Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Fiddly dee~~~~

Apart from my irksome SAT prep, (so mindnumbing, can you imagine doing MCQs for two hours straight everyday?) everyday feels like a holiday =). Which it should feel like anyway. I have been engaging in all sorts of sloth-like activities. After the pain of my tooth and the gum swelling and the flu, I realised that there's too little time for body-salvation a.k.a 'loose the flab'. I'm just gonna go to prom, love handles and all, like the rolled up sushi in black seaweed I feared to look like. Who cares. I've already been through this before, and seriously, the prep is overrated. Why? Becos you're so busy fussing about yourself you don't really notice what tiny, insignificant flaws other people have. All you see is the big picture. Besides, what with the dim lighting everywhere, it shouldn't show up that much. And the last *breathe a sigh of relief* consolation I have for myself not putting greater effort is that: I have no one to dress up for. Which is a damn good thing or I'd be worried out of my brains.

Like I said, 'everyday's a holiday!'. Tralalala~~~~ I've been steeped in Warcraft 3: Frozen Throne and soon, I'll be in GTA baby! On top of that, I have gone back to my reading escapades! Am now re-reading 'Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil' and have just read finished 'Further Tales of the City' by Armistead Maupin. I actually was intrigued by the author at first cause he's in some StarBucks coffee cup scandal. Apparently, he made some remark about his gay-ness and it riled the conservatives in US. So I flipped through the book hoping he'd write something 'queer' and then I saw the word 'lesbian' in one of the pages. So I bought the book. Well, silly me, Armistead Maupin is gay not lesbian and I discovered that the book was all about gay love. Just great. But no matter, the book was interesting towards the end. After that, I want to get the book '1984'. Sounds good.


The next few weeks should be thoroughly exciting since 0o0! That'll be THREE sec school gatherings. Two of them mini and one big she-bang class parrrty. Oh gosh, I love PR!! Whoopee! All thanks to ying who is going to organise all the nonsense again for the *don't know what* time.

Lastly, since I'm gonna be at home a lot. I've decided to go on culinary experiments!! More baking for me, but no more cookies this time. I'll be trying cakes! And then maybe pies. And then maybe ... cheesecakes! Haha, and then maybe I actually won't do all those when I fail miserably at my first cake attempt and everyone's not happy cos they have to eat my mess.

p.s. If you want to read something extremely intelligient. Read the Dune novels. It's science fiction but it's really philosophy. Plus the story is so immersing!

Monday, November 28, 2005

Strange.

Sometimes when I'm in public, I get this real high when I think to myself, "Dude, I'm a lesbian." I don't know why but maybe it's becos of how 'rebel' like it seems. Like it's not socially approved by the general public, but yet I still want to stick to my guns and be the way I am. Then I walk with a surer step and carry myself a wee bit taller. And I can't help but smile a little cos, although sexuality at times seems like such a mundane non-issue, it's still so . . . utterly wicked. It's like, the adrenaline rush coming from the fact that . . I dare. Some sort of carthasis.

When I had to make the silly speech for colours award, for which all CCA heads had been unceremoniously served the socially embarrasing chore, I just kept thinking that phrase in my head when it was near my turn to speak. Becos if somebody important were to confront me in real life about myself, or even if the whole group in the hall were to question me about me, then, and I knew my hands would definitely shake less at the mike. Becos if I can say to Dav and Di, in our dorm in Lumut, 'but you know, I'm not even straight' as though we were discussing nonchalantly about life in general (which we were), and if people I don't know, or know distantly, discover 'me' through the picture on this blog by accident, and my heartbeat does not raise in alarm . . . Becos of I can take on all these, what more a tiny little speech in front of hundreds of others? What more my first public oration? But comparison, this requires a fairly miniscule act of courage. Something so utterly ordinary. How could it rile me, if I've let greater worrisome issues past me by?

The knowledge of who you are and what you choose to stand by, can be a powerful thing to draw strength upon.

'I can go through this, becos I'm _______ (insert name here)'

Friday, November 25, 2005

*Sniff* Things are not going my way.

Just came back from the vacation from hell. It was from hell becos of my infernal teeth. Never did it ever occur to me that my dormant (and quietly dying) tooth from Lumut will becoms so excruciatingly sensitive in cold weather. It was so bad that breathing in cold air of 19 degree celcius felt like cold water was continuously pouring over my teeth. Outside the hotel, I had to battle the elements. Of all the parts of my body that was cold, the worst part could not be covered. I didn't have a scarf. Indoors, it was slightly warmer but it was still freaking cold. I have never hated the cold so bad before. Sigh.. After two days, things became abnormal. My gums and upper lip was swollen and the pain was incessant even though I took the drugs. For a full 48 hours I had a tooth ache. As per normal the aunties showered chinese medicine and au naturel rememdies on me. Even though I rubbed my acupoints until they hurt, the pain only abated slightly.

Even after we went to KL where it was much warmer, the pain was still there. So bad that you could cry. Which was what happened one night in public when I couldn't take it anymore. Went back to the hotel and cried some more in the hot shower. Becos of the infernal pain, I couldn't eat properly or shop properly or do anything without the feeling of discomfort perpetually at the back of my mind. Oh well, at least I took many photos, visted some nice places, and gorged on Secret Recipe almost daily (It's half price in M'sia. S$2.50 for a slice? Oh-my-bloody-goodness, I'm eating it regardless of tooth ache or whatever).

Upon reaching the comfort of home, I've never felt this happy coming home before. But sadly, happiness was short-lived, for I woke up today with a cold. First cold in months, and even though it's there bugging me, I'm gladly thankful to God for letting it happen only after As. Cos I prayed to stay healthy until As are over.

---------

I urgently need the dentist. But he's back from overseas the earliest on Dec 1st. Which is prom. Which I may not go to. Now. Probably. Don't want to anyway since my tooth is hurting and the flu is killing me, and since, I don't think I can fit into my old prom dress and I don't want to waste money on a new one. Besides, I have only one plus week to SATs. Sigh, I really don't know. In S C, going to prom was like . . . a must. Cos S C meant alot and Pr meant so much too. Until now we're planning for a reunion. Now for this N J prom, my only reason to go for it is to see my friends and catch up, but then I tell myself all that can be done in another time. Another place. But I'll still kind of miss it cos, even though I'm leaving N J and I should be happy, I know it's my last true connection to S C. Cos alot of the S C girls went there. Now we're really separating. And I know I'm gonna miss seeing some people every day, S C or otherwise. Even though school sucked overall. We had our moments didn't we? There are times I wish structured school didn't end. What I had in the present wouldn't slip away from me like everything else, everytime. I will miss alot of things. Prom? Sigh, I don't know. Just feel very low down in the dumps now.

(I want a class, oops sorry correct that, clique outing! *pout*=) )



---------


Anyway, on the topic of moving on. It's the holidays now, I have plenty of time, it's time to get serious about the youth group. For the past few weeks, I've come to a realisation. You know how sexuality is such a complicated issue? How for some people they can be straight in their teens, gay in their 20s and then bisexual in their 30s? Becos they keep falling for the people they think they'd never fall in love with? They cross over to the other side once every so often and it screws up the idea of who they are. It can happen to straight or gay people. I've talked about this before to a few people. And I guess its true when they say love crosses boundaries. (And I love love love! How Jo summed it up so simply in one of our class reunions and when she just found out, "Love is love isn't it? No matter who you love?" Now do you see why S C means so much to me?) In the early 20th century, did you know that interacial love was considered as 'sinful' as homosexuality in America? But look how we've progressed now. . . You can love people of a different skin colour and people wouldn't really mind.

Sometimes, I term myself lesbian becos its the easiest and most factually accurate description thus far, if you take a look at my stats. Countless female crushes and 1 single male crush all my life. I won't rule out falling for a guy in the future. But I know I'll always have this thing for girls. But most importantly, I've come to realise that *gasp* even if I happen to find myself bi or straight one day, I'll still continue in this struggle. Like the straight teacher who volunteers at the gay library, just becos she believes in the idea of equality and that GLBT people in S'pore need all the social support that they can get. I still want to help out however I can. It's a wonderful feeling when you can look into a mirror and not fear or detest the person in front of you. That you can help someone else like you, who've been through shit like you. I guess I can sum it up by saying it this way: You don't have to be blind to help the blind. Regardless of my sexuality in the future, which may or may not change cos after all, sexuality is fluid and love crosses boundaries, I would still want to help the GLBT.

On a more immediate note, I've been envisioning scenarios, ways to start a conversation topic etc. I need to print that handout for parents.

It's time to tell my mom.

--------

You're on the crest of uncertainty.

---'Learning to hunt' by Guided Voices

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Tomorrow is freedom. And after that I'll be leaving for Malaysia for some vegan/organic/farm/*weight loss* retreat on sunday and coming back only after thursday. Yep. Just in case someone messages my HP and you receive no reply.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Almost done dude. Almost.

Phew. I'm dead tired. Today was arguably the most draining day of my life. You know how you're suppose to feel hyped-out and all tense during exams? Well, I nearly fell asleep during econ MCQ today cos my marginal productivity was diminishing. Fixed factor of energy was being over utilised and variable costs were exponentially increasing. Then I slept when they collected our papers and even came out of the exam hall with a chest ache. Like man, that was insane. 3 papers in a day? Hello, you want the PCME combi people to die ah? It didn't help that I came out of an extremely screwed up *worst Physics P3 in my entire life* that felt like death from above. Following which, I studied all through some lunch complaining about physics and trying to do case study. Then study once again full steam ahead for 1 plus hour and was demoralised to death when I couldn't get some MCQs.

The only reason why I'm still awake and typing now is becos of expected rise in energy level later (going to sleep) and hence I will increase energy consumption right now. As you can see, my mind is still inundated with econs. Speaking about econs, I just discovered that group study is extremely beneficial, especially if its for argumentative subjects. Studying at oasis with QJ, MIN dy, Na na (for once) is like standing under a waterfall of economics. Non-stop brain flux. Though it was draining, I hope it paid off. And I hope our class did well for the MCQ, given our almost unbeaten track record of top MCQ average, and so maybe the rest of S'pore will die becos of the crazy, unusual MCQ questions. I'm really counting on the 'stepping stones' as C hu a likes to say. Sigh... but I don't know. Even though answers may tally it may not be right especially for the macro econs cos there are many ways to see the issue.

Case study/DRQ. I didn't know they tested definitions! But never mind, hope I crapped something out of nothing. But thank the heavens that I saw some case study that went through definition of MRP theory. Or else I wouldn't know how to do a single shit. Case study was ... hmmm.. fine but... I think alot of people found it easy. So even if one does well, the bell shape graph will shift everthing down.

Chemistry. Maths. I'm not sure if I hit my targets . . . sigh. . . but I'm quite 'realistic' for physics already. Not expecting much. Wasn't in the first place. I am becoming incoherent and obviously very out of touch from blogging. I'm not making sense. Minus marks for essay structure. Shit.

Oh well, mug later.

Saturday, November 12, 2005

I've been a bad girl.

I've been thinking lately on all the things I shouldn't be thinking:

-Nite Trek II
-katong laksa during Nite Trek I
-Harry Potter
-Lose major weight
-Plan order of computer games to play which would take up at least 2 months
-Wanting to read Life of Pi when I should be studying.
-feeling guilty blogging or doing anything leisure and hence decrease personal utility due to thoughts of next best alternative_studying_ forgone.

opportunity cost opportunity cost opportunity cost. My head is experiencing inflation.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Sigh.

Exams. Sometimes you get the feeling that you studied all you could and then you make silly screw-ups in the exam, which you have never done before?? Essay stank. I wrote below my usual standard on a topic with little room to manoveur, and everybody revolved around the same examples. There was a 3 mark GP compre question, you know the one whereby they ask you about 3 statements of controversy and the writer's language? Well I wrote about the WRONG paragraph. The WRONG PARAGRAPH!!!! 3 marks down the drain! I know I shouldn't kick a fuss over something seemingly trivial but this coupled with a bad essay makes me really scared that I won't even hit a B3. Which is unthinkable for me. Unthinkable. And I am banking on GP.

I practise so much GP. AQ, summary and essay intro. Everyday 45 minutes for one week. The potential is there. And now this happens. Sigh, so what do I tell myself then?

Shit happens?





Shit happens. F-ing shit happens.

------

This is worst than chemistry. There is this heavy little tumour in my heart which I can't seem to shake off. I know all this will pass but then this makes me fear March. I really don't know. Someone punch me real hard in the chest so this ache will go away. Okay, I've punched myself.

Chill, elsa, chill. Remember: Shit happens.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

http://popagandhi.com/

Don't know if I should link this. The owner might find out. But either way, it is for good reason.

Arguably the best lesbian blogger in S'pore. And from SC sommore (!). Haha, and what I love best about this? The writing . . . its all in the tradition of sublime, aristocratic, ethereal, higher-than-thou, S C G S brand of english.

Never been more proud of where I came from.


--------

How is it . . . in the words of a stranger you see yourself reflected a million times over? How is it that someone unfamilliar can rip your vulnerable insides and display it in the open. As though we've all known each other before even though we've never met. Or ever will. How is it that, all you have to hear from another person the words, 'I'm gay.' and then no matter, what class, what creed, what race, religion, ethnicity and age, the inner psyches of both parties are painfully clear. It resonates across barriers. Barriers of country, distance, whatever. How is it, you can feel so acutely for another like you, whose living a million miles away and yet, arguably, is just like you. Going through all that you've been through and yet to go through.

How is it . . .

you can meet an entire stranger and from the moment you open your mouth, 'hello' and they close theirs, 'goodbye'. A wealth of knowledge, intimacy and secrets have been exchanged. More so than you let on to your straight friends. As though the shared secret of being gay is already the biggest secret, and that is nothing compared to the rest of the skeletons in the closet. In fact, other skeletons seem almost trivial than the biggest skeleton of all. How is it a gay person, whom I've met for just a few hours can understand so much about me, more so than friends I've known for two years. (Even though I know they try to understand and I really appreciate the gesture. Even though some of those people don't even do so. People are only prepared to believe what they want to hear, so said some guy called Ralph)

How is it . . .

that people feel happy when they meet someone who's similar to them. And that similarity makes them smile? Like meeting a new friend and finding out that they are christian, or game fanatics like you, or fish enthusiats. Nothing. And I can say of all 18 years of my short short life so far, nothing . .. comes close to that kind of explosion of familiarity you feel when someone reveals they are like you. That way. How is it, sometimes, though this life, this path I choose (not to run away from myself but to face it down), may not be as easy as it seems, but yet, there are times, it gives me satisfaction? That somehow, I am better off in a inexplicable kind of way? I would never have met. You. You, you you you. If I were straight. I may not grow as much I have now (I hope) if I was straight. I'm not saying its better. But for what its worth, its a life alot less ordinary.

Becos if it was any different . . . how is it . . I feel this connection with anonymous crowd out there? Living. As I am. Just the way we are.