Tuesday, January 31, 2006

3 things you never knew about me.


1: I have sickpeoplephobia. That means, I cannot stand being near someone who is sick. This phobia was sparked a few years ago when I went out with a sick friend a whole afternoon and the next day, I ended up with a horrific flu. I shall never again forget how flu/colds are so easily transmitted. Besides, I have a history of being extremely susceptible to respiratory problems. And I would use whatever means I have to get away from sick people. Like sick coughing strangers in the MRT. I will actually walk from where I'm standing to another carrigde. In fact, one girl on a crowded train verbally admitted that she had flu/cough for days already and it was still bad. For 15 minutes she coughed like nobody's business and then, I actually gave up my seat and left. If you are my friend, I will keep my distance. If you are my family (whom I have to share a house and all it's doorknobs that everyone touches), I will 'alcohol-wipe' every surface that you just touched and which I have no choice but to touch. If you are the girl that I like, I will also keep a polite distance (I think. Maybe. If I can overcome my insane need to be near said girl.) I know this sounds paranoid. And yes, I am being paranoid. But I just can't help it =P

2. Whenever I jog/do dumbell exercises, I will be plugged into my sister's shuffle and think of this fantastic picture as my motivator......







And my thoughts would be: Yea, I'm gonna try and be like ambrosio and have her six pack abs and pecs (haha). Actually, Point Number 2 is completely useless though it's true. I just wrote it there so that I can find an excuse to re-post one of my favourite ambrosio pics so that when I visit 'myself', I will be greeted with a lovely sight =)

3. I can do something weird with my right shoulder bone. And I have not, in 18 years of my life, seen someone else who can 'manipulate' it like I do. If you wanna see it, ask me.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Chinese New Year is here. Bah-humbug.

I'm so bored with festivals. I realised that as you grow older and go through many of the same rituals year after year after year, it starts to wear you out. Everyear, it is the same old routine. And if you take away the nice things that come with festivities, i.e. public holidays, nice festival goodies, requisite pigging-out, all the other mundane things that you're supposed to do, the day is actually no different from any other day. Chu-yi is just any regular saturday. I spent it sleeping around in bed, only getting up to help out with steamboat. Sure you say, chinese new year is fun cos of the angpows. But even angpows don't really motivate me anymore. I get my own paycheck these days. Plus, the amount of money that I lose by not working on public holidays is equivalent to that from angpows already. So actually, I effectively gain nothing financially on CNY.

Worse still, relative visiting can be a pain in the neck. WORSE STILL if many of your relatives are vegetarian and year after year, you go down to johor to eat at the same sucky vegetarian restaurant becos they never bothered to find a better alternative. If there is no computer in said relative's house, you will be promised a completely boring and wasted afternoon. Cos the adults would hog the TV and watch some inane chinese-y CNY celebration show on TV, and the environment isn't exactly suited for book-reading. There are NO cousins your age, they are all either older or younger, your own sister doesn't provide much of an entertainment, and the 'womenfolk' just speak loudly and crassly like they're in wet-market land or something. The men? I don't know what they do... oh wait, yeah... they hog the TV. The angpow-getting is the only bright spark out of the gloominess. Freebie new year goodies at the relative's house are tasty. But I'm fat and need to lose weight. Having an office job does not help. And unfortunately, I'm not one of the lucky few who get to work at A&G, where every worker (temp staff included) gets a free Cali gym membership for the duration of their work.

Ugh. Feel bloated up with steamboat and tidbits. I need something to look forward to in this life.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

OMG OMG.

The VS show rocked! ROcked!

Sigh sigh sigh... but there was just not enough ambrosio for meeee!!!! Yes I am greedy. But sigh.... gosh I'm in a little daydreaming heaven now haha =P

I wonder who else saw the show?

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Check out the newspapers today folks.

It's election time and *shock!*gasp* the government is slinging mud at the opposition again. How terribly unsurprising. And they devoted 3-4 articles to what was essentially the same content. The opposition is wrong the opposition is wrong the opposition is always wrong. Only P AP is forever right. Forever infallible.

And after the whole blow-up about Liberty League and how P LU, an gay activist organisation that has been around Singapore for years, was denied its press release... I'm won't be surprised if there would be a response from the Worker's Party about the allegations. In fact, if the 'gahmen' so-called 'objectively' allowed a response, it would be accompanied by it's own rebuttal and speel on how the system has worked for years blah blah blah. Yea it's true, it may have worked. But it refuses to consider anything else that might work, especially if it comes from opposition parties.

You know, there was a recent debate about political apathy in Singapore. It's easy to see why it exists. Cos on the surface, if you, a citizen, lived a contented life, was fed with all the little short-term goodies that the 'gahmen' sometimes dole out, and enjoyed the long-term safety and comfort of what this country has undoubtedly achieved so far through fair means, why the hell would anyone give a shit about politics right? Second reason, if there is no freedom of press in the country if there is no such thing as fair political debate about the 'gahmen' (perhaps within P AP itself but definitely not public), if political dissent is not tolerated and critisicism of the 'gahmen' is forever denied, if all you learn in the textbooks and social studies is how Singapore is always right and Malaysia wrong....who has a space to argue and be passionate about even if they aren't politically apathetic? Before you could even start, it is clamped down already. Even teachers have to support the official stance, despite their personal beliefs, every civil servant has to.

And I guess I see now why Vid ya, used to tell me back in S C how her parents were going to vote for the opposition cos they didn't believe that crock that the 'gahmen' churned out. And I see now why Ms Aud rey Tan used to blast the 'gahmen' at the same time while teaching ss (propaganda book to glorious singapore), and how the frustration of being a teacher and a 'spokesperson' for the 'gahmen' divided her. And I also see now... that people (I did) will remain uncaring about politics and the P AP itself until one fine day, when the strong arm of the 'gahmen' comes crashing down into your world and you are absolutely disgusted cos you previously believed that this was indeed a democratic and free country.

Bullshit.

And all the nasty little signs of that were suggestive of this in the past, just barely registered on your radar, and I guess I shouldn't have ignored. Dr Chee....the Vietnamese guy who was hanged...and this....

Focus On The Family.

FOTF is a christian organisation. It has a homophobic stance. And in a secular newspaper TODAY, this religion-based group has a column. Of cos it does not outrightly preach christianity inside, and the articles are mostly seemingly 'harmless'. Who's to say they won't get more daring in the future? And another thing that irks me is this, how come we don't see Mendaki or Ren Ci or whatever having their own damn column? And then you have LL, which is endorsed by 'gahmen' and banned christian organisations in US... why does it seem that we are becoming more like America? Where christian right-wing politics interfere with the secular public? The separation of church and state is becoming more blur.

Some people might think that with a christian influence on the public and it's mentality, life will be beter, and God's will is achieved. I'm sorry but think.... you will piss off alot of non-christians by forcing religion down people's throats, and some people just can't stomache having a religious point of view claim itself to be the one true view. I can't either. And I cannot understand how some christians can do just that and proclaim this to non-believing strangers (you know, those that hand out pamphlets saying you 'will be saved' if you come to God and pester you even when you say you already believe, those that go door to door and do the same thing). People will find you and your beliefs a nuisance! How can you help them see the light if they get irritated at you?

The founder of LL used to give sexuality talks in school and non-christians were highly offended when he started talking about God in a secular environment. Now, with LL, he's going to do it on a larger scale, and with more people getting pissed off and turning away from God becos of 'christians' like him. To me, the best way to evangalise is to lead a godly life and be a good christian, from there, people will see the positive influence of God without you even speaking a word, then one day... you can share. The only person so far who fits that bill is WT, and if you really want people to believe, you would have to follow her. Not LL. Not FOTF.

A week ago, there was a segment aired on TAB TV on CNA or something, and the founder of LL was interviewed. He said that homosexuality was a psychological problem and people needed to seek help for it. No opposing viewpoint was seeked out or conferred and that was the conclusion of the show: Homosexuals are mentally ill. And there you have major psychological and psychiatric organisations in the US pledging that homosexuality cannot and is no longer considered a mental problem, more than fifteen years ago....

People, we are living behind times.

Here's a lesser known nasty fact about 'gahmen', they spy on people who are potential trouble-makers, potential heretics. And since gay people feel alot different about the 'gahmen' from straight people, cos they are directly offended by it's anti-homosexual (true but unspoken) stance, their emails, blogs, and all online correspondence is tracked by the IS D software department in 'gahmen' institutes. All you have to do is to be openly gay in cyberspace... and your email address is highly likely to appear in their databases.

So Big Brother, I know you're watching... and here's a third finger for you.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

This is here because the story which was going to appear in today’s newspaper was stopped "by a ministry" minutes before it went out.

Media ReleaseFrom People Like Us19 Jan 2006, 20.30h

Singapore govt gives $100,000 to Christian anti-gay group


By giving $100,000 to Liberty League, as reported by ChannelNewsAsia (CNA), the Singapore government is helping to promote a religious cause founded on unscientific and psychologically damaging methods.
Liberty League intends to "promote gender and sexual health" through "conduct[ing] sexuality talks in schools" – CNA report.


However, Liberty League's website promotes a book 'Freedom of Choice'. The book's subjects were almost totally from the Christian group, Choices, which runs programmes teaching that homosexuality is a psychological dysfunction. The book thus promotes this kind of pseudo-therapy propagated by fundamentalist Christian groups.


Mr Leslie Lung, the founder of Liberty League has long been known to be associated with "ex-gay" ministries. The "ex-gay" or "reparative therapy" movement is strongly associated with the more extreme churches in the United States. Liberty League's website itself uses terms such as "sexual brokenness", "addiction and abuse".
In a seminar organised by the Graduates Christian Fellowship on 13 October 2005, which described homosexuality as a psychological problem, Liberty League was touted as resource for counseling. It was recommended by Mr Tan Thuan Seng, the President of Focus on the Family, Singapore (FOTF-Sg) who is known to regularly give anti-gay talks in Christian circles.


FOTF-Sg is an affiliate of Christian- and US-based Focus on the Family as can be seen from the latter's website. The anti-gay, proselytising stance of Focus on the Family is well known. One may therefore infer that since it was recommended by FOTF-Sg, Liberty League shares a similar position regarding faith and homosexuality.
Liberty League is also lauded on the website of Exodus Singapore, the Christian ex-gay group, http://www.exodusasiapacific.org/singapore.htm. It too speaks of "sexual brokenness" and teaches "God’s plan for sexuality". On its Policy page, it says, "Exodus Asia Pacific cites homosexual tendencies as one of many disorders that beset fallen humanity. Christ offers a healing alternative to those with sexual and relational problems."


An 18-year-old student who had attended one of Mr Lung’s earlier talks in her school wrote in her report (deposited with People Like Us) that she had to "sit through a one-hour treatise on why homosexuality was wrong, and if we had any same-sex attractions, we should immediately seek help and turn straight".
"He made several references to God and the Bible during the talk," she wrote, and that "it was pretty insensitive to everyone non-Christian."


It should be noted that in his statement to CNA, Mr Lung spoke of "coming out of [homosexuality]". At first glance, this phrase appears similar to "coming out" – the well-accepted process of healthy psychological development for gay and lesbian persons – but it is in fact a trojan horse for the opposite: destructive self-denial of a person’s own sexuality.


PLU finds it reprehensible that while the World Health Organization1 and reputable psychological associations2 no longer treat homosexuality as a disorder, the National Volunteer and Philanthropy Centre (NVPC) would still fund an organization that has been founded on this unscientific and damaging premise. (More information on this in Annex.)


The government needs to explain why the NVPC thinks $100,000 is money well spent when given to a disguised religious cause based on unscientific psychotherapeutic approaches that seek to deform young people's sense of self-worth and psychological health.


PLU also notes that the published guidelines for eligibility for funding from the NVPC include the stipulation that all programmes must be secular, and believes the government needs to explain its grant to Liberty League when even 18 year-old students can so clearly spot its religious agenda.


The government also needs to explain how this grant is consistent with Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong's claim that the government is not homophobic, made in a comment to the Foreign Correspondents Association on 6 October 2005.


For more information, please contact:People Like Us
======================================================
ANNEX
The matter becomes more ludicrous when one realizes that even other Asian nations like Japan3, the People’s Republic of China4 and Thailand5 no longer consider homosexuality a mental disorder.


In relation to therapies to correct homosexual orientation, the American Psychiatric Association, reaffirmed its stand in 2000, that attempts to "repair homosexuality are based on developmental theories whose scientific validity is questionable."[6] A study by Shidlo and Schroeder of 202 individuals who attempted sexual orientation therapy found less than 4 percent were able to rid themselves of same-sex attractions while 78 percent of respondentsexperienced long-term psychological distress as a result of the attempt.[7]


REFERENCES
1 The World Health Organization removed homosexuality from its list of mental disorders in its International Classification of Disorders-10 in 1992.(http://psychology.ucdavis.edu/rainbow/html/facts_mental_health.html)
2 American Psychological Association:http://www.psych.org/pnews/99-01-15/therapy.html
British Psychological Society:http://www.bps.org.uk/lesgay/lesgay_home.cfm
Australian Psychological Society:http://www.psychology.org.au/units/interest_groups/gay_lesbian/news.asp
Canadian Psychological Association:http://www.cpa.ca/documents/policy.html
3 http://www.iglhrc.org/site/iglhrc/section.php?id=5&detail=313
4 Chinese Classification and Diagnostic Criteria of Mental Disorders removed homosexuality from its list of mental illnesses on April 20, 2001 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homosexuality_in_China
5 http://www.studentbmj.com/issues/03/02/news/7.phphttp://www.thinkcentre.org/article.cfm?ArticleID=1933
6 American Psychiatric Association’s Position Statement on Therapies Focused on Attempts to Change Sexual Orientation (Reparative or Conversion Therapies)http://www.psych.org/psych_pract/copptherapyaddendum83100.cfm
7 Shidlo, A., and Schroeder, M., (2002) Changing SexualOrientation: A Consumers’ Report. Professional Psychology: Researchand Practice, 33(3), 249. Refer also:
Schroeder, M., (2001) Ethical Issues in Sexual OrientationConversion Therapies: An Empirical Study of Consumers. Journal ofGay and Lesbian Psychotherapy 5(3/4), 131.
Bright, C., (2004) Deconstructing Reparative Therapy: An Examinationof the Processes Involved When Attempting to Change SexualOrientation. Clinical Social Work Journal, 32(4), p. 471

Thursday, January 19, 2006

NEXT MONDAY, CATCH THE....



VICTORIA'S SECRETS RUNWAY SHOW
ON CHANNEL 5 AT 10PM
Everybody let's babe-watch

The whole gay community is fired up over this recent development. And it's easy to see why, for Singapore has just taken a huge step back into the Middle Ages. A few people have already responded.

There is this community group, who is lead by an ex-transexual gay man, that claims to 'help' GLBT people. And of cos, it is not the kind of friendly help that the gay community expects, and not surprisingly, the government just throws a pile of money at this organization, in the hopes that it will 'solve' the gay problem. And you know how much they got? For an organisation that has no track record at all and just materialised out of the blue? Onehundredf-ingthousand. $100,000.

That.

Is ALOT of money.

In its website, it seems as though the group is going to be very understanding and helpful to your needs. But if you read on and read deep, you'd realise that it is actually full of homophobia. Words like 'addiction, 'sexual brokeness', people requiring 'healing' (I'm not sick, why do I need to be healed?), 'freedom from sexual bondage'????????

Then if you read the reviews section. There is a whole slew of comments by newspapers and magazines etc.... and then suddenly, you have this quote from a pastor??? You know, the one thing that really irks me about this whole 'society', is that it may seem secular at first. But they are most likely going to infuse everything with scripture and religion. Not all the religions present in S'pore. Only Christianity. Why? Becos their 'spiritual advisor' is a reverend. Any hint of religiousity in the website is extremely subtle and hard to pick up on. So that means unknowing, non-christians may just stumble upon this organisation and be fed all that religious dogma (which is a point of contention in christianity - whether homosexuality is wrong or not). And this is their introduction to GOD? I cannot think of a worse way. That God is not really your friend, your saviour, the one who represents love. But no, you are a sinful and broken person. And the only way to find God is to get rid of your sinful-ness. This is just a sure fire way to turn people AWAY from God forever (or a long time). Do you know that alot of non-christian GLBT hate christianity and all that it stands for? Becos of the homophobia exhibited by Christians to them? I can't blame them for how they feel you know? And moreover, the one time when I almost (and very nearly) pushed God away was one I felt that the God that mainstream christians preach about is not the kind of God that will love the person I am. A God that was less loving and did not understand.

For some, to be gay and christian at the same time is inconceivable. But for myself, to fake and be christian at the same time was hypocritical. And that was what I felt I was, when I sang the hymms in my old church, doing all the things that 'you're supposed to do to look faithful', giving the outwardly 'straight and normal' image. At least now, I am honest to Him. And when I sing, I know I mean it, and I'm not doing it for the benefit that others will see I'm a 'proper' christian. And honestly, I've probably thought more about God and cared more about Him, after I've reconciled faith and sexuality, than when I followed what was drilled into me from young. It was only when I became comfortable with myself, did I become more comfortable with God. I'm not saying this to prove that the 'gay is alright' view, I'm just saying this cos it is how I feel.

And that's what's so scary about this organisation, for those who come to it and get brainwashed, they'll probably hide in their closets far longer, forever suppressing and trapping themselves into what they think are sinful thoughts (which they can't help thinking anyway). They can tell you that 'you'll be free when you accept that you are sexually broken and get healing from God'. But truly, I am no less free in an emotionally suppressed state and denial. It's no big secret anyway, reparative therapy has time and time again shown that it only suppresses the homosexual urges but does not in anyway, create heterosexual ones.

There is only one. Only ONE church in s'pore which actually has a reparative theory programme. That programme is called 'choices' and it was started out by Exodus International, a christian organisation in the US that has been banned in all public institutions. Why is it banned? Becos the American Psychiatric Association has outwardly spoken against it, and it's been defamed in the press for falsification of their track record. More importantly, their 'role-model' ex-gay, who appeared on TIME magazine and married an ex-lesbian, was discovered to be a fraud when he was identified in a gay bar.

It just totally disgusts me, when people who claim that they are doing the divine work of God and 'saving other people's lives', have to lie in order to prove God's love? Do you know that lying is one of the ten commandments? Probably a worse sin than so-called homosexuality (sin), for it is one of the ten, whereas homosexuality is a smaller issue and less common? Exodus lied. And this Liberty League is already lying as well, by presenting a secular front but really, it is backed by religious organisations and it's influence will certainly be strong.



But no matter. It does not deter me, nor does it discourage. For you can't stop progress. You just can't. And if anything, it has only made me all the more determined, that this youth group must start. There are alot of teens out there, who are bothered by their different sexuality. Life may seem bleak for them now, but I know it can be otherwise....

You are not condemned if you are gay.

Monday, January 16, 2006

I'm pissed off.


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On a completely unrelated note, I don't understand this world. There are times it's so damn unfair. And I'm not even talking about my own shallow, insignificant little life. Why? I know I'm being bad here. Unfaithful here. But where are you God? Where are You in the lives of people that need you? Don't you even know that they are losing faith cos you don't seem to be there?

Yes. They can pray. Yea, we are all praying. But is that going to give back what's missing? Why do you give so little sometimes but take away so much??

It's been so long. I don't know if there's time to wait for faith to act now. Faith is meant to give you hope. But false hope causes disillusionment. Maybe I shouldn't expect anything from You. Cos we ask too much. But it's not something frivolous that I'm asking either.

This world is an ugly, demonic place ... for some.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

PR Reunion!!!!

Sadly, many people canceled at the last minute. Some didn't even turn up. But for those who did, we all had a wonderful time at the House of Ng. There was alot of food as usual! Even though, there was much less than the other time, it was still alot and there were plenty of leftovers. We had enchiladas with beans by fran, two types of shepherd's pie, fried rice, curry chicken, hotdogs, fried chicken parts, apple tart (the big type), pineapple tarts, chocolates, chocolate cake, cheese cake, jellies, cut fruits, baked rice with cheese, canadian pizzas (3 types), chips and plenty of drinks. There was even a counter filled completely with Evian water (!) (... ahhh water! my kind of drink...) and an ice box filled with canned drinks.

We all lounged around this 'function-type' of area, eating and talking, with the breeze blowing. It was all very nice and laid-back. Some people looked different, most of us stayed the same. And I guess Da wn said it right ... even though alot of things probably happened in our private lives, when we come together, we're still kind of the same. And I like it that way! Brit anny, who was rather quiet last time in class, was kind of different now. She's alot more chatty and really cool!.. with dyed hair and everything. Heheh, it could be Australia's influence on her. And best of all, she was super-gay friendly, cos after all, alot of people are open about their sexuality in Aussie land (according to her). I also found out that alot of people are working now, and it seems like more are going to join the raffles place crowd (yay!). Me and fran kidded around alot, and many of the PR girls were fixated with mel's baby sis. We all played hide and seek with her and I even got to carry her (albeit in a horrible manner... I can't carry kids for nuts). We also saw the little baby's room and it was so cute! Especially the tiny wood chair that she sits on. Then later, some of us went downstairs to play pool, and which we all sucked at.

There was still one person who irritated the hell out of me over there, and who hasn't learnt the meaning of tackfulness. But either way, that wasn't going to ruin my evening. And it was fun indeed! Just that I felt that everything seemed so short and so fast. All of a sudden, people were returning home and we were going our separate ways once more. It was so sad, and I wished we could have stayed and chatted awhile longer...


---------

Church was amazing today.

We had visiting pastors from the ex-MCC branch(metropolitan community church) in Longbeach, California. There are quite a few MCC churches in America, and it's essentially an all-inclusive kind of church. This pastor was a lesbian and she came with her partner of 20 years, who was also heavily involved in ministry and mission work. And just hearing her story of how they came together and their journey with each other and God was just inspiring. They met when at a young age, on a mission trip together. Fell in love, and still is until now. In fact, they just had their 20th anniversary celebration. The pastor had a passion, and that was to build bridges among christians, who are segregated in their own denominations and separate world views. Her partner's goal was to build all-inclusive churches all throughout asia and help the GLBT community, and they've build a few in Hongkong and Taiwan already.

Her message today was really powerful, but I didn't need a powerful message to believe in what she has to say. For their lives are already testimony to their commitment to God and to each other. Even some straight couples divorce after less than 10 years, some commit adultery. But for these two lesbians who have been faithful to each other for 20 years, working for God together... to me, that is a union that is strong and powerful. So sacred it can only be called marridge. And they have gone through a Holy Union ceremony.

There was one part of the sermon which struck a chord in me. And that was when she said she went to many healing sessions held by her pastor when she was younger, praying for her parents to accept her. Then as the minister was praying over her one day, it suddenly dawned upon her that her spiritual parents had accepted her already. God was her father and her mother, and God accepts her. And she shouldn't be bothered about what others thought of her... for she was already living for a higher order. And God's acceptance was all that matttered.... (her biological parents did accept her in the end)

----------

I think the notion that other mainstream christians might have, that you can't be gay and christ-like at the same time, would be shattered if they were here today. I've been both disgusted and astounded by people I've met in the gay community. For those who disgust me, I know I don't have to be like them. And I won't. For those that have made an impact on my life, their the reason why I still keep on going. And why I still believe. It's been said before, that the more gay people a straight person meets, the more they'll start seeing them in all their humanity, and their inner beauty. Then one day, you might ask yourself is it really true that God condemns such people? How could it be? When I've met more than one 'wa i t eng' in this place?

Most people think homosexuality is wrong cos they can only see the sex and the ugliness. They say it's unnatural, cos homosexual sex is unnatural. If that is the case, then the sole purpose and reason for sex is to procreate (and any other sex that is non-procreational is unnatural). But then, why do straight people have sex all the time without the goal of procreation in their mind? Aren't they having 'unnatural' sex too? Sex without conception of a child? And why isn't oral sex condemned in that case? I have never heard of a pastor who went up to the pulpit and preached against oral sex. I will only believe that 'sex is unnatural' point of view if it is coming from a catholic, cos that's what they really believe. If you're protestant and you tell me that, I would just be..... -_-. To me, God created sex for another reason too. And that is to celebrate the union of a marridge, to celebrate love when it has been sanctioned by God. And the only reason why gay people can't have that now in s'pore, is becos we aren't allowed to marry. But no matter, no longer, there is FCC here...and pastors from faraway America are helping too.

Cos you have to First Realise Everyone's Equal (in God's eyes) and that is what FCC stands for.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

A Nice Article about Love:


-----~~~~~-----

I once had a friend who grew to be very close to me. Once when we were sitting at the edge of a swimming pool, she filled the palm of her hand with some water and held it before me, and said this: "You see this water carefully contained on my hand? It symbolizes Love."

This was how I saw it: As long as you keep your hand caringly open and allow it to remain there, it will always be there. However, if you attempt to close your fingers round it and try to posses it, it will spill through the first cracks it finds. This is the greatest mistake that people do when they meet love...they try to posses it, they demand, they expect... and just like the water spilling out of your hand, love will retrieve from you.

For love is meant to be free, you cannot change its nature. If there are people you love, allow them to be free beings.

Give and don't expect...
Advise, but don't order...
Ask, but never demand...

It might sound simple, but it is a lesson that may take a lifetime to truly practice. It is the secret to true love. To truly practice it, you must sincerely feel no expectations from those who you love, and yet an unconditional caring."


... Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take; but by the moments that take our breath away.....

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

I don't need food in the pantry. I don't even need drinks other than water. I can work like a slave for you. (And I did that today - 10 hours)

Just give me cute girls yeah? And I'll be one happy employee. =) Cos Raffles Place is seriously a hotbed of chicks. There are so many pretty girls there! Everywhere I go, it's so easy to spot one. Now I realise what a sheltered place N J was... The working world is beautiful (at least skin deep hehe). Just think - G2000 and HUGO BOSS models.

Haha, I just realised that Audr ey works at the stock exchange just right across me. Yay! Shall set a lunch date with her soon.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Last night was terrible. I had a nightmare about getting back A level results. My first ever nightmare about that.

I had ACD. -_-

-----------

Today was a bloody interesting day!

During lunch, I brought my banana fritters to eat so I won't spend money. Then I decided it's time I stepped into that fantastic law firm that has free supply of tasty biscuits and hot female lawyers. Ying's law firm. Moreover, both my boss and immediate supervisor was out that day, so technically, there was no one looking after me! That means maybe I can take a longer lunch break =) So I trudged in the soggy rain, got myself lost on the way, until I finally reached the highest level of the NT UC building. Wow, the front reception area of the firm was breath-taking. Plush carpets everywhere, pastel colours. Sleek and minimalist. But the whole firm was huge! It took up 3 or 4 floors.

I walked in as though I knew the place. It was necessary cos after all, I wasn't supposed to be allowed in. I had to pretend that I actually worked there. As I slithered onto Ying's chair and the safety of her enclosed office cubicle, guess what greeted me on the table?



Alessandra.....yeahhh. =)





She was on the cover of the Victoria Secret's Catalogue.(!!!!) Apparently, today was my lucky day! Ying had a copy of the VS catalogue on her desk. So I flipped through the lava-melting pages and whoaaa... I haven't seen such good pics of her in a long while.... Lunch consisted of two cups of steaming hot liquid from the new drinks dispenser in the pantry (cappuccino and teh tarik), an apple and some Marks & Spencer biscuits. Although the sad fact remains that 'tan ya the hot' wasn't in the office, at least I had VS stuff to look at! Ying promised to bring more of her catalogues at home for me to check out the next time round. We spoke in hush whispers, and tried to gush over Alessandra silently haha. What a babe...

-------

Later after work, I went to Far East to get my hair cut and to visit SJ at Gucci Hilton (to check out the work place). Then later, we happened to bump into Hermy! At orchard MRT! Apparently he also works at Raffles Place! Yay, one more person to lunch with =). And at the same place? I spotted, right in my line of sight... kai and mel!!! Yay! What a sight for sore eyes! Good ole' sc company! Considering that kai was returning to Aussie land and not coming for class party, I was damn lucky indeed to be able to meet her before she flew off. Then, the other ying, jas and charm also materialised out of nowhere and suddenly, I was going to have dinner in a mini-pr reunion of sorts. I haven't seen some of them for months already! Some more than a year... And it was so interesting to know how people were doing now. Alot of people have found jobs. Well, actually, everybody had jobs already! And I found a second person at Raffles Place to lunch with =) So now there are 4 s c girls (from pr) in total working in the Raffles Place area, and we can all go eat during our breaks! Haha, it'll just be like recess in s c again. Somewhat.

We ate at a sushi restaurant, and I had alot of fun laughing. Gossip flowed, as usual. It seemed so typically sc. Then we had dessert later in the form of cheap but tasty $1 ice cream, followed by more chitchat at Burger King. In the end, we all left close to 12 am. I was damn shacked, but heck, for what it's worth, I had a great time hanging out with them today. Sigh...

I CAN'T WAIT FOR PR REUNION '06!!!! 5 DAYS MORE =)

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Tonight, we were at this charming little cafe by the river.

Fushion of italian and australian. In this place, you drink wine. There was a wine list and there definitely was a sommelier among the staff. The lights were dimmed. With indoors and al fresco sitting. There was a candle on the table, hibiscus flowers, and beautiful linen. Behind us was a floor to ceiling mirror, and to our left, a high shelf filled with classy wine bottles and books of food and art. The chairs were soft and the waitors were dressed in smart black. Lounge music played. The place was empty save for us.

Always subconsciously aware, the romantic cogs in my head had already started turning. I was noting down this place. It's never too early to prepare for the future.

"Actually hor, this place is very nice. I like the atmosphere. And not many people come also. See? The waitors are serving us only. Next time hor, you can... you know, book this place to yourselves, and then bring your girlfriend here for a surprise..."

I froze in my seat for just that split second. Too fast for you or me to catch anything different. Then in an instant again, I played it cool. But during that shock of a moment, my jaw had dropped to the floor ... all in my head of cos.

Then the next thought was...'My mother rocks.'

Ca PRI is coming back this friday. Oh my gosh.

I have not seen her in five, six years? And last time was not pleasant. I feel like I owe her an apology for my bull shit in Pr 6. Standing on the side of the homophobes, than by my childhood friend who was born in the same hospital as me (and that was how our families knew each other). Haha, not surprisingly, she can't believe it when ying told her I was like that too. I'm not afraid of distant friends finding out about who I am. But she is different, becos of my past homophobia towards her. I'm kind of ashamed cos I feel like I've betrayed my own kind, and now you tell me you're one too?? The world holds strange surprises for people. Oh well, things should be very interesting come lunch next friday. 1 hour lunch break is not enough to talk, I think there is alot of things to be said. Six years... it's been awhile.

And I wanna see kai too! Too bad she left for Australia. =(

Nevermind... cos right now, it's...


SIX DAYS COUNTDOWN TO PR GATHERING '06!!!!!
Life is sa-weet.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Went back for softball today.

Sigh, I miss it badly! The good ole' days of playing. Even though like last time. Everytime. I get nervous like shit while playing. Batting was pretty alright, becos if you face the pitcher that many times in your life. At one point, your hands learn to stop shaking, and your body goes into serious mode. In fact, I had more of a problem during batting today to 'wake my body up' and not be so 'sloth-ly' lethargic. Throwing suck becos (and I'd like to think that way haha)... the ball was wet. My style of throwing can be extremely disastrous if not controlled, becos it's the side throw instead of the more reliable overarm style. But hey, I can't help it. It hurts to change. I couldn't assess much about fielding. Despite what people say about the shortstop position, balls rarely come that way.

We had a friendly against N T U today. It was a much better plan than playing juniors v.s. seniors. Why? Cos in my opinion, it's always fun to have new people around. Besides, I was banking on the chance that the cute pitcher would be there. And yeap! I was right on target =) Me and na na played on the N T U side cos they didn't have enough people. I was made to play shortstop even though I haven't thrown, field or bat a ball in weeks. Of which the latest one was spent sitting spread-ass on a hard office chair, typing away in fear of making mistakes... in my little cubicle somewhere high above the ground. 17 floors to be exact. So I wasn't exactly in fitness mode at the moment. We both weren't. But what the heck! I had fun! Screwing up is all part and parcel of games, you get used to it (and your own mediocrity sometimes). But at least I had two hits on the ball.

The N T U people speak alot of chinese. There we were, N J Cians on one side, rattling off about our jobs and post-A levels activities, and there they were chattering in chinese. And I couldn't understand a single word they spoke haha! I tried to be sociable, after all, we are the hosts this time round. But only some of them were friendly. A few kept to themselves and their team. Oh well...



I also saw the canoeists run their marathon. 100 + rounds of the N J track. My heart goes out to those canoeist girls who are having their period and cramps at the moment. No matter how much you pay me, I will never go to that CCA. There's this element of brainwashing by the Muscle Machine which is sinister to me. It's a real nutcase. I couldn't help but shake my head when I watched them run. There are always certain limits that authority have on people, but I think it has crossed the line. But even if it was voluntary, it was probably peer pressure that made people run. Or the brainwashing that did it.

After the game, we sat around the grandstand and talk all sorts of bullshit among the seniors and teachers. That's one of the thing I love about softball, and it's our post-training laid back atmosphere at the grandstand. Where everyone's all grossed out and covered with mud, sitting and chatting like there wasn't a care or worry in the world. Laughing, giving and receiving jibes from each other, girls' team to boys' team. Slapping our cleets together, dirt flinging in all directions. Just sitting on the steps and chilling... I love that. And I guess that's one of the things that keep making me go back. There's something that can't replace the bonding and easy companionship in a team. Life can seem so simple sometimes...

You know, I've been thinking abit about the future. Cos now I've seen what an office looks like, how it works and the general atmosphere in there. And the future seems rather grey and uncertain. I doubt my boss is out. I'm not sure about that. Well, in law firms with their power plays and office politics, I seriously doubt so. Thus when the power woman lawyer asked me how I got the job, I caught my tongue when I realised I almost blurted out about church and how we both were from the same. Cos the next obvious question to materialise would be.. which church was it? I'm not about to give us away. There are more things at stake here than my job and salary.

Then I wondered about coming out to higher ups in school. Is it possible? Safe to do so? Today I spoke to ms L ing and it made me think. There are some teachers who are very easy to talk to becos you bond with them over CCAs and stuff. But you never know who they are. You never know what goes on in their heads and where they truly stand. How do you know who to trust? I know some teachers themselves are queer. But by the sheer fact that they work for the government, they generally have to take an offical anti-homosexuality stand. That or they do not talk about that issue cos it's controversial and they, as teachers, cannot speak freely. But then again, what the hell. I'm out of N J technically already. My testimonials been written, any change in opinion about elsa right now won't affect my university prospects. Right?

Today, coach's wife and Ms L ing were teasing me about the romantic prospects at work. They went on and on about guys etc. And I really didn't like how I had to sort of dodge the fact that there's really nothing. Yet, at the same time, trying not to sound too obvious that I had no interest in men right now. I don't want to be fake. Yet I ended up coming across sounding like I didn't like any of the office guys cos they are old, pot-bellied and ugly. That's just a cover-up for the real reason. I want to be open really. I might've even told L ing the truth, if not for the fact that coach's wife is there, and the N J C juniors and N T U girls are nearby.

I might've told L ing in private. Why you might ask? Cos I just don't like to hide truths from people about me. Especially if you're one of the teachers I value more in school. I know there's another teacher I might tell, and that would be Ms n g, the j1 econ teacher. Even though we had little contact in j2, I know she genuinely cares about her students. Especially when she helped me with my S papers appeal (and when I dropped them I felt like I've let her down in some way). Well, I know that if L ing knew she would definitely tell C hua, whom I will never let know if I was still in N J. But damn, I'm out of school now. And if she's shocked, I don't give a shit either. In fact, I might even get a little kick that I somehow disturbed her abit. Yeah, I have a love-hate relationship with C hua. If I get an A for math, I will forever be grateful for how she drilled me. But I don't like her attitude. She once made an unnecessary subtly negative remark about homosexuality. And as a homosexual, you never forget deregatory remarks about something close to you. Seriously, I don't think L ing would have a problem with it. But then again, I don't know. And by Murphy's Law, if the worst can possibly happens, it will. I've pictured worst scenarios in my head.

There are risks sometimes too large to take, when you're gay but you don't wanna hide that fact. And it's something that I'd have to carry with throughout my journey. The decision of who to tell. If I 'renounced' my 'sinful lifestyle and tastes' one day, I'll only be telling one extra lie. And that is, to myself that I am straight. Even though feelings may tell a different story.


Oh well, give and take.


Life's how you choose to live it...

Friday, January 06, 2006

http://popagandhi.com/

My jaw just drops everytime I read the way this person writes. It can just literally take your breath away (I actually gasped)... and then you realise what a shallow writer you yourself can be. Then I guess it's true, what I've been thinking, that I only write best when I've been through something. If not, it's just pure nonsense. But either way, this could be sc g s upbringing (I'm not sure) but I tend to admire and have the most respect for those who can really express themselves aptly. If you write/express well, my whole perspective of you can just be elevated to another class altogether. You don't have to sound 'cheem' or unique or sleek like that blogger above, but honesty is enough to get my attention. Pure simple english. It's an amazing thing to get a glimpse into a person's private world and find it so seemingly rich in words, even though it may not exactly be that way in real life.

Ahh, words... heheh. Am I being pure s c here?

----------

Either way, work has been much tougher than I expected. Mark wasn't kidding when he said it would be hard. (I refused to believe it when he said I would only feel settled in after a month). Actually, I've never felt so completely inadequate about myself before. It's like a whole new area of undiscovered flaws and weaknesses. I don't know. Maybe the work isn't that hard (get real it's just typing), and it's just that I really suck. Maybe. But either way, everyday I go to work full of optimism and hope that I won't screw up so much today. Everyday will be better and I will become more useful, that's what I tell myself. But then, some mistakes always happens and a few of them can be terribly infuriating. Then I go home worrying again about my performance of the day.

The thing that make this worse is that everyone at the office is already an expert at what they do. I'm the only temp in my department. My whole day is one non-stop work all through the hours. Lunch feels weird. Breaking and not doing anything feels extremely weird. Work is the only constant at the office. The pile on my table is always ominpotently present. Everyone else too is busy working, people don't really talk cos they're too busy themselves. And anyway, it's hell difficult to get to know people when the age gap is extremely wide, and you have absolutely no common ground. I was shocked at myself when I first started out. Like, how is it possible I can get so friendly and at ease with queer people. And striking up a conversation with a totally anonymous stranger is as easy as taking a poop? I know of cos it's becos of the fact that we have something majorly in common, and also, people are not busy and are around for the purpose of socialising. But here, in the office, I can't connect with other people through my sexuality (hell, I don't even know if my boss is 'out' so I have to shut my mouth about things obviously). Plus everyone's busy all the time. How in the world do I break the ice with anyone?

The only person who has been rather nice so far is the secretary I assist who has been extremely patient, and the only less than 30 years old (I think) person in the office besides me, who is a pupil of the lawyer. The problem is that I mostly talk to my secretary about work and questions etc. As for the pupil, she is (1) young, (2) nice, (3) quite sweet looking. Now I have a problem with such people. I realised that I can get extremely shy around girls like that, or any other good-looking girls for the matter. Cos my sexuality just flashes itself in my face when I see people like that, and I get reminded of the pitfalls of being too close/friendly to someone I could potentially like. In short, I get scared. In fact, I have absolutely no problem at all chatting up men. It's so damn easy. Maybe it's becos every sunday I'm surrounded by a troupe of gay men (of all types) and I socialise so much with them it feels like we're from the same species you know? I don't like how I'm now kinda more shy towards girls. It's like how girls are shy towards guys sometimes, and vice versa. So the lesbian in me is shy towards girls.

Sigh but work itself is the major stress factor... I'm quite alright with typing bills. But letters!!! It's just english! What could be so damn hard about that?? Well, see, I tend to type very fast.. so sometimes I make small, minute mistakes. If you forgot to leave a blank somewhere. Reprint. Forget to hyphen something? Reprint. Forget to type the correct reference number? Forget to fullstop a sentence? One alphabet missing? Not in capitals when it should be??? Reprint reprint reprint! One letter in the document wrong and that is all it takes for the boss to send back the memo and make you reprint. Now, this wouldn't be so bad if it was cheap lousy paper. But no, I'm printing on expensive letterheads that cost the firm 10cents per piece. So if I make alot of mistakes, it can be substantial. But that's not all! There is a whole lot of information that you're suppose to memorise and have at the snap of your fingertips. And that's why you have to note down information. But sometimes, it's just too many and too much of an overload that noting down doesn't really helps. For example, there are different ways to phrase letters for different companies. Sometimes, I phrase wrongly cos I'm not sure. There are different procedures for different companies. On top of that, file references numbers can be confusing and sometimes, you have to work on two files simultaneously, thus there's a tendency to type the wrong number in your letter.

Each day, 40% of the stuff or more, that I do, is completely new to me. And the old stuff I did the day before, I haven't really settled that in and registered that properly in my head yet cos I only did it once or twice. Therefore, a thousand times a day, I have to ask the secretary I'm working with how and what to do. She has to dictate letters to me becos I don't get 'lawyer speak' yet and have almost zero idea on how to phrase stuff (I come off sounding too laymen). I cringe everytime I make a mistake cos I know everything wrong costs money. I get pissed at the printer becos it's quite strange-acting sometimes, either not printing anything I sent or printing a million copies all of a sudden...all on expensive letterheads. The bill lady scolds me cos I made a mistake the first time I registered a bill. And it was quite traumatic cos that is the first time I've been lectured by a total stranger. I've never been scolded by a stranger before and I'd rather have CH Ua anytime to scream at me. I can take that.

I feel extremely small....in my cubicle.



---------

Oh well, things should get better I hope. Today, at least, I did talk a little bit more to the office people. The bill lady *shudder* actually initiated conversation in the toilet. Then later, I decided I should be nice to the person who has actually shown some personal interest in me (i.e. ask me questions about myself on my first day to work). It was that young pupil of the lawyer. I've actually been quite dao to her cos hell, I am emotionally lost and don't know how to act. So yeah, did make some small chit-chat and realised that she lives near me. Too near for comfort in fact, cos that means I might meet her during the journey to work (which I actually did today but was too chicken to go and say hi. She didn't realise we were on the same train). And best of all, I spoke to some total stranger in the office! In fact, it was one of the bigshot power woman lawyers (it doesn't help that they come in tall, imposing bodies). We were in the lift. And I was disturbed by my complete lack of guts compared to when I'm in my 'element' (ie. when I'm in a situation whereby my sexuality is out in the open). Suddenly, it just struck me that, "hey dude, you are an f-ing lesbian and if you dare to call yourself that and be who you want to be? Why the f are u so damn scared to do something so simple as talking to a stranger?". Yeah... that's kind of true I thought? Why should I be scared? There are things more scary than what I have to do now. So don't wait. Just do it.



"Hi, I don't know who you are yet, but I'm elsa...."
*extends a hand*

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

The Working World!!!!!....

.... is a mentally draining place. It's been really confusing and mental overload these two days. There is so much to learn, and commit to memory... alot of procedures to get right, and small little details are so important. Just one small little mistake and I have to retype/reprint stuff. This is obviously meant for meticulous people...but this ain't one of my traits!! Oh well, it'll force me to be more meticulous. No sloppy work here. Everything's got to be cookie-cutter perfect.

Most of my work is sit-down-kind of stuff. That means I sit down 70% of the time. When I have to walk, I am actually happy! Right now, my job scope consists of typing, printing, photocopying, filing, recording etc. In essence, I do paper work for the trademark process (it's law). At my cubicle, it's quite neat right now cos...well, I just started. I sit right next to the boss' secretary, who has been as patient as a saint with me so far haha, cos I ask so many questions.

You have to bring your own cup to office. There's coffee/tea and the usual stuff. I haven't discovered any snacks yet though, but that could be a good thing too. At least I won't eat and considering that I sit down for hours everyday (!), I can't afford the extra pounds. There is Lipton tea, and green tea (!). However, the green tea is in the upper drawers (cos it's more expensive and therefore more out of reach) and that ploy works. Cos I can't reach and I'm not about to try opening cupboards. Becos I don't dare and it's only the second day.

During lunch, I'll meet up with Ying cos she works around the corner. And since there are Marks & Spencer biscuits at her pantry, she sometimes sneaks them out for me haha! Oh man! Those biscuits are seriously gooood!! But then, the eye candy on offer during lunch is even better... I never knew that office workers could be such knock-outs! There were so many sleek, tall and beautiful girls all around. They're everywhere...

As for the people around the office... most of them are girls (Yay!). But most of them girls are old and not that good-looking (shit...). And I've discovered the hidden and lurking, sole, lesbian (before me) in the office. She's butch....Okay -_-. What a bummer.... How sad right? Of the whole troupe of hot babes around Raffles Place, almost none at my office??? I hope some Amazonian babe drops down from the sky and lands in the office tomorrow. I'm so jealous of Ying, cos there is this super beautiful young lawyer in her office, whose name is Tan ya.

T anya. Hmmm.

That sounds like a sexy name to me =) . In fact, names that end with A and have a consonant (including a vowel) before it, are my favourite kind of girl mames. (That and all the names of the girls I've fell for, even though now they may seem stupid on another person, another face, for that moment of infatuation, they're the sexiest names in the world). For example, nAdjA. I think Nadja is a super sexy name. And oh, of cos...





AlessAndrA.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Happy new year one and all!!

Actually, I wasn't that excited about the new year. Cos everything pretty much feels the same. My body still feels the same. All the usual aches and pains, and sad to say... fat. My schedule remains unchanged: Grand theft auto takes up 70% of my life. The other time is spent lounging around, exercising, or dreading the thought of exercising. It seems that 3rd Jan is more of a real start to me, becos it's my first day on the job and I'm quite curious about it. It'll also be the day of the Levi's Reunion dinner, which will be after work, and I'm looking forward to that too (I hope we lou hei).

And today, marked the first actual proper discussion about the youth group. We finally set down with pen and paper, and came up with a rough sketch of how the group would be like (e.g. potential names, mission statement points, our goals and activities, potential members, what's the next step to take etc etc). It was quite interesting cos it felt like project work and yet it's not project work?? Cos there's no grades or anything, and what we produce and the journey towards it, are the rewards themselves. Things are starting to take shape and I really hope that all goes well. Right now, it's still the easy part.

Last year we spent new year's eve counting down with the classmates at some CC celebration. This year, I was at the Padang watching fireworks with Mom and her friends. Before that we had some steamboat dinner at their house and I amused myself with the family's chihuahua. When it 'gripped' my hand with its teeth for a split second, that was the moment I tired of the dog and backed off. Heheh, the chihuahua barked the whole time we were at their house! But it was rather cute still, in a 'paris hilton/tai-tai-ish' kind of way.

Actually, I was quite sad cos I couldn't go for Je an's party. Quite a few church people and a whole bunch of gay girls went there. Apparently jeremy said that there were a lot of 'hot girls'. And if a gay guy says a girl is hot, you know for sure that the girl must be hot. Otherwise, he wouldn't be moved! Dang. I missed out man. Majorly.


Oh well, the new year has arrived. Counting down to the day we get back our A level results and when my official SATs scores come in....