- Okay... here's goes..
Quite sullenly and very glum, we went for christmas service. Me and mom. Somehow, the whole fact that mom was coming along made me kinda dread christmas service, becos there would probably be many skeptical questions raised, intrusive probing, and alot of restraint towards my other friends on my part. Heck, I was practically mute or either 'whisper-y' that night. But then, it was necessary to bring her along. After all, what better time to introduce her to FCC? I had high hopes after all, that everything will turn out fine. But I could've been more realistic... Oh well...
When we reached the Arts House, I didn't really want to be seen with mom. Heheh, call me bad or anything but it was just so jarring and weird for me to suddenly bridge the extremely 'straight world' with the gay one. More so, it was just so discomforting to know that whoever I'm going to speak to, my mom will ask about them later. It was just all very weird. Went up the staircase with the gazillion church ushers, and at the landing of the balcony area, I met the first gay person I had to introduce mom to (cos I know him).
"Hey elsa.", said Mark a little too loudly. I was quite shocked that I jabbed him in the stomache. But it seemed like mom didn't realise, she was making her way to the seats already. After some 'hush-hush' chit-chat with mark, I joined Mom. It was obvious this was all very new and strange to her. Cos when your mom sits bolt-right up, with neck craning to take in all the people around her (who's gay here and who isn't?...hmmmm), eyes darting left, right, down below. Gosh, I felt like all the time, there was a judging system in place and I was being graded. Right now, the score is scarily uncertain.
Then the service started. I told her about the boss, who was very conveniently co-leading the worship. This service to me was amazing for one very strong reason: There was a prose recital... by Christine Suchen Lim, the local writer. I've never heard of prose recitals, only poetry recitals, but my first prose recital just blew me away. Not just for the fantastic delivery, but for it's subject matter. It was a story told from the perspective of a mother, about her gay son. And when I heard the story, it just felt as though God made all this happen, that in the end, I was meant to bring mom here to hear this story. So that maybe she can understand a little bit more of how I feel, of the things that can't be said in words, or are too difficult to express. The whole hall was quiet... as she spoke... and you could literally hear a pin drop. The congregation was probably 70+% queer, and this story obviously meant alot to them, as it did to me. And when the story ended, it felt as though a real life dream had ended, and the entire congregation literally erupted in the longest ever applause I have ever ever ever heard in my life. It lasted for what seem like an eternal 5 minutes, all the way from when the author left the podium, walked back to her seat, and gained a few hugs and kissses along the way.
I wish any of you could've been there. It would have blown you away as it did me. On a completely artistic point of view, it just hit all the right spots. Atmosphere, delivery, subject matter, climax. Wonderful. It was a truly beautiful story. More so if you're queer and you know so acutely the emotions in the story. It was so moving I cried. Have you ever heard someone tell you a story that made you cry? I did. And it was evident that mom cried too. I hoped it was a good thing. I really hoped then that it was a good thing...
Later there was a Nativity play with a twist, followed by more christmas singing and the sermon... and then the service ended. And that's when, my feared 'nightmare' was suppose to begin, becos now was buffet dinner time and that means we have to socialise. The moment I left my seat, kavin came and gave me a hug plus wishes of merry christmas, then I was obliged to intro him and did a quickie at that. Mom smiled and nodded. Later at the buffet spread, we were some of the first to arrive and I didn't want to eat too much cos I wanted to leave. Like, as soon as possible. It was quite unbearable already having your mom around, whom you know deep down dissaprove of what you're doing. And it's also doubly unbearable to have to acknowledge carelessly and mildly, those other gay people who know you and are smiling and waving at you, but you just give back a little smirk from your downcast head... or a little wave back from the hand at your waist. And you do that cos you don't want to alarm the mother and let her realise that *shock/gasp*, 'my innocent daughter who 'doesn't know what she's doing', has met so many gay people....Now, who are all these gay people and what are they're backgrounds?'. I could just see the questions going through her head. It was socially unpleasant.
We took our food and sat inside the cafe. Then this guy, who happened to be an old friend of my mom (a colleague or something) suddenly came over and asked us, 'So what brings you here?' FCC christmas service is so obviously gay becos the church people leading the service made it clear that it was accepting of people regardless of their homosexuality and that there were plenty of gays and lesbians in the crowd. My mom tried to deflect his question and said that she just wanted to 'see something new'. But I guess... that he could guess accurately that mom was here for her daughter (if you know what that implies), cos later when she was away, he remarked that I was very young. So mom had her mysterious friend as company for dinner, while I kept as mute as a fish and concentrated on the food. I must've looked like the 'guai-est' person in the room. During the moments mom left to get more food, some of the Levi's guys past me by and I felt like I could finally breathe and talk normally! Kavin said I looked 'very stressed' and Dickson said it was a good step that I was taking, and so on and so forth...
After awhile, we were eating when jeremy suddenly swooped down and kissed me on the cheek. I was like... whoa... I hope mom didn't see that and get alarmed. Either way, she didn't seem to have realised and was introduced to his mom and brother too. Pleasantries were exchanged while I kept my silence. For some reason, I just couldn't bring myself to say anything when the gay and straight world had just collided so acutely in my face. Not in front of mom. At this point, it got quite literally unbearable and I needed serious moral support. So I left mom by herself and went to talk to the Levi's guys, and finally unloaded some stress on them. Soon after, we left and walked out into the night...
And that was probably the first time my mom had an idea of what I've been doing the past few months. A very sketchy idea indeed.
And it has been absolutely draining on me to type this. I shall stop.
elsa | 10:20 PM
| comments
...............
...............