Thursday, August 31, 2006

Sometimes, uncanny things happen in life.

Yesterday, me and jeremy messaged each other AT THE SAME TIME. TWICE. In one day. Once while I was in sm u's group study room and second time was in the movie theatre. What are the freaky odds of that happening? That just reminded me of other double coincidences in my life. With mi ndy, with yoge s and with a whole lot of other people.

Strange. I actually wanted to write an entire speel on the phenomena of deja vu (and even consulted.. err.. a certain coloured sleeve, haha) but decided not too cos dinner is starting in three minutes. But I digress.

I helped two people crash sm u today. Kinda reminds me of the first three months of jc whereby there we are in our diverse and varied uniforms. Hiding behind the anonymous uniforms and the security of said-school's badge pinned on our uniform. Following trusted and knowing friends who had all the right access to all the restricted areas. SM U security has lots of loopholes (well not really, some of the really nice places to enter are like.. maximum security. For example, the gym.) But I didn't get to bring them to the hall with that high-tech spongey floor which amazed me, or the rooftop pool. But then at least they got to enjoy the perfect mugging place for a time of mugging. Yeah, I realised that the GS Rs are actually very conducive for studying. Very silent. Quiet. Cool. Ample chairs and tables. Plus the whiteboards are extremely useful for project work (I should know). I had alot of fun showing them the scary youtube vid (especially when I said, "look closer".... and they really did look closer). Eri c's reaction was priceless, haha. Cos you rarely, if ever, see a grown man scream in terror. Then again, it's a gay grown man. But I didn't accomplish much work. Duh.

Then we went to watch Don't Come Knocking later with jer emy at Picture house. It kinda had a brokeback feel to it, which is nice =) And I like movies which show sweeping vistas of scenery. The huge expanse of space. Cos it just gives you this warm, calming feeling, after being boxed in my narrow world of hectic school and schedules and all the million things I needed to do everyday. Just to maintain my 'happy' social life, the cells, ccas and school. Had dinner and b&j's later, met as usual, gay people along the way. I always ALWAYS bump into gay people everywhere I go, even though I know more straight than gay people. Is it becos gay people have more of a social life?? Is that why my social life is so whump! right now? Compared to the dreary past...

I also discovered that horror of horrors! FI FI tan is closer to me than I think!! (jm's aunt in fact). WOOF! I wonder if this means that there is a possibility I'll see her again. Do I want to? Yes. Becos I hope she still remembers me as the nerd-y girl who seems pretty harmless, but unleashed something which she wouldn't expect from me. It's like... I don't know... what she said sparked that hidden activist in me. And I guess it was one of those minor seemingly random events that snowballed into this full-blown person that I am now. Hm.. yeah. I would like to see the poodle again. What a small world eh?? This gay community has some seriously doped connections.

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On a side note, I seriously don't know what the hell I'm doing. Like seriously, where am I going? It's just bumbling around in the dark, all blind, all unchartered territory and there are few people to grab on for help. And it's scary if they're not there. Actually I think I can handle it on my own. But the other is not helping.

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You.have.got.to.relax.Lol. It's very amusing actually. Okay, it's NOT amusing for me. But I'm sure it entertained the rest. I know why it happens. Cos you expect things to be perfect, especially maybe..I don't know... for this one? The truth is nothing will be perfect and the higher your expectations, the more pressure you put on something so.. nondescript/ordinary. You'd analyse too much and think too much when really.. it's just... haha.. trying. The bottomline is.. and I try to apply this now: "If you ain't having fun, then screw it." Enjoy the ride while it lasts, go with the flow, and let it be. Whatever it is.


I'm not talking about me.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

The stupidity and utter idiocy of Singapore's laws...

As expoused by jere my kwo k and publiscised by me:

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I can have sex at age 16. Because that is the age that I am mature enough to have sex.

I can watch an M18 show at age 18. A few examples of M18 shows are the Crazy Horse Cabaret (which shows so-called nudity but really.. are just women who's bodies are bathed in psychedelic colours that they look clothed in diving suits. I see more nudity on the streets of Orchard). M18 movies usually contain explicit sex scenes, which I may not be mature enough for if I'm under 18. Though I seem to be mature enough to create my own explicit sex scene, starring yours truly.

Worse still, I can only watch 'deviant' movies at the grand ole' age of 21. Shows which may contain the homosexual theme but little or no sex scenes at all. Shows which supposedly can 'sway' one into the 'lifestyle'... as if straight chick flicks have not already tried their best all nineteen years of my life, to make me desire that organic product called male. Not.

Worse of all the lot, is that I can never be mature enough to watch a political film about Singapore! Everything dissident will convert me into one of the 'opposition' (which gives the government more work in its quest to eradicate all opposition). That no matter how many Phds I have or how learned I might be, I cannot distinguish between hot air and serious analysis? This is why all political films are banned. And perhaps there is some truth in the fear that I will become one of the opposition if I watched a political film.

Because perhaps... what they say is really true?

This is scary man. http://www.mrbrownshow.com/?p=214

My blog is on Mr brown's links?? (Scroll down for the part which mentions 'reviews' and 'blogposts' of the event.) And you know a TON of people read his stuff right? My eyeballs almost popped out when I spied my URL on his blog. And the most ironic shit is that of all the blogspots/reviews of stuff/events I've written, he chooses the most dumb and bimbotic one. Which totally reflects only one side of me.

Lol.

The reputation is going down the drain...

Friday, August 25, 2006

Quarrel again.

I knew it was coming. I just knew it. Things haven't been going well for the past few days. I've been coming home very late cos of IndigNation. I haven't been talking to the mother. And when I mention I'm going for a 'gay event' I can hear all the condemnation and revulsion on the other line from her.

Tonight I asked her to read SQ21, the book. And she started giving me this big-ass lecture. Started acting once again as though she knows what she's talking about. That the people I'm mixing with are a bad influence and that I'm going down the drain. And I just completely exploded.

She's not even open, or willing to hear. She claims I shut myself away from the world when it's been her who's shutting me out. Don't you know that it's so hard for me to talk about this issue? And when I do all I hear is negativity and disgust? You don't even want to listen. You just want it to stop. And you think that they started all this in me.. when all along it's been there.

You just don't want to believe it.

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People say it gets better over the years, and it can even become a very positive thing. Yes I've seen it in other families. But it's not happening to mine now. Nothing's happening. Nothing much good. I wish I could crawl into a safe refuge away from here sometimes. Away from those who don't understand. Who choose not to. I'm so tired sometimes... so tired. Of trying. It takes alot within me to talk about this. Every single time.

I wish someone would hug me.

Today while on the way to tuition, I was sitting on the bus, pondering (once again) my present and my future. And for some reason, I felt completely at ease. Perhaps it was the Jesus music that was playing in my mp3. Or perhaps it's becos I'm starting to hold myself in higher esteem now. Even though things so far should lean me towards the opposite direction.

But somehow, it just dawned upon me that self-worth is that higher goal. More so than what my short-sighted vision sees in front of me. Whatever comes whatever goes. Scenes can flash before my eyes but don't forget (!) it's me who's still stationary. Plus, I shouldn't be selfish. I know if I move one more step further it's selfish. I just hope the message is there, barely, in the sand, sent out and received. That's good enough for now. Besides, life is made up of other things that will keep me busy. And perhaps I should give these oft-forgotten things a care.

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Travelling forever on languid, slow bus rides up and down this damn island from sm u to home, home to sm u, makes me kinda detest where I live more and more. Bt Ba tok west. "The end of the world" as I term it.

Note: I am eternally grateful to my parents for what they have given and provided me through their hard work. This is not a rant of a spoilt brat. It's a rant of tiredness.

It's so damn far from anywhere. Only one ... ONE bus comes to the busstop near my house. And NO taxis like to drive by our little slip road becos there are so few customers. It's just this quiet quiet little town. With quiet people. Anonymous neighbours. Pet dogs and maids and babies and malay kids. Very few indians. In the HDB flat which has the tasteful colour of shit... or some people prefer the euphemism, chocolate. When I come home early in the wee hours of the morning (after spending yet another heady .. or numb.. day with the sayon i girls) I walk along corridors.... alongside fellow cockroaches. I'm not that frightened of them anymore. Into the dank and square lift with the unknown floor stains and occasional spittle. Up to my floor where that fire-hydrant red door greets me.

But the house is not so bad. Well... not really. The good thing about HDB flats is that it's much more spacious compared to apartments or condos. My living room houses this whole shelf of high-fi and TV equipment, the fish tank, a huge treadmill, the sofas, two tables, legrest and lotsa books and magazines stacked up. The kitchen has been hacked into a tiny piece so as to accomodate a larger dining area. There is a white elephant of a piano where I display my seashells and thai 'authentic' arts and crafts. We even display the angklung .. which went bumped into at night creates a disconcerting cacophony of angklung-type noises. A cross hung up at the end of the corridor. My dad's room is the only carpeted place. There is a table out near the living room which is the 'gadgets' table. All our handphones and chargers and camera and mp3s are parked there for charging. It's a mass of wires and power plugs and sockets. The dining area is stocked to the brim with food, food and more food. Which I detest cos our dining area isn't intimate. It looks like a mini-mart. We have 6-7 bags of peanuts alone. The word which comes to mind when I think of the house is.. 'mess'.

Then there are the toilets. Floor forever wet. The crummy blue toilets without partitions. Which for years we generate grand ideas of renovation but inertia put those plans to sleep. Naturally. But then there is my room. My room is kind of both good and bad. It's rather big. Bigger than some living rooms I've seen. But that's the trade-off of living at The End of the World, you get more room for less cash. However the room is a complete mess. Books and magazines everywhere. Bags strewn on the floor, sweeped aside in a haphazard fashion. I ponder my forearm fashion accesory of the day by standing over the pile (which resembles those piles in bargain bins). I sleep with files overhanging near my head. There are parts of the study table which I have not seen in years. Hidden. But we (me and sis dearest) have covered our wall paper with posters. Of BackS treet boys, Alizee, movie posters, inspirational posters, newspaper cutouts. But mostly Back street boys posters. We both have tagboards at the ends of our study tables. Mine is filled with pictures, notes written by friends (they write I never reply) and small keychain bears. I have a muscle man picture from my pseudo-straight days...But I still think his body is hot. Just perhaps, not romantically. Becos of the not-so-nice state of my house, I have invited a grand total of two friends to my house in my entire lifetime. Wow.

My window.

I love my window. Becos it's gothic in a way.. with wine-coloured flowers all hung upside down and about. I have a hobby which I'm kinda proud of (not that aimless, old childhood hobby of mine which is about collecting bus tickets, that white rectangle slip of litter). And that is drying flowers. If anybody has any nice flowers and who don't give a damn about flowers. Please give them to me. They will find a meaningful existence in my house. I hang fresh flowers upside down, on my window sills, in front of sunlight but away from rain. And I wait.. patiently.. for them to shrivel and dry into a crisp. They retain their shape, although not the size.. but I think they look very beautiful. Almost like fossils. It's even more beautiful if I dry whole bouquets of flowers. I used to press my flowers actually. When you press flowers, they become completely flat and this brings to prominence the veins within. So you have beautiful, squiggly, dendritic lines running through this translucent pink-ish brown fragile paper. Some of my pressed flowers.. are so pretty in my humble opinion, that I made them into bookmarks.

I used to have weird romantic notions of laminating my pressed flowers onto my own created cards .. to give to the person I like. Or to give her (or to the rare.. him) one of my dried, upside-down flowers. But then again, what would people think when they receive a dead flower? To me, it might be dead, but in it's death there is eternal beauty. Becos it lasts.. at least. And I guess this can be some sort of analogy about love. You only give fresh (short-living) flowers to people you 'like'. And your dead but eternal flowers to those you actually love. But of cos, everyone will start out with a fresh flower from me. Whether they get one of my rare dead flowers remains to be seen.

Then again, I have yet a chance to give anyone anything.

The talkingcock event rocked my world. Literally. It shattered all my random expectations and brought my jaw to the floor. It would be the understatement of the year to say that it's the most awesome event of IndigNation. I've never seen so many talented people before in my life (perhaps another incident is convocation in sm u).

The whole show comprises of many prominent people talking cock. They each gave a 10 minute speech on Singapore issues/politics and all were witty, funny, humourous, self-depreciating and soul-baringly honest. One of them is actually some BIG-SHOT in sm u, professor karp al singh. ("He puts the singh in Singapore!") When he was still in the audience, I thought he looked strikingly similar, as though I have met him somewhere before. Then when he was introduced as being a prof from sm u, it was as though the lightbulb in my head lit up and I went, "Bingo!".

Sm u is so cool. An indian prof in literature is taking part in indignation. And of all the unis, he comes from mine =D You know, even though school hasn't really started and the ugliness of its hell has not really sunk in yet. I have to admit that school spirit is evident. They really know how to build love for the uni. Convocation was awesome awesome. Seeing so many people of talents and of confidence to the point of arrogance (makes you wanna become like them), just points to you that yes you've come to the right place. And if you can take the rigours of it's education, you can and will become like the individuals you see on stage. If ever... if ever I falter in sm u and wish to give up and perhaps, even question why I entered this bloody university, I must remind myself of what jere my said and the reasons why I choose to come here in the first place. That I came here not for some high-profile degree from an established university, I came here to build my character and to grow from adversity and innovation. It doesn't matter (okay it does but not so much) if my degree isn't as recognised as those of other universities. But then again, what is a degree but a piece of paper that offers you the first stepping stone to the rest of your career? It only opens the door, but everything else is up to you. And I want my uni education to have repercussions in other aspects of my life. And one day, perhaps one day, I will become as good as those speakers I see in sm u up there. F*cking awesome orators who can face the most fearsome music. I'll be like them. Not the idiot who fibbed her sm u interview by being a nervous wreck.

This is my choice, and signs seem to point positively so far. Even me and mi ndy agreed after watching that awesome convocation show... "sm u is really happening."

Heheh, and in the words of wei ya ng himself, "I love smu, and smu love me more."

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But anyway, I digress... lol as I so often do when my thoughts drift elsewhere.

I don't think I have ever laughed so hard at a public event in my life before. All the speakers at Indignation are people I really admired. Somehow I wish I had their talents, their abilities, their uncanny knack at 'working' the crowd. It was just wonderful. And since I sat on the floor right in front of them, I had the greatest view of all my idols =D. Hossa n leon g stole the show, he did a broadway rendition of a national day song and it was just.. omg. Shiok. Fantastic shit.

Even the bloggers mr bro wn and mr mi yagi was there. They were the closing act of the show. And today, I discovered that months ago, at jo hn's mom's birthday party, he's sister and her husband whom I was sitting next to and happily chatting away about New York and it's famous japanese restaurant, Nobu... are the founders of talkingcock.com. And I bloody didn't know. I was like...omg??? How ignorant and dense I was! Omg, I met such fantastic, wonderful, prominent people, and I didn't know. Gosh. The gay community never fails to amaze me with regards to social connections.

Later, we went to have supper at a mamak shop. There the sayoni girls gave me a surprise birthday celebration =DD We had this chocolate cake and I had some special durex vibrator ring thingy as my present lol! Even got a kiss from jean (and omg a kiss from nudi branch during mox last last night when she realised that it was my birthday)

I love jere my kwo k. He rocks for being such a nice boy =D

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During the cab ride home tonight, I had a nice long talk with qi an xi. And since we are both.. how shall you call it, 'fresh' to these things... I came home tonight with yet another ephiphany. Somehow, spending copious amounts of time with say oni girls with such vast and different perspectives on life, has made me do some serious pondering on my goals and direction.

And tonight, I guess the gist of what she said was, "If you aren't having fun, then there's no point doing it in the first place." I suppose that is how it truly is. If it gives me more pain than pleasure, then what's the point in living it?

Lol. I think I'm growing up...=)

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Lovers come and go, but friends stay forever. I hope and hope that I can keep this new gem of a friend I've discovered through msn. Because she comes closest to a mother teresa I've ever met. And just as an j has testified, she is worth it =)

I will make myself another life-time friend today.

And as for love, there is one singular goal in mind, and that is myself. I will build myself.. to that person I am meant to be. And never, remember never, to compromise yourself or your values or beliefs in blindness for someone else. I'm not a conventional lesbian because of my views on drinking, relationship sex etc. Never was. Never want to be. And I'll never be the kind of person people wished me to be. Becos then they'll be wishing for the wrong person and perhaps, they don't know what they are missing in someone else. Me. Don't ever conform e lsa.

Because you're worth it.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Bingo.

I got it.

Or so I think.

But either way, this is all a trial run. Don't we all know that? Nothing more but a practice. For the day that I build myself up to the pro that I am meant to be. Yes.

*Because you know you're worth it*

I crossed over to the day of 22th August 2006 by having one of the most awesome, crazy and ridiculous three-way msn conversation. (That was out of the 14 conversations that I had that night). And the funniest thing was ... it was clandestine.. not meant to be. *It's such a kick you know that? =P*

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Today was the book launch of SQ21: Singapore Queers of the 21st Century, at Mox cafe and bar. It was incredibly packed and I almost tripped once or twice over people's shoes. Most of those who appeared in the book read out excerpts from their stories. Might I just add that I knew almost all the people who are in the book. The circle (of prominent people) is just too pitifully small sometimes. I came slightly late and hung near the back of the bar. Plus I wore a skirt today, and realised that out of all the millions (okay twenties) of lesbians in the bar. Only me and qi anxi wore skirts. Lol, talk about how dyk-ish the scene is...

Conversation over drinks and delicious mozerrella sticks:

Girl: "I think you look pretty."
Me: "I know."

=D

*Arrogance is the key to everything you'll ever desire in life*

Great. And I think I'm getting better and better at reading people's vibes.

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Post-mox retreat at maxwell market. Me and humphy talked for a cool 2+ hours about all the love you can talk about under the sun. Had a few moments of revelation during that long talk. Some of which is so true sometimes... and how I'm going to get bad karma for the deplorable things I tend to do.

I theenk I'm in good hands. Cos I have a great pro bono guru to learn from. Wait, make that two great teachers!


And whatever it is. It's time to release on the fishing line. You know what's best for me =)

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Just read something which had an impact on me. But I guess it can only be summed up in that very cliched carpe diem. *But then again, aren't cliches cliches for a reason?*

My past.... me and my sis... we're at a hawker center with the parents and we are playing a game... all the food we eat are not going to die to rot.. they are going to disneyland, down down our gullets that big slide into the dark but wonderful disneyland called tummy... there are scallops on our chinese soup spoons and with one gulp we take them down like medicine. Bitter medicine. I hated the taste of scallops.. I offer my sis my scallop and the scallop her disneyland. Not mine...

Till this day when I eat scallops I think of disneyland.

At audre y's house.... her violently hot pink room with hot pink plush carpet... I was no more than 6 or 7 years old... we are playing with her toddler brother and my toddler sister... Her new house... swanky with that almost personal swimming pool... which I nearly drowned her in.... me, her, sis, her bro... sitting on that large float and paddling with our little feet and hands... singing,

"Row row row your boat, gently down the stream!
Merrily merrily merrily merrily, life is like a dream!"

... into the setting sun... the colour of pool water a blurry blue... we making whirlpools in the baby pool and flowing with the resulting swirl....

Me... getting lost at the mrt.... stopped for a defining moment to ponder a baby coconut.. the mother and sister and granny has happily trotted away.. I lived in my own world (as I so often do) for that split second which felt like hours.... then looked up to find out the meaning of lost.... being sent home in a car by a bunch of strangers.. the first sign of my naivety which somehow by God's grace did not do me ruin... yet.

I'll always associate baby coconuts with loss.

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You're gone and it gives me disappointment. Like a see-saw which never ends, how I hate the feeling of this yo-yo. How I wished that yo-yo was upon someone else not me. How it's so easy to say.. don't think don't fantasize about the future but live for the moment... BUT OH! the moment is uncertainty. Never certainty. The moment is precarious it makes me nervous, anxious, wanting... for a better tomorrow another sign a second shot at life.

How it's so much damn easier to be in your position. How I wished desired craved (out of spite and vengence and bitterness at times) that I was in your position. How I know my neurosis and madness and temperament and short fuse and intensity of emotion is enough to scare the crows away. The incident has unleashed this demon in me. It all started with a certain, another you ... and when the cathartic event occured... no.. orgasmed..I begin to discover the ability to feel. Not numb not EQ-less not insensitive anymore. But acutely aware.. painfully conscious.. of what it means to feel. You. Do I thank you or ponder like I did that baby coconut.. which then makes me once again.. lost?

I don't know really... what it is I want. And obviously no one is going to understand the garbage I just spewed but it doesn't really matter. I wrote this for me. Just as I mostly write for everything else. Me me me. *Selfish mode*

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I am going to ask sayoni's ke lly to bring me out*. Becos she knows alot of damn cool places which I just want to marvel in and discover. Plus I need a distraction a break. (*I use the words, bring me out, cos I feel like a child sometimes among the older folks. Just as how I feel like a child sometimes amongst the gay men when they take extra care of you being female and younger and call you sweet things like, 'Princess' etc... and treat you sometimes like a queen.)

Stop obsessing you freak. And start living. Becos unlike what that song says.. life is not a dream. But I've been treating it this way.

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Happy Birthday myself.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Lately, I've been having a ton of msn conversations. And after all my freshmen camps and potential upcoming project works to do, my msn contact list is exponentially exploding. These nights, it's either I'm talking to people or they are talking to me. Insane. There were times I juggled like... five conversations at one go?? And a certain humph-y keeps getting booted out of the line heheh (due to my PR exercise).

But yesterday was good =) Despite my crappy connection, (kept geting disconnected halfway while talking to people), I think I found a gem! (Lol don't bother trying to figure out what this gem is heh, all your guesses are wrong!)

Interesting...

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I shall henceforth treat every SM U person I meet as if they were gay. Because it's with the queers that I put on my social cap, and work my magic around the room... I'm kinda tired of doing so much PR, but hey, put a smile on your face, because no matter how much PR you do, people never really know you. Don't they?

You'll(s) never know my little little secret =D Not even all the gays do...Plus being young and fickle, I change all the time. Catch me if you can. Wheeee~~

*Sprinkles a little mystery in the air*

Sunday, August 20, 2006

The last day of wasabi softball......in the pouring rain (how apt).

Sigh, this marks the end of my nine month involuntary (but thoroughly enjoyed) sabbatical. Now... I have to chiong. It's a new start. Time for me to create again. Another chance to make things right. Not like N J (which was majorly screwed in the academic department). I hope I can take up this challenge. And yes SM U will be very challenging indeed. I already have a headache trying to bid for modules, figure my way around the school intranet system, configuring this damn laptop (which is ALREADY giving me trouble).


There's alot of things to do and it'll take up a fair bit of my time. Most of it I'm expecting. No more socialising like mad in my gay world. No more staying till as long as I feel like at Ji n's house, lounging too long after cell(s), going to gay events. Jeff keeps asking me again and again to go Mox with him and sadly, I fear I have to reject him even more in the following weeks. Have to ration my time well... Go for the events I really want to go, that will maximise social output and personal growth. Most importantly, focus on the mission.

Brave new world. And in the words of many wise Sayoni people I've had the priviledge to chat with... "I've got nothing to lose." Nothing. Just go out there and face the music. Because you know you're worth it =D
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I will miss the past. But then again, don't we always miss the past??

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Convocation '06.

I don't know why. But I'm on a photo-posting spree. Maybe it's because I'm getting more narcissistic. Or perhaps I'm realising that I never ever keep my photos properly. And I keep losing them. And that I know one day that if I were to look back at my teenage years and recall.. but find no photos to aid my memory... I would be really sad.


School is starting. Maybe I should concentrate on more constructive stuff like STUDYING. Preparing for the YOUTH GROUP. And stop worrying about something else...

Yeah cos even if your efforts don't work out in the end. It's not an unexpected thing. I'm not just anybody's thing. And I always wonder what others... see.. and am amazed if they actually take a liking. Like.. what are you thinking?? Heh. I think it's this height thingy. It hinders yea. It hinders my perception, my confidence. Most people see me as some... kid. Even the sm u guys sometimes see me as a damn kid. But I'm not kay? I just look that way.... I wish I was taller sometimes. I wished I was alot of things. But I guess you got to make do with what you're born with.

And I should stop being a coward. Stop being scared. Stop doing the things which are so vague and so safe. Stop being just the friend.

I don't know what the heck I'm doing...

Oh, screw it. I don't know if I can take that again. I have to ... though. *deal with it sucker, be brave for once. it's dumb to proclaim yourself more courageous for all the scary things you've done to break into the GLBT community, when you have no guts for something else. Like hello? Call yourself an activist! I could spit in the drain at that statement. Cos you are not say... very active in that department*

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This makes me recall Ian's message to me that night when I whined to him about the situation:
"Welcome to a man's world."

Friday, August 18, 2006

PR GATHERING!!! At Toast... The last one before ALL the girls fly off to the US of A. We ate more daintily this time, on little plates with lesser food. Much lesser compared to our tai-tai pigfest at the Royal Plaza on Scotts high tea buffet. The interesting conversations always start off when some people have left and a small intimate clique is left. So it was just the four of us. And me and cha started to delve into this SUper long conversation about God and homosexuality. Even though of cos we all know that nothing will come out of it. The liberals and the conservatives have dug in their heels when it comes to this issue. But I still appreciate the fact that we had such a conversation. Becos it had all the elements of the beautiful, deep and meaningful SC GS conversation. If you are reading this Cha, just wanna say you are one of my most treasured SC friends yah?? Take care in America!
Funny snippet of conversation: Cha keeps asking me if I ever will have lesbian sex. And she couldn't get my reply. So she kept asking me repeatedly and I kept replying repeatedly. Until mel starts burying her head in her hands and clawing at Cha to 'stop it'. When Cha finally got my message, the expression on her face was priceless.





Me about to lick the infamously misshapened ear of Ros Pit. She with the horrified look.

Lol I wonder who should be more horrified....

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Ian's ephiphany of the day during dinner with me at Billy Bombers:

"All girls act like lesbians"

=D

Thursday, August 17, 2006

It's that spectacular SPECTACULAR fireworks again *voice drips with sarcasm*

What's new baby? Deja Vu. This plays like a soap opera which I've watched ad nauseum. Only sad fact is that it's the story of my life.

HAHAHAHAHA.... Hai....

*I could be so dao. Can I just unleash that inner demon huh? Let her wasabi roar. Come near and I'll bite you*

Or I could just drug this brain of mine into numbness. Cut out the connections and the f*ckers within.

Okay, I need to club now. Like now. Damn I should have gone to zouk tonight.

Damn damn damn.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Sometimes I don't know where I'm going with my 'plans'. With my actions.

I wonder if anything, if ever, will work out in the end. I can't see the end in sight, the shoreline from the sea. I know I obssess too much sometimes (pinkie tells me I do). I read into too many little insignificant details. Then when I speak to the pros I realise it's all just me. In the end. Why it all fails.

I have to learn to let go and be at peace.

Maybe it's easier what I'm doing now. Spread out the pressure on myself. Two or three camps of chance. Never all on one. The timing sucks really. It really stinks. I'm torn between duty and desire. Will I flout my own created rule for my own wants? Is it fair for me to act this way? Can I for once, be selfish in my activism?

And since school is starting, I guess all I have left is faith. That God will work all these out in the end. It's too early to see the shape of things to come and I pray that no matter what happens, I will be in safe hands. Your hands.

Psalms 27:14
"Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord."

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

SA Y O N I

Cross posted from Gar y's blog
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Everyone wants to be in love. I haven't met yet who, past notwithstanding, wouldn't want to be in love. Heck, I've been waiting 2 years to fall in love again.

How does one fall in love? These days, we seem to use this word rather nebulously. "I've fallen in love with that gadget / teapot / haircut / (insert anything and anybody)!" And this is usually accompanied by, "I've got to have it!" So there is typically a desire attached to it to possess or acquire.

The other unfortunate side-effect of falling in love is that one usually gets hurt when the object of affection is unattainable. If it were a teapot, maybe somebody bought the last one. Or we can't afford the gadget no matter how hard we try to save up for it. Or love isn't reciprocated in the same way by the other person.

And sometimes we say, "I never want to fall in love again. I don't want to get hurt." And we erect all these things in our lives to stop ourselves from falling in love and getting our hearts and wallets hurt. We try to discipline our minds, control our wills, upgrade our personal value by getting a better mind, a better body, a better job, a better personality so that our chance of having love work out increases in probability.

When it comes to people and relationships, some people figure out that they have a need to express love through sex and end up separating love and sexual intimacy. They begin to seek sexual encounters, much more straight-forward to look for and transactional in nature. Yes, sex fulfils an immediate physical need. But so many times I've seen those who go down this route end up either become disenchanted entirely with the notion of falling in love or more commonly, start making sex a prerequisite for or fulfillment of love.

Then comes the subject of relationships. I've been in love with another person which never became a relationship because the love was unreciprocated. And I have been in a relationship without being in love with the person because I thought that I could work on falling in love with the person over time. Suffice to say that I've learnt that some physical (or sexual) attraction is a necessary part of falling in love with someone.

Or is it?

I've attended and organized more weddings than I can count. And at almost every wedding the following words from the Bible are invariably uttered by the minister:

1 Cor 13:1-13 (NIV, Abridged)
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. ... And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

So I've realized that love is both an emotion, AND a decision to esteem another higher than oneself and be selfless towards that person.

Sometimes I have to catch myself when I begin to go down the path of "I'm not getting anything out of this relationship." And remember that love is first and foremost about giving, not taking. And sometimes I have actually destroyed the potential for a great loving relationship by trying to get the other person to fulfill my needs.

I guess these 2 years of singlehood has taught me all this. The biggest lesson is to not find a relationship to meet a need or complete me. Because even under all the guise of trying to be the most giving and loving partner possible, there is still an element of wanting something from that other person.

I've also learnt that there is a part of me that yearns to be in a relationship, to belong to someone else. I think it has been programmed into the very fabric of our being that we were created for relationships. It is afterall, not good for man to be alone, and we all do need a bit of help now and then.

Finally, I've learnt that relationships that have been brought together are nothing short of miracles. And yes, I'm waiting patiently for mine to happen. For that person who is willing to come alongside and take this journey with me.

I've only got but one heart to give away. And yes, without being coy or untruthful, there are a few people I've met who I would love to give it to. But unfortunately, at this point in time, none of them seem to want it (or realize that it's available for their consideration).

And yes, it is back to square one. But that's okay. Just got to keep going. Keep connecting with people. The right person or the right time hasn't come along yet. And the miracle could very well be around the corner.

And so, I wait.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

http://blog.sayoni.com/2006/08/13/waterlights/

Awesome awesome poetry.

I love great poems from the homosexual perspective. It just makes it so real. Becos it speaks right to the depths of your heart, depths which most people will never experience. Or really comprehend.




To thine ownself be true.

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And the coolest thing was I actually met the poet at jin's house party. Just that I didn't know it was her. In fact, she didn't strike me at all as someone who has a way with words. Cool. Just cool. All the poets I like are all gay. Te ng Qi an Xi, Alv in Pang, alfi an sa'at, adrian na etc etc... One of Singapore's most famous blog http://www.yawningbread.org/, is by one of the pioneer gay activists. Then again, most creative people are gay. =)

Damn, all the happening people are gay! =D

Before the 'toilet incident', my life was a shade of N J grey. There wasn't anything to look forward to. There was boredom and isolation and a cage to contend with. There wasn't anyone. And in a span of a few months everything just CHANGED. Like my life has completely and totally turned around. I see the world in psychedelic colours and splendour now. Everything is beautiful and awesome and inspiring. It's like Creation at my fingertips, happening before my very eyes. Now my world doesn't seem so small anymore. It's almost like a universe, full of stars and galaxies and comets. It dazzles so much it blinds. I guess it's true what Angelina Jolie says, "If you don't get out of the box that you've been raised in, you won't understand how much bigger the world is." And there are times I just feel utterly complete, when I'm with the people who are like me. More so than my closest straight friends. More so.

I used to feel powerless, a small fry in the great shape of things. Now I'm given chances to mould something to do something I really feel for. That I believe in. My world's not all about me me me anymore. And there are so many amazing teens around me. More talented than me. And you know one day, we will pull through. That we don't all struggle for nothing. That it was all worth it in the end. All that homophobia to endure, it was all worth it in the end.

There are times I feel like I'm growing up too much too fast. I'm seeing things which most people would see only later and perhaps this is not the time for me to see them. For I cannot comprehend completely yet and how, how would I know? But for what it's worth, I don't think I'll ever look back. Because whenever I feel sad, all I have to think is that there is so much to look forward to in life now (instead of worrying in the past about how am I gonna make myself love a man and live with him forever). This is my ray of light. There are so many possibilities and so many new things to experience. And the straights (which make up 90% of the population) won't ever get to see. If you took a microscope and analysed my past versus my present, would you nod your head and smile? I think you would...

Because this is so much better.

So much better.

--------

It's cruel to be kind.

You told me you prayed to God before you made your decision to tell her. Maybe this is what He intended all along. Thank you then. Words can't express how grateful I am becos it has changed my life. I used to cry tears of sadness and hurt when I think about what you did. Now I cry tears of happiness. No kidding.

You have changed my life, do you know that? If you still read this blog...

National Day's Eve Party at Jin and Jean's House
(8pm~3am)
Had another all-grrls party at jin's house the other day. Fantastic. Laughed alot. Drank sprite ice (Because I was a cheapskate and didn't want to spend on booze or touch it today). About 20 odd people turned up. I'm too lazy to descibe some more. My words are failing me. But either way, can't wait for the next gathering!! Woohoo~


*School is seriously going to cramp my current lifestyle man....*



Playing the game, "I have never....". Obviously all the sex questions were of a certain kind only lol!

--------------

Sister's lame joke of the day:

We were at a restaurant having family dinner.....

Her: Wanna go bowling later?
Me: Don't want!
Her: She can plate, fork and spoon. But she can't bowl.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Signs that we all live in a small world:

1. My gay boss's aunt is Miss HE ng, the beloved behemoth of a principal of SC GS.

2. My business camp facilitator is the god brother of my softball junior.

3. The girl I met and had a nice chat with at the thum per club (which I lied my way out of camp to go to) lesbian party is my sm u senior. And I will see her soon, most possibly during freshmen camp. And of all the girls in the club, she is the hottest (in my humble opinion) and also the most straight. But oh well, cyn tells me she is extremely, exceedingly gay-friendly. Cool. Even though I didn't find another gay senior, I found a gay-friendly one. And I haven't even started school yet.

---------

Six degrees of separation people. It's really true.

I don't like this at all.

Oh well, I should've seen it coming miles away....

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

L3: Living, Loving, Leaving.

Take a roller-coaster ride from teenage years to adulthood, as queer women from each generation talk about their perspectives and experiences in coming out, singlehood, relationships, health and ageing.

Enjoy rhapsodies and barrels of laughter as we share and learn from each generation. A lifetime opportunity that you wouldn’t want to miss.

Organized by Sayoni - Empowering Asian Queer Women
Date: Saturday, 5 August 2006
Time: 7:30 pm
Admission: Free
Venue: Theatreworks, 72-13 Mohamed Sultan Road

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Preparing for the event...



Doing the sound check. Me: "Testicles testicles. One... Two!"



Signing in with Doorbitches Jere my and Pinkie looking on....



If a bomb when off in this place, a sizeable portion of Singapore's gay girls would have died along with it...






Post-talk refreshments. Actually it was leftovers that nit-picky people didn't want to eat...

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Friday was weird. Surreal. Me and ying went back to N J.

I craved the good cheap food there. Blogging about it now makes me crave N J food even more. I want my pratas...

We bought cai fan, mutton murtabak, and drinks. Unfortunately, the western food store wasn't selling chicken cutlet, and my fave chicken/duck rice stall wasn't open (that meant no delicious fried rice with tau kwa for me). Prata was fabulously sinful as usual. Crisp doughy skin, fragrant meat filling and crunchy onions. Dip them slices in thick, slurpy, curry gravy, with slivers of tomato and potato pieces. Orgasmic. Cai fan was ordered without the fan. The old students (my year) who were the cai fan uncle's godsons, now work part-time at his store. I whispered softly to my fellow peer to put more rou onto my plate, cos he gave three pathetic pieces. We ordered mostly meats from that store, and a tau kwa and potato slices too.

I bought my ribena.

The softballers were having fund-raising by selling waffles made on the spot with nutella/peanutbutter/rasberry jam/whatever combination you want...spreads. I bought the largest portion. X J took my order while Li made the waffle and I-have-no-idea spread the peanut butter and nutella for me. I ate half and ying finished the other. It was orgasmic. I wished I had space for more.

And I also wished I still at least bought more pratas and food from the western food store and laksa store. I crave a bubble tea now. And my chipolata sausages which mi ndy intro-ed me last time. I wished I caved into desire and bought the chicken rice from the prata store. I wished I wished ms ling was there. Then a teacher worth coming back for and talking to would make my day and visit worth my while. I missed N J for its food. And I had that thought as I sat on the empty benches (the only people in outsider clothes and not grey rags), with the wonderful wind-by-the-hills that is so typical of the HC I, N J and nan yang campuses (becos we are all situated on hills)

--------

We went to sc for second round after that. With Fran joining us along the way. Ate mee pok. Which now, in my humble opinion, is going downhill. It tasted too sour, too little. The mee doesn't taste as doughy/floury and springy anymore. Everytime I buy, the rou ALWAYS runs out. So what scraps were left for us alumni were fishballs and fishcake. I ate them anyway.

Just before I left, I spied a counter of goods at the student corner. It confirmed all suspicions and exceeded my expectations. It also left me feeling really proud.

SC is going the way of Tit. Taitai in training. The programmes are all geared in that direction already.

On the counter was a display of organic food. Expensive gourmet organic food from cereals to fruit juices to power bars to. Manned by a parent (rich one I suppose). A convenient poster informed us that it was some health month in SC, and there was a whole list of activities lined up for the girls, including but not limited to... aromatherapy, freakin-pilates, in-line skating etc. The first two made me smile. SC girls are going to get even more refined. Now.

I love the white-washed walls and the peaceful greens of SC. I wished I was a kid again, and didn't have the worries of the adult world or the nagging tugs of this irritant called Desire. Urgh.


Make me simple again.

This took my breathe away...



Awesome.



----------

Makes me wish that I kept all my poetry to you. Instead of letting them die secretly away when the inevitable time came to change handphones. Since all I did was type them through sms. Typical teenage generation style of literature. I thought it didn't matter that the memories were lost. Or that the remainders of what I wrote disappeared from my head (and records) forever.

I guess I was wrong. Cos I'm struggling to remember them now.




"Let us go then you and I..."

Last night was the sayoni women's talk.

There were 4 women on the panel, each representing a slice of queer women from the different age groups. I represented the 10-20 age group. And then I had to talk... in front of 100 odd women.

Oh gosh.

Public speaking. After my botched sm u interview, there is nothing more I dread than to speak in front of alot of people. But then ke lly reminded me, "This is a chat between friends. Remember that." Yeah, no one here is going to assess me on how well I speak or presented my arguements. Everyone here is part of the queer family. And I'm going to talk on something so fundamentally simple and close to me. Myself and homosexuality. How tough can that get?? Don't plan too much what to say, just let your thoughts flow...

Deep breath.

I'm glad the front rows were filled mostly with people I know. That made things easier. Plus Ke lly herself was scared too. So I didn't feel so loser being the only one scared. When the first question came, everybody else on the panel all turned and arrow-ed me with their eyes. I was like... shit I start first??? Omg. But as the talk carried on, things got easier and easier and better and better. It was a chat between friends really.

Plus! My nervousness was seriously distracted by something else. I felt completely at ease very fast into the talk. As for the distraction, it came in the form of... never mind. I'm just glad that everything went smoothly. And tonight, is another milestone in my gay life. I spoke at the biggest lesbian talk ever held! Woohoo! Next year would just get better and better and better =D

Later, Cyn and others gave me flowers. And I found more youths for the youth group! And I met SC GS seniors in the crowd! They all know Sie and Chua....X)


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On an even happier note, I have one more helper for the youth group! A tech savvy gay dude! Now things are starting to come together. We have a name. A plan. A mission. And the people... are starting to pour in.

And whatever happens, it's in God's hands. Whatever happens to another part of my life. It's all in Your hands...

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I.must.stop.falling.for.straight.girls.