Saturday, March 31, 2007

Just read this FABULOUS poem on Jere my snr's blog, I love it =)

Insensitive by Jan Arden
-------------------------------------

How do you cool your lips,
after a summer's kiss?

How do you rid the sweat,
after the body bliss?

How do you turn your eyes,
from the romantic glare?

How do you block the sound of a voice,
you'd know anywhere?

Oh, I really should have known by the time you drove me home,
by the vagueness in your eyes, casual good-byes,
by the chill in your embrace, the expression on your face
that told me you might have some advice to give, on how to be
insensitive

How do you numb your skin,
after the warmest touch?

How do you slow your blood,
after the body rush?

How do you free your soul,
after you've found a friend?

How do you teach your heart,
its a crime to fall in love again?

Oh, you probably won't remember me,
its probably ancient history.
I'm one of the chosen few
who went ahead and fell for you.

I'm out of vogue, I'm out of touch,
I fell too fast, I feel too much.
I thought that you might have
some advice to give, on how to be
insensitive.


-----------------------

rahhh baby. I'm so going to go overboard with the hedonism after the exams. Maybe go to St Jam es finally with the gay boys one night. And rid me of these shackles.

I guess Jere my summed it up aptly for me...

"El sa, you're running with scissors."

...

Well, at least the youth group was quite good today in my opinion. A lot of them raised really good questions and we had a really thoughtful discussion which enthralled me. Also, there were lots of other good stuff that we talked about, stuff which I really wanted to ask other people before but never had the chance to do so till today. XT even shared a funny insight provided by her ang m0h prof, who said that, "Sex is an interactive art form."

Ha ha. Maybe I'll put that on my msn nick. Heee...

-----------

In the two years after n j, how simple it was. How simple it is to be superficial and shallow. How very simple and safe. How simple it is when you dip your toes into water and if it's too foreboding, just pull out easily. Nothing lost.


Now I'm scared.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Re-reading the 12th Feb blog posting, I must remember to hold fast to the words I wrote myself. About trusting in Him.

I have to. Cos like what m indy says, at night, there is nothing around us but me and God only. And that there is only God around.

But I also know that God has placed a few angels on this earth for me, with me, to hold my hand and to guide, and I know I'll weather this storm. I'll pull through stronger, and just like what the 'old wise men' of levis tell me, my day of reckoning will come.

I just have to trust in His plan. Cos I know He won't desert me.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

I drove around yesterday in the car, in the vain hopes that it'll take my mind of matters. Quite futile actually, cos the act of driving doesn’t totally involve your complete attention. I can still listen to music, look out the window, most of all, I can still think about stuff other than driving.

So I put the radio on louder to drown out the voices inside, and I heard this really cool quote by DJ rod monter o. It’s an extended version of this cliche: We go through life so fast, but once in a while we have to slow down and smell the roses. Because if we don't, how would we know how beautiful the flowers are?

Which then reminded me… one of the simplest pleasures in life is to walk through wind and feel it sweeping across your face. It never fails to make me that wee bit more 'smiley'.

Another flower to appreciate is that I almost crashed my car yesterday with all the softballers piled into it. How very careless of me. Over-confidence leads to complacency. I better drive more carefully next time. Hmmm.

I wanna watch South of Nowhere. I know a few of you gay girls read this so….who got and can lend me huh?? =DDD

----------

Not that I'm very pleased with myself now for being gay.


At least I got to talk to a few people. At least I finally told m indy today on msn in school, after like almost imploding for a day. A release like bursting a balloon. When life has no easy answers for you. When the black and whites of the world merges and all you see is grey. When you were so sure of yourself and how you'd conduct yourself as a person in any situation, then suddenly something throws you off.

When all you want is a friend to hear and not give you politically correct answers. When I don't have a clear answer to everything like I used to. Girl, we're both in such shit right now aren't we? =/ At least you and I have we...

I never understood really what sam told me, until today. Until recently. Maybe I'll write this in say oni one day. Sudden epiphany comes again. But that will be after the exams, when school is no more an excuse for my absence. Lublub will finally start writing properly again. And not this blogging crap here.

---------

Read the horoscopes today. I'm not someone who believes in horoscopes but once in a while, on a whim (usually a negative one), I'll just check out what's 'in the stars' for me. Sometimes the horoscopes are plain silly. But sometimes... they hit right to the core. Which makes me just stand still in the living room for a good half a minute, newspapers spread out and held high above my head. Looking and looking... cannot believing what the hell I just read.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

I blogged on 17th March, Saturday, that I wanted to feel alive again.

Maybe I'll take that back. I don't want to feel alive due to the fact that my heart feels like its being pulled into two by desire and duty. I want to scream really. Bang my head against the wall. Rage against the odds. But what I really want is to have those moments again. It could go both ways you know. Drown me deeper or build me a bridge.

I don't know. It's amusing in a sad little way how this is turning out just like the way it did m indy. The same pattern, maybe I should have recognised it. But just like then, I never saw it coming at all. At all. So how do I stop a train hitting me if my back is facing it? I don't even know. Denial till the last moment.

And just like the baby in the play, the only word I can think of now is the f word. Don't. Want. To. Think. Or. Feel.

--------------

I know I gotta pull myself together for the sake of school. But I don't feel like caring anymore, feel like giving up. I don't even have time to mull or ponder or sulk. No time to let emotions ride. I have to go back to robot mode soon. Even though that will probably made me think less and thus is good for me...

must I?

I need two good tight slaps across the face, if you see me, slap me please. I will thank you.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

It's been a while since I blogged. Here's a long-drawn out update

---------------

FUN:

Theatre Idols Finals at Esplanade

On Monday 26 March 2007 at 8pm, ACTION Theatre in collaboration with Esplanade presents Theatre Idols Finals 2007, dramatized readings of new plays by Singapore's hottest playwrights at the magnificent Esplanade Concert Hall.

The contestants:

1. Hitting (on) Women by Ovidia Yu A hard-hitting and heartfelt piece about a woman who's hit out of nowhere by the mother of her first lover. (lesbian theme)

2. On Sundays the Kites Come Out to Play by Chong Tze Chien A hilarious comedy about two couples, their friend and a baby whose first word at a baby shower is a four-letter word. And it's not l-o-v-e! (gay-related)

Oh gosh.

I went to watch the above plays at Esplanade after a 12 hour school day on a monday night. Although I was tired as f*ck, and had just dragged myself in high heels for 1km from SM U to the Esplanade. I. Am. So glad. That I came. Because this is the best entertainment that I've had in a really long time. Not just entertainment, but epiphanies as well. This is soo SOOOO awesome! If you love theatre if you love dramatized readings and plays and WORDS, you have to watch the staging of these plays. It's just so lovely and orgasmically good. No! Correct me, it's BETTER than an orgasm. It's orgasm times 10,000. It's better than all the gay/lesbian movies you've ever watched in your whole life, combined. It's a million times better than L word and whatever.

I'm so in love with it. Until today, I still think about last night and all the witty banter on stage. (you probably won't get what I'm writing below, but if you've seen these plays, you'd know =p )

"Wanna programme my DVD?" .... "only if you press all the right buttons..." --> my addition!

"I step out of the MRT. *Bang! Bang!* I think it's a terrorist attack."

"Girl, ONE DAY, blood is going to COME OUT of your body."

From Godfather, to Godmother to... Goddess

It's almost like reading Elea nor Wong's play, Invitation to Tr eat. Just hearing it instead. And the stage actors and actresses were awesome, they portrayed their voices so very very well. Tone, pitch variety, volume, everything. It all resonated to me, even more so because I'm a toast master and these are the little kind of details that are not lost on me.

Later after the show, me and the say oni girls were giggling like silly children all over the place. Laughing and reliving every precious, poignant moment of the show that had left its imprint on us. Every exquisite moment which we tried to recall with fervent effort, but could only dredge up a few as there were so many and some were too fast to commit to memory. And how we predictably, in our itsy bitsy conversations, tried to sound as witty as the play.

I love it. I'm in love with it.

-------------------

CELL:

Cell today was awesome. J pulled off a fantastic lesson for us today. It was so seamless and so... sneaky, that I didn't even realise that it was a lesson at all. Imagine a group of friends, huddled over small tables at a cozy cafe, and someone poses a question, and that question leads on and on to more questions and discussions which flow all over the place but stays centered on one focus. God and Church. And then the lesson and conclusion of the discussion is the lesson of our Bible study today.

I didn't even know what hit me when I realise that cell had started and ended during the supposed 'coffee-talk' we were having. Amazing.

I love my cell alot. There are many things I tell to these group of men which I never tell anybody else. Not even my closest friends, not even to my own heart and head cos I'm afraid to voice it out. But with them, I don't feel the fear, or the reservations. And I know everytime I open up, its a carthasis for me. How I could tell them the most outrageous thing in the world, or the most deep-seated thoughts in my head, and they would just absorb, and be there to listen.

I adore it how they speak so eloquently and expand my mind with their thoughts and their reflections and their expressions. How every tuesday night, (whatever happens during the week is of no consequence) we would gather as usual, come together, and talk about the things that really matter. The big questions of life, religion, friendship, of being, of sexuality and of love. We may not have spoken a single word to each other for the whole week as we're each so busy. But when the group comes together, some sort of synergy just sparks. The Holy Spirit? I really don't know... But I know that this is one of the things that keep me sane, and that's gotta come from Him.

It's heartening how I can identify myself in some of the guys. How our life paths seem so parallel and similar, as though we were mirror images of each other. Just a different gender that's all. How I can... emphatise when KW says he's tired of being this certain way. And how he keeps wondering what went wrong. Why? I wonder too. All the time, brother.... (or should I say sista? lol)

What would I do without le vis...

------------

SCHOOL:

The past few days have been a living nightmare for me. A living nightmare because nightmares occur in your sleep, but I've been a waking zombie for the past few days. Totally shagged and drained by school. But in some sado-masochistic way, I feel strangely fulfilled. Like, the trial by fire of preparing for our L TB presentation, I really bonded with my groupmates and I really adore them now. We had so much fun and laughter, and jokes about each other:

"duduniao" and "nee nee nah nah". Haha.

I hope this doesn't end here. So fast so soon, as the semester draws to a close... I hope I can keep some of these people close to me throughout my entire school life. Because I believe we have the potential to become so much more than just classmates. Especially, V, M and E. And E especially because, you-know I-know. Haha.

I would gladly WISH for another project if that gives me more time to bond with them. If it gave me a little bit more time to interact with the people whose company I'm starting to enjoy. Why must good things come to end?

-------------------

ME:

Myself. I feel like a career woman these days. Always in presentation suits, giving presentations, discussing business stuff in meetings. Doing work work and more work.

There are some thoughts I'm trying to shut out. But it pops up from time to time, like how a mosquito suddenly appears in your line of sight, and you try to swat it, but it flees. And another time, you spot that mosquito again. That's how these thoughts play hide and seek with me.

Lately I can't ignore it after the events that have occured. Which I hate to admit to myself I enjoyed thoroughly. Absolutely, wished for more. It's so hard to connect and when you do, you don't want to break it.

There are so many factors working against me, and even before I ask myself the question or admit to myself what is going on.. I already know what I must do. But its a painful decision. Really painful one in a certain, furious, quick way. Something magical, this way comes. But forget it dear els a. It's a train you should let pass you by. *Ouch*

And I ask myself why. Why is it always like that.

But I guess like what the men tells me in cell, "Trust the wise old men". I suppose they're right after all, my day of reckoning will come. But what if I want it now, earlier, what if I want it to happen in a certain scenario a certain context. God help me please.

I know what needs to be done. But I hate that I have to choose this path. I hate it.

I wished for once, that I could fight against the very values that I believe in. In fairness and equity and justice and integrity. I don't want to do this... cos this goes against everything I yearned for.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

I can't believe I cried in school today. What a f*ck up. Pardon the foul language but it was really silly.

I hope it won't happen again. I hope I didn't create the wrong impression. I hope it brought my groupmates closer. It certainly brought me abit closer to them. Not that I want people to see me when I'm vulnerable. Nobody wants to be seen when they are vulnerable. Not when people don't know you that well yet. But maybe it's seeing that each of us are human that makes us connect.

Either way, there were better ways for me to connect today.

Don't want to remember today. Bad day, sad day. And I still got a million things to do and there's no more time left. 5 hours at the computer before and 5000 words later, now, I'm done. But there's still so many things left. So many...

One more day. Literally, no more time left. Maybe this is meant to be my first failure in school. I haven't failed yet. Not at all. Every test and quiz and exam and assignment so far was exactly what I wanted. That distinction I claimed to be mine. Maybe not this time. But does it matter?

Ah screw it. I don't want to have to think of school. Can I not think of sm u for every waking hour of my life?


I'm tired... of feeling tired.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qehxjub5lyo&NR

Watch and laugh. =D

Friday, March 23, 2007

Holla all sc gs girls, lesbian news from the alma mater....

We all know about sie and ch ua. Some of us might know about sea h and lee. Some maybe not. If you don't, you'll probably remember them as the home econs teacher and the pe teacher respectively.

There were signs in the past already, even when I was there. Even when the seniors were there. Y ing knows more than me cos her friends saw stuff. I only heard.

But today, I guess I saw abit.

After softball there was the requisite kf c. Urgh, I hate going there. The softballers in sm u always like to go to the big kf c near the kallang field. Where they proceed to throw all calories burnt down their gullet again in the form of fried chicken. I don't dislike them for it or anything like that, but its just that... kf c.... 7-8 weeks in a row? Lol.

Anyway.

I was walking out of kf c, when I saw the both of them in a car. Heck, lee was in the driver's seat and sea h was next to her. How metaphorical this is about the roles in their relationship, but it's implied by me and I won't expound on what I think. The car was being parked. I was on the phone with jo o. I saw them and they saw me through the windscreen. Although I was never their student, I think they kind of recognise me as an sc girl. Not just a look of recognition that is bland. The one whereby distant people see you, recognise you, and in the next blink of an eye (their eye) you know you've left their consciousness and they have moved on from you. But no, they held their gaze a little longer on me. That kind of look I recognise, the kind of deer-caught-in-the-headlights look. Or more appropriately, and aptly, the caught-with-your-pants down kind of look. Maybe they think I might know, or infer something, when I see the both of them together on a friday night going to a fast food restaurant. Maybe they know the students talk, maybe they know it's an open secret that is not silent. Maybe they suspect I've heard the rumours. Maybe they think that I would put two and two together and form an equation from what I see now and what I've heard.

Maybe they think I can tell.

Hell, your looks towards me is the answer already.

What happens if I was your student and I acknowledge you(s) with a wave? I did that to sie and chu a before, when I met them near wheelock. I even went up to say hi. Ran actually. They are my heroines in a way, for being so bold in such a 'delicate' work situation. And expectedly, they weren't shocked or surprised in anyway (not like the pair tonight). They were quite chirpy and quaint really. Like two old ladies with grey hair up in buns, rocking on chairs at the porch, knitting, living together till death do us part. I got a maternal vibe from sie and chu a.

From sea h and lee? It was more of a clandestine kind of vibe. But still. Whatever it is, I'm kind of glad for them, that they are still together after so long. I suppose perhaps it's tough to find people like you. And especially so in the education workforce. So when you find one you like, you probably hold on to them for dear life. I'm also glad for another thing. Se ah actually, is quite good-looking. Yet she's gay. Too good to be true? Seems that case most of the time. The good-looking girl = straight equation usually holds up to be true. Which makes life tough for me cos I end up liking all the wrong types, all the totally unavailable-they-will-slap-you-if-you-move kind.

But not so from time to time. Not so tonight.


---------------

So maybe God is fair after all. =)

Thursday, March 22, 2007

It's early morning in school and I'm freaking sleepy. But there was a little bit of amusement while the prof was teaching. I was eating my 'fast food' (cos I just grabbed it from the fridge and ran) breakfast and I realised that the super-ripe prune had a coffee note in it. Like I could distinctly taste a coffee flavour at the end. Which made me realise that perhaps, just perhaps, coffee and sweet prunes go hand in hand.

Which then makes me think of all the wonderful food combinations I discovered in the past.....

1. Breakfast combo (discovered at a very young age)
Most people probably know this but this is really good and hearty. Buttered toast dipped into soft-boiled eggs. Mmm. Me and my sister used to spoon the sloppy eggs onto the crisp bread. And then bite into it. Moist and crisp at the same time. Lovely =)

2. Popiah and advocado. (very recent, less than a month ago during the popiah eating fest of yan xiao jie)
A good and tightly packed popiah filled with tasty fillings are delicious on its own. But if you smear pureed advocado (it functions like a dip) on every bite you take, it's strangely nice. Maybe it's becos the popiah on its own is an explosion of flavours, but the bland, flat taste of avocado kind of 'soaks' up the flavours and make it less overpowering. Kind of like why people eat rice with curry and not curry just by itself.

3. Grapes and milo powder (this is a marriage made in heaven known by few, maybe only me)
Sometimes my mom will peel the skin off grapes. I always don't understand why she has to go to all that trouble, but she claims that the skin has pesticide residue on it and that we should not eat it. However I kinda had a love-hate relationship with peeled grapes. On one hand, they taste sweeter without the bitter skins, but on the other hand, they are sticky cos all the wet flesh is exposed.

You know how people like to eat white bread which is packed and folded with milo? And you know how people dip meat slices into batter before frying? Somehow on a mad whim, I decided to combine these two concepts and use milo as a 'batter powder' for the peeled grapes. Cos the grapes are sticky, the milo powder adheres very well to it when you roll the grapes in it. In fact, the grapes start looking like those cocoa-powder coated truffle chocolates.

And.

It tastes awesome. Slightly acidic, sweet grapes coated with a wet chocolatey powder of milo, bursts into juice and flavour in your mouth. Sinful but goood. However, only certain grapes are suitable for this. Crunchy grapes are no-no. Soft, plushy, big fat grapes with large surface areas are good. This variety usually have seeds.

4. Ripe prunes with coffee powder.
I'm going to try this soon. I have no idea how coffee flavour got infused into my prune this morning, but from what I've tasted, I think this is going to be a great combination.... =p

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

I feel so tired and drained. School is starting to wear me down, shaving down the resolve and sapping all the energy.

I count my days now by the hours. Hours of work I can squeeze work into. Hours spent in the hopes of creating that A grade assignment. Well, this time I've kinda given up. My latest biz law assignment will be a bomb, in a bad way. And I'm just too tired to care already, I've come so far and gone so much in terms of effort for it.

I'm tired of going to school, going through the motions of term. Weeks. Deadlines and quizzes. Meeting people who will only end up being the 'hi-bye' kind of people cos there are so many factors that work against us being more than just hi-bye. I don't know how some people do it. Maybe I'm not doing enough, or I'm doing something wrong. Or maybe I just didn't get lucky. And as we know, luck actually plays a big part in university. Surprisingly, it does.

I wished I got lucky... with the right group of people.

Too tired to think beyond the short term. Too tired to even plan for summer, to really sit down, think, evaluate, plan ahead, and reflect. I'm just trying to clean up shit as fast as it drops from the sky. I'm too tired to have msn conversations with anybody. Or bother to go online and surf the net. I'm only typing this now cos I just threw my hands up in the air (finally... or not) regarding biz law.

I live each day as it is. And my only solace or hope is that I somehow get enough sleep time. More than 8 hours is what I need. And I consider sleeping in mrt as quality sleep time. Transit time is something to be used. I think I have abit of imbalance. But isn't that the case during crunch time before term ends??

And that's another problem. Term is ending. So fast. Too soon, deja vu like last semester. Just as you start getting comfortable with new people you meet, they are going to go 'poof' next semester again. Sigh....I worry for next term and who I want to bid mods with.

Now I'm worried about these things. I have a feeling that as time passes, I'm going to get used to these worries. What's new.

Like some friend once told me,

"I'm tired of being tired."


But to drive away the weariness, I look forward to reading and driving these days. That's what I think of and aim for.


--------------

So I met her again at the traffic light. Great to chat again. One senior who is not so hi-bye and at least we can talk and laugh. Well, maybe abit. Smile again for me, it brightens up things. Leaving at the end of this year, I know it's futile. But to go so soon? How sad. Parting at the train station, too fast too soon, I sit down in the train. Aware of what just occured. What I didn't expect really, or wished too much for more. I feel my neck. It's burning hot. And I don't sleep in the train today, I think instead.

The only rush of blood of the day.

--------------

Sometimes I wonder what went wrong. Why.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Had the TO astmaster's area contest this wednesday. All my competitors had white or grey hair. I was younger by 10-20-30 years. I was rather worried about the competition. The thing about table topics (my category) is that it's ... unprepared. And alot of times, you have to draw upon your life experiences as inspiration. Therefore, statistically speaking, these guys (yes they were all men except for me) had better odds at the competition than me.

But heheh, the other good thing about table topics... is that you're far too concerned about thinking of what to say next, to be bothered with being nervous. For this particular table topic that I was given, "Defeat is never failure". I didn't have a concrete experience upon which to base the whole speech. So it was really impromptu, speak before you think kind of speech. Or at least, you have less than a second to think before the next word must come out of your mouth. It has to be that fluid. Although you can pause, only certain moments are appropriate, so choose your pauses (longer thinking periods) wisely.

At the end of the day, I still got 1st runner-up. At the beginning I thought to myself that I will be contend if I can get a medal, any medal. But as they say, you always aim higher and wished for more. I wished I won champion. Cos that will mean I can carry on to the next stage (division competition), but now my journey ends here. And I have to wait 6-12 months for the next shot at making it big time. Sigh...

Oh wells, at least I have a medal! And my name will be in another school email! =D Have been waiting for days for it to come out. I hope the T M guys do a good job of sprucing/spicing up the ad to get people's attention. Woot! I'm the first SM U tm-er to win a medal in a competition. Yeah baby yeahhh!!! Bring on next year!

Narcissistic photos of all my TM medals and ribbons will be posted next time.

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I think T M can be rather narcissistic. Go on stage, everyone hears you speak, hears your opinions. For a moment, you have ALL THE ATTENTION YOU WANT IN THE WORLD. And if you're good, like what zb says, you own the audience. Mmm. Have them hanging at the tips of your words. Everyone believing in you, nodding in agreement. Affirming that.


You are right.

That and you can also impact people's thinking.

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On another note, I have not planned what I want to do for summer....

Sa m says I should plan ahead. That's true. But I didn't know where to start... in thinking about what I want to do. Then she said I should ask myself a few questions, like.. what do I like, what are the things that will make me happy, or feel accomplished in these 3 months, and some other very good questions to aid me which I've ironically forgotten.

But yes, the summer is coming. (it's funny how in uni, you think of time in terms of spring, summer and fall. Even though these concepts don't exist in sunny Singapore). I shouldn't waste my three months.

Maybe I should do something life-changing with it...

Sigh, I don't know, but one thing's for sure, I want my summer to be fun =) I want to do something in which I will totally explode into happiness and joy. Some sort of positive carthasis would be good. That's when you truly are conscious of your being. In it's raw-ness.

I want to feel. Alive. Again. That's when my writing will also improve from the junk that it is now.


Cos school feels like a deadbeat unless it's sof tball.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

In the Penal Code, gay male sex is still criminalised. Now, the churches of Singapore want lesbian sex to be criminalised as well cos it's unnatural. http://www.methodistmessage.com/mar2007/penalcode.html

Why? I ask... why issit? That they never EVER condemn oral sex or heterosexual anal sex in public or in speaking or in sermons at all? Heck, they don't even mention it. It's all 'hush hush'. As long as people are straight, it seems that a blind eye is closed. All they can talk about is the other people, the gays, the gays are always doing it wrong. But we know, I know and you know, that the straight people are banging away in all sorts of *ahemdeviantahem* ways. Do I smell hypocrisy here? If they really want to be 'fair', they should advocate oral sex and heterosexual anal sex being criminalised. But noooo, heterosexual anal sex is now glaringly ALLOWED under the penal code. But they keep quiet on it. Hate the sin but love the sinner? If I'm straight, seem like it's love the sin and love the f*cking sinner as well! So if I'm straight and I go around sucking other men's ****s the church won't publicely denounce female ****suckers like me. But they have no problems at all denouncing the gays. Cos they think it's worse when two men do it?? Wow. I applaud them for this new low.


Seriously, with this kind of stand, I doubt I'll ever want to enter any church that is affiliated to the NCCS again. For the simple reason that if you are 'out' in church, prepare to be flamed by everyone else, including those who are closet ****suckers/anal sex lovers.
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Tony Campolo once preached a sermon where he said ""I have three things I'd like to say today. First, while you were sleeping last night, 30,000 kids died of starvation or diseases related to malnutrition. Second, most of you don't give a shit. What's worse is that you're more upset with the fact that I said shit than the fact that 30,000 kids died last night."

And he is correct. After that sermon he got a ton of angry letters from Christians complaining that he used the s-word.

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Alot of christians only like to look at details but fail to see the big picture. That being christian and loving God is more than just a bunch of rules.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Haven't blogged for awhile. Getting lazy. And busy. Finally borrowed The Shipping News and Invitation to treat (trilogy), so there's going to be a lot of reading that will occupy my time. No time to blog.

But I just have to blog about this. MADONNA!!!
OMG!!! I've been a fan since secondary school, when I heard Ray of Light for the first time. It's been a love affair that never ended. And she is one of the few artists who have more than one song that I like from them. Most of the other artists I listen to are either 1 or 2 hit-wonders. But madon na? Noooo, I have alot of her CDs, and me being a scrooge, hates to spend on CDs. But for maddy, I have to buy them.

And here's one more thing. Back in sc gs, whenever I asked anybody if they liked Madonn a, people look back in disgust/horror, as though I've just mentioned something repulsive. I only found one person who liked mad onna. But she was such a big star, and I couldn't understand why there were no fans amongst the other girls. Like... why? Then comes straight guys, none of them seem to like mado nna either. They either like those sappy cheena songs (if they come from a chinese-speaking background) or some hard-rock noise. And the les bians? Nawww. They seem to like those cheesy, les-identified singers. Not the Queen.

Am I the only one who likes Mad onna? For a long while, I thought this was the case. But I also wondered, if there's so few madonn a fans around me. Where are all the fans who made her big???

Now I kinda know my answer.



G A Y MEN!!!!

Haha. Both jere mys love her. They have her CDs, her concert DVDs. So does kok we i, kal vin. And those are the ones whom I know. Judging from this statistics, there's probably a hell lot more elsewhere. A HELL LOT.

Heheh. Another one of those signs which makes me think I'm more gay male than anything else (lesbian/bisexual/straight/pansexual/whatever). Like, I still like guys (bodies). I objectify them in the physical sense. As some *ahemmostahem* gay men do. I like madonn a. Haha big BIG sign already. (She's a gay icon you know?). I don't feel out of place among the 'boys'. Hmmm lol

Am I gay?



LOL

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Here's one of my all-time favourite madonn a song lyrics. I really love this song. Find it very meaningful. And lovely....

"Drowned World/Substitute for love" by Madonna

I traded fame for love
Without a second thought
It all became a silly game
Some things cannot be bought

I got exactly what I asked for
Wanted it so badly
Running, rushing back for more
I suffered fools
So gladly

And now I find
I've changed my mind

The face of you
My substitute for love, My substitute for love
Should I wait for you
My substitute for love, My substitute for love

I traveled round the world
Looking for a home
I found myself in crowded rooms
Feeling so alone

I had so many lovers
Who settled for the thrill
Of basking in my spotlight
I never felt
So happy

The face of you
My substitute for love, My substitute for love
Should I wait for you
My substitute for love, My substitute for love

Famous faces, far off places
Trinkets I can buy
No handsome stranger, heady danger
Drug that I can try
No ferris wheel, no heart to steal
No laughter in the dark
No one night stand, no far off land
No fire that I can spark

The face of you
My substitute for love, My substitute for love
Should I wait for you
My substitute for love, My substitute for love
Now I find I've changed my mind

This is my religion

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"We can do anything."

Coming from madonna, I believe it.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Okay this is long ago, but nevertheless, me, jere my and sam went to watch notes on a scan dal. It's probably one of the best films I've watched in cinema. To me, a great cinematic film has to hold my attention for the entire duration. Cos most of the time, I start to space out or 'come back to reality around me' while watching a movie, instead of being completely engrossed. A film is good when you're not aware that you're watching a film, but more like you're experiencing a reality. It's damn cool! But it's also damn freaky in a way. Me and jere my came out with this horrible thought that we'll end up as psychotic as jud y den ch in the film. Haha! But it almost replicates real life too (but real life is less dramatic) in the way that bar bara keeps 'changing her targets when they fail'. Seems alot like serial one-sided love hmm?

Anyway, after that mind-f*ck of a movie (it really screws with your brain), it was toastmasters and biling and pal came to check sm u out. And here is my contest speech! It was made during the SM U toastmaster's club contest which is a sort of preview to the area contest. So the winners of the intra-club contest will go on to compete in the inter-club (area) contest. I got 2nd runner-up for prepared speech but I won for table topics! Wee! That's a good thing in a way. Cos this means I don't have to prepare for competition but still I get to participate. Yay. I hope I win something on the actual day....

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Contest speech
Title: Differences

Ladies and gentlemen, we live in a world full of difference. Be it the colour of our skin or the language that we speak, these differences distinguish us from one another. Today, I won’t be discussing the blatantly obvious differences, such as animals vs men, race or religion, as these differences speak for themselves. But I’m more interested in the peculiar differences which are subconscious, which we think only from time to time or don’t eve realise at all. And it is these differences, which truly sets us apart beyond the very obvious.

Firstly, men can’t understand women and women can’t understand men, right? The differences in the way we act creates this mutual mystery. Throughout my life experiences with other men, I discovered that… most men don’t like to talk about their feelings. And becos they open up less easily, some men might come across as being unfriendly. In fact, the more macho or masculine he is, the less he talks. You see, men only talk when necessary, but women on the other hand, talk very unnecessarily. Hence, some guys exude this aura of mystery around them, a fog of silence which I cannot pierce. On top of that, I sometimes find that men, such as my father, find it very hard to admit mistake, apologise or ask for help. But women on the other hand, aren’t that ashamed to ask for help. In fact, we demand that help, by giving the nearest male friend or boyfriend our shopping bags when we have too much to carry. And I’ve always thought that these idiosyncrasies of guys are soo silly and that the female way of doing things is much more better and efficient. Why can’t guys be open and talk about their feelings so that I don’t have to second-guess or wonder what they are thinking, and why can’t guys just say sorry, admit their folly or ask for help? We girls are so much more enlightened.

Another peculiar difference is cultural difference. Singapore maybe a multi-racial society, but to me, it is a mostly-chinese society. Cos that was the environment that I grew up in and I didn’t have many opportunities to mix with other races in my schools. It was only at the age of 19, did I visit my first malay home during the hari raya festive season. When I visited my friend’s family, I was completely clueless about the customs and mode of behaviour that I was supposed to adopt. You know how in Chinese families, when you visit someone’s home, you made sure to greet the host and hostess. And if you were going to have dinner with them, you would wait for them to call upon everyone to join in for dinner. But it was different when I visited my malay friend. The house door was wide open and there were strange people going in and out of the house, who didn’t say hi or goodbye to the hostess. There was a buffet spread on the dining table and people just ate as and when they pleased! It seems that no one is going to tell you when to eat, and you don’t have to wait for each other to all eat together. You just take care of yourselves. And being a true-blue Chinese girl, I wondered, isn’t this malay custom a little bit rude and without manners? I felt like I was offending the host when I ate without their formal invitation to eat.

But the biggest difference among people is our principles in life. Most of us Singaporeans have one singular mentality that has been drummed into us since we were young. And that is…. We must have a dream. We must have a goal to work towards for. That is why, we have this concept of the 5 cs. Car, condo, credit card etc etc. And whether or not we achieve that dream, is the litmus test of our success in life. I believe in having a dream, and I’m sure, so does everyone in this room. But is it wrong not to have a dream? Is having a goal the only key to happiness? I have friends who are different from me, in the sense that they do not have a dream. But yet, they are happy with what they have. Think about it, our life is like a journey. And a journey, is a movement from one place to another. Some journeys start off with a destination already in mind, but other journeys go with the flow, and people just go where the road takes them. But despite the lack of an end-point, it is still a journey. And who am I to say that my journey with a destination is a better one than a journey that goes nowhere?

I guess what I want to say is, there are differences among people, and it is this differences that set us apart. However, some of us might think that our thinking or way of doing things is necessarily superior to others. Just as how I as a girl, sometimes think men are inferior to me, or I as a Chinese, feel that the malay custom is impolite, or I as a Singaporean, feel that aimless people are of less worth. But is this really true? Is my personal beliefs the one and only truth? There’s a saying that, Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks about changing themselves. Perhaps we all need to reexamine ourselves, and know that our perceptions in life are very much, socially engineered by the environment that we live in, and thus it is flawed as it is limited in scope. We can’t claim to know everything. And hence there can be subjective truths in this world and many ways to go about a journey. Our differences may work for us, but it might not work for everyone. Life, after all, is what you make of it.

So keep that in mind ladies and gentlemen, before thinking that our way of life, our principles and values, or our achievements and successes is necessarily better than the person sitting next to you.

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Anyway, I've just discovered a cute girl in my acct class! =D (yes its been 7 weeks already.. abit late I know)