Thursday, October 26, 2006

Certain occurences in sm u gives me surges of happiness (which is rare rare rare).

Like if I spy paris hilton nearby, it puts a little jolt into my backbone.. and I sit up straight and start paying attention to the surroundings lol. That said, I hope to see paris hilton soon.

Or if there's going to be softball soon, I will feel a slow increase in happiness due to anticipation. Yes I still love softball. When you play softball, all the worries go out the window (no matter how badly you're playing heheh)

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

I miss wasa bi....=/ .. softball

Sunday, October 22, 2006

It's the old trusty pair of pants again,
Matched with tee, whichever take your pick
Out goes the child in woman's body
Glasses, hairband, water and tissue.
Check.

Fills emptiness with hollow dreams
Questions and answers self in circles I go
Blinded by important and inane
What do I really seek?
Don't want to know.

Stop, point, shoot.
This is what I live for I say
My prozac I can forget
But a million and one distractions on the field
Or just imagined you?

Self before others is the golden rule
Does alot or so it seems
Haven't completed any, may I ask why?
Art and altruism and other smarts
So what? Do they matter?

Everyone's a freak in the end
Bloody irony for I'm the mannequin
In a house of horrors
Where dolls and witches and trolls reside
I even feel plastic sometimes.

It burns it freezes it cuts
Because I allow it to and I revel in it
Because I'm in love with it
One taste before I meet the maker
Please?

Immovable lard, old ways creep in again
Tough luck eh? Forget them fairytales
It's been a while you should know
Torment hasn't end, or will
Wake up bitch

Tomorrow rises early
Start each day as if on purpose
Shine your megawatt sun
And for awhile the simmering passes
Look but don't think.

It's the old trusty pair of pants again,
Matched with tee, whichever take your pick
Out goes the child in woman's body
Glasses, hairband, water and tissue.
Check.

Friday, October 20, 2006

For the past few weeks, things have been going uphill in sm u. Uphill doesn't mean more work. It means it's starting to be a leetle beet more positive.

I'm starting to know more senior friends through CCAs. Although it's only a little bit more but at least I can foresee making more friends =) The seniors are really nice people.. Hmmm.

Then recently at the sayoni gathering 7 at some indian restaurant, I remarked to strange angel that hot girls are very nice people. Note the implicit premise: hot girls are very nice people... Seniors are really nice people.. therefore.. sm u seniors are hot girls =PPPP ) But she disagreed and said that hot girls are bitchy (a defence mechanism on their part she said). Hmmm, no leh? In my life experience for now, all the hot senior girls I've met have been really nice to me =D. Am I lucky or am I lucky?

For example, there was one senior who looked like paris hilton. Yesterday, I met her coincidentally at the library and so we mugged together for a common quiz. She was real nice, and even offered to give away one of her many bags to me after spying my 'aunti-like' laptop carrier heheh. I even have her on msn~! *smug grin*

Cool eh?

But then again, it's look-see no touch. I'm not even going to think any further even though these people sometimes make me nervous. Friends are friends. Nothing more. I just want to find good, long-lasting friends in sm u. That's the priority.

Still, it never hurts to have hot girls as your friends =D

For the past few weeks, things have been going uphill in sm u. Uphill doesn't mean more work. It means it's starting to be a leetle beet more positive.

I'm starting to know more senior friends through CCAs. Although it's only a little bit more but at least I can foresee making more friends =) The seniors are really nice people.. Hmmm.

Then recently at the sayoni gathering 7 at some indian restaurant, I remarked to strange angel that hot girls are very nice people. Note the implicit premise: hot girls are very nice people... Seniors are really nice people.. therefore.. sm u seniors are hot girls =PPPP ) But she disagreed and said that hot girls are bitchy (a defence mechanism on their part she said). Hmmm, no leh? In my life experience for now, all the hot senior girls I've met have been really nice to me =D. Am I lucky or am I lucky?

For example, there was one senior who looked like paris hilton. Yesterday, I met her coincidentally at the library and so we mugged together for a common quiz. She was real nice, and even offered to give away one of her many bags to me after spying my 'aunti-like' laptop carrier heheh. I even have her on msn~! *smug grin*

Cool eh?

But then again, it's look-see no touch. I'm not even going to think any further even though these people sometimes make me nervous. Friends are friends. Nothing more. I just want to find good, long-lasting friends in sm u. That's the priority.

Still, it never hurts to have hot girls as your friends =D

Heheh. Cool piece of information to note!~

The past few weeks, I've gotten to know a few seniors SLIGHTLY better through CCAs. And that makes school less of a lonely, 'friendless' experience. The seniors are really nice people =)

Then during the sayoni gathering 7 at that indian restaurant that night, I was just remarking that hot girls are nice people. (implicit premise: seniors are really nice people, hot girls are nice people. Therefore seniors are hot girls lol) And stran geangle disagreed, she felt that hot girls tend to be bitchy (a defence mechanism from her POV). But I was like... really meh?? Lol, all the pretty sm u seniors I've met have been really nice to me. Sometimes it feels almost maternal. Lol

There was one who looked like paris hilton. She's extremely nice and friendly. Yesterday I met her at the library and mugged with her for a common quiz held on the same day. She offered to give away one of her many bags to me after seeing the 'aunti-ness' of my own laptop carrier heh. How nice right? I even have her on msn! =)

Cool. But of cos... look-see no touch. Don't even think about it. Friends are friends. Nothing more. And all I want is good, long-lasting friends in sm u. That's important for you to stay sane.

But it never hurts to have hot girls as your friends. LOL

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

The irony of sm u. Last year statistics test was easier. This year, it is harder. Yet, we score higher than last year's students. Why? Becos people are mad enough to piah.

And yours truly just topped her class, what a joke.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

It's scary to realise that people can read you.

I've decided. Maybe I should learn from D av. It's time to wear a mask. Learn how to wear one and not wear your emotions on your sleeve. I mean, that is farking stupid. You're not suppose to read me. Don't ever think for one single second that you KNOW me. Becos you don't and you'd never know the full story. Don't whittle me down into a few phrases of description.

Smile for the camera, elsa. Like how we say in J C, the way ma nda does it.

Fake smile *cringe*
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Go away.

You... kind of make me nervous. That is not a good thing.

And yet.yet. I wished I saw you more.

Friday, October 13, 2006

So I went for a trial sm u softball training today. Not bad. People there are quite nice. Most importantly, I feel so at home with this sport. And till now, I still love it to bits. So much so that I'm considering going all the farking way to kallang just to train. I also realise that I actually have a subconscious criteria when choosing CCAs, lol. That is: there must be hot girls in it. Or else I lose interest pretty fast. Why am I not surprised? =X

But I really don't know how long I can keep this up really. Gotta do homework like mad. As much as possible as soon as I receive it. Then gotta go for all my commitments. Perhaps very soon I'll come to the realistic conclusion that it's way too much for me to handle. Oh wells... I hope that day doesn't come cos things are slightly nice and cozy now. I feel happier in CCAs, at least there is some sense of belonging... to something. Anything. Anything to anchor you down in this place, before you float away and dream of greener pastures in other places.

We went to N US today to meet the university counselor. It was good and I can foresee NU S having a possible GLBT group in the future. It's really great that people want to help and see the need for it. Right now, I'm thoroughly jealous of NU S people cos the campus is so soooo beautiful and very cozy and nice and welcoming. So unlike SM U. It's .. alive. Not dead concrete like ours. And the people there don't seem so arrogant. Some of the NU S girls can be rather hot too =p

Even better, guess who I met at NU S? Two of my ole' softball seniors and one... one very eye-catching and achingly-beautiful girl whom I had a thing going for in N J. The prom queen lol. She's in NU S business. And in my head, I was like.... what??? If I came to NU S, I might've stood a chance of being in the same class as her and getting to know her better. Becos we were never in the same class or CCA in N J and it was soo difficult for me to know her better.

I saw her today and we chatted abit. She's still as beautiful as ever. Even jere my agrees.


Sigh.... I want you.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

i.got.to.stop.living.my.life.vicariously.through.other.faces.not.mine

When will we ever be satisfied? Till we get what we want? Then we start to want more at stage 2. Have I gotten what I want? At stage 1? I don't know if I'll ask for more when I get it. So how can I tell and how can I be sure that I'll be greedy and never satisfied?

It's just never good enough right? You're never good enough for yourself. Ever.

And there are days you wished you were someone else.

But ..how.. how do you stop asking for more? How do you learn to be satisfied with the things you've got and not want more? Sure, maybe, for a short reprieve you are enlightened, and you are satisfied with your lot in life. Then sooner rather than later, you get back to the old habits. No matter what makes you forget, you keep coming back. When will I ever just stay there. At that higher, more enlightened place? Why do I keep coming down to this dump?

Stop wanting what you can't have. Stop stop stop. The problem with having more time in this one week term break.. is that I have more time to think. And when I start to think... that's not neccessarily a good thing.

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Sliding doors. Life is like an mrt. People walk in and out of your life in every part of it. Things that were once held and cherished and loved, doesn't really matter now. Cast aside. There are nicer more immediate things in front of me now. Throw away the old, welcome the new. I try I try sometimes, to keep holding on but the winds just blow them away. Do I then sigh and cry at something lost? Or smile and be contend with static memories? Why does everything run away in the end?

What's new.

Am I ready for the next moment of abandonment? Good bye. I've been saying these words the moment I was born. Put on my plastic smile for the mental camera. Everything is alright if I pretend it to be. Sweep your demons under the carpet. Shut that closet. It's a brave new world so face it and suck it up.

Goodbye and good luck.

I decided to post up some of my old art. The egg cartoons are from Secondary school, drawn in days of borring classes. I even have a cai lao shi egg somewhere in my sketchbook cum note book. Lol

Yesterday was International Coming Out Day.

And rather coincidentally, it was also the day I came out the first time to sm u people. We were having a small Toastmasters gathering at Mind Ca fe. Just two of us female freshies and 4 senior guys. And somehow, the conversation of the night veered towards gay people in the media. There was a lot of talk about gay this gay that and then the conversation hit a point whereby it was just the moment for me to come out. Cos this senior was going on about how he think it's not an issue and that it's alright blah blah blah and I was like bingo. And before I knew it, I blurted out my status before I really thought through.

How typically me. To say before I think. Lol.

But it was good. And somehow, very easy. I guess as you come out more and more, the 'kick' and anxiety feelings that you get decreases. Becos as you keep doing it, it becomes a very normal, mundane act, instead of that monumental surge of courage. You get used to it.

Hmm. Power to me. Lol

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Some aspects of life are getting more exciting!

There's alot of momentum now for the yOUTh group. We've been doing interview after interview with gay, lesbian and bisexual teens. And we are looking to do some more to reach a greater more diverse pool of people. Hopefully we'll be able to start soon. And iron out all the kinks and solve the problem of venue and lack of guys (what an irony). There is so much we could do with this... if it all turns out right. And I'm wondering just how the way it's gonna turn out. I don't want it to start, end, fizzle and die of cos. We're hoping it'll create ripples of effect. That it'll lead to something more.

Then on friday we'd be seeing that NU S counselor, for what reason I have no idea. But hopefully, we can tap some NU S youths too through him. Great. And even though I have happily signed up for 3-4 ccas, but am non-commital to any except for toastmasters, I hope somewhere down in the pipelines, that sm u gsa is still possible. And that I won't be too caught up in everything that I forget my priorities.

=) YoungOUTHere

And I'm thinking of this tagline...: We're the future you can't ignore.
Why? Because we (youth) are the future that has been marginalised and cast aside by society, who turns a blind eye towards us. But you can't ignore us. Cos we are the future.

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p.s. some days you're tired of acting all sugary-sweet and everything nice. How do you get people off your back?

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

I don't know.

Again.

Today I played softball again =) My old passion. But this time, with people I am so not used to playing softball with. Non- n j people, but it was alright.

CCAs. I hope I can find long lasting friends there... Becos in the system of universities, it's very independent and that makes it hard for you to form lasting bonds with people. And frankly, I think sometimes it has got alot to do with luck. If you meet all the right people, you're in good hands. Like how some people can find such great friends and best friends.. but others might go through life wondering how come they never meet such people. Of cos, a part of it has to do with your ownself too. But it takes two hands to clap, and sometimes, that other 'good' hand is tough to find.

Sigh...

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I just watched torch song trilogy with the levi's gang. We were having a cheese and mooncake appreciation kind of gathering. Me and 6-7 other men watching a gay-male film. And that film really really touched me. It covered so many issues and even though it was gay-male, I related to it. So much so that at the end of the show, I actually cried tears. And much to the embarrassment of myself and the bemusement of the guys. Becos they, being men, don't cry as easily. And there I was river flowing, wishing for a moment that I was surrounded by females who would likely cry along with me instead of guys looking all curious at leaky el sa. Hmm. If you ever wanna watch a GOOD gay film. GOOD meaning deep and very reflective of issues and hidden thoughts. GOOD does NOT mean in this case, great sex scenes or cute leads or whatever. GOOD meaning you take home something in your heart.

Watch this show. You won't regret it. And I think it's one of the best queer films I've ever seen. In a way, it's abit more than broke back for me.

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Sometimes I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing that s m u is literally... overflowing with beautiful girls. Like omg. Maybe okay, I concede, it's all the dressing 'up'. But then again, I don't look at your clothes. I look at the face and the body. And the face.... whoa. Some girls have really amazing features.. and others have like.. uber-hot bods. Like perfect and shapely and totally not me. Especially the seniors, some of them really look good =) !

There was one poignant moment.

I was at Alex a u's talk in smu. He was giving a talk about blogging and I went there specifically for the 'gay' factor. If you don't know what I'm talking about, al ex is one of singapore's pioneer gay activist. Quite a big shot who had alot of impact on the 'gay rights movement' in singapore. I thought... maybe... just maybe, the blatant announcement of his HOMOSEXUALITY on campus-wide student email... might just attract people like me to the talk. Lol. So I went.

And I saw a classmate at one of the seats and tried to sit near her.. since she was a familiar face. So I waved hi and went over. But. Between me and her was her other friend. So I had to contend with sitting next to her friend and some other anonymous guy. Now I never really took note of her friend, except that she was quite nicely tanned. Throughout the talk I focused mostly on the speaker. Then somehow, I dropped something on the floor at my feet and had to bend down to pick it up. With my head under the table, I was about to rise back up when I noticed that pair of really g-r-e-a-t legs on display next to me. Like for a moment, I changed from philosophical thought to ogling. It just ruffled my train of thought on the subject. A distraction. Lovely distraction. After the talk ended, and since she was beside me, we kinda made some small talk and she was rather sweet and chatty. How lovely. And after we all left, I bumped into her in the toilet again. (And I also got another peek at her great legs, which confirmed 'its hotness' =p) And from the toilet conversation she had with her friends, I got that obvious 'straight girl' vibes. Ah wells... it didn't really bother me. Ever since, that was all I saw of her. Even though, she's in business, she's in another different subject combination. So it's unlikely we'd see each other again often. And anyway, that's just one of the many dozens of drool-worthy girls in school....

What's new.

But I do remember that pair of mannequin legs lol. A nice thought =)


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But there are also days when you're tired of beauty. Becos beauty never gives you a break and you resent that. There are times whereby you wished you weren't so affected and that you won't care. But somehow your brain and heart doesn't make that logical connection. Then you start wishing for something you can never have. And you know that. But you still wish anyway. Again and again and again. A cycle that never ends. Sometimes you just wanna stop desire. Becos it's useless and so far it leads to nowhere. There are more important things than some great pair of legs underneath a table. But during that very moment, it is all you see in the world.

And it's all these moments wasted that I want back.

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I once prayed to God that Lord I would be so grateful to You if I could experience all the kinds of love in the world before I die. And I prayed that cos bird flu is coming. And I don't wanna go before my time.

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I need a tight slap.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Today I'm going to whine:

Some days I feel small. Sometimes I read certain things online and I gulp. A self-pitying gulp which makes you feel... that little bit smaller. Sighz.

In sm u, although I cared quite a bit at the start. As the days go by, you just start caring less and less. Some days I just throw some crap outfit together and sashay into school with it. Screw the 'tarty' dressing some of the girls like to wear. Screw the nicely put together fashion statement. Just bloody go there and get it done and over with. Shove the hair back with geeky hairband (I hate hair in my face...), wear the nerdy spectacles, eat my fruits from a plastic bag (to save money while the rest of my group mates look on in awe like I'm fasting or something). At the rate this continues, I will be as romantically appealing as ceiling dust. And I'm starting to heck care about that.

I feel sentimental about CT....=) But either way, if u wanna see what I've done for CT. (Which is absolutely fantastic and we definitely spoilt the market. Obviously). Here's my flickr link. 3 groups rated us tops. The other 2 groups rated us as second best. Either way, we still win hands down. Just look at the prof smiling away at our project.

Plus it's so good the prof wanted to keep our artwork to show off hehe..

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

You know if there's one good thing I can think of about the 'fruit juicer' that is SM U. Is that I've learnt the meaning of super-efficiency and time management (the mindset that "Every second counts...")

There is just no time to fall behind and lag. You wanna swim above the flood waters to breathe? Then you better do things in advance. Inefficiency in project urks you to no end. And you learn to 'go with the flow' of the group. If they slack, you slack along. Becos no point tearing your hair out at idiots if there's no one on your side. (Anyway, I refuse to pick up people's slack) If they are 'on the ball', bingo you've gotten yourself a great group so give it your all. Conscientiousness is a good trait. You can't be survive as a loner. Alot of work requires team effort and collaboration. Including individual assignments. Most of the time, however, you are too busy mugging to make friends. And sometimes, it's just tiring to know people more.

Anyway, enough about school....

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I don't know if this is a good thing or bad thing. Maybe it's a good thing, that I care less. That after awhile, I think I'm starting to see the light. That it doesn't really matter after all. Trying to grab at air..... what's the point? Maybe cos I see the greater value in other things. This stuff can wait. No hurry. What for. I'm too caught up with life anyway... Just let it fall onto your lap. Plus after observing all the drama around you, all the tiredness you see (and can imagine yourself feeling), all the ebbs and flows and ups and downs. I don't need more worries...Life is too full of fun to think of adding more complications to it.

Speaking about value... A few days ago while I was at the i ris cell group. We went to Arab Street for some sight-seeing and makan post-cell. There we sat at this small tucked away teh-tarik stall and watched the world go by... Suddenly, as people around me were talking about holidays, I remembered my own Phuket trip. It's not as pleasant as it should be. There were undercurrents. And then all of a sudden I wished I was at home. I felt guilty for not being at home. The place where I should be and with the people I should spend most of my time with. And all I could think about was family. And how wrong it was of me to prioritise others over them.


It's just so scary you know. So scary. Someone slap me please.