Thursday, July 27, 2006

Am back from the SM UX camp!

Phew that camp was insane. Other than OB Lumut which has gotta be the most physically gross camp I've ever been to. Firstly, we couldn't bathe for two days (cos there was no time for it). Just 2-3 hours before sleep time I was sweltering like a hog trying to cycle up this massive hill in jurong island. It didn't help that earlier we had camoflage cream (from the army) rubbed on our faces becos we were playing a game with forfeits. So my black make-up was running. Ugh!

Average sleeping time for both nights was 2-4 am in the morning. This is becos the day and night was packed with activities that took very very long to complete. Trekking was gross cos we had to wade through this muddy train tunnel in some ulu-fied part of Singapore. That was sick. Plus walking through tall itchy grass that had not been bushwhacked at all, and only barely trampled. For two days, I had to wear a wet swimwear twice that clunged onto me for 6 hours each time, cos there was no time to wash up and dress into new clothes. Besides, I was going to get wet in the next activity again.

Becos of all the physical exertion, we drank copious amounts of fluids. And it wasn't really healthy fluids, it was lotsa cokes and ice lemon teas and sprites and fizzy drinks. Plus chips bought on the side. On the second day, I was getting dizzy spells late in the night. This camp is really extreme as part of it's name would imply. Also, the activities weren't as fun (or funny) as the Sports camp.

However on the bright side, my group was really dynamic! We clicked really well and the guys made me laugh alot. There was also one girl in my group who was extremely amusing being who she was = A quiet sort of tai-tai. The guys kept teasing her. In all, my group was made up of really nice people. And it was better than the sports camp group cos I felt that we bonded deeper and talked more about our lives/experiences. Our GLs were really nice as well. And it seems to be a common thing that all camp facilitators love to take photos all the time. I lost count how many times I bared (my teeth) for the camera in these two camps.

Diving was also really cool. Even though it scared the shit out of me at first (cos I didn't know how to breathe properly and couldn't really swim with the cumbersome gear and fins. Which resulted in my slow-motion struggle in the water futilely trying to get the attention of the instructor, who probably thought I was only trying to move forward). I felt like an astronaut while diving. Cos you're encased in all this bulky equipment strapped all over you, in your 'big-eye' goggles and breathing regulator, moving and living in this cocoon of water. Every movement you made (at least for me) was painfully s l o w. There was one time it took me 5 seconds to move less than half a metre through water. When we started moving around the deep pool to swim around in the low depths, I felt as though I was the astronaut moving through space. Fingers outwards first (the only thing I can see in front of my misty large goggles), forever outstretched to clutch the instructor should anything happen. It's surreal to stay underwater for so long. And dreadfully uncomfortable. I couldn't wait to surface.

In all, I had a really good time with my group mates in the SM UX camp and a really good time playing the activities in the sports camp. So everything was good and worth my time going =D Now, life feels like a perpetual wait for the next camp to start, commencement of camp and its discomforts, and the post-high of finishing camps.

It's a vicious cycle.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Just came back from SM U Swoo sh Sports Camp '06 on saturday.

I'm really reallly shacked. It was quite tiring, BUT, I had alot of fun! =) There were certain games and activities that just made me laugh and laugh until I teared. This was especially so for the telematch and stage games. We also had water sports and games in the swimming pool. That was really fun as well although the please-wear-swimwear part spooked me initially cos I have not swam in two years. And I'm not exactly sure whether my body was swimwear-worthy. Still, at least I could still swim pretty decently (all the secondary school years of swimming in the pool at the club paid off) cos the guys from the opposing group said that 'your girls swim very fast'.

Speaking about my group, it was comprised of 5 guys and 3 girls. Although I didn't like the gender inbalance at first (being girl-crazy and therefore preferential to female group members), it worked out pretty well in the end cos all that male muscle was put to good use in the physical games. There was one flamboyant R J canoeist in our group whom we called, 'hard-o-gay' (according to the japanese gay imposter), three AC jocks (a.k.a. posers), one R J girl and one female PRC import. Most of the things we talked about between the group members was largely superficial and on-the-surface. Well, I guess I can't expect much out of three days with a group of strangers. But amongst the small, useless chit-chat, I kind of detect something deeper lurking in the others. We just don't show it yet. I certainly didn't. But I know if we all had more time and more reasons to interact, we would know each other better. In the end, I would say my group was so-so only.

Sports camp was a last minute decision for me. I wasn't really intending to go for it. Not even when that SM U senior tried to convince me to go ( She has the most orgasmic hair I've ever seen. No kidding. From the first time I met her at the finance workshop months ago, till the time I met her again during matriculation, it looks more orgasmic than ever. It seriously looks like it came right out of a shampoo advertisement). But of cos, the facts that I was on the waiting list for SM U X camp and that she would be there, was good enough to make me sign up. And I'm really glad I did! =) The bouts of laughter were some of the hardest I've had in a long while (with straight people).

After the camp ended at around 4pm. I came home, bathed and shot of the house again. This time for the fifth sayoni gathering. Ain't it cool? This website was only formed at the start of the year and already, we have had five outings. Minimum 20+ lesbians/bisexual girls attending. Tonight broke all records. Becos there were FORTY girls.

We had dinner at botanic gardens. It was only just a few of us at first, the rest would join later. Then we went to this really charming, romantic place called The Wine Company. It was a wine wholesaler who had a cafe for in-house wine consumption. Dimly lit with candles, decorated with artwork, silverware and ceramics on display, with plush cushions to lounge in, it's the perfect spot for a date actually. Besides all kinds of wines on the menu, they also had cheese platters and appetizers to go with the wines. The more sophisticated lesbians ordered the wines (some even ordered the more expensive sauvignon blanc). My favourite was a spaetlese, which is a really sweet wine. I also had the pleasure of meeting many many new people, including ex-softballers, J C kids, more malay and indian lesbians. I wanted to stay longer but I was too tired and it was already quite late. So I left just as people started ordering the in-house pizza -_-.

Okay, that's what happened to me in the past few days. Tomorrow, I am going for the SM U X camp. (Yes I know it's madness, two camps with only 1 day rest in between) Hopefully, it would be even better =)

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Lord, I leave it all in Your hands. If anything is meant to happen, it will be becos of You. My life is what You make of it.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

PRESS RELEASE
17 July 2006
Singapore












August is Singapore gay pride season again Indignation 2006, the second annual Gay and Lesbian Pride Season, starts on 1 August and will comprise around 20 events.

The event calendar can be seen at www.plu.sg/indignation/ or click on the logo.

Like last year, there will be a number of forums on various subjects, from women's issues to gay marriage, from Indian classical literature to the recent general election.

Well-known writer Christine Suchen Lim will be reading two of her stories on 10 August in the event titled "Mothers at the edge". Acclaimed playwright Desmond Sim's new play, "Fairy Godfather" will be given a reading on 12 and 13 August.

Dominic Chua will once again be organising ContraDiction", an evening of gay poetry, on 3 August.

This year, transgendered Singaporeans will also be having their own dialogue session, also on 3 August.

The organisers of Indignation 2006 are a subgroup from People Like Us, a gay and lesbian group whose mission is public education with respect to sexuality and non-discrimination.

"There is a tremendous amount of energy and creativity among gays and lesbians," says Russell Heng, one of the organisers. "The pity is that Singapore doesn't realise the contribution made by gay and lesbian Singaporeans unless one organises a festival like this to showcase it."

Adds Alex Au: "Nor do many Singaporeans realise that straight people too, e.g. Suchen Lim, one of our contributors, support the message that ignorance and discrimination is wrong."

"Indignation is a broad tent. Everybody, straight and gay, is welcome to participate," stressed Kelvin Wong. "And hopefully, people will realise that that party set do not typify the gay community."

"The ultimate message of Indignation," says Jean Chong, "is that lesbians, bisexuals, transsexuals and gays are part of Singapore life and members of our families, and we should be asking ourselves, why do we discriminate against our own?"

Agreeing, Miak Siew, who is curating an art exhibition, titled "Sama-sama", says, "We want to reflect the dreams and aspirations of the gay community as part of Singapore."

Not all events are serious; Pride Season is interspersed with social evenings for light-hearted fun including an evening of Chinese singing at Xpose cafe and the Great Singapore Makeover at Mox bar and cafe. Tantric Bar is organising Paradise 2006, to celebrate National Day.

The Pride Season will round off with a book launch on 24 August, followed by a chill-out evening at Club95.

For more information, please see: www.plu.sg/indignation/

(email link available from that site)

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I'm gonna be part of it! Woohoo!~~ Come join if you wanna see a slice of gay culture in Singapore. =D

I love it when I have surges of happiness.

It can occur at the most random moment, but mostly, it occurs when I'm around my friends. But there isn't much reason to trigger it, it just comes. It's like I suddenly know I'm happy and then I'm on this cloud nine. As though the reality around me was a rose-coloured and cherry-flavoured luxury, and everything that was happening at this moment was beautiful. No matter how mundane it is.

Lately, I've been having many surges of happiness. Sometimes I get it during cell group. And I get it at the point of time whereby people are just talking matter-of-factly (we aren't even laughing or having some huge emotional carthasis as we sometimes do). There was once I had it after cell. We were walking towards the train station and I just had this sudden urge to grab mar k beside me and hug him. I don't know why. Maybe it's becos he launched once more into one of his introspective analysis of local issues. And how I like the way he puts it forth.

Sometimes I have it during softball. I could just be walking around the grandstand area at school, helping to take out equipment. And suddenly I realised how a day of laughter and fun awaits me. Or when we are playing in the competition, and how I don't really have to care how we fared. When we stone in the fast food outlets in post-mortem mode of a softball competition. And I realised I'm doing this becos I'm free and this is a time-filler. This is recreation.

I get it when I'm with some of the girls. The queer girls. Mostly older than me. But how we can just spend a siesta-like afternoon over coffee and cakes. TCC is the watering hole. There was a period of time that I went to TCC at least once every week. And how tomorrow can wait becos today is forever. Or it feels like it.

Sometimes I even get them when I'm driving. Or after I've driven.

I like it when time slows down during my surges of happiness. And I think why these surges occur so frequently these days is becos there is no stress. No worries. No stupid, Singaporean rat-race for grades. No comparison. No selfish self-advancement. No desire for some unattainable b*tch.

--------

And I hope uni won't kill these surges. That I will still be as happy. As I am now. In my aimless life. Well it's not that aimless actually. My schedules are packed and the rationale of my living is socialising. Seeing the change brought on by activists and enjoying their company. When the crazy schedule starts and my softball ends, maybe I can escape through all these again. In a surge of happiness.

I hope this lasts...

Friday, July 14, 2006

Yesterday was a damn interesting day...

It was FemmeQuest 2006, the lesbian event of the year. Lol. Zouk was packed man. Literally. There were women spilling from the balconies, packed like sardines at the ground level, squished against the stage (me included, becos I'm short and I don't care but I'm going to squeeze myself to the front cos I paid $8 and I wanna be able to see).

And the sun must be shining on me today cos the women were oh-my-god-I-didn't-know-lesbians-were-so-hot hot. There were pretty girls from floor to ceiling, everywhere you look. And might I add that the audience were hotter than the pageant contestants themselves haha. MTV Vj Den nis Kelle r was also there. So was the local model, Rebe cca Ta n. The winner of the pageant was hot. Seriously. Everybody (who dressed feminine) looked hot period.

But. Best of all, I met this uber-cool new friend. An African-american lesbian on a summer internship from... (get this)... Y A L E University (!) We first contacted each other through the RQ mailing list. Then she came down for the lesbian party.. whoa hoa...! The first professional lesbian I've ever met. She actually asked me if it would be normal for her to buy another girl a drink. (Like I would ever have the guts to do that). And! At the end of the night, she actually got the Hp number of the winner of the pageant. That is the first time I see someone actually hook up with someone in a club. But anyway, how cool is that?? My first Black friend!! Woohoo~~~~

Now I can say that on my portfolio of gay friends, it's like the United Colours of Benetton ad. Chinese, Malay, Indian, ang-moh, mixed and now.. BLACK!!! So cool. =D

After the show, me and xav sat at the benches instead of dancing inside zouk. My ears were dying from the unusally loud music today already. Plus I was too tired. Outside Zouk was plenty of drama too. We actually saw butches fighting. After awhile, it became a spectacle. A melo-drama, the queer version of a Channel 8 series. The femme walks up to her butch lover and gives her a tight slap. Fighting between butch rivals ensue... Fists fly and cigarette butts are stubbed into people's heads when they are down on the ground. As the hokkien would say, "Xiao!".

Oh, and the other perk of the night is seeing po pagandhi and her now-famous girlfriend. I think she even recognised me abit, since she caught my eye and I had walked up to her during the sm u openhouse to pay homage to my fave blogger of Singapore.

After all is said and done, (and pro lesbian has gotten the Hp number of her 'catch of the day'), we left for supper. Western food at the 24 hour as usual...

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But I do like it when I see girls kissing. It's just a lovely sight.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

During the high tea last week, we kinda... thought of the past. The lovely SC past.





Nightmare.






The Food Club started by Fran and missing one particular member, which the ingenious and enterprising remaining members, decided to retify...

COLDPLAY ROCKKKEDDD!!!! AIEEEEEEE!!!!~~~~~~~

My gosh. My virgin concert experience. And the Best Band in the World was the defiler. Omg. It was.. mind-blowing. The lights the sound the drums the jumping... the singing. The mosh pit was crazy. Awesome awesome voice of Chris Martin. It was so exquisitely good.

And surprise surprise, Singaporeans actually got up on their feet and waved their hands in the air. The music was so beautiful. All my favourite Coldplay songs (except for Don't Panic and A Rush of Blood to the Head) wre played. The last part could make me cry. I almost teared. They sang the lovely Fix You, right after the In My Place. And the crowd got louder and louder singing the lyrics that we drowned out Chris himself. You could feel your emotion rise with the noise of the crowd.

Oh gosh. I think we all looked delirious after the concert.

The bar is raised so high now. My next concert has got to top this one or else I'd be disappointed.


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"Oh let's go back to the start..."
I wish it never ended.


COLDPLAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, July 10, 2006

Sam has left. And I forgot to sms her 'Goodbye'.

F*ck.

Six more months before I see an old friend again. Oh well. At least we had our chi-chi high tea farewell last tuesday.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

http://ballsy.wordpress.com/2006/07/06/all-i-needed-to-know-i-learnt-at-an-all-girls-party/

=D

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Perk of the day:

I saw that chick again. Ah well.

*smiles*

Today was the first time in two weeks I played softball. Great.

Tis' good to finally see some straight people for a change! Lol. And anyway, the juniors are so adorable they make me wanna pinch their cheeks sometime. C Y keeps asking whether we feel younger when we're around them. Haha. And the silly silly things we talk about. The post-softball decay at the KFC, which has free flow of drinks for parched throats (cos we always underestimate our water needs). The slow walk/crawl to the far-away KFC, dragging along all the gear and stinking up the environment. Oh yes, we all smell.

During the game itself we can be laughable. When it's not our turn to bat, we sit and stone, and robotically cheer, "Go [insert name]!", to whichever softballer is currently facing the music. Then when there's a sudden spike in action, we scream 'Run, run run!' like there's no tomorrow. Or maybe it's just me screaming, the rest are saying more intelligeble things.

Pitching is even funnier. The coach's way of encouraging the pitcher is to say, "Explode, Li". Whereas we just say, "You can do it, Li." or "Go Li" or "Just chuck it in, Li". Then after awhile I realise the word explode is the most appropriate word to use. Becos it describes the whole act of pitching anyway. A burst of power. Ka-boom~!

Today's game wasn't that bad. It was a pretty close call. But best of all, I slid! I slide-ed!! In like.. ages! Gosh it's so awesome to slide. Just whoosh and leave behind a sandstorm in your wake. That was fun =) Totally.

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The best things happen when your body takes over your mind. You don't think, Just Do It.

Friday, July 07, 2006

EVERYTHING POSSIBLE
by Fred Small

We have cleared off the table, the leftovers saved
Washed the dishes and put them away
I have told you a story and tucked you in tight
At the end of your knockabout day

As the moon sets its sails to carry you to sleep
over the midnight sea
I will sing you a song no one sang to me
May it keep you good company

You can be anybody you want to be
You can love whomever you will
You can travel any country where your heart leads
And know I will love you still

You can live by yourself, you can gather friends around
You can choose one special one
And the only measure of your words and your deeds
Will be the love you leave behind when you're done

There are girls who grow up strong and bold
There are boys quiet and kind
Some race on ahead, some follow behind
Some go in their own way and time

Some women love women, some men love men
Some raise children, some never do
You can dream all the day never reaching the end
Of everything possible for you

Don't be rattled by names, by taunts, by games
But seek out spirits true
If you give your friends the best part of yourself
They will give the same back to you

You can be anybody you want to be
You can love whomever you will
You can travel any country where your heart leads
And know I will love you still

You can live by yourself, you can gather friends around
You can choose one special one
And the only measure of your words and your deeds
Will be the love you leave behind when you're done

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Guy: Are you gay?
Girl: Gay? Haha! I'm ecstatic!

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Life is so surreal this days.

I see almost everything in rainbow colours. In other words, I see almost everything in shades of gay. Everywhere I go, its gay this gay that. Gay friend here gay outing there. Gay-affirmative church, mostly gay cell group. Online life is also so gay. Watching secretly passed around and clandestine gay-themed movies (I want the DVD and deleted scenes!). Which are not being shown in Singapore. Reading fantastic graphic novels with a gay-themedonated by nice gay men. Meeting the gay people who are collaborating on the youth group. Thinking gay things.

Somehow everything is as gay and therefore happy, as it can get. There's so much laughter and losing yourself in all the smiles and cheeriness that goes around. The bantering, teasing and jokes.

And there's also the sombre, quieter moments. When you talk haltingly about hidden skeletons in your closet to other listeners. Seeing grown men cry in emotionally-charged cell meetings.

There's also that warm feeling of gratefulness. When the church asks you if there's anything in their power they can do to help with the youth group (besides providing a venue). Being constantly reassured by other activists who say, 'don't worry', if 'problems come they are okay, they are expected', and all the advice dished out. Getting help from arguably the most informed counsellor in Singapore on the issue of homosexuality (reporters go to her whenever they are about to embark on GLBT articles). Getting help from more than one counsellor. I'm so grateful for all this. And also for the fact that so many people put their faith and trust in you, and believe that you can pull this off. Achieve it. It gives me drive to really make this happen. Becos so much hangs in the balance. So much has been done already. All the hours upon hours of meetings. Brainstorming, consultation and session planning. We've come this far. I wanna make it to the end. Even though I know that when school starts, things will just get crazy. (And they warned us that the youth group will tire you). This is my priority.

There are times I get so comfortable in my circle of gay friends, that I think: This is enough, this is paradise for the gay person already. But then I look back and see how hard the road I had to travel to get to this place and I know the fight is far from over. There's still so much to be done and so many things to achieve to make this a better place. As of now, great events have commenced and they continue to enrich my 'style' which the govt has cramped. Yes. If you aren't gay, you'd wouldn't understand the feeling of oppression that gay people live under. There are many injustices that you don't read about in the newspapers, for the govt will never allow these to be published. The rights taken away, the steps put in place to prevent us from progressing. Don't even talk about homophobia, the general apathy of the public on gay issues is enough to discourage one already. (It's not their problem so why should they really care?)

If we can make this youth group happen, then I wanna do something similar in sm u. Nothing's impossible.

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On another note, becos my life is filled to the brim with gay stuff. I rarely meet up with straight people these days. S C girls aside, we meet only 3-4 times this whole holiday period. Mi -ndy has the dubious honour of being the only straight person I've watched a movie with this year (the rest were all gay people). I've only met the N J classmates once in like.. 7-8 months?? The only straights I see on a regular basis are the softball juniors. It. Is. Pathetic. So much so that sometimes, when I talk about gay stuff to straight people and realised how little they know about the gay psyche, it astounds me. I'm getting too used to being able to say things which are easily understood. But then again, I'm glad that people actually ask cos it gives me a chance to educate others about what it's like to live in my world.

Some days I think to myself that if I didn't turn out to be gay, my life would have been so borring otherwise. I would only meet the same kind of people if I wasn't gay. In other words, the 'student' kind. Now the average age of my friends is thirty. My potential sm u professor is my cell group leader. My boss and colleagues are from church. The only male model friends I have are gay. Even before I enter sm u, I have found seniors there already, and they give me great advice. The most outrageous outings are with the gay people. This Chinese New Year, I lou-hei-ed a record three times with gay people on three different nights. Cycling at pulua ubin, beach outings, house gatherings, having tea in other people's houses (and being served espresso in little china cups), going to a body-wellness studio to chill out, going around gay pubs and clubs to hand out fliers on Christian talks/forums, going for the monthly grrls meeting. Working on a film set which is a chance I'll never get if I was straight (cos my career path does not come near that at all, nor was I really interested to find out more). Going for real life project meetings. If I cut out the youth group, my life is almost aimless right now (besides the driving and finanacial education efforts). Somehow, it has given me this sense of purpose. And all around you are lots and lots of gay activists, all with a sense of purpose. And I know from all these driven people would come waves of change one day. They're already making it.

There's something about the underground sub-culture and how I've never seen such activism in my entire life but here. It's almost like a fire. But the most alluring thing about it is the purpose. There is purpose in life other than advancing my selfish self. Which is probably what I would have sunk into if I was straight, knowing the lazy ass I am.

But somehow, this whole deus ex machina just chuggs me along with it. Once scarred, you just wanna help. I once read this somewhere but it rings so true to me. It goes something like this, a gay man's quote: 'every survivor has an obligation to help'.



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Life is cool =)

Found something really funny online:

A British Airway's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers: "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle."Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up bitch."


hahahahahaha

Saturday, July 01, 2006

As I was coming back from cha's birthday party today, I saw someone familiar on the bus.

It was the boy from level 15 of my block. All the time in the bus, I was smoothing down the faux fur on my bag, listening to the mp3, oblivious to the world. Then much later I looked up and caught a side glimpse of him. Face partially hidden from a guitar case in front. And I immediately took down my hairband and mussed up my hair to get that 'tousled look.'

Hmmm.


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It's funny you know. Me and that boy used to play at the playground when we were ten. Our coming together wasn't easy. At the age, you still have gender prejudices. Girls don't play with the boys. And we were fiercely loyal to our gender cliques. But the first time I saw him, I liked him already. Alot of people would think that his older brother was cuter. Becos he had the chiseled, sharp facial features and was taller. But somehow, the boy at level 15 had the certain... bad boy look. The bad-but-really-I-am-a-good-boy look. That was my first crush on a boy. And somehow, I wished that the social hierarchy on the playground would break down, and for once, girls and boys would mix so that I can get to know him.

Once, it did. The boys were only three strong, not enough for catching. So timidly, and quite embarrasingly (cos it's usually humiliating to be the first one to approach a stranger group), one of the boys came and ask the girls if they wanted to play catch together. So we said yes, and they taught us a new form of catching called 'freeze and melt'. And from then on, girls and boys on the playground played together. However, our interaction was only limited to screaming and tagging each other. We never really socialised or bothered to find out each other's names. Plus, I was particularly shy towards him. So it was only weeks before I finally asked him his name. And until now, he's the only guy I know of who has such a name. I don't know how it's spelt, but it's pronounced as 'jye-rer'. I never really knew if I heard correctly, cos it sounded like no name I've ever heard before. But I didn't dare ask further.

As time passed, our interaction improved a little. And slowly, we started to develop into a mixed-gender clique. But then there was one period of time when he didn't come for a few weeks. But I still came down religiously, thinking that this time he will appear.

But he never did.

Then one day, as usual, I came down and was dissapointed. As it neared dinner time and I was walking back to the lifts, I bent down to pick up something. As I looked up, there he was, giving me this million-watt smile. And to see that after not seeing him for weeks was like... heaven was smiling down upon me. I still remember that moment. There he was in school clothes, coming back from school. Coming back finally.. to the playground. To me.

There was another time, when my period came for the first time. Being the hygiene freak I was, I refused to do any physical activity for one whole week. Didn't go down to the playground. I finally returned after it was over. And the moment I set foot upon the rubberised playmat, there he came, bounding towards me and asking (quite frantically) why I had gone. One of our boy playmates saw us and sniggered, saying, 'Eh why you so worried? Your girlfriend ah?' Then he blushed. And I stood there, thinking that this is music to my ears...That night, I slept with sweet thoughts in my head.

I had another good boy playmate. This time he was a real bad boy. (He now smokes I think). I came down to the playground early and there was only him around. So we played soccer with me being the goalkeeper and him trying to kick goals. At one point, he accidentally kicked a ball right into my crotch area. Later, when the whole clique had assembled at the playground in one circle, he bragged to the group about what happened, saying how 'powerful' he was. Then I stole a glance at level 15 boy (as I always do), and hark, do I catch a flash of jealousy on his face?

Time passed. I was happy being able to be his playground friend. Sometimes I even imagined that I would have my first kiss on the slides. But Year 11 came, primary 5 took over and everyone was too busy. People stopped going to the playground. And I rarely saw him after that. So rarely that I've only seen him twice or thrice in the ten years that followed, even though we live in the same block.

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We're older now. And as we walked back to our block (me in front, him a safe distance behind), I realised I was going to be in the same lift as him. So I better walk slower so that he can catch up. I wondered if I looked okay. Then at the lobby, there came the eternal wait for a lift to come. We kept our distance. Going into the lift, I was the first. For a moment, I wanted to press his floor for him without him asking. Becos I know and remember all these years. But I didn't. He stood to the side in front of me. From this angle, I could steal glances at him. And I did that, cos I see him like.. once in a millennium or something. He's different now. Lots of piercings, metal rings, plays a guitar (obviously). He's not much taller than me. Same hair as the ten-year old him I know. Which I prefer, compared to the pseudo-cool spiked/gelled up grass you see these days.

When the lift came to a stop at my level (and you hear the lift bell got 'ding!'). I suddenly realised that this will be the end. I don't know when I'll see him again. And I knew that for a long time when I was younger, I always wished that we would somehow meet in the lift. Ever since we lost touch. But it never happened. Okay, only once. But today, was the second time. I don't know when's the third, or if there ever will be a third. I realised there wasn't much time I left, I have to get out soon.

Me: "Hey I know you right?"
Him: "Yeah we used to play in the playground."
Me: "What's your name?"
Him: "Jye-rer."
Me: "And your brother's joshua right?"
Him: "Yeah... bye.
Me: [too late. The lift door has closed, I didn't say goodbye]

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I think I can rationalise, why after all these years, he still gives me butterflies in my stomache. You see, for girls, crushes come and go very fast or slow (depending on how you see it). Some last a month, some many months. Some a year, or two. Becos there are always too many hot pretty girls around you. The new flavour of the month will replace the last one. I'm rarely, not crushing on some babe. But guys... I've never really felt anything real for guys. No emotion. But him. Only him. And becos there's only him, no guy has replaced him yet. So I still crush on him. And I know for sure the feelings' real. Becos I can imagine him on the same level as I imagine myself with girls. Not some silly physical fling. But real.

I've seen and know dozens of gay men more cuter more handsome, taller, more charming than you. But for some inexplicable reason, you still have a hold over me. Why are you so special?