Tuesday, July 31, 2007

This is a beautiful hymm. Which we sung during service, and which I had a solo part. It has been in my head for awhile now....Thought I would just share...

Dear Lord and Father of mankind,
Forgive our foolish ways;
Reclothe us in our rightful mind,
In purer lives Thy service find,
In deeper reverence, praise.
In deeper reverence, praise.

In simple trust like theirs who heard,
Beside the Syrian sea,
The gracious calling of the Lord,
Let us, like them, without a word,
Rise up and follow Thee.
Rise up and follow Thee.

O Sabbath rest by Galilee,
O calm of hills above,
Where Jesus knelt to share with Thee
The silence of eternity,
Interpreted by love!
Interpreted by love!

Drop Thy still dews of quietness,
Till all our strivings cease;
Take from our souls the strain and stress,
And let our ordered lives confess
The beauty of Thy peace.
The beauty of Thy peace.

Breathe through the heats of our desire
Thy coolness and Thy balm;
Let sense be dumb, let flesh retire;
Speak through the earthquake, wind, and fire,
O still, small voice of calm.
O still, small voice of calm.




.... oh still, small voice of calm. This part was my solo. Yes elsa, oh still. Small voice of calm [in your heart].







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It is well with my soul.





When all was quiet, I used to speak out, "why Father why?". Now I just lay still and think of this song.


I could chicken and take the easy way out; blame, mope, cement in all eternity that people are forever like that, or that I will forever be a certain kind of person. Or I could choose what He would have done. And I want to be the better person I can be.


I guess I'd have to thank God for putting an angel in my presence during my darkest hour. I'll remember most what my angel said, which I need to instill in me: To never let it take a part of me away. That I will remain whole and reclaim myself again. Because if every instant every experience tore out a part of you, then at the end of it all, you'd be just a fragment, a shadow of your former self. All the other parts torn and given away. I don't want to emerge a broken person. I guess that's why the older folk look so weary sometimes, and some have given up all together, become cynical, become too cautious, too fearful, too overloaded with baggage, too negative to see the beauty and simplicity in it again.

There are times I wonder how my angel can remain so positive despite all that he has gone through. And I compare him with someone else I know who's vastly different. Why two people with similar experiences can diverge so much in terms of perspective after it all. And who chose the wiser path.

I have to surround myself with people who chose the wiser. Because I know, if that day, if it was someone more jaded and cynical seated across me, I would have been in a worse state right now. And I would go down the path of sabotaging my future. Which in the end, would hurt others but hurt me the most.




God's love still abounds.





"in the depths of winter, I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer" - albert camus

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that’s in a rush to throw you away?
Do you know, do you know, do you know, do ya?
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed?
Do you know, do you know, do you know, do ya?

If birds flying south is a sign of changes
At least you can predict this every year
Love, you never know the minute it ends suddenly
I can’t get it to speak
Maybe if I knew all the things it took to save us
I could fix the pain that bleeds inside of me
Look in your eyes to see something about me
I’m standing on the edge and I don’t know what else to give.

~~~~ Enrique Iglesias, "Do You Know"


This is my favourite song for weeks already. So very ironic.

I hate rugs being pulled from under me.

Service was awesome today. We pulled off the impossible.

I was terrified by my solo. Was really afraid I couldn't do it. But somehow it still came true. In fact, everything went well and people were really happy with our service. I'm really happy too. Had to put aside all the horrors in my backyard and really pour all out for God this morning.

I like my cell =) The boys are awesome, though some claim that I'm the only 'man' in the whole group. Haha. Hilarious.

Talked to owen the 7-year old after church today. He's a nasty little rascal, if you ever get acquainted with him. Somehow, I just decided to spend some time with him today. Small children are lovely, though they can be nightmares sometimes. Their innocence and wide-eyed wonder makes you feel light and younger again. He told me all about transformers, and I told him what I knew about star wars. We even talked about harry potter and lord of the rings, and for awhile, owen wasn't so bad. He was adorable. I needed him then.

When I cabbed home today, I talked to the cabbie uncle. He was very enthusiastic about talking about food. I was quite tired actually, drained and weary, but then... I had nothing to lose... maybe I'll try something different today. Maybe I shall engage uncle instead of shutting off as usual. So we talked. Traded tips and food havens. All this was done in chinese. And I'm quite proud of how my spoken chinese has improved tremendously ever since S B. I can communicate pretty fluently now. I guess chinese ain't so bad after all.... especially if it creates a connection between you and someone else. When I finally alighted from the cab, the uncle actually said he enjoyed talking to me today. That made me wonder... perhaps people used to ignore him when he spoke. Perhaps his efforts to get human contact while driving monotonously for hours were usually in vain. Perhaps, cab driving is a very lonely job, and that is why you frequently meet cabbies who just can't stop talking. To complete strangers. Maybe they need the human touch, maybe they lack this important thing due to the very nature of their job. Maybe sometimes, we should show a little more care to the human being next to us. This I learnt when there is one less person to care for. You get to spread your love elsewhere.

What the cabbie said put a smile on my face, maybe today I did something which made someone happy. Maybe just a change in my usual mode of being, just a tiny teeny change, can actually impact someone else. They don't have to be people close to me, they can be total strangers. But if I did something positive for a change, instead of taking the easy way out and be lazy-nasty, maybe I'll feel less tired, becos positivity will energise you. But negativity drains.

There are some people who feel tired all the time. Sometimes I feel that way too. Maybe it's how I viewed my life, which made me tired when I reflect on it. There are many reasons for me to feel tired I guess, but I'm trying hard not to.

Thank goodness then for Jere my. He sat down indignantly in front of me today, although the last thing I wanted to see was someone giving me their attention. He planted himself there, and waited and waited, till it was over. Then waited some more, till I decided to give him attention. And then we talked. Good talk. Sensible words. Spoken like a sage from the past. I absorbed it all. Lessons and all. Tough to swallow, for the moment, but I know I must try my best to recall and remember. For they will serve me well in the future.

I told him to slap me if I ever go bad. He said he would, cos I slap him too anyway. Haha.




Life feels light when there are good men in your life.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

My question's still unanswered,
Though for awhile I was distracted.
Thought the workshop'll do me wonders
but there's no such thing as miracle.

In class I learnt that I'm a nerd
"That nerdiness is here to stay
But until we can embrace it,
then we'll begin to take flight."

But one point was conveniently forgot
that I must move to change.
Now I'm too choked to bother,
Too paralyzed by upheaval.

Two months and $3k later,
Still at square one and no better.
I wonder if my instruments,
Would ever serve me well.

Temptation grows per minute
To scorn over the carnage.
I'm results-driven you see,
I evaluate the pieces.

Process is past, ended, nada.
What's left is books and potpurri.
No more but empty shells of matter,
All meaning blinked and vanished.

Confusion reigns supreme,
Was blind to the thunderbolt.
Reflection and recollection
Does no help when silence answers.

I search for lost survivors
There's still some light in me,
That God had left His mercy
on Faith, Hope, Love, His seeds.

But frankly, war revisits again.
And it's lessons awash in my face.
Between a stoneheart and despair,
I'll choose that built like a fort.

The castle's still as solid as ever,
Perhaps, the moat is a 'lil deeper.
It's gonna be tougher for foes to conquer
For I'll swear to be a formidable defender.

This prize does not come cheap,
it has an energy that astounds.
Come school reopen, I'll plunge right in
I'll still score and I'll win, you'll see.

It's what I do best afterall,
my modus operandi all this time.
Decorations and accolades to your name
A measure, a value of this mind.

What purpose you may wonder?
This striving and these gains?
I tell myself in soothing,
Your self-worth is a-soaring.

But beneath all that splendour,
the question remains unanswered.
I wonder if I'll break through
this paradox I embody.


That good guys never win.

Friday, July 27, 2007

It's been awhile....

Next week's tuesday is my last day of work. Thank goodness in a sense. Because once I stop work, all the other commitments start piling into life. Next friday itself sounds like a nightmare.

As the days go by (and school draws closer), sometimes I stop and ponder and ache. No one told me that absence is a painful thorn that doesn't go away. Distance is a burden which makes life feel heavy.

All I want is some time to swim in the sea. Let the waves carry me to places, float on without a care, without a thought on 'it's time to go back to shore'.

Starfish doesn't like an empty seabed. It wants to seek the cave.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

I got 2 out of my 5 bids for modules. $#%#$#%!!!

My forearm hurts from throwing and batting.

I think I'm slightly tanner from yesterday's softball (cum spor ts camp station thingy)


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On another note, after both exco meetings with both my ccas, you kind of get the excited and whoa-it's-going-to-be-something vibe and enthusiasm for cc a day and freshmen baiting...but then again, I always get reminded that everything always works best in theory and not practice. Oh wells, I hope all goes well. Especially the extremely complicated softball thing we're doing. For toastmasters, I'm not that worried about cc a day (cos there isn't much gimicky stuff we could do), am more worried about getting new members who would stay the course and see the value for themselves.

But anyways, here's my latest speech. I got best speaker but was up against a very talented em cee from B E. She improvised her speech on the spot and it was extremely well-done imho:

Project 7: Research Your Topic
Title: Biology 101


Our natural world is filled with many interesting and unique things. And one of the most unique of them all, is the human body. Living in this brown-ish, fleshy, soft overalls from young to adulthood, I’m sure all of us have made some weird and intriguing discoveries about our body. So I’m going to ask you all a question, :


Did you ever want to ask someone a question about the human body, but were too afraid to ask? Perhaps you were nine years old, and you wanted to ask your science teacher a question, but you wasn’t sure if she would know the answer! Well, today, I’m going to give you your most useless biology lesson, which in no way will enhance your standard of living. Although there won’t be any practical application of this knowledge, just like all our biology lessons, considering that we are management students and not scientists, the purpose of this lesson is to enhance your understanding of the human body. And hopefully, pique your interest in finding out more about the reasons behind the weird and wonderful mysteries of our body.


Now, here’s something I’m sure we have all experienced. Imaging taking a long luxurious bath in the tub, or going for a lazy afternoon swim, and you are just combing your hands through your wet, silky hair, and then suddenly… *Gasp!* What has happened to my hands?!! It is all completely wrinkled like a prune. Ever wondered why this happens? Well, surprisingly, the answer is dehydration. You might wonder, but I’m completely surrounded by water, isn’t it ironic to be dehydrated? This is because, 75% of our body is made up of water and dehydration occurs when the protective layer of oil on our skin gets washed away. Without the protective layer, osmosis occurs and water is leaked out of our skin cells. You might wonder, if water can go out of our cells, surely water can be absorbed into our cells! However, our skin cells are constructed in such a way that it is harder for water to be absorbed. And that is why our digits turn into prunes after being submerged.


Then you might wonder, how come my whole body doesn’t get wrinkled? Well, the answer is because the replenishment of oils on our fingers and toes are much slower as compared to other parts of our body. Hence, these parts get wrinkled faster.


Now, imagine sitting in a seminar room, hearing a fellow student giving a loooong, drawn out lecture on biology. And it seems to be taking very long, and you have trouble keeping awake.. and then suddenly, you open your mouth very wide and you… yawwwn. Then oddly, your eyes and mouth starts to water after you yawn. Why does this happen? Well, due to the facial contortions induced in a yawn, your tear glands at your eyes gets depressed which results in tears being produced. Additionally, when a person tries to stifle a yawn by trying not to open their mouth too big, it will put pressure on their salivatory glands, causing a rush of saliva to flow into their mouths.


Lastly, there is one single action that we do every 5 seconds of our lives, one that you are doing right now, just as I speak. And that is… blinking. Why do humans blink? Is it to flirt? Is it because our eyelid muscles are tired from holding up our eyelids for soo long, that they need to rest once in a while and relax by closing? No. Just like our skin, our eyes need to be moisturized as well as moisturized eyes are required for proper eye movement. So when we blink, the eyelid spreads moist tears over the entire surface of our eye, keeping it slick. That is also the reason why we tend to blink more often when our eyes are dry due to air-conditioning or the wearing of contact lenses.


Besides the weird information I have just described above. Here are some others: Firstly, a one- minute kiss burns 26 calories. Secondly, if you took all the urine produced in the world, it will take 20 minutes to flow over the Niagara Falls. Thirdly, babies can breathe and swallow at the same time, but humans beyond 6 months old, cannot.


So before I go, here’s one last food for thought which I will leave you with… and perhaps one day you can give me the answer to this question: Have you ever wondered why do people look upwards when they are thinking? Why not downwards, why not to the left or the right? I will now handover to the toastmaster of the evening as you continue to look upwards…

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

I think I'm going to miss S B.

Today I stayed a little later while waiting for church to start, and I helped the baker boys knead some of the dough. It was fun... even though it was tough to joke in chinese (or understand the jokes made in chinese). I would miss the aunties too... in a way... I would miss making ice lat tes and gh cs and club sandwiches (they're a work of art!) and all the little things I like to do there. I'm going to miss the other girls ( we are having ramen outing this saturday!), I'm going to miss the very adorable cleaner lady (she has this blank, glassy look when she sucks on a straw of her can drink. Very... mental-looking hehe).

School's coming back. I'm not really looking forward to it. Heck, I dread it. The pile of homework and projects again. The 3 hour lessons. The transit to SM U everyday, to and fro (oh I hate that).

But there are good things too =)

Softball is going to restart again, and this time there's abit of competition thrown in. More toastmaster challenges ahead, which I relish.

Indignat ion is coming soon. It never fails to be an interesting time of the year =D. Lev is is going to hold our very own church service! After planning today, it sounds very unique and we're doing a cell-group video (which means more artwork to be done by me) in which of cos they will add the gruesome reverse-bungee-throw-face video that has me in the center and occupying most of the frame. How very glamourous.

But still....I hope we'll upload it to youtube or something =DDD



(before the jump, with the rest of the boys watching)

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Been feeling rather overwhelmed lately.

Then I realised something.

Becos I've not been in schooling mode for a very long time, I'm starting to forget the habits that have served me well during the school term. In fact, I'm starting to procrastinate alot becos I'm scared of all the shit I need to do. The two exco roles are really scary (and they sound heavy). The softball email ers that I have to come up with. The toast master meetings I have to organise (oh, that is so worse). The modules I need to choose for next semester. There are a million people asking me to bid with them. I have trouble deciding. The youth group stuff I have yet to wrap up properly.

Wells, tonight, I finally forced myself to sit down and clear some things. And voila! It feels much better now. I've packed my desk. It looks cleaner and clearer. I've designed some mailers (great. done). I've cleared some toast master stuff. And I'll deal with modules on monday. Urgh~!

Things are less bad, when they are cleared. So I need to relearn my good ole' habits. And you know what? Busy-ness is just a state of mind =) If you think you're busy, you are. So right now, I'm free as a bird!!! And I'm going to eat mangosteens and watch golden gir ls later =)


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On a happier note, I stand a one in eight chance of getting $1.5k. If I get best first-year business student award. Thank goodness zb reminded me about it, cos I conveniently deleted the invitational email, thinking that it's spam (when it was so not spam). But luckily, I managed to find out and send in application one day before application closes. Phew.

I better hell get it. My scholarship applications have no reply. Means I didn't get. Wtf.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

BACK FROM CHURCH RETREAT!!!

Phew! Finally! It's been one hellavu weekend! =D Food was awesome, E was right about it. Every single of our meals was a hotel buffet. And the spread was enormous. In fact, just to try a teeny bit of every single dish, meant you had to take at least 2 big plates full. It's impossible not to overeat.

There was one outstanding gastronomic moment. On saturday night, the hotel buffet included seafood barbeque. AND OMG. The crab was awesome. Sublime. All they did was get fresh, live and kicking and pinching crabs. Chop them in half. Place them still writhing on the sizzling grill. It tasted orgasmic when done. Seriously. I like my crabs simple. No fancy overdone, drowning-in-seasoning chilli sauce or whatever. Just the good, clean, FRESH, taste of silky crab meat. That is why my favourite crab dish is cold crab.

Besides the food, we spent the rest of the time doing group activities (in which for every single activity I had to facilitate, since our cell group was basically running the entire show). During whatsoever free time we had, all I did was abandon my female room-mates and go to the boys' room to watch Gol den Girls!!! It's a sitcom in the '80s that's award-winning and VERY hilarious. It's also deep at certain times and I absolutely love it! I watched it until I fell asleep on the boys' couch.

KW also gave Jere my jn r a gay magazine from Aussie land. Which I flipped through, and which contained totally hot guys. Like my kind of hot guys. And I wonder why the lesbian magazines pale in comparison in the beauty department. Like. All they could manage was pride-flag waving, saggy-breasted, short-hair butch dy ke with flesh spilling out of all the wrong body areas. Even the sole female picture in the gay magazine, was a butt-shot of this really hot model. She's hotter than all the females' photographed in the lesbian magazine, put together.

WHY????

And why, are straight women and mens' magazines... FILLED to the BRIM with girl pictures only? Like when I read a straight women's magazine, I EXPECT to see mostly pictures of good-looking hot guys, instead of mostly hot girls (cos that is soo ironically, lesbian!). Where is a straight girl going to get her fix of hot male pictures? Beats me.

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On another note, I had a good day today =D

The car is an all important accessory for hanging out with --->