Wednesday, May 31, 2006

As of now... my life consists of.. the 'gay things to do', softball, driving, ES: Oblivion (a computer game).. and housework.

Yes housework. Oh my gosh. Just as I quit from one job, I end up in another. No more typing in front of the computer for me, instead, I'm handed a broomstick and spatula. The maid's going on leave for three very loong weeks, leaving me to fend for the family. Since daddy dearest now has a specialised diet that follows a strict timetable, I have to do some serious cooking. And also included is mopping, sweeping, scrubbing, ironing, washing, packing and nagging to the younger sis.

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Then there's the meetings to plan for the youth group. I can see this is going to take ALOT of time, effort etc etc. So far we have done our interview questions and session 1. That took a long time to finalise cos you have to visualise the whole thing in your head. Hours was not enough for me and jere my. I feel like I'm doing project work at times, and I realised the skills they teach you in project work actually helps in real life. Interesting... But best of all, when we inject meaning into the things we plan to do, I could see how this could go far. I really hope so. All we need I think, is stamina to pull through this.

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On top of this, I have to attend the softball trainings (which I oh-so-love cos I'm a sadist and I like having to stand under the scorching heat, made to do sprinting which I hate, carry troublesome equipment around, all in the name of love.. for softball). Just like yesterday, at the end of 5 hours in the sun, body aching so incredibly badly I had trouble walking (we ndy herself refused to stretch and just stoned), I wondered to myself if I was mad. To sign up for this. Then I had another flashback of the sunday just a few days ago, how I dragged myself all the way down to Kallang, put on all that cumbersome gear, carrying my stuff, trying to run in flip flops to the field cos I was late. Knowing that I am missing church. I wondered the same thing. Then just as I reached there, turned my head to see an on-going game between the SAF team and another. One thought sprang to mind, and that was: This is so worth it...

Now here I sit with my body not yet recovered. So painful walking around the house itself is a chore. Stretching the muscles once in a while even though that hurts. And I think again, this is so worth it. Cos to play again is like being given.. a second chance. And then I remember all that I did in training, things to learn, improve on even though it so bloody hard for me to change, and the other nice things... the crack of the bat, the whump! of a catch, the execution of an accurate throw. Everything was worth it. I was even insane enough to contemplate going for PT this morning (just the day after one of the most insane softball training sessions I've ever gone through).

Not that I'm complaining, softball is worth my precious time.

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I thought after becoming jobless, I would have more time to relax. Time to stone even... But after the hours are taken up by housework and all my other commitments (computer game playing included), I don't have much time actually! No time to reply emails, no time to blog, no time to send completed articles to say oni, no time to really bother about the internet, no time to think (cos my head is filled with swords and magic, balls and gloves and urgent, scary reminders of things I NEED to do).


No time to bother formulating proper sentences for this blog. Who cares about it anymore (at least I don't... really), at the rate I'm going this place is going to die soon. No spark.



=/ *busy as a bee*

Friday, May 19, 2006

I miss school.

Terribly.

I miss going.. no.. rushing down to canteen. Trying to squeeze through the maze of bodies. Like tall palm trees all surrounding me. Trying to stick your neck out and spot the 'clique'. Buy your food. Cai fan, yong tau foo, hokkien mee, roti prata, take your pick. All taste great.. and that's one of the rare few positive things I can say about N J.

I miss bumming around when I'm suppose to be studying. Finding every chance to get out of the prison library , out of mugging to snack at the canteen. Buying my green tea... and dipping the dried sour plum into it. 'To bring out the flavour'. Playing badmintion with tennis rackets on the grassy knoll. Sneaking into the council room to steal their snacks, all with the permission of one nice councilor. I miss crawling flat on the ground to escape the school through the fence. Climbing above the gates.. and then falling on my ass. I miss the mahjong sessions.

I miss G P lessons. Hearing the fantastically articulate indian teachers expound on life and their views. Hearing the pe ireras and li ha ngs speak magic. And make you feel small, lol. I miss P E, and lovely handball, the other sport I adore besides softball. I miss running a half round on the track and then three girls trying to squeeze behind a barren bush to hide from the teachers. I miss sitting on the bleachers and talking forever to the softball girls, to friends. I miss weird science classes. With min dy's overflowing burette, and other non-stop comical entertainment. I miss ri chard and his wisecracks. I miss kee fe's cheeriness. Q j's bored look. I miss cracking w t and nus up. I miss the class.

I miss training. Sweat, mud and grass not withstanding. Pulling out the nets and picking up the balls all over the field. Warm up throwing, batting and fielding. Joking with ms l ing or mr to ng. Or na na. I miss the gluttony of post-softball training. Contrary to sound advice, we would pig out everytime, at the lovely lovely suburbia that is Bukit Ti mah. I miss our struggle and our triumphs together. I miss having softball ex-co conferences during class time with just two other people. And we make most of the decisions. The rest just agree cos ... well.. they weren't radical/objectionable ideas. I miss dissecting softball politics with them. And I miss talking shit with the softball guys.

I miss being cramped cheek by jowl and having to face friends every day. 24/7. In a mugger stress environment. I miss the sc gs corner in n j, that from day one, most of the sc girls would congregate on that same spot without fail.

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You know, on overall, n j wasn't exactly a fantastic experience. But I also know that its the last semblance to communal school life I will ever feel. I'd never thought I'd say this but: I miss N J.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Today as I huddled in my small little make-shift cubicle, fiddling with files and scotch tape.. as jere my typed away and get confused at the main table. (We are two temps, working con-currently)

I couldn't help but think.

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How utterly mad you are. You're mad. I can't stop saying it. To myself, to the 'close' ones. Its just.... oh my gosh... mad. And it was quite difficult to concentrate on work, when the whole issue seems so ridiculous. Ludicrous.

I remember that time at M ox, as I lounged by the balcony, slinking back against the white-washed walls. How, if I had a Bailey's on the rocks at the moment, I would probably have choked on it. Maybe I choked inside. I don't know. But what I do know, was that the moment he told me, it took me awhile to close my gaping jaws. Of all,.. of all the ... in the world, I'd never knew this is the other.

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I really can't understand sometimes? But the very fact I can't understand just proves my immaturity. I know. And the more I can't comprehend, the more I had trouble hiding this quizzical, pained expression of bewilderment on my face. I tried not to laugh/cringe/grin as I walked to the photocopier. It is hard... not to imagine it. Especially in the moments 'in between'. Between work and spacing out, between the security and secluded-ness of my cubicle to the bustling corporate law section of the office. Between talking to people and day dreaming. It all seem like some nightmare.

Pinch me. Cos I can't believe you're mad.

But then again, I'm weird. I act it. =/ And I think that's worse than mad.

Friday, May 12, 2006

This is super late but on Vesak Day, I went cycling around Pulua Ubin with the cell. Alot of crazy things ensued. Good food, laughter all around. But I'm too lazy to recall...

However, there are photos! Enjoy!









(We found two buggers mating...)

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Today was the primary 6 mini-gathering.

And it was the first time in 6 years that we sat down properly with the pr 6 classmates for a proper dinner and chat. The thought that ran through my head was... 'Wow, we have come such a long way now. With all our separate lives, interests, social circles. And yet we still look and sound familiar. We are so inherently ... same and different at the same time.' It was so so surreal.

What's more surreal was coming out to them. For amongst them, was the one girl who once said something which scared me. And drove my subconcious into hiding. I wasn't that comfortable around her. And I still am not. The amazing thing is even though I've come to the stage whereby I don't give a sh*t if you don't accept me, I still felt really apprehensive coming out to her. Becos of what happened long long time ago. Six years ago, when you said hurtful things to my friend. But we were young then, what do we know? At age 12? But I did it anyway, ga-yle egged me on. (Thank you for your support, friend). Plus there was nothing to lose anyway. So I did it. Then the questions started coming. Mostly from her. I answered, talk about the up-coming y outh group. And now that I'm at home, I wonder what she's thinking right now. Cos I knew you suspected me at age 12. Even when I didn't (refused) to see it then. I really wonder...

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Later, it dawned upon me how I'm so blessed to have such wonderful friends like ga-yle, cha, and sam around me. How ga-yle's the one who encourages me, even though she may not fully understand. How cha believes that its wrong, but when we almost quarrelled about it, she sms-ed me later saying that she was sorry we almost had an arguement and most importantly, our friendship is more than this. It is more than this... And all the times I ran to sam when I was hurt. At the rooftop when I was a blubbering fool in tears. In pain. In need of tissue to wipe myself. We all came such a long way.

And it never, never fails to amaze me how the people who are far away from me physically, in different classes, in different schools, are the ones who astound me cos our friendship is that much stronger. Even though, we talk less often, meet less often. They're there. And is it no surprise that we're all s c girls? =)

There are a few people in n j whom I miss terribly, and I wished we could just meet up sometime.

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Lovers come and go. But friends stay forever. Hold your dearest friends close to your heart. Cos you don't know what you've got till its gone.

And I know I can do without you.... But certain songs just make me think of

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Today I was talking to my junior on msn.

He had this piece of interesting news for me about NJ C. The concrete bunker.

In front of the school track and field, is the front of the school. Right at the rooftop is the NJ C crest which has a lion's side profile. Apparently, somebody pasted black tape over the lion's eye and made it look as though it was wearing sunglasses. This spectacle could be seen from the ground and even from the overhead bridge near the school. Of cos, the school took it down pronto. But for one defining moment in the history of the concrete bunker, one of its inhabitants had the guts to pull this gag.

And I missed it.

But you know, such acts of rebellion reminds me of the times, when we would slip ourselves through the bars of the gate at the rooftop. And gallivant and run about the long pipes and what-not that you found atop roofs. And how we had to hide when we tried to go back to the gate in case the teachers catch us frolicking in the forbidden area.

How I scrawled the words, "I'm a lesbian, so f---ing what?" on the walls at the rooftop. Becos I was hurt. And how I wanted to mark it down in permanence.


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In a weird way... I miss school.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

A waste of time.. as usual. But worth it again, for the books.. and information. The reasons I came anyway, even though I was sickly.

A whole multitude of people. For once, lol, the room is filled with 50% strangers. Instead of 10-20% strangers as would be the usual case. But it was bloody cramped. And my throat was sore. Nose was stuffy. And the boredom was killing.

Thank goodness the loveable gay men were there. Who always spew nice words from their lips, and the 'enlightened' few ladies who actually notice. Hey man, I know.. But sometimes, the rest of the world seems dead to that fact. =/ The anonymous faces milling around. A bar turned fairground splitting at the seems with GLBT. I prefered the balcony and the breather it offered.

Communication descended into interesting depths today. Becos it hurt to talk, I mostly wrote all I had to say on my handphone and showed it to people I talk to. People prolly thought we just sat or stood there in silence, but oh well, I like such communication. It is ... different.

There was also good news and bad news today. The youth group consultant was there. We made contact again. And things will soon start moving, hopefully. But as for N YF, its finished becos OC is pulling out. And I feel bad that I made ms li ng write that testimonial for me now that it won't be used. Oh well...

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It's so peculiar.. how the two jere mys have now become my emotional dumping ground. Or how I always always talk about a certain subject to men only. Gay or straight. The subject which I find is a little complicated to talk to girls about. Lesbian or straight. (for these reasons I wish forced circumstances made me close to timo again. I love that time we looked over the parapet on the esplanade roof and just.. talked) And the nice little hugs from dan iel given when I know the result. The game lost. I concede. And now that I know... I can perhaps. Stop bothering.

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Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life.

But I will tell you. Before you leave. Just for the kick of it and because...

...I can.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Today I pondered that 'fluffy'-white ball that sits atop its pedastal. My precious Mizuno.

Then I held it in my hand just to see what it feels like to fit inside my grasp again.. and lol, it almost feels like an orgasm.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Talking to self:

There is one verse in the Bible that just speaks right through to the (undeniably and naturally) egoistic me.

"...For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted" Luke 18:14


There is so much meaning encapsulated in these words. And so beautifully put! Sometimes, the things that Jesus says really makes your jaw drop. And more importantly, so so utterly..... true.

Do everything in his name and do it for the glory of God, and not the glory of yourself. For if you do things for the world, it is temporal. But if you do things for God, it will mean for eternity. This lady said this once to a group of us, and the words have stayed with me. Ever since.

Today in my doctor's office I read this lovely passage on a plaque:

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A man's life nears the end and his whole past flashes before him.

And each image of the flashbacks were accompanied by an image of two pairs of footprints in the sand by the beach. It was the metophorical image of God walking beside him in his life journey.

The ups and downs, pleasant and unhappy memories of the man's life flowed like a timeline. Then he noticed something. During the periods of trials and tribulations, there was only one pair of footprints in the sand. Disheartened, the man turned to God and asked, "Lord, did you not promise to to be with me always, to the very end of the age? Why did you dessert me in the hour of my greatest need (of you)?".

The Lord replied, "Son, it is during your darkest hour that I carried you on my back. And that is why there is only one pair of footprints in the sand..."

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A modern day parable I heard:

One morning, a chicken and a pig were taking a stroll about the farm.

They past by the window of the farmer's house and had the misfortune to see the breakfast spread laid out on the table inside. There were eggs and ham on the plate. Stopping in their tracks, they stood and stared and pondered solemnly for a moment.

After the longest time, the chicken finally said, "I am proud of the sacrifice I make for the farmer! In this way, I am useful!"

Then the pig replied, "For you chicken, it is only a sacrifice. But for me, it is a total commitment!".

And in the same way, to walk with God is a total commitment =)

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God bless everybody! =D

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Sometimes I wonder... what do I even bother?

It's so utterly stupid. Naivety and stupidity in excess again. Foolhardy. That's me. Breaking all the silly rules you know you shouldn't do. Doing it becos I just can't help it. (Could I?) Doing it anyway even though I know it attracts the wrong kind of ideas. Wrong perceptions/assumptions (but then again, they are true in a way). Doing it anyway with the full knowledge that this could get me further from my perceived goal. Or nearer. Or more likely further (And I'm suspecting it is the latter).

Doing all these stupid things for something that I know, in the end, if it succeeds, will only last... for a few months.

Why do I even bother? To walk to that banner and check it out, scope things out, things I'm not THAT into.. To ask ying if I could have what she is holding in her hand. To bother to keep it, store it, for one future time, where I may screw up spectacularly. And see the image that scares??

You know dear jere my, you're right. It's alright. I shouldn't care, or be scared either. Because well.... I have nothing to lose. When you haven't ever gotten anything. What shred of dignity do you have left? Lol.

Let the fool rush in again.