- I have told my mother.
It is not good. Oh well, nobody said it would be easy, and I never expected it to be. You can't expect a resolution in 15 minutes. Some parents take two years or even more. Some have never reached the point of real acceptance but for what it's worth, they accept enough cos they love their kids and that was the greater issue.
I was hoping that tears would move her. Not that it was difficult to cry at all. When she told me she wanted me to change, it was all that took to bring back the horrors and the pain. Of all the bad things I've anticipated, this could possibly be one of the worse scenarios. The 'homosexuality is sin' issue. There are times I wished my mum wasn't christian, and blasphemous as that sounds, put yourselves in my shoes k? It makes it all the harder for us to reach a resolution. It requires alot of exhausting, thoroughly exhausting explanation, and it's something I really don't want to go through again. All that arguement and convincing. This would probably make the transition, from shock to acceptance, drag on for goodness knows how long. But I guess in the end, I am counting on love. That she will love me enough to accept me for who I am. And by 'accept' I mean real, genuine acceptance. Not some fake, on-the-surface, 'I love you for who you are' but fervent praying behind my back for me to change. No. By acceptance means that she has no issues with me being lesbian at all. I would have to talk to the counselor for help on this.
I wish she would be like John's mum. Maybe in time that will come. At least she didn't scream or shout or cry or anything. In fact, my situation is nothing compared to the lesbian who was thrown out of her home at age 19, with nothing but the clothes on her back and $500 in her pocket (her story of survival is amazing). But we did quarrel, as inevitable as it is. I didn't tell her about my gay friends, or church or the youth group either. That would shock her and she would probably scream. All those will come to her in time. And I guess the saying that 'parents don't understand their teenaged kids' is kinda true. There was so much trouble trying to connect with her, to make her understand that 'I've already struggled'. In me, it's resolved. I've thought through the issues. But she can't see it. Oh well, at least it's not that bad. And I feel that little bit freer. The cage is slowly being cut down. Bit by bit. It make take me years, but for what it's worth, I love the feeling of being able to 'breathe'.
It's a journey you know? Coming out is a lifelong process. But everytime you do it, the more you grow and the less 'conflicted' you become. The more you come out, the more you're real. Cos there is lesser pretense and there is no 'facade' that you portray to the world.
There is a light at the end of that tunnel. And I will get there.
elsa | 11:16 PM
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