Monday, April 30, 2007

Went to St James Power house last night with the boys. O M G

It was abit surreal at first, becos the entire queue was ALL MEN. I was the only girl. Now I kind of know what men feel like when they go for lesbian parties and discover themselves sticking out like a sore thumb. But as the queue grew longer and when we entered the club, there were actually quite a number of girls coming for gay night. Probably fag hags and girls who come just for the music and the men.

Later, G bought me a drink! =D Ribena Vodka. And some of us tried bourbon coke, which was.... disgusting >.< style="font-weight: bold;">KICKS ASS. It kicks the ass out of zouk and the ass out of lesbian parties. Gosh, the men really know how to dance, and dance well and erotically at that. Quite a few took off their shirts on the podium, and it was hard bods everywhere.

And the MUSIC.

OMG.

Usually house music sucks, but this house music, omg it was out of this world. Like me and the guys arrived really early cos we wanted the early-bird free entry status and so we just sat near the dancefloor waiting for the party to heat up. And gosh, the dj was spinning really groovy tunes with such beat that makes you start jiving on your seat already. Best house music I've ever heard. Heck, best club music I've ever heard. And the boys loved it too!

The lights show was really fantastic and very trance-like, it almost feels like a rave. And the dancefloor was slightly bigger and the whole club was flooded with psychedelic strobe lights. Even if it was a 3/4 empty club and at 1030pm, I can't wait to hit the floor already.

The dancing was damn fun! Haha! And even better, you can dirty-dance/touch the boys and they know it's all platonic. Unlike in les parties, if you do that to your friend, she might go and get the wrong idea -_-. On my way back from the toilet to the dance floor, I saw this shirtless guy who was really built and muscular, total male fantasy kind of look... and I just had to feel that. So I ran my hand down his bicep =D He turned around, gave me a cheeky look haha. Wowee!

Oh, and did I mention that the boys can dance??? It was like a show man, watching some of the guys groove. Absolutely slutty at times but it was all smooth. And they didn't even need alcohol to get the courage to go onto the dancefloor. However, the sucky thing about gay parties is the men take up SOOO much space, being so hunky and all. It was packed like sardines on the dance floor. And since most of the guys were wayyy taller than me. I tell you, it was hard to breathe at my level haha. Oh, and it was so squeezy I lost count how many times I got my feet stepped on, or got bumped into some solid-rock body.

We danced for about 2+ hours and then left cos KW had to go first. I was damn shagged and my legs ached but it was... phwoooarrr, very ear-numbing and mind-screwing. Had to splash water on my face to get myself out of the dazed mode I was in, so that I can drive home. And when I was back, goodness I was still in St James mode haha. Still am.

And I did learn abit of trivia from the boys last night ... Do you know that Mam bo was initially a gay night? Then the straight people started coming in and it turned into a mostly straight thing. And even so, every Mam bo, there is always a 'gay corner'. Even M O S started out as a gay club in the West, which grew into a brand. Heheh, I don't know but I think the gay guys got it right when it comes to clubbing. Seriously, gay clubbing is more entertaining than lesbian clubbing. Haven't had this much fun since my first Z ouk experience.

Right now, I'm still thinking of last night. Photos going to be uploaded on flickr soon. I am very happy about the fact that I only spent $4 last night. $2 for parking fee, $2 for locker. Maybe some petrol cost as well, but right now, clubbing is becoming... affordable....

Can't wait to go St James again!!!! *runs amok*

Sunday, April 29, 2007

I want to be simple again.

To wake up every morning and think about how I'm going to spend the day playing with my sister. Would it be the playground? Would it be soft toys on the bed? Would it be splash around in the tub?

To wake up every morning with the unspoken assurance that my parents were infallible symbols of perfection. That they could do no wrong, and every word they spoke was the Holy Grail.

I want to be simple again.

And not think about the big issues of life, about deep things like why do I exist, why does God do this to me, and search and scratch for meaning in everything that happens to me. Trying to make sense of it all. I just want to live through it nonchalantly. To not care.

And not ponder and look out for patterns in my life. To see and realise that certain cycles keep occurring, and that I fall into those cycles again and again. Stupidly dangerously foolishly. Even though I know that you are a cycle I cannot repeat. But I can't help it. I have no control.

I want to be simple again.

When my self has not yet awoken to the desires of this world.

When I was still the good person I know I am.


(But now I know I'm not wholly good, and that is one of the scariest things I've ever learnt about myself)

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Today was the 7th session of the y OUT h group. We had it in conjunction with the parent/family talk at Mo x, organised by S A F E.

It was really good, and the speakers really gave me hope. I also learnt alot of things, like how the way I'm acting now isn't helping matters with the family. And also learnt about what I, everyone else, needs to do when they come out to family.

There was even a father who spoke about his lesbian daughter. That. Was so utterly cool. And to hear it from a man, a father, the one parent whom most of us never ever come out to (if we even come out to our moms at all) was totally heart-warming. And the things the speakers say, about how much they love their children in the end, no matter what person they are, almost brought tears to my eyes.

And deep down, no matter how parents act, bad or good. They do it becos they love us. And all too often, we underestimate our parents' capacity to understand us. We get impatient, we get unreasonable, and expect immediate acceptance from them. But no. Acceptance is a road which takes many years, but in the end, what you have is a closer parent-child relationship.

And no matter what obstacles stand in the way of your parent accepting you (be it religion or conservatism or whatever), the only way you can overcome them is to prove to them that you are still the same (or even better) person that you were before you came out. To show by example that being gay doesn't make you a bad person.

One mother, spoke of how it pained her that before her son came out... He wore a mask. It was this armour, this protective distance that she always sensed from him. Whatever he told her, it was coated with this layer of detachment. It wasn't honest, it wasn't personal, intimate. And that was what hurt her the most. That she couldn't understand the very child she birthed. And how when he finally came out, although it was a rough road towards acceptance, she now feels as though she has 'met' her son and finally understood him. She saw a change in him, from this stranger to her child who was now flowering with personality. And she's so thankful for it.

I've always had this problem: That I had immense difficulty relating to my family. Like I can tell the whole gay world my heart-felt problems and my inner-most thoughts, but I can't even tell my family what I did today in my life. I just can't. It's totally... weird... contrived and forced for me to share anything with them. I didn't think they could understand, nor did I think it mattered that they should know about it.

Sometimes, I think it's got to do with my 'hiding myself from them' when I was still closeted. Like I wouldn't tell my sister or mother stuff about myself in case it created suspicions about my sexuality. And it was so irrational a fear that I didn't tell anything at all. Safer that way. So I stopped talking. About the things that really mattered. I would talk about the weather, about the other family members, about what we are going to do as a family this weekend. But I won't tell you what happened to me today, or who my friends are or what I do when I hang outside or the interesting things I've experienced. Becos it might point to my 'gay-ness' somehow.

And even though I'm now out to them and have no reason whatsoever to hide. You can just turn off behaviour that has been deep-seated for so many years. I can't stop doing something which has been second nature to me already, which is to be silent. But the past is not an excuse for me. I have a choice. I can remedy things. I don't have to self-destruct into the detached and completely removed daughter. I don't have to cut off until I reach the point of no return.

But I know it's going to be tough. Hell yes. To friends, I talk alot. Maybe that's why I talk alot to other people as well. Cos it's my only outlet. But I've gotta change. It's going to take alot out of me. Trying to speak to my family. You might think it's totally silly, that it should be simple to speak. Oh, but you have no idea what it's like for me. I get tongue-tied. Seriously.

At least however, acknowledging your problem is the first step already. Now I just need to force myself to do seemingly 'unpleasant' things.

Still.

I wish though... that I brought mommy here today. So that she can hear it from the speakers themselves.

---------------

Had dinner with the family after the talk.

We. Are. Seriously. Dysfunctional.

No one spoke while eating becos of a previous arguement which I was totally unaware of since I was with the youths beforehand.

I don't know... Looking at my family sometimes, I've seriously got to be the most 'normal'. How ironic eh?

Dad = ******* who is eating his way to a grave, who I suspect has a skeleton MORE scandalous than mine.

Mom = perfectionist, masochistic mom who tries for ideals and sacrifices practicality, who also harbours a skeleton as scandalous as mine.

Sis = the queen of us all, she has the most problems. More than you could imagine. More than I would wish on anybody.

Me ?? I'm just gay. That's all. Nothing compared to the other family skeletons. Whenever I ask God for more, all I have to do is look at my other family members, and know that I'm being too greedy in life.


Becos I have so much more already. And the 'cross that I carry' for being gay? That's the lightest burden compared to everyone else.


-----------

Mom said, "I wish life was simpler....". Damn right.


I wish my family was simpler. Just like everyone else's.

Watch and laugh till you puke:

Music Vids
http://youtube.com/watch?v=bwbO1LRRumI
http://youtube.com/watch?v=yNgZs68Qr5E&mode=related&search=

Parodies of shows
http://youtube.com/watch?v=w3-WzqfbVHU
http://youtube.com/watch?v=yNgZs68Qr5E&mode=related&search=
http://youtube.com/watch?v=plUPHJtbggc&mode=related&search=
http://youtube.com/watch?v=TmKbCtI9sHA
http://youtube.com/watch?v=dJmU7KfYIrA&mode=related&search=

You are who you are
And I wouldn't want to change a thing
In spite of, all the pain that love can bring
Tell me, what can I do?
I'm so in love with you.

---- Madonna, The Confession Tour, "Erotica"

Friday, April 27, 2007

Art on a boring day. Sketched with pencil using my Cruel Inten tions soundtrack CD as a guide. Click on it!

Sm u softball blog is up! Hee....

Project Ne pal looks cool, went for their talk today. Power.

Stocks and shares are damn confusing. My brain is pickled.

My butt hurts from gym and my tummy is burning hot with kahlua and soya rice milk mix.

Next Wednesday I shall walk down the whole of the Bt timah stretch with y ing, for nostalgia's sake. Maybe pop into Cor duroy & Fin ch and ask if they have a vacancy. The place is freaking cool.

Next month I am finally going to have my N j gathering, when all the NU S/NT U people are released from their prisons.

I want to eat Botak Jon es again. And play mahjong some time.

There's a new gay club opening tomorrow night, called Toca Me. At 95 Club street. Mi ch told me.



I'm bored.

Sometimes I wonder whether it's a good idea to talk about your problems or whether it's just time to shut up and push it down. Becos talking about things only make you feel better. Temporarily. And you smile and laugh and bond over food and drinks but you still come home to an empty room and have to face yourself. And your demons.

I hate the feeling of being chained. A dog on a leash without freedom. I hate being a slave to all the things I feel and to know that there are parts of me which are bare and blank like a slate. And becos of the things I feel I start doing stupid things, seeking and reveling in all the wrong answers. Thinking that this will be my path to freedom, that I will wake up the next day changed and renewed, and maybe... finally free. But no. I keep going back to the old habits, being absorbed in the problem, or being so distracted by so many things that I run far away from the wound that I want to heal.

I used to think my body and its wants was meant to be conquered. That it's another of the devil's schemes working inside of me, bringing me further away the real me. Maybe not so. Maybe this body was created by God and all that I feel is created by Him as well. And becos he is the One True Answer for me... I have to take that leap of faith and trust completely.

But it's so hard sometimes, to let go of your control and place everything in His hands, that He will take care of you and shine His light in every corner of darkness in your heart. I search for happiness in all the wrong places, just as how others do. Some people think that fulfilling their dreams and ambitions will make them happy. Some others think that as long as they have a lover by their side, they will become happy. Some fill their lives with friendships and people and merry-making, thinking that the temporary highs will translate to lasting happiness. Some people try to find their happiness in art or literature or animals. Whatever rocks their boat.

But what if you've finally grasped your ideal of happiness, and realise that it was nothing but an illusion? I haven't, but I know that what I chase are all illusions of happiness. And I also know what will really make me happy. But it's just so tough to give myself completely. And I keep wishing, stubbornly, that my 'dreams' will make me happy when I reach them. But in it's chase, and the wearing down of resolve that I feel, I know I'm only digging myself a hole of melancholy, by chasing false happiness.





I wish.


I wish I could trust that God is enough for me.

Went with em y to check out bota k jones yesterday. Good food, nice beer laters at Holland Vi llage. Great chatting. Another blip on my radar to distract me.

While talking, I came to the realisation that I sometimes make bad first impressions on people. Like when em y first met me, she said all I could talk about was jokes and usually they're crude sexual ones. And that she had this 'errrr...' *speechless* impression about me. Then I remembered that J once said that I wasn't like that when I first came to church, but after mixing with the gay guys so much, I started to change and become abit like them. I'm not surprised actually, cos when I'm with the guys we'll often talk in the bawdy and direct way that men do.

And becos they are so open and so comfortable with each other, it doesn't worry anyone of us that we would say something offensive or tasteless or inappropriate. Cos we don't judge each other. And it's with some of the le vis guys that I dare to be my true self sometimes. I dare to show the ugly side of myself, the one with all the prejudices and biases. We all have ugliness in ourselves, but becos of social decorum, we hide them. And I love utterly the people who can take the 'me' which is stripped bare of niceties.

I suppose becos of my experience with the guys, I thought crude jokes is the way to go. The way to bond. Cos whenever I say something funny and everyone laughs, I can feel us getting closer. There are two ways to bond with people a) through sharing and b) through laughter. Sharing is obvious and direct. But laughter, I think, is the stronger although more subtle method than the former. I can even see it in my project groups in sm u. Everytime we laugh, I feel us connecting. But when we share about ourselves, it's a slower, longer process towards that feeling of togetherness.

And so whenever I meet new people for the first time or are just getting to know them, I try to make them laugh (hopefully) so that somewhere, somehow, I can build a bridge between us. Some people like it, some people don't. Some others, worse still, might write me off becos of what I say initially. But if that's the case, then too bad for them I say? Becos I'm more than the side of me you see. Just like when you look at a ball, you can only see part of the surface of that ball, but not the 360degrees, complete spherical dimensions of that ball.

Different people see different sides of me. Most of the time, they'll see the joker, superficial side first. Then if circumstances permit and we get to interact more, than maybe they'll see my serious side. Which is closer to my heart really. I wish sometimes that I could show others more fully who I am, and not just certain sides that they happen to see. Becos I detest it when people think they know me. There's a million things which happen to me in my life which I don't talk about (or talk cryptically here) which defines me better. But just becos maybe they read this blog or they've talked to me, they think they know the full sum of who I am. What crap.

Like those who say I only go for people with looks. Totally not true. Becos if you've known the people that I've loved. Really loved. You would know that for me, beauty counts for nothing, in the end. And which makes it so much more painful really. Becos that is so much harder to get over.

And sometimes, I act in ways which people predict me to act. Like how sometimes towards the lu sh girls, I'm like this xiao mei mei who has totally no street smarts, completely useless cluesless, goofy and just needs food to shut up. And sometimes I act exactly like that becos it's easier, it's what amuses them. It entertains.

But that's not the real el sa.


I think this is the same for many others. That people never really see us completely. They only see certain sides and base their final perception of each other on such a limited view. Maybe it's tougher for the jokes becos they do what pleases first. And show what's real later. Given time. We're all like onions really. Peel one layer at a time, and you get closer to the naked core. And if we're lucky enough, we'll catch a true-er glimpse of the real you and me.


So how much have we peeled each other lately? Hmmm

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Today was our l tb gathering at ECP. I'm amazed it actually materialised heheh, considering how tough it was to pin down a date and all the messy, itty-bitty details we had to settle.

It is also *shock!* *awe!* ... the first sm u project group outing I've had. Quite sad heh? None occurred last semester, maybe it's becos the group people weren't memorable or we didn't have enough bonding. Oh wells, at least today's outing was not bad =) Even the T A joined in.

It was supposed to a BBQ at ECP, so everyone contributed some food and necessities and we were happily getting started on the BBQ at 7+ when it started to rain.... half an hour later. -_- We barely ate and cooked the food when it started pouring really REALLY heavily. Becos we had no wet weather plan, and were to lazy to think of one even though we heard thunder/saw lightning and knew it was going to rain....everyone was drenched to the bone and food had to be abandoned mid-cooking.

I didn't even get to cook the chicken wings properly, which is a sad thing cos the marinade is from reg's recipe and I knew it would be really good. The potential was there but sadly, sigh....

In the end, we bundled up in cars and evacuated to WR's house, where we ate J's food and didn't bother BBQ-ing anymore.

Actually, come to think about it, it ended quite sadly. Heheh. The grand idea of having a BBQ by the seaside totally got 'washed away', and we didn't really do much games stuff either. The only real game I played today was abit of frissbee with W and V. That was quite fun while it lasted, but other than that....

Major sigh.



All the fun things were undone. I feel... very unsatisfied. As though, the lt b BBQ didn't really occur yet. Crappy rain, ruined all our plans. I feel like having another one....

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Went shopping with em y before basketball today. Irritated her to death by walking into every accessory shop I passed by. Can't help it if I love small little pretty things haha. Bought myself an 'i heart girls' card and some very sapphic earrings.

Bball rocked as usual! This time there were some very good people who came to play, em y's soccer mates who were like phoaarrw, powerhouses. Endless stamina man. We played for a good 1.5 hours till almost 8pm and it got really really intense at the end. Everything was moving so fast in the half-court and people were just flipping the ball to each other, trying to score. Even je an moved alot today. Haha.

And everyone was violent today. People fell on the floor, grabbed at the ball, snatched, stoled, pulled and screamed and fought, banged into each other, push and pulled and hugged. Screw the 3 feet rule. Everyone was all over everyone haha. But it was all in the name of good fun of cos, no hard feelings. Gradually, tackling for the ball became this wet-fest. People were totally drenched and sweaty, such that every tackle/bump into each other meant a meeting of slick forearms and wet shirts. Eugh.

I think I screamed more than I played today haha. Couldn't stop myself from screaming, "Gedditgedditgedditgeddit!!!" everytime the ball is not in someone's hands, or... "Guard!! Guard!! Guard!!" and of cos... my favourite... "Rahhhh!!!" everytime someone on the opposing team scores or my ball bounces off the basket again and fails to enter. Ch arm said she kept laughing at my screaming that she had back ache and could not play anymore. Haha, it's my secret weapon! Lols, maybe I'm too used to screaming my head off in softball (we talk a lot in the game), that it just carries over to everything else I play.

Some memorable quotes from everyone:

"Guard the ind u!! Guard the ind u!!!"... becos she was tall and kept scoring like nobody's business. It was even more silly in half-court bball becos all em y did was throw the ball half a court to in du who was stationed near the basket. And score! .. it took us quite awhile to figure out their strategy. Heh.

Oh, and je an was all but impossible to guard, being the tallest and the only proper ex-bballer. All the super-tall girls just held the ball high above their heads and no amount of jumping was going to help me whack the ball out of their hands. Nobody even bothered to block them while they tried to shoot. Though of cos everytime I raise the ball to shoot, I see a flurry of hands in my face.

Fell twice. Got smashed in the nose twice by the ball. The second one feeling so scary I thought I was going to get a nosebleed. And it was pretty stupid how it happened too. 3 people were fighting for the ball, pulling and grabbing and I just ran into the throng trying to get it. The ball was at my face level. Bang! Smart move el sa, veeee----ry smart.

Met 2 new people today! Very nice people from poly, em y's friends. Sadly, I had to leave early and couldn't stay for dinner. The people playing bball are becoming more pro these days. Everyone can really score (except me haha), which makes it totally fun. It's so unlike school whereby your team will always have serious liabilities somewhere.

I'm beginning to think it's a gay girls' thing. We just happen to play better. Hehe.

---------------------

Things to do in the four months I have:

1) Read all of henri nou wen's books. I've gotten one from the library already. Absolutely speaks right to my soul.

2) Learn how to trade in stocks/shares. All the guys in university seem to be doing it, earning bucks. I've never heard of a girl in uni doing it yet. I shall be the first hee.... Plus mommy will be funding me, and she wants me to start anyway. Teletext monitoring will be my first lesson. Am going to read up on books too.

3) FIND A JOB!!!! I went to instant kar ma today (the lesbian shop at hee ren) and they weren't hiring. Saw a cute shirt there though... which stated, "My girlfriend likes pussy". Haha. How blatant. Checked out project shop ca fe at parag on too. Car ol had a good time there and good pay too. But sadly, it wasn't hiring. Waiting for cla ire on her simp ly bread job at bt timah. Maybe... I'll ask Cream Bis tro one day. Any ideas? Hmmm...

4) Plan my sm u study life. I need to know what mods to bid for, who to bid with, whether to take double degree or switch to acountancy, and plan the rest of my remaining summers cos this summer feels totally wasted (Should have signed up for summer camp US A with ying, damn damn damn!)

5) Pick up a skill. Something that would be useful. Maybe something to do with my hands... cos I just like to do stuff. And maybe, just maybe, I'll retrain myself to sketch. Have been neglecting the artist for awhile, perhaps it's time to create a portfolio, just for keepsakes. And I should seriously find the file which I kept all my artwork in. Maybe I should improve my flower-drying skills too. Cos the dried ones hanging by my window looks promising, if I only know how to do it better, maybe the colour would be more rich. Mmm.

6) Meet more people. Period. Party at st ja mes finally. Party till I'm happy. I know these are all distractions really, but I also need them while I try to find the answer.

------

In du painted a very scary scenario for me today. But you know what? I refuse to let that happen to me, I'm not going to make that mistake. I'm not going to be a slave to how I feel. I'll just turn it off.


Cos there's nothing you can fail when God's with you.



Rahh baby =)

Saturday, April 21, 2007

I think a pet would make me happy! Like a furry rabbit or cat or dog. Something to focus my attention on. Mmmm.

Used to stare at my goldfishes for hours (seriously! for hours!). Used to spend an hour feeding them and fussing over the guppies and their lovely, algae and overgrown green tank by the balcony, with the water snails in it and all manner of hyphae, weeds, leaves, and baby guppies. But now most of them are dead. All the ones I lovingly christened with names. I could identify each individual goldfish even though they looked more or less the same. I even know which is male or female by their spawning behaviour. Borrowed fish rearing books from the library too, as a concerned 'caretaker'.

I even took pictures of the snails mating, and of the goldfishes at various blurred angles. I even scooped Princess out of the water and put her into a transparent plastic bowl to photograph her. For a while she was my handphone wallpaper. And Dumex was so brilliantly handsome with his flowy fins and vivid colours that I contemplated preserving him in formaldehyde when the day comes and he dies.



I miss having a pet to love.

CampNUA is officially over.

How sad. But still, it was really fun while it lasted!! (haha, of cos it was fun, I planned part of it. Lols)

Day 1:

Training got cancelled becos a grand total of 7 people turned up. So we did what we could at the campus green and even played soccer after that. I suck so bad at soccer. Seriously. Like everytime the guys tried to pass me the ball I keep fumbling. Also, since only girls can score, all the girls then camped near the goal-posts... but whenever I was supposed to receive the ball from someone, I somehow keep running into the goal-posts and behind the keeper, making it totally impossible to score.

Haha, I don't know what the hell I'm doing when I play soccer.

Night-time accomodation was at fr ujch! It's this student recreation center that has been converted into this really cosy ikea-like place, with nice furniture, soft black couches, carpets, furry pillows, pool tables, foosball table, flat screen tv etc. It was the perfect place to nua. We watched the original scary movie 1 there.

The nice things about camps is the stupid things that happen. At night, the guys had a drinking session and a few were red in the face. J oo was talking nonsense, and slurring. His nonsense talk was hilarious though. We snuck into the cc a room and discovered a mountain of freebies in it. There was this whole carton of tissue packs. I took liberally from it. There were rows and rows of newater, boxes filled with rice crackers, hair gel, beauty products. Sm ux had a lot of leftover goodie bags from vo lar. So I took a bunch of 10 bags for the whole team. I tried a free cappuccino pack from one of the boxes, and made a drink using the endless amounts of free plastic cutlery and utensils and napkins in this box. But it tasted like crap.

There was this supermarket trolley in the room. The boys took it out and jo sh sat in it, while the others pushed him around. Then we took it outside the cc a room and pushed jo sh down the undulating slope at the concourse. For some reason, they pushed him so near the railings that he crashed into it, the trolley overturned, and he fell out, totally delirious but stoned. Haha, it was utterly amusing, and also scary.

Then we went to the carpark to fool around with jo sh's bike. He tried to teach some of the guys how to ride it and it was pretty interesting. Suddenly, the whole team was gathered around this phantom-styled bike peering in, listening intently to the intricacies of a manual bike and what to press/step/clutch etc.

Then the girls were taken for a joyride as a pillion on his bike... jo sh would drive us (girls) around the carpark and turn at high speed at corners while we squealed in terror. Actually, I squealed the most cos I was damn scared. There were times during turnings when you can actually feel the lateral g-forces pulling against your body. All I could do was cling onto his shoulders and go rahh!! But it was super fun! Like an amusement park ride =)

Booze. Ramming against railing in a trolley. Illegal motorbike usage.

We had total disregard for safety during the camp. But who cares. Haha. I threw caution completely out the window, didn't feel like mother-ing them today.

Sleeping at frujch was alright except for the fact that there was no aircon. The #$*&(@!!! management did not do their part properly even though I went to all that trouble sending in forms, getting them signed, emailed, photocopied etc. But the black couches were super comfy. It was almost like a bed, we each had a couch to ourselves (the girls of cos, the guys used whatever was left), and my sleeping bag became a blankie.

But then I feel ill becos of....

lack of fresh air.

Seriously.

I was 'dying' in frujch. The air was so still and stuffy without any circulation and my nose started acting up due to the dust. Plus the fact that we breathed in recycled air-con air most of the day made me feel worse. So I had to go home on the second day of camp....

Day 2:

There was pool games today. It looked really fun but I couldn't join cos I've yet to master the art of tampon usage. Kept failing miserably. Somehow, I'm not doing it right. Anyways....

People brought millions of flotation devices, so the pool in school became very kiddy for a day. There was even this inflated mattress and some weird styrofoam noodle-like sticks which they used as sparring tools against each other in the pool. Utterly hilarious to watch.

In the evening, we played win-lose-or-draw with Sm u softball as the theme. Damn funny. I screamed and hollered even though I was losing my voice... this kind of games excite me so I couldn't be bothered about being sickly. Got 15 out of the 30 clues right =D

And now I have a new nick from the team. It's satay. Haha. Try to figure out why... *hint say my nickname really fast*

They had nite cycling later which I didn't join cos I went home to recuperate. (and my writing is becoming crap)

Day 3:

Friendly! Whee!! My first softball match in like.... ages. It was damn fun. But damn short. Today was a day of many firsts for me. Mmm...

We played on astroturf in R I today. My first time. That was damn cool. Like omg, the entire field was made of plastic grass. It was bouncy even. And the diamond was a real one. I mean, it was like the kind you see on M L B on TV... with the running spaces between the bases, pitcher's circle and home plate area made up of dirt ground, while the rest of the field was grass.

I also played pitcher today. Hahahaha. What a joke. It was slow-pitch anyway and they didn't really have much people to use around. Thankfully it was slow-pitch though, cos that meant pitching was a zero-stress situation, unlike fast-pitch. Among other things, played second when I wasn't pitching and was 3rd batter. Am pissed that I got one strike out. Like wtf, that was so stupid, I should be less picky about my balls. Being too used to nice balls pitched to you is not a good thing.

The game lasted very short though. Only 5 innings, 1.5 hours. I wanted to play some more but no one was listening to me haha. Got trashed like mad by the O RA men. Every hit by them was like... haha, another 70-80m pop-fly to far outfield. They can really bat. Either that, or we were tossing in the balls like it was long hit practice. Haha.

I think I tend to be easily amused by small things. Like whenever the guys do some fantastic move or score another homerun, I beam in my head and think..."They're my hero!"... and then scream across the field, "[insert name], you rock!!"

-----------

I miss playing... serious softball. Competition softball where there are actually stakes at risk. When you really train seriously and your mind is really focused and you come to win and not just have fun. I miss feeling the tension during the 5-second silence before each pitch. I miss playing by instinct, when there is no time for you to think of how to react. But the memories that come after are timeless. I miss the highs and lows and the ebbing tides of a team morale, when everyone is in this together. When after games you would gush endlessly in school about it.

I still remember how the three of us exco were in the same class, and during the season, the only thing we talked about in class was softball. Who's good who's bad. Who did what great move. Who's who in the other teams and even gossip about the 'B' div side. And we would discuss and dissect our games endlessly. And screaming and jumping up and down, and beaming from ear to ear whenever we passed each other by becos yesterday was a milestone for us. And saying 'guess what?' to every team mate we passed and receiving the expected answer, 'we beat r j we're getting third yay' in return.

And then to play our very last matches in turf city. But not really caring about the match at hand cos all we bothered was the outcome of other teams' matches. Then to run over to the other side after our game to watch the others play. And to see my dream ripped apart before my very eyes. Disbelieving it. To hold something in your grasp and have it slip away. Walking away with head down, anger burning, 'this world is not fair' thoughts. Only to come back to coach and realising that we bought him flowers today. But I'm in no mood to hand it to him now, nor to have our promised treat by coach for going the distance.

Someone once said that it was a great feeling to win. But then went on to say that its another feeling to go from this high to a low. And on hindsight, when I look back, I think I probably learnt more losing in the end. And sure as hell, I still got that winning feeling in the end anwway. Cos we did beat them that day, and that's enough for me. Besides, after our year, the girls just keep climbing higher and that's more important now.



Life knocks you down sometimes, but how you pick yourself up.

That's what really matters.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Here's a nice 'aspen' video, if you're not yet convinced you gotta watch it! Nice song in it too. Totally love it =) *Spoilers ahead!*

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

*Squeals in delight*

I met the most gorgeous, devastatingly, handsome, suave, muscular, tall, nice gay guy last night. He was sitting next to me during the church talk by a catholic priest on homosexuality. He was ... omg... I actually stole glances at him. I have never done that to another guy in my entire life before. Amazing. It's a milestone.

I actually felt compelled to talk to him. Like, I need your attention on me kind of want-to-talk-to-him. And in a very stereotypically gay manner, he was utterly sweet and nice! And a final year law student! And with chiselled jaw and Matt Cohen-ish looks.

Gosh.

After the talk, I gushed to the boys weakly. *hand flutters to throat, clutches at chest*

---------

M [hand over my head]: "Elsa you're turning straight. Let me exorcise heterosexuality from you!"
J snr [mock horror]: "Aiyoh! You're turning more gay lor! So bitchy and now you want cock!"
J jnr [straight-faced]: "That's a distraction from what you really want now. You know that!"
A [bemused]: "Are you lesbian or bisexual?"
J jnrjnr [totally off-topic]: "Elsa you look nice tonight."

*Beams*

---------

I *heart* gays.

How can you not love gay guys after getting to know them?? Like gay guy= girl's best friend = almost so true. There was this straight girl at the talk, who came becos she always had a problem and that was she kept falling in love with gay men.

God forbid that the first man I fall for is gay.

But I thought about it last night, and I imagined what would happen if an equally hot girl was next to this hot gay guy, which one would I look at?

Haha, it's quite easy to decide.

The girl.

Always.



The girl first.


"That's a distraction from what you really want now. You know that!"

Monday, April 16, 2007

Over the span of 5 days, I have watched finished the entire two seasons of S O N. All 20+ episodes.




It has been over an hour since I watched the cliffhanger ending and now... I am having MASSIVE withdrawal symptoms!!! Like arrgh! It's over, just kill me will ya? I even downloaded the music. And I love the plot! It's so relatable, not like L word, sex here sex there. Sex up till your nostrils. Gawd, and the stuck-up sh ane which I canNOT for the life of me stand.



Season 3 better come out like NOW!!! Cos I need my 'aspen' fix. I prefer the term aspen (kind of like 'bennifer') as compared to spashley (ashley + spencer, the 2 lesbian lovers in the serial) which rhymes with spastic. heh.














*foaming at the mouth*

Today is the start of my four-month holiday. Yes. FOUR MONTHS. Wow sm u.

But I haven't got any major projects planned for it. And thus I need to search for meaningful employment with cash benefits thrown in. In other words, I need a job to fill my time and hopefully learn something in the process. Here's what's available so far.

1) I've got one potential job already and that's data entry for incoming tertiary students doing their med check-up, possibly at the other two unis. Quite near my house so that's good.

2) By some sheer luck the school sent out this email which kindly pointed me to the right direction for job search (I didn't know sm u had this job search webpage thingy). However, the only interesting job on it is being a temp at ice-cold be er for 7ph, flexible timing. The rest kinda sucked. I saw sandwich artist as one of the job descriptions and I was like omg!!! so cool!!! Then I saw the pay.... -_-

4) N at offered me to be a receptionist at his friend's spa. But the hours are incredibly long and pay is quite low. No can do.

3) I don't know, I'm going to look for more.... Any ideas?? (all job locations in the east are out)


I think I'm also going to take up some self-improvement courses. Maybe learn cooking/baking or something. I want a skill. Hmmmm. Last time, mo x still had its dinner feature and jere my managed to learn lots of good cooking recipes and skills there. Now he can make tiramisu and mushroom chips. I'd love to able to do that! rah!

Sometimes, God speaks to me directly. Sometimes, He speaks through sermons.

And I guess all this while I've been searching for the solution, for the cure-it-all, for the one thing that will counter all that brews inside. I don't really know the answer, and I supposed all the answers I've sourced are only temporary salves. Ways to distract me, to suppress symptoms. But nothing that really gets to the root.

I'm tired of this Castle of mine.

Tired of waking up in the morning and have my first thought assail me, or to wake up and remember that I dreamt again last night. And to remember its details. Tired of dreading the times I'm alone with myself and there is no distraction to blind me.

I'm tired of living this way. To press down the cork and bottle up. Talking doesn't always work. It's another distraction. I'm still the same. And will forever go through cycles like these, I can foresee many coming and going, ebbing and surging like the tides. I've only had a few so far, but there'll be more to come for sure. Maybe this isn't meant to be a war I have to weather. Maybe it's not always a battle after all.

Sometimes the most personal is also the most universal, cos everyone else feels that way. Just that nobody ever says it. Cos they have too much pride. Don't want to admit it.


--------------

We're images of God, and everything in us He created. All my desires and all my needs were made by You, and only You have the key to fulfill it. Only You can satisfy.

A thousand days in this world can't compare to one day in heaven. But everyday on earth can be my days in heaven if I can find You. Under every stone or behind every door I peek, in people in places and abstract ideals and successes I hope to see Your joy. To feel what Your joy can be. To know what happiness means.

I look for You everywhere but I never thought I should look inside of me.

So I'm going to read Henri Nouwen's books. And maybe I'll finally find His kingdom in me. After all, we're all temples of God, and the only way to go back to Him is through the door of our hearts.




Tomorrow is a new day and a new gift. And as long as I have faith, hope and love, there is no problem too big for God to solve.

=)

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Today was the sixth official session of the youth group since it started this year. And I thought it was freaking good. The speakers were totally awesome and I was completely mind-f*cked at the end of it.

It's interesting how adults can screw with your brains heh? How they challenge the way you think and how you perceive the world around you.

We had alex a u and HY (a journalist) talk about the GLB community in singapore and what it was like to be gay in the '70s, '80s and '90s. And they had alot of different ideas to share, which sometimes correlates with mine, but at times, go against what I've always held to be gospel truth in my head.

Take the gay-lesbian divide for example.

I've always thought it was stupid... that gay men and gay women are two separate communities each fighting for their own agendas and sometimes, rival each other. How gay men and women sometimes don't get along, or seem to care for the other minority so long as their own selfish needs are fulfilled. And I wondered, why aren't they united together in strife? Why don't they band together and come together to fight against homophobia and all the other injustices they suffer? Why are they only interested in forming men or women-only groups which are so exclusive and insular sometimes. It defeats the whole purpose of being 'an-inclusive' community which welcomes everyone regardless of sexuality.

We take it for granted, that if we are gay, we are automatically open-minded. But not so I thought, not when men and women are only interested in fighting for themselves.

Then al ex observed that if you really think about it, gay men and women have almost nothing in common with each other. Gay men have zero interest in women, and vice versa. The issues they face in their own separate communities are vastly different from that of the other side.



It's just like malays and indians. The one singular commonality amongst malays and indians is the fact that they are minorities. And that's where the common ground ends. Their cultures are vastly different from each other, their modes of behaviour and notions of courtesy are all different. And the only thing the malays and indians can agree on as a common topic is how the chinese are dominating everything! Full-stop.



Same goes for lesbians and gays, the manner in which we conduct ourselves in relationships and how we basically act and think are so different. The only thing in common is that we're both outside the acceptable social spectrum, that we love the same gender. But beyond that, you'd be hard pressed to find similarities.

And becos of this, men and women support groups function very very differently. Men connect by doing, women connect by talking. And in male-support groups, it is very activity-based in which men bond together in the process of engaging in little project tasks which their facilitators set them out to do. For example, in the past, one of the groups actually have pot-luck sessions everytime. And through the process of cooking the food and swapping recipes (yes! domesticated males swapping recipes, how very stereotypically gay), they feel more comfortable to open up with each other. Whereas for women, women just come together and will look for all sorts of excuses to talk. And it's much easier to coax women to open up.

Thus the methods used in male and female support group differs largely due to how we function according to our gender. And that is why, often times, the community is split along the gender divide. Becos if we try to integrate, you cannot completely fulfill people's needs. And people will leave when they feel half-satisfied. That is why the older generation always talks about creating all these 'safe spaces' for either gender, which I used to think was poppy-cock, becos I'm quite happy in my gay-male-utopia-with-a-sprinkling-of-lesbians-happy-elsa-world.

And I never understood why people had problems functioning with the opposite gender when I had none. Like, I've had les bian friends telling me they don't really dare/want/think about mixing with other gay men and gay men telling me the opposite as well! And then I go all indignant and think that, hey, you don't know what you're missing when you block out the other side of the fence. Becos it makes your world that much larger.

I wanted one big happy gay-lesbian-bisexual family, cos I could envision that from my own perspective. But I realised we only help what we understand. And if the other side is unfamiliar, then that is a ground that we won't tread.

And more importantly, we will not shift from our comfortable position, unless someone pushes us out of it.

Like A lex and HY mentioned that during their time, they were happy and satisfied being around straight people all the time. But it would be a nice thing to have, if they could have gay friends. But in my world, that is so not true. Having gay friends is NOT a nice thing to have. It is a necessity for survival, without which I think my world would crumble. And then I realised that ... we are who we are... becos of the environment that moulded us. Just as how it is a non-issue for the speakers to have fellow homosexual friends, but yet its a big issue for me.



And more often than not, we become who we are, because of our reaction to adversity. In singapore, homophobia is largely fuelled by western christian ideology. It is a westernized concept. And yet, I've always wondered why issit that F CC, my church, is always at the heart of gay activism, and that so many of the prominent gay activists in singapore happen to be christian? Coincidence? God's calling??? (oh how the fundies would want my blood for saying this hehehe). Then I realised that you only react to what affects you personally. I know this sounds duh, but wait!

In local activism, you rarely ever hear of the buddhist or muslim groups doing anything. Or even the chinese-speaking community being involved in the process. But always at the forefront of the fight is the english-educated, often christian, gay man. Why? Becos they are the ones who bear the worst brunt of homophobia. It affects them directly, personally. But for the buddhist man whose religion does not even hint of homophobia, there is no struggle for him there, no wall to break through. The christian man's troubles is foreign to his own. He does not understand. And one only reacts to what they understand. What they can emphatise with.

It's just like why pet-lovers become sp ca volunteers, but not war-zone medics. Why the poor man who made it big in this world, ends up a philantropist and always gives back to the very poor he once was associated with? And why I always felt that the real and truly genuine C IP I've ever done ... is this youth group. And that it's the only community contribution I feel for. Not going to old-folks home or building some hut/room/well in some 3rd-world country. I don't understand these things like old age or poverty, I don't feel for their reality. But I know what it feels like to be gay and to be lost. And to not have any shoulder to cry on cos you're the only alien you know.

And I suppose that's why I'm also confused sometimes, why there are GLB people around me who don't seem to feel the same desire to give back. To help. And how it used to piss me off that people take things for granted. That the freedoms they enjoy now, being able to club openly in gay/les parties, being able to buy gay books and hold organised events catered specifically to the gay crowd, to even worship in a gay-affirmative church. These things don't fall from the sky. People created it with their blood and sweat so that the youth of tomorrow will have a better future to face... then the past that the older generation leaves behind.

But I know why I feel this way now, and why others are different from me. My 'gay' experience was probably markedly different from others in the sense that, there was a significant external struggle as well. It's not just the usual internal struggle that most glb people face, and who get out of it either through their ownselves or with help from friends. I have that toilet incident to remember. And just like the christian activists who feel compelled to do something for the community, becos homophobia affects them personally and spiritually. I suppose I do what I do becos of my past. Not so much lofty and abstract ideals like altruism or a 'kind heart' or whatever, but rather....

... its becos this is my own battle. And that I hoped to build in the youths an armour so that they won't get hurt as easily as I did.

I can't blame others for not feeling the desire to help. Maybe they have other 'dreams', other adversities they've conquered and wish to pass on their lessons. Even if people took things for granted in the end, and that only a few people push for their rights, I still gotta push on becos in the end


this is also my future.





---------




We're the future you can't ignore.

Went clubbing with sa m tonight. Met a couple of other friends along the way.

Clinic is quite chic but still borring. When the music sucks, everything else stinks... no matter how good it looks. Not many familiar faces today.... actually, quite abit lah. But nothing compared to her story whereby every 10m you bump into someone from somewhere. And it's always hi bye babe, air kisses and hugs in the air. Maybe it's becos tonight was an older crowd, and this party isn't very well known. But clarke quay has a very cool vibe at night. I think next time I'll nuah at the al fresco bars instead and people-watch, soak up the atmosphere. Instead of hanging inside the clubs.

Great food nearby as well. We prata-ed near river valley road later, and it was pretty awesome. I think indian food is the ultimate club food, seriously. I just gagged at the thought of eating chinese food at night, or anything else (maybe western is okay too).

I wanna to go to clubs with totally orgasmic dance music! The boys tell me st ja mes is it. If you love their kind of music, (the gay boys' tastes), and considering that I'm as big a madon na fan as them, I think I would =) Plus, dancing with the boys is always good. Becos you can go overboard with the raunchiness and you know it's nothing more than platonic. And it'll be a nice change to see hot men all over the place. Instead of girls.

Am so going to st ja mes when mark comes back from te xas.

----------

I've decided, in this four months, now that I'm forever mobile with my mom's car and can go practically anywhere. I'm going to nuah with various people over good cheap food, at laid-back unknown cafes, faraway from the commercialism.

And chat to my heart's content. So if you wanna hang out sometime, call me, I'm always available now =)

Hopefully, play lotsa softball and basketball as well. And find myself that eye-opening job.

Friday, April 13, 2007

It's the last day of term today.

Strangely, I feel both happy and sad. Both relief and dread. Becos now comes the hard part of thinking. Sitting down and thinking, what I want to accomplish in this four months.

Lots of people are going for overseas C IP, others are taking summer term, or internships, or have secured themselves some job. For me? I'm abit tempted to sign up for the remaining overseas CI P which are still open, but I can't lose track of my goal. I want to go for project ne pal, and I better damn heck make good on it. Becos I don't want another South-east Asian C IP, everybody goes for that. And I know I can get to ne pal, cos I know someone who went previously. The strings are there to be pulled, the first-aider status has got me one foot in through the door already.

I just need to wait. Patiently.

The two exams I had felt fairly okay. But I know 'fairly okay' is not good enough for accounting F A, becos everyone is fairly okay, and 90% correct is what everybody gets. Urgh. Which then makes me realise that the ultimate barometer of F A grades would be the group project, which I don't think went very well, cos the pages were just impossible to cut down.

For blaw, I think I screwed up the MCQ. Barely gave it any thought at all when I did it, just rushed through. I hope the written part is good though. I actually managed to complete it. Amazing. Halfway through the paper, I originally intended to give up the whole of question 2, cos it was so... urgh... messy. But it ended okay so... phew!

---------------

After gym today, came home and watched 5 episodes of S O N, courtesy of BL's kindness and generosity in helping me download everything and burn into discs. The girls inside are very pretty. =) Especially ashley and kelly. Hot stuff. Wow.

Then I crashed in bed after my fill of LD (haha, you should know what this is), woke up in a daze a few hours later with a million smses about things I need to do. Youth group to settle, campNUA (softball cca camp) to settle, em y's training is cancelled do you want to hang out tonight?, bad riah's are you coming? etc etc.

I chose to go chill with em y. Cos it's been a while since I unloaded and we both need to unload today. Same situation, same stoooopid deja vu. Plus I wanted to go island creamery. And I wanted an excuse to use the car.

So we went to Is land Creamery, and pigged out on 3 scoops of ice cream + apple pie. Really nice and sinful and totally wasted my 300 calorie 40min workout today. Now I need to run extra tomorrow. Greaaat. Haha. But I don't care really, my exams are over, I need a break. But I will still go burn off some carbs becos it's 'self-preservation mode' now. There was also one very cute ac jc girl at isl and creamery, damn pretty. But nevermind.

We even tried to go to the Pra ta place near CCA B, but there was no way I could U-turn back to bt timah, so we ended up all the way in clem enti. And we tried to check out Botak Jo nes, but it closed 15 min before we arrived! I was so darn disappointed becos man, the food looks good. Humongous portions, generous fries, coleslaw on the sides, thick juicy meat slabs sandwiched between chewy burgers. Mmmm. We are going there soon. Other than a sudden offer of mah jong, nothing much happened after that.

But at least the bitching was good. =) I feel very sated now.

E: "Are you black inside?"
Me: "Huh? What you mean by black? Nigger-black?"
E: "Yah, like... how did you greet me just now?"
Me:"....Yo."

-_-

Sudden epiphany of today, occuring mid-spoonful of ice-cream:

Falling in love is like a drug. Falling out of love is like going to rehab for your drug problem.

Me: "I'm tired of rehab."
E: "Hahaha, me too. Urgh!"

----------

E: "Elsa, would you be faithful in a relationship."
Me: "Huh? I don't know. Who could know for sure? There's no 100% certainty in this world."
E: "Yeah, but you're always checking out girls and talking about girl this and girl that."
Me: "Yeah but it's just talk. It's never serious."

I think sometimes I create the wrong impression on people. When I talk too much, I don't really mean some of the things I say. I don't necessarily think those thoughts. I just find such thoughts amusing and they make people laugh, it makes them happier for awhile (and making people happy makes me happy). But that does not necessarily mean they reflect what I really feel. I just say what comes to mind, I rarely hold back now.

But when it comes to doing, it's so much different. If you really know me, you would know there are alot of things I detest actually. Even the very things I joke about. Which I might be too idealistic about. Which are behind some of the motivations why I do the youth group, why it's extremely rare for me to like fellow gay girls (though it has happened).



Jokes and laughter are my medicine for the soul. In a burst of joy, forget everything inside you. Superficial is easy, becos it hurts less. Nothing more than a shield I carry. I don't want another drug relapse. Don't want cold turkey and anymore of that bs. Even a straight-jacket can't control when the thoughts comes a calling.

Love is ****. Life is happier without.

------------

Sudden epiphany now:

Things happen for no reason. And there are some things in the world you can't earn. No matter how smart, how successful, how beautiful, how wonderful, how amazing. And there are some things, in which I cannot fight for in the same way I fight for everything else I do.

Cos effort means nothing.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

For a moment

Painted nails on the dashboard
So bourgeois but nonetheless
It's control I've got
Being king over the rest

For a moment it is gone
The thoughts that I've caught
(When life leaves your hold
Security reigns again
In a machine that's cold)

Push yourself to the limit
No Everest I cannot scale
As the hurt inside is rid
There's nothing I can fail

For a moment it is gone
The thoughts that I've caught
(When life leaves your hold
Security reigns again
In a burst of belief)

Hunched and huddled
Spilling guts for pity
We cozy up in a bundle
Girl-talk bonds the needy

For a moment it is gone
The thoughts that I've caught
(When life leaves your hold
Security reigns again
cos you're not the only soul)

------------

They broke through once, twice
This carefully guarded wall
Spears and swords don't suffice
Against this onslaught will I fall

Then comes sudden epiphany
Strengthen my army I did
Beyond the surface is risky
So grows shallowness from this seed.

Self-preservation mode sets in
Wear your armour there's work to do
For the building of bricks begins
Around the prize that rules

But I'm tired of fighting
So what if very battle is a lesson
It must come this day of reckoning
Before I lose once more this kingdom

For a moment it is gone
The thoughts that I've caught
In the next it returns
With a vengence that burns

The fort can't hold out any longer
Distractions don't make good soldiers
I see them running up again
To the ivory tower for the same

Deja vu, player
You've failed once more.
To protect this prize of yours.

Basketball today was awesome! Totally jiving and funky! (Shall post up pictures on my flickr once I get them)

I was afraid that it would rain but thankfully it didn't, in fact, the weather was very nice. It was great to play with the say oni girls, we had close to two full teams (almost 10 people) and could play full-court basketball. And the great thing about them is that: All of them, have strengths to call their own. Thus, unlike in school whereby sometimes, there are totally useless people on your team. I must say that all the girls can really play, like some can shoot very well, some are very agile, all were good in one way or another. And it's great to play with teams whereby each and every member is not a liability but rather an asset (F A my goodness heheh) or against teams like that.

So for one entire hour, it was almost non-stop, intensive, heart-stopping bball action. First half hour was full-court, and my gosh, that nearly killed me it was damn fast. Then we played half-court cos after half an hour of bball, all of us could die already. And we seriously NEED to warm up next time before diving right into the game, cos after the first break my stomache hurt like shit. But for the rest of the games, I was fine. So yes, WE NEED TO WARM UP.

And becos I haven't played bball for a long time, today was especially good cos it's great that I can find a group of people to play this kind of team sports again. And that it can become a regular activity. Today was so orgasmic for everybody that we're going to organise another one soon in two weeks, and maybe throw in frissbee as well, since there is also a field nearby.

Some ma lay butches wanted to join us as well heheh, but we were full-house, or else we could've introduced say oni to them. Hmmm.

Post-bball was dinner and chill out at the prata shop besides CC AB. Had a great time laughing with the girls who ribbed me to no end. I like however, the idea about... "Elsa's World", whereby they conjour up slap-stick comedy scenarios about my life. Haha, I loved it actually.

Mmm, can't wait for next time! Once I have time after exams, I shall resume my duties as sports ic. Hurhur....

Easter service today was really different. And it was really nice too. Some people got baptized and there were alot of newcomers today, I hope they do stay on.

And I also liked today's message about Je sus:

"Find love... and you will find God.



Right there."


We sang As the Deer Panteth for The Water and I felt that it was really meaningful, becos it struck right to the core of what God means to me personally. How He is not this superior being who is high and mighty and will strike you down with lightning at a whim, nor this cruel God who drowns his enemies, nor this God who hates or hurts the very people He created. But rather, God as the friend who walks along with me on my journey. God as the One whom you tell your deepest darkest desires, and your greatest fears, and the One who sees through you completely and stripped down to all your vulnerabilities, and sees you without the mask you put on in front of other people.

As the deer panteth for the water
So my soul longeth after you
You alone are my heart's desire
And I long to worship you

You alone are my strength, my shield
To you alone may my spirit yield
You alone are my heart's desire
And I long to worship you

You're my friend and you are my brother
Even though you are a king
And I love you more than any other
So much more than anything

I want you more than gold or silver,
Only You can satisfy.
You alone are the real joy giver
And the apple of my eye.

You alone are my strength, my shield
To you alone may my spirit yield
You alone are my heart's desire
And I long to worship you

-------------

I am blessed, but yet I've always felt I've never been good enough as a Christian. And sometimes, I wish I was less weak, less human, less callous. And I wished I knew how to count my blessings and not always ask for more. Becos I have so much already, but I can never see that, can I?

I will forever remember the words of this lady at B SF, who said, "Everything you do for this world is temporal, but everything you do for God, will mean for eternity."


You are Faith, Hope and Love. And You're the light at the end of my tunnel.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Wow wow wow!!!

I can't believe it, P ok told me just now when I asked him, that the junior girls beat hc j c at nationals this year! Woot~! Amazing shit, they must've been so happy!

Man, I feel happy for them already. Like....


Wow.

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On a more frivolous note,

I took a break from mugging today to chat with me l online, and had a good time bitching about les bian drama haha. Things are always soooo dramatic, aren't they? Makes your eyeballs (as jere my says) roll all the way to johor. Haha!

Some might say that bitching is not soo good and a waste of time. But then again talking, any talking, is carthatic for girls. Just like what yi ng says,




"We bitch towards a better tomorrow"


=)

Friday, April 06, 2007

E LsA says, "RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

*Bangs head on wall.*

*Thud! Thud! Thud*

It's during quiet moments that your head gets to you. Can not, possibly, wait for bas ketball to come faster on sunday. I need to do something.

Another meme:

I miss

I miss not having a period.

I miss days of doing nothing, in the year-end holidays, just watching TV, eat sleep and be merry.

I miss running and playing bu dao wong in the playground, and experiencing my only genuine boy-crush, thinking that I will have my first kiss at age 10... on the slides.

I miss rocking my legs on the swings, going higher and higher and seeing if my toes can touch the skies... then at the crest of flight, leaping off the swing and ploughing into the sand... like a long-jump.

I miss dirt-cheap, marvelous canteen food, of sweet and sour french fries with chopped ham, illegally cooked by the Malay stall and adored by every sc gs girl with a tongue and a brain.

I miss going into that secret jungle near my flat, going in deep and trekking into tall grass, of picking up free fruits like large jackfruits and cacao beans, and seeing all manner of strange flowers that look like female genitals.

I miss playing softball in sc gs, whereby one hit means it'll land at the basketball court cos our field is too small, and nobody bothers to stop balls coming their way.

I miss running 1.6 km for nap fa and feeling like I'm going to die after the run cos I only run once a year. During napfa.

I miss holding both of ch arm's hands as we lay on the top of a grassy knoll and then log-rolling down the hill, only to start itching all over afterwards...

I miss spending hours drawing nothing but muscular men and horses with pen and paper, and not having the brains or foresight to keep my art, which is now, all but lost...

I miss swimming in the pool on a hot Saturday morning, with no one else around the club and swimming alongside a turtle who swapped pond for pool, chasing it and feeling like a mermaid.

I miss climbing over and under the gates of n j, risking life and exposed limb around the barb wires, because we were too lazy to walk half a kilometer out the main gate.

I miss eating my 50cents ice cream in a sweat-soaked shirt in arctic K AP after softball, feeling like I'm in the North Pole. The ice cream does not help, but I want it anyway.

I miss going to pri nce at co ro after every training becos everyone is just dying for a drink and free drinks at prin ce draw us like flies to a lamp. K FC has now replaced pri nce in SM U.

I miss pon ning G P classes and galavanting to the computer room, so I can bang my fingers bimbotically on the keyboard trying to invoke some street-fighter move against fellow pon-ner.

I miss OB M, and kayaking 9 hours in the seas amongst islands and feeling like you can go on forever, so long as the weather stays fine.

I miss trekking up that mountain, and climbing over the knots and snarls of root and clutching periliously at the edges of the cliff with a 20lb backpack strapped on me.

I miss eating copious and copious amounts of canned food day after day because you're using up so much energy, and at the end of the whole O BM, I still lose 3 kg.

I miss 12-hour busrides with the girls just laughing and joking and being absolutely delirious cos we were going home to real food and real beds.

I miss discovering new things like going to se rangoon and PPC in the day time and walking through the maze of shophouses and prostitutes and men giving me weird looks, and dangerous traffic.. feeling like I have just arrived at the headquaters of a terrorist organisation when I see the rainbow sticker beckoning me to ... enter... and when I do, my whole world changes.

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I'm just feeling bored today. And felt like writing something. Maybe I should start a private blog as well, instead of always being so cryptic all over the place and having people second-guessing what's going on in my life and asking me over msn. Heh.

Hmmm.

Maybe I should do what em y says she is going to do: "I'm going to start on self-preservation mode"

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Today was absolutely terrific.

Why? Cos I accomplished almost nothing in terms of studying today.

Okay, maybe I did managed to go for a biz law class, complete my cheat sheet and go through almost 5 chapters for F A.

But. Still.

Spent most of the library time talking to E about God and gross jokes and just plain laughing. Laters at night, met up with m indy who gave me a much-needed wake-up call about myself. Then around 9+, I thought I'll just pop by where Sa m and Ji aLi was, to say hi and bye. Instead, I ended up.... studying quite abit of F A, after succeeding on a sudden whim to psycho them to accompany me on some nightlife. I don't know why I was high enough to feel like going. Maybe I just want to get out of the library and out of low-productivity studying mode and just catch up with friends I haven't really talked to in a while.

But either way, I also ended up watching L wor d (abit) on Sa m's laptop due to sheer boredom from F A. It's one thing to be watching L word, but its another thing to be watching L word in the school library, with your lap top facing the entire library population and you're only interested in the intimate moments cos the plot is all but lost on you. I tried to use my body to block people from looking. But from the window reflections, I can tell that some guys which past me by stared for quite a long while at the screen...when they walked past. It didn't help that there were two kissing girls on the screen at that time. Being our usual lame selves, me and Sa m joked that soon the library is going to make an announcement:

"Please refrain from watching lesbia n porn in the library. I repeat, please refrain from watching les bian porn in the library." Hahaha, it's not porn lah.

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I'm so glad that I did ask the two of them out later though...even if that meant I finally left the school area at the ungodly hour of 12am. We went to menotti at raffles city and had really nice cakes at half price in this really cozy and romantic restaurant. Then later, we went to sit at the stone steps of the Esplanade facing the river. And it was just lovely... cos that place is a great place to talk at night and pour your heart out to people you can trust.

Tonight, I got the best advice I ever heard for my problem. They are so right....and I'll keep what they say in mind.

I went home very happy today. Strangely. This is why today is terrific even though my studying was zilch. Becos talking and learning from people are the lessons that you will remember at the end of your life, not what academic stuff you've studied. I want to learn more about life....

But even then, as what Ju lia says I am (and which I like actually), "e lsa you're a nerd at heart."

Haha, but it's precisely becos of this that



I love my innocence.

Monday, April 02, 2007

Meme for today: I think I'll start a meme, heheh, if it gets picked up by other bloggers. About the things you have and the things you don't. About the things you've done and the things you wished you could do.

So what?

So what if I'm young and in my prime.

So what if I have my own room and am middle-class.

So what if I was once a captain and once a star.

So what if my first hit was a homerun.

So what if I can reach almost 2m for standing broad jump.

So what if I got myself out of TAF club by doing 200 sits-ups and 1000 skips, everyday.

So what if I taught myself how to sketch like an artist at age 9.

So what if people once looked up to me because of my art.


So what if I was once the class clown and everyone loved me.

So what if I got straight As in Secondary school.

So what if I still get straight As in uni.

So what if I win in contests and am the youngest by 20 years.

So what if I have so many ribbons and medals to my name.

So what if I can kayak longer than men.

So what if I've climbed a mountain.

So what if you tell me I'm pretty.

So what if I've got arguably, one of the most diverse pool of friends ever.

So what if I told my parents and my teachers.

So what if I came to PPC on my own, in uniform.

So what if I'm a 'pioneer' for starting the youth group.

So what if I'm the youngest girl in women's nite, still.

So what if I particpated in the biggest ever lesb ian talk.

So what if I was almost in S Q 21.

So what if I came out to the school admin.

So what if I passed my driving test on the first try.

So what if I can do breakdance freezes.

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So what if I've never failed in anything I ever set out to do but....

So what if I've got everything I ever wanted except...

So what if I have all these and more, but the very thing I want...

.... I always have to give it up?

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Was inspired to do this cos of the question during cell today, "Do you feel you deserve something?". S told me today, maybe it's becos you have all these things that you don't have what you ask for.


Start yours people. So what...

about you?