Monday, February 26, 2007

A moment of revelation: I've finally done it.

Even though in a sobering realisation of reality, I decided that it would be stupid and useless to bring my camera to sent osa, just to take a picture of Flu Girl. But then on the actual day itself, and when I was witness to endless displays of her dimpled smiles and hearty laughter, I kinda regretted cos it was omg-so-pretty type of mental images.

I had to do something. To record it or something, to show the world besides sa m and jere my who were there on that day (and I instructed them to visit the first aid ambulance so that they can see who she is haha) who she is...

So on a whim, I got my chance while chief p was being cheeky and flirty with her again.



There.

You have it.



The 'prey'... is obviously.. on the right of the photo. And she is wearing.. ahem ahem, my cap. Mmmm. The typical sweet-girl-next-door. This pic doesn't really show off her trade-mark dimples, but it was the only one I dared to take. Taking one too many handphone camera pics of someone you barely know, is a cause for suspicion. And the clandestine operator must make sure his moves are not out of the ordinary.





Eye candy lah. She's just nice eye candy (and a nice person too). I am not doing anything, although it seems like I am cos I always gush about her.

Today I saw her a grand total of three times. Once for her to return me my cap after washing, twice more around school coincidentally.

Fuck, she's pretty. This photo doesn't do her enough justice hehe.

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On a less sapphic note, this week is going to be my busiest week ever. A thousand assignments/tests/project deadlines. Plus the youth group, say oni gathering and reunion dinner with the dad's side. It's going to be crazy. And here I am, blogging after writing my law brief for 1.5 hours. Cos I need/deserve a break seriously.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

I was going to blog about the latest toast master's meeting. But that is not so crucial, for today is the 24th of Feb. My eight hours with Flu Girl at sentosa. Well, it wasn't the full eight hours, for she came only at around 1+. But nonetheless, it was hours with Flu Girl.

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Also, I wanted to wax lyrical about the wonderful things that transpired, but I'm too tired, so I think I'll just get straight to the meat of the issue.

She's fucking pretty. Like omg-I-love-that-sort-of-beauty kind of pretty. I'm not alone when it comes to that mindset. The first thing the chief paramedic (whom we were supposed to assist as a first-aider during the sentosa sports event) said when he saw her coming from our hideout in the ambulance van was... "Who's the pretty girl there, is she one of us?"

And for the whole duration of our time spent together (me, Flu Girl, the chief paramedic and his assistant medic), he (Chief p) was flirting very cheekily with her. It wasn't disgusting to me, but it was very highly amusing. And she was so very cute while it occured.

"Tell me what I can do? I want to be useful" *looks sincerely*
"Oh you can massage my shoulders later" *grins*
"--___________________--"

She started to acquire pet names, and was amusingly christened 'sister-in-law' and 'girlfriend' by the chief p. He wanted to bring her out for dinner later and jokingly suggested that. Haha, I find it so interesting that she creates all this unintentional attractions from others. It's like how an ordinary girl isn't aware of her own beauty. Unlike girls who are very well aware of their gorgeousness and flaunts it.

And yet, she doesn't go out of her way to make herself attractive. Unlike many other girls, who dress hot and act hot and pose hot. She doesn't do any of that. She just came dressed whatever clothes she was comfy with, backpack included. She didn't want to go into the crowds (heheh) cos she dislike crowds, and pulled me away when I tried to enter the throngs. And during our time together, I was happy to tag along with her whereever she went. In fact, I made sure I was always around her =p Every moment is precious and I don't want to waste my moments with beauty.

You know how when people smile, they look so much more pleasant? And you know when people laugh, it becomes more pleasing than a smile? Yeah. Whenever Flu Girl laughed, oh gosh... I would think in my head, to myself, with a stoic face that betrayed no emotion... "gosh, she's so fucking pretty."

But besides her looks, which is probably 80% the reason why I'm enamoured, I like her attitude. It's very non-conformist. She's not like the typical sm u people. She even said so herself. She doesn't go much to all these school events, she doesn't like the sports that much (at all sometimes), and sports is actually very much a strong part of sm u culture ( very ac j c heh?). She's into reading books, how very quaint and sweet to me, I never hear of sm u girls bragging or discussing their love for books. Maybe their love for fashion or some other typical stuff which a hot-teenage-female would be interested in.

Most of all, she's interested in the 'uncool' things. Like first aid. Like name me one other hot girl in sm u which is interested in saving people's lives and doing first aid work. And she was genuinely interested, in all our real-life lesssons taught by the Chief p that day. And how she seems so very nice. That she brought some japanese friends she made in some cultural exchange around singa pore. Like I don't think I myself would really bother, but she does all this stuff.

I'm not surprised she lasted so long with her current bf. For she's really pleasant to be around with. And she really makes you wanna smile. We talked about mah jong and discovered that our chief p, who is incidentally indian, can also play mahjong. And somehow, we got to setting down plans for future mahjong sessions together. Which taadaa! Is more opportunities for me to see Flu Girl. Then as we were leaving the beach that day, she reminded me again that we should go play mahjong some time. Sure thing babe. Sure thing.

I suppose I like her simplicity. And her 'uncool-ness'. Maybe it's becos in a way....


.... I'm like that too.


I do like nice people I guess. And I'm starting to realise that I like good girls. No bitch for me thanks, lol.
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But of cos I know it's futile to go for her. And I won't. This is just going to be purely platonic. But it's always nice to be around her. =D Who cares.

Meanwhile, she's cute. And it takes my mind off the actual nitty-gritty, dreary details of actual relationship-seeking. Just another painkiller to numb the drudgery of reality. And hopefully, maybe I'll make a senior friend. =/

Friday, February 23, 2007

Snippets from my intellectually-orgasmic two hour conversation at starbucks raff les city on wednesday:

We all know that the age of the onset of puberty is decreasing. In the 1800s-1900s, the average age of female puberty was 17-18. Now it's almost 10. Why? Actually, puberty is related to body weight. Once your body hits a certain weight (unique to yourself), puberty will set in. But of cos in the past, malnutrition was probably rampant and puberty set in much later as most people take a much longer time to gain weight. And think about it, if you look at your friends around you, the thinnest people have puberty latest, whereas the fattest, grow their boobs first (its not just the fats, it was real breast tissue as well heheh).

And once puberty hits, what do adolescent boys do to appease their raging hormones?? Note that in the rural/medieval past, most people lived in an agrarian society. This means that they were mostly farmers and agriculture was their livelihood. Morever, livestock was always part of the household, be it for farming families, blacksmith families or whatever rural families you have. You would always see that families would keep animals for food/milk/manual labour etc. So what do these teenage boys do?

And.

If you realised, in Singapore law, the crime of homosexuality is unceremoniously linked with other crimes such as bestiality (sex with animals). WHY?? Homosexuality and bestiality are completely different issues but why are they lumped together under the same deviant category?? It reflects the past you see. In the past, in the far away past, homosexuality and bestiality was seen as abhorrent and sinful. Homosexuality becos of the church doctrines. And bestiality itself was very common in medieval times. Becos an average farm boy has no access to prostitutes, and arguably, the easiest way for him to satisfy his desire to penetrate something, is the family pig/goat/whatever. And it was rampant. So rampant that laws were enacted against it.

This brings me to the idea of rules and laws. What is the purpose of rules and laws and how and why do they come into being? Think about it. Do you realise that the creation of rules and laws are not for the prevention of crimes, but it is a reaction to crimes already committed. And thus, it is hoped that the laws will prevent the future occurence of said crimes. So if laws against homosexuality and bestiality was already enacted in the past, it must mean that these concepts must have existed long time ago, for law to react to it.

Which means, and many people (me included), always thought that bestiality was a modern-day sexual fetish that grew out of hedonism and declining moral boundaries. But no. It's as old a concept as when agricultural societies were born.

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Homosexuality itself is an age-old concept as well. The Han dynasty has 24 emperors. Out of that 24, 10 were known to have kept male lovers in the palace. We always see the female concubines of the imperial palace on chinese shows, but what they never show, is that there is also the existence of male 'companions' to the emperor. And it wasn't that the emperor was gay or bisexual. Maybe, maybe not. He just took it as his right to do whatever he pleases. (i.e. bed anybody, boy, girl whatever). After all, he's the chosen ruler of the middle kingdom as mandated by heaven. These male lovers were called the 'south wind' in chinese. That was the ancient term for homosexuality. Why? Becos it was thought at that time that people from the south were more good-looking, so the imperial palace sourced its male concubines from southern provinces. Hence the apt term, 'south wind'.

And as we all know, homophobia, was largely a western christian import. Homophobia did not exist in Asia in ancient history. When the first british missionaries and explorers discovered China, they wrote back to Great Britain about the debauchery in Tian jin, the chinese city. Tian jin was reputed to have at least 10,000 male brothels alone. Which means that gay sex was probably thriving in 'prudish/conservative' Asia thousands of years ago already. What's more, if you look at south-east asian languages, you will realise that they all have a specific, indigenious word for the 'third sex'. a.k.a. transsexuals. Tagalog, malay, indo, and many other languages (I can't remember all that was mentioned), have a word for 'transsexuals'. Which means that the concept of transsexuality already existed... long long ago in history, even before the westerners came and gave prominence to the idea.

But.

Surprisingly, they do not have an indigenious word for 'homosexual'. And if you realise, and look closely enough at Singapore queer history/culture. Most of the transsexuals are prominently malay. Isn't it? The drag-queens at clubs, the very sissified gay guys tend to be.. ma lay. It's disproportionately malay. Techincally speaking, one should see lots more chinese male transsexuals on the scene, yet you see more malay boys. Why? Becos it's in their old old culture already, the concept of 'bapok' is a concept that has been known (and more easily accepted), than the concept of homosexuality. Which they do not even have an indigenious word for. It is more acceptable to be transsexual, than to be gay.

Another very interesting idea of queer sociology is the butch-fe mme culture. Ale x thinks it's unnatural and fake. So do I obviously heheh. But its development is very curious indeed. Alot of it is attributed to the idea that there was a lack of healthy gay-couple role models, so lesbians in the '80s and '90s embraced the heterosexual model. As it was the only thing that they knew how to emulate, and humans, are very good at copying other humans. If you think about it, our whole lives, revolves around copying other people. Doing what other people have done before ad nauseuam already. We want to be successful, in the ways that others have shown how we can be successful. And so the lesbians followed, the only model of love that they could find. Which was the male-female coupling. Thus you have this very stark and contrasting and strong butch-fem me dichotomy. I hate that dichotomy by the way, I believe in egalitarian love. (But it's different when it comes to sex. That one you can role-play and be weak, strong, equal, whatever but when it comes to non-sexual status between lovers, no strong vs. weak for me thank you).

There is also a male-female dichotomy between gay men, and theoretically, it should be even stronger and more obvious than the butch-femme dichotomy. Why? Becos it's sexual. Becos in men's brains, and social conditioning, sex is more than the feeling. Sex is about power. That's why it's more common to have male rapists and men are always seen as the aggressor/dominator during sex. Men have sex also to display power, just as how some straight men get turned on by having sex with helpless women, cos women are seen as the lesser being in coupling. They are the inferior party in the power play during sex. There is a similar undertone in gay sex. There is the concept of 'top' (the dominator) and the 'bottom' (the submissive one). Most gay men stick closely to this imbalanced stronger-weak dichotomy on the inside (in their bedrooms). But for gay women, sex is not so much an urgent/pressing issue, but yet the dichotomy is so strong culturally and publicely. Why? How come, did gay men not wear the dichotomy on their sleeves, yet lesbian women do, when there is less need for them to do so?

Now, fast foward to the 21st century, you realised that there is a shift away from the strict definitions of the dichotomy now. Everything is more fluid. Lesbians know that they don't have to fit into roles of male and female in order to function as a couple. But why, I asked, that in some places they have actually taken this dichotomy to the extreme? Western gay culture, which is 10-15 years ahead of asian gay culture, has very extreme butches and femmes. For example, the biker butches (also known as 'dykes on bikes') are like the bearded, tattooed, bandana and leather wearing, harley davidson uncle dudes. But instead, these are women. Very masculine women. But if gay culture has moved away from needing the heterosexual model of love. Why does this dichotomy still exist? And why, has it been emphasised in more 'progressive societies' instead?


Me thinks it could be biological as well. Some gay girls are just more testosterone-driven (hence their gayness probably). But then again, this gay gene debate is not strong and you can't give firm conclusions on that.

Also in Singapore society, there are two GLB communities. The chinese-speaking and the english-speaking communities. Guess which one is more homophobic? You guess right, the english-speaking community. Why? Once again, the western import of homophobia. Gay culture in the '80s and '90s was largely fueled by the chinese speaking community (e.g. the bars were started by them etc), and they were the ones who 'came out' first. So whenever the govt talks about 'conservative asian values', if you think about it, it is truly the west which created the concept of being conservative about homosexuality. Asia was the more open-minded and progressive society. And when the colonists and imperialists came, they imported their homophobia into Asia. And when the western home countries themselves awoken and overcamed their own homophobia, western society became more progressive. But Asia was still left behind with the wake of homophobia from the westerners. And becos homophobia was a newer concept to Asia, we have yet to overcome it. Even though in ancient history, it had always been part and parcel of our psyche. And stupidly now, people think that homophobia is from 'conservative asian values'.

It's so ironic isn't it? So very ironic. And queer sociology is very very interesting indeed. =)

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There is probably alot more but I can't remember all and am too lazy to note down.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Yesterday was a terribly busy day!!!

I spend the morning trying to force inspiration out of myself to write my contest speech. It was near but impossible. The thing about Toast masters is that your speeches depend alot on 'epiphanies'. Thus it is seasonal and is not something that you can do as and when you want. The speech has to come to you, and you wait for it. Not the other way around. So since morning did not herald the light bulb's arrival, I decided to pray that I will get an inspiration within the day.

And I did. But more on that later....

Went to vivo at noon time to shop around with M indy. My first proper shopping trip of the year and I was in dire need of clothes. I also resolutely decided that I will spend the next four hours purely shopping until I get the things I want. Despite it's large size, vivo actually doesn't have that many clothes shops. There was a whole range of USELESS maternity shops, too many food shops, some useless har vey nor mans and golf shops. The only useful shops to me were easily covered in 2 hours by us. Oh wells, at least I got myself a nice top I like =), but me being such a finicky and stingy buyer, got only one top cos either a)the clothes don't suit or b)it's way over budget. And woe betide the short girl shopper, all the looong looong tops/tees are out. So are 3/4 pants and most pants (cos the cut is wayyy too long and it's going to cost me more money and time to get it altered). But at least, it was fun and I bought something!! That's quite an achievement already cos there are times I can shop for 3 hours and buy absolutely nothing. Unfortunately, I failed to get my shoes, my knee-length shorts, my accessories etc. For that, I guess nothing can replace orchard after all. =S

Then later after shopping I had to rush down back to the west for tuition, then rush back to central for the yOUTh meeting with jere my and al ex. It was very very tiring. Plus my feet were aching from walking so much at vivo already. But you know what? Last night, I had one of those, literally eye-opening conversations of my life. It was completely and totally, enlightening. I have never felt so small in my scope of experience and shaken in my assumptions. Wow. Al ex knows stuff. Like really in-depth and interesting history.

In the first 5 minutes of conversation, I already had my first epiphany:

How many of you like to hang out at cafes? You know, to sit down at a nice coffee place like starbucks or spinelli, order a cup of java and just watch the world go by. Or you could be with a group of friends, chit-chatting the day away at a coffee joint. Have any of you ever noticed, that there is a difference in the sitting posture of men and women. Now, men tend to lean backwards and recline on their seats. Women on the other hand, tend to lean forwards instead of backwards. There is a physical reason for this. And it’s called voice projection. Women generally have weaker lungs than men and thus it takes more effort for a woman to project her voice. That is why, when a women is using her usual everyday effort to speak, she has to come closer in order for people to hear her. Whereas for men, they can easily project their voice over a greater distance and hence, they lean backwards, while women lean forwards. Now of cos there are examples contrary to this theory, but if you observe enough patrons of cafes, you would realise that this is the general trend.

Becos that was exactly what I was doing, and whereas jer emy and ale x were leaning on their chairs. Which he pointed out.

Then later I discovered so many more interesting ideas and viewpoints, which if I were to elaborate all, would take me 3 hours to write (cos we spoke for 2 hours and for that whole 2 hours I felt closest to talking to someone like God, who was doling out all the sensible answers you never ever had the intellectual capacity to suspect before.)

Amazing shit.

The artsy people should have been there. Your 'hunger' would be filled by that level of thinking.

When I have time, I'll give out the goodies =D

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

There is a little part of me, that does not want to lose my innocence at all. That doesn't mind forever wondering how good things undone could be. So long as I never find out the reality of it, I'm partly content to wonder forever. And ever.


Maybe it's the peter pan syndrome. I don't want to grow up so fast, even though I'm rushing towards it sometimes.


I've lost abit of the innocence. And actually, I'm more loathe to talk about it and admit it. It's not something to be ashamed of nor is it 'sinful' in anyway. But it's significant cos it means I've lost abit of the innocence. And I don't really like losing any of my innocence. It's not something I look forward to at times, cos it's just a testament to my growing older. Urgh. Plus there's also this thing called 'delayed gratification'....I'm thinking sometimes it might be better.

Anyways,

Here are the pictures we took at the per anakan buffet! Where we compared schools and people, shared plates of food and took lotsa narcissistic photos. Me and the lovely lovely sc gs girls.


Left to right: Ther, Gay le, Me, Ros, Sam







No one was paying attention save for sam.



Deceptive ploy to capture cleaverage shot by ros. There's a more obvious one but I'm not showing that haha.

Look what the cat dragged in! *grins*

Hehe a little something I discovered on youtube. For all the straight guys and gay girls out there, here's a little treat =p Mmm-mm.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=yxhR5R7l-NY

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Happy House Song
We were all once strangers,
Who came from different worlds,
And together in this Happy House,
We became one person, one soul.
Different individuals, several conflicts,
Forced to live with one another,
Hard at first,
We thought it wouldn't last.
But then we stood up as one,
One that didnt fall.
We fought the greatest battle of all.
Although we've lost our dreamcatcher,
We'll find it back somehow.
Dreams that live on forever,
And never die,
In our hearts.
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I love 4 Pr =). This used to be our song.
My mom once told me, rather sadly, that your true friends are found early in life. That as you grow older, it is harder and harder to find true friends. I guess in a way there is some truth to that. That the purest of friends around me are those whom I grew up with. That I know when the world has disappointed and turned it's back on me, there are always the friends I grew up with. Who know me as me. Who may have changed abit since we started but at our core we're still the same. The same dependable genuine down-to-earth people. Those that really matter. And when the pictures and imagery around you start melting into hideous cesspools of filth, you hold onto those within your heart. And you know that not all is lost.
I've met other sc seniors in sm u too. And somehow I feel a bond with them already, since we are all from the same cloth. The same 'grooming'. That we all came from someplace special and only we have the priviledge to understand what it means to grow up sc gs.
To all the sc gs girls out there. *HUGS* You gals mean alot to me =) We are and always will be... a cut above the rest.

~* VRRROOOOMMMMM!!!!*~


Queen of the roads haha. Nothing makes you feel more like an adult than driving your mom's car.

And as a treat for the new year, I get to drive everyday for all four holidays YAY!!!! If you spot a black nissan sunny on the road and a tiny little girl inside the driver's seat with a crazed grin on her face. WATCH OUT!

Since mommy took leave for the whole week, that could possibly mean that I would get to drive during all seven days of the next week. Mmmmm. Plus she has been scolding me less in the car. Today at least. Yesterday while pumping air for the tyres, I lost the airpump cap in the internal workings of the tyre casings. This resulted in a 15 minute sweat-fest as I squatted over a car tyre, hands digging into the crevices and getting all tarred and black and sweaty and hot. Add in a anal mother who was screaming and hollering at you for your stuuupid mistake and carelessness, screaming on the phone and complaining at the top of her lungs, while the daughter looks ridiculous trying to 'dig for some treasure in the tyre'. It was not a pretty sight. Occasionally, I paused from stooping to inch the car backwards and forwards, in the hopes that the cap will just drop out. It did not.

&#($%^*$&%#!!!!!

But who cares, I'm a licensed driver now. Ha. =)

Tomorrow morning I have to do a morning pick up at Clementi. 715am. Drive the old fogies around to their temples for them to bai bai. Then drive to somewhere else and into the sunset (hopefully)

Els a. Female, student, softballer, homosexual, blogger...

...Chauffeur.

Speaking about TM, there are days I wonder, should I ever talk about being gay in one of my speeches? There are so many things to talk about. So. Many. Undoubtedly interesting things. And in TM, I always talk about my life lessons, and it's those speeches that you carry away with you. In all my limited experience in TM, I realise that humurous speeches are funny and 'orgasmic' for the moment. But you don't learn much from it. But those serious personal speeches, are the ones I recall when I come back home. They are the most memorable.

And I know that if I talk about being gay, it would be thoroughly entertaining. And eye-opening. It would definitely not be boring and everyone will be having blood-shot eyes. Awake and staring at me. I realised alot of times, you can read the audience's reactions to you during a speech. If their eyes are fixated on you, it's a good sign, if they are looking away, that means you aren't connecting. And I realise that there is one story of my life that never fails to make people's eyes connect with mine. And even though long ago, somehow, we promised that what is said within these walls will stay within these walls. I guess I kind of broke that promise, by telling it to people whom others don't know. But it's such a story, how could I not say? I told it to groups of people already, and it never fails to make them laugh and wonder and sigh. Moreover, if I had agreed to S Q21 months ago, it would probably be in print as well. The story of my life. Heh.

People tell me it's a great story and yeah I kind of agree. It's one hellavu experience. Painful but life-changing. Full of irony and sad humour. I do look back on it from time to time, and the people involved. And everytime I retell it, I relive it again. I can't completely feel once more what it was like to feel at that time. I try hard to recall, to resume that state of mind. But it's impossible. And I wonder when will be the next time I feel like that again. And what would happen to me then. I don't know, but for what it's worth, I know it'll probably make for a great speech.

The best I'll ever make.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Had a Toast Mas ters meeting this friday, in preparation for our speech contest next week. About 1.5 hours into the meeting, I realised that I was the only girl out of 15 odd people. Hmm. Not very good for girl-watching haha! (But that's beside the point). I don't understand, why so few girls join TM. Like, it's not the same in other TM clubs. Take N JC's TM club for instance, it's mostly girls! And I see an equal number of men and women at the other clubs. But how come SM U girls aren't interested in TM? Maybe to them it's not cool, not fun? Or maybe some are just not interested in this kind of 'self-improvement' clubs? Why do the guys seem so much more driven to excel at public speaking, that they sign up for TM and really stick to it?

I don't really understand.

Never mind. Who cares.

Anyway.

I did my sixth project and won best speech again. Even though I feel I shouldn't have and didn't deserve this particular one. Cos there was one really great speech by another guy and I felt this was my 'weakest' speech yet. I almost won table topics though... got a full marks grade. But I overshot the timing and was disqualified! Bleah!

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Project 6 (Vocal Variety)
Title: The good, the better and the beautiful
Intro: It’s not the good, the bad and the ugly. Instead the correct phrase should be: The good, the better and the beautiful.

Do you remember when we were little? When the great big world was all new to us and we were always discovering new things? Our parents were our guides then, holding our hands and making sure we walk along the correct path. They would always tell us, what is right and what is wrong.

“Hey don’t put that in your mouth! It is dirty” says the mother when a child tries to eat something from her nose.

We always nodded in obedience and took their words as the Holy Grail. If the parents say so, it must be so. When we grew slightly bigger, they would teach us about moral values and what things are good in society and what is not. Everything was black and white. There was always a clear distinction between good and evil.

However, as I grew older, I realized that the world is a much more complex place than our parents present it to be. Not everything is black and white. Sometimes, there is more grey than anything else. More specifically, there can be good, in the bad things we see. But very often, we fail to see the good when there is bad.

For instance, terrorism. We always say that terrorism is a bad thing. Yes terrorism is a bad thing becos it stems fundamentally from bad ideals and harmful intentions. The 9-11 incident led to many deaths in New York and broken hearts in many families. It led to the destruction of billions upon billions of US dollars and even more unrecoverable, the lost of an icon of the Big Apple. The world trade center. However, look beyond that ladies and gentlemen, and see the good that 9-11 has brought. 9-11 brought out the human values of compassion, of courage, sharing and perseverance. It brought out the good in neighbours and strangers, as people bonded over a tragedy. Many lessons were learnt from the incident, which enlightened governments and illuminated to them the loopholes in security. Without 9-11, America would not have united together as one nation for one purpose.

Here’s an example even more difficult to associate with good. Pornography. Yes yes pornography is always bad dah dah dah dah… so says the feminists and family activists. Porn leads to the exploitation and objectification of women. Porn is chauvinistic and leads to the inequality of the sexes. Porn cheapens something very sacred to the human psyche. Porn dirties your mind and your pants. Etc etc. But what you don’t know, and don’t want to admit, is that porn is a necessary evil. It helps people! If we didn’t have porn, millions of women (and men) would be jobless. You can say that people can find better jobs than porn, but ladies and gentlemen, I believe choice is a greater virtue. If you have choice, it is up to your own moral values whether or not you want to be a porn star. But at the very least, we should have the choice to be a bedroom thespian or not. Secondly, without porn, millions of couples around the world will have a worse sex life than they already do. Porn makes things exciting between a loving husband and wife, if they run out of ideas and certain toys. Without porn, men might start seeking the ‘real-life’ kind of porn, instead of the virtual one. Now that, I think, is worse.

Last but not least. People. I’m sure there is someone in your life that you detest or dislike. Don’t you? It could be a fellow ‘friend’, an acquaintance, George Bush, or those people who block your way when you’re trying to squeeze out of the train. Usually, when someone creates a bad impression on us. Everytime we think about them, it is about the bad, and rarely the good. What’s more, we tend to expect the worse from them and are surprised when they actually display a positive trait. For example, take a friend who is always late. One day he is late again and he calls you saying that an emergency cropped out. You might suspect that he is lying and giving an excuse. In another example, your class is forming groups and 1 person wants to join yours. But you think, oh that student is very dumb, last term she totally performed poorly in the class presentation, we better not have her as a group mate. But unknowingly, when we have purely-negative impressions of people, we surround ourselves with negative thoughts and that is the basis of this thing called cynicism. Instead, we should always try think the best of people.

A dad once told his son, “Son, there are two wolves that live in us. One is the wolf of fear and hatred, and the other is the wolf of love and peace. Both wolves are always in constant struggle with each other.”

The son asked, “Which wolf will win dad?”

And the dad said, “The wolf which you feed.”

So don’t feed your perceptions of life with negative thoughts all the time. That’s how people become jaded and tired with life. Try instead, to search for the positive in everything that you see. For there is no such thing as purely ugly or purely beautiful. Purely good or purely bad. And for every monstrous thing you come across, lies a hidden speck of beauty. But in order to see that beauty, ladies and gentlemen, you have to open your eyes.


--------------

This is one of those speeches which aren't really pertinent or personal to me. I just got this inspiration from the opinion of one of my com m's classmates. And I basically just fleshed out in greater detail what she said in three minutes. No wonder it's not one of my better speeches.

Great speeches. Come from the heart.

Here's a mindset that I grew up with in the unique environment that is my family:

I have a dad, who doesn't care about his health and makes light of the concerns of his own family. Over the years I've realised that it's pointless to cry over him and his ways. Or to worry. Or to care. Becos he will always remain in his state of denial. And no amount of persuasion is going to shake him out of that stupor. It's years since I bothered, and I feel a lot saner. And the times I actually bothered, I think it probably caused me more emotional distress than it did for him. What I detest the most is his attitude. That attitude. Of thinking that someone owes you a freaking living. Or worse, that society owes you a lifeline of help. That you deserve help in the first place. Here's the man who taught me the bitter lesson of undeserved help.

There are two kinds of people in need. Those who genuinely deserve help and are genuninely helpless. And there are those who dig their own graves, knowingly, and expect others to bail them out. Some others belong to the latter. And I have no compassion for such people, the most notable lesson being my dad.

Why I ask, why, does someone who gets kidney failure cos they cannot control their gluttony, deserve hard-earned public money?? Why, does the Aids victim who had unprotected sex, thinking that they're immortal and immune, deserve my pity? The smokers can get lung cancer and die early for all I care. Those who drink and drive and get themselves in an accident? I only feel sad for the passenger or the pedestrain hurt. Not the driver. That's why I think the govt got this part right. One of the rare good things I can say about the P AP. The welfare system only creates weaklings and people who take things for granted. No one owes you a living, no one owes you a second chance. You OWE yourself a responsiblity to take care of yourself. No one should have to clean up your shit.

There is only a limited amount of time in the world, and only a limited amount of effort you can expend before you wear out. Thus I'll only distribute my help to those who really need it. To those who really deserve it. Like the innocent, and the helpless. Starving children in Africa fall under that category. Gamblers don't. I don't have time to help everyone. And anyway, have you ever been in a situation where your help was spat upon?

Sometimes my mom tells me I should feel more 'empathy'. But please ma, this is my way of keeping sane in an unfair world. And there are lots more people out there who deserve my empathy. Conversesly, I really admire people who stand on their own two feet, who pick themselves up and know the meaning of self-help. It's called independence and is a trait that is often overlooked. There was once a guy in my F A class, whom through questions from the prof, it was revealed that he kept his own account of his expenses. Just like me. I tell you, I could have fallen for him at the moment of time. I started to see him in a new light, a light of respect. For there are few who bother to keep their own expense accounts. And there I found someone like me. Once more. Someone who knows a thing or two about taking care of themselves.

I don't give my love freely, cos you get hurt easily that way. Been there done that. I always think the best of people at the start, cos I have faith in them. But if they dig their own graves and shovel the dirt in my face, then I'm bringing my love elsewhere...

And I'll only come back when the time is right. Till then, there are other people who want of my love.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

You were a child reaching out brave and true
For big thins in the next room
And I couldn’t step into such open sky
Where on the crest of uncertainty you loom

Say, that you'll never run too far away
Even with all the answers out there
Where it's quiet but no one will care
Half as much as I care about you.

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Been listening to this song, and lately I'm having an epiphany about it. A few even.
It even sounds like God speaking to me. =)

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

There are friends who love you. Then there are 'friends' who only use you. Stay away from the 'users'. Toxic trash.

Don't know why but once again, thank God for cell. God created cell and fellowship to keep us sane and whole. But I did make a boo-boo during cell though, by sharing confidential information about the yOUTh group. I keep forgetting that in a situation like this, some information is meant to be private cos the group is still on-going and we are still very fragile. But it was good to share nonetheless. And about other aspects of my life. I just love it, how I would say a whole long story and they will greet me with silence. The smiling, "We know el sa" kind of silence. And how the much older, much wiser, successful career men will share with me what they think. They who have seen so much more and done so much more. And the artistic students, who will give me their literary perspective on things. There are certain things which Nic holas says which just astound me about his level of thinking. Becos it's very profound and when you think about it, really makes alot of sense.

And how sometimes I just love to disagree with J. Cos he's the prof (the 'always correct in class' one) and it's fun to engage in debate with someone more learned and scholarly than you.

And the more I think about E and his girlfriend. The more I find the thought of it so utterly charming. Just charming. To be gay for years and to one day, fall in love with a girl. It just proves to me once more that it's not about being gay or straight or bisexual or what-have-you labels. It's just all about love.

And I hope he enjoys his valentine's day today. Becos he is a good man and kind at heart. And very much like me in certain ways. I'm sure he'll have a beautiful day today, far away from the pretentious comericialism and cliches. Just simplicity.

May all the dreamers and the believers and the truth-seekers out there have a wonderful valentine's day, cos this day belongs to you and all who follow truth, beauty and love.

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"Your body is the temple of God. Do not desecrate it". Let me hold fast to these words...

Cell is a one of the life-savers really. Had a good time sharing and talking about God last night. Letting it all out. There's something very sacrilegious about Lev is cell that sometimes, it feels like a confession box. But this time, you can say anything about your life and people won't judge, they're hear to listen. And you don't have to give politically correct, textbook answers, you can explore your thoughts out loud.

Am looking forward to the new year outings =)

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Today, I spent V day with my LT B group. How romantic, lol. We were doing our cs p at this primary school, giving a workshop to potential prefects. It went pretty smoothly and the kids were alright. Not too bad, not too good. But they amazed me when they managed to work together and solve the difficult 'bucket' game. I was completely exhausted though. Very very tiring. And very dry... Talking to kids is a real challenge cos you got to raise your voice to this artificially high-pitched and fake-happy sound, and you have to talk. And talk... and talk... and talk... Didn't help that I was the emcee for the day. So that was a hell lot of talking. However, doing the emcee thingy to kids was quite fun. I love it when they respond to me when I showcase some 'vocal variety' (TM slang) =)

But I guess the suckiest thing about this year's v day is that... I couldn't collect any flowers today!!!! V day was always an opportunity to get free flowers to dry. During j c, at least friends were freely and generously giving flowers around. Flowers for me to collect, dry and add to my gothic flowers collection. Except for the plastic ones that Sa m gave me, I have none to dry this year -___-"

Luckily however, my mom did buy some roses on a whim earlier this year. So they are now in the closet, darkly and silently drying in the black. So it's not a gone case after all....

Monday, February 12, 2007

I am watching the victoria secre t's fashion show right now. And I'm going to give you a blow-by-blow account of it (during commercials of cos).




Oh gosh.




And for a stupid silly naive and utterly ludicrous moment, I contemplated not watching the show cos it's going to be the same (albeit hot) girls and the same old thing. And the modeling craze of my younger, more innocent years are past. I do not need a repeat. Besides, there are others to look at now.




But. Who. Am. I. Kidding? Old habits die hard...




I decided at 10.05pm to just check it out abit. And I didn't leave my seat till the commericals. Oh gosh, heaven must be an island filled with V S girls and I'm trapped, oh so very helplessly, on it. The music was cool, the dancing by J Timber lake was cooler, but it's all about the babes people. It all boils down to that. Everything else just adds to the ambience.




Stomp! Stomp! Stomp! Down the runway.....Flowing hair everywhere, great very kitschy cute lingerie, small little thongs, perky bras, beautiful wings of splendour. Cute little ass...




And jiggly.




I was watching and consuming little pieces of watermelon at the same time. A flash of jiggly on screen. Fork stops midway in the air. My jaw stays hanging, a fork-pierced watermelon piece rests precariously on a lip. Pink juice mixes with saliva and desire, drips down the chin. *Plop*




Okay haha. That was sensationalised. But something along this line happened. Haha. I amuse myself.


If I was an 80 year old granny watching this show, I would need resuscitation after this heartattack. Cos when Adria nna Li ma looks at you with that sublime deep deeeep green eyes, it's enought to make you pee in your pants. When ale ssandra ambro sio, (oh man...) does anything at all, the whole world is beautiful again. Haha. Girls, girls, girls, how can you not look at that bod and not want it? Like seriously?? *not want it the way that I want to be hot, but I want to feel that ...*



(Alessan dra on the left)




Life is a little less hard when there are things to occupy your mind with. Excuse me while I go back to my girls...

There are two kinds of loneliness if you're gay.

One. Everyone around you is the same. They are like you, so alike in your life path, your experiences and even better, perhaps your character. But they have one inner difference from you and that is they love differently. Small part of identity, but not insignifcant. This 'trivial' difference gnaws away at you becos for something so important, you cannot connect with the people around you. They feel differently. On the exterior, everyone's the same. But inside, you're lonely cos you're different.

Two. Everyone around you is the same. Inside. Everyone is happily and arrogantly gay. The most demonised thing has become the most natural thing in the world and everyone is a member of the club. What was once hidden is now inverted and worn outwardly like skin. This is the one net, the one singular issue which bonds all of us together. No matter how different we are. But the problem with diversity is that it is too diverse. That when you look closely enough, beyond sexuality, there is nothing the same between you and me. There is no one whom you can identify with, in all the other things that you can identify with in 'the others'. Ironically. The only similarity between us is that we are gay. And it stops there.

You thought you would be able to find the "missing persons" in the gay community. Those "missing persons" who are like you, similar. You couldn't find them in the straight community cos of one *tiny* differentiating factor. You thought you would finally find someone else like you. A person who was not only similar in character to you, but who also loves the way you do.

But I guess you're just too nai ve el sa, you're wrong. You're not going to find your answers there.

Sometimes, the more you know, the less you wished you knew. Ignorance IS bliss. As un-noble as it may sound, you can't deny that it is a nicer option. Sometimes. The more I see of this place, the less I want to have anything to do with it. I had hope and optimism at the start that you can be gay and just like everyone else. I haven't lost my belief in that. Separate people have told me that I'm not like most lesb ians. Well, I say thank God for that. May I stay that way forever. For there are many things I see which gay people take as a given, and I disagree with that. The mindsets, the casual-ness of it all. God forbid I end up with a girl that has those attititudes. But then again, there are painfully few gay girls who think like me. Heck I have yet to meet a single lesbian who harbours the same viewpoints which I don't express often. Becos it's not 'the so-called norm'. Maybe that's why I keep falling for straight girls. Becos deep down they are more like me. Than all the lesbians I've ever met.

When I look at the people around me sometimes in this rainbow world, I wonder who's for real and who are the wolves. Then I start to realise that you can be two kinds of gay persons. You can be an isolated pod. Far away from the thriving community. Living a life on your own in your own little bubble of safe secure friends. Almost like a straight person. Or you can dive right into the cesspool. You can totally immerse yourself in the community and live out your life in an almost-gay utopia. Having mostly gay friends, mostly gay social outings. I'm in the latter now becos when I first started out, I stumbled right into the heart of gay activism. And this is the environment as I know it. But lately, the first option is starting to appeal to me. Maybe those gay people got it right. The ones who do not fight. The ones who live life as they know how to. Just to be themselves and not think of big, bombastic, seemingly altruistic (whatever) dreams. An ordinary life. No one gave me a warning. That you become jaded fast in the community. That you grow tired and weary easily. Sure, you seem more mature. But maturity is a double-edged sword. The most mature people I've met are also some of the most cynical.

Sometimes jere my to me seems so much older than an 18 year old boy. 18 year olds are supposed to be 'fresher' in their life's perspective. But there are times I see the tired-ness in us. And I think, perhaps it's better if we were simple. Becos the simplest people are the happiest. And isn't that what matters in the end? That we are happy? Is that not what we work for and strive for all our lives, in every single action we do, be it chasing after money or fighting for beliefs or in our usual mundane chores...that the end-point is always to be happy?? I chose to remain true to myself cos I know that will make me happy. But maybe somewhere down the line, I got one or two things wrong. But if you ask me whether I regret my choices so far, I don't. Cos I know no other way to do things. These were the only options open to me. Anything else might have been worse.



--------------------------------



There are a million gay outings as always. But I don't feel like going for them sometimes. I feel like being ordinary. With nothing significant to do on a saturday or sunday morning. Just lazing my time away and perhaps chilling out with old friends. In the gay community, you have a million acquaintences, but few to actually call friends. Yet. Like I said, people are so diverse, you can't tell the real from the fake.

I think as people, we always yearn to find a kindred spirit. Some others just like you. Some others to affirm and assure you that you are safe in this world. That you aren't alone out there. I hope one day I can find the other 'me-s' out there. Perhaps I'm searching in all the wrong places. But if it is meant to happen, God will make it happen. And I trust that one day I'll be able to see His plan for me. Then I will know that these are just the stones along the journey. Becos right now, I don't really know where I'm heading. But I'll hold Your hand and walk on. It's the only thing I know how to do. Anything else would be a cop-out.



Nowhere Girl.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Today we had a talk in church, about living 'authentic' les bian lives or whatever you may define that to be. Turn-out was okay, I hope we impacted those who came in a positive way and that they took home something back with them =) Somehow I almost felt like crying while recounting my experiences in church today. I talked about the gay culture for youth and how I want something more than this. I don't know why, maybe too many things have happened, maybe this is all building up too much and it's overflowing. I sometimes wonder if it's worth it all, it seems a losing battle to me. Why do you even care? The more you know the less you wished you knew. It was good though, to hear the views of others. I was entertained by Pe trina today. And I also think she's a great person to talk to, very sagely and wise.

Met the sc girls tonight. It was great meeting up with them again =) Thank God for sc gs life-savers.

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I'm still the same person I am. Not my fault if you can't accept what I have to say either. But I say what I say cos I care.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

There is more to being gay than the clubs and the fuckbuddies and the open relationships and the smoking and the drugs.

And that's why I fight for the youths and why I believe so much in the yOUTh group and that it will one day create that positivity in the gay community. That we can achieve as well and that we are no different from the rest. That the only thing that differentiates you and me is who we fall in love with. Me and jere my believes in it and that's why we fight so hard for it, by putting in our effort and our time and our energy.

But not everyone believes in that anymore.

Don't even start about personal problems. There are a million people with a million problems. But some self-destruct while others rise through the ashes. There is no such thing as no choice. There are people who go through worse shit than you but you just don't know and they are my friends. But they didn't go your path.

Whatever it is, no one will bother what I have to say anyway. No one will care enough to listen.

Friday, February 09, 2007

I guess I've been blessed lately. Like seriously.

School projects are like.... *snap!* it's done. My project mates are so enthusiastic. Like SOO enthu in doing work. Like this semester, I've yet to meet someone without the hard-work ethos. FA group project is going well, I am so glad I emailed prof about the 'international stu dents' problem and got together with a group of fun guys! LT B is also good, obviously since it's a leadership course, people have to wayang in front of the TA as well. So everyone is scrambling to show initiative. No problems with me at all. I love it when people offer to do work. Plus I think my groups so far work well together without problems. Lastly I have yet to work with my biz law group, but I think 3 of the guys there are quite zai cos they seem to question and 'think' about the law problems we go through in class. I'm not too sure about the china girl with us. She is a black horse. I think it's the year ones, we are seriously spoiling our own market, everyone is a good project mate these days. Hmmm.

I also got back my FA quiz today. 31 out of 34. All the mcqs right. Plus I am only 1 and a half marks behind the poly accountancy student. That means I'm there. Good stuff, I have to keep this up. I pray as hell I do well for my biz law essay. Essays are very important to me. Cos it is about writing, and as an SCG S girl, you are damn proud of your english standard and writing. Plus I got free consultation with a lawyer on how to approach one part of the question. Thank goodness for the gay contacts!!! They are a life-saver.

Lastly, I love softball, driving, girls and others. These are the things which make life colourful. But for now, the girls part is getting nowhere. The driving is still risky and life-endangering. But the softball is always good. Always dependable, always there for me to forget. It makes all the hardships and have-nots worthwhile. Moreover, all I have to do is think of the family I have, and that stops me from asking for more. I have more than enough already. I have more than some others do. I have no right to complain. Seriously. Becos to complain is to be spoilt and to take things for granted. I don't ever want to regret taking something I love for granted. My sagely aunt used to say that the impulsiveness and impatience of youth is something you lose as you get older and you 'wise up'. Some days I think what she say is true. If you just slow down and literally smell the roses, it may be cliched but cliches are cliches for a reason, you'll learn that there are bigger things in life. And as youths, all too often we see what is only in front of us, but never the big picture.

Also, TM has started to become really fulfilling of late. I'm meeting new TMers from outside SM U and they are starting to provide windows of opportunities for me (e.g. the kids READ program). It's funny but I am starting to enjoy doing the 'guai' stuff... like TM-ing. I guess not many people would understand why it's fun and always scrunge their eyebrows when I talk about it being 'fun'. But then again, it's alright, as long as I love what I'm doing. Who gives a damn what other people think???

*I'm a good girl =) I like being a good girl. =) I hope I can find another good girl one day =) And it seems that good girls are rather hot. Like all the lesbian pastors that have visited F CC?? Their partners (who are also heavily involved in church) all look so damn good!!! My type some more) I hope I meet a nice christian gay girl. Someone like Flu Girl. Nice=) Also did I mention that par is hil ton of SM U said Hi and grabbed my arm the other day?? And I thought she was dao-ing me cos she knew I kinda liked her. Hmmm. Either way, it is a good thing. But there are days though, whereby I wonder where the good gay girls in this world are... I believe they exist of cos, they have to. I think one thing that really draws me to straight girls is that they are good. (look at the kind of girls I crush on in SM U, all the hot senior girls who are nice, very nice, to me) But I don't see that often in the gay girls I meet. Anymore. Like helloOOooOOoo... anyone out there?*

But most importantly, I hope SM U would be good for me. So far it seems fine in terms of learning etc (not the grades but what I've learnt). But friendship-wise, it's still a big question mark. Anyways, I can't wait to see the sc people this saturday. I miss my straight friends already. They keep me sane in a gay world that is increasingly tiring and making me jaded.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Every moment in life is precious. Cliched to death but it's true. And it's a lesson driven home to me after the wake on monday.

From now on, I should try to make each day a fulfilling one. And not go down the path of wasting myself. Literally. At the wake, how I hear of stories from others of people wasting themselves away in their youth, doing the supposedly cool stuff. Trying to be seen, heard. But to what end? Does that make you happier really? Or does it just shut out thoughts you don't want to hear in your own head.

--------------------

Heheh, clubbing's not my thing that's for sure. It also gets abit scary when you see dear friends get into the scene too much. (And I certainly see it all around me in every facet of my life). I don't know what to say. I'm not judging but I'm concerned. But then again, who's to say I'm right? Why would any have a reason to listen to me anyway?

To each his own. And maybe in the meanwhile, I will just stick close to those who are more like me. It feels safer that way.

A few days ago I had an epiphany about myself.

I was facing my friend and talking to him or her (I can't remember who), then I happen to turn my head to the side and glanced upon this lady. Now she had short hair and was tanned, rather pretty as well. But that's not the main thing. It was her tanned cleaverage. She was wearing this hot black number of a dress, with a plunging neckline that did wonders to give you a glimpse of what is more (underneath). In short, she had some great assets.

Now I was absolutely just gaping at her. Like my head remained rooted in it's 90 degree turn to the left. I didn't hear whatever my friend was saying, neither was I facing him/her. The only thing that existed in my universe that 5 seconds was that pair. Suddenly I realised what I was doing and my head snapped back to the front. It was all though I had been rudely awakened from a dream-state. The kind where you gaze off into space and someone brings you back to reality by repeatedly calling your name. I realised someone was talking to me, and that I should pay attention here. Not there.

It's that state of confusion/being dazed when you just awoken from sleep or a dream. Yeah. Funny. To me it felt like a scene out of a movie. And I realised how much of a guy kind of reflex action/response that was, coming from me!!! *embarrassed*

Anyways, I did my project 5 toast master's speech in SM U last night. I won the best prepated speech again (but that was because the best guy got disqualified =/ he was really good though). This time I got lazy and ran out of speech ideas, so I blatantly copied from me l's blog haha... this gem of a story which made me cry:

------------------------------

Project 5 (Your Body Speaks)

Title: Love You Forever

Chinese New Year is coming. And as is the case each CNY, it’s a time of reunion and celebration with our famililes. It’s an affirmation of our bonds. Today I want to talk about family. And here’s a story I want to share:

A mother held her new baby and very slowly rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she held him, she sang:

I'll love you forever I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living My baby you'll be.

The baby grew. He grew and he grew and he grew. He grew until he was two years old, and he ran all around the house. He pulled all the books off the shelves. He pulled all the food out of the refrigerator and he took his mother's watch and flushed it down the toilet. Sometimes his mother would say, "This kid is driving me CRAZY!" But at night time, when that two-year-old was quiet, she opened the door to his room, crawled across the floor, looked up over the side of his bed; and if he was really asleep she picked him up and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. While she rocked him she sang:

I'll love you forever I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living My baby you'll be.

The little boy grew. He grew and he grew and he grew. he grew until he was nine years old. And he never wanted to come in for dinner, he never wanted to take a bath, and when grandma visited he always said bad words. Sometimes his mother wanted to sell him to the zoo! But at night time, when he was asleep, the mother quietly opened the door to his room, crawled across the floor and looked up over the side of the bed. If he was really asleep, she picked up that nine-year-old boy and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she rocked him she sang:

I'll love you forever I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living My baby you'll be.

The boy grew. he grew and he grew and he grew. He grew until he was a teenager. He had strange friends and he wore strange clothes and he listened to strange music. Sometimes the mother felt like she was in a zoo! But at night time, when that teenager was asleep, the mother opened the door to his room, crawled across the floor and looked up over the side of the bed. If he was really asleep she picked up that great big boy and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. While she rocked him she sang:

I'll love you forever I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living My baby you'll be.

That teenager grew. He grew and he grew and he grew. He grew until he was a grown-up man. He left home and got a house across town. But sometimes on dark nights the mother got into her car and drove across town. If all the lights in her son's house were out, she opened his bedroom window, crawled across the floor, and looked up over the side of his bed. If that great big man was really asleep she picked him up and rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she rocked him she sang:

I'll love you forever I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living My baby you'll be.

Well, that mother, she got older. She got older and older and older. One day she called up her son and said, "You better come see because I'm very old and sick." So her son came to see her. When he came in the door she tried to sing the song. She sang:

I'll love you forever I'll like you for always....

But she couldn't finish because she was too old and sick. And her time on this earth was done.

The son went to his mother. He picked her up and rocked her back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And he sang this song:

I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living My Mommy you'll be.

When the son came home that night, he stood for a long time at the top of the stairs. Then he went into the room where his very new baby daughter was sleeping. He picked her up in his arms and very slowly rocked her back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while he rocked her he sang:

I'll love you forever I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living My baby you'll be.

After sharing this story, I just want all of us to remember that your family are the most important people in your life. No matter how much your siblings may have quarreled with you or hurt you, or how your parents have nagged or restricted you, those are only temporary moments. Because at the end of the day, as you lay in bed at night, either saying your prayers or pondering about the day that just past, you know deep down in your hearts that you love them more than anyone else in the world, despite whatever flaws they may have. As I’ve said, you’ll never know what you have till it’s gone. So don’t wait for that moment to come, treasure your family now.

Because friends and lovers may come and go, but your family means forever.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Played mahjong with Shu Yi, ra fel and her friend on friday night, after the hot salsa performance in SM U. It was the only bright spark/fun for a long while. Mahjong is one of the rare things which blocks out your mind so completely from problems and thoughts. It's a life-saver, like softball is.

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School is starting to fill up. Like a person caught in a drowning submarine, and the water level rises and rises, as you push yourself against the ceiling. You tilt your head higher, but your eyes are wide open, eyeing the water rushing towards your nose. There isn't much time left before you drown. Completely. Finally you're all submerged and you can't hear a thing. That's when feelings go numb.

It's starting to get to a point whereby I get by a week at a time. Once the week is over, it's a new slate again. The projects are piling up and I don't like it. I have yet to make new real friends outside of cca s. *Bad bad bad* And I know very soon, that this semester will be over. OVER. And then I'll be in freaking year 2. That just sounds insane, I have only just started university but everything's moving so fast. Someone once told me that university will be over in a blink of an eye and I didn't believe that four years will pass that fast. But you know what? It's starting to seem true.

I wish I could slow down time. Other things are starting to matter less and less. Like Flu Girl, sure I see her from time to time around school. But it's a hopeless pursuit so I just enjoy that moment, but am too lazy to gush now. I see other beautiful people from time to time but I'm too lazy to talk about those moments. Sometimes, alot of times, when you see beautiful people it just reminds you of how much more inadequate you are. Like how you'd never get there, or have that person.

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I once told Kav in, "I think I'm going to stop for awhile."

He looked me back and said, "But you haven't even started...."