Monday, February 27, 2006

I wanna read De Profundis!

Friday, February 24, 2006

Hi there.

This place is dying.

Or rather, the author is 'dying'.

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I am so so so exhausted by work. I don't know why, but when I come home I just feel very drained. Life on the weekdays comprises of rising up to get to work (which feels like you trying to get out of a bath tub of molten lead - impossible), coming home and then sleeping. Time spent online, which I do most of the time when I come home, is time wasted that could have been spent sleeping. I only have 'a life' on weekends. And even then, I sometimes cram too many things into two days that I feel exhausted as well, instead of being well rested. Worst still, I'm not getting enough exercise. And I try to cram exercise on weekends, making my weekends even more packed.

Worse still. I've got commitments to handle. PR gatherings yet to be fantasised and planned about (more like just chat but we do nothing and never really get around to it). The youth group (!) is getting more and more serious. We've come up with an entire programme already, rules, mission statement etc etc. Soon, it'll be meeting the counselor for consultation. April is the start date. And I hope we can get things done on time. By march, I'll be in two cell groups.

And right now, I'd probably be writing less here. Cos now I'll be writing in another cyberspace. It's actually a forum/website started for Singapore queer women, and it's recently launched. I'm one of the monthly authors now, my nick is lublub. Primarily, I have to write on queer youth issues and most notably, a diary of sorts of the youth group when it starts. It's probably the first one of its kind here (other than that being Fridae.com, but fridae is soo gay-male and it covers the whole of Asia. This one's only for Singapore, but all are welcome to join)

This is one of the things I love about the GLBT community. Circumstances forces you to be a person of action. And there are alot of people around me who are just like that - passionate and proactive in trying to create a better place for GLBT. No matter how small the effort, no matter how 'unknown' these efforts are, no matter how such efforts may only help 7-8 people, maybe more, maybe less, but better some than zero. And in FCC, there are alot of such activists. People who are constantly doing something new. Pioneering. Creating things and groups and ideas that never existed in Singapore until they came along and had the commitment and passion to make it happen. In these few months I've seen Singapore GLBT history formed before my very own eyes, as people continue to construct avenues of support etc. I don't know but, to do something that takes up SO SO much of your time, has no monetary benefit, no real public recognition. That shows that your motivation lies much deeper. And I've discovered long ago that that motivation is the desire to help others. To all the GLBT out there who are still hurting from homophobia, external or internal. That's the reward. To let another person know that, you still have a shot at life even if you're gay. Life is what you make of it. And the people around me want to make it a better place for GLBT.

It's amazing how things move very fast in this place. How, at the snap of the fingertips, suddenly, you're roped into something. I always thought that it would be exceedingly difficult to start the youth group, or try to help other GLBT in general cos I was so separated from other gay people. Now, there are so many doors open to you. Becos of the wide varied backgrounds of people from FCC. Help is everywhere I turn when I need stuff for the youth group. Sometimes, people offer their help when I never considered asking them for it.

And if there's anything I've learned from this... is that: You're never too insignificant to make a difference. Also, connections connections connections. I cannot stress the importance of connections. Connections will make you leap to places.

And lo! within the garden of my dream
I saw two walking on a shining plain
Of golden light. [...] I cried, 'Sweet youth,
Tell me why, sad and sighing, thou dost rove
These pleasent realms? I pray thee speak me sooth
What is thy name?' He said, 'My name is Love.'
Then straight the first did turn himself to me
And cried, 'He lieth, for his name is Shame,
But I am Love, and I was wont to be
Alone in this fair garden, till he came
Unasked by night; I am true Love, I fill
The hearts of boy and girl with mutual flame.'
Then sighing, said the other, 'Have thy will,
I am the love that dare not speak its name.'

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If you know me. Or if at least you can decipher the literary meaning in this. You'll know why I posted this.



Beautiful poetry. I wanna study lit again...

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Haha, I thought this was terribly funny:



The Top Ten Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong

1. Homosexuality is not natural. Real people always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are still property, blacks still aren’t supposed to marry whites.

5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if homosexual marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Homosexual couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.

7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in North America.

9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

http://shianux.jiyuuu.org/2006/01/24/179/celebrate-lie-the-workshop/
http://yahoopot.blogspot.com/2006/01/sex-talk-no-talk-sense.html

This is pretty self-explanatory. Ugh.

Religious fundamentalists... I shall stay far far far away from them.


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Would you ever lie when you evangalise?

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But its okay. People are entitled to their own opinions whatever. Even. Even if they choose to shove it down other's throats while I don't go around town with a placard screaming, "I'm a happy homosexual!" (And that isn't even a lie to begin with). I'm not that fazed. Cos even though all these messages seem to brainwash us into the middle ages.... somehow or other, I doubt youths are that helpless. We're all thinking, 18 year old, young adults (well, most of us). We're no more a five year old kid who believes whatever they hear. "Garbage in. Garbage out.", as the gay girls say. And even though it seems that the official government world is getting more conservative and dogmatic, and is trying to spread that... it doesn't really matter. Cos in fact, the more you try to force, the more people will protest (as can be seen for that sexuality workshop held in AJ C)

What me worry? =)

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Brokeback Mountain!!!! (on Oprah)

I have watched it! Haha, the feeling of eluding the law and 'finding a way to forbidden stuff' is exhilarating! (It is r21 after all. And since I'm short and 'youthful-looking', so say the gay people, therefore I'm highly likely to be checked) The plan was to go to the a fa charity premier of Brokeback Mountain, organised by Fri dae (gay web portal) in mature looking office clothes with genuinely mature men around me to camoflouge. My gosh, the whole entire day I was so worried about getting in. What if I get stopped? It'll be thirty bucks wasted. Yes, it cost 30 bucks cos most of the cash goes to charity. In the office I prayed many times and furiously smsed with people who say 'can lah', and then others who say 'beware'. And my sense of security was like a swinging pendulum. One minute, I can't wait for tonight cos I'll get in dude! Especially with my white powersuit and me being draped around 'my husband'. Another minute, shit, maybe he/she is right? What a bummer, I really don't want to be stopped.

Then night came....

The premier was at Li do, and it was rather crowded. I was practically shaking inside already, and sticking like chewing gum to Eugene, 'the husband'. All the while, with the most inscrutable face I could muster (i.e. the jaded-adult-who-has-seen-many-years-look). They were giving out free condoms at the counter (a fa is a NGO that campaigns and educates about HIV after all, hence, the safe sex promotion). There were also goodie bags for those who paid sixty bucks to watch. And the crowd?

Jorg: How gay is this place?
Eugene: Out of one to ten? Eleven.

Haha, my thoughts exactly man. There were so many gay men there, some from church, some whom you see once you'll know, some utterly regular looking guys, as diverse as the gay men community is. There were few women, most of whom were kind of 'auntie-aged' as they all seem to have wrinkles. There were also some models/actors, most notably Di ck Le e (who is gay by the way). Since it's a premier, there was a mini snack bar with muffins, rolls, curry puffs and this fantastically delicious sweet glazed strawberry tartlets. There were also Budweiser beers. I was so damn nervous, Eugene and Jeremy kept telling me to chill and relax. Drinking the Budweiser didn't exactly helped either, even though they say alcohol is supposed to give you guts =(

Then the time finally came for us to enter the theatre. And seriously, all my worrying and hyperventilating was unnecessary, cos they didn't check me! (Yay!). Then again, I had a pretty good disguise... (I walked in as one half of an office couple). But upon entering the theatre, there were like so many damn ushers all standing about at junctions and I was like, 'shit!' Then I started getting scared that I'll be chased out...

But it didn't happen =) *Thank you God*

Once people had more or less settled down, an MC appeared (!) And he gave mandatory introductions about a fa and fridae. And the coolest thing? On the big screen was the motto of frid ae..." Empowering Gay Asia" something you'd never expected to see in a cinema. Ever. There was also some sort of lottery-thingy, whereby under five seats in the whole theatre, there was a slip of paper that entitled the person who found it, to get a free BrokeBack Mountain Soundtrack! What the h---?? So damn lucky! The soundtrack's supposed to be quite good I heard. Then the lights dimmed, and the show started....

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Brokeback Mountain, as all the pundits/critics/newspapers praised, is completely worthy of the accolades that it received. And the one thing that sets Brokeback apart from other films about love... is that brokeback isn't cliched, it isn't stereotypically formulaic, it isn't 'Hollywood' airbrushed. It's real. And cos it's so real, the story is also so sad. After all, what would the reality of a gay man in the '60s and in the bible belt of America be?

Lee ang is a filmmaker with vision. Really. And this movie proved to me that Heath Ledger can act. The scenery was breath-taking, and a great backdrop to love. Everyone is so human on the show. So terribly fragile it's heart breaking. Even the most stoic person, Heath, is vulnerable. And when he breaks down, it becomes so... revealing of human nature. Whoever said boys don't cry? You know, I'm just jumping everywhere and randomly stabbing about, trying to encompass how beautiful Brokeback Mountain is... but language is just failing me. There are really many good things to say about this film.

Even though this is a gay film, and to a lesbian is totally irrelevant for the fact that a female isn't even involved in the love relationship (Newsflash: Me and jean were checking out the wives and daughters in the movie), I could still relate to it. And not primarily becos I'm queer too like the characters on screen. But becos this is love. And everyone can relate to love and how wanting it leaves you. And another thing about Brokeback that appeals to me? Is how, it isn't a mouthpiece for gay activists to proclaim that gay love is right and wonderful (by painting a serene and calm image of gay love). The homophobes would just shun the movie otherwise. It doesn't offer an opinion on the homosexuality is right or wrong issue. It just tells a love story as it's meant to be told.

After watching it, I couldn't have waited two years to become 21 to watch it. And neither does watching it on the small screens of televisions or computers, do the cinematography any justice (Brokeback Mountain is literally a beautiful place, and the 'minimalist' camera shots become all the more sublime when it's on a big screen).


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Everybody, this is one show you HAVE TO watch. Gay. Straight. Whatever. It will open your mind, to view love as it always is, not politically correct, or constrained by social boundaries or whatever....



....just love.



I'm really happy that movies like Brokeback Mountain and Saving Face are appearing. It seems like there are more films with the queer theme in it. And for a gay person, that is a wonderful wonderful wonderful development. Cos after being force-fed straight romantic movies that you never ever related to and always found so... plastic...it's like opening your eyes for the first time and seeing what you always saw in your mind and in your heart.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Life has been a party. Literally.

In the GLBTcommunity, there is a euphenism for queer people. And that is: 'Happy' people. Firstly and most obviously, gay has another meaning and that is 'happy'. Another reason is that queer people tend to seem stereotypically 'happy-go-lucky' all the time to heterosexuals. (It may not seem that way to you currently, and that's cos you haven't met enough gay people). Cos when you have no commitments, no kids, no family to support... you essentially have alot of free time and money to spent on yourselves. Therefore most gay people seem to have a raging social life after work, cos there's no need to go home to feed the baby, eat with your wife/husband etc.

There's already been 3 reunion dinners with all groups of people in FCC. The main church reunion dinner at a proper chinese restaurant, buffet dinner at Sally's where I won about S$1 in blackjack, steamboat at Wee's where 60% of the food consisted of balls (different types of fishball, beefball, fake meat ball, I-don't-know-what-that-is ball). Next week, there is a house party somewhere for reasons which I cannot remember. But I will turn up.

And everybody's excited over Brokeback Mountain! (It'll either be A FA premier for me where, hopefully, they will let us in, or worse come to worse, I will hold Tony's or Eugene's hand and pretend to be their wife)

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Post-makan conversations with gay men never fail to amuse me:

(Jeffrey and I are sitting on the stairs eating Twisties)
J: But it's alright.
Me: Yeah, but I'm getting old....

Wee: (who is pushing 30, turns around in slow motion): Don't ever catch me hear you say that again....

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Jeremy: I have basketballer's hands.
Me (looks at his hands): You know what they say about men with big hands and feet?
Jeremy: Oh I'm sorry elsa, I'm japanese. (smiles)
Me: No jeremy. I am sorry.

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Shawn: Have you ever had sex with a girl?
Me: Never
Shawn: You never had sex before???
Me: Nope. I'm a virgin in all sense of the word. (grins)
Shawn: So you never have girlfriend before?
Me: Never.
Shawn: Okay, I teach you how to get a girl.
Daniel: Oh my goodness elsa, a man has to teach you how to get a girl? He's not even straight leh. A gay man has to teach you how to get a girl?

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(And the classic)
Me: What type of moisturizer is good?
Daniel: Garnier is good. I use it.

You could never ask straight men such questions... unless their metrosexual. Plus, gay men literally put most girls to shame. They know more about skincare and beauty regimes than me. Oh, and they also know female breast massage to 'tone' the area.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Today, I opened the newspapers to see something I thought I would never see.

In the Forum, there was a letter about Liberty League. And it was the sort of letter that gay-affirmative people would write. Heck, it might even be by a gay person, but the main issue is, it actually made it to the Straits Times.

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On another note, I was blog-surfing today and came across... shoujo-ai! Oh man, it so damn hard to find good and free shoujo-ai on the net. (Much harder to get your hands on real, 'feelable' paperback shoujo-ai manga). You either end up with the very kiddish- or butch/femme kind of shoujo-ai, and these are so not my style. There was once I found really good shoujo-ai of the pure lesbian variety that had been translated, but the author of the site didn't finish translating the rest of the story! So I was left with a horrible cliffhanger, but nonetheless, my first real glimpse of shoujo-ai (the alternative to lesbian fiction).

By the way, if you still have no idea what I'm rambling about, shoujo-ai is lesbian japanese manga.

I found this blog, which had a link to a japanese (i.e. the words are in jap) website and there was o-mi-goodness super beautiful art of shoujo-ai. And best of all? It's my kind of shoujo-ai. I thought this was really cute!







But the best art in there is a little... erm... explicit (got topless art). So therefore cannot show here or else I will permanently blind some innocent people (or maybe you've already seen before but I just don't know. haha).

This one just looks mesmerising. I love her eyes here....






Haiya... jeremy got his shounen-ai manga, but where's mine???? Maybe I should hunt around kino one day. Hmm....