Thursday, April 27, 2006

Yesterday was interesting.

(Note drastic decrease and variation in vocabulary. I am becoming robotic from work. Which I skipped today becos I suddenly decided to exercise that choice. Plus my neck and head hurts.)

It was R os' birthday celebration!! After work, we all met up at Marina Square to have dinner and hang out. It was good to see the sc people again. Especially the ones I'm closer to and whom when I talk to, don't feel like I'm trying to 'make conversation'. Just that, I'm really talking, really rambling on about things I feel like saying. Rather than things I feel obliged to say. That was also the reason why I didn't turn up for the gathering of s c people recently held. On top of the need to come home early to placate my sis (now that both parents are overseas, I am lord of the house), I just didn't miss the company of the people there who were going. We are kind of... on different wavelengths. Even back in sc. And judging from my emotions and state of being the other time such a similar gathering occured, I thought I should've gone home instead.

But anyway,

R os was such a frog!! She lives under the well haha! There was so much gossip which she was completely out of touch of...And which kind of makes me glad that I have yin g to be my rumour mill =P Everyone else was the way they were in sc. Loveable in their own style and way. And wow, we actually had a discussion about homosexuality. Interesting (oh gosh, here I go again. That word!). I explained more about the youth group. And even as we spoke I realised that for alot of straight people, (who don't really know gay people), their ignorance on the subject is immense!!! (note: I'm not dissing people now, just that the lack of knowlegde was appalling). Maybe being surrounded by emphatic gay people for so long has kind of made me forget that the unknowing and clueless straight world out there still exists. HUGE misconceptions/assumptions still exist.

There was actually alot of good debate. In the area of gay rights/marriages, right and wrong (bible stuff), how do lesbians have sex (lol). And I hope at the end of the day, everyone went home knowing just a little more about homosexuality. So that when they meet another gay person, a certain level of understanding is already in place.

It also drove in a sobering point. On the sayoni forums, people are so... idealistic at times. We have such perfect ideas/dreams of achieving certain goals,(who cares about conservative majority) that sometimes, I wonder how plausible it is when even my straight friends have alot of difficulty understanding me, one of the normal-looking queers. To them, to embrace people of different sexual orientations is like a quantam leap already. A massive break through.

And I also realised that real acceptance and embracing of different people from different cultures/orientations etc.. are still kind of .. light years away. I just can't see it happening in the next few years. Maybe 10 years ... Perhaps. Old mindsets die hard. Even within the GLBT community itself, certain prejudices still exists. If I'm considered slightly closed minded already being in the GLBT community, what more the straights who have never come into contact with gay people?? There are times when I can be idealistic too, but when I get reminded of the real world. It's a sobering thing.

Ah well. Heck it. My brain is tired I'm imploding. I do not wish to think of such prickly issues.

------------

I just wanna play softball.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Today was a wonderful day. My counseller friend (and youth group consultant) called me and told me a piece of good news.

The video interview that me and jere my did on the perspective and experiences of GLBT teens had finally been watched by the group of counsellors that she had been coaching. Now mind you, this group consists of extremely homophobic church counsellors from Family Life Society and Family Life Center etc. They once made disparaging remarks and even had the nerve to suggest reparative therapy programmes by Choices and Liberty League as the 'solution' to the problems of gay teens. However, I'd like to stress that the group of counsellors were actually very diverse, besides the homophobes, that were straight people who were very quick at defending gay people, and who were more... open-minded and emphatising of GLBT.

Today, this counsellor friend of mine, told me that after the church counsellors watched the video. This was what a few of them said, that they can no longer handle such cases of homosexual teens. Cos they can't reconcile their religious beliefs with what they have just seen in the video. That GLB teens can be and are well-adjusted, confident, and self-assured people. They couldn't reconcile the opposing pictures of completely normal gay teens.. with what they are taught in church. From homophobic counsellors, they are now neutrals on the subject. And they said they would never again handle homosexuality cases. And I think the reason for this is becos they don't have the answer to the problem. And they know it. There are too many issues involved, too many assumptions by society, too many conflicting pictures in their heads (what the Bible 'seems' to tell them and what their eyes see and what their ears hear.. are different). And they know that they are not in a position to make the right judgment, for they may not be right in the end. Hence, the best thing to do is not to interfere, and possibly make things worse.

I was really glad when I heard this. Cos if I can just change ONE peron's point of view by speaking out. If I can make ONE small difference, that is all that matters already... For it's a ripple effect, when someone has seen and met and known a homosexual for the people that they are, then that is one more gay-friendly person in this world. And their attitude would leave an effect on others, and hopefully, slowly, change the way that society thinks.

In june, there is the more important forum for the counsellors and teachers. This time it's live. I'm a bit scared cos of my stage fright problems. But if I can change just ONE person's opinion in that room soon to come.... then all is worth it.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/139883238.html

The past few days have seen me on an SC GS high.. I've been watching the Hollaback Crew video over and over again. SC won in the under-17 category, netting a cool S$10,000. Part of which would obviously go to our beloved school =) So now we wouldn't be so broke after building the sport complex and new buildings etc.

My GOSHHHH!!!! I MISS S C SO BAD!!!! So bad it just aches in my heart. We really rock man. There are no performers like us. WE are in a league of our own man. And S C dancers!!! Absolutely, flawlessly, classy.

And hot. My gosh, the girls are so hot, as expected. *drool*. Somehow I always thought that other dancers from other schools always gave off the wannabe-ah-lian-so-i-think-i-can-dance vibes. Very cheesy and cliched. Show off-y. Yet. When it comes to S C G S dancers, we come out looking.. sophisticated. And uber-cool. I still remember my most memorable S C dance performance, it was titled 'Jumping East of Java'. And the dance was about coffee (they even poured coffee from a coffee pot into a teacup on a saucer in the routine!!). Awesome shit. Seriously whacked. And their dance routine in Hollaback Crew was even more out of this world. I tell you man, some of these girls can actually do abit of break dance. And not the machismo kind of moves, it's the extremely slick kind of breaking moves. How bloody cool is that?

The costumes!!! Damn hot.

And the rap..

Oh gosh, they LITERALLY brought the house down. Actually, it was the screaming like mad puppies S C supporters. They were crazy! That high-pitched, glass-shattering S C scream is still ringing in my head, bringing back the flood of memories... Times in the amphitheatre, on Teacher's Day or whatever occasion, screaming our silly adolescent heads off. Like we didn't have a care in the world for the future state of our larynx. Like the female versions of Aerosmith. But then, the rap is super utterly cool! And the drum rhythm was super nice! Even my sis (percussion section leader of year 2005), who was the inspiration for the drum accompanyment, said that they modified her drum routine into something that even she herself found complex.

I've been straining my ears for days on end, dragging my sister in to help me, trying to suss out the actual lyrics.. I managed to get a bit of it:

Hey people are you ready?
Sc's gonna drive u crazy
Sc's got the power, yea sc's got the power
Hey ppl are u ready,
Sc's gonna rock your body
Yea sc's got the power, say sc's got the power
Now we've got the power

Yellow and green we stand out.
Ooh ooh we stand out (X3)
S-C SCGS!!

--------

There's alot more but I couldn't get the rest. And it really sounds much better with their tune and drums. Shit. Now I really really regret not turning up for Hollaback Crew even though I had that chance! Should have just skipped the damn sayon i outing *bleah*. The last part of the cheer really gets to me.. When I hear it, I can almost cry. Really

S C G S we are the one! S C G S we're the hot ones! S C G S we are the one!

S C G S WE'RE THE HOT ONES!!!

------

How true as well. There are no girls like S C girls =)

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Reading through my very early posts at the start makes me wanna puke some times. It's stupid the things you write when your eyes are hazy and glossed over with love. Stupid, useless emotion.

Eugh..

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Oh well. Since everyone's doing this. Here goes...

My ex is non-existent.

Maybe I should quit my job now and get my act together.

I love to ****.

I don't understand why this medical problem has to happen to me. It's not fair...

I lose interest when people don't match up.

People say that I should keep my voice down and stop shouting.

Love is hurt. Easier without.

Somewhere, someone is going through the things I've gone through. And that's the reason for the youth group.

I will always live in delusion of myself.

Forever is a concept I link only to God.

I never want to start work after university.

I think the current US president is a homophobe loooo- SER.

When I wake up in the morning, that means it's time to stop fantasizing and get back to reality.

My past was boring with a sudden dramatic increase in drama. Like a heart attack.

I get annoyed at people who slow me down in life.

Parties are for gay people who have no kids and have nothing else to do but hold house parties to chill. I like.

My dog is dead and I don't remember him.

My cat is currently belonging to another person who might in the future find her feline missing from her home. Cos I stole it.

Kisses are the best when the other's breath does not smell like hot garbage.

Tomorrow I will get my act together. That's what I say every yesterday.

I really want a great pair of jeans.

I have low tolerance for b*tches.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

There was the sayo ni gathering last night. On saturday. We went to this indian buffet for dinner. Not bad, nice place. Nice decor.

I'm actually quite tired of this.

So many people turned up. 23 in all. Alot of them I knew before in previous gatherings. Sitting around. Inane chit-chat. Small .. abit useless talk. I was tired. Of being a PR. I loved it at the start. But now, things are turning stale.. old. I've done this so many times, to so many people, and sometimes I just want to shut my big mouth up. Or at least engage in some other activity other than talking.

Later we went to Gee -sp ot. At the lounge area which was completely dominated by us and was lovely. People broke up into little groups. As expected. Having our own little 'circle chats'. I was drawn to the cards-playing group. That was when I really started having 'fun'. Cos now we were doing something in which I was laughing, and playing, and not trying to figure out someone's bio data, life story. I'm bored of it. I don't know, but I'm someone who needs and craves action. Activity. That's why I like sports. Becos you have to move. And talk is more natural I feel, when its a side dish, and not the main course whereby expectations are high. Talk as a side dish is better when it comes to acquaintences. Don't get me wrong. I absolutely love meeting new people. But sometimes, when you engage in too much of a good thing, you get tired of it. It has happened to softball before...

Then people moved on to Al ternative later. I hated it. Too cramped. Too dark. Too noisy. Later, me and ama jor walked around outside.. for the fun of it. I wanted to go M ox instead, but it was too far. And it seemed like no one else could/would go. I stopped going to Wo men's Ni te cos I kind of.. got tired of it. It gets tired when you see the same people all the time. And the cliques. Sometimes I'm guilty of that as well. Being clique-ish. I gravitate to those I know better. It's easier. Safer. Less tiring.

Oh well. I have mixed thoughts on this gathering.

-----------------

Easter Sunday today! Happy Easter people =)

Today was a melancholic day. There was church which both uplifted and sobered me for awhile. Service was special. Different. It was very anglican this time. I sat at the back at first. In darkness like everyone else. Candles lit. Then later, I left for awhile with the thought in my head.. 'not to be stupid'. Hey jere my, you don't know this you know, but .. that sms you sent me. I don't know. It hit the nail. It really did. And I didn't even tell you about it. I never tell anybody. I don't even tell it to myself. But you said it all in that message..and it was exactly what I needed to hear... cos I've been such a fool. How could you know? Actually, you didn't. But the words fit perfectly. And for that moment, I just stood there staring at the message, and yes, you are right. Even though you probably didn't mean what I thought in my head.

------------------

It's alright.

I remember you. Cos you were an anomaly in a sea of uneventfulness.

It was surreal. Like .. haha el sa, that can't be true. You gotta be kidding me. You must be blind...

Why? I didn't really understand. Since all this while, you were the exception to the rule. And probably the only exception I've ever came across. I remember you in N J. That one brief spell in school. The funny, out-of-place things that happened. The weird, somehow contrived one-sided conversations (I was quiet. Cautious. Not knowing exactly what to expect or how to react). I didn't mean to come across as what you might have perceived. This was all new and foreign to me. How would I know the 'protocol'? It's funny you know, when this time, our roles are reversed. I, no more the seeker. I guess the first always gets it worse. Yea, I never knew how to be nice about it. Or to be friendly. It's something I see happen to other people. All the time. To see it happen to yourself is kind of unthinkable. Like... heheh... you must be crazy.

What exactly do you see?

But it seems like there was alot to see. Like how the Da Vinci painted the Mona Lisa such that no matter how you look at it, the painting always seems to be staring back at you. And when you hold your gaze, trying to break that spell.. it doesn't go away. The stare looks straight back at you. Then you turn away cos you couldn't hold it long enough. Too much intensity. No shame in it. Everytime I made my grand entrance into the lecture theatre, or before assembly at the steps. Mona Lisa is there. Maybe that's why I kind of figured you out. Becos I was so good at hiding. But you weren't. And the master thief always sees the mistakes in the puny pickpocket. How certain 'key words' always pop up in the things you say. Things that might have to do with me. Thought by you. And I still think you were crazy for all that.

Indifference backsfire. Something once sweet turns sour. I had pity on you, cos I was such a bitch. But I didn't know how else to act. How the heck would I know??? I tried being nice. I don't know. It didn't really worked. But at least you saw the real me. And that kind of brought us down to reality. It faded. Naturally. Quickly. As ridiculously as it had started.

Everything goes back to normalcy. It's the Rule once again. Exception has moved on. And things stayed the same then on... As expected. Although. Still. I found that month weird. Interesting. I've played your role many times over. Maybe we both have been old timers at it. I know.. what that feels. To be the Mona Lisa. Forever stoic. (Haha like real...). And that's why I still remember you.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

My life is crazy. Crazy crazy crazy.

Everyday, I'm being overwhelmed. And this is suppose to be my major break. Well, heheh, I guess not!!!

Gay activism is going over the top. Next week (hopefully), the youth group will finally kick into final gear to start. We have our plan, mission statement. All it needs now is a group name (which for some reason is soo hard to come up with. It is super simple.. yet ironically super important. Becos it's the first, the precedent. It must have a good name.). Once the counsellor vetes it, then it's time to focus on the participants. So far, it's only verbal confirmation we have. Nothing's finalised yet. Worse come to worse, I would prolly have to advertise on sayoni and then conduct interviews (to weed out 'moles'). But to put things simply, it has to start soon soon soon. University is coming. I really don't want it to clash too much.

That's not the end.

I've verbally agreed to attend this or that seminar/forum to be part of the panel (of gay youth). There's been a few and it's gotten so confusing cos everything is tentative and months away. I don't know how I'm going to be able to handle it either cos... I have to do public speaking!!! In front of like.. what? 80 plus teachers and counsellors? The stage always scares me. But then again, this is my sexuality. Many times it (being different) has empowered me. Would it fail me now? What's so difficult about talking about yourself? I've always thought it'd be so easy. I can do it so easily at times. But in a public arena, in front of alot of people, I've never really pictured that scenario. Here is my chance to make that difference on a large scale. Sayoni was the beginning. The youth group is the holy grail to reach and achieve. And now, there is a platform for me to speak.

God give me strength.

Today marked another start. Me and jer emy. We did a video interview for yo ges, our counsellor who is helping with the youth group. This video was meant to be used as a teaching tool for counsellors and social workers on how to deal with sexuality issues. By showing the perspectives of gay teens, their feelings, their journeys, it will give these helpers an insight into how their charges might feel. I hope we gave a balanced portrayal of things. Although there were some issues in the video which I felt was not discussed thoroughly enough (and hence might cause ambiguities), I hope the main message gets across. Actually, we were suppose to meet up face to face with the actual group of social workers that were attending the workshops. However, some of them were extremely homophobic and yo ges thought it wouldn't be a safe space for us youths (cos we'll get attacked). I wasn't afraid of that actually. In fact, I wanted to meet these homophobes and try to reason with them. But .. oh well. Maybe the video will do.

Also, the both of us have signed up for the Na tional Yo uth Fo rum in july, on the urging of one of the gay activists. He said it'll be a great opportunity for us to network. Actually, the application fee to enter is S$120. But we don't have to pay. Instead, they'll be trying to raise funds for us by getting sponsors. Although this N y F thing is going to be a major commitment, I'm really thankful for this opportunity cos it's a chance to really develop yourself in respect of character growth, confidence and networking etc.

Oh, and did i mention that if... if I get into s m u... one of the reasons I want to go there is becos I know that I have a real chance of setting up a GSA (gay-straight alliance) there. N us and nt u would never allow that. But s mu might, cos the school has tried before but ran into legal issues.

--------------

Besides this, there is another thing that occupies my mind. Financial independence. I've came to the conclusion that if you're gay, you have to entertain the possibility that you might NOT have a life partner. That you might NOT marry or have kids. Hence, you might actually grow old alone (without a lover or descendants). Therefore, I must learn to be financially independent (i.e. rich) when that time comes. But... let me just state here first that straight people should also have the mentality that I have now. That in old age, you must have the ability to depend on yourself only. Do NOT, for a moment, be complacent. Or assume that you will have a husband or kids who will support you. Your husband might divorce you. Your kids may refuse to support you or put you in an old folk's home. You might not even find the right man to marry. You do not do not.. want to be poor and survive on government pensions.

I am learning to be independent now. I have to. I need to. It's never too early to start. For the past few weeks I've been reading books, watching CDs and following mommy around to banks, learning about home loans and fuzzy financial stuff. Other than that, I've attended some business seminars and plan to go for more. They cost money. But to me, a few bucks for a lifetime of financial independence is a small price to pay. There is a finance and investment seminar next month which cost quite alot...and right now, I'm still debating if I should go. There is also a financially stable (seems to be quite rich) lesbian in my new all-girl cell group now and I intend to learn abit more from her. There are actually many rich gay men in church, I wish I could learn from them all... how they made it.

--------------

I really hope everything works out. There are so many doors being opened to me right now. Time to seize the day.

--------------

My writing on this blog is going to waste. Right now, I'm not even writing... I'm just updating. Cos I'm just way too busy writing essays for sayoni and the upcoming forum.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDkYimrtThc


HAHAHAHA!!! Lurve it baby.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

I still recall the taste of your tears.
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.
Scraping through my head 'till I don't wanna sleep anymore.

- Nine Inch Nails "Something I can never have"

-------------------------

Today...Heheh.. sigh..N J vs H C J C. We were playing an away game.

I saw this most breathtaking H C softballer. I've been noticing her a few times already (over a period of 2+years) but today, somehow, she just completely held my attention. It was simply... a case of overwhelming (imho) beauty. Then I started having visions in my head. Possibilities. Day dreams.

I hate it.

Absolutely.

Don't you just hate that feeling that you get when you want something but you know you can't have it? Like when you were a child, and some other kid had a bigger toy than you or got the prize at the school quiz which you didn't win (but tried very hard to)? Don't you absolutely hate it when you see something for that fleeting moment, knowing that very soon.. it shall dissapear. Yet you hold on to that image and cling to it. For dear life. And when it passes (she leaves..) you are only left with a memory which becomes a shadow as time passes.. before. Finally. It fades. She fades away. And that awesome moment when you could see her in real time in real life.. is now a thing of the past. And then you let go. You have to let go. Its the only thing you can do. The harder you try to recall what she looks like, the more it blurs...Exactly like a dream. Then again, she is a dream. Unattainable.

This is not so bad.

There's worse!

Don't you hate it when you have to face that person regularly? Maybe, say, in school? At work? At regular social events or what have you? Becos of circumstances, that person remains forever clear in your head. Forever... present. Moreover, such people have a personality... that gives colour and depth to the physical manifestation that you see. Pretty people... made prettier. Normal people... made sublime. Friends... made crushes... made... to heartaches. This is even harder to let go. Cos unlike the dream. This is real. She is real. And close. And at the same time. Far. You could reach out to touch that person but when you try, all you grasp is thin air. It's a mirage when you try to think things further. Impossible. As usual. As normal. As you've always known it to be in your life.

Hopeless.

-------

Woe be to me. The control freak. I cannot stand it when a girl controls where my eyes look and where my head turns to. Worse. I can't stand it when I can't keep emotions in check. When life does not feel like it belongs to you. When happiness is governed by someone else not you. Sucks.

Oh well. Let's chuck this issue down the rubbish chute. Shut out the stoopid feelings. Which amount to nothing. I am whingeing now. I need to stop. I need to TUNE OUT SHIT.

(although its nice and comfy to think about your dreams. They are just that...dreams. Stop wasting time, Ning)


----------

This ends. Now.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

I miss lumut.

I miss lumut so so bad.

That place holds.. so many wonderful and weird memories for me. Wonderful becos there were many firsts and it really pushed me beyond my limits. Weird becos... how is it like to live 24/7 with 10 people you don't really know for 10 straight days? Day in day out. All our bad habits and idiosyncracies get exposed and are inadvertently revealed. Little secrets come out at night when people are stoned by weariness and complete fatigue... when the light sea breeze tricks you into believing that 'everything will be alright'...when you laugh so hard that when you reminisce (as what I'm doing now) that there were few occasions in N J year 2 whereby you laughed that hard. (except maybe when I was with Levi's but that's another environment altogether)

I miss the crazy kayaking. How the pain in your arms subside and this numbness sets in.. as you kayak for hour after hour. Nine hours was the record. How people vommiting left and right of you doesn't disgust you. Just make sure you don't swirl their morning's breakfast with your paddle (thank goodness I sit in front and not the back). And at the end of it all, me and boat partner just gave it our all for the last stretch. The dorms were in view.... land.. was finally in view, and we know that once we reach there, we'd never have to sit in a kayak for a very very long time. So we went into 'bloodlust' mode, pounding through the crests and troughs... forget about teamwork, forget about waiting for everyone, forget about being the sea captains (and thus must learn to set good example). Forget it I want to get back to my bed, my toilet... and my toothbrush (I have not brushed in 3 days). Becos I pushed myself too much, I ended up with fever and chest infection the next day. Took a ton of panadols, and was made to stay in bed and rest while the rest go hiking =(

Land expedition was worst. The WORST physical test I had to go through. But it was worth the effort. If you gave me another chance right now to go back to the mountain. I would.. in a heartbeat. Cooking the food in our tiffin cans. Sleeping in our snug tents in fantastic natural air-con. Hearing the guys talk cock at night on such ridiculous stuff you wanna laugh out loud in your pseudo slumber. Quarreling with dav.. and learning so much in the process. Coming out to di a na, after only knowing her for less than a week (because I can and I couldn't care less to guard against homophobic reactions). Learning about myself. And all these while in the land of hobbits and elves. The landscape was so.. lord of the rings.. The (malaysian) Shire.

On the way back to Singapore.. in our bus... playing cards and cracking the most neurotic and nonsensical jokes that only people cooped up together for days on end.. can come up with. On the beach, how I was so desperate to get clean and out of my sea-water soaked clothes.. that for ten glorious seconds I was nude on the beach, behind a friend, and trying desperately to change into dry clothes before the annoying people with the torchlights come and shine my way. (And they did - when I was still starkers)

How I came back home in the BEST physical shape of my life. And in the process, discovering the secret to true and lightning fast weight loss.

Go for Outward Bound.

------------

I am too tired to write coherently and phrase myself in a neater style. (Even this explaination sucks). I will sleep now... and perhaps edit this tommorow.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

I read this letter from a woman to a catholic priest in Britain... and it's something that I just wanted to post here:

-----------------

Hi Father, Hoping that the warmth of advent is keeping the English winter at bay. If you do have a few minutes to help out, I'm wondering if you have a few notes you could help me jot down for friends of mine.

2 ladies, one of them Catholic and obviously in love; have been living together for a while now, but still face the constant guilt, shame and self resentment that often comes with being brought up in a conservative catholic environment. The ladies in question can't seem to come to grips with the "laws" of the church and while wanting to remain devout, have to constantly face the agony of being gay.

We did discuss this briefly I recall... and I did reiterate that loving another individual cannot possibly be a sin in the eyes of God let alone the church, but surely there must be more that can be said.... time to break out "summa theologia"?

Thanks and Regards
xxxx

Dear Friends of xxxx, I have been wondering how to answer xxxx's letter. It would be so much easier to have you both sitting down with me so I could take you gently through this - but you are both a long way away, so I must do the best I can in this letter.

So much of the Church's teaching is taken up by sexual "do"s and "don't"s, that it is rather surprising to find that Jesus said very little about sexuality - but what he did say is very important, because we are Christians and he is the Master and whatever we do has to harmonise with his teaching. The Church - that is all of us - is there not to lay down Christ's teaching but to try to discover what Jesus is asking of us. So, first of all hold on to this: Jesus is our Lord and we must be faithful to him.

The only teaching that Jesus gave about sexuality was, "No divorce". He was saying that we must be true to one another. If you remember, when Peter asked him how many times he must forgive his brother, "as much as seven times?" Jesus answered, "seventy seven times seven times". In other words, you must be true to your brother and there is no occasion when you can just turn your back on him. This teaching about being true to each other runs right through all the Lord's teachings -including that on sexuality. He is saying that when we come into loving someone, in that intimate way of sexuality, you must be true to the person you are making love to. Apart from this, he said nothing more. So the second thing I would ask you: Are you true to each other? If so, then the Lord's teaching is to be found in your hearts and you need not be afraid.

But, you will say, the Church says that what we are doing is sinful. Yes it does. But you must remember that the Church is on a journey -trying to put the Lord's teachings into practice in the situation it comes up against. When our Church discovers something to be good, it holds it up and it becomes a part of its treasury of teaching. In this way it discovered that marriage was good and it holds on to this and teaches it. However, there are many things that it has not yet discovered - it is still on the journey. One of those things, I believe, is that there are some men who can only love men and some women who can only love women. If that is true, then the Lord's teaching would apply equally to them: be true to one another!

How does the Church grow in its understanding? It grows when people dare to try new paths - drawn by the feeling in their hearts as to what is right. Remember: when the Lord wants us to do something, he first touches our hearts, not our heads. Did you first decide that you wanted to love and then did it? Or did you discover that there was love in your heart and then followed it? If you have love in your heart then where did it come from? We Christians say that we believe in One God - that there is only One God and that that God is Love. If, then, you have love in your heart for each other, it must have come from God because there is no other God.

You are walking in a path as yet unknown to a lot of your family -the Church. We need you as prophets to show us that true love can blossom between two women who love each other. For when the Church sees love in people, it can proclaim that love comes from God - but it has to first see it and we can only see it in you.

If you both put your trust in the Lord; if you tell him that you are walking this unknown path - and are a little afraid - and you want to find him through the sexuality he has given you; if you ask for his guidance and love - then he will not fail you.

Julian of Norwich says:
Most of us believe God can do anything
Most of us believe that God knows how to do everything
But only few of us believe that he loves us enough to do it!!

He does love you, dear Friends of xxxx, he does love and will not fail you. There is an old, old saying in the Church "Ubi caritas etamor Deus ibi est". It means, "where there is love and faithfulness there is God". Be at peace, he is with you - and do not be afraid to go to communion. Hold on to only one thing: "Be true to each other!"

God bless,

-----------

God is love. And all love came from God. People always mistake homosexuality as just pure lust. But they just don't know otherwise.

Love is LOVE! And there is nothing more powerful than it cos that is what God represents and all that God stands for! LOVE! Gay people face all the struggles from family from society from the government and why do we continue to be who we are despite the odds???

It's all becos of love. Love that came from Him and no other. I take my place in this fight in the name of love.