Tuesday, September 26, 2006

The cca seniors are nice...

Well, it is good to know that there are nice people around... Especially since acquaintences in school now all seem so shaky. Everything a little tainted by competition. Your old friend is your most trusted friend.

I race through all my homework these days. Do as I get them. It's very mugger-ish but I do it so school won't ever haunt me. And I can forget about them. And then I can go hang out with the people I want to.

Life has turned into one big process of looking forward to the next 'gay outing'. Where the boys talk about boys and the girls talk about girls....If that ain't an interesting way of seeing things, lol I don't know what is
; )

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I want a .... !

I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know.

Back to the drawing room. No surprises there really. Maybe it's better like that. Oh wells. Still. A blow to the ego.

Hmmm..screw it. I've been slogging my ass here. (Actually not really, but relatively, that is the case. Just a bit more slogging than the other). If there's nothing then, oh wells, *shrugs*, no gain no loss. Back to normal. From a more positive perspective, there are certain gains still.




(Cos my ass is worth more than that. I'm not pulling anymore. Time to release and wait.)


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On a completely unrelated note: How do you fend off people you aren't that interested in? Like I want to be polite and all, but there are days that I tire of ... replying...to their queries. It gets tedious when it's not natural. *Stop being a nasty selfish brat and show people some niceties. Cos that bad karma will come back to haunt you if you discard others away...*

Rolls eyeballs at life's complicated issues. Everything is simpler without.

Urgh.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Yesterday was the end of C T (creative th inking). Well... almost.

We finally went to the kindergarten to film reading the fairytale to the kids. And I would say it is a resounding success. We made ALL of them do the sm u jump while screaming, "We love sm u~!" Haha, talk about propaganda. I bet they don't even know what they were saying. We also got this cute looking boy who kept saying, "I love sm u!" to say it in front of the camera while we videotaped him. We took photos of the kids in various stages of cute-ness. Made them play games and draw/colour. Made them laugh with our puppets.

It was extremely exhausting though. And kids can NEVER sit down for long. After 6 seconds, they will start jumping up and down or hopping on the spot. Forever slipping out of your grasp and control. But those were some really cute kids. And what's more, there were some kids whom you can spot and know that in the future they will grow up to be really beautiful people. As in physically beautiful. Like there was this boy and girl who had awesome facial features. The boy had double eyelids and the girl, well, hard to describe but everything put together looks like 'pretty girl next door'.

Lastly, we even got a certificate from the kindergarten director for our efforts. And I realised they actually sent out a memo to the parents informing us of our arrival.

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Even though the main purpose of our huge effort is of cos, to get an A+ through 'spoiling the market'. Which I think we have thoroughly accomplised (haha, even for est said that, "Do you think the prof would be impressed by the certs? Even I am impressed at myself.")

Somehow all that effort was rather fun. All the bloody hours of painting and drawing (by me, I did all the skeleton artwork and that is total brain-pain). Doing all that in the over-exposed project room with the see-through glass windows.. and people peeking in to check out what the hell are sm u management students doing freaking.. art??? And it was beatiful art at that. There was one point in the story-telling whereby we turned a page of the huge book, and the kids all went .."whoooaaa". In utter kid-like wonder. That was priceless. Then you know that what you made wasn't just for the prof. That it really appealed to kids as well.

Oh well, it's good to start projects in school off to a good note. My first A+. Yay. Me and the group are thinking that full marks for the project section isn't asking for too much. We freaking deserve it. $100+ costs and countless man-hours later, it's almost over. And we even still have one week more, and we're already done.

Cool. =)

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Went to mox later that night, with some of the boys and met other people as well. It was intentional actually. But somehow my intention seemed lost on some others lol. It was rather empty... which is a good thing becos I dislike it when it's so crowded and you can't even find a seat.

Drank half a bottle of Baron with jere my finishing up the rest for me. Ate some chips. Sat and chilled. We actually spent a very short time there last night. Weirdly. Didn't even got to the part of the night whereby they gave out free chocolates to everyone.

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Sigh... I don't know. Oh wells, come back to reality. It's the next day now and I have things to accomplish. Back to the grind in a moment.. Urgh...

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Hmmm how do you tell people.. "No".. nicely?

Thursday, September 21, 2006

I need to .... stop thinking too much.

Like just quit it and relax.

Sigh.

Then again, I don't know what to do. Someone help.

*throws hands up in the air and walks out of room*

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

I don't know what the hell I want.

And sometimes afters, I wonder what it is I'm doing. Where am I going with this?

Why is it so hard to decipher? Okay, maybe it isn't that hard to comprehend. The answer's quite obvious, it's just that you don't wanna face up to it yet. And you are just hanging in there... hoping, hoping, somehow... that you are actually wrong and things will somehow change for the better. Or at least change.

Becos by the looks of things, I'm getting in deeper... and the deeper you go, the harder it is to climb out.

What the hell do I want?? And I don't wanna be unfair...
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Urgh I need TLC. And no, not that kind. It will only confuse me further. This situation is messy enough.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

There are days I just feel so... 'happy'.

Glad that despite all this sm u pile-o-shit homework, I still have things to look forward to in life.

Some days I just feel glad about being non-straight.

Cos it has just threw open the doors to almost every single demographic in Singapore. I can at least say now that I've met and talked to at least one person from almost every demographic. And now the world is suddenly such a bigger place. Singapore is NOT as small or predictable as you think it is. Becos if you bother to peek and prod further, this place holds a lot of gems in terms of people.

That's it. People.

Sometimes, I find it really stifling to just mix around the social circles of school or church or relatives. Take school for example, only the cream of the crop make it to J C. Only the icing of the cream of the crop make it to university. So if most of your friends are people from these places, then you're only exposed to like 20% of the youth population? And worse still, it's only the youth population. What about the other 70% of society? The working professionals, the retirees? There's a HUGE world out there. And if life is just a straight line for you (meaning you never step out of comfort zones and venture into totally unfamiliar territory), then the world will forever remain small for you.

If life feels lousy. Life feels meaningless. It's prolly becos you can't see the opportunities available. That there is nothing in life worth looking forward to and exploring. And I personally don't know many straight people who would make that step and venture forth into the unknown (social circles). I know of some, but most aren't like them.

If this sounds condescending. Lol I don't mean it. It's just I'm too lazy to phrase my words in more politically correct terms. But I guess the main message still stays the same... and it's not just me who feel this way.. another sm u friend I've made in school (and whom we have both came out to each other too), feels it's awesome to be gay. Cos your world just explodes exponentially. Everything is so much bigger now. And we sometimes, feel sad for the straights. Lol. Although of cos we never say it aloud.

Cos life is f a r k i n g good.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

I hope I made the right choice. And I must keep reminding myself why I put myself in such positions in the first place....

Time for a lifestyle change...and that means I really really have to get serious about time management. Becos when the youth group starts... oh my goodness. If I ever get a girlfriend... oh my goodness. I have no idea how I'm going to juggle all these things. There are at least two days in a week whereby I spent more than 12 hours in school. From morning till night. Today, I broke records. I had in total, 8 hours of project work. 2 very brain-intensive excel formulation for Management Scien ce. 6 hours of very brain-numbing artwork for our creativity project. I don't ever wanna come near a paintbrush or a sketch pencil for a long long time after this project is over. 2-3 hours of sketching is no joke. It's extremely taxing on my brain becos I have to formulate the image in my head.. and then transmute that into reality. Which sometimes takes a few tries.

Oh my goodness. I am tired. And strangely... not as tired. Somehow, I running on something I never knew existed in me. Emergency batteries. Despite coming home late at night. Somehow I still find the drive and energy to do abit of homework. That... was an impossible thought in the past. And... And and, I need to cut down in Internet surfing. No more bothering too much about sayoni, my gmail, or even this blog (heh and I'm breaking this rule now), no more blog surfing so regularly.

On top of that, I have the ccas that I joined. Oh gosh.

And in uni, you sit down 99% of the time. And if I spend 99% of 12 hours in school sitting down, that is one fat ass indeed. I now have to force myself to run. And even though that is not much of a problem on my part, free time is a major limiting factor. Becos I'm really picky about the environment in which I run, I will only do it certain times of a day.

Oh gosh, driving.... shit. I need to focus on my driving too.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Over the past few days, my sis has been making some really encouraging remarks.

Reading the newspapers, she flabbergastedly threw her hands up in despair and decried the low quality of Singapore newspapers. That it was trashy.

How wonderful! And it took her faster than me to come to that realisation. Singapore news IS trashy. Anyone who says otherwise must be really blind. BLIND.

Thank goodness for a sister who thinks. Becos apathetic people are so...unstimulating sometimes.

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Trust is such a rare commodity in SM U these days. The other day, one of my FT B camp members was lamenting to me about the issue of trust. His msn nick was kinda depressing. "How do you know if you can tell someone something without that someone telling someone else?" It's true. More so if you are gay. And what a hotbed of gossip and lies that would invite.

Worse if you have lots of christians around you and you just have no idea who to trust. It's so sad really. Your own brothers and sisters who believe in the same God as you. For that very reason they are the ones you should be most wary of.... becos of the potential damage that can be done. The huge judgement passed down onto you. Most christians (myself included) fail to live up to the very thing that Christ taught us, and that is not to judge. But I don't dare find out who does and who doesn't. And by that very admission I am already judging all stranger sm u christians I meet as potential homophobes. Well, the potential is higher than average. But not all are.

One day, ma nda's bf actually asked me if I was going to join Campus Cru sade. I nearly choked on my own saliva. Are you mad? lol, you want me to enter a den of tigers?? Of cos I don't think he knows about me.

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Do I have time to seive out the wheat from the chaff? And use that litmus test of friendship on others? The "Hey I'm gay, now that you know, do you still wanna be my friend?"

Do I wanna risk my reputation? Where can I find people who I can trust?

If my straight guy friend has issues finding new people in school whom he can trust. What more the homosexual? Who has a whole lot of stickier issues to contend with... on top of all the issues that 'straights' deal with?

Trust is a rare commodity these days.

The world is an unfamiliar place. And school is not that safe. Really. Since when was it ever anyway. Maybe I'm too used to the comforts of gay companionship. And forgotten what it's like to have to weather the storms in the straight world which made me hard in the first place. Maybe this is a refresher.

Maybe this is another N J. I don't know. I know this time I have alot alot of support to fall back on. And at the end of the day.... to thine ownself be true. When push comes to shove, the gay lion's gonna roar. Becos sexuality can be empowering.



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YoungOUTHere.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Life.. Sigh.

Today I had a conversation with my sis. I was telling her how life now in uni is so complicated. Everything's going so fast, you barely have time to catch a breather. I barely have time to stop, think, and reflect on whatever's going on. At least I had that time in jc.

Then I told her how life was so much simpler in jc, and that I would rather be there now. And she said, "That's the exact words you told me when you came to jc.. how life was so much simpler in secondary school."

Sigh. I guess life is always simpler in the past. Everything's so complicated now. All the new experiences, possibilities, there's no clear path ahead. And sometimes I just want people... or life... to give me an answer. And in one hour's time I have to go to dreaded school. Travel so damn far again. Into complications. Home is simpler. Easier. Safer. I wanna stay at home. And thank goodness for my 'gay oasis'... I would be so drained without it. There is only so much heterosexual bombardment you can take.

But I guess life would be boring if everything came easily. If every answer I seek, came when I stretch out my palm. If every unseen, uncertain situation I'm in, I know where it's heading. Life is basically just one long.. long.. tunnel crawl. You don't really know where the next rock footing is. But you just whack anyway. Cos there's no where else but forward. Time forces you forward. When all we wanna do sometimes is sit back, relax, and enjoy the scenery.

The FT B camp. Hee.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

You.. surprise me =)

You really do.

There's a diamond in the rough.... for me? I don't know. Maybe... possibly. Hmmm.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Is it too much to ask sometimes... for true friends to be gay-affirmative?

Some of the older gay people tell me that it's not so much an issue for them. That they can hang out with homophobic people just fine, so long as they don't ever touch on the issue of sexuality. They can always talk about other things in life. Well, that's all fine and dandy. But to me.... isn't that kind of a little.. restrictive? I should be able to tell true friends about all the things that go on in my life right? Not just the politically correct or say the things that they can accept or want to hear. But to be... completely honest with them. I wonder what's the point really. Why I try and have faith that people do accept me. That they can handle me. And when I see otherwise I'm more disappointed than hurt. Then it's not so much their fault but mine.. becos I bothered when perhaps I shouldn't? That I should have known for the better? Why push it? Just leave it be...can't you see?

Faith is pointless when others do not care for it.

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The new people that I meet in SM U.... the moment I find out that they are Christian or Catholic. It's as though there's an invisible barrier between us already. A barrier that makes me very consciously wary of them. Very suspicious. And trust level immediately falls. Becos even if I got close to them, I know I could get myself hurt if I gave them the test. And I seriously do not need to see a repeat of J C. There's a difference between religious homophobia and ignorant homophobia. With ignorant people, you can explain yourself to them through logic and by being their friend. Becos then they see you as the 'individual' you are... But for the religously homophobic, it's irrational. Forget about convincing them. And even if you are their friend, I'm sorry but you are a friend of cos... but 'tainted' as an individual. So much for laying yourself vulnerable...

So much for trust. In others.

Well well. Not all christians are like that. But there are times I'm too tired to risk or bother about finding out the difference. It's so much easier to stick with those who are accepting. So much less effort.

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On another note, this is a condensed summary of what happened today (I'm good at talking about feelings not events): we went to watch the devil wears prada today. FANTASTIC show. Damn funny. Merry l stre ep is a great actress and an ne hatha way is sweet. Today's good. So far up till this point. Then had youth group interviews later with the potential members. Cool. Now I have a face to visualise the anonymous people I've envisioned the past few months. Things are looking promising. On certain aspects of my life. School is still uncertain. Friendships are murky. The friendships in the gay community is as usual... on an upswing. My straight social life is really pathetic. Then again, lol, I ain't that surprised.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

The truth is.. I feel very ambivalent about this. And I keep asking myself questions. Wondering what is it I'm doing. I hope somehow things will work out. Don't wanna be the bitch now.

And I keep asking myself... why?


Why.

I don't know what I'm feeling. It's so conflicting. Maybe cos I'm micro analysing.. and should just quit it and float along with the current. Hmm.

The logo below is our yOUTh group logo =D Designed by yet another artistic and very talented gay guy.

And after 8-9 months of preparation, we're almost there... Almost there. Right now we're sending out the 'invites' and starting on interviews. We even have a kick-ass brochure to boot (it looks so cool I'm just loving it, kudos to be n who designed most of it). It's very close and I'm getting a feel of things to come. People whom I've emailed to join have been very interested. One girl even said that I have no idea how much this (youth group) is a relief to her. It's quite evident that this is what youths lack and need.

Now I'm doing budgeting and next wednesday, we'll (hopefully) meet some of the anonymous people we were in contact with.

*crosses fingers*

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On side note, a girl gave me a flower yesterday! Cool. It's a milestone lol. Although of cos there was a 'cover-up' excuse and action that went with it. But duh, of cos I know what it's really for ! =P I actually have a pic of me, the flower, and her. But of cos I ain't posting anything up.

X)

Saturday, September 02, 2006

The bold and the beautiful... We're coming.