Thursday, March 30, 2006

Gosh.. I had one of the most satisfying MSN conversations ever. Tonight. Alot of 'blood-letting' went on. But then.. I'm so glad there are people like Xav and sh u-yi =P... who share my grievances... hehe

It's little things like this that help me get by... I am not alone.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Life's been crazy. Good and bad....
Different. Too many things are going on all of a sudden. And I'm in a whirlwind of changes here. Introductions. New discoveries... Things that I like.. things that I don't.

-------------------

I just...


I want to hang around my gay men. They help me forget...

I want to talk non-stop to Xav. About our tastes and dislikes. And all the things I cannot say to lesbian women or gay men becos... they are. But Xav is out of this circle, and therefore I can say...

I want to hold to ny's hand, touch his bald head, and we discuss gender. He calls me femmtch and I call him Slitch...

I want jer emy to give me his bear-hug and his kiss, and in a way, comfort and bring away the things he doesn't know exist in me...

I want to talk to eu gene, and our thoughtful discussions on the most un-gay things...of gyms, of favourite animals, of tours and of zoos...

I want to talk to jeff ery, in my dreamy and alcohol-changed voice (after only three sips of Baron beer?), about the little things that we love to 'trade', in a taxi on the way home at 1am at night...

I want to talk to mark, and our silly little exchanges, about 'bu tch-phobia' and naughty glances. I still haven't told him how cute his boyfriend looks...

--------------

I want to talk to wai l ing, and our 'open-book' story of our lives. About nose bleeds, blood puking and (recently) menstruation inducing.. and how, she's gonna teach me a thing or two...

I want to have those intellectual discussions with imm oralfear, about art and literature and gender and queer-logy, and all the lovely neurotic bits in between. I have finally found mel's equal in a conversationist...

I want to chill with yin g. Who, with each passing day feels more and more like my twin cos we talk the same, think almost the same and I can bascially stone with her without the need to chat...

-------------

I want to have all those s c gatherings again. With all the ones I hold dear to me. All those who after 6-7 years of knowing each other... still feel like the same person as yesterday. (And isn't that how the ideal should be?)

I want to see the N J people. And my class people. Becos I never ever get to see them and there are some people I really really miss there. Becos they are just so damn fun to talk to. Last time....

------------

I want to see and talk to some who make me happy and stay far away from some who....




If there is one thing I detest and dread most in this world.. it is the one thing that makes us humans special. And I'm so utterly sick of it. I've never known it. Really. Only the lousy side. I don't need a re-education on how lousy it can be, thank you very much. I hate such deja-vus. I don't like what I feel.

I want to cut out this baggage and stop the plague before it spreads to the rest of me and haunt me. Like it did last time. And I shattered. But that was all. It is only me in the end. Only me. Affected. The rest of the world floats by, unknowing, safe and ignorant. But that is how it should be. Fighting the inner battle to drive it out.

Get lost. Get out.

Of my life.

Cos I have enough trouble as it is. I don't need another.... umpteenth time.

I am sick of it.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

I don't like it when you see my vulnerability. Maybe that's why I'm quiet?

I'm not used to telling you things. Cos I never did. How d'you expect me to start now?

Why. Maybe it's my personality type. ENTJ. I have an inability to express distress in a compromising situation. I keep everything to myself, sometimes even to friends I'm (almost) completely open to. Why? When I'm down, or uncertain, or confused, I try to handle it myself. And worse still, I forgot to pray to God sometimes. Even though He's the only one really safe to tell anything to. Sometimes I get scared. I'm scared that I can't handle what I think would be a cinch for me. Sometimes, I underestimate things and overestimate myself. Somedays, I just... can't be bothered. And maybe... then... I pay a price for that.

I wish I could learn to tell you more. I wish l could


Drop my guard.

How?

Monday, March 20, 2006

This Sunday was a day of softball for me =) It was also a strange day whereby my gay worldd and straight world collided so acutely in front of my eyes...

------

Me and ying were walking towards one end of the Padang to throw ball. At the other end, N J was playing a match against V J. From where we were standing, we could see the bleachers on the N J camp and the tiny people sitting on them. Then it occured to us that nobody in the N J team (from players to supporters to coaches and teachers) knew that the whole row of people sitting behind them on the top runk of the bleachers... were all gay or lesbian. All my church people... who came down to check out my 'passion'.

Haha! For some reason, we couldn't stop laughing about it. I still grin in amusement when I think about it.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

I MET po pagan dhi!!!!

Oh man. I was completely star-struck. I think if I looked back now, and if I had a camera... I would've asked for a photo together.

But oh well, at least I spoke to her haha. Unlike some people who just 'saw the golden star'. Hahaha

X)

Monday, March 13, 2006

I do it for you.


(to be published in say oni and i'm posting it here cos i'm scared i'll accidentally delete it)

There we sat, side by side on the stone bench, watching the 'A' division softball matches as the sun went down. The breeze was blowing and it wasn't too hot. And there we were, me and my softball teacher-in-charge, talking about the things that mattered, that was closest to our hearts the most and was our common passion. Softball.

This teacher to me was special. Our relationship was so different from the other teachers that I have in JC. Other teachers were more distant and more of an authorative figure (or a dispenser of education and whom I saw as nothing but a vessel of knowledge from which I could harvest). They were never human to me. In the sense that I couldn't feel like a person of equal worth in their presence. JC teachers weren't like university professors whereby students are generally closer to them and are on first-name basis.

We were also quite similar in person, both being ex-captains. Plus, we had to work together to manage the team and thus I felt close to her. Compared to other teachers in JC, I sincerely respected this teacher a lot.

For me personally, I will only come out to those people who are unlikely to accept my homosexuality...if and only if they mattered to me and were important in my life. To me, an act of coming out can be an act of love, because it shows that I cared enough to want to share this secretive part of my life with you. This deeply personal story that could have been conveniently kept under wraps. But no, I do not wish to lie to the people I love. I want them to know me in my entirety. Homosexuality included.

I once thought to myself, that if I actually made the crazy insane and socially suicidal act of coming out to a teacher. There would only be one person. One person that was worth the risk. I trust that the person had seen more of me than any other teacher and knew me for the 'lublub' I was, and we had gone beyond the boundaries of most student-teacher interaction in JC. But I never really dared to tell her. For I feared the possible repercussions that might occur.

Teachers who have found out about a student's homosexuality have given them alot of trouble and harrasement before. Ignorant teachers might 'guide' students to reparative therapy programmes such as Choices. Homophobic teachers could be even worse. And generally, unless the teacher was GLBT him or herself, it would be very hard to discern how gay-friendly that particular teacher might be. Especially so, since homosexuality is such a taboo topic and was not discussed at all in school.

But as I sat next to her that day, with the full knowledge that I had already left school and this was one of my last meetings with her... it dawned upon me how much I really wanted her to know. Becos she means something to me. She had made a difference in my life and showed me for the first time ever that teachers can be your friends and your equal too. This thought crossed my mind. And I wondered about the many times that I had the chance to tell her but always held back because I was afraid. Then I realised that this was the perfect moment to do it. And it was probably my last shot at telling her the truth too...

"Can I ask you a question? I really hope you'll be honest to me about it."

She turned to face me. I had her full attention now.

"What do you think of homosexuality?"

"What? Come again?"

"What do you think of homosexuality?"

"You mean? Like... liking girls like that is it?"

"Yeah something like that. And also, you know, like how guys can like guys..."

There was this long stony silence. It felt long to me but in real world terms it was only a fraction of a second. But her momentary hesitation to think made me doubt my faith again. My faith and trust in her that she knew me too well to reject me now. And for the moment whereby the world and everything else seemed to be held in suspension, I started to break down slowly inside. Even though I had set myself up for disappointment. Even though I had already grown stronger from many episodes of coming out. Even though all these things... rejection from someone you love still hurts. It always does... no matter what they say about how stoic you can become from many rejections. Especially from someone that you want so much to accept you. . I wanted my softball teacher, the person I admired in team sport and saw as my equivalent, to accept this part of me.

"You know, I don't condemn what you do. But I don't agree with it either." She finally spoke, and slowly, we started discussing the issue. She knew right from the start where this conversation was heading...

To me.

"I really hope you would find a man one day. You could change [in your preference] you know?"

"Yes true. And would you say that is also a possibility that I might stay this way?"

"Yes. That is true."

And she said many other things that straight 'hopeful' people have said to me before. But the wonderful thing was that she didn't press the issue of change and left it as that. We did not talk about right and wrong. Or morality. We talked about me. And also her experience last time. How she nearly got involved with a girl but decided against it. All these happened in little snippets of conversation... interspersed with watching the ongoing softball match quietly. We talked. Slowly. Without really looking at each other. Then as we stood up to leave and go to her car, I faced her directly and felt the air change between us. Yes, a new piece of information has entered the picture. A new level of understanding that has gone past the student-teacher interaction. But it was a good change.

Later in the car, she told me that she had already suspected for a long time. I asked her why... and she said that because of my strong character, she didn't think a guy could 'stand' me. I could be very opiniated and and some guys didn't like to be challenged like that. They couldn't stand strong women. And in a lot of ways, that was how she was too and that was why she suspected the same of me. I asked her again, why she never questioned me about it... and she told me that she was afraid of the answer that she would hear...

We talked more and during our whole conversation, never once did she make me feel condemned or unwelcome. She did not reject me. And I was right in trusting her that way. Before we parted I thanked her for reacting so calmly to my revelation. She looked at me, slightly amused and surprised, as though there was never the possibility that she would react in hostility to me.

Coming out to parents is tough. But in many ways, it is a necessity in order to live your life easier. But coming out to teachers was a conscious choice I made on my own. It wasn't necessary at all. I lose nothing from hiding from her. But after today, as we parted ways and I was left to my own thoughts...there was this new feeling of peace and somehow, vulnerability... because one more person knows. But more importantly, by coming out to my teacher, and in many ways, my confidante in sports, I have just brought our relationship to a new level. And made it all the richer.

This particular coming out was unlike the others. This time it was really special for it was one of my 'firsts'. And I would do it again in a heartbeat... to the next teacher I find worthy enough to take that risk.

Monday, March 06, 2006

I have not blogged for a long time. But today I feel compelled to blog cos a many wonderful things have happened to me. Well, actually, many wonderful experiences have happened for a while but the past few days have been an intense whirlwind of new life experiences for me.

Yesterday, which was Sunday, was actually International Women's Day. So in church we had a special little event to commerate IWD. Most of the women in church were roped in to help out with service. We all played a central role this time around. It was women who led the worship, prayer and sermon. In FCC, this is not a common thing becos most of our members are men. Therefore, statistically, there are usually more men leading in worship. And since I was one of the women, the task of leading in communion fell upon me. The truth is, I was abit scared becos I dread public speaking. Plus of all the times that the church could have asked me to do communion, they asked me on a special event day whereby for sure MORE people will turn up! That made me even more nervous. I even went to do communion dry run and practice on the saturday before church.

When I finally had to do the real thing, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I didn't screw up or anything. But I did felt a little nervous while saying the liturgy. Then halfway through, it dawned upon me that I should not fear anything, or be scared at all, cos right now I was serving God and there was nothing to be afraid of in that. Immediately my hands stopped shaking and I felt at peace. Communion came from being a scary thing of public speaking to an act of duty, an insignificant offer of service to God. Insignificant in terms of effort but meaningful nonetheless. Then I told myself later that I should be glad that I had this opportunity to do something for Him. And yes, for that, I am thankful. Later after service, people told me that I did a pretty good job for communion, and next time, they're gonna put me up there on stage more often. Which I totally don't mind at all cos it's a service to God.

----------

That sunday, I also had the chance to meet Cynthia. Months ago I sent out an email on RQ (the queer women's mailing list) calling on 3rd or 4th year S M U students for a university critique and 'testimonial'. Sadly, only two women replied. And of the two, only one was an actual S M U student. But nonetheless, what started out as a simple Q&A kind of email continued and continued for months. There is now someone I actually email on a regular basis, in an age whereby MSN is the instant internet communication of choice. Email seems so archaic to me. Up till now, we have about 20 odd long long emails between us that has gone further from school and studies to our own lives. I know this ain't very objective, but from her emails she gave me a very good impression of S M U students and the school in general. After all, it's only one person's experience and the same may not happen to me. But still. One cannot help feeling a little pro-S M U after all she has to say.

Anyway, after meeting her, I must say she's everything I expected out of an S M U student. Eloquent, poised and confident. And good image. Presentation is key and yes they really do know how to make good first impressions. Great marketing you might say haha. Academically, she's quite impressive. A double degree business and accountancy student with a Grade Point Average of 3.8 out of the maximum 4!! -_- My goodness. Also, she speaks damn fast, as expected out of a business student. So yes, it was really good to meet her cos after emailing an anonymous stranger for months on end, it's nice to finally see the reality behind the computer screen. (But it was also really weird at first cos it feels like I do know her but I don't really know her??)

-----------

But today. This monday. Was the most amazing of all....

Peg gy asked me on saturday if I was interested in going to a film shoot. To help out as a 'runner' or as they say in film industry lingo, a 'grip'. That means I basically do everything that is not technical and not to difficult i.e. manual labour. I just had to help shift film equipment and stuff around. Do usual housekeeping around the set locations and do whatever I can to make things easy for the film crew. This particular film was a short film about the relationship between two female students. It's not really lesbian, but has some queer subtext in it. But then again, that's to be expected since the director and many of the film crew are queer ;). Plus I knew a few of the people working on set, so it wasn't going to be so alien and foreign to me.

Filming is crazy. Acting is tough! The many takes can be frustrating but worst of all.... production is hell! It's extremely tiring and tedious to work in production. If you're a 'runner', as the name implies, you do alot of running about. Fetching stuff from the main tents and equipment area to the shoot locations. And everytime they shift locations, it is a whole logistical nightmare of manually moving stuff up and down. We were filming by the river in Upper Pierce Resevoir, at this large steep, hilly place. It was incredibly beautiful on set. But the slopes were crazy. I ran up and down about 30 plus times all day, carrying the most inane things from umbrellas for the directors to ice boxes for the drinks. It was tough work. But it's one of the most eye opening experiences I've ever had. Cos now, I know through first hand experience how exceedingly tough it is to make a film. All that you see on TV etc, flashes past your eyes so fast, but yet... takes so much effort and manpower to make. The whole shoot actually lasts 7 days. Everyday, it starts from 7am to 7 pm. And the real film itself will only last for a mere 15 minutes.

15 minutes!!!

All this trouble for 15 minutes of final footage! The film industry and the whole production process etc is something I will not witness if I go through my predicted life path.. for I have no desire to work in film. But I jumped at the chance to join the film crew for the reason that this is the only chance I will get to see this. And even though its tiring, it was still fun and intrigueing to me. The film crew had their own sort of film industry, on-location-speak. Lingo like 'gen-y' (meaning the electrical generator), 'n-g' (meaning no good) and 'k-i-v' (meaning keep in view) were all new to me. There were also moments of absolute hilarity on set! There was a dance segment whereby the two female leads were swaying and singing to old nostalgic chinese tunes. At one moment between takes, they kept playing the old nostalgic chinese music and the mostly male crew started crooning to it.

And you know that song?

wo...
wo yao ni....
wo yao ni di....
wo yao ni di ai....

Haha, it was utterly hilarious to watch a bunch of grown men singing off-key to the music, with the director dancing around an umbrella while they sang. And the men can be quite cheeky too. Cracking silly jokes here and there, alternating between moments of serious work attitudes and happy-go-lucky escapades.

There were alot more many weird and wonderful things that happened, but if you're interested, you can ask me cos I'm too lazy to go on about it..

---------

But going home was a completely unexpected and pleasant surprise for me.

Film crew guys can be very beng. You know they speak in dialects, smoke and talk chinese and all that. But I was amazed to discover (while carpooling on the way home), that the two guys with me were actually strong christians, though very different christians. One was a cell leader and passionate believer in God. He talks about God with a conviction that literally shakes the car. No kidding. He's love for Him is amazing. And the other, who used to go on personal, self-funded missions trips on his own to Cambodia to talk to total strangers about God. Who used to lead cell as well. But had now lost his faith. Both of them, in a certain way, were a reflection of the different sides of my own personality. One who at certain times could believe faithfully in God, and at other times, start to question and doubt. What started out as a simple comment on God, turned into a conversation that lasted over an hour about God. And there we were, me and two total strangers who had only met briefly for today, talking so deeply about faith issues and so honestly. We even stopped by the roadside to talk. It was that necessary. To hear them speak about God and their struggles with faith and their belief in Him and all that was an incredible experience. And sigh... ai... I can't put into words how sublime this whole experience is, to have conversations like this that are sort of once in a lifetime. To be so tired at the end of a whole day of filming and yet still, have the energy and desire to talk about something so close to you. This conversation about God is one of those... (how do you call it).... brushes of 'godly' experience you can have. An unlikely fellowship that sprung out of nowhere, out of God's doing. We were put together on this fateful day in all the right circumstances to have this wonderful sharing about God.

Today I got home feeling as though God planned this all along. And I am so thankful that I agreed to take leave and go for the film shoot today. Not just for the incredible eye opening experience of seeing the film industry in action, but also to have this meeting of hearts... with other followers of Christ who, in their own little way, struggle with God and faith and all that. But though we struggle, there we still are, persevering. And that is the whole purpose after all, to trust in Him in your darkest hour when it seems like you would fail.

There is one important thing that I took home with me today from that experience. And that is, no matter what type of christian you are, what church doctrine or idealogy you believe in. The basic fact that you love God and believe in Him is all the connection you need to have with other christians. And that in the end, it is your personal relationship with God that personifies faith. Not philosphy or idealogy or different view points and denominations. God transcends all these boundaries. And even though, they may have a different view about homosexuality than me (not that I asked them), it does not really matter. Cos God is above that issue. The sum of the factors in your faith is made up of so much more, and there is really so much we could all learn from each other about God if only we had the time and the God-given opportunity, to sit down and talk about Him like that.

------------

And I would open up my heart and let the healer set me free.

There is really nothing better. And though I, we all, still struggle with God, Bible, interpretations and view points and all that silly bull shit. I know that in the end, we are all still taken care of...


God Bless =)

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

A level results are back.

Ho-hum.

I guess it's a case of give and take. I wanted better for some subjects but didn't get it, BUT I did better for some subjects which I thought I flunked. Oh well, all equates to zero or something like that. I'm not really worried about whether I can get into uni. What I'm worried about is which uni to go to. And on top of that which course I should take. My initial choices have been bashed left right center by almost everyone I meet. People from both S M U and N U S tell me a million and one stories which are all contradictory and different. I don't konw what to really think now. And today, the taxi driver just made my brain muddled again when he gave me his take on the local unis.

Shit.

Serious. Major case of indecision right now.

Right now, SMU is looking more and more like a wild card. If I go there, anything could possibly happen. It might be good decision and I get challenged there. Cos I'll be really forced to go out of my comfort zone. There are more projects, and it's flooded with people who are outspoken. (Case in point: I've been emailing regularly this SMU 2nd or 3rd year student and she's seems really driven and wow, 'up there' you know? Double degree student some more. S M U is fantastic for her. But then again, it's just one person.)Therefore, more competition. Also, dressing wise, it'll force me to dress better. It's like a fashion show over there. And this can be a good thing cos I really really need to know how to dress better. They don't have lectures, and you need to have alot of independence there. People don't spoon feed you. Want an internship? You do it the harder way. You actually have to apply and sit for interview like a real-life candidate. In NUS, I think you just sign up and get accepted. That's the thing you see? If I get into S M U, I'll be forced to get off my butt and make myself better in some aspects of my life.

But then, its more expensive, further away from home and has little sports facilities. More importantly, I don't know if I'll fit into the culture.

N U S looks more like the 'safe route' to go. It's more established and their degrees are probably more recognised. I think N U S culture is rather universal and thus it'll be easy for me to fit in. There are more sports facilities, and it's cheaper as well. The teaching methods are more conventional, they have more exams then projects (while for S M U, it's the other way round). It's 'my kind of place' and I can already picture myself just being the same old me over there. My cheese will not be moved much (if you know what I mean).

What about job prospects for both unis? I don't know, people tell you even more contracdictory and crazier stories about that. It's best I don't listen to much to others when they give me their two cents worth on either uni's job prospects. It's really too subjective anyway.

So how? The up and coming new thing? Or the old and trusted way?

NEXT ISSUE: Course of study.

I wanted business. That's the most interesting one to me right now. (Actually, hospitality management was enticing for awhile. Until I realised that I'm not keen on going overseas. And I won't do HM in S'pore cos it's only partially offered in N T U. But I don't want to go there cos the chinese culture is very strong. I can't fit in that. But I know that there are many routes into the hotel industry and working in the IRs. You don't necessarily need a degree in hospitality management to make it there.) But people say it's hard to get a job with such a general degree. And this opinion is quite universal. Yes, its true. It's not easy to find a job with a business degree unless you're a really outstanding business student with a fantastic resume, OR fantastic connections. The other, sure fire iron rice bowl is ... accountancy. But sigh... that is maths. And it's really a very borring subject, although its extremely useful and applicable in the real working world. I'll never run out of jobs as an accountant, or go hungry. But will I enjoy it? Sure, I can always change to a different line down the road, but you still have to do accounting for some years right? On top of that, you already have to study 4 years of pure accounting. Is that what I want? Then again, what I want might not give me a good living.


SHIT. I don't know what to do....





HELP!!!!!!!!