatting awhile, she asked for my number. And my instincts told me to draw back. It's not that she was ugly or unpleasant or anything. On the contrary, she was not bad at all. And in fact, she's most probably seeking new friends that's why. Nothing further.

Yet I won't take the risk. I didn't give my number. Instead, I told her how to contact me through sayo ni. Be it friendship or relationship or whatever, I guess I wasn't going to give so easily, to be exposed. Once more. You'd never know what might happen. Either way, I'm devoid of feelings now.

Maybe I just want to lay low and be invisible for awhile. Not to be noticed, or prodded, or have new people coming into my life suddenly. I just want to hug myself in a corner. In the past, me being opportunistic me, would probably have given my number. But now, I am just numb to it all.

You told me once that I was a difficult person to love. Becos I portray this idea that I didn't need anybody. That I was untouchable in a way. And it made people concerned that they won't measure up if they tried. My teacher said the same to me before. And I guessed I did that excellently tonight. Pushing people away. Only holding close, those that I deem safe and tested. Worthy.

Maybe I'm just scared. Scared after age 18 and its pains. Scared now after sunday. More reason to fear. I read the stuff I write when in carthasis, and look at the persona I create. And I realise I'm treading a fine line between being cynically 'clever' and being wise.

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I could be that perceived superhero in me again. Or I could unlearn all my lessons, and be reborn and renewed again.

It's a choice.



But sometimes, it's so hard to be good. When all I ask for is something simple and plain.