Friday, December 30, 2005

I'm utterly sick of Orchard.

Been going there for goodness knows how many times already... these past few days. The last time I went there, the whole family car was caught in a jam around the orchard area for about 45 minutes trying to find a parking spot. Heck, the moment we entered an open air carpark, it took us 20 minutes to get out.

That, and also, I've been engaging in a lot of typical sc 'tai-tai' activities. That means, eating brunch and chatting. Like how british women sip tea around the garden and chat about the weather. But oh, it's so good to catch up finally with the ole' girls! At cedele, at breko in Holland Village It's as though everything was sec4 again, and it was so easy to talk to them. Sigh, for that reason alone I hold sc very close to my heart.

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Ahh, after a verry long time, I finally got to meet the counsellor again. And man, this is really serious business. I have just realised that daunting mountain of things I have to do to make this materialise. Nothing's as simple as it seems, and it'll be a long way before I can finally achieve the 'rosy-cosy' level of the youth group I have in my head. Plus, this is totally unfamiliar territory, and I'm both excited yet scared at the same time. Yeah sure, I've headed a team before but what do I know about leading a youth group? Nothing. And that means I have alot of learning to do. I know how easily discouraged I can get sometimes, but not now. Not this one... failure is not an option. If it happens, I have to try again. Becos of all the lost dreams in the world, this is one of those that are not frivolous nor impossible. And if I let it go, I know more than anything that it would be a terrible waste. I don't wanna look back and regret, becos I never tried hard enough or I never put in enough effort. Everything's a matter of how much I want it. Just like running for softball... I wanted it more than anything and that was all it took. Determination. *roll up your sleeves people it's time to make things work!*

"You know how big this can get?". Yeah I know. But there are times the gravity of things have yet to sink in... Am truly on the crest of uncertainty, but no matter, I'm thankful beyond words for the help of the counsellor. Heheh, this would be nothing without her. Without any sort of guidance.


God give me strength.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Okay... here's goes..

Quite sullenly and very glum, we went for christmas service. Me and mom. Somehow, the whole fact that mom was coming along made me kinda dread christmas service, becos there would probably be many skeptical questions raised, intrusive probing, and alot of restraint towards my other friends on my part. Heck, I was practically mute or either 'whisper-y' that night. But then, it was necessary to bring her along. After all, what better time to introduce her to FCC? I had high hopes after all, that everything will turn out fine. But I could've been more realistic... Oh well...

When we reached the Arts House, I didn't really want to be seen with mom. Heheh, call me bad or anything but it was just so jarring and weird for me to suddenly bridge the extremely 'straight world' with the gay one. More so, it was just so discomforting to know that whoever I'm going to speak to, my mom will ask about them later. It was just all very weird. Went up the staircase with the gazillion church ushers, and at the landing of the balcony area, I met the first gay person I had to introduce mom to (cos I know him).

"Hey elsa.", said Mark a little too loudly. I was quite shocked that I jabbed him in the stomache. But it seemed like mom didn't realise, she was making her way to the seats already. After some 'hush-hush' chit-chat with mark, I joined Mom. It was obvious this was all very new and strange to her. Cos when your mom sits bolt-right up, with neck craning to take in all the people around her (who's gay here and who isn't?...hmmmm), eyes darting left, right, down below. Gosh, I felt like all the time, there was a judging system in place and I was being graded. Right now, the score is scarily uncertain.

Then the service started. I told her about the boss, who was very conveniently co-leading the worship. This service to me was amazing for one very strong reason: There was a prose recital... by Christine Suchen Lim, the local writer. I've never heard of prose recitals, only poetry recitals, but my first prose recital just blew me away. Not just for the fantastic delivery, but for it's subject matter. It was a story told from the perspective of a mother, about her gay son. And when I heard the story, it just felt as though God made all this happen, that in the end, I was meant to bring mom here to hear this story. So that maybe she can understand a little bit more of how I feel, of the things that can't be said in words, or are too difficult to express. The whole hall was quiet... as she spoke... and you could literally hear a pin drop. The congregation was probably 70+% queer, and this story obviously meant alot to them, as it did to me. And when the story ended, it felt as though a real life dream had ended, and the entire congregation literally erupted in the longest ever applause I have ever ever ever heard in my life. It lasted for what seem like an eternal 5 minutes, all the way from when the author left the podium, walked back to her seat, and gained a few hugs and kissses along the way.

I wish any of you could've been there. It would have blown you away as it did me. On a completely artistic point of view, it just hit all the right spots. Atmosphere, delivery, subject matter, climax. Wonderful. It was a truly beautiful story. More so if you're queer and you know so acutely the emotions in the story. It was so moving I cried. Have you ever heard someone tell you a story that made you cry? I did. And it was evident that mom cried too. I hoped it was a good thing. I really hoped then that it was a good thing...

Later there was a Nativity play with a twist, followed by more christmas singing and the sermon... and then the service ended. And that's when, my feared 'nightmare' was suppose to begin, becos now was buffet dinner time and that means we have to socialise. The moment I left my seat, kavin came and gave me a hug plus wishes of merry christmas, then I was obliged to intro him and did a quickie at that. Mom smiled and nodded. Later at the buffet spread, we were some of the first to arrive and I didn't want to eat too much cos I wanted to leave. Like, as soon as possible. It was quite unbearable already having your mom around, whom you know deep down dissaprove of what you're doing. And it's also doubly unbearable to have to acknowledge carelessly and mildly, those other gay people who know you and are smiling and waving at you, but you just give back a little smirk from your downcast head... or a little wave back from the hand at your waist. And you do that cos you don't want to alarm the mother and let her realise that *shock/gasp*, 'my innocent daughter who 'doesn't know what she's doing', has met so many gay people....Now, who are all these gay people and what are they're backgrounds?'. I could just see the questions going through her head. It was socially unpleasant.

We took our food and sat inside the cafe. Then this guy, who happened to be an old friend of my mom (a colleague or something) suddenly came over and asked us, 'So what brings you here?' FCC christmas service is so obviously gay becos the church people leading the service made it clear that it was accepting of people regardless of their homosexuality and that there were plenty of gays and lesbians in the crowd. My mom tried to deflect his question and said that she just wanted to 'see something new'. But I guess... that he could guess accurately that mom was here for her daughter (if you know what that implies), cos later when she was away, he remarked that I was very young. So mom had her mysterious friend as company for dinner, while I kept as mute as a fish and concentrated on the food. I must've looked like the 'guai-est' person in the room. During the moments mom left to get more food, some of the Levi's guys past me by and I felt like I could finally breathe and talk normally! Kavin said I looked 'very stressed' and Dickson said it was a good step that I was taking, and so on and so forth...

After awhile, we were eating when jeremy suddenly swooped down and kissed me on the cheek. I was like... whoa... I hope mom didn't see that and get alarmed. Either way, she didn't seem to have realised and was introduced to his mom and brother too. Pleasantries were exchanged while I kept my silence. For some reason, I just couldn't bring myself to say anything when the gay and straight world had just collided so acutely in my face. Not in front of mom. At this point, it got quite literally unbearable and I needed serious moral support. So I left mom by herself and went to talk to the Levi's guys, and finally unloaded some stress on them. Soon after, we left and walked out into the night...

And that was probably the first time my mom had an idea of what I've been doing the past few months. A very sketchy idea indeed.




And it has been absolutely draining on me to type this. I shall stop.

It's been awhile.

Christmas? Oh well, I'm feeling rather lazy to blog about it. Actually, a lot of things happened... and after christmas too.

But I'm just quite lazy.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Ugh... Am sick. There is a pile of crumpled tissues on the table. A mug of orange juice on the opposite side. In fact, I've been alternating between drinking orange juice and honey/apple cider since the morning, in an effort to 'kill the bug'. The only activity was absolutely sloth-y. GTA on the comp and lounging around with tissues as companions. Pretty much that. What a way to spend christmas eve huh? No major dinner either, cos I can't take it anyway and the parents aren't cooking.

Ugh..

I really hope I get better tomorrow. If not, I can't go for christmas service. Which totally sucks on two accounts (a) I can't get to see what happens (b) I really want to bring my mom for this. Oh well....Power of prayer! I can get better!! Please..

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Fantasies. Haha. Been talking with a few select people and read some blogs, and seems like Dav likes to fantasise alot. Haha! Actually, I think it's more like this: Dav is more open about herself than many people. Cos I have a feeling that people actually fantasise on a rather substantial scale. I know I do (My sc teachers used to say I daydream alot). Just that we never tell other people about them cos they can be so inane, ridiculous or plain pompous.

Don't you fantasise alot yourself?

By 'fantasies' I don't mean the sexual kind. I mean those about your future, or your present, or 'alternate versions' of reality now (which means 'your present'. what the hell I'm repeating myself). Fantasies can be different but they usually center around a few key themes: love, self-glorification, power, wealth etc. Sometimes they overlap. I have tons of fantasies haha... and it's amplified by the fact that I play computer games. In computer games, it's a whole new alternate reality. And that makes it incredible fodder for the imagination. For example, I used to have a fantasy that I was a succubus from Diablo. A succubus is some sexy female demon, with bat wings, claws, red eyes and is usually naked or g-stringed (No bras. Demons don't wear bras). And me, the sexy succubus is going to seduce another sexy succubus in Hell. Haha, it was extremely lame. Movies and novels too, feed my(our) fantasies. How many times have you stepped out of an action movie and imagined yourself as the killer-good-looks hero/heroine?

I used to have a lot of fantasies about 'hiding'. In other words, I'm not just the simple student you know. In fact, I have some massive explosive secret in me. I was actually someone special. Kind of like spiderman you know? Student by day, hero by night or something. That 'other me' could be a martial arts expert, some ordinary kid with secret talent, a superhero. Or actually a boy. Yeah, and the day I was revealed to be a boy meant that I could finally go after girls. You know, I think that particular fantasy hinted of my wanting to 'come out' and reveal myself. Cos I had it when I was in Secondary school and was still in denial then. And I guess some fantasies do come true. Even though of cos I'm not a boy, but I'd think that 'boy' was a more like a metaphorical image of that 'real person' hidden inside. There was also another fantasy that came true for me. I always wanted to be softball captain and I did make it in the end. But I never fantasised about what it was like being captain, I only fantasised about becoming captain. So actually, I didn't really dwell on and develop that softball fantasy And for that I realised one thing, along with other fantasies, is that... whatever you imagine your future to be, does not come true most of the time. Especially elaborate, detailed fantasies. In fact, it seems like if I imgaine it, I'll jinx it and it won't ever happen.

And I guess most people also fantasise about this: what love is like. I used to have 'The Blue Lagoon'-style fantasies. Like me and another girl is marooned on a remote tropical island, and since I'll be her only companion for all eternity, she has no choice but to love yours truly. Haha! Evil heh? And somehow, the 'other girl' always looks like some current hot model that I was crushing on. Right now, 'she' looks like A. A.. Sometimes, there would be intruders in the form of tribal cannibals or foreign pirates, but these were only distractions (think: tanned muscular bods). Love fantasies are usually my favourite. They are fun to imagine!

Then we have fantasies about our future. What we'd be working as... I always envisioned myself as disgustingly rich. *picture dollar signs etched onto my eyeballs* And I became rich through either being a great business woman, fashion designer (so I can get close to hot models too), or through some other fabulous means.

But then, my most outrageous and craziest fantasy is this: In the future, I've become an expert in Mandarin and I travel around China in search of my roots and family tree. That I actually loved chinese culture and Cai Lao Shi was so proud. That is the most 'cocked-up' fantasy ever. I have no idea what overcame me to actually wish my future to be like that...

Well, anyway, pardon moi, but a tiger is about to eat my dear Alessandra and I have to save her with my mighty spear... Rrrraaooow!!

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Went shopping with Mindy today, besides the dental appointment...

And I must say, heheh, I'm amazed my ankles didn't fail on me this time. In fact, it didn't feel that tiring. Maybe its becos while waiting for the dentist in the middle of the outing, I fell completely asleep on the couch. But either way, today was rather productive! Since it was mostly sale everywhere, I got to buy some really cheap stuff: two tops and a pair of flats for less than $50 total. Had nice sushi too! We talked alot of bullshit and I heard rather interesting stuff, haha, and I laughed a hell lot too! Sigh... I'm beginning to miss days like this and school even more right now... Felt completely sticky, icky and tired upon reaching home. And 'dirty' too with all the fried squid, chicken, and chocolate eclair in me. Oh well, at least there's softball tomorrow! That equals = mild exercise.


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This is not good. I've told mom about FCC. She's not taking it very well. What the hell.

Whatever. Don't wish to talk about it. Am in no mood.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

We finally (phew) had our Sec1 nerds gathering today!! With Sam, Gayle, Ros and me.

Wow it's been such a loong time since I saw Gayle and it was so damn fun to just chill and catch up with the PR girls. Had brunch at Cedele's where we ordered this fantastic breakfast meal and sublime, 'comfort food' type of mushroom/chicken/veggie soup. Oh, and becos I was the 'butcher' and cut so much bread, I ate most of it (!). Damn. Nite cycling down the drain. But that wasn't it! After that we went shopping around and the places where we shopped the most was food stores! We stopped at ice cream stalls (and ate ice cream). Then later when Sam left, we went to this sushi restaurant with a sushi/sashimi counter in front and ate some more. Then, we entered Cold Storage and window shopped there for a good half hour, coming out with free ice cream samples and Gayle and Ros bought some chilli snacks. And lastly, we entered Food Junction and tried the prata with cheese and ham. I also drank teh halia. Haha, today was pure gluttony! This ain't a far cry from the way Ying and I operate when we hang out, cos everything we do is centred around food, food and more food. Sigh, I love my PR, cos we have so much in common.

I laughed a hell lot too, with Gayle and Ros fooling around and we doing spastic things in Cold Storage. Heard of some gossip and chitchat about a whole lot of random stuff. Oh, and for the little actual clothes shopping that we did, I bought a kaki skirt. With 20% discount sponsored by the three of them as a christmas present to me! Thank you all!! You gals rock, haha! Merry Christmas dearies! Sadly, after hanging out for like half a day, Ros had to leave... But that won't be the end! Cos next week, we might get to meet Chalene! Chalene!! Oh my gosh how I miss Chalene. She is one of the rare few people in this world, whom if you don't hold on to as a friend....You will never know how wonderful and beautifully nice people can be. There will be more eating(!) at Holland V and Narnia to watch. That and also the other mini-PR gathering that we'll be having with Ying and company. Yayee! Christmas time is starting to look really wonderful....


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*Takes deep breathe* I've decided to heed the advice of a few people. Momma needs to know soon and I think the time is now. Since it seems like nobody I invited can make it for FCC christmas service, maybe I shall invite mom. It should be quite positive cos it's a major event and 300+ people are expected to turn up, all the church friends will be there, and with all the many activities lined up... it might even be nicer than the service at her own church. Besides, if Peggy or Susan gets to talk to her, I think she might leave with a positive impression about the church itself. The other gay guys should easily make a positive impression on her as normal, friendly people. So she won't think I'm hanging out with scum. And anyway, my boss will be there. Talk about an exceedingly positive impression. Oh my gosh oh my gosh... I really don't know how it'll turn out exactly, but then again...

.. it's christmas day =) And God's love will be everywhere!

Monday, December 19, 2005

Connections mean everything.

And what better example is shown by A cj c? Eh? My sister was posted to SA for the first 3 months junior college. Today, my mom who knows all 3 previos ac principals, just talked to the current one for 10-12 minutes and now, my sister has a confirmed spot in ac. Appeal? Heheh, that is just for show, just to go through 'the motions'. It doesn't matter if she gets in now through the legitmate process, cos dude, 'higher powers' are at work.

Damn, isn't mummy a genius? "The world is like that.", she says...

I'm so thoroughly shacked. Nite trek was a killer. A butt and thigh fat killer. And that's good news actually for the fat fighter. But... still. It hurts.

Before nite trek was the Levi's Christmas Party. It was at kavin's studio, and it was damn nice! All zen-like and minimalist. The whole place was decorated up, with baubles and twirly confetti, and even a christmas tree. It was potluck and people brought ham, fried rice, beehoon, two types of chicken, my cookies and some incredibly tasty eggnog! My gosh, eggnog is really good. It's like this smooth tiramisu like cream with an alcoholic kick, topped with nutmeg powder. I also tried absolute peach vodka which tasted great with F&N apple or something.

Later we had the gift exchange game whereby everyone plays truth or dare, before they can get their present. And seriously, playing truth or dare with a bunch of 20s something to 40s something gay men reveals alot of scandals and sordid details, that had everyone squealing in delight. Haha! I laughed like crazy, and Kavin and Tony made it even funnier. It seems like everyone had their own outrageous story, and bit by bit, the world seemed to get more and more colourful the more I heard. As for myself, I found myself with a rather appropriate gift for me (a graphic novel comic book, which I like reading especially the Sandman series). Pretty cool christmas present! The present I brought to the exchange was Levi's (get it?) Men's underwear. Sadly I had to leave early cos it was time for the...

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Nite trek!!

Oh my gosh. Fantastic crowd we had this time. Ivan, Se rjin, Rich ard, me, man da, Mindy (yoohoo! Are you seeing this?), Xia oniu!!!!, Wee si ang. More guys than girls this time! We rented bikes at ECP and had a whole route in mind, all through the nice parts of S'pore. Okay, I shall try to compress this epic in a few choice words. Let me just say that: We cycled a hell lot till my thighs burn and my knees ache, and my butt was 'unfeelable'. We had a couple of near-death experiences brought on by 'rosemary'. Richard and Xiao ni u were the heroes of the day with their faultless and important navigation. I was a mere tag-a-long and sole basket bearer.

Along the way we had many 'pit stops' to go toilet, rest and drink. Photos taken were few though. Sometimes we were near a 7-11 and people bought iced coffee to drink. And whenever the girls drank coffee, there seems to be a sudden spike in laughter and nonsense spilling out from us. Heheh, coffee really has some magical effect cos the 'delirium' seem to come on immediately after drinking some java. And surprisingly! A level still affects us, cos 1-2 months after we've taken it, we're still cursing about the papers and the tough questions. We also ate at Boon Tong Kee (good) and Glutton Bay (bad), sat on numerous stone benches, side walks, pavements etc. Either way, most of the time, we (the girls) just wanted to sit down. Period. But not on the foul bikes!

Actually, with my sling pouch, cap, shorts and singlet, I felt extremely 'auntie-like' and unglam. But what the hell, my body was already in prime shut-down condition and I couldn't care less. In fact, it seems like everybody couldn't care less cos we were all so unkempt in our casual clothes.


Later in the morning when we returned our bikes and everyone slowly slipped away home from our last 'pit stop' of MacDonalds, it dawned upon me that this is really it. As in really it. End. Finito. The last time I can really see my N J mates before next year. And even though, you may say that next year is not a long time away, eveyone's gonna be so busy. The boys will be in army, the girls will be working. We'll all be caught up in our hectic lifestyle and swept away in the current of personal commitments, it'll be rare indeed if we ever meet up. It was so difficult to get many people to go for nite trek already, during this holiday period. What more next year then? When people have their own personal plans? Sigh... I've probably whined about this many times but yeah.. somehow, I don't really want to move on into new things? I just wish I could stay in here a little longer and enjoy it again. Like ole' times.

This is so cliched but truly, life gets more complicated as you grow older. And it seems like things are getting harder and harder to cling onto. I hope at least I can come away from N J, with some close friends to carry on for life. I'm not sure if that is possible, becos you'll never know what obstacles the future holds and all that uncertain crap. But I'd still like to think that it can happen... Yeah...

Oh gosh. Things can get so crazy sometimes. And right now, in a blink of an eye, I am once again afloat. Waiting on the station platform for the next train to carry me away.. to another realm and another time.




Life is moving too fast for my liking.


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Oh my writing is going to dust. It's so dry now it hurts. What the heck, I shall blog less till I can really write again. And that is when I am either (a) having emotional outburst (b) had major life milestone, in other words, when I need a carthasis.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Yesterday was my sister's birthday. And I was unceremoniously thrown out of the house so that she and her friends can hog the place and have their Pride & Prejudice marathon. Oh well, so I had to spent like 6 plus hours on my own outside, after the morning shopping, before I am welcomed back again.

So I decided to watch King Kong.

And it was fantastic! The show is definitely one of a kind. Even though 'monster' shows tend to be B-grade and full of action but no substance, Peter Jackson really worked his magic here. I tell you, it's comparable to E.T (me!) cos there's so much humanity in it. In fact, I think it was even better. The show was really very sad. You feel for King Kong and whenever Naomi Watts cried... I cried. Which was alot. Therefore, thank goodness for dark cinemas whereby crying viewers are safely hidden from view. Thank goodness numbr 2: I was alone and therefore won't have to face my company with blood-shot eyes, after the show when the lights are up. Oh, and I absolutely made a horrid selection for lunch. Not good for fat fighting. Ugh.

Later at night, I made the absolutely terrible choice of taking my mom's throat medicine to sooth my sore throat. Cos guess what? I took the painkiller which I was allergic to, just that I didn't know it cos it was under a different medical name. My eyelids started to swell and in 5 minutes, my eye was completely sealed (cannot open) and I looked like I got 'eyeballed'. It was horridly uncomfortable and heavy. And the next morning, the swelling was still there. At the doctor's, I discovered I was allergic to some range of painkillers of the 'ancid' group, meaning, I can't take ibuprofen, sanflex and aspirin to name a few. In fact, my eye lid is still swollen now. I just damn hell hope it goes down before Sunday or I can't go out at all. Look totally like a freak man.

Here's proof:





Check out my new 'lips'

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Went back for softball today.

Wow. It's been a looong time man. Very long time since I picked up a ball or bat and did something with it. And it was really fun! In a lazy sort of way. The throwing was still good, there's accuracy and range. Batting was okay lar. Not surprisingly, the bat felt heavy. Fielding? Well, let's say I didn't do much and so cannot judge. We helped train the juniors after playing ourselves abit. I was newly burnt in the sun. What the hell. My fresh-out-of-sentosa-sunburnt skin was fried anew. I didn't think it would be so hot today cos the sky was majorly grey when I left. Then later, after training, we just sat down, the two seniors with the rest of the juniors and just chat. Sigh, I miss post-softball conversations and activities. And sadly, we didn't go for lunch today cos everybody left after training.

Oh well, it was good exercise while it lasted. And at least, I know I still got some of that softball in me. Yeahhhh... Juniors (especially the no experience ones) need serious work man. There is just so much to catch up on. It's gonna be hard next year, no doubt about that. Sigh..but then again, things can always change. Like it did for our year.

Lastly, they said they were gonna have a christmas party!!! How absolutely fun! I'm sure seniors are invitied. And at the festive time of this year! The more parties the better!!On another note, I have that baking bug in me! Now! Tomorrow, I'll be making my first pilgrimage to Phoon Huat (jurong east branch) to get all the stuff needed for baking. Tins, sheets, ingredients, cookie rack. Oh yeahhh!!! Oooh I so can't wait to have an 'excuse' to bake, a.k.a. people to dump my baked goods on cos I certainly can't finish them alone. There'll be the levi's party this Sunday plus the nite trek (1 excuse to bake loads of cookies), our own home christmas celebration (1 excuse to bake chocolate cake) and if it takes off, the softball christmas party (2nd excuse to bake cookies). Also, there'll be the actual FCC christmas service which seems really interesting, being at the Arts House and all. There's alot more stuff going on then, than my old church ceremony.


It's important to enjoy this December for me cos I'll be starting work next january. And come to think of it, I'm kind of excited about it, although I initially dreaded having to work. First of all, the pay is worth it. With $7 an hour I can support myself and save around 80-85% of what I earn. With OT, it could be even more. The jobscope isn't exactly brainless photocopying etc., I'll actually be some sort of 'assitant/secretary' to the lawyer boss. Data input, drafting of bills and letters. Sounds like 'cheem' stuff right now. And I also just find out that my boss is in FCC. Haha, and all this while Mark was working for someone in church. Obivously being gay, Mark knows all the queer people in the office and I'm going to find out from him who they are! What's more, my office place is 'chucked' right next to ying's and we can go lunch together when I start work and visit each other's office etc. Oh. And I better damn hell work hard. And not screw up. Cos I made almost zero effort to land this job. It fell down onto my lap literally. No classifieds, no interviews. Just asked when do I start work and where's the place. That and, emailing my cirriculum vitae. That's it! So don't screw up elsa, cos you already skipped all the standard operating procedures on 'how to get a job'.

Then there are the season sales... Went out with ying last night to do a MANGO check-out. Tomorrow will be the actual sweep when prices are up to 50% off. Besides that, we also snacked out majorly. Oh gosh. At least I exercised today! Oh, did I mentioned we squealed over Alessandra A. again?? Damn, she has a damn fine body. I don't think I could ever get sick of her. But then again, that's what I thought the same about gisele. Hmm.


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Christmas is coming!!! And I feel happy already!!

Sunday, December 11, 2005

http://www.alessandraambrosio.com.br/

Enter the site.
Go to the 'Videos' section
Click on the blue video entitled The Victoria Secret's Swim Special

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Isn't she amazing???? OMG, I am melting into a puddle of bliss~~~~~





*sizzle...fizzzz*

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Here's an honest to God post.

I'll just be very frank here. It's something I've wanted to say for a very long time already. But only mel seemed like the sole person who would hear it and not judge me. But you know? What the hell, I'm out of N J now. So hear goes...

[In N J, there are many things I cannot say to alot of people, even those I consider 'close' to me. And the simple reason is that even though they are my friend and everything, the fact remains that they feel that homosexuality is wrong. So therefore it's very hard to tell them about my gay world outside, for the very reason that people might judge. Here's an analogy: If a smoker was to tell you about the joys of smoking, would you believe him? If you like shopping, would you talk about shopping and MANGO and sales to a person like me, who doesn't really like shopping? You wouldn't right? So sometimes, it feels like if I were to say something positive about the gay community, people might view it with skepticism. If I say something negative, they might latch on it and think of it as a good reason for me to change. But that's just what goes on in their heads. On the outside, I don't want to put them in a spot by discussing about topics which are sensitive. So the best course of action is just to keep quiet.

I've tried some stuff, like bring people to FCC in the hopes of talking to them later. But it only worked with SJ. And that's about it. There's an insane need in me to discuss other girls, but unfortunately our class guys don't seem to discuss girls very much (not to the extent of s5b). In fact, they don't seem to discuss girls at all, or at least the ones I'm closer to. If there were more straight people who had no problems with homosexuality... well heheh, I think I'll be real happy then.]

You know, the truth is, the gay community in s'pore is not a rosy picture . Yes, I've met wonderful people from church, from the gay library and the counsellors. Alot of opportunities have come by becos I've met these people. I got a pretty good paying job through Mark, gmail accounts from Gordon, great pals to just chill with like Xav, an offer to get into acting (haha me?) from jeremy, and cousellor friends who seriously, prolly make the best friends in the world if you have a problem (after all they're trained to listen to others). And so much help from the counsellors for the youth group, which I had expected to be exceedingly difficult to start up cos only youths will be doing it. But this is only a teeny tiny bit of the community. I'm only in the 'safe' and 'wholesome' part of it which also includes queer sports groups, adult support groups, gay activisim etc). The rest of gay culture is clubbing, online personals etc etc. That's really not my thing. Especially the clubbing, smoking and drinking. I can see why some people who are or 'were' gay can get turned off. Becos if this is what gay culture is like. There seems to be no future. Especially when in S'pore you can't get married, start a family as a gay couple. There are no GLBT community centres to help queer people deal with their issues, meet new friends. What's more, you have a homophobic government that causes supreme frustration for the average gay or gay activist. It sucks to be gay in s'pore. Period.

Then you might ask me. If that's the case, why don't I change? And be straight and have a 'better life' like the rest? Well then my answer would be: It's not homosexuality that I have a problem with per se, it's the gay culture in s'pore. Gay people in other countries have much happier lives. They are entitiled to much more rights, have more freedom and the culture is above all, much more 'wholesome', that what we have in s'pore. Heck, do you know in many western countries there are Gay-straight alliances, or GLBT clubs in high schools and universities? Do you have any idea at all how infinitely helpful that would be for a troubled gay teen? There are many churches in the west which are accepting of homosexuality. FCC in spore is such a small place really. It's not enough. Given the circumstances here, I'm not surprised that queer teens are scared into turning straight. And alot of people have a bad impression of homosexuality in general becos of what they see in gay culture.

Well, there's just one thing that defines gay people. And that is, we love differently. That is all there is to homosexuality. Not the culture. It does not represent homosexuality. I don't want people to have the wrong idea that becos gay culture is not exactly healthy, it means that being gay itself is not healthy.

I could just emigrate overseas you know? I might be happier as a gay person there. If there is anything that is truly a choice in my opinion, about homosexuality: is that you either choose to accept youself for who you are, or you suppress your feelings. It is either to hurt within yourself or struggle against the 'outside world' at odds with you. It's not easy being gay. Anyone who disagrees is lying. There's so much bullshit you have to take from society, from religions, from the government, even from your loved ones. But maybe that's how I feel now in my environment. In singapore. But the thing is, I've decided long ago that if others have issues with my homosexuality, then its their problem. Not mine. That's how I resolve my issues with those who have issues with me. Also, the reason why gay culture in s'pore sucks right now is becos of society/authority that does not give space to us. If only all this was changed...

Queer youth in s'pore don't have it good. They either struggle and stay closeted, or come out totally, or they get sucked into clubbing/smoking/drinking culture (cos that's all there is in this country). But don't worry, cos I know for sure I'll never become like that. Never. The only thing that separates me from straight people is my sexuality. I don't ever want to sink into the culture, cos I believe you don't have to go into it to be gay. It doesn't mean you have to be part of it.

Hai, am truly on the crest of uncertainty... But today, my mom told me that no matter what, all she wants is my happiness and that she will love me for who I am. Even though I know that she secretly hopes for me to change, that is all that I need to hear already. I'm glad I've done it. Like a heavy weight has been lifted off your shoulders. Although she still doesn't know much, for what its worth, this is a start already. And I can only keep on going...

Friday, December 09, 2005

Oh I forgot to mention, Olinda Cho was at Zouk. I saw her, dressed like one of the many butches. And you know Rebecca Tan? She has appeared on alot of magazine covers and TV ads (I think Lee Hwa jellewery if I'm not wrong). Well, she looks like she was with Olinda cos they seemed very close if you know what I mean. Yep, if you have any more doubts about her sexuality, there's your answer. Olinda at a lesbian party, with a female date. Hot one some more. And they actually made her kiss a guy on Shooting S tars, and wear a dress!!

So I had my first clubbing experience yesterday at Zouk. It was a real eye-opener, and "lung blacker-ner".

Zouk is actually a really small place in my opinion. And it's already considered big among the dance clubs. Phuture (I didn't enter) was next to it and so was Velvet Underground, which I can't enter becos it's for those aged 25 and above. Entrance fee was seriously 'dirt-cheap' compared to the shabby and nonsensical Club Home tickets. It cost $4 if you're a member of Herstory and $8 for non-members. At the entrance, there were four bouncers in beige suits and lots of security personnel around. And yes, they checked my IC at the door but not other people around me -_- But they didn't confiscate my 'NARIWA' haha! Actually, I bought some other water bottle, but I thought it'll just be funny if I call my water, 'NARIWA'. You what it means anyway. Inside Zouk, the toilets are superbly clean and have some funky architectural/deco design.

For today, it was one of the Herstory parties (a.k.a lesbian nite) and they were having some award ceremony with performances thrown in. It was a 'grrls' only' event and men were not allowed unless accompanied by other women. And my goodness, it was probably the biggest gathering of queer girls I've ever sinced in my life, 95% of patrons were girls. Of that 95%, probably 75% were butches. That was so damn dissapointing, cos butches are not my type and they were practically flooding the place. If any girl was feminine, she would be draped around the arms of a butch. And PL couples were rare. There was also alot of PDA, that you don't ever see on the streets. Holding hands, touching, sleazy eye contact, pecking. Everybody wore black. NO kidding. And actually, there were very few good looking people. Okay, there were the 'Formula One' Dancers who had super hot bods, and there was this girl which looked a hell lot like Lynn Chen from Saving Face, and whom I thought was pretty. But that's about it. And besides, you can't really see people under all that hazy dry ice fumes.

And ten thousand smokers. Practically 1 in 4 clubbers were smoking. I detest the smoking man, my 'virgin' lungs couldn't take it and after awhile, it feels like your throat is constricting. At the end of the night, the back of my throat felt like sand paper. Drinks were outrageously expensive. I drank a Yakault's worth of lychee martini and it cost $12. TWELVE DOLLARS!! For the little dainty glass, some interesting tasting liquid and a huge lychee piece. It tasted good, but I know I'll never become a drinker. Besides it being a bad thing, alcohol makes me insanely thirsty. I don't know why, but everytime I drink I get super thirsty. So yeah, that's my other safe-guard besides the moral one.

Choking smoke, lack of pretty girls and femmes, thirst-inducing drinks aside, the show was pretty good! I can say one thing for certainty. Drag queens are larger than life. Literally. They were really really massive-bodied. Chinese blood but with the body of Westerners. I can't imagine how they got so huge. But they were damn funny and charismatic, cracking impromptu jokes like pros on stage. It's a surprise when you see this lavishly dressed up lady in gown, with jewellery and make-up and then suddenly 'she' speaks in a low growl to shock the crowd. That's how a drag queen enters. They take you by surprise. And I didn't even suspect that they were men at first! As mentioned, there were 'Formula One' dancers who were dressed in leotards with racing prints on it and some butch 'acts' which pretty much didn't interest me. Duh. But the real stars of the show were the drag queens. They had some really funny dancing segments, Bollywood or Hollywood style, and they can really dance man! Cos they're men obviously, so they had alot of energy, agility and strength for all the crazy dances.

After the show, the DJ came on and played dance music. For all the crappy dancing that you get in N J, it seriously can't compare to the real thing. Dancing in a club can only be described as a surreal affair. From the balconies above, you see a writhing mass of bodies when you look down. Strobe lights, neon-coloured halos and dry ice haze everywhere. And the music literally thumps. It's not very loud that your ears pop. But the bass was very strong, so your body vibrates with every beat. I'm not kidding when I say I can feel the beat in my heart. And when you feel the beat in you, it really gets you into the dancing mood. Even if you aren't on the dance floor and just observing from above, the beat makes you jive a little on the spot already. On ground zero, things get wackier. It's very packed and squeezy but then again, that is the whole point. One of the reasons why our school dances suck its becos of lack of people. When you're close to others, everybody just feeds off each other's energy. It's also rather infectious cos even if you feel out of place and awkward, you'd just find youself dancing in a few seconds. Cos everybody is doing it and having fun, and so you just go with the flow. You don't even need alcohol to start grooving. I bet even the most awkward, shy, nerdy person will just transform when they get on the dance floor. The amazing thing is, you don't even sweat. The Zouk owners are very smart, they put the aircon on full-blast and it's rather freezing inside. But becos of that, you can dance till the next morning in a tight group without even perspiring. It's quite unlike Club Home where you see people coming out sweaty and drenched. In Zouk, you only come out with hair ruffled from shaking, or zigzag walking from drinking. But certainly, no sweat on you. That made the dancing all the more enticing.

Of all that happened, the dancing part was the best in Zouk. You can really get high on dancing, especially if the DJ plays good music and the crowd around you is packed and moving too. Some of the earlier performers came to dance too and they were really entertaining to watch. Especially the drag queens who stood on a podium and dance kooky, obviously meant to amuse you, kind of moves. When we left the 'mosh pit-like' dance floor, I couldn't even walk up the stairs in a straight line cos my legs were tired and giving way, and inertia kept the body momentum going. Later, we sat and chat till the party was over. Then we walked out of the club, and sat on the road-side and chat some more. There were drunk people of cos, but surprisingly no one vomitted. There was one guy who passed out on the road-side. A pale girl slumped over her red-faced butch girl friend. I was more curious and amused than repulsed. Cos I can't understand how people can drink so much when it costs an arm and leg for a jug of beer, and especially when it makes you thirsty. Maybe that's just me.

You know, if there's one thing I absolutely detest about clubbing, it is the smoke. It's a chimney in there and apparently, Zouk is considered not that bad already. But for what its worth, the dancing was really good. I can see why people like to club, cos you can really lose youself in the dancing. I doubt I'd go back to Zouk unless there was another lesbian event that is worthy enough for me to go. Cos the smoke can really get unbearable and why torture yourself you know? There are actually non-smoking clubs/pubs and maybe I'd go there instead.


Yep. Tonight was a real eye-opener indeed. I saw a little bit more of the world, clubbing culture to be specific. But I don't fancy it really. You either gotta be a party animal, smoker or drinker to like clubbing. If you aren't, just go there once for the experience and be done with it. Neither would you really want to meet new people in a club, cos you have no idea of their background and there's a high probability that they smoke. But if there's a non-smoking club that has really good dance music and atmosphere, I wouldn't mind going cos dancing is really fun haha! It's surreal.

It started at 10 pm and we finally left at 3 in the morning. After sitting outside for awhile, I was still on a high. Then we went to Shell station to grab a snack. After eating, we were so drained and zonked out that after awhile, the number of words spoken per minute decreased sharply. 6 am in the morning, I finally took a train home cos we were too cheapskate to take a taxi heheh. Then I finally fell asleep when people started to awake.

Tired. But I finally feel legal. Ha.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

I have told my mother.

It is not good. Oh well, nobody said it would be easy, and I never expected it to be. You can't expect a resolution in 15 minutes. Some parents take two years or even more. Some have never reached the point of real acceptance but for what it's worth, they accept enough cos they love their kids and that was the greater issue.

I was hoping that tears would move her. Not that it was difficult to cry at all. When she told me she wanted me to change, it was all that took to bring back the horrors and the pain. Of all the bad things I've anticipated, this could possibly be one of the worse scenarios. The 'homosexuality is sin' issue. There are times I wished my mum wasn't christian, and blasphemous as that sounds, put yourselves in my shoes k? It makes it all the harder for us to reach a resolution. It requires alot of exhausting, thoroughly exhausting explanation, and it's something I really don't want to go through again. All that arguement and convincing. This would probably make the transition, from shock to acceptance, drag on for goodness knows how long. But I guess in the end, I am counting on love. That she will love me enough to accept me for who I am. And by 'accept' I mean real, genuine acceptance. Not some fake, on-the-surface, 'I love you for who you are' but fervent praying behind my back for me to change. No. By acceptance means that she has no issues with me being lesbian at all. I would have to talk to the counselor for help on this.

I wish she would be like John's mum. Maybe in time that will come. At least she didn't scream or shout or cry or anything. In fact, my situation is nothing compared to the lesbian who was thrown out of her home at age 19, with nothing but the clothes on her back and $500 in her pocket (her story of survival is amazing). But we did quarrel, as inevitable as it is. I didn't tell her about my gay friends, or church or the youth group either. That would shock her and she would probably scream. All those will come to her in time. And I guess the saying that 'parents don't understand their teenaged kids' is kinda true. There was so much trouble trying to connect with her, to make her understand that 'I've already struggled'. In me, it's resolved. I've thought through the issues. But she can't see it. Oh well, at least it's not that bad. And I feel that little bit freer. The cage is slowly being cut down. Bit by bit. It make take me years, but for what it's worth, I love the feeling of being able to 'breathe'.

It's a journey you know? Coming out is a lifelong process. But everytime you do it, the more you grow and the less 'conflicted' you become. The more you come out, the more you're real. Cos there is lesser pretense and there is no 'facade' that you portray to the world.

There is a light at the end of that tunnel. And I will get there.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Ah, to see Yin g after like ten million years is like holding your breath for very long and finally being allowed to exhale. And exhale alot I did. Well, it was more like vomit incoherently cos we were jumping from topic to topic. I miss YI ng ever since she left NJ!! I still do. And once more, I was reminded of the fact that when YI ng left, one of my 'life support system' just totally died. It's so good once more to be able to speak your heart without thinking what the other party would judge, or if what you said is appropriate for the ears which are going to hear it, or if you're gonna put the other party in a spot (i.e. with no idea how to reply you). It is also so impossibly goood, to be able to squeal 'she's so cute!' and talk about girls like you always do within yourself in N J. I know for a certainty that if yi ng had been in N J, I might have been a happier state. But then, such things are never in my control.

We walked a whole lot around Orchard trying to find a decent cheap place to eat and after like 1 plus hr, finally settled down at the 'usual PR hangout', N Y D C. But not that we were complaining about the walking, after all, (1) walking helps you lose weight, so you can eat more for dinner (2) we were cruising at the same time. Of cos, the cruising part was more important. For that, we walked from LIdo to taka and goodness knows where. But alas, monday night is not the 'season'. There weren't many pretty girls to look at. And my happy heart started jumping and my lungs started hypreventilating when she mentioned, 'Eh, you know Alessandra Ambrosio?'. Turns out YI ng is a fan too! And we were like squealing and slapping each other with flailing arms in the middle of Orchard, with swoons of 'She is soo hot!'. People probably thought we were nuts. But then, that's no so bad cos we were talking pretty loudly in N Y too and the straight couple next to us probably got an earful about 'queer' stuff. And it was quite obvious that they could hear what we were saying. But then again, that can't compare to when you go out with church people and everyone speaks so loudly about purely queer content. Blissfully unaware, we were broadcasting to the whole world and we didn't give a hoot.

I also found out alot of gossip and realised that actually, I missed out on a hell lot in S C. By being the bookish nerd I was in the past, I didn't get to hear all the interesting queer stuff which I'm only hearing now. Oh well. Today was a good and happy day! I've released all that pent up 'grrl feelings' and now feel very liberated! After that, we rushed home like mad dogs to catch this National Geographic Channel documentary on homosexuals, hermophrodites and transvestites in the animal kingdom. Pretty interesting stuff:

-Apparently, homosexuality and polygamy is rampant in the animal kingdom and monogamy is considered rare.
-Sea hares, a certain sea slug, are hermaphrodites and have functioning male and female sex organs. They can actually mate for days and when they do so, it is always an orgy. In fact, they form a 'daisy chain'. One plugs in and gets plugged in, if you get my drift.
-Some animals don't reproduce through sexual intercourse at all. They clone themselves, e.g. bacteria
-There is a species of lizards which genus consists entirely of females. There are no males in the species. How do they reproduce? Well, I can only put this across in this rather crude fashion but I don't know how else to say it, lizard lesbian *** apparently. In the process, the females get stimulated to produce hormones which lead them to conceive.
- In many species, the proportion of males in the population are kept at the bare minimum for sperm supply. But females are in abundance becos, without females, there can be no (large-scale) reproduction.

Actually, the lizard part is very interesting, not becos I like the 'lesbian aspect' but more so becos I once read this really intriguing article in VOGUE. Yea, VOGUE. You'd probably be wondering why the heck a fashion magazine has anything to do with biology. Well, fashion sometimes is a celebration of a woman's body and the article was about 'sexual power' or something. You know how the female clitoris is essentially a completely useless entity? And somehow, in a way, it seems like a mini-penis? Scientists have tried to explain it and the answer is that humans were once all hermaphrodites (or something like that). Males did not exist and females were equipped with their own dick. After evolving for millenia, males came into evolution and thus the need for females to be able to fertilise each other became non-existent. Hence, the female 'dick' shrank as it became less important (just as how our appendix is small and seemingly useless). And today, the clitoris is what is left of the past.

Also, there is another biological fact, which I read elsewhere, that supposedly supports this theory. When a baby is born, its default sex is female. It only becomes a male (if its a boy) later in the pregnancy when the baby is overwhelmed with male sex hormones. And it is the clitoris on the 'default' girl that develops into the penis and the labia that becomes the testicles. In fact, (and this is really a true fact), inside all males bodies are undeveloped ovaries, fallopian tubes and even, a vagina. But this is a little known fact and even I was shocked to read about it.

Well the first paragrpah is all intriguing speculation but the second paragraph is all true facts. So there you go. Food for thought eh??

P.S. Hehe! I always knew girls can do without the boys! But I can't nite trek without a guy. So people, please go for nite trek especially if you're a guy!!

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Am totally sunburned.

Today was FCC's Family Day at Sentosa. I was one of the game masters and had to wake up really damn early to prep. It was really nice though. There's something surreal and happy about singing next to the waves, under the sun and the breeze blowing all around you, with just guitar music. I thought we should have more such events, cos it's really nice to worship in a beach setting, and you can really bond there cos it's so relaxing. There was no sermon today, but they read out something inspirational about family and togetherness etc. Then later we had games! And I thought The Longest Line game was funny cos the goal is to create the longest line with your teamates and and whatever you have on you. So there was a whole bunch of shirtless gay men (tall, short, slim, fat, hunky and portly) all sprawled on the sand trying to stretch as much as possible and using their shirts to create extra length. Se fus even filmed the whole scene on camera. Our last game though, spider web, 'crashed and burnt' cos adults weren't so game about putting themselves through rafia string holes. Argh! Oh well, at least 'spider web' took surprisingly fast to set up, so it wasn't too draining.

After service and games we had this huge potluck spread (chicken was tasty) and the rare few FCC children went to play with sand. The adults and youths then went to play beach volleyball and ultimate frissbee (all very gay sorta games ). That was when I got sunburnt to the max and could even feel my skin 'crackling'. Volleyball is painful for the wrist and some of the gay guys have really hot bods. Ultimate frissbee was actually quite fun cos our play area was not too large and running in the sand is different. But it was damn tiring cos I was so unfit and the older gay guys (who gym at a lesser extent) was as tired out as me. Oh, and I discovered I really suck at volleyball and throwing a frissbee. Catching was okay la, you just gotta know that, if you have to crash into the sand to catch...just crash man, cos everybody's crashing and looking unglam too.

Then later we all sat by the hut and talked all sorts of cock. I heard alot about uni life from the N U S people and well, it seems like uni is not all 'fun' and rosy either. There's too much stuff so I won't say all of it here. Just that social life is not as secure and interesting, cos you're just way too busy to socialise literally. I might possibly work in a law firm next year, if I take up Mar k's offer. It'll be good for the resume and it's $7 per hour supposedly, not too sure if that's alot of money. Doesn't seem like much but hey, it's a law firm. And apparently, if I go to S M U and take business, majoring in marketing (which is what I want to major if I do business), my future professor is in my church! Also, they actually sold FCC shirts. But I didn't want to buy at first cos there was the word 'gay' on it and I'm not out to my mom yet. Abit apprehensive and not ready for her to find out. So I just bought it and left it to Xav for safe-keeping, till the day I come out then I'll collect it back.

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Oh well, tomorrow's gonna be fun! I'm seeing Y Ing after like 10 million years and I have so much shit literally to tell. Now that I am offically free; and both SATs and prom are over. I can finally enjoy the carefree life. Whee!! Holidays are the bestest thing ever. Period

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My writing's going down the drain. Shit.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

YAY!!! EXAMS ARE OVER!!!

Okay, this is a really weird statement I know. But for the SATs people, it's been one looong four hours in a hall. It was so mentally draining I had to keep my distracted thoughts at bay. It did not help that I kept getting reminded of the funny incidents during prom and had to stifle giggles. If the invigilators thought some girl looked weird becos she kept grinning widely to herself, it's probably me. But then again, I am so glad!! I am finally free. No more books. No more study. At least I hope I did well. The front parts were tough but it got better. And also, essay felt better than GP this time. GP. Ha! Don't get me started on it . . . . In a way, the SATs was like some sort of S C reunion cos I met a whole bunch of S C friends there. Y Ilin, RO s, even li lin g from Pr6 was there, Deb bie etc.

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Prom. Hmmm. Not bad. Everybody was so dressed up that I seriously could not recognise alot of people. I can't even recognise myself. The food sucked. The programme was average. Fran's dress was a knock-out. I totally 101% support the prom king. Prom queen was hot as hell and besides I liked her before, so duh, my taste should be good ;) . R looked so pretty too. And that's one thing about prom I can't stand: getting attracted to all the people you know you can't have. It's so dastardly infuriating and irritating, when you can't have control over where your eyes roam to.

The room!! Our room was very nice indeed! And the bed was so comfy!! It feels like you're sinking into a bed of feathers or white snow. The view from the balcony was nice and so were the toilets (not the view!!). Make-up is messy and stiff hair is worse. Damnable strapless bra kept threatening to drop down during prom and my table still nags at me to move and rush up there for some question and answer game?? My gawd, how do I explain?? "Hello people, if I do that my bra will drop and you will see *******"?? Took a dozen prom photos before my camera finally konked out. And sadly, the after party sucked big time. I think last year's party was better from what the softball seniors told me then. It was really damn sad, considering that it'll be my first time in a club and it didn't materialise. Oh well, I have the whole holiday for that new experience so never mind.

Overall, leaving prom left me with a really sad feeling. There'll be alot of people (S C!!) who are going overseas after As and technically this is my last time to see them. I don't know I'm just so sad. It's so downright demoralising that I can't even be bothered right now to write some flowery/abstract/pensive/sappy observation about it. Am just gonna put it plain and simple: I-t i-s s-o s-a-d.