Saturday, October 22, 2005

I've decided to break my Internet exile for a moment to report some very distressing news . . .

Saving Face, the movie, is in S'pore.

And it is freaking R21!!!!!!

The moment I saw the advert at the last pages of Life newspaper, I was like, wtfwtfwtfwtfwtfwtfwtf. WHYYY??? Why must it be so?? I could just beat my fists against the bed post in vain, and stomp up and down in fury. But that still does not change the fact that I will NOT be able to watch it. Like, as I've said a gazillion times, w t f? Obviously I can't just waltz into the cinema and hope that they don't check. DUDE! They will check me, for terribly obvious reasons. I suddenly wanna grow older, or at least taller. But please, there isn't any extreme scenes of violence, or overly graticious sex scenes. It's just love between two girls. A romantic comedy with not-your-usual characters. BIG DEAL. Even Passion of the Christ which is definitely higher in the 'gross' factor was M18!!! Stupid censors. They are depriving me of my ambrosia.

ARRRGHH!!! Feel so sad. At least the one thing that would cheer me up and let me forget about the 'A's for a moment is to be able to watch Saving Face. And now that it has come, I can't watch it. Here's what I'm missing.

No matter, as all clandestine things I've done to get my hands on GLBT stuff. This is just another challenge. I will figure out a way. But first, anyone here know another way to watch Saving Face?? No matter what?

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Financal Times
Warwick lecturers vote against Singapore campus
By John Burton in Singapore


Senior lecturers at Warwick University in the UK have voted against setting up a branch campus in Singapore due to worries about limits on academic freedom, dealing a possible setback to the city-state's ambitions to become a regional hub for higher education.

Singapore requires international educational institutions operating in the city-state to agree not to conduct activities seen as interference in domestic affairs.

The lopsided 27-13 "no" vote by Warwick's senate this week is believed to be the first time a foreign university has rejected the conditions set by Singapore. Although the vote is non-binding, it is likely to put pressure on the university council to abandon the Singapore plan when it makes a final decision on October 18.

Warwick and Australia's University of New South Wales are the only two foreign universities selected by Singapore's Economic Development Board to set up a full-scale campus.

The city-state has succeeded in attracting smaller schools operated by several top institutions, including Insead and the University of Chicago Graduate Business School, in an effort to triple the number of university students to 150,000 in the next decade.

The Warwick vote came as the outgoing US ambassador to Singapore warned in a farewell speech that Singapore's limits on expression might cause the government to "pay an increasing price for not allowing full participation of its citizens".

Faculty and students at Warwick have questioned the costs of the nearly £300m ($525m)project and the university's ability to attract quality students and staff to the Singapore campus. But much of the criticism has focused on limits on academic freedom and civilliberties, including curbs on gay rights and high execution rates for criminals.

Warwick recently sent a letter to EDB asking that its students in Singapore be exempt from strict laws limiting freedom of assembly, speech and the press, and the removal of bans on homosexuality and certain religious practices on campus.

It also sought guarantees that staff and students would not be punished by the Singapore government for making academic-related comments that might be seen "as being outside the boundaries of political debate". EDB said it would not comment.

The demand that the Singapore campus enjoy the same degree of academic freedom as in the UK came in response to an advisory report by Thio Li-ann, a law professor at the National University of Singapore, which said freedom of "speech is permissible as long as it does not threaten real political change or to alter the status quo".

She warned that "the government will intervene if academic reports cast a negative light on their policies" but said the presence of Warwick in Singapore could "serve as an impetusfor continued liberalisation".

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*Note: Warwick University actually interviewed the leaders of P L U, a gay rights organisation in S'pore, in the feasibility study. My only comment is that: Too bad for the govt. You limit your own chances.

Last day of school. Nothing but a real waste of time in my opinion. The only good I can think of that came out of today was the fact that we had a smashing celebration for WT's birthday ( hope she'd liked my tar cookies), and that we took alot of pictures, and lastly, the sudden and happily welcomed materialisation of Dav and mel in the library in the afternoon, when everything had gone absolutely downhill and could not go any further (or so I thought).

In other words, today was a mugging day just like any other. Even though it was the last day and people were getting together. Trying to furiously socialise with people I barely speak to for a whole two years isn't going to do any wonders to our present and future relationship. In fact, it's like trying to make up for lost time but hey, let's face it, it won't change anything. Not the fact that our class is still very fragmented and continues to be so till the very last day. We can seem to be together but we're not mingling in the true sense of the word.

Like I said to dav, 'N J is just like public transport. You get on and off it without any thought whatesoever.' Last day of S C G S was filled with crying and hugging and all that girlie displays of emotion. N J, barely registered on my emotional radar today, and if it did, it was mostly dissapointment.


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*The next few parts are going to be incoherent. If you don't understand, it is for good reason. This is written for me to flesh things out, not you to comprehend*

What happened at night was the last straw on the camel's back for me, and having a shop assistant majorly pissing the hell out of a starving and tired elsa, took me all the restraint in the word not to scold her. So much for being nice to service staff. But I was ready to murder the idiot for the utterly pointless mistake she made.

Went home with a slump. Being at the end of my tether, there is no way I could fall any lower. The only way had to be up, and right I was. Started doing GP at 9 something and I ploughed through even though I felt so tired. Then taadaa~ I proceeded to write one of my most kick-ass AQs I've ever written. Then, after GP, I went to read the last of Harry Potter and though I was so sad it ended, hell it was a gooood read. Was very happy after that.

Somehow it seemed like my hugely oscillating emotions of today had created some sort of clarity in my head. And that I finally had one of those 'brain surge' moments when you realise something unnervingly honest and true about yourself. You know how sometimes even you yourself cannot explain . . . things about yourself. And you can find a million and one reasons to justify otherwise but no, the issue is actually much simpler and something that you actually don't want to acknowledge? I knew what it was now. Had a couple of inklings about it in the past. But that, the past, was exactly what I feared. It's not the obvious past that you may know, it's something I've never said to anyone yet. But its that past I fear most. I could see how close I was in J C to getting out of that quagmire, but no. And yet, I was this few milimetres close to it. Now I see the goal slipping away, and I can't help but just watch. Though I may thrash inside and rebel against the utter helplessness (and sometimes it shows), maybe it's a cry of desperation in some ways. But there's nothing much one can do. Even though it feels like things are being taken away. Maybe I was never meant to get out of this rut. In this time.

Alot of things can be explained quite neatly with this. A lot of things. Besides this, had a few other revelations about self as well. Things that can actually be worked on and put to good use. But the most major thing, remains one big question mark. Why? And I can't find the answers in those around me. Prayed to God later to help me try. After all, I don't want university to be another deja vu to me.


I am back at square one.

Even though things have improved through the years. I am still, essentially, back at square one.





Why do people always look forward to the future? Cos they think the future will be inherently better.

But is it always?

Thursday, October 13, 2005

I just registered for the SAT. That was quite a traumatizing experience. I hate online registrations/transactions whatever. They scare the hell out of me cos it seems so . . . unconfirmable (for lack of a better word).

Oh well, it'll be two days after prom. Hope I won't be too sloshed to sit for it. And yes, after A levels, I have only two weeks to mug for the SATs. Must do well must do well must do well must do well.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Today, as I sat on my WC throne, a wave of realisation swept over me. Again, as my aimlessly wandering mind has many times (while the eyes are fixated on the blank white wall).

Never underestimate the toilet.

In actual fact, the only real private place in my house is the toilet. I don't have my own room. I am not allowed to lock my room, or else my mom will suspect me of something (wanking, pornography, drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, etc etc *add in whatever vice you can think of here*). Heck, even she will enter periodically from time to time for no reason. Just open the door and shut it. One glance confirms all. I don't like it this way, and people have been shocked by my almost total lack of privacy. Wanna watch your clandestine downloaded lesbian art films? Not so easy. I can't just 'lock the door'. Being gay is harder if you have no physical private space to hide your 'gayness'. Any gay-related stuff I have is carefully hidden in some obscure cupboard. And so far, nothing's been found. Oh well, I guess you can say that I've perfected the art of secrecy and hiding, up to the point it becomes second nature to me. If I can hide the physical manifestations of me (lesbian films etc), I can as easily hide the emotional without it bothering me. Of cos, everything has a limit. That's why, dude, I AM OUT!.

But there are still many closets in this house. And the only way you won't be disturbed . . . is in the toilet.

That's the place I run to when I'm mad or sad and need to cry. Far away from prying eyes. That's the place where I do alot of thinking, from the most mundane to the monumental.

In fact, I figured out sex while taking a poop (gross eh?). It was at age nine, and there I was figuring out how the hell women could get pregnant. Maybe it's becos she sat on the guy's lap? Or maybe, she sat on the seat just vacated by a man? But that's impossible! Pregnant is physical. Baby is inside, therefore, something must go into the woman.

0_0!

By shouting out to mom, I confirmed my suspicions.

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That was years ago. Today, I had one realisation. And oddly, it's the most poignant realisation of growing up. And also, the most stupid of avenues for one to have a 'poignant realisation' I suppose.

PE. I will never have another PE lesson in my life from now on. Ever. No longer will I be made to do group exercises or play physical games every few times a week, whether I like it or not. No more weekly captain's ball, basketball, netball, soccer or softball (which is the PE ritual in S C G S). No more of such games. And especially, captain's ball. Like which adult sports group plays captain's ball? People will play the 'proper' games like basketball or whatever but captain's ball? Dude, we're adults, not kids.

You can say that, 'oh you could organise sports games with your friends and play you know?' But seriously, will they play every week? And even so, will they play in the first place? There are very, VERY few people in class whom I can think of, who would agree to come down to N J on a non-school day to play some sports. If that's the case, then that rules out team sports like netball etc. All that's left is racket, one on one type of games. Other than that, people might only agree to do running-related sports activities where the goal is to lose weight! And not have fun. Let's face it. In the future, it will be difficult for us to have PE style fun like we do in the past.

And as our Indian PE teacher was telling me and QJ that last day of PE, 'aiyoh, why you miss PE?? It's your last PE you know that.' I just sat that and nodded, feigning my illness. Obviously I can't suddenly stand up, all healed and energetic, ready to play right? But the gravity of that statement didn't sink in till today. PE. It may not mean much to you, right now in the midst of your A levels. But you don't know what you've got till its gone. There is no more PE the rest of your life people. What has been a staple for the school-going you is now gone and there's nothing you can do to grab it back. Does anyone even care?? PE holds alot of memories for me, and it was the only non-academic bit of school that really amounted to stress-relief. It was the only thing you could really term as 'fun'. Sports CCAs aren't fun when they're stressful. But PE is absolutely zero stress.

No more PE means I'm going to step in the next phase of my life. That of university, work and adult stuff. I'm no more the kid of yesteryear cos I've shed what was arguably the last bastion of kiddom. PE. Yes, in a way, I still feel like a child inside. Not even teenager. 18? What's that? Just a number. Recently, I've started missing my playground. Seeing it that day filled me with nostalgia. I just had to play in it again and started climbing up the stairs, stomping on the shaking bridge. Although I've grown larger, it wasn't that much larger so I could still fit inside the place. But seeing something so adult disheartened me. People vandalised, 'sex at 32759345 number' and many other crude vulgarities on it. Like hello? This is where small children play! How are they gonna respond when they see all these things? People have clouded the innocence of the young with the stain of the adult world. And seeing it made me resent what 'adult' really represents. It's not just the enlargement of academic/job/financial opportunities. It's the loss of innocence.

And we're all guilty as charged now.

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Don't feel like growing older. Age will drag me kicking and screaming along with it. Whatever the case, I feel forever 12.

Friday, October 07, 2005

People, if you have yet to catch on the trend on this blog. Let me now spell it out for you.

I will be blogging a bare minimum. And sometimes not at all, from now till 'A' Levels are well and truly over. So feel free to remove me from your 'favourites' bar on top (Haha, that's if I exist there).

But mostly, I won't be blogging at all. Anyway, there isn't much to blog about when 3/4 of your existence revolves around studies now. Yes, I've never had to mug so hard before in my life. And after this period is over, the nightmares about sitting for exams will haunt my future slumbers forever. And ever.

Welcome to the hereafter of the 'A' levels. . .

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P.S. To cut short blogging time, I will just mention that I've been poked by my chinese physician every friday since two weeks ago. Going for TCM to get some herbs/presciption for my 'ailments' should be rather low in excitement level right? Wrong. He kept saying 'zhen ziu' when diagnosing the treatment for me and I just kept nodding my head even though I couldn't understand a word he was saying. Then after 3 zhen zius, I realised he meant accupuncture.



*screams silently*

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Archbishop supports new book that challenges church line on gays.

Gays and the Future of Anglicanism published this week. The Archbishop of Wales has welcomed a ‘cogent’ new book by 22 leading theologians that argues for gay people’s inclusion within the Anglican ministry. Written by ‘some of the finest theological minds’, it challenges the moratorium on gay consecrations and same-sex blessings of the Anglican Communion. ‘This book throws down a formidable challenge to the Anglican Communion. It cannot afford to ignore it’ he commented.

The arguments advanced for including gay people within the church and its ministry deserve to be read and pondered by all who are involved in the debate on human sexuality. They deal in depth with the issue from the perspective of scripture, tradition and experience, by scholars who know what they are talking about. The arguments advanced here show up the superficiality and even the shallowness of the 1998 Lambeth plenary on the same topic and should also give the Anglican Church in many places cause for penitence for the way it has treated and thought about gay people. We desperately need a listening and study process on this topic in the Communion as has long been recommended to no avail and it is good that the ACC at its meeting this year has now agreed to gather material from across the Communion. It might find, as the WCC found when it gathered material from all its member churches and as this book demonstrates that sexual sins are not the only sins and are not even the main sins according to scripture; that theology has to be open to the possibility of encountering God’s revelation of truth in new and novel ways – that’s what the doctrine of the Spirit means and that what is often lost in the so called debate about human sexuality is the fact that we are talking about real persons with real feelings. This book throws down a formidable challenge to the Anglican Communion. It cannot afford to ignore it.

Dr Barry Morgan

Saturday, October 01, 2005

There is something wrong with blogger. Either way.

Haven't been blogging much cos I have zero time. Yes. Zero time. Every minute of my life right now is cramped with study, break, study, break (and occasional exercise not to lose weight, but to relieve stress). And blogging does not constitute break at the moment. Even resting and 'breaking' is filled with immense guilt for not studying. Just like what S J says on her blog few days back. But the only difference is that, as a mugger, the temptation to slack now seems . . . virtually non-existent. That, or it only hits after doing half a maths paper.

Prelims was a let-down. Frankly. When you deprove. You deprove. Period. And it couldn't come at a time worst than this. The last 'real' exam practice before 'A' s. I don't really want to make excuses for myself that, 'oh the paper was hard' blah blah, the fact was you bombed some of them. So face it, elsa. Ok. I'm not gonna give a shit about this prelims or mull over it anymore. The only good thing I can say is that complacency is not a word in my vocabulary right now.

School feels like an 'object' right now. Something you 'use' and feel almost nothing for. It's sad when school, or school as you knew it in S C, was something full of worth to you (even when you're gone). Oh well, cannot absolutely wait for monday! I will be playing squash with W T. I imagine that will do wonders for stress relief. Exercise seems like the only real escape from reality now, cos leisure makes me think of 'GO BACK TO THE BOOKS NOW!!!'

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Despite this rather bleak period. A milestone has ocurred in my life. One small step for us. One giant leap for progress. One of the major reasons I really really as hell wanted to go overseas was becos of the fact that they have GLBT youth groups there in universities. But now, I've come to realise that when I come back to S'pore, there'll still be none. So the problem is never ever going to go away. And queer youth are made all the 'poorer' for it.

Yes, it's coming. I can so feel it. And I feel empowered with the support of others who believe in this as passionately as I do, and am encouraged (and thankful) for adults, gay organisations and counselors in the government (!) who are helping us. There are so many ideas, so many things to do, so many . . possiblities. So many responsiblities too. And the most important thing of all, queer youth will finally have that space I seeked but couldn't find in S'pore.

We are the pioneers.

If there's one thing I've learnt from all this, it is the fact that nothing in life is handed to you on a platter. Free. You want something? Work for it. It doesn't exist? Well, then create it! Yes, impossible is possible. Your immaterial dream can be made real. And to quote Bjork, "It's in our hands. It always was." So look no further. Cos change can start with you.

Define purpose (besides being a good christian). I have found one, in this sometimes aimless existence.

For the first time in my life, I'm doing something that I want to do. Not for grades, or money, or becos a teacher put me to it, or for project work. Or for my selfish self. But for you. I probably would never do this, if not for the extremity of experience that I've gone through. All the youths involved went through some sort of hell before too. A survivor is duty-bound to help others trying to survive. And for this, maybe, just maybe, that time you prayed about making the right choice in telling? Maybe this was what God intended all along. I don't know, don't profess to know anything about God's plans. But either way . . . I thank and am grateful for all that has come to pass.





"Destiny is calling me"
-Mr Brightside, the Killers