- Here's an honest to God post.
I'll just be very frank here. It's something I've wanted to say for a very long time already. But only mel seemed like the sole person who would hear it and not judge me. But you know? What the hell, I'm out of N J now. So hear goes...
[In N J, there are many things I cannot say to alot of people, even those I consider 'close' to me. And the simple reason is that even though they are my friend and everything, the fact remains that they feel that homosexuality is wrong. So therefore it's very hard to tell them about my gay world outside, for the very reason that people might judge. Here's an analogy: If a smoker was to tell you about the joys of smoking, would you believe him? If you like shopping, would you talk about shopping and MANGO and sales to a person like me, who doesn't really like shopping? You wouldn't right? So sometimes, it feels like if I were to say something positive about the gay community, people might view it with skepticism. If I say something negative, they might latch on it and think of it as a good reason for me to change. But that's just what goes on in their heads. On the outside, I don't want to put them in a spot by discussing about topics which are sensitive. So the best course of action is just to keep quiet.
I've tried some stuff, like bring people to FCC in the hopes of talking to them later. But it only worked with SJ. And that's about it. There's an insane need in me to discuss other girls, but unfortunately our class guys don't seem to discuss girls very much (not to the extent of s5b). In fact, they don't seem to discuss girls at all, or at least the ones I'm closer to. If there were more straight people who had no problems with homosexuality... well heheh, I think I'll be real happy then.]
You know, the truth is, the gay community in s'pore is not a rosy picture . Yes, I've met wonderful people from church, from the gay library and the counsellors. Alot of opportunities have come by becos I've met these people. I got a pretty good paying job through Mark, gmail accounts from Gordon, great pals to just chill with like Xav, an offer to get into acting (haha me?) from jeremy, and cousellor friends who seriously, prolly make the best friends in the world if you have a problem (after all they're trained to listen to others). And so much help from the counsellors for the youth group, which I had expected to be exceedingly difficult to start up cos only youths will be doing it. But this is only a teeny tiny bit of the community. I'm only in the 'safe' and 'wholesome' part of it which also includes queer sports groups, adult support groups, gay activisim etc). The rest of gay culture is clubbing, online personals etc etc. That's really not my thing. Especially the clubbing, smoking and drinking. I can see why some people who are or 'were' gay can get turned off. Becos if this is what gay culture is like. There seems to be no future. Especially when in S'pore you can't get married, start a family as a gay couple. There are no GLBT community centres to help queer people deal with their issues, meet new friends. What's more, you have a homophobic government that causes supreme frustration for the average gay or gay activist. It sucks to be gay in s'pore. Period.
Then you might ask me. If that's the case, why don't I change? And be straight and have a 'better life' like the rest? Well then my answer would be: It's not homosexuality that I have a problem with per se, it's the gay culture in s'pore. Gay people in other countries have much happier lives. They are entitiled to much more rights, have more freedom and the culture is above all, much more 'wholesome', that what we have in s'pore. Heck, do you know in many western countries there are Gay-straight alliances, or GLBT clubs in high schools and universities? Do you have any idea at all how infinitely helpful that would be for a troubled gay teen? There are many churches in the west which are accepting of homosexuality. FCC in spore is such a small place really. It's not enough. Given the circumstances here, I'm not surprised that queer teens are scared into turning straight. And alot of people have a bad impression of homosexuality in general becos of what they see in gay culture.
Well, there's just one thing that defines gay people. And that is, we love differently. That is all there is to homosexuality. Not the culture. It does not represent homosexuality. I don't want people to have the wrong idea that becos gay culture is not exactly healthy, it means that being gay itself is not healthy.
I could just emigrate overseas you know? I might be happier as a gay person there. If there is anything that is truly a choice in my opinion, about homosexuality: is that you either choose to accept youself for who you are, or you suppress your feelings. It is either to hurt within yourself or struggle against the 'outside world' at odds with you. It's not easy being gay. Anyone who disagrees is lying. There's so much bullshit you have to take from society, from religions, from the government, even from your loved ones. But maybe that's how I feel now in my environment. In singapore. But the thing is, I've decided long ago that if others have issues with my homosexuality, then its their problem. Not mine. That's how I resolve my issues with those who have issues with me. Also, the reason why gay culture in s'pore sucks right now is becos of society/authority that does not give space to us. If only all this was changed...
Queer youth in s'pore don't have it good. They either struggle and stay closeted, or come out totally, or they get sucked into clubbing/smoking/drinking culture (cos that's all there is in this country). But don't worry, cos I know for sure I'll never become like that. Never. The only thing that separates me from straight people is my sexuality. I don't ever want to sink into the culture, cos I believe you don't have to go into it to be gay. It doesn't mean you have to be part of it.
Hai, am truly on the crest of uncertainty... But today, my mom told me that no matter what, all she wants is my happiness and that she will love me for who I am. Even though I know that she secretly hopes for me to change, that is all that I need to hear already. I'm glad I've done it. Like a heavy weight has been lifted off your shoulders. Although she still doesn't know much, for what its worth, this is a start already. And I can only keep on going...
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