Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Lesson 1: Don't show your discontent. People will always disappoint. So get used to it.

*grin and bear, smile for the camera*

Tiring day today. A lot of small snippets of time spent here and there studying my F A, on the train, before cell, during class break, during waiting times. Surprisingly I was able to absorb better after clarification with numerous people. I'm beginning to see the light. Plus I got another assignment during my lesson today. That means more deadlines for the end of this week/start of next week. It's starting to go mad. Like crazy-mad. Urgh.

But cell today was good! Surprisingly!! Even though it was only four men strong and I was leading (usually, I don't lead as well as some of the others, though I try). I learnt alot about people's lives today and heard alot of good sharing. For example, J org probably has the most interesting life experience of all of us. Him being an ex-cultist at the Chi ldren of G od cult (now known as 'T he Fa mily') and how he was 'de-programmed' by psychiatrists. And other really cool stuff like that.

I also made an observation today:

'Silent' love is a more beautiful love than 'loud' love.

You know how some couples like to blatantly 'express' their intimacy in public. Like kiss, hug, have eyes only for each other that kind of sarcharrine sweetness thing? It's very obvious their love, but it's also very cliched. Cos everyone's all over each other. Sometimes it just makes you go, "Not in my face please."

Then there is another form of affection. One that is subtle and quiet. Like it's the love that you don't 'see', but it's the love that you can 'feel'. Take this really deep and nice gay friend of mine, he's name is E and he's in his 30s. After being gay like since... forever, he has met this woman and for the first time, is deeply in love with her. And I find it so magical. Becos even though he doesn't like to reveal too much about her or gush or 'revel' in her, I can see the quiet love that does not show. How he goes off on a vacation with her and is silently smitten over her. And it also proves to me that love really transcends the boundaries of gender. If a gay man who has been gay all his life, can one day fall for a woman, what more you and me? Love is not so much about the 'outside', but ultimately it's the 'inside' that counts. And I think the quiet love which does not show but enamates from within is the most beautiful of all.

It's like the kind of love that when your lover is asleep and you look upon them silently and smile from within. It's the kind of love that your parents look at you with silent pride and satisfaction when you smile and call them 'pa' or 'ma' as a toddler. It's the love you don't profess to your siblings or family out of pride but you know you love them more than anybody in the world and would die for them. It's the love that doesn't ask for anything in return (cos 'loud' love expects similar reciprocation and 'loud' love to be given in return). It's the love that you only tell to God cos it's sacred.

Today I was in the mrt, and I saw 3 couples. 2 were on the seats, in the usual couple embrace. The third couple was very young and they had a small child with them. Must be a shot-gun marriage I presumed. The father was very ah-beng, with his hairdo, ear piercings and clothes. But he was tender with the child, kissing her on her head and staying close to his daughter. To see an ah-beng show such affection was heart-warming. He is a father. A father. How beautiful is that? How beautiful is that love? He didn't have to kiss her head to let me know that he loves her. Quiet love is 'felt' not seen. And even though E is a hundred miles away in a foreign land with his girlfriend, I can feel the quiet love already.

Cos you don't have to say or display it, it already shows...

Monday, January 29, 2007

Oh Gosh. I am so freaking tired. So very very drained. What makes it worse is that I feel an incredible need to sleep even more for longer hours and take more naps, which then takes up more of my time and makes me even more pressed for time and stressed.

ARGGHH!!!

It's everything lah. Everything's piling up. The yOUTh group has started weeks ago and now we've just covered a (very brief cos people were hideously late) session 2 on 'Coming Out'. Now I'm starting to feel the heat of doing this project, it is really time and mentally-consuming indeed. Spend about 6 hours over the weekend on the yOUTh group itself, and post-sessions we still have alot of admin/misc stuff to take care of. A million and one things which sometimes slip my mind cos there's so many to remember.

And then there's school. Duh.

I've a F A presentation AND quiz on the same lesson this thursday. Plus a biz law essay to be handed up next monday. F A.. being F A.... is insane! It's so damn hard to understand at this moment cos you're only slowly learning the pieces of the puzzle, but nothing, truly, totally makes sense until you can see that big picture. So here I am trying to figure out concepts with what little I know. ARGHH! Plus there is cell and ccas, and tuition to give.

Today I spend 3 hours after returning home, staring at my textbook and computer, trying to learn something. Urgh.

A few good things did occur today though, I saw my eye candies, Flu Girl and Par is Hil ton. I just don't understand, the girls I find beautiful/alluring, to other people, they are only.. ."okay lah". I quote two people today:

Met m indy and we went to kopitiam. Then I saw Flu Girl and I was like omgomg, finally, someone to show Flu Girl to. Then after she saw her, she was like... 'okay lah..' -_- Then the same thing later occured with Y ing, I pointed out Par is Hil ton to her at the campus green (we were there for tug-of-war) and she also went..."okay lah".

Well.
Fine! Heheh, I shall look at them MYSELF lol. All mineee to look at!!! *pout*

P.S. I think, after today, I shall not be taking a picture of Flu Girl at Sen tosa on the 24th. Why? Becos I don't want it to end up like Par is Hil ton, whom I think suspects I like her (becos I msn-ed/sms-ed her a wee bit too much for an 'acquaintence'). So I don't want Flu Girl to suspect even anything (or have any reason to suspect). Thus I shouldn't do things that are too odd in front of her. For today, I already realised that I'm getting nervous in front of her. Bad thing el sa, bad thing to do. It just throws your game away.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

It was NU RIA's Birthday on this monday and I went ALL THE WAY DOWN to NT U to pay her a long-awaited visit~! HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRL!!!!! Come visit me in SM U soon!!!

It was quite fun! The getting there was horrendous though, it was very far from school and it was so dark at night I could barely see where my bus stop was. Plus. I had the misfortune of meeting idiotic P RC shits from NT U who couldn't comprehend me or speak english for nuts. Who gave me all the wrong directions and don't even know his way around. (But there was one anomalous example of a PR C girl who ... even though she couldn't really speak... at least was kind enough to escort me to the destination canteen).

*And just today, another PR C shit stared at me blankly when I was asking him directions around a strange HDB estate. And also on tuesday, one of them 'international cheena' students stared at me for a long while after I asked him when I could use the pool table. It's like they will stare at you like you are an alien.... speaking in an alien language...as though taking a very very long time to process your refined Queen's English. I dub it the 'China Stare', hallmark of a PR C. But not all are so bad. There was this one PR C girl who spoke pretty fluently to me once, even though her accent was still strong. What's more, I've noticed a trend, it's usually the PR C guys who are more inept in English and prone to China Stare Syndrome... but the girls are much more better.*

Either way, after I reached the canteen, a whole group of people were already gathered to celebrate Nus' birthday and were having dinner. So I joined them and tried the food at NT U. Not bad =) Quite cheap too I must say, in comparison to Smugger U. (Haha S M U + Mugger = Smugger. Get it?). Then we had a tour of the halls and people's dorms. After seeing the state of sanitation and dorm-living, I think I want to seriously reconsider on-campus living. Like maybe, it's a great idea to have the comfort of home after all, for I cannot IMAGINE sleeping with bra, bathing in less-than-clean facilities everyday. No privacy and having to live with others. Drying my clothes in the common corridor and seeing everyone else's dirty linen. Also, many hall residents like to leave their doors open such that you can peek inside. And I tell you, it is not a pretty sight. In fact, the guys are just downright gross. They are either shirtless with fats sagging all about their bodies as they slouch in front of the laptop. No muscles here sorry. Or they are in bed with hairy (very hairy and curly black hairs some more) calves and broken-skinned feet sticking out of bed covers. Or unshaven. Or with terrible complexion which looks oily and unwashed. Or with hair that is atrocious and not styled/neat. Worse, none are cute.

The girls are not so bad. At least they present themselves decently. Hair looks alright, face looks clean. And even though they aren't cute, at least they are pleasant when accidentally looked at. Not like the guys whereby you shudder when your gaze lands on them. Men are such disgusting creatures. (Except for gay guys maybe). I also realised that on trains, it is usually guys who smell bad. Like girls do smell bad too but it's not so strong/pervasive? Like some guys smell so bad I wanna puke, like you can tell the smell is the shirt + sweat kind of smell? URGGHH!!

We girls spent most of the night, surfing through people's friendsters and facebook and that funkygrad website, looking through pictures of cute/pretty/hot girls. And I made one very interesting observation. And that is how girls (straight, gay or whatever) have no qualms about openly appreciating female beauty. But for men (especially straight men), it is a threat to their masculinity if they ever call/discuss about another guy being cute/hot. Like, some of them don't even think about how other guys might be hot. But girls compare/think about it all the time. Like we girls are so aware of the beauty of our own gender. But men choose to close both eyes and be blind to the beauty of their own gender (at least the beauty of other guys and sometimes even their own, for those who don't bother about appearances). That makes me quite glad to be a gay girl. At least you can still gush about girls to fellow straight girls. For gay guys, you can't gush about guys to fellow straight guys.

I can't wait to bring the NT U people to SM U. And show them the meaing of hot. And I do hope that when they come, I get lucky that day, in the sense that it's the time where all the hot people are out and about around the school underground so that the NT U people will be convinced about the SM U myth (that the hottest uni girls are in SM U). I mean, it's true lah. Almost everyday my beliefs on that are reaffirmed. Just this tuesday, I was exercising in the gym in the evening. Now, SM U's dance club holds practices on tuesday nights. And after I bathed and was coming out of the shower to pack up my stuff, alot of the dance girls started coming in and getting prepared for their dance session. I was like....whoa... why are there so many hot girls entering the toilet all of a sudden? Like girl after long-haired/well-dressed girl, came in one after the other into the toilet dressing room.

And I was whoa.

Whoooaa.

WHOOAAA.

Then I realised it was time for the dance practice to begin. Ahhh so those are the dance girls... Mmmmmm. *slurp* Thus, I shall now fix a usual gym time =D If I don't see Flu Girl at the gym, at least there are substitutes... and plenty of them hehe.

Sigh... they are so beautiful. *smiles*

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Today I went to Ngee An n Poly for the openhouse and the TM workshop for club officials. (As I have been unceremoniously Selected as the secretary.. by an email prodding me to consider the post.. and show some leg at the same time haha).

It was quite good!~ There was this very amazing matronly woman speaker who had such cheer, zeal and infectious humour/laughter that she was a one-stop entertainment machine. Plus she was much more mature than many of us and was an ex-president of A WAR E. Very cool! I adored her! I also learnt alot of REALLY useful things about leadership during her talk. Like seriously, I didn't think I would actually take home something of use from this workshop but I was wrong. Even L TB (some leadership module in SM U) isn't anywhere as useful as this workshop.... as all the 'theories' learnt in L TB are those you already more or less know. But today, I had surprising insights and a newfound perspective on leadership. And there is one thing more important than all other skills in being a good leader. That is. Humility. You have to go through the workshop to understand why.

Other than that, I also met BL today and tried out the archery in the openhouse. Archery is very FUN!!! haha! Surprisingly. I tried using the proper bow and proper training arrow and that was so much nicer than the demo/kiddie version that they let the others try. Plus I also managed to hit the center a couple of times and that was cool! Hmm.... if I had a chance, I don't mind trying out more archery. After awhile, you get used to the weight of the bow and the tension of the string. Plus it's nowhere as exhausting as tire batting for softball, so I think it should be quite alright =). Just stand and shoot! Whee~! The only problem was my fingers had abit of abrasion after shooting countless arrows.

So that was all for today. Other than that, we had an informal yOUTh group makan outing at Marina. I'm tired and I shall stop here.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Experiences in being surrounded by all-male company (straight or gay, SM U or 'outside'):

You know you're a girl when....
You have problems finishing your initial plate of rice ... and the rest have already started on their second BOWL.

You know you're a girl when....
You pass your driving test on the first try and people claim it's your spaghetti strap/mini-skirt/you hold the bottom of the steering wheel when you drive, such that your upper arms are squeezing up against your boobs. Anything but actual driving competency.

You know you're a girl when....
You conveniently pass your heavy bag to the nearest male for him to carry. And it's your right to do so. Plus they are willing to help.

You know you're a girl when....
Everyone laughs in a low bassal "hur hur hur", whereas yours is the only high-pitched squeal.

You know you're a girl when....
Everyone around you talks about the army, and you feel priviledged that you are left out of the conversation and do not ever have to understand/experience what all the terms mean.

You know you're a girl when....
You get 22 points in your driving test and you cry in front of the tester. And he passes you. (A story I've heard)

You know you're a girl when....
People around you talk crudely about sex and when you laugh/respond positively, they ask, "Hey you're alright with us speaking like that right?" And delve right back into said crude sexual conversation.

You know you're a girl when....
People are doing all the joking and you are doing all the laughing.

You know you're a girl when....
Everyone is talking about girls and you're chipping in merrily. (wait no, that means you're lesbian!)

Thursday, January 18, 2007

A metaphor today.

My flight awaits me although it's delayed. I have a few hours before it's time to say goodbye and leave this sorry place. But while I wait for my flight I have alot of time on my hands. Perhaps I should stop pondering and fidgeting about when that flight will ever come and do something constructive instead.

So I look around me and assess my surroundings. There aren't many things to do in an airport. Plus the airport is closed to the outside world, and thus I cannot explore there. But what I can do, is all in the airport. There's a sad-looking cafeteria selling food which I've already eaten ad nauseum. There is the average toilet which I've visited a few times, not out of neccessity but out of boredom. There is the small little arcade filled with trivial games that I play over and over again. But it only amuses, it doesn't satisfy. And when I stop playing, I come back to the reality of waiting.

But I should be satisfied. I should be glad for air-conditioning, for the sitting (and not squat) toilets, for the cushioned chairs and the nice, quaint fellow travellers. I should be glad for all these small little details which I take for granted, which I feel is owed to me and is my right as a priviledged middle-class citizen. (what bullshit)

But no, the stagnant waiting room of the airport can't compare to the freedom of flying 10,000 miles above. Or so I imagine. So I idle about and sigh. The tourists brochures conveniently displayed all around me do not help. For they only give me an image of what awaits. When, if, my flight comes for me.

I try to learn to sit still and smile. And make real use of my environment. But my mind is forever elsewhere. And though I wished it wasn't so and tried, here I am whinging. Again.

So I walk away from stoning at the benches, cos the arcade calls to me. And I know for a moment, just one moment, I can stop thinking. Isn't it a joy sometimes to stop thinking? To not think at all? Wonderful.



The worst prison in the world is your mind.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Training was MAD today. It was 'shiong' and I panted like crazy. Non-stop fielding is a killer, but then again, it's also one of the most fun things in softball! =) Plus, my worst nightmare has come true. I will be forced to change my pseudo side-throw. It's very hard to change it and everytime, my arm will hurt when I try to transition. I also throw shittier when I'm trying to adjust to the new style of throwing. But let me not BORE you with my dissection of softball and the intricacies of the sport. Let's talk about something which might be MORE INTERESTING INSTEAD!

Flu Girl!

I met her today. Again. YAY.

I was on my way to school from city ha ll mrt, and at the first traffic light... hark do I spot a familiar dimple? Is that a bird? Is that a plane? No, it's FLU GIRL! *swoons* I quickened my pace and walked till I was right beside her. But.. I first have to gauge her response to me and acted like I *haven't seen* her yet. (because she might be the kind of person who ignores you if you pass them by and you are just an acquaintence. I can't really stand those people, then again, I act like that from time to time). Fortunately for me, she recognised me and called my name! Oh, that voice! Woot~!

And thus marked the start of my 5 minutes in heaven with Flu Girl walking beside me all the way to school... and we chatting with each other. It was nice. And she is cute. Mmmm. Very nice indeed. Her eyes have sparkle, they really do. And when she smiles, it's showtime for the ohmygawd dimples~! It makes you wanna squeal. I was so happy. Today.

Sadly, she was going for her jap class elsewhere and I was going for the SM U Glbt meeting at the business school. At first I was kind of hoping that she would be going to the classes at the business school, so that she can pass by our group study room and I will finally, finally, have a chance to show some people the real Flu Girl. And prove my hype over her. But no....

And when we (sadly) parted ways too fast too soon, I walked to the gsr grinning like a mad idiot. And when I finally sat down in front of jere my, cyn and sam, I was grinning like a cheshire cat. Haha. It took me a whole 10 minutes to settle/calm down, after hyperventilating and relating in minute detail my entire walk with her to them.

For the rest of the day, when my mind wasn't occupied by anything of importance, Flu Girl would be there. Hee....



She rocks.

And I will try my utmost best to take photos on 2 4th feb. The day I have 8 official hours with her. Then the world can share my joy....

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

I had alot of fun today at TM.

Actually, it wasn't a proper Toast masters meeting. It was a workshop on 'How to conduct effective group meetings'. Since SM U students spend half of their school lives in Group Study Rooms slogging away in project meeting after project meeting, this workshop was more than apt. Alot of people from outside the CCA signed up and it was supposedly going to be full house (but of cos people didn't turn up last minute).

Me, the president (Vin) and another TM year 1 guy (called zb) were going to be the receptionists and usher the 'customers' in. As for refreshments for the 'clients', we had packet drinks and a bottle of Chardonnay (which was mostly drunk by me in the end anyway, and I turned red). So the three of us mostly sat outside the classroom chit-chatting. Then zb asked me about one of my speeches (project 3: People) and where I met all the people that I knew.

So I told the truth.... and came out to him.

And it was pretty cool! Cos he was cool and even pleasantly surprised about it. Then he asked whether I was the girl or boy in the relationship, and I told him that I don't believe in gender roles in a relationship. And I further explained by saying that I believe that love crosses all boundaries, be it race, religion and even gender. That the person I love in the end, is not dependent or defined by WHAT he/she is.. but the person inside. Then he had this quizzical look on his face and said it was an interesting point of view which he didn't hear of before. So I got really positive responses from him! =)

Anyway, then Vin starting chiming in, and asking/kidding me about gay stuff and clubs etc. And later on, we started talking more and more about sexuality, gay and lesbian stuff (of cos they were VERY interested in the lesbian stuff). And then, we came to my pet topic.....hot girls in SM U =p HAHAHA it was super-fun! We started trading gossip and cute-girl recommendations. Like who's hot and who's not. Who is eyeing who etc. Who was 'a slut' (the guys said that not me). Two horny straight guys and a lesbian, haha, talking about girls non-stop. I was also introduced to a babe-watching website about the hot local uni girls. http://www.funkygrad.com/

And THEN.... we started trawling OAS IS and the online photos there. OA SIS is a student intra-net for the school, and it has ALL the passport photos of ALL the students uploaded there. So we started showing each other the hot babes we knew according to faculty and year. And we spend a good one hour, scrolling through photo after photo, ogling over girls. I intro-ed them to my two favourite eye-candy seniors, Paris Hil ton and Flu Girl. Zb knew Par is through one of the orientation camps, and he agreed with me that she was HAWWT.

Even better, Vin knows Flu Girl!! She was in his marketing class last semester. And he agreed that she was pretty, saying that "she has....[looks towards the heavens and ponders] very unique features." Then he got very interested about how I came to know Flu Girl, and if he stood any chance with her (I had to disappoint him as she has a boyfriend of 5 years, sigh). Then I bragged about how I have both girls on my msn. Heee =p Later at the end, we decided that we needed to regularly trade 'info on hot babes'. It was really fun!~

Yay! Now I can GUSH about Flu Girl to the boys! So cool!

Besides that, I also saw Par is Hil ton today. Met Shu Yi and brought her around to check out the hot babes in school. She was talking about girls SO LOUDLY in school, that I was kind of disturbed lol. Plus we stumbled upon Min dy and friend, and the friend was of 'interest' to SY. Haha.

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Argghhh! See? I'm not the only one enamoured with Flu Girl! She's REALLY cute! ARGGHHH!

Monday, January 15, 2007

Blogger is soo insidious...

It has been malfunctioning for days. And I have a feeling it's due to the new Blogger-Google collaboration and how Blogger is subtlely trying to *urge* me to switch to the new template... by providing lousy service on the old Blogger.

Anyway.

I've been feeling snowed under lately. But today I read through again the old articles I wrote on SAY ONI, and I realised I've lost sight off the real people I want to fight for. For too long I've been surrounded by people who are so well-adjusted to their gayness that they truly personify the ... gay is another word for 'happy'... positive kind of gay person. Then at the say oni gathering on saturday, I met someone who had just 'recently' came out and was kind of exploring. That felt like a breath of fresh air, and I was intrigued becos these are the very subjects that are important to me in the very first place. To discover yourself and that learning journey. I used to speak so much of youths who are young, like really young, like 16-17 or 18. Who are still in school and surrounded by heterosexuality. Who have no gay friends or gay role models. Who don't really know what to do or think about what is happening inside their heads. They are the ones who spark my desire to help. Becos I was originally like that.

I guess from time to time, in a race like a marathon, you have to remind yourself of what spurred you on to run. Don't be blinded by the goal in front (and how far it is) or the people cheering you on waving at the stands (those who heap praise on you), becos your mission is not done and you haven't succeeded until the thing you strived to pursue comes into fruition.

I've barely started my race. I haven't seen that much improvement since I started a year plus ago. But I guess patience is key and things don't change overnight. And most importantly, I have to know what I want and that this thing requires me to go in for the long haul. Rome wasn't built in a day.

Slowly girl.

And I also realised why I feel helpless and frustrated about activism lately is that most of the people I see that I'm helping... are those who don't really need my help in the first place. Becos they are just like me, so what's the point really? And what really interests me are those who have yet to or are only slowly discovering themselves now, cos to me, that is going to be a turning point in life.

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Hmmm.

I don't know, I guess I'll see how as things go along. Direction will come soon =)

On another note, school is slack (surprisingly). I saw Flu Girl in school today, for the first time after 1 month, and I was very pleased (becos she smiled and her killer dimples got me again). Sigh... I think I could just fall in love with her dimples. Arrghh! I KNOW MY TEMPTATION NOW! My sin which the devil will tempt me in my 40 days in the desert! A sweet-looking girl with dimples!! RAHHH!!!

Oh wells....

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Crazy weekend.

I'm so tired. And the weekends are just plain scary now. Like, oh gosh, I am so packed. And frankly speaking, school has been very slack. Like for example, I have no readings. Wow. No homework yet. Wow. The only project that has started is LT B. And even for that, my group is like... on the ball... fast. I don't feel like I have to worry cos everyone's equally concerned for it.

There's just so much to do for the yOUTh group, the women's ministry, and the S MU group. Plus my 2 ccas in school, cell groups etc. It's so crazy sometimes that I feel like I'm not spending enough time with home and family. I even have to postpone my visit to the eye doc. And for some odd reason, there are a million social gatherings being organised around this time. Sometimes I receive an sms and I take one look at it, and I go... omg, not another house party somewhere. In usual times, I would have eagerly agreed. But it's just insane now, this schedule. I just have too much on my hands.

This saturday I had make-up lessons, followed by a church meeting followed by a sa yoni gathering at night. It was insane. But the gathering was not bad lah. Although it was abit surreal and bewildering. Cos about 40 odd girls turned up at this small little indian restaurant. And so they had to join up many many tables, such that it was the longest dinner table I've ever eaten at. *imagine 20 chairs on one side and 20 on the other, imagine how loooong it was* Met some pretty cool new people, who were very interesting to talk to. There was one person who put me off though... And I also learnt a new card game today. After dinner we went to a club called barrbarrblackchic. Not bad.

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But I think I wanna blog about church today, and its new sermon series... on love stories in the bible. I really like Cla rence's sermon today. I think it spoke through to alot of people, it certainly did to me. And some of the things he said really makes sense to me. It's also a reminder and confirmation of what I've thought all along in my head anyway. Stop playing a fool now, el sa.

You need to see clearly now.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Angry post ahead, reader beware:

Lesbians are stupid.

I'm sorry but, sometimes, activism is fucking frustrating. Like... what's up with all the gender divide? It really pisses me off sometimes. The older generation are so bent on dividing the community sometimes. Gays one side, lesbians another side. Nobody can cross the line. ALL the women's groups have this (frankly speaking in my humble, ignorant opinion) dumb rule about 'No men allowed'. Pffft. You never hear the gay men have such rules in their own groupings/organisations. If there's any gender discrimination, it is not explicit, nor advocated and instituitionalised. But no, lesbians have to be different, they have that "no men rule' in EVERY SINGLE group thing they ever come up with. Sometimes to the point that it seems so irrational, without clear reason/transparency. As long as you have a dick, no matter how lesbian/women-friendly you are, you're not allowed. Who's the hostile ones now? And people always complain that even in the gay community, it's very patriachal, very gay this gay that. Wells people, it's going to be that way if people just emphasise differences ALL THE TIME.

I also feel it's so redundant. If you put something explicitly geared/prepared for lesbian women, you think gay men will come? No! They have better things to do! Just as how lesbians don't go for gay events! There's no need to put an extra condition.

No offense, but, you don't ever see the GLBT youth dividing the community in such a way. More importantly, you never see GLBT youths who are adverse to mixing with the opposite sex. It's the older people who are like that, and who require this rule. Sure call me cocky or whatever, call me ignorant of the past, but sometimes when I look at the direction of the older activists and the way they do things (the same old way they've been doing for years), I don't want to go down that route. I can't understand, why is it that everything the gay youth do, it is for both genders. Yet everything the older generation do, it is for one gender or the other? Who's bridging the divide in the community and who's dividing it?

One other thing I can't stand is people who keep their mouths shut. As if there is no opinion so to speak. However they are being included in events/activism. But aren't really doing anything at all. Personally, I would suspect they aren't interested in helping out in the first place, and somehow just got dragged along. Well then, fucking say so then! That you aren't interested. Cos it pisses me off when people are debating and debating on mailing lists and the majority keeps silent. As if they don't have a stake in it at all. This isn't one isolated incident. I've seen it happen in separate groups in separate times. And it makes me want to throw my hands up in the air and ask these people, why. Why can't you say NO, if that is what you want? My professors tell me there is no such thing as 'I don't know' or 'I don't have an opinion'. Becos if you have half a brain, you HAVE an opinion. And I totally believe that.

Urghh.

Xav used to tell me something which I could never fully comprehend until recently. That in this community, there are two kinds of people. The activists who stick their necks out and put in effort for the sake of everyone's betterment. The other are those who ride on the activists' work and the progress they bring. They feel no need to help, becos they are very comfortable being where they are. The space that they are in, of cos, are ironically created by the very actions they are lazy/not motivated to partake of.

Sometimes, you wonder whether the people you are fighting for are worth fighting for at all.

Idiots.

A metaphor today.

You're in a long-distance race. And beside you are your peers running. And for a time, we run together abreast, bringing each other up and encouraging each other. More importantly, our encouragement is silent. Cos we are at the same pace, at the same place, in the same time, and none is faster or slower... all is in this together. One for all, all for one. No one is left out.

Then slowly, they break away from you. Surprisingly. You see them inch ahead further, bit by bit, faster than you, more advanced than you. But you are stagnant, at that same slow pace. No change. The rest have moved forward... are moving forwards... but what about you? Left behind to your own devices.

And you're confused. You don't understand why. Where you've gone wrong. Worse, you thought yourself better than them. You always thought, you always knew that in the end, you were supposed to be the one that 'best-ed' them, that out-ran them. That you will be the one who outshines in the end becos you were so damn cocky about yourself and sure of what you were worth. And you know you're worth so much more... Why? Becos of all that you do and think, you think your life experience has made you grow. Maybe you did. But maybe growth is not what counts in the end. Why? I still think I'm worthy, more worthy. But no I'm wrong.

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I saw something happen to my softball skills in J C 2. This time it is literal, although it's like a metaphor as well to what's happening in other parts of my life. But of cos, this is just another metaphor/analogy, to describe something else.

In J C 1, I used to bat so much better. How I could bat so well and that was my forte (and my pride in my skills). How I can hit when others can't and how my very first hit in a softball game was a homerun, and the furthest hit I've ever made. And the dive that earned me the nickname of MLB, that caused our triple play against Hw a Cho ng. This are the two things that I replay in my head everytime I think back about my softball past. The two most amazing things I ever did in the sport. All at the start. And I knew I had potential (if only I had started earlier in sec school, I might have better fundamentals). I had it in me.

But in J C 2 I concentrated on fielding. So much and sure, it did pay off. My fielding/throwing improved, but what happened to batting? I couldn't f-ing hit all year. And I didn't know why. From homeruns to strike-outs. I can't understand why I can't move forward in the very thing I was good at. The very thing I thought I could outshine everyone. I knew I had it in me, I knew it I knew it I knew it. All till the end. But I just didn't understand why it didn't manifest itself.

There's a lesson to be learnt though, I thought I would fizzle out, a shadow of my former self. The junior who was surprisingly good to the senior that dissapointed. But no. I would have one last moment of triumph, in the match of my life. The R J match. The one that would supposedly decide if we make history or not. There were two pop-ups which I caught, which are probably the hardest pop-ups I've ever attempted. One was right behind me, caught blindly, the other was the best... It was 2 down, 6-5 to N J. Last inning. The batter fowled a pop-up and I gave chase to it. But the sun was in my eye, all the while, I couldn't see the ball at all. But I just ran by instinct, cos I knew if I keep running I will get to where the ball is and pray somehow, that at the very last moment I will catch a glimpse of it's shadow which will be enough for me to catch it. And that happened. And that was the happiest moment of my life. Cos that meant we won. This is the third and final memory of softball which I always go back to.

So I wasn't totally useless at the end. There was still abit of the old fire and trick up my sleeve. I could still be good... as you. Good as I knew I was meant to be. As those who ran ahead.

I don't know. Maybe one day, I will catch up with those who have ran ahead of me. And prove myself once more, just like I did in that R J match. Maybe I can outshine them, as I think I did that fateful day. Maybe I'll have the last laugh. Maybe the potential in me is just dormant now, waiting for the moment to reveal itself to the world.

Or I could just be kidding myself and that moment will never come. That I would forever dream of it and think of the day when I break free into the winning sprint. On the track you always look ahead, and those in front of you are nothing, but for the purpose to overtake. I don't know what God has planned for me. But I keep wishing and looking to the future (how ironic, I wrote against this in my TM speech), becos the end-point is ahead of me.

But then again, I'm running towards a finishing line which is just another illusion of happiness. And the rest are smiling now, happy, they are going faster and faster and faster like twilight. But I'm still the same. And the goal has never seem further than now.

I am so blind.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Last sunday, we finally started the first session of the yOUTh group =)

It was so exciting yet full of anxiety at the same time. And me, being the usual worrisome and critical me, was mostly anxious and less excited. I was afraid of cock-ups and screw-ups, and there were so many many things to remember. I wasn't as organised as I should be and in the end, I forgot to bring a few key items, such as the feedback forms (for the end of the session) and the poncho for our game.

Right after church ended, me and jeremy zoom-ed towards the rainbow room and we tried to finish the cardboard placards (all 18 of them) as fast as possible. Cutting, pasting ... and I thought we were pretty fast.... until he checked the time and I realise we were going to be late if we don't get help asap. So we roped in jere my snr and cyn to help us do the cards as well, while we go burn the sides of the vanguard sheet. It was one mad rush.... followed by a mad rush to exit church later and buy the drinks, a eat-on-the-way sandwich lunch and paper cups. Thank goodness though, we managed to reach in time (and anyway, the youths were abhorrently late. Gay people.... one very defining trait of ours is that we are always... *coughfashionablycough* late).

Surprisingly, the first session went quite okay! We held it at the youth room in yog e's office. The space was just nice, very friendly, cozy, and jere my set it up with a party-like atmosphere. There were chips and drinks to go around, and name tags for everyone. The youths actually laughed with each other! (All thanks to the guys, as usual, guys can be counted upon to be the 'bond-er's and 'fun-makers') And I think people were interested in the rather innovative/curious way of introduction. Our games also turned out quite successful, people were game to play them, even though some might be silly. However, we took too long (the session lasted almost 3 hours) and we had to cut out some segments. But all in all, there was very positive feedback at the end. And it's really touching also to receive sms-es from the 'supposedly' shy-est (and youngest) guy in the group, saying that he genuinely enjoyed it and can't wait for the next one. And I know he's very sincere when he say such things and it's really sweet of him. It's things like these that make you feel that all that you slog for is worthwhile.

Gosh it was just one session. And there was soo much work to do and effort required. Right after the session ended, we still had post session debrief and recap with yoge s. At the end of it all, me and jere my were just too exhausted for words... from the morning till the evening. Phew! But you know what? We're such a diverse group of individuals. And I really hope that at the end of the day, all of us can become really close friends from this youth group. That we won't go on our own separate ways after it's done. Becos after all, this is the purpose of the group, to provide peer support to one another.

The future has the potential to be very good. Very good indeed. And I'm learning really invaluable lessons from all this. Great! =)

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Blogger is stupid. I wrote one entire long post in the morning, and when I wrote a new post tonight, it overwrote my previous post!!! Like wtf?? I took so long to type it.

Anyway. I'm too lazy so I'll just keep everything short and sweet. (with less itsy bitsy details)......

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Toast Master's Session on tuesday night:

I did my project 4 speech today and won best speech again. yay! People kept praising later, it was very nice. Even the stern looking local poet who was one of our guests today. I was also table topics master. My speech evaluator (every prepared speech gets evaluated by another TM-er, who will then present an evaluation speech in front of the audience, about your speech) was very cute. It was...un-ignorable kind of cute. The type that I like. Sweet, nice girl-next-door kind of cute. Abit like Flu Girl. And for once, the brain all but forgot about Flu Girl. There was a new specimen in the vicnity. I was quietly/silently excited in my seat, galking at my cute evaluator who was sitting opposite me. Couldn't take my eyes of her that night. Wow.

School really outshines all other schools in the pretty-girl-department. Like everywhere I walk around campus. Everyday. There is bound to be some babe around the corner. And it's usually a well-dressed babe on top of that. It's just amazing. But it can also be very demoralising to self-esteem. *When everyone/girl around you looks so good, you don't really feel as good. Cos you WILL compare them to yourself*

Sigh...

I love SM U... girls =)

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Project 4 speech
Title: Why my superpower is to stay young forever!*
Introduction: This speech is inspired by the book, The Picture of Dorian Gray

Good evening everyone and I'd like to welcome all of you to the first Toastmaster meeting of the year 2007. When I thought about what topic I should share about during this project 4 speech, a few expected ideas popped up in my head. For example, I could reminisce about the past year, or I could expound on my NY resolutions. But I decided that I should keep my narcissism in check and talk about YOU instead. More specifically, you-th. Youth.

2007 is a much dreaded year for me. Why? Becos it is the year whereby the big digit in front of my age changes from 1 to 2. In other words, I cannot really call myself a teenager anymore, after all, I am going to turn 20. And I know, that as every year passes, I am one step closer to the grave. I am one year nearer to my expiry date… meaning that, I am less fresh, more stale, physically. Unlike a lot of youths who live life as though they were immortals, without regards for the future or appreciation of the present, I am not like that. Instead, I am fully aware of what my youth means to me and how fleeting it is.

Let me tell you something very shocking that I've heard. During SMU's openhouse, the school invited a few high-flying businessmen, ex-students and lawyers to be part of a panel discussion. The focus of the panel was to discuss the successes and inspiring life stories of these high-flyers, which of cos promote SMU in one way or another. There was this lawyer, who gave the worst piece of advice I've ever heard in my life. He said, "You work very hard for the first 20 years of your working life, and after that you ‘can enjoy". If you follow his logic, that means life starts only in your mid-40s, becos the greater part of younger life is spent chasing material dreams.

Now, modern life is structured in such a way that many of us have no choice but to slog in our youth. Let me tell you, that is a mistake that many young people are making today. For example, a lot of people work so hard for long hours in their 20s and 30s, and they only reach their financial dreams in their 40s to 50s. By that time, their youth is gone, their vitality has decreased, they are too old to fully enjoy their wealth. And too late, to make up for time lost in their youths. Time which could have been spent with family/friends, and enjoying the simple things in life. Similarly, a lot of young parents, spend so much time at work chasing dollars, but they don’t spend enough time with their kids and fail to bond with their children. And so, it isn't surprising that a lot of parents today feel distant to their teenage children. All these people have squandered their youth in pursuit of things which they believe will make them happy, but along the way, they lose the very things that will truly make them happy.

Terry Pratchett, once said, "Most people ... live their lives as a sort of temporal blur. - anticipating the future, or holding on to the past. They're usually so busy thinking about what happens next that the only time they ever find out what is happening now is when theycome to look back on it. Most people are like this." I think this is quite true. If you think about it, most of our actions are aimed towards the future. We study, so that we can work in the future.We 'piah' or 'mug' so that we can score well in future exams. We come to Toastmasters so that we can learn how to speak better... next time. Everything we do is in anticipation of the future. When we are young, so many of us are so eager to grow up and become adults. We can't wait to do all the things we want to do in the future, but we never think about or appreciate the things that we are doing now. I feel that we should aim to live each moment in itself and for itself. To not fear or fret about what's round the corner, nor to fuss over the corner already passed. To be aware and prepared but not tied down or burdened. Appreciate what is around you at present, becos you only have the present to truly enjoy and savour … the present. Have you heard that famous Janet Jackson song? It’s called Never know what you've got till it’s gone. Trust me, it's all true.

Unlike a lot of people who live their lives in first gear... always ready to move off. I live my life in the reverse gear, always wanting to go back, slow down or at least stay at that younger part of my life. Becos youth is the only thing worth having. For it cannot be earned, it can only be lost. Therefore, cherish whatever youth you have left.

* At first I didn't have a title. But at the start of the TM session, we were asked to intro ourselves and name one superpower we wanted to have. I thought that would tie in very well with my speech. And so I said, "I want to stay young forever and I'll explain why later...."

hi

Blogger is fucking screwed

I don't care if you're smart. I don't care what you've achieved. Cos smart, high-achieving people can be so pretentious and obnoxious anyway. It can be so off putting sometimes.

I just care who you are.

So we met up with the Office of Stude nt Li fe people today. It was pretty good, I get very positive vibes from the school people, although it was also cautious and practical vibes. Yes it's true, sometimes you can be too idealistic. You have to know how and what sort of environment you are working in, and make things happen in the circumstances you have. It's not a matter of 'thinking out of the box', it's 'feeling the box and knowing the right places to prod'.

I'm very surprised actually. It went much better than expected and the feedback I got was quite heart-warming. At least people understand and they seem to be taking this seriously. Cos after this meeting, they are going to talk about this internally/have their own meeting, and speak to the school counsellor about this (on what can be done). I've heard stories of how the school admin is more 'caring about the students'. For example, there is this high-flying, very renowned world class programming student in school. He has his own business and everything and a C.V. that will floor anyone. The NU S admin pretty much ignored him when he tried to get enterpreneurship funds from the school. But, SM U was practically at his feet when he later transferred. And it just seems amazing to me that the school, takes one email from the student and is willing to meet 2 unknown, fresh (and hence unproven) students who only have a very raw idea of a GSA, for a serious, sit-down 1 hour meeting. Wow.

Now knowing how the school's stand is on this. Their hands are ultimately tied to M O E. So it is very hard to be official, legally and in retrospect (e.g. M O E might decide to create this new ruling.. of 'no GSAs!!' if we push this boundary. And a ruling is always worse than an unspoken truce). BUT. That doesn't mean the idea is impossible or going down the drain. It can still be done they say, it just depends on how we aim it. We could partner on with other peer support clubs in school. Or go the route that religious clubs take.... i.e. they have more rules/guidelines which prevents them from evangalising in school (so the same should apply to us if we were to start a GSA and want to start creating awareness/spread the message that gay = okay). In fact, the main lady in the meeting was very understanding and she's actually part of A W AR E. That was good to know. All in all, I feel we're moving forwards.. and now even the school is part of the process! Woot~!

I think it's really great that our requests weren't ignored, and the school people are willing to go lengths to consider our proposal, despite it's delicate nature. I doubt the other unis would do the same, knowing their notorious bureacracy. I guess I've paid good money for a good school experience (right down to the admin and officers you deal with).

Maybe, I think, maybe I came to the right place.

Friday, January 05, 2007

I'm still on a high after passing my driving test yesterday. Still can't believe what a miracle it was...! =D

Anyways, today was the first day of school *groans*. It sucked. Quite. I was in my new accounting class, filled with account students and people whom I mostly don't know at all. People were ALL in their damn cliques already it was terribly lonely. It doesn't help that I think I'm the only business student among all the accountants. At least I hope I learnt something. Well, at least I figured out how to use my own locker today after like... half a year? And I'm going to sell it soon anyway.

Softball was fun. Gross. Mud. I was lugging a whole lot of baggage around school today (2 pairs of boots, 2 pairs of softball gloves, my own clothes and a thick accountancy book), it was so heavy. But post-softball dinner was funny and hilarious =) So that made my day.

And ON TOP OF DAY, one very intereting thing occured! First Aiders are needed for some school event in February and so.... taadaa~! My first chance to see Flu Girl after the first aid course. I emailed AND sms-ed her to sign up and now we're both going for it (hopefully if we get in). It's a whole day event at sentosa. Woohoo! Can't wait to see that uber-cute girl again! *trembles*

To self: Yah, yah I know she's attached. To a boy some more. But who cares, cute is cute is cute is cute. I don't really care attached or not. Look, see can talk.... good enough for me already =) Besides, I can't help it but gravitate towards her. Seriously. Ever since young, some way or another, I just can't prevent myself from gravitating to really alluring girls. Like.. it has to happen or else I will just look and pine from afar.

Yay! I am going to see Flu Girl soon! Heehee!

Thursday, January 04, 2007

I PASSED MY DRIVING TEST!!!! BY THE SHEER WILL OF GOD!!!

WHY BY HIS WILL? BECOS IT WAS JUST IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO PASS WITHOUT HIS HELP!!

I should have failed by right. It's true. In the circuit, I stalled on the slope, rolled back like 1.5 meters or more. And it was all because I was nervous at the start. So I drove shittily (totally not the way I always drive smoothly in the lessons leading up to the test). That, should give me an immediate failure.

Parking was fine. Although I did stall one more time along the circuit. On the roads, it was fine also just that the tester claimed I never checked blindspot (I GOT!), made a few dangerous moves here and there. But heaven was smiling down upon me cos along Bt Batok Road, I had to make a U-turn and there were NO CARS!!!! Lane changing was SUCH A CINGE. It was too easy. So easy I took my time changing lanes. And this was the part I feared the most.

At first I was really scared that I would fail after the slope incident, but I told myself, 'just go on elsa, just go on and do a good job of the rest of the test'. And I became more alarmed later when he didn't follow the test route (in fact, skipped an entire part of it) and so I only did a U-turn and came back to the school. This actually worked in my favour in a way, as the part that he skipped was where the instructor always nagged me for using inappropriate/dragging the gears. Then when we came back to the circuit, he didn't test me on crank course and emergency break. In fact, I was the first testee to be back at the school. I was like, shit, am I that bad? Maybe he's fed up with me, saw enough of my bad driving and didn't want to carry on.

Then later we sat down face-to-face and he told me my mistakes. He asked me, "What happened to your slope?" I was very honest and told him I got nervous at the start, and that I'm usually alright with it. Wells, either way, he continued lecturing me abit on my dangerous driving (never slow down for road hazard) and looked at my score sheet, sighed, flip over here and there, sighed again. I was just so focused on the two tick-boxes : Pass or Fail. And just 'willing' him in my head to tick 'Pass'. When he passed me, I was genuinely shocked and abit disillusioned that it was ALL OVER. No more driving lessons, no more pay money, no more 'learner status'.

I HAVE PASSED!!!

I was so happy I felt like jumping. I also sms-ed a whole lot of people to proclaim the good news! And for a long while, I really couldn't believe I had passed. And suddenly the daunting horror of the other alternative scared me. I'm damn lucky to pass. If not, I would have to wait another few months, spend money again and maybe I might end up with the fearsome tester 'Poh'. Cos if you kena that guy as your tester, good luck to you babe.

This is all God's work. It has to be. I prayed so hard for so many days. Had my cell group and family all pray for me. Prayed before everything started. It's all God's work. I was just so lucky. So lucky it can't be coincidence. First of all, I think I got one of the nicest testers ever (I was hoping to get one of the indian testers, cos chinese are the most 'niao' people in the world) who let me off despite my massive mistake. My test route was one of the easiest, test route 5. No traffic near the U-turn. And after the big mistake, I managed to keep my cool, and the points I chalked up on the road was only 12 points. Not so bad.

Phew.

PRAISE THE LORD HALLELUJAH!!!! THANK YOU GOD~!

I CAN OFFICIALLY DRIVE!!!! BBDC just released a moving road hazard into the world.... =p

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

I have some of my most carthartic moments in cell group. That said, I really love cell and the sharing we have. I love it's honesty and 'everything goes' mentality. How you can say anything and not worry about being judged. It's one of the few times I get to reflect on my life in a busy month.

I will really miss Mar k when he leaves. He's one of the guys who can talk so well in a group, I would really miss his company. That, and no one will call me 'princess' when he's not around. Heh. Sigh.

My driving test is tomorrow. All I want is to pass....

Monday, January 01, 2007

The admin is actually willing to consider our request to start up a gay-straight alliance in school. And they are going to have a meeting with us soon to discuss feasibility. Instead of being shut out completely, there is a chance!

Haha, and I think this is only possible in SM U and not the other unis. How cool is that? SM U rocks. =D

New Celebrity Crush!





After watching National Treasure today, I am utterly enamoured by D i a n e K r u g e r!!!



She looks like the angmoh version of Flu Girl! NO KIDDING.

*I just luuurve green eyes now =D They seem so much more rare than over-rated blue eyes*