Wednesday, May 30, 2007

OH.

MY.


GAWD.

It's just three days and now everything is crazy. This is such a weird situation to me. Somehow I just don't understand still.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Hokay.

So I've got 2 articles for say oni right down to pat.

A camp on wednesday to help facilitate.

My workshop starting this wednesday night. My tool for transformation.

My next two weekends have already been planned ahead of time. This entire week's schedule has been packed.

I have not touched my command & conqu er for ages.

A gazillion friends have visited me at S B and now more are coming today. In like 13 hours time.

I might get to go to bangkok.

August is going to be one hellavu crazy month becos of Indign ation and the preparation for it.

I'm going to be missing softball friendlies (WTF) cos of work.

I can't wait to go for retreat and film our cell group video.

I can't wait to see mark when we finally meet up.

I have just re-done my nails becos they get chipped so easily.

I need to sleep now cos I've work in 11 hours time.

I want to watch spider lilies. I hope I can get in even though it's R21.

I'm starting to plan little hints which I can drop to co-workers. To test the waters. Because the 3 girls gushing over some ang moh guy today was excrutiatingly ostracising mentally. Like yea I try to participate but you know what? I feel zilch about what you're talking about. Cute? Where got. My kind of cute is standing in front of me.

Just makes me think, after the alienating moment has passed, that it sucks to be lesbian sometimes. Oh yeah, that was my immediate thought as I fiddled with some paper bag.

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On a separate note, I hope I can be cool about everything. But not too cool that I'm cold.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

I realised that it can be extremely unnerving when girls get too physically close. It just disturbs me.... even if I might want it.

Just a bit.



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Ah, fuck it. Let's not care shall we? Not another wild-goose chase.




peace is what you need. And you know that.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Went for the talk at church last night. The one by the Rev. Me l Wh ite from the US. I'm really glad he came, and I thank God for that because it is such a rare opportunity. And you could really tell that people wanted to come and hear him speak becos for the first time ever, we ran out of chairs. People had to stand around.

And I really liked his story about the snake. It's so true isn't it? I hope some of the people who came would choose to stay on and visit us for some sundays. That it doesn't just end here. =)

Was a good night for me, but saw some unexpected people. I didn't think they would come. Heck, she ain't even christian. My first thought was, what the **** was she doing here. Omg, it was so off-putting. I did not say hi for obvious reasons. I pray that it will be the last time we end up in the same room together. Absolutely revolting. Heh.

So I stayed in the safe womb of tall men all around me. Levis is always a safe space to reside in. Talked with the boys after the event and we kidded around as usual. I realised we all have alot of chemistry in our group. Witty chemistry haha! And tonight! We are going to celebrate jerem y snr's birthday! Sushi Te h treat at vivo! Woot!!!

When I came home later, had a good talk with mom. I'm very thankful for all that she has done for me, and I know I've been a bad daughter for not appreciating what she has given me. For shouting. For taking things for granted. For pushing people around.

You keep aiming higher and searching for greener pastures, when you have not even fixed what's in your house. How do you expect yourself to be whole when your own home is broken. I really need to go back to what's real. And stop building myself a castle in the sky. Cos that all means nothing and is only a waste of time and effort.

I need to do what I know I should. And I hope the workshop next week will really change me for real. Last week, Al ex joined our cell group. And you know what I love about older, more mature friends? Is that they have so many life lessons to pass on to you, and it's like hearing wise old sages dispensing wisdom. He said that 20 years ago, he knew he was making a mistake. And 20 years on, he has never been able to correct that mistake, even though he was conscious of it. And now he really wants to get rid of it once and for all.

I want that too. I don't want to make his mistake and feel his regret. I cannot go on just trying to 'make do with things'. No more dragging my feet through life. I want to start walking, and really living.



And YOU ... is the number one thing I need to cast out.


Get behind me satan.


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Me l Wh ite said, the earlier you come to the conclusion that God loves you as you are. The better it is for you. Quit living a life that is chained to those lies. And I thank God that at least I'm no longer a slave to that ignorance. He's quite right as well... about the pointlessness of debate sometimes. That it's no point trying to convince people about what's right and wrong. People will choose to believe what they want to believe. God will come to them in time, if He does. Meanwhile, you are already a free child of God. And the one thing you can do, is to live as the Godly person you were meant to be... and that is all the proof of His love that you need.

Cos He loves me more than I could ever ask for. There is no need really, for me to write it out, or spit and say it out. Becos deeper down is a quiet consciousness of His love for me. Love that can bring tears to me. It's a feeling so great that to verbalise it is to do no justice to it's intensity.


So let's not talk about God. Let's just walk with Him.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Yesterday. Sunday.

Reverse Bungee G- ma x. And say oni basketball.

Passing catching stealing running is okay. Shooting is not haha. Bungee was fun for a while. A really short while. Resulting in the ugliest video you can ever shoot of yourself (cos they videotape your reactions during the duration of the ride).

Je an was very corny. The filipino butches are damn good basketballers. Went to Adam Road for dinner and nice sweet mango drink for me.

I can't be bothered to type nicely. Neck is aching. Must be I bend down too much during work today. Or I slouch too much in front of computer.

Cannot wait for thursday =) Another one of God's beautiful and blessed creations....(no no no, I am NOT talking about some girl. And here's another e lsa misconception: I talk alot about girls, but do I really give a damn about the ones I talk frivolously about? No. Not a single bit. What I don't say... matters.)

Sleepy.

I worry for my academics. Double or not? Change to accountancy? I hate checking my school email these days. Very tedious. Am losing my inspiration for T M, have not done a prepared speech in ages.


I feel like bathing. This room is hot and sticky. The weather sucks.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

First: You ask yourself, "why?".

Second: You never ever get an answer. Anywhere. Ever.

Third: You just accept what you are left with, without answers, without closure. Just a Question Mark on a blank slate.

Fourth: The more times you ask, "why" and get silence in return, the more you become robotic. Cold to the touch and hard inside.

Fifth: You hope you don't ever ask "why" again, or have the need to ask such pointless questions.


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There is a door, in which good and evil can enter. Do I close the door so that no evil would ever come and create harm?


But then I shut out good forever too.


Then again, after awhile, when all you see is evil through the door. Good is only an illusion. While you become numb to the evil you see, no amount of ultra-sensitivity to good, would make you see good coming.


And therein, lies the biggest temptation of all evils. To shut the door so that no good would ever come.


I just want peace. And if shutting the door would give me peace, I might just do that. No more unwanted guests in this abode.


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" So sick and tired of all the needless beating."

- My Chemical Romance.



So true.

Work today was hectic. This time they gave me the sandwich counter to man during a saturday afternoon, and it was cra-zy. So for about 1-2 hours I just stood there and made sandwiches one after another. Sometimes, there were so many that the senior part-time r had to help me cos I was drowning in orders up to my nose. Every thing had to be done so fast that I burnt my fingers from taking super-hot bread from the grill with just my hands.. cos picking up the tongs to use would slow me down a milli-second. And I have discovered three sandwiches which are nightmares to create. Roast chicken, ham & che ese and salt bee f. Because 1) they take a long time, 2) they are VERY messy.

My immediate boss is quite impartial in a way. You do wrong, she will scold, you do good, she will praise. Nothing goes unnoticed. And I realised I take alot of pride in people's recognition, and I try not to let the criticism bring me down (although I try as hell not to repeat said mistake cos it's scary to be discovered).

Later at night, when the shop had closed, I was bored and helped the bakers do some of their job, i.e. I helped brush glaze on the pastries for them. Haha, not too sure if I'm allowed to do that, but nevermind. And oh!! One grrreaat thing about doing the closing shift is that you get access to EXTREMELY FRESH baked bread. I ate a croissant right out of the oven. First time in my life. Wow. Crisp on the outside and fluffy on the inside. It's a gastronomical milestone.

And I served a pretty lady today =p.

Haha, another distraction. Distractions aren't that bad really, they are like panadols for that headache that throbs forever in the back of your head. Take one and for awhile, the world feels alright again.


--------------


And maybe, just maybe, I get to play for was abi again this year if the juniors decide to join the league. YAY!!! That would totally be awesome. But the entry fee is astronomical, and we are poor, so I'm not sure. But I sure as hell wanna play fast-pitch soft ball again. Cos just last wednesday, we did abit of fast pitch batting by coach and MAN, that is so funnnn. Especially when most of the pitches are high outside balls. My favourite type, cos you can do big swings at slower speed =D ... where you can take all the timmmme (actually less than 1 sec only) in the world for you to eye the ball... mmmm.


--------------

You know that feeling... when you see a mailer, or a notice or receive some piece of information... and that info sparks a 'eureka' moment in your head? Maybe it gave you an idea of what you can do/plan/take action... but then reality and circumstances rear their ugly head and you realise your fabulous ideas cannot work, or should not even be acted upon. That up-down roller coaster surges of emotions. From yes!.. to..f*ck.

I hate that you know.


Because I just had that, and I know deep down, how perfect it could have turned out. If only things weren't the way they are now.



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Not all opportunities that you spot in life.... belong to you for the taking.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

I *heart* lev is!! =DDD

Today was one of the most awesome cells out of the millions of awesome cells I've had. There was some seriously deep, cathartic stuff and tough questions which we discussed... which challenged the way I view myself and how general society has been developing so far. J says the most mind-blowing stuff ever.

And our banter was awfully witty today! It was almost like a sitcom, scripted speech, or a dramatic reading. I bet if we taped whatever we said today (and if you were gay) you would know what we talk about and all the insider jokes we have. Damn, we really complement each other very well!

I still remember clear as day, one poignant incident after cell.... Somehow, I just felt so much joy that day. A rare surge of happiness in which you feel that life is at its peak and there could be nothing better than this very moment I'm living now. And I felt it just as we were walking away from church and to the mrt station. I was so SO incredibly happy that I turned to the person who was talking, who happened to be mar k, who happened to be one of the really insightful guys in cell... and I just felt this incredible urge to jump onto him and give him a real hug. A genuine, I-don't-care-that-my-boobs-are-pressing-into-you kind of hug. A hug of love, gratitude. Sometimes, I think God has blessed me with this cell, a place to be nurtured in my walk with Him.

But still, some orthodox church groups might frown on the way le vis is run. We're quite radical and different. In the sense that there is no clear leader during cell sessions as we always rotate who is conducting the lessons. Whereas in most cell groups, there is always a 'fixed leader' who because of 'deeper and more proper/correct' bible knowledge, gets to lead the discussion. But in le vis we let everyone have a chance in being a shepherd, because we don't believe that one is necessarily better than the other. That just because you may have more bible knowledge than me, doesn't make you a better leader in Christ. And ultimately, it all boils down to our desire to serve. If one at least tries, and tries his best-est, I think that is enough for God already.

Another thing I love about cell is our prayer request segment, cos that is an opportunity for us to give thanks and pray, while finding out about each others' week at the same time. It's always a personal sharing and a great way to bond. Today as I talked about what has happened to me the past week, I knew from the look on their faces the trap I'm building myself already. And I know it will cause me pain one day. And they're telling me in their own ways not to do it, but to do the right thing and what God would want me to do.



What if I don't want to do the right thing?



I know I should stop making mistakes. I know that some people learn from their lessons, and some people don't. Like when you touch a hot pan, you never ever touch a hot pan again because you've been burnt before. But what if there are certain things in life whereby you will always visit and revisit time and time again, even though you've been burnt before, and you know you will be burnt again? Some others run away from the source of their pain, and never visit or enter that place again. Some others confront the source of their pain, and discover in it a place of beauty and love. Some get pricked by thorns and never ever come near a rose again. Some brave the thorns and feel the sharpness in search of the rose. They don't ever know how many pricks it takes before they finally reach the flower. But they reach it nonetheless, even though they traverse a path of pain and trials to get there.

(1) I want to run away from the thorns. But instead I find myself (2) getting pierced again, trying to clutch at the rose.

But I know both options are wrong. So wrong.


The Godly way is so much more. So much more true. It will take away in me any desire for a rose, it will end my search and I will find something so much better... than what I originally dreamt of.


Today, ale x said that he wants to hold God as the center of his universe, because he knows that is what will change him. I wish I could do that too. To surrender with complete conviction and complete will and desire. But it's so hard to let go 100%, so scary and terrifying to let myself go. It's like standing at the edge of a cliff and letting yourself fall backwards, you don't know where you're heading but the feeling in the pit of your gut is sheer terror. It's almost as fearful as death.

And I guess it's true what the Bible says.... that you have to die to yourself before you can truly be reborn in Christ. In every Christian we have our own resurrection just as Jesus first shown us. To die in order to live. So tonight, after cell, I prayed probably my longest prayer to God ever. Because I know that life is a gift and every moment of living and breath that I draw, is a gift. And I don't want to be like others, who take their gifts for granted, their gifts of existence on this earth, who don't realise that life is a precious, fragile, small and limited intangible that is worth more than anything else in this world. I'm young now, and that's a chance that God is giving me, not to waste these moments of life that He has granted me. I do not want to wait till I'm much older (and therefore much wiser) to learn how to truly live.

Le on's msn nick is so true: you die when you finally learn to live. I do not want to wait till much later to learn how to live in God, to live for Him and to experience the real joy that only He can give. I do not want to be a slave to this world as so many youths and young adults tend to be. I want to have that epiphany and that genuine belief on what real happiness entails. And what it will take for me to get it. The thought that I'm wasting every moment with this 'lifestyle', in which I just 'attempt to get on by' but I'm not really living... just disturbs me. Must I be like most people? To grow up angsty, idealistic, then to become jaded and stoic and finally to serenity and peace in old age? No! I want my peace now. I want to find rest in my soul.


And for that I must die to myself in order to be renewed forever in His light. It's just like the toilet incident in a way... but this time, it's an internal war that I've to wage. And that makes it a million times harder.



How.


Do you convince a heart which feeds on the false goodies of this world, that it's hunger can only be filled by a love so intangible. A heart which knows the answer to the question even before it dares to ask itself why.

How do I learn to gain the maturity I need... which is light-years away from my natural achievement of it.



How do I learn how to live and let go of everything wrong.



How do I learn how to let go and stop clutching the stem of that rose, which thorns prick into me and will continue hurting for every single moment that I cling onto it.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Abit slow reaction but....

Last wednesday (or was it tuesday? I don't know it feels like an eternity has passed since I started work), met up with Ro s and Gayl e for some chit-chat. I was sooo utterly exhausted from work that I could barely keep awake while waiting for them at starbucks. Had a deep time talking to them. Really deep stuff we shared. I like that =) There aren't many people I can talk to about family, becos sometimes, it's so much more scary than being gay.

And I've realised that there is no such thing as normal. There is no such thing as a normal family. Everyone is dysfunctional. In fact, the more picture-perfect it may seem, the more there is deep rot at the core. And we all have our own demons to tackle.

Sometimes, as outsiders, other peoples' problems seem so easy and so trivial to solve. But the the distance of an observer is comforting, cos the hardest pain to bear is your own. And you don't have to bear the burden of others' pain, cos your problems are the only pain you feel.

What happens then, when you watch someone suffer more than you? Someone really close. What happens when you get a glimpse of much worse pain and it just extremely disturbing for you... that others can suffer much worse.

That you, for all your pain, is the most blessed amongst those around you?

Do I thank God? Or question why does He do this?



I don't know.


------------

Last thursday, there was the talk about christianity and homosexuality. The dialogue between the 'for' and 'against' camp for homosexuality. I like the opinions I heard, both good and bad. There was this testimonial from an 'ex-lesbian' who changed with the help of her christian ministry. 80% of her talk was about how she became gay cos of lack of motherly love. Gosh I rolled my eyeballs like a jackpot. Sometimes, they give the silliest, most irrational, illogical reasons for being gay. Like hello? My mommy gave me all the love and attention I could ask for in this world, so WHY am I lesbian? I didn't have a so-called lack of motherly love.

Then there was another idiot who asked this question: what is the function of an anus and a mouth? Is it to give and receive pleasure? Then I ask you back sir, why is it that there is a g-spot in every male and female in the rectum and why do girls have clitoris for? Like hello? And why do they call it homosexual sex when heterosexual people engage in these things all the time?

AND WHY CAN'T PEOPLE GET OVER THE FACT THAT HOMOSEXUALITY IS NOT ABOUT SEX.

And the 'love the sinner, hate the sin' cliche is so illogical. I think rev yap put it in the best way. You can't separate romantic love from desire. Your sexual desires is an extension of your sexual orientation, so if you tell people to be celibate, they can't!~ We all have that sexual instinct in all of us. In fact, it's unnatural if you have not a single blip of sexual desire in you. It's like telling a person, you can live without walking. Yes, we could live without sex, if a man with his legs blown off can live without his legs. But do you think it's ever by choice to live without walking? It's just an act of survival by forced circumstances, not voluntary. Same goes for those who call for homosexual celibacy. One can't be voluntarily celibate unless one represses extremely strongly and imho, unhealthily. I don't think God intended for us to have anything less than the human experience that we are meant to have. If not, why put us on this earth? Why make us the WAY WE ARE? You can't COMPLETELY deny nature which is ultimately God-given. But what would make us Godly and righteous in His eyes is how we learn self-control and restraint and sensibleness, that our given nature will not overtake us becos there is only one God to worship and we shouldn't worship other things or desires.

But that does not mean you deny yourself completely. You can't fully cut off your nature.

(As for the celibacy of catholic priests, I ain't gonna debate on that cos that's for catholics to decide. Protestant pastors can marry and have spouses so there is no issue here.)

So if someone says I can love other girls but not express that love? That's like telling me I have legs to use but I am not allowed to walk. Becos my way of walking is wrong, even though in my human experience, it's the only way I know how to walk for it is the most natural style that comes to me.

Do I crawl on my knees then? While others walk free in their own ways becos their's is 'morally and socially' correct in their opinions but mine isn't?

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But I really liked that dr tan from the 'against' camp, even though technically, he is not on my side. He mentioned some truths which I totally agree about, and I thought he was very eloquent. That we have to be a biblical witness and the timelessness of the bible. I totally agree, and I can also see how BOTH sides of the camp sometimes interpret the passages according to our own conveniences. Who's right? Who's wrong? Who can really proclaim they know the Truth or what God intended?

But God gave me a heart and a mind to think. And the deeper I probe down the darkening tunnel, the more I find an unshakeable rock within me.

That God gave me the gift of being able to love and it is a present, not a shame to be despised and spat on. For it is not those 6 passages, the pro and con arguements, the different theologies that convince me in the end.... but His love.

Sometimes, when I look back at the path I've trod and the things that have happened, I sometimes wonder if God planned it all. All the lessons, all the friends I've made, all the blessings and all the growth... because I have exorcised that demon of conflict within me. To learn that life holds no purpose for me once I try to abandon Him. And to finally COME TO THE FATHER genuinely and truthfully in all my bareness for the first time. To be able to say yes God I'm gay... to Him, and know that all is well.



For I am loved beyond compare, despite the undeserving wretch that I am.



Beyond compare.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Now that I've started work, the jeremys in le vis keep cracking 'bread' jokes these days.

Some of my favourites:

"Darling, would you like me to spread my buns?"
"Check out my loaves/rolls/buns"
"Butter me up baby"
"How would you like your buns spread?"
"Knead that dough."
"Want a bite/taste?"



Now now, I've got to work tomorrow and I've already planned my lunch menu. Haha. It will be low-fat and simple. Salad. Cos if I eat a sandwich a day for every day I work, I will go crazy even though it's delicious.

(Actually, no, I'm more worried about the carbs....)

Coming out is like walking on new air. It's like pushing yourself out of the water from a swimming pool, feeling all that baggage slip away, baggage which previously dragged you down. All gone now.

I'm free.

And after hearing the y outh talk today at PP C. I'm so glad for doing all that I've done so far. No regrets. No more fear.

I don't live in fear anymore. And I know what true freedom tastes like, to wear your heart on your sleeve, and to have the people around you eventually love you as the way you are... although the process is never instant and it was never without tears.

I do intend to tell my co-workers one day, especially the ones my age. Why? Becos I feel like it. And when V talks about guys, I want to discuss girls instead. Besides, this is f&b, surely I'm not the first they've seen. Haha, I hope so for my sake actually.

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God loves me the way I am. And no one. NO ONE, will ever take that away from me.

Friday, May 11, 2007

An article I read. Food for thought, but don't just chew on it and spit it out. Consume it.

I want to know how to want You the way I should.

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"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength."(Mark 12:30 TNIV)

Commentary: Does God Prefer Steaks?

In Genesis 4:1-7 God seems incredibly unfair. Two brothers, Cain and Abel, bring their offerings. One brings "some of the fruits of thesoil..." (v. 3 TNIV). The other brings "fat portions of the first born of his flock..." (v. 4 TNIV).

God accepted Abel and his offerings but not the offerings of his brother.

Why did God do that? Was He in the mood for steak that day and therefore rejected the salad?

Was it to demonstrate His absolute freedom to do whatever He liked, a chance to show that "Life is unfair but God is free? (Walter Brueggemann, Genesis, Atlanta: John Knox, 1982, p.56)?"Was it because God demands blood sacrifice, and farmer or shepherd,you have to come before Him with an animal sacrifice? Doesn't seem tosay so in the text.

The book of Hebrews gives us this summary of the transaction --- "Byfaith Abel brought God a better offering than Cain did. By faith hewas commended as righteous, when God spoke well of his offerings. And by faith Abel still speaks, even though he is dead" (TNIV) --- but itonly begs the question. In what way did Abel demonstrate his faith?

The answer is simple and is found in the text. Bruce Waltke summarises it this way:

"In actuality, the key to Cain's failure is found in the narrator's careful descriptions of Cain and Abel's tribute. Cain brings 'some ofthe fruits.' There is no indication these are the first or the best. Abel brings the best, fat from 'the firstborn.' Cain's sin is tokenism. He looks religious, but in his heart he is not totallydependent on God, childlike, or grateful."(Genesis, Grand Rapids:Zondervan, 2001, p.97)

In our day of cholesterol phobia, we may not recognize the significant of "fat" in biblical times. In ancient times, the fat was considered the choicest part of the animal. And the firstborn was the most important part of the flock. So the fat of the firstborn is the best of the best.

Cain did his religious duty. But his heart was not in it. Abel'sworship was intentional. He loved the Lord with all his heart, soul and strength (Deuteronomy 6:5). He gave the best of his best. And Godsays that is the only worship acceptable. How could we even imagine even for a minute that the Almighty would accept token worship? Or be fooled by those going through the motions?

Even on our best day the best of our best would not be good enough for God. But He sees the trajectory of our hearts. He is even willing toaccept two fishes and five loaves (John 6:9), or even "a fraction of a penny" (Mark 12:41-44)) --- if the heart is right.

I preached on this passage last Sunday and as always, it is thespeaker who most needs to hear the message. I have been a follower of Jesus since 1969 --- time enough for Christianity to be just a part of my life, time enough for tokenism to creep in. What is worse I am also a bible teacher, which means I handle the scriptures and talk about the holy all the time. I run the danger of seeing God as just part of my job. God help me.

I also have a different concern. I fear that people will read this piece and throw themselves into more church activism. Too many churches seem to equate giving our best to God with giving our best to the church. Some pastors use such bible passages to get their membersto do more to propagate their church programmes. Giving our best to God is not equivalent to burning out for Him.

If we are serious about giving our best to God, neither apathy nor guilt driven activism will be acceptable. If indeed it is our heart that God wants then we should ask the Lord to tutor our hearts. We need to be yoked/reyoked with Him (Matthew 11:28-30) and learn from Him what precisely He expects from us. What we cannot do is go through life careless as to how we relate to Him.

Each morning when we awake, we have a choice to make. What will we bring to the altar? We can bring lip service and tokenism. Or we can pour out our lives as a drink offering (2 Timothy 4:6). It appears there is no middle path.

Give of your best to the Master;
Give Him first place in your heart.
Give Him first place in your service;
Consecrate every part.(Give Of Your Best to the Master, Grose & Barnard)

Your brother,Soo-Inn Tan

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GAYLE!!!!! You KNOW we love ya!

Had gayle's surprise birthday party at NY DC last sunday. Her church friends and us sc girls turned up. Big table big group and lotsa food and warmth. We gossiped and joked and I really enjoyed seeing them after being busy for so long. It's so good to meet familiar people again.

After the dinner, we cut the cake and I thought we should go over the top, so I smashed cake into gayle's face haha! Then she got really inflamed and came after me with cake in her hands. So there we were outside Hee ren, struggling and wrestling as she tried to smash cake back into my face =) ... and making alot of nuisance noise and laughter in the process. I let her 'smear' cake on 'chosen spots' on my face later as a truce. Haha, if it was at her home, I think it would have degenerated into an all-out cake fight but we 'restrained ourselves' becos we didn't want to get our clothes dirty.

Before that had softball meeting and basketball with the say oni girls again. And reverse bungee was cancelled cos E fell sick =/

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Started out on my new job now =D Quite fun, ALOT of things to learn, very physical (I am so going to lose weight), very gluttonous (I am so going to gain weight). In fact, today I had scrambled eggs with tomato, raisin sultana swirl, prune and cheese roll..... all eaten slowly between 9-11am. Lunch was this big salad. Then I had an ice chocolate drink, black coffee, one large square of freshly baked butter cake for tea. To top it off, I took away a tuna sandwich for dinner, which is so huge and filling I can only eat half of it. Basically, you can eat almost everything they sell, just ask (actually no, most of the time, people will offer you and the bakers always let us have try the new cakes). You can make any drink, sandwich or cooked food for consumption, and I think you can bring home leftover bread too cos they throw everything away at the end of the day.

The food's amazing. Seriously. Lunch for monday and tuesday was awesome. And it's very wholesome too.

The people there are quite nice, in fact the most experienced part-timer there is this super-enthusiastic girl who is hilarious. And she's mad about Mam bo. The rest of the part-timers are 19 years old, just finished A levels and mostly from jc.

Work is fun but tiring =p And I suck at cutting cheese..... but wrapping bread is cool! Fold super fast like fold clothing, then flick out the paper bag and zip it in! Pass to customer and give your best fake smile! =D

Saturday, May 05, 2007

harder than flesh

you know the flesh is easy. it's the rest
that's hard -- the balance of identity / society
/ morals / desire

: the thrumming behind your knees
that lingers days after you leave him
at the airport, nightly phonecalls
only sharpening the ache

: the edgy scent of a dark woman's
perfume, the recognition
you could take a new lover.

every mouth, every bloodletting, every
blistering failure and unearned success
gave you something you need here

so you will choose -- now.
in the instant of decision.
with her rapidly walking away.
knowing that to be one is simpler
than to be two, that those
who desire both, all, even together,
live in the liminal spaces
outside the comfort of labels
and limits

knowing you are too many
for the minimization, too broad
for the boxes

: could call yourself gay
except the man perched in the lobby
of your heart has grown essential
to your breathing

: could call yourself straight
except the woman in the fourth row
has a collarbone that makes your lips quiver

so you will choose.

when the man in the pickup yells
DYKE and your arms circles tighter
the waist of the woman
not yet your lover

when the gorgeous butch at the bar says
so what are you? and you know
what honesty will cost you

when the voices in your gut insist the words
you have raised instead of children
will never outlast your brief tenure
in the spotlight

when you know you could never be enough for all
you would die for
and keep fighting anyway

you will choose

knowing morning is not optional
but waking is bravery

knowing the man in the pickup has a cousin
gathering the courage to come out
and she will hear you speak
two Mondays from now
and her chin will rise a bit

knowing all you can do
to get through this day
without running into the woods
or rush hour traffic is choose

what connects your gut to your spine to your heart

refusing to sacrifice any facet of your sexuality
on the altar of any cause, wearing the proof
of your life in the price your loud pen will exact

knowing this life is an argument with darkness : a battle
to believe that morning holds something
worth waking for : something harder
than flesh

-Marty McConnell

Elsa's going to be happy.

Elsa's going to be wonderful! Positive! Brimming with infectious energy!

Elsa's going to be over the top! Extravagant! Grand.

Elsa's going to be number 1 again! Elsa's going to continue upping her GP A, Elsa's going to win more TM medals! Elsa's going to achieve new heights! Elsa's going to do more.

Elsa's going to have a gooood time. Meet more people. More fabulous people!

Elsa's going to have a ball of a time at St Jame s again one day!

Elsa's going to be loved by everyone around her! Elsa's going to love everyone around her!

Elsa's going to have so many good things going on in her life! Elsa's going to see that many good things are already going on in her life!

Elsa's going to look good! Elsa's going to feel good!

Elsa's going to become a better person! Elsa's going to be amazing, changed, one-of-a-kind!

Elsa's going to be free. Free like a bird, free of her thoughts, of her prison.


She's going to have a brand new day tomorrow, once the workshop is over.

Elsa's going to change... she's going to be all she ever wanted to be ... and more.




I can't wait for the new elsa, can you? It just needs to be incubated.



------------

Can't wait for reverse bungee. Becos from this point of view right now, there is nothing to lose.

Do you mean what you say
Take a bow, the night is over
This masquerade is getting older
Lights are low, the curtains down
There's no one here
[There's no one here, there's no one in the crowd]
Say your lines but do you feel them
Do you mean what you say when there's no one around [no one around]
Watching you, watching me, one lonely star
[One lonely star you don't know who you are]

I've always been in love with you [always with you]
I guess you've always known it's true [you know it's true]
You took my love for granted, why oh why
The show is over, say good-bye

Say good-bye [bye bye], say good-bye

Make them laugh, it comes so easy
When you get to the part
Where you're breaking my heart [breaking my heart]
Hide behind your smile, all the world loves a clown
[Just make 'em smile the whole world loves a clown]
Wish you well, I cannot stay
You deserve an award for the role that you played [role that you played]
No more masquerade, you're one lonely star
[One lonely star and you don't know who you are]

I've always been in love with you [always with you]
I guess you've always known it's true [you know it's true]
You took my love for granted, why oh why
The show is over, say good-bye

Say good-bye [bye bye], say good-bye

All the world is a stage [world is a stage]
And everyone has their part [has their part]
But how was I to know which way the story'd go
How was I to know you'd break
[You'd break, you'd break, you'd break]
You'd break my heart

I've always been in love with you
[I've always been in love with you]
Guess you've always known
You took my love for granted, why oh why
The show is over, say good-bye

Say good-bye [bye bye], say good-bye
Say good-bye

------ Madonna, "Take a Bow"


-----------------

Dig yourself a pit of death
My coffin's ready and waiting
After one last breath
I'll be dead man walking

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Sometimes, I don't know what to think of those who claimed that they have gotten out of homosexuality.

I really don't know what to think of these people. Those who believe and tell the world that they are genuinely at a happier place, that they have truly gotten rid of their feelings. Of cos, all the psychologists say its not true, reparative therapy never works and people only manage to change their behaviour but not their orientation itself... which is the root.

And it disturbs me sometimes when I read of their stories on the net, about how they overcame it through the grace of God. Then I wonder if they are victims instead, or if I should respect who they are and the choices that they make. Or whether... 10-20 years down the road, these people are going to end up exploding like a dormant volcano after all that repression. Or be emotionally scarred.

Why is there a need for change? Why do these people have to subject themselves to such torment? Why can't they learn to love who they are?

Why can't they ever realise, that God never intended for them to tear themselves apart trying to be straight??

-----------

Sometimes I wonder how you are now. Sometimes I wonder if you are indeed happy. (Not happier than me or what, I don't wish to compare... but just genuinely happy). I wonder if you would genuinely love the girl that you would meet. And not just love becos that's what you're supposed to be feeling.

I remember what it used to be like last time. We. I have all my respect for you. No doubt about that. But sometimes,


I wonder.



Do you love freely?

OMG!

Official results are OUT today! And... my GPA actually increased. Omg, praise the Lord, THANK YOU!! Thank You father you give me more than I can ask for. Wow, I'm still abit stumped about it. Sat there and stared at the screen for damn long, abit surreal, not really believing. Then jumping wildly for joy. Yeah baby yeahhh!!! Scholarship here I come!!!

Now I got to rush application in 3 days time before Sunday. The admin is going to kill me for rushing them. But I didn't realise that closing date was going to be so soon. Urgh. I really hope I make it. Or else I don't know when's the next chance I'll get. I need to pray for this.... a few thousand a year is much needed cash in the piggy.

Why? Becos today, I just agreed to a thousand dollar self-discovery workshop using my mom's credit card. I need to seriously pay her back.

And I really hope I'll be able to resolve my issue in this workshop.


Or else I'm just going to drive myself insane.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Had cell at J's place at HV today. We ate lunch together and did the study, and planned our very own Le vis service in church. Yes! Our cell is going to 'host' a church service, meaning we're going to be in charge of every part of the service from message to communion to refreshments. AND. We are going to film a video of ourselves at Sentosa.... we even planned a campy and queeny 'count-down' method for the film already.

Is levis cool or is levis cool?? Man, I love my cell haha.

-----------------

Been reflecting on family lately... and I think

My mommy rocks. Really.

You know what I totally love about the way my mom parents me? She sets no limits at all. I could do whatever I want. Anytime anywhere. Go out late, up to you. Use the car, not when mommy is using, I can have it. You wanna pursue this? You can. You need money? Take as much as you want.

But becos there is no boundaries, I have to learn how to set my own. And so I get to create my own rules. And sometimes I think, my own limits are not that far off from what mommy has in mind for me anyway. I try not to stay out too late, or too often, and I keep track of every single cent I spend. She didn't have to force it down my throat... these rules... but somehow, a little nudge here and there, and I do it of my own accord. That's called "subtle parenting" I think. And becos there is no official rules, there is no reason for me to rebel in any way. So that means I will always stay loyal to her, but it also guilt-trips me when I go overboard sometimes.

I wonder though, where all her trust in me comes from. Cos I haven't exactly been the model daughter. But for what it's worth (and I'm not sure if she knows completely what she's doing, by building no fence around me), I think she's cool =)

How's that for a mother who... on top of trying (emphasis is on attempt here) to educate you about lesbian sex and suggests romantic places to bring your 'future girlfriend'

... treats you like an independent adult?

Yay for the mother. Her special day is coming soon. I think I might buy that Chocz discounted cakes using my matri card. Hmmm....



And maybe I should sms her "I love you" more often.


Thank You Lord, for the angels you put in my life. How could I ever ask for more?