Wednesday, June 27, 2007

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Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Been sick the past few days. First illness in many MANY months. But thankfully, it came before the important dates of retreat was to arrive. Ahh, my first church retreat. Haven't been putting much thought to it yet. Have yet to plan (properly) the games for it.

I need to procrastinate less. Urgh.

But on another note, I just realised that s impl y br ead, my workplace is very much similar to another f&b outlet -- Is land Crea mery. And you know why?? It is how overwhelmingly female-dominated the part-time staff is... not just female.. but young female and not just young female but.... *holds breath* good-looking young female. Like whoa, I must say that all the part-timer girls got standard. Like above average "yeah we are goooood" kind of standard. Last Sunday, I met for the first time a senior part-timer whom I just never got the chance to meet throughout the previous four weeks... and whoa, yeah, she is of standard. Eye candy is always pleasant. Mmm.

[el sa stands at the counter looking pensive...]
"Who shall I look at today...? Tsk. Tsk. Such a tough choice....."

Work has been great. Really. And no no no its not becos there are cute girls there (though it helps)... I just really love the job scope. And the wide variety of things we get to do and the food. Some stuff are rather therapeutic... such as cutting tomatoes, lemons (repetitive action), making coleslaw (mixing the stuff), mopping the floor (I am losing calories as I swipe!) and washing vegetables!! (must be the sound of running water). Alot of times, when I'm not at work and I'm just nuah-ing in bed, I imagine myself making sandwiches. I don't know why but yes.... I do imagine that.

The baker boys are a riot, they never fail to amaze me and give me interesting errands such as "El sa, yi ge ice latte!" The girl colleagues can be extremely amusing as well. Case in point: Probably the most hilarious afternoon is when somehow E came out to everyone and we all descended into this big lesbo discussion. And the most amusing bit is how n ess absolutely refuses to believe that I am gay as well. And how I tried desperately to convince her, even offering to kiss every girl in the shop. Now... we have LD discussions while working... and fa izal (the male full-timer) always acts very left out when we gossip without him...and you can tell he wants to join in the fun hehe. Chatting with the mentally-challenged dishwasher lady is also hilarious, I love to say hi and chat abit with her. And tell her how much I miss her when she is not working (cos that means I will have to wash dishes!!! Bahhh!!)

And I will never get sick of the sight of the baker boys making bread. And the smell of freshly baked buttercake. Omg... I will stop whatever I'm doing and double-check what's in the oven.. and if I see the aluminium tins inside... I know it's buttercake time =) And the kitchen aunties, they make such great lunch!! Somedays, we all get sick of eating sandwiches and the kitchen crew would whip up some good ole' chinese cuisine and it's usually very good. Duh, it's by the aunties! How can it not taste good? The aunties are my best friends heheh... I never realised that until I got to taste their food. And in the past, I used to talk abit with them, help them with kitchen work, just because I felt like it. Now, there's an added benefit I never knew existed. Hehehe...Case in point: I know the auntie who was slicing up salmon the other day good enough.. to cart home a whole bag of unwanted salmon parts. Tonight's dinner has grilled salmon head made by me, on the menu.

*GRINZ*



I can't imagine not being able to get free bread once I stop working. Or even paying to eat at sim ply bre ad... when previously, I got it all for free.....

Sigh, I haven't stopped work, but I'm missing it already. Heheh =)

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Whoa.

My last entry was 12 days ago. That's a record drought of non-blogging. But then again, I've been drowning in stuff that I don't even have time to surf the net much these days. There's a whole backlog of shit to do, and stuff I want to do, but somehow, I'm just not getting much time these days.

I think I'd have to cut down on work =/ I love it, that's a fact. Especially today. For the first time, I got to cart home a whole load of salmon skin, bones, belly fat and 2 heads. Cos it was unwanted kitchen stuff. But WHOA!, do you know you have to pay $8 to eat grilled salmon head in jap restaurants out there?? I can eat it now for free at home. Just make my own =DDD

But I need to do something before I drown. I'm so not even thinking about church retreat now. It's just another thing on my agenda. And I have to shop before the gst increase, and I have to renew my damn passport which expires .... like.... right after I return from Batam.

Sigh.....

I WANT A BREAKKKKKK!!!!!

RAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

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On another note, Life is getting interesting.... =)

I want to do something. =) Just need to find some quiet time and space to get down to work. Mmmm.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

It's funny but I had a really poignant dream last night.

The finances are really scaring me I can see. I'm quite terrified of the amount that I'm paying for my workshops, and how all my work at S B and my tuition money isn't going to cover everything. I feel bad about making my mom pay for it. But I know I just need to cut down on unnecessary stuff, eat budget more often, take public transport (not taxi) and generally savvveeee... So that less money leaks out of the family finances this way.

But urgh!!! It's such a struggle sometimes... The great sg sale is coming up soon, it'll be a great opportunity for me to buy some much needed shoes and certain clothes. I want to spend... on certain things. But I have to hold back.

Last night I had quite a nightmare. I dreamt that we went to somewhere near pa radiz cen ter. Some club/pub that served alcohol. That was the whole point of us going there. Then I went to park my car and pay the carpark fees, and lo and behold to my horror, when I received the bill, it had many months on it and 3 zeros. It cost me $5k. 5,000 to park one night in a carpark??? Madness. I knew there was some kind of genuine mistake but at the moment, I just got this huge panic attack. And I was so frantic. Tried convincing the carpark attendant and they fussed over my receipt, looking very skeptical and trying to figure out why there's been a mistake (or did I try to cheat the system?).

It was a weird kind of nightmare. And it's the first money-related nightmare I've got. Hmmmm.


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On another note,

1. My schedule is scaring the hell outta me. Sometimes, somedays, I feel like there is so many people in my life that I'm not giving them enough time. What's more, that I'm not giving myself time. I need to work, to earn back money, but I need to see the people whom I hold dear to me in my life, I need to spend some time with my family, I need/want to read my books, and then tediously, I've got so much cca stuff that I need to settle. Worse of all, I haven't given time (or thought) to God.

Sometimes, I wish I could have a free day all by myself. Just for me. And nobody else. Just do nothing ... at all.

2. There are a million things I wanna blog about. But I shan't talk about it. This space is too public. Anyways.

3. I realised, that I'm at my most arrogant when I'm in toast master mode. And that, may not necessarily be a bad thing...


4. I can change my perspective about how I view all the above. That's what I learnt in my workshop anyway. =)

Sunday, June 03, 2007

A metaphor today.

You're walking down the street. The sun is shining on your back, the breeze is blowing across your face. It's a good day. And there is not a care in the world. Time seems somehow suspended. And as you walk along, you come towards this large imposing building.

It looks like a warehouse, with a little side door that just beckons you to open it. Naturally, being a curious one, you open that door and step into the darkness. As your eyes adjust to the dimness, you find yourself in a vast space. There are rows upon rows of high shelves in the room that you are in. On each shelf, are many steel canisters. You walk closer to inspect those canisters, and you realise that each canister has a date on it. You reach out towards one and unscrew the top. As you look in, you find a roll of film in it.

These are film canisters.

You pick up the roll of film within and unravel some of it. But you can't really see what's on the film, so you hold it up to whatever dim light there is. And through the light illuminating the film, you see familiar scenes. Scenes from your life. From moments that were mundane to moments that were milestones.

You open up more canisters and look at the different rolls of films. There are images of you when you were young, playing at the playground, crushing on your fellow playmate. Images of you at school, failing at tests, sometimes achieving. Scenes of you with friends, of getting rejected, of being appreciated. Quiet private moments in your bedroom, loud boisterous moments with your team-mates. They're all there. It seems as though someone had videotaped every single waking moment of your life. As though there was someone constantly following you around with a camera, recording down in permanence whatever you did. Everyday.

After awhile, you start to realise a rattling sound in the background. You turn and look around, and see a roll of film unravelling from the ceiling. It unravelled and curled up neatly in this steel canister on the floor. You walk to the canister and take a look. It has today's date on it. You look at the film that was rolling down the ceiling, and peered at scene after scene. It showed images of you staring at this very piece of film.

Right next to this fresh roll of film, is a tall ladder. The ladder led all the way up to the ceiling, and ended at a trap door at the top. Curious as always, you climb up that ladder, filled with wonderment at what that trapdoor might lead to. Then you reach the top and push the trapdoor out.

And you find yourself in a tiny studio. It was filled with film equipment. There were lighting controls, the sound system, even a director's chair. It had your name on it. But in the middle of the room, was a camera afixed on top of a tripod. That camera was pointing straight at you. You walk towards that camera and hold it up. You prop it on your shoulder and looked through the lenses.

It was incredibly empowering to look through the lenses. And you realised that you could film just about anything you want. All you had to do was focus the camera in the right direction. After all, you were the director of this film all along. The script, the dialogue, the sounds, the sights, and the smells, the climaxes and twists and turns in the film story. You created everything with your camera.

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After playing with the camera for awhile, you set it back down on the tripod. You start to explore the rest of the studio. And you spy a backdoor carefully hidden behind a curtain. You decide to open it and step through the door.

Suddenly you find yourself aboard a ship. It's those ancient kind of ships, the medieval types. Made completely out of hard wood, steel and thick ropes, the ship was a sturdy, humungous vessel. Although it swayed from time to time in sync with the foamy waves, it was tough, it was stable. The sails of the ship were pregnant with wind, fully extended in all its white expanse. It was a beautiful ship, with a prow as sharp and pointed as a sword. That prow seemed to cut through the wind as the ship moved off, like a leader charging into battle. With purpose.

You turn around and realise that there are a few people on the ship. All of them were gathered at the big steering wheel, commandeering the ship. Yeah you know who they are. There was Support standing there, giving you a big assuring grin. There was Self-Doubt, sulking in the corner looking pitiful. There was Cynicism and Distrust and many more others. Most unnervingly, there was Worthlessness gripping onto the big wheel, flashing you a look that could bring you down onto your knees.

You walk towards those people. But as you came nearer, they seem to draw away to the side of the ship. Until the moment you came too close, they suddenly threw themselves overboard, shouting, "She's all yours, matey!". Everyone had abandoned ship, saved you.

Stunned, you felt lost for a moment, becos the vessel now seemed unfamiliar to you. All your usual Companions had vanished.

There were three things that you could do now. One, you could go down to the hold of the ship, pop open a bottle of beer and drink your time away. Helpless, not knowing what to do. Not taking any action or control. Two, you could pace up and down the deck, spyglass in hand. Hoping, impatiently, praying that some boat or someone will come rescue you. Three, you could take control of that steering wheel and of this ship. And actually go somewhere.

So you walk over to where your companions had jumped off, and you find on the floor, the cap that Worthlessness was wearing before he jumped. It was a magnificent cap, one that was symbolic with its insignia and design. The kind that captains wear.

You put on the cap. It was a perfect fit. Almost seems as though it was meant for you. Then you walk over to the wheel. The big imposing wheel. It seems scary at first to take control of it, without your companions beside you, without their reassuring, convenient presence. They used to take the wheel, and you could easily, simply, slip into automatic. Now, there was no one around anymore. No more excuses to hold the wheel on your behalf.

There was nothing standing between you and the wheel. You grasp it fully with both hands, and turn the wheel in the direction that you want to go.

This wasn't just any ship. This was the most important ship to you. It's called Life.

Where the ship goes, that's your journey. Which harbour it docks at, which seas it traverse, it's all up to the captain. And you know what's the hallmark of a good captain? It's not how good they steer the ship in calm waters. The hallmark of a good captain, is how they steer the ship in stormy seas. In swells and troughs and pouring, torrential rain. Under thunder, lightning and howling wind. A good captain... will stay the course, and never let their ships get lost.

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Because this is your vessel, and you're the captain of your Life. And there's no one else who can steer it the right way



but you.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Today. 1st June 2007.

Was a crazy day.

The afternoon was madness. Sheer madness. I think I must have lost a lot of sense today. Good and bad sense. Shed some of that armour. Became soft. It was crazy... but in a good way I suppose. It also made me think alot, about the way I'm responding. Or not.

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Then came night time. Even greater mind-fuck. Today is the third day of the workshop and congratulations el sa, you cried buckets with tears pouring down your eyes and snot threatening to bubble out of your nose.... right in front of 75 people. Then you proceed to cry some more in the later segment when we all had to imagine things. It wasn't really imagination. In fact, it was true. It hit right to the core, it's what I attempt to write poetry about. It's exactly everything I've mentioned before.

And it's all true.

Then to play one last game which only served to mirror the ugliest in me. And to feel a sense of disappointment and repulsiveness about yourself. Now I think I know why I pay so much (more than a thousand) for this course. And the depth it really goes.

Have you ever tried digging dirt about yourself but don't know how? Have you ever tried to understand why you do what you do? I have a million things to blog about this course. And perhaps a million speeches for toast masters I could make about this course.

But most of all, I really want to internalise all that I've learnt. And put it to use. Cos they only equip you with tools. Whether you use it or not, that's another matter.


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Now, I'm not sure whether I should a) think about the afternoon, b) think about the night-time, or c) just go to sleep.