Monday, November 27, 2006

Today I cursed the bus system to the skies. And rightly so.

Of all days it chooses to screw up it had to be on the day of my stats finals. Just grrreat. Both the buses I was waiting for took more than 10 minutes to arrive. And the last one took ... I think... 15-20 minutes??? I grew more and more exasperated as I saw the '2nd' buses of other no.s pass by and nearly fainted when I spotted the THIRD 66 coming (and where the hell is my 171 when the 3rd 66 has arrived). When I finally hopped on the bloody bus (which .. to rub it in, came in twos! a.k.a. two of the same 171 come at the same time, obviously one was very behind schedule), I could have yelled bloody murder in the driver's face. It is times like these that I wish so very much to scold somebody, but know that whoever I scolded, isn't going to make things any better for me.

WORSE.

I looked at my watch and realised, that I would never make it to the exam venue on time at the rate this bus was travelling. In fact, I am certainly going to be late. It's only a matter of how late. So I was forced to change to a taxi. ARRGHHH!!!

What a heart attack coming to school was...And to add, I also cursed SM U for being so far. And cursed my horrid luck (I actually left the house earlier than usual today.. to ensure that I won't be late.. and I ended up grandly late).

All I could think was... wtf???

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Urgh! Need to get a grip on my nerves... really really need to calm down and breattthhheee...
Sigh. Somehow the future doesn't look so bright.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

I do not need a ****. Nope I don't need any of that sort. Nothing that my idealistic, fatalistic (ironically) mind conjures up every now and then. None of it.

What I need... is a good tight slap on both cheeks. Piak! Piak!.. that would bring me down to reality and practicality. Stop being a dreamer. Cos dreamers don't live. They live in fantasies and delusions. And forget about real living. So wake up and smell the coffee girl.

Joke of the day.

Tey,"Virgina."

Me, "What??"

Tey, "Virgina!"

Me, "You mean vagina!!??"

Tey, "Yah lah anything. I'm only good at practical."

Me, ".............."

Urgh.

I am sick. Farking sick.

Have never felt so weak in a loong loong time. And of all times, it has to happen before the exams.

It started out really weird. And I have a weird theory as to why I'm sick cos till now, I cannot figure out why in conventional terms. It all started on friday morning, as I brushed my teeth, I felt like I just swallowed something that got stuck in my throat. For a moment I thought it was one of the bristles that was coming out of my now-falling-apart toothbrush (and which I have put off changing). But either way, from then on, I had this weird nauseous feeling all throughout the day.

At night, the nauseous feeling was particularly strong and so I thought, yay! I am going to vomit and get better, whatever sickness is happening will then stop. But. I ended up 'puking' not full blast, but little bits instead and it was long-drawn out and gross. Since it was late at night I got tired and fell asleep later (even though I knew my tummy wasn't settled yet). Woke up in the middle of the night with the worst stomache pains ever, diarrphea, and basically I could barely sleep. Spend most of the night wishing 1) to die 2) for God to save me 3) for morphine to numb me. Woke up the next day hoping that I was better, but ended up instead with a body that felt so battered and bruised. As though someone just punched and kicked me everywhere. I felt so weak and aching. Didn't get better throughout the day. Although tummy was getting slightly better and not as painful, I was starting a fever. And the aches and pains didn't go away.

Today is the third day of my sickness. I brushed my teeth this morning with that farking toothbrush. And now I have this nauseous feeling of 'puking little bits'. What the fark have I done. I don't know if my theory is right... but I wonder how long the body takes to dispell toothbrush bristles (cos I didn't eat anything bad and I can't think of any other reason for my illness). I have barely studied (am lagging now in revision), have missed a whole lot of events over the weekend. And I think I am unnecessarily sick, like I somehow brought this upon myself if my theory is true. I even had a traumatic vision of having to visit the hospital and trying to convince the doc that this is NOT a normal illness I really swallowed something and how the tiny bristle will never show up on an x-ray scan and he won't believe me. And how I'll be given standard medication which will do no good in ridding the root of the problem. Looking at cooked food now makes me ill in the stomach and want to vomit. I don't feel like eating for 2 days already. And that is bad. Cos if I don't eat, I don't shit (or vomit) and nothing is going to get expelled.

Fark fark fark.

Fark why must this happen?

Friday, November 24, 2006

If there's one good thing about studying in S MU with Sam...is that at every 10 seconds or so, we will be discussing the aesthetic merits of this girl or that. Actually, I would have to clarify that it is usually me who will start this very distracting practice. That said, I repeat my assertion that the library is a terrible place to study with it's never ending flow and ebb of girls.

But.

I have discovered an eye candy which I will regularly look out for, cos she has really hot lips. And is very pretty. Not that I purposely looked out for her in the past, but somehow, I have coincidentally bumped into her a few times and no beauty, however slight, is ever lost on me. Plus you have to be blind not to notice her. And thus, I am now hooked even though it's not my attention to be such an.... 'ogle-r'.

I managed to get Sam to see her today at the library when she strolled past, and have decided to christen her 'Hoop Girl', in honour of her nice hoop earrings. The reason for this morse code/nickname is so that I can safely gush about Hoop Girl without being too obvious lol. I have relegated Sam to be my lookout for Hoop Girl. LOL. I even suggested writing 'Hi, I think you're cute' on a table so that Hoop Girl can see that message when she walks back from the toilet.... using the marker which Sam has decided to bring me since I wanted to write on the whiteboard in the classroom that day. (refer to previous blog post a few posts down)

Okay. I know I sound totally nonsensical and frivolously distracted. And I seem to be wasting my life on girl-watching. But cruising is fun. So screw you.

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That and I also met a new queer person in SM U today (intro-ed by Sam). Hmmm

In light of the festive spirit, here's a rendition of 'Jingle Bells' sung by a eurasian boy in the bus today....

**Jingle Bells**

Jingle bells, Jingle bells
Santa Claus is dead!

Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear
Shot him in the head

Hey!

Barbie Doll, Barbie Doll
Tried to save his life!

Teddy bear, Teddy bear
Stabbed her with a knife!

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I love it =)

Thursday, November 23, 2006

When an old lady died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Dundee, Scotland, it was believed that she had nothing left of any value. Later, when the nurses were going through her meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital. One nurse took her copy to Ireland.

Crabby Old Woman .............

What do you see, nurses?
What do you see?
What are you thinking
When you're looking at me?

A crabby old woman,
Not very wise,
Uncertain of habit,
With faraway eyes?

Who dribbles her food
And makes no reply
When you say in a loud voice,
"I do wish you'd try!"

Who seems not to notice
The things that you do,
And forever is losing
A stocking or shoe?

Who, resisting or not,
Lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding,
The long day to fill?

Is that what you're thinking?
Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse,
You're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am
As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding,
As I eat at your will.

I'm a small child of ten
With a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters,
Who love one another.

A young girl of sixteen
With wings on her feet
Dreaming that soon now
A lover she'll meet.

A bride soon at twenty,
My heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows
That I promised to keep.

At twenty-five now,
I have young of my own,
Who need me to guide
And a secure happy home.

A woman of thirty,
My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other
With ties that should last.

At forty, my young sons
Have grown and are gone,
But my man's beside me
To see I don't mourn.

At fifty once more,
Babies play round my knee,
Again we know children,
My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me,
My husband is dead,
I look at the future,
I shudder with dread.

For my young are all rearing
Young of their own,
And I think of the years
And the love that I've known.

I'm now an old woman
And nature is cruel; '
Tis jest to make old age
Look like a fool.

The body, it crumbles,
Grace and vigor depart,
There is now a stone
Where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass
A young girl still dwells,
And now and again,
My battered heart swells.

I remember the joys,
I remember the pain,
And I'm loving and living
Life over again.

I think of the years
All too few, gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact
That nothing can last.

So open your eyes, people,
Open and see,
Not a crabby old woman;
Look closer . . . see ME!!

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Remember this poem when you next meet an old person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within . .. . we will all, oneday, be there, too!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Haha I had a very hilarious study session in SM U yesterday.

And I realised there is absolutely no way I can study in school unless 1) I am completely secluded in my own room, 2) there are no huge glass windows which would allow me to cruise. Haha yep. I tried studying in the library at first (cos the softballers booked a whole classroom but nobody printed out the confirmation slip for the security guard to open it... and I was too lazy to figure out how) and so I joined Sam and friend. The library... is NOT a good place to study. There are too many people walking around and the noise of their footwear is really distracting (especially if you sit near the stairs). More importantly, this being SM U, there are a million beautiful girls walking around and it's impossible not to get distracted from your notes (unless you sit facing a wall which I wasn't doing. I sat facing the crowd, heh).

Plus my tummy was giving me problems for unknown reasons to me. It starting hurting badly at the waistline and at first I thought it was the kachamputeh I was eating. Then I realised it was my buckle (at the pants) which was strangling me poor belly. The moment I released the button inside the toilet cubicle it was like...whooosh.... I could finally breathe. After adjusting my corset of a waistline, I decided enough was enough and I will go somewhere more conducive for studies.

So I went back to the classroom and got Sam to print out the confirmation slip for me.

*Bad bad idea. Haha. But it was a funny idea also. And a very enjoyable one. Too bad it did not do wonders for my studies though...*

So we had the whole classroom to ourselves (plus later on we smuggled Mi ko in, so she can crash SM U), bought teh tarik (actually more like I got free teh tarik), hot dogs, an obscene amount of chairs, tables and space. And...

Classrooms at the economics/social science block has four walls (duh.) but one of them is a complete glass wall. And the glass wall faces the glass wall of an opposite classroom. Which means you can look directly (complete paranomic view) into the classroom opposite. Guess what? That classroom was filled with girls. I have no idea how so many people can get together and study (it looked like one third of an SM U seminar class was there... but all girls of cos). And there were new girls coming in and old girls coming out. And they weren't just girls.. they were SM U girls. My gosh...they look good indeed.

Haha, I was distracted of cos. And then me and Sam (or rather it was me) started this whole series of jokes on, "Hi, I think you're cute." Cos I started devising out loud, all sorts of ways to tell a certain hot babe opposite that she is cute. Some of them include... writing a huge sign on the whiteboard behind us with a marker saying the said phrase (just like in the movie Love Actually). Another was to slip a piece of paper under their door saying, 'look over here' so that they can see the message on the white board. (And when they see that message, I would have to start pointing at the right girl who is the 'cute one'. But that might lead to some difficulty considering that most of the girls there are cute and would think that they are the cute one I'm referring to) Then another was to send Sam over on a mission to pass my message. Also, I thought of throwing over a softball with a message tied to it saying, "Hi I think you're cute." (And a softballer girl there would coolly catch my throw and read the message to the entire group). Then I started lamenting jokingly that why... why am I in this classroom and not the next one? Then Sam replied by saying that there are certain pre-requisites to gain entry into the opposite classroom. Hahaha, what? Finishing Touch? Lol. Yeah we both need finishing touch. Then we (or rather me again) started calling the girls opposite the FT girls.

As you can see, I spend most of my time laughing and joking instead of studying. But oh wells, it was fun. Lol

Kay, this post was full of nonsense (as Sam said I was yesterday). And this is my new pet phrase....

Hi, I think you're cute.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

We have trouble.... sigh. I guess it would inevitably show up in one way or another ultimately. You can't escape troubles in a plan such as this. But at least I know that while all this is happening, I'm learning... More so than what I can get out of the project-learning that we have in s mu. This is something more.

Purpose.

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On a more positive note, I was really surprised yesterday. There is this catho lic girl in my class whom I suspected to be homophobic at first (becos she seemed like a very straight, very staunch catholic). She surprised me when she turned around that day in class and said things which were very gay-friendly. Our prof was going on about sexual orientation discrimination in the workplace and then she turned to me and explained her own stand about it. And how despite her being christian (you might be surprised), she doesn't believe that there is anything wrong with being gay becos after all, it is love and God is love (and are you christian too? She asks). And how usually she would not dare to voice out such opinions as a christian for fear of being judged by other christians who take another view. And then we started talking a little bit about God and how people take the Bible too literally (we catholics don't usually read the bible very literally, and you know I don't think evolution contradicts the Bible either. You know a day in God's terms could mean a 1000 years for us? me: *nods vigorously*) And how she doesn't like other christians being very critical and judgemental so much that she hesitates to call herself one...sometimes.

And all this while I thought maybe I shouldn't get too close to her cos she might not accept me one day if I applied the litmus test.

I guess I was wrong. I saw wrong. Very very wrong. And strangely, I am starting to discover other gay people in school, in my ccas, even gay-friendly, straight christians. Wow. It's not so bad after all... and I guess maybe I was wrong to judge so quick, to suspect without concrete proof. I should've thought better. Forgive me for judging. It was wrong of me.

But nevertheless, yesterday was a glimmer of hope. And I really smiled for the rest of the class.

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As you grow older it gets easier. Maybe what they say is true, when people grow up and mature, things change. People change. There is hope after all. I saw hope yesterday.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

HAHAHAHA.

I just had one of the most outrageous MSN conversations ever. With another gay guy. About female and male anatomy/differing sexual experience for boys and girls.. and really really out-of-this-world true stories of other people. Which I have to keep secret and bring to the grave....

Amazing shit. Seriously.. floored. Haha.. LOL. Am feeling rather high now haha..

Well the biggest news in my radar screen these days is Teg Haggard. Ted, Ted, Ted. Have you been reading about him lately? It's sad really. It causes sadness more than it causes anger. More still, it causes pity. And it also reaffirms the mental image of what I have in my head if you go down the path of self-denial and repression. Look what a broken man he is, in this pathetic state now, abandoned by both the Christian right-wing and the gay groups. Not many people support him now, really. Even James Dob son of Focus on The Family, says he is 'too busy' to deal with Ted and help re-condition/counsell him.

A victim of homophobia. Living double lives. Not ever seeking help or support for their sexuality. Condemning the world and deep down, hating themselves probably. I guess most gays who have been at the brunt of christian-fuelled homophobia would rejoice at this piece of news... That one of the most influential Christian gay-bashers has fallen and of all reasons, because he is one of us. A victim of his own hypocrisy. Maybe I should be happy, knowing my beef against homophobia (especially religion-inspired homophobia). Maybe. And I certainly won't be surprised that many of us would gloat about it. That he fell. But surprisingly, most people around me feel numb. Rather than glee. Just because you bash us, doesn't mean we do tit-for-tat. I'm above that. We're all above that.

I'm not going to say,"See? This proves all of you wrong that denial is the answer! Cos you can't change it! Just look at Ted.". I think it plainly speaks for itself.

Moreover, it'll still never convince people otherwise. I could point out a million rational arguements. Not why your interpretation is wrong. But how the Bible has changed over the years. How in the process of translation, it has been 're-interpreted'. (Do you know that the word homosexuality never existed in the Bible, until a conservative christian group took over the biggest publishing house of bibles, during the mid-90s? That that is no such word either in Greek or Hebrew, the language in which the Bible was written). That when people say the Bible has been tainted. It doesn't mean it was tainted during the time of Christ or by the writers of the Book. But by people. By translators. By conservatives who re-interpret the word according to their beliefs. It is man who has tainted it. (Do you know that the it took the Catholics 142 years to accept Copernicus's insight that Earth revolves around the sun? Do I have to wait for a 142 years for the church to accept me? Ridiculous.)

I could also argue all your interpretations word-for-word because I've done my research (and have you done yours?) Because there are many other things which you would have to explain away if you took the Bible literally. I can also give you countless other arguements against those silly, half-baked ideas about how it's against nature (oh please, the animal world is overflowing with homosexuality), how it will change marriage (yeah right), how children will be converted to be gay. etc etc. The list is endless.

I could argue by reason. And neither do I doubt I'll win logically. But I doubt I'll win emotionally. Because people will choose to believe what they want to believe in. And nothing else would convince them because to change their mindsets would lead to a change in world-view... and that is scary. Change is scary.

But the main reason is, I'm tired.

I'm tired sometimes, of defending myself. Of defending the way I am and how I came to see things these way. And I'm tired of going through the same processes of 'educating' people, tired of having to sit through and endure ignorance, trying to fight against it. For a better world. I'm most tired of defending myself religion-wise. Talking to cha about it sometimes drains me a little, because we've both dugged our heels in, and it reminds me of a certain incident I don't wanna revisit. But everytime I argue about God it comes back to me. Everytime I meet another christian it scares the shit out of me sometimes... knowing that if I ever become their friend one day, I would have to apply the litmus test of friendship... coming out. And even so, we would inevitably have one of those religion debates on sexuality again.

Some days I don't want to argue or stand up anymore. I'm tired and it doesn't always work. And because it doesn't work, the only thing I can do is to prove it. Yes, not by words but by deeds. We say God is love... then I'll show you by love. I'll show you by love that it's okay to be gay...not by logic, reason or what-have-you.

I'll show you by love. Because I was made to love.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

The past few days have felt like a holiday. Inappropriately.

Even though it's week 13 in the school calendar and the period of presentations, deadlines and near-exams, quizzes, somehow I have even lesser things to do than ever. So much so that I slept at the dusk-y hour of 830pm last night, woke up at 415am for a bath, slept again and woke up in the morning. Totally refreshed. Totally not stressed.

Somehow I've gone on an exercise binge lately. Maybe it's school, I think it's school. But I just find schooling a real couch-potato activity. Everywhere you go, you sit down, you glide (escalator), you ascend (lift). You never move your legs much, if at all. During class breaks, you hover over your computer screen doing homework or looking through notes, because you know the importance of time management and walking about to stretch is just... time wasting. 3 hours of sitting down, followed by a brief stroll to another place to sit down for the next 3 hours. The only thing moving in this place is my thoughts.

So then to take of my guilt of sitting down too much, I've started doing the exercise routine more regularly. This week I actually did it twice in a row, Monday and Tuesday, instead of the usual alternate days. And on Monday night, I was actually looking forward to tomorrow morning when I can get my fat ass moving. I even wished I could fast forward time through all that inactivity.

Today I woke up, after one day of not doing exercise and feeling totally lard-y... only to discover that the sister has taken all the sports bras to her camp. Great. No sports bra = No jogging. So I had to contend with breakfast without workout. And boy it was extremely unnerving. It felt so weird I had to walk about the house, in and out rooms for reasons I don't know why (maybe my mind was just telling me.. 'you have to move!')

School is starting to dull.... The semester is ending.. and all the new people that you have met are going to disappear to different classes just as you were starting to get to know them better. *shrug* It's hard to find a new friend in only three months....

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Why I love girls lol.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Goodbye Ms He ng

ARGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Things will never be the same again. Sigh....I could almost tear.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Sigmund Freud: "The only unnatural sexual behavior is NONE at all"

Haha.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Some days, I feel like a spectator of life...instead of being a participant.

That's what they call, 'That empty feeling.' Like no matter how much fluid you pour down your throat, everything flows out in the end. Nothing satisfies that thirst. Thirst... for what? I don't know. Or I just don't want to admit it.

Then again, it might turn out like every other want in life. It all dissapoints and is temporal in the end. Just for that moment it's pleasurable. It's worth your dime. The next instant, it's garbage again. Better spend your dime on the next best thing, the next flavour of the month. So what's real? Really. I don't know.

They say vegetables are good for you even though they taste bad. They say meat is bad for you even though it tastes good. Maybe the whole moral of the story is that good things...are never what you want. But what you run away from. Cos you don't ever wanna wake up to the reality that your dreamscape of happiness is not what it seems. That shattered reality that what you want will fulfill you. What bullshit.

What fulfills you is there for you to grasp it. There all along. If you just tried, maybe it'll work. Maybe it won't. It's just up to you to put in that mountain of conviction and resolve to find out.

But.

There is always this tiny weeny, hugely significant bit of chance... that whatever you believed in to be happiness. Is not what you hoped for. And to work to that pinnacle only to discover the bitter truth...is the last straw on the camel's back.

Maybe I don't dare scale that mountain, to find out if it's true or not. Becos that day is faraway.. and will not come to me till the very end, of my effort. And so I just stick to my stubborn guns. The safe lowlands of small, insipid, desires for instant gratification. Just one Prozac at one time, slowly handed out over the span of time. Just enough to keep you going for that little while more. Like short shallow breathes. Small little, meaningless rewards really.

But then again, are those really worth nothing? Nothing at all? All those small little things you wished and fought for. Not a thing at all? The idealist in me rages against that thought.

But oh oh! Life is cruel and you should know...

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

I'm also starting to make my little 'pride mark' in SM U. Have already baptized one cubicle with lesbian poetry. Am going to do more soon lol. I think I'm kinda getting hooked on broadcasting sublimal messages in private spaces. It must've started with my rooftop scrawl in N J. The.., "I'm a lesbian. So fucking what." words of anger. So if you ever spot suspicious poetry during one of your toilet excursions. Double check with me. If it ain't me, I wanna find out who the other one is!

That said, I really like to read graffiti! =D

Things are getting really.... good lately.

It's been very slack (in relative terms of cos). One project done. Two more to go. And my parts for the other two are more or less covered. Thank God for fairly good project workmates! Although the useless year 2 in my M S project group still isn't functioning as desired, at least he is trying. And also, the second case study for M S is kind of a cake-walk. Didn't take me long to figure things out for it. I have discovered very good project work mates to work with. And strangely, they are mostly guys. I already have my eyes on a few whom I wanna work with next time as well, cos they are great to work with. Also, hopefully, I think I'm starting to build up a positive project work reputation for myself. Someone called me efficient today. =) And all our project group mates for A S know each other are 'power' project group mates. And without moi, C T won't be a success cos duh (!) who had to draw all that painstaking art?? That is important =)

The thing about uni... is that sometimes, you don't wanna be too zai individually. Cos frankly I think it creates abit of unwanted attention and resentment, people see you as competiton. As shown today during A S, a group spoofed two very mugger/zai guys and if I was one of them, I would feel very uncomfortable being singled out as such. But if you are a zai project group mate, people want you.

CCAs are good too! I come regularly for all my CCAs and I wonder why alot of times people cannot make it. Hmm....

School work is getting alright. I'm getting the hang of things. M S is not that hard after all. Stats is not that hard after all either (in fact, lately I've been pointing out mistakes in the assignment questions to the prof. People don't know, but they should thank me cos it reduces headaches for everyone). People say A S is tough, but so far I find it alright with occasional toughness. C T all good. B GS hmm.... it's fluff, everyone more or less can do it (so cannot compare there).

I hope I do well this term. Please....