Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Random queer knowledge of the day:

What do Quincy Jones, Deepak Chopra, and Olympic figure skater Michelle Kwan have in common? They're gay =)

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Science/story?id=1034434&page=1

S C G S!!! My beloved.

N J's celebrations. Insignificant. I was studying temperature while lousy singers sang. The council production made it passable. In fact, it was the only part I liked. Then later, waited intermittently looong for rose-linda to show up. So I wilted at atrium benches with my notes, and S J, waiting for the buffet to be finished by teachers so that we can descend on the leftovers later. The food looked so damn good. Me and S J were salivating, so was H er mie. After an hour or so (felt like years to me), my dearest bearer-of-good-news softballer/councillor comes and tell me that its a free for all now! And just in time, the rose and M AY showed up, so we all helped ourselves (except for r ose). Nice food =)

S C G S!!! OMG! I'm so THOROUGHLY HAPPY I went today. Cos I saw her.

We had just came down the stairs from the staffroom. (The teachers were up at gallery 3 eating on banquet tables like royalty. Students weren't allowed to disturb their feasting so people were just queueing up outside hoping to get in. Staff room was off-limits) . . . and there she was. I saw her from the back first. In her R J uniform, standing out (literally) from the crowd. Her hair was in braids, her bod so perfect in those clothes. And for me, sometimes, the second most beautiful thing after a girl's face is just right below ... her neck. And S Y has a neck to die for. She was just so damn good-looking I could stay at my spot forever and stare. But of cos, we went to the amphi instead.

But I still wanted to see her! This is my only chance! So I suggested that we sit down at the amphi for awhile cos I was tired and it was cooling there. Surprisingly, they agreed. When I sat down, I realised I couldn't see her! Noo! I could only see part of her clique at the corridor. Then, as if God himself sensed what I wanted, the whole clique came inside the amphi and sat 1 metre! . . . away from us. Omg. I could have dropped dead from this sheer stroke of luck/ miracle from heaven. Thus, it began . . . around 15 minutes of discrete admiration of (in my opinion, s c's hottest babe). Now I could see her face better! And it's perfect! What can I say? Her skin was tanned and seemingly flawless. Body structure rocks, hair neatly in braids. Face so beautiful. . Then it occured to me that she looked regally beautiful. There are some girls who look normally beautiful and worse, there are others who look ah-lian beautiful. (I fall below these categories). And then, you have, the classy sort of beauties. S Y has that look. My gosh . . . It was so good to be able to see her again. This is probably my last time. Gosh, I can't get over how she looks. 100% pure eye candy. If you've seen her in real life (photos just do no justice to the real person, though she is photogenic), you'd surely agree (if you don't, dude there's something wrong with your taste man!).

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I was already so happy. Delirious actually. That whether I ate meepok later became a non-issue. At first, I wanted to go s c just for meepok. Not for her. But now, I realised that she's better than meepok. 100000 times better. And I also realised, that next time, I'm more likely to choose girls over food. I was just so happy already. Even if you can't have that someone, seeing someone so astounding is happiness already. My gosh, my head was really swirling in the clouds.

So yea, I ate meepok. Two bowls cos one bowl was so damn leeeettle! And then she came into the canteen! Wow. God's too good to me. Too good. When you see someone from afar, it's very hard for the person to realise that someone is staring at them. So I took a good look. Plus, S Y as a whole person looks very good. Then she sat down near my table. 0_0 Okay enough said.

After we ate meepok, the rest went to see teachers but I was already . . . mission(s) accomplished! I'm glad I listened to ying's advice and go today, when I can see her.

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After two years, you still never fail to turn my head just like yesterday. . .

Monday, August 29, 2005

Dreams. Recently, my dreams have begun to intrigue me.

A week ago, I had some sort of a warning dream. Unfortunately, it sorta came after the danger had passed. Before I slept and had the dream, I was in the living room contemplating whether to abolish studying for the moment and do something else instead. I chose to carry on studying. When it was nap time, I went to bed and I had this dream. I dreamt of an alternate reality, whereby instead of choosing a) to study, I had chosen b) to have fun, instead. And there I witnessed the immediate negative repercussions of my other choice. And the thing is, the dream felt so real. It was as though somebody was playing a computer game, and had decided to play the game again to check out the alternate ending. Cos during that dream, I felt like I was living what might have happened one two hours ago.

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But nothing beats last night's dream. It was probably the most astounding one I've had. I think inside all of us, there is this really massive and incredible untapped potential, that we don't know of. And in the conclusion of my dream last night, I saw a little bit of this in me. I'll tell you what it is later. But for now ...

I had just slept, or so I thought. Cos I was kinda semi-conscious lying on my bed, and in my head, I was thinking of probable GP discussions. Not surprising considering the fact that I had just studied GP before sleep and as of late, I had an uncanny knack of dreaming about real world events (see above, and also, I rarely dream about my reality, it was usually a fantasy world).

Then change! I was in a computer game. Ahh, one of my all-time fave dream sequences. I always dream about computer games. I don't know why. Maybe it's withdrawal symptoms, I have not played a single game for months. Anyway, there was a difference this time around. In the past, such dreams always entailed fear and aimless running, cos I was playing an FPS (first person shooter) in some sort of DOOM or prison environment. Either way, it was usually scary. However, this time . . . there was no fear! The only thing that bothered me was the big crab half submerged in the water, in front of the padlocked gate. I tried stabbing it with some massive toothpick/spear thingy, but it didn't quite work out. Other than that, it was mostly a puzzle solving game. I'm not too sure about the details, but the crab stands out from my memory. I still remember what it looks like.


When I finally won the game, I stepped out of the gaming environment into ... scgs!! What the hell was I doing back in school? Then, weirdly, there were N J people sprawling on the corridor with paper plates filled with the porridge my maid had cooked last night (another real world event!). They were all eating it and apparently, it seemed like I had provided it. And there was p o k, junior softballer, and I was helping him scoop mushy onto his plate. It was beside the SC primary school courtyard.

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Change scene! Suddenly, I was lying in bed again. There was a thin book in my hands, its pages were yellowed and a little frayed. Like the sort of books printed in the '80s and handed down to you by your mother. It was a book of poems, and I was reading one of them. I remembered it being very very long. Cos I kept flipping the pages and reading, even though the font was small. And also there were parts that I couldn't really grasp. But isn't that how our first readings of poems are? Not comprehending really, just getting a feel. However, the interesting thing was, the poem was about gay love. I have never dreamt about homosexuality before. Although prominent events should have triggered my psyche to dream about this earlier. Gay as in, male homosexual love. Considering that it does not appeal to me as cos it ain't even applicable, it's a wonder why I dreamt this theme in the first place.

But the thing is, this poem was so .... indescribable. It was so innocent and honest in its expression. It was about some teenage boy, who loved his other friend. There were references to church and letter-writing amongst other things. And the whole feel of the poem was so ... 'American Beauty', suburban America kind of feeling. It made me think of people swinging on swings on lawns during the evenings, of I dunno, white picket fences and family life, church and friendship. And in the midst of this all, was this boy's love for another which he hid. I mentioned flipping the pages right? Cos when you read the poem, the 'flow' of the poem is very fast and yet contemplative at the same time. At the end of each line was a short, sharp, word, connecting to the next line. So it reads in continuum, bringing you through the events one after another, like a flashback.

And there it is! A flashback! The poem was written by someone older, recalling his teenage years. And it was obviously close to his heart, cos the poem was incredibly long, each stanza around six seven lines, and a few pages at that. So there was alot to express and give shape to through words. The last part came as a shock. All of a sudden, the fluid, lyrical and alomst dreamy language became quite bitter and adult in nature (i.e. there were expletives). Before that, the poem was related from the perspective of a young person. In the last part, the poem was being told through an aged, cynical person, who could not belief for the gall of him that he actually fell for such a person in his life. He couldn't believe that out of all the people, he had to pick this one as his first love. It seemed that his anger took away his abiltiy to write beautifully, and such a lousy ending spoiled the poem.

But the front was so beautiful! I remember waking up and actually remembering one poignant line from the poem. But the memory quickly vanished, though its essence still lingers and proves to me the poem's impact on me. Good poems about homosexuality are few and far between. Most of the ones I've read online are short and amateurish at best. But this one, it's length and chronological recounting of events reminded me of my fave T S elliot poem. Most importantly, this poem put a human face, one which straight people can emphatise with, to homosexual love. Alot of people cannot understand why and how gay love works, but this poem seems to whisper it softly, so that one can liken it to the love that they identify with. As I read finish the poem, I heard my mother call me to dinner. Then I made a mental note to post this poem up on my blog later, for it was so splendid. So I closed the book, and realised that it was light blue in colour for this was the first time I saw the front. I tried to remember the title of the book, it was white colour and said, 'Poems something' and below it was the name of the author/person who compiled all the poems. (Coincidentally, I also read what the name of the author of that poem was, it was very long and I can't remember. It was either european or middle eastern or something other than short American names).

And when I closed that book. And looked upon the title to commit it to memory. I woke up.

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You could probably infer a million things from this poem. For example, how the length of the poem is reminiscent of the length of my first poem about love (but mine pales in comparison), how I might actually be a gay male living in a girl's body (what bullshit) etc etc. But I'm not interested in all these.

For the only thought I had when I woke up was that... I had dreamt up an entire pages long poem. I definitely didn't read it from somewhere. This poem is nothing like I've ever read before about homosexual love. It was completely . . . created. And now I've forgotten every word of it. Trying, in vain and desperation, to grab at nothing in the recesses of my dream memories.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

I shall copy my junior and do this 'people list'!

10 types of people I can't stand
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1. People who hates gays (duh)

2. People who feel that mugging is the one true way to live and thinks that others should do the same too.

3. People who are ignorant and make unhelpful comments.

4. People who think they're right all the time. Everytime.

5. People who have inflated egos and think they're the best and everyone else owes them something.

6. People who take me for granted.

7. People who expect the most ridiculous things from you (like cheng. study 10 hours per weekend day? crazy bitch)

8. People who don't know when to shut up.

9. People who are selfish, self-centred, such that every single thing they do is only for themselves.

10. People who bitch behind your back but smile in front of you.

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Note: this ain't directed to anybody in particular but represents a mosaic of parts of people's characters that I've had the misfortune (or fortune depending on how you see it) to encounter during my life journey.

I probably exhibit some parts of these and therefore yes! I am intolerable, even to myself! In fact, what I can't stand most about myself is the inablity to control jealousy. Especially if I really like some people. Pity my future girlfriend! (if she even exists... =0)

But here's something nicer =)

10 types of people that I can stand very well! (i.e. I like)
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1. People who are selfless (they are a real source of admiration for me. Really)

2. People who are strong in God and stick to their principles. BUT yet, have the sophistication to respect other's different moral viewpoints (though it may contradict their own).

3. People who love softball =)

4. People who are straight and have no qualms/issues engaging me about GLBT stuff (I will LOVE you to death cos there are very very few people like that)

5. People who are not afraid to stand up for what they believe in, instead of slinking in a corner and hiding behind that contrived barrier of 'safety'.

6. People who dare to be themselves and don't care what others think of them

7. People who can see those little known beauties in life and hence, the bigger picture.

8. People who take an interest in me. (Hmmm, haha)

9. People who are hot, gorgeous and female =D

10. People who are hot, gorgeous and female; and take an interest in me. =DDD

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Random ephiphany of the day:

In between the transition from sec4 to j1, I became more feminine. I thought that would make me like boys more (cos now I look more like a girl).

But no, it just made me more of a lipstick lesbian.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Today was wonderful =)

Got a message from Jeremy a few days back asking if I would like to celebrate my birthday with Levis. I wasn't sure if I should agree to it cos a) time spent socialising is time wasted in studying, and b) I didn't want to inconvenience others. The b) reason was stronger becos I thought that he was just being his over-generous self again, and wasn't sure that the other cell members would agree to it and actually 'warm' to the idea of celebrating my birthday. After all, we've only known each other for less than half a year? And that I've only spoken to some of the guys in Levis once or twice? It came as a surprise then, that it actually materialised. And today I find myself on the train with chem energetics notes, thinking about the coming hours with ambivalence. I didn't know what to expect really, though there were grandoise and overly rosey images. We all like to fantasize and blow up reality once in a while don't we?

So they all had dinner first. And then we had cell inside church itself. Levis is the all-male cell group after all, and frankly I felt quite out of place at first, cos technically, I was their first female member. But things got quite comfortable as we lounge on the cushions and starting talking about God and our experiences. For example, our strained relationships and how God made a difference in our lives. I like the way people related their personal lives so easily and there was plenty of laughter around. In fact, I enjoyed the discussion so much that I even forgot the basic reason I was here. Then suddenly, at the end of cell, they brought out a cake (black forest from Bengawan Solo) and I finally remembered today's purpose. After lighting the candles and offing all the lights in church, they sang me a birthday song in the darkness and took camera phone photos. Then we all cut the cake and ate it. After that, they gave me a card (from iprints) in which all of them wrote messages and which, Jeremy decorated and even wrote a poem for me in.

And it was only on the train ride home later, that I realised that that poem was the first poem anyone has ever given me. Plus Kavin who is very friendly, but whom I don't know very well, was the one who bought my cake.

It was more than I could ask for frankly, more than I had expected, coming from people whom I see only once a week and sometimes not at all. More importantly, was the fact that our friendships were so new that I was surprised they even bothered. Though I'm pretty sure it had alot to do with cajoling on Jeremy's part, I was happy nonetheless. Of cos, the ultimate deal was if they all brought me to my first club later, but then... I have school tomorrow.

But in all, I didn't regret coming. Cos I was really touched (and thanked them profusely for that)
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You know, in the past, I thought Newton's third law would be applicable to relationships. That is, an intital force would warrant an equal reaction force from the other party. So I thought that to give and expect something in return, wasn't exactly such a bad mindset to live by. After all, when you keep giving but others don't respond, it can get disheartening sometimes right? And though I tell myself that an act of giving should not ask for an act of recompense in return, sometimes, I just can't help but feel that way. It is human nature anyway. And it does show I guess. I do hate it when my emotions are easily read. But disappointment is hard to hide, especially if it's close to you. And when you've done so much youself. It just makes me question, what went wrong? What did I do to make things this way? I could think up of all sorts of reasons for the lack of reaction force but when I think deeper, I know I wouldn't act this way. Why I wonder? Do I only mean *this much*? To you?

On the other hand, I too have been guilty sometimes of the very thing that I lament right now. It really touches me when people remember certain things about me. Like how WT still remembers I like 'crunchie' bars, and mel, you actually know of my birthday date. But then, I ask myself, what have I done in return for them? Look at Jeremy, he's done more than I could and would ask for. Buying me lesbian stuff which he knows I would like, arranging this little celebration and the card/poem. What have I done for him in return? NOTHING. Really. I've done nothing in comparison. And I wonder what I did to deserve all these in the first place, all these little gestures of friendship from people I never really appreciate consciously?

Knowing this, I tell myself that I won't make such a mistake next time. That I would shower love on those who have showered love on me without asking for anything in return. Cos that is a most noble thing and christ-like thing to do. So to all those whom I hold close to my heart, don't worry I won't forget you. I'll do what I think is most sincere and write to you. And to Jeremy, he's sure to get a heart-felt letter for his birthday. Though that would be in the middle of prelims, I always believe that there is a time for friends no matter how busy you are. (of cos I'll also be smart and write it in advance!). And I'll try to learn how to give more and ask less. Cos that would be what Jesus would do.... You know, though people find this hard to believe. I do wish sometimes you could glimpse my world and see it just for a moment. Cos it's possible for you to see God in the gay world too. It just depends if you choose to open your eyes to see it or not.

But sometimes, I do find it sad... that when you're drowning, it is the stranger that saves you but not your friend standing on the shore.... And that makes me sad more than anything else.

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My 18th birthday. This is when I become legal. When I become an 'adult' in the eyes of the law. It meant alot to me, but it gave me a few surprises here and there instead.

Irony. Talk about a bittersweet 18th.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Half an hour more and my special day would be over =(


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Anyway, THANKS to WT (I can't believe you still remember my 'crunchie bar') and all who celebrated my birthday with me today! But I forgot to bring home my 'birthday sign' ack!

Thanks also to all the people who messaged me and wished me a 'happy birthday!'

I AM LEGAL!! WOOHOO!! But the unfortunate thing called 'a' levels dictates that I study today as well =(
And I did. Are you happy now Cheng? I've been a good girl...

Taken from a lesbian's blog (eh mel? thanks!):

'It makes me angry that my country is so violently opposed to how I live my life. Even if I am a student just like you, if I live and love just like you, if I love my family just like you, go to church and worship just like you, am as susceptible to pain and heartbreak as you are, sit for the same exams like you do, ask for a phone number and have dinner dates like you do (not jump into bed straight from a club) - we even bleed like everyone does. The people I have elected to love negates all that, and I am automagically transformed into the antithesis of family and values and all things good. My prime minister urged me, in a speech two days ago, to take opportunities offered abroad but to always remember this is home, and consequently remember to build my family here because this is the best place to raise my kids. Apparently. Since I know our definition of "family" differs greatly and can never intertwine, then this rules out everything. I will not stand for living in an environment where my government thinks it knows better than I do, where a church thinks it can change me, where my future employer my insurance firm my bank will not give my future spouse any legal standing since (unlike the imagination of our mothers and our grandmothers) there is no euphemistic term like "very very very good girl friend".'

This took the words right out of my mouth. I once pondered about the possiblity to migrate overseas to escape this 'home' I have. But living elsewhere has it's own set of problems. And for every place that is gay-tolerant, it was never 'made' that way. Somewhere, in the not so distant past, people fought for the rights that they now have, and strived to carve out a place for themselves in a once homophobic society. Going to a safe place, isn't going to make the world any safer for others. And if everyone did that, there wouldn't be improvements in gay rights and gay activists now. The thing is, running away isn't going to solve the problem. The best one can do is at least try to help out. Cos I know how... how much those who have bothered to change gay-phobic S'pore, have made a difference in my life. I thorougly thank god for all the gay activists that S'pore has. Without them, I would be helpless now. Utterly helpless and feeling totally shattered. Outcast. Isolated. An island on my own. All it took was one single trip to the PPC. And meeting all the fateful people, which linked me to so many more other things. I don't know if anyone else has made a momentous decision, that once gone through, would totally jolt you out of what you think life would be. But more importantly, that you can live your life the way you know is honest. No more lying to yourself, to God, to others.

No matter how difficult and inconvenient and the numerous times I've had to dodge parent's questions. No matter the darkened streets and prostitutes and questionable construction workers I have to by pass. No matter the age gap between me and the other women/men, no matter the fact that I only know one or two youths my age. Taking this plunge is probably one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. Ever. I can't say how radically it's changed. And how much more after the 'A's, it will continue to change.

Yeah, all the outside, it all seems difficult sometimes. But rather than be a wholesome apple with a rotten core. . .



I know I ain't lying anymore. To myself.

INtroducing... the world's hottest babe
ALESSANDRA AMBROSIO!!!!







Am I pretty? Am I pretty? Of cos I'm so pretty. You can't take your eyes off of me huh?? =DDDDD

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Think in the past there was some famous song called, 'I will survive'. It's actually a secret gay anthem. And there are lots more famous songs I think that were written with hidden gay messages in it.


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Oh, and GLBT shock(s) of the day:

Shar o n A U is lesbian. She has a butch girlfriend and has a public boyfriend for show.
Irene A N G came to my church with her girlfriend. She also sometimes host the lesbian 'pageants' in Zouk/Gotham. It's either Femmequest or Butchhunt. Can't remember which.
When I sprained my ankle, my radiologist was my church friend. I had to put a finger to my lips to silence her subtly when we met in front of my mom.

Actually, if people looked closely enough, or have stronger gaydar, they'd realise that there are many GLBT around them. Just that they don't know. All I've mentioned are visible people who are instantly recognisable. If you count the invisibles, like me. There'd be tons more. The thing is, there's been GLBT since time memoral and there'll continue to be 'people like us' in the future. Hopefully, one day I could contribute to making S'pore stop hiding behind the contrived veil of 'conservative majority' cos we're not as 'minority' as one would like to think. Small little steps at a time. Can't wait for the damn exams to pass so I can really plunge into the youth group thingy. We'd gonna start discussions on it soon! Yay yay!


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Gosh I'm being so random.

A recent change in awareness that has just dawned upon me:

You know when you see close-ups of couples who kiss on TV? Well, what do you focus on? In the past, when I was much younger and up till recently, I unconsciously focused on the girl.


Now, that's the first thing I zoom on in, consciously.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

The Line. O M G. The moment we sat down at our table, me and mommy went around checking out the goods. We walked for at least 10 minutes around the whole area. And I was totally floored by the food selection (like how is it possible for me to try everything? I couldn't try everything and I didn't). Second thing I noticed was how immacutely people were dressed, and I was so careful with handling my plates and cutlery. In case I spilled something and that would be so unglam.

I actually saw an sc senior there. She was one of the ang moh looking gymnast, and she was there with her boyfriend I think. Doubt she'd recognise me. 'Part of the background, never ever in the limelight', low-profile, nerd elsa of s c, haha. I also saw alot of good-looking girls, foreign and local. In fact, there was this pair of tall and nicely slim sisters who were very pleasant to look at. When I walked around and came back without food, I was in effect ... cruising.

We ate for more than 2 hours. And the sashimi and satay was really really good. Best satay I've had I think. And the desserts!! 0o0! So many little treats, so little tummy space. But there were dissapointing stuff as well. Plus I mistakenly thought that ordering fruit juice (so cheap right?) would be part of the buffet and ordered 3 of them. Well, it was actually part of ala carte and I unknowingly blew a huge hole in her pocket. Over three fruit juices. After that she was slapping my arm in pissd-off manner ("Ni ze ge si tong si!") Let's just say those 3 drinks is the equivalent of a Genghis Khan buffet meal for one. Yes, now you can imagine her anger.

Well, on the whole, the price doesn't really justify the satisfaction of the meal, which has it's high and low points (one of them being that the chinese food section was sucky and that I ate to such bursting point that my utility from every bite thereafter was a negative). But the ice creams were also good! And they had chocolate fondue! I could write an entire food essay listing all that was available (probably more than 120 selections).

Shall not eat for a VERY LOONG time. Cos tonight, I think I ate the equivalent of 2 and a half days worth of food. Or what Nus eats in a week.

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As you can see, I'm getting quite incoherent. Must be the overbloated stomache.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Colours award today. Let's just say all I cared about was having to get the guts to make my speech and not screw up. Heck, it wasn't that bad. In fact, I thought I sounded quite alright and clear. The only problem was the shaking of my hands (which people can't see) and the fact that people only see my nose and above (cos everything else is obscured by the high podium).

Lost my GP stuff. Damn angry now $(@#(%^(*#%(~!~!

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There was one episode of 'Newly Weds' that I watched on MTV before. In that show, Nick was wearing this really cute shirt I thought. It was black (I think) with the words I like girls in small print on the chest.

If I was totally out one day, and chooses to don pride wear, that's the thing I want.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Went for the EDB 'smooching' session today. Cos obviously, the purpose was to get N J C's presence felt in EDB, so that they will consider it's students' for scholarship. It was actually damn useful. I now realised that I can have a double scholarship. As in, a university (no bond) scholarship and a Government one (got bond, duh). So that I means I get double the money.

I also found out that EDB is located in . .. RAFFLES CITY!!! At one of the highest floors overlooking the damn Padang some more. Of cos, there is the perks of watching National Day Parade for free (and with the excuse that you are working as well). But more importantly, is that I get to watch softball matches!!! OMG. There is like softball right at my doorstep. I know this may seem absolutely trivial to others. Yet somehow to me, this is one of the pull factors that will make me consider working for them. Imagine that! I can have my Subway lunch break, lounging on the grass patch of Padang, watching my beloved softball games. If I can't play softball in the future, the next best thing is to watch it right?

Hope I've made a good enough impression on those I want to. Cos they'll be my ticket to the scholarship. And it's not just the EDB officers/talent scouts that are watching. So is M T, who still bothers to bother about me even though I've no 's' papers anymore. I can't let any of this go to waste. If academics is something I can't depend on this time. The only option I have is interview and portfolio. That's why I hope the after 'A's internship thingy will materialise.

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Right after that, went for the talk in church. Turn-out was surprisingly smaller than expected and things were slow going at first. But then Peter and others started giving really insightful comments, which made me again like him as a preacher and as a thinker. So did Clarence and this gay guy whom I've never met. I was disappointed though that there wasn't the celibate gay as promised. I would've like to hear of people who have actually done it. Heheh, some of the older men turned around to me during the talk and saw that I was in uniform, and tsked tsked for underaged me being present in a talk about sex.

Halfway through, I turned around and realise some of the cute girls from PPC was there. I even got to speak to one of them later. And she was nice to me =) But the one with the absolutely stunning face was talking elsewhere =( . Later, the topic of the youth group came up again and E asked if me and Jeremy were ready for it. Though obviously now is a baddd time to be starting anything commitment heavy, at least I should meet the rest of the potential group once. This means that my next two saturdays are booked, first for the Women's group, and next for the youth one. Yes, prelims are near, but my life cannot be all about studies. Besides, these two things are important to me, cos they'll be the first meetings for both. The only problem I have though, is I must try as hell to psyche myself to study harder to make up for lost time.

Okay! Better get off the damn comp now and sleep! Today was a productive day for me, non-academically. Somehow, I think that was better than spending hours studying


as usual.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Senior's Farewell! =D

Wow. All I can say is, it just totally blew all expectations. And we thought it was gonna get screwed up becos of all the team troubles and increased workload of the juniors. I've never laughed so hard for sucha long time already. And the Limbo Rock segments was one of the funniest! Until now, I can still recall the image of Leon laughing as madly as me a few chairs down. The way we all threw our heads back whenever 2nd or 1st base took centre stage at the line. I could see chris was getting pissed off after awhile and I got kinda worried. But hell, it's so funny I wouldn't have it any other way. The driving game was also fun, entertainment came in the form of 1st and 2nd base as usual. Plus, Est was so bloody good at the darts!

The food selection was smaller compared to last year, but whatever they brought/cooked was damn good stuff. Until now I still crave Reg's chicken wings. His mum can really cook man! As I analysed the little details of the party, I realised that there were a few practical touches here and there. Like for example, they had written our names on our cups, so that we won't keep wasting cups by drinking abit then getting a new cup when we misplaced the old one. That was quite smart I thought. They also decorated the whole function room up, and you could tell there was alot of effort done in the decor and planning of games (which really rocked).

For us last year, I have no idea how the treasure hunt went. But our presents last year were definitely better and harder to make, cos quite a few things had to be done over a long period of time (like the collar pins and printed underwear). Still, I think the memory of the games in this year's farewell would beat the memory of nice trinkets gotten last year. After all, how many of us look back at our old presents? Even those lovely hand-made ones? But for memories, all you do is close your eyes and reach into the past of yours. Plus this time, we were closer to the juniors and we really did mingle together during farewell.

After the farewell, we went up to check out Steph's house and did silly things at the play ground. Like trying to climb up the rope pyramid structure in our flowy skirts (I even contemplated climbing up with heels for a second), and watching the sneaky couple try to grind against each other in the secluded pool. Then we talk the same old cock as usual. Haha, if you know what I mean by the usual. Somehow, it always revolves around a few issues and I'm amazed we can always squeeze so much out of these few topics. After we left the place, we went to Macs and talk some more until quite late at night. I wished we could've stayed longer, cos I know this will probably be the last serious time we can actually all get together and talk like that. I really love the conversations we have, cos there's alot of honesty involved and best of all, people are frank about human nature. If there were displays of 'eww, so gross!' I'd probably be put off immediately. But no, and it was good hearing what they believed in and thought.

Oh well, that's the end of a good loooong night. Here's a few pics ripped from manda's blog:



The 4 people who actually bothered to dress up.


This was me after I won the musical chairs. My legs are above the ground. Haha I have a possessive butt!

Monday, August 15, 2005

Shit!!! I feel like I missed something really great. The GLBT poetry reading at the art gallery was held on 4th August!! That's passed! It was held in conjunction with IndigNation, month of GLBT rights activism, and this is one of the events I would've loved to go for. Sigh sigh sigh! Argh! It would've been so cool. I've never been to a poetry reading but I've seen one on TV before, that was held in San Fransico and it seemed really engaging and interesting. And how freaking rare is this? It's S'pore's first GLBT poetry reading.

Oh and mel, Alfian Sa'at was there reading his poems. (double shit. I hear you guys rave so much about him I'd love to hear his works. And of cos, these poems are definitely unpublished ones. How doubly rare.) So I guess there's your answer about his sexuality. There was also another famous poet, Cyril Wong, but he didn't make it in time for the application.But his poems were still read out by peers though. Some poet called Ng Yi-sheng apparently did slam poetry, it's a form of upbeat, fast-paced kind of animated poetry reading. Would've loved to hear that one also.

ARGHH!! Darn it. Can't cry over spilled milk, honey.

Triple shit. Tomorrow, in like less than 24 hours, there'll be a talk at Mox about gay venues in S'pore in the early days ('60s onwards), what gay life was like then, how did people live? etc and another talk on same-sex love in Asian literature. I WANNA GO!! But I'm just less than one week short of 18! Bloody hell. Can't enter unless I get the help of some people I know. Just one tiny detail . . . I don't have their numbers now! And don't know who else has! Darn, should've gotten hers on Sunday. Ack. By the way, if you're still clueless, Mox is a gay club. But I don't really care where they hold the talks as long as I can listen to them. Doesn't make a difference to me.

Or. I could just ask those who went about how it was. But still. Nothing beats hearing things for yourself.

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Ooh! Thank YOU! For posting this video! Suddenly, I feel very interested in America's Next Top Model. =D

I could sing of Your love forever. Love this song.

There are some days I realise that possibly, I could live my life forever as a sinner. And yet I know that that's the one thing I don't even want to or feel like changing. There's always been a grey area in homosexuality to me. And that was the sex. How do you even define it? And worse, is the fact that I most possibly wouldn't be able to marry a girl in S'pore in my lifetime. For straight people, they can give of themselves when they get married. But how? If you're gay? And people don't legally allow you to marry? What target do I wait for? I know for me, celibacy is something I can't totally imagine. Plus sometimes, when you love somebody, you just wanna be close to them. It's so easy to just do it. Especially when your risk of pregnancy is zero, and risk for STDs is probably the lowest.

And today, the church people mentioned just the thing I needed to hear. There was going to be a sex and sexuality forum held, debating the topic of gay sex and the Bible. And to be fair, there was going to be a spectrum of views, from gays who have vowed to be celibate, and those who aren't. I hope from all the myriad of experiences of others, I can learn to make my own decisions then. But I still have that nagging feeling that I'm pretty decided on what I've planned. That's the problem you see, alot of times, we christians know we're sinners, yet we keep going back to the sins we do and ask for forgiveness time and time again, expecting Him to forgive us everytime. Sometimes, it's inevitable that people take this for granted, thinking God would just forgive me. But yet at the same time, we know fully well that we shouldn't do it but yet we can't help it. Cos it's just human nature.

Don't get me wrong. I don't think that homosexual relations is a sin. The only sinful thing about it that confounds me is the frequency. How much becomes too much? There's this weird thing, I know if I give myself to a guy, I'd feel dirty afterwards. Like it was purely for lust. But if it's a girl, I'd probably be happy. Cos I know I would never sleep with one unless I truly love her. In fact to me, the perfect future would be one whereby I could actually raise a family with another girl. I don't know how practical that is in S'pore. Maybe in the west that's possible. But I know that by then, in my eyes she'd be my wife. And just like married couples, we can do as much as we want. That would become my target then.

There is a lesbian catholic that said to her friend once, ' Everybody is a sinner, in one way or another. And for me to be gay is my sin. Which I chose. Thus, in this way, I'm just like everyone else, who all have different sins. And mine happens to be homosexuality.' I didn't agree with that really. Cos I never thought of it as sinful. Sometimes, I'm skeptical of people who are super sure of their future and what they pledge themselves to do. It's like, sometimes, you are too young to know for sure of your future actions. You'd just never know 100%. Cos if you did, then you're God. I thought I was sure in the past too. I thought I was so sure of myself.

Until I found myself becoming such a bitch for you. And I never thought I could be a bad person. Love, don't underestimate it's power to change you. I don't know for sure. But if in doubt, I guess the best way is just to pray for strength, for the will to be the person that you should be.

But dear people, I know alot of us hold our christian beliefs very strongly to our hearts. But for non-christians, or even christians themselves, who may be different from you, don't think of them as less worthy of a friend becos they're different. Cos there's so much more to friendship than mutual beliefs. There is really so much more. And if you really want to be godly in Christ, learn to love those who are hard to love. One of the most difficult people to love is those who've hurt you.

But I'm trying and I know I can. Cos it's worth it.

Friday, August 12, 2005

The most utterly ridiculous thing happened today.

I have never felt more shame and ridicule than today. It was so ridiculous. Words cannot express how ridiculous it is. I guess for those who were present and saw it, the feeling can only be really captured then. The stupidest action I've ever done. And right after Thai Noodle House some more. I laughed so hard at myself that my tummy hurt so bad. It was so embarrasing I wanted to hide behind manda. And kick Q J in the shins cos he kept 're-enacting' what happened.

Either way, I don't wanna talk about it. If you're interested, you can just ask me. But most likely, I wouldn't be very forthcoming about it. Who wants to talk about ugly stuff anyway?


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Alessandra Ambrosio = Heaven.

Don't you think she's so pretty?? My head is spinning . . . Sometimes I can't understand why others are different from me. Ain't the female face the most perfect thing ever? There's a reason why female models are paid more than male ones. Oh well, different tastes for different people.

Why d'ya have to be so cute?

It's impossible to ignore you.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

I want a Tan-through swimsuit arrghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I finally made my pilgrimage to the theatre today. To catch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with WT.

Well, it was quite . . . okay. Here's the bad first: At the start it was very nice, but after awhile, the 'deaths' started getting predictable. And then I started becoming aware of the fact that I'm actually watching a movie and I was actually in a movie theatre. The hallmark of great cinematic experiences to me is that I'm so immersed in the experience that I don't realise what's going on around me. Even after awhile, the easily amused WT laughed lesser and lesser. Plus, I wished that they had shown more rooms of the factory, cos that's really what I wanted to see. The crazily wonderful and weird rooms of the factory.

But there were nice bits such as Depp (!). He can really pull off a scary face sometimes. Maybe it had to do with the make-up but his expressions were very well done. And I really like the part where they were let loose in the garden with the chocolate river. It kinda reminded me of Hansel and Gretel, where you could actually eat the 'structures' around you. Plus, Violet's mom looks a hell lot like jennie finch. So there's the obligatory babe of the show (not that I'm complaining!). Still, of all the Roald Dahl movies, my fave remains James and the Giant Peach. I love that fact that it was a stop-motion picture, using puppets and not real people. I love anything like Wallace and Gromit, or Nightmare of Christmas.

Before the show, we were walking towards Wheelock and guess who we saw going up the escalator? S I E and C H U A!!! The old sc teachers. And then I realised with a newfound jolt. The old sc lesbian teachers. It just suddenly dawned on me what I've been seeing and hearing as gossip all those past years. How relevant it actually was to me! And there they were . . . together as expected. I was real excited to see anything remotely sc, cos that place holds so many many deep memories for me. I made WT run up the stairs with me to catch them. When I hit the landing, I half-expected to see them holding hands. Somehow. But of cos, what was I thinking? This is s'pore. Land of the conservative. Plus, knowing the reputation of sc girls (a.k.a. shopping centre, s.c., girls) they would probably be swarming the whole of Orchard on a holiday. They couldn't possibly risk anything and be seen in a compromising light. Of cos they weren't holding hands, but what I saw was enough. We greeted them, exchanged pleasantries and all (told them we were going to catch a movie, they said they were going for a bite), then I asked C H U A if she remembered my name. 'Haha' she chuckled, 'they always like to ask this question. You ah? Beautiful girl la.' Though I'd liked to think she really meant that, obviously she had forgotten my name. I still can read between the lines, lit teacher! I guess they wanted to be left alone, so we parted ways soon after. I don't really want to intrude to much into their outing either, but it was just great to see them.

Even though they probably don't miss me that much (duh), I have some sort of respect and wonderment about them. They and I have a lot in common, more than I realised in the past. I guess in a way, that makes me see them more than as vessels of instruction to me. They're people too. If I had a chance, I would love very much to sit down and talk to them about it. I wonder how they actually pulled it off. To live this sort of life. There is some disenchantment sometimes in the gay community. About how gay love doesn't last. Becos there is no end point in sight. And that end point is marrige. Gay people aren't allowed that in s'pore. Unlike in the west, where you can get married or a civil union cert. And starting a gay-parents type of family there is not something unseen. But I guess it really depends on the person you meet, and whether you're willing to bear society's obstacles. Chua and S I E have been together for a veryyy long time (they knew each other since sec school) and there is a guy in my church who has been with only one partner all his life, for more than 10 years already. Plus your lesbian aunt that you told me, who's close to 50 and living with a woman.

Sigh, it would be really nice to talk to them. I know. I wish. Maybe one day during Women's Nite, they would suddenly waltz in together. Then they'll see me there. Then they would know. But of cos, chances are that they're satisfied being on their own. Nevermind, it was still good to see them nonetheless.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Since everybody is talking about National Day celebrations in school. I shall talk about that too. Besides, I've done a gazillion maths questions and feel like typing now.

Kids! So utterly adorable!! Sigh . . . The moment we entered the Raintree and saw them, I was squealing 'soo cutee!!' already. And gave MUCH thanks to God that we got the kids and not the elderly. More thanks was given when I saw some of the soccer guys walking pitifully and painfully slowwwwwww with the elderly. (They had their arms linked, elderly and young man, so he had no choice but to slow down).

Back to the kids. . .

Repeat: They are so adorable!!! So cute! Even though you know it's highly probable that most of them will grow up to be oily, ugly, gangly or fat and pimply teenagers like us, you just gotta treasure them at their 'pure' stage. So there was drawing first for the kids. Once we swarmed around them, (like a bunch of vultures in my opinion, hovering and stalking above them) it seems like everyone found their 'kid' for the day. Mindy found her lookalike Wayne (and she was pratically fawning over the thing), Nana find Isabella- the Neat and Tidy (how appropriate!!! Isabella will become smart in life as she has been 'touched' by the brain). Manda was lurking with Zen (who has a massive head) much later.

And I found Booboo.

He was so cute! As in mannerisms cute. At first, he was more intimidating with his massive specs and intense drawing. Plus he was quite difficult to talk to, cos I couldn't get his 'Booboo' speak. He would say something and I would just nod and smile. But he was so adorable! sigh . . . (seems like my vocabulary can't muster anything more than 'adorable' and 'cute'). When Booboo laughed, his smile just totally brightened me up. Now I see the allure in small children. Cos when they're happy, they spread the happiness so naturally. It's different when an adult smiles, it mostly has no effect on you.

But unfortunately, Booboo left me soon after. Then we escorted the kids to LT5 to watch the performance, which was very good. Especially dance. I think their routines are getting quite original now, there's alot of moves that I don't usually see elsewhere. Dance could go quite far next year. Anyway. After the show, we entertained the kids more by blowing bubbles and letting them burst the bubbles. Isabella became psychotic, literally, over the bubbles. Wayne was so cute! The first time I saw him smile was when he spat in Mindy's face haha! And like Booboo, that smile was like magic. It just lit up the whole room, or at least, the part of the room which saw his smile. And then later, when he was eating his sausage, the thing kept popping in and out of his mouth and it looked so cute! (although at the same time, it also looked grossly suggestive).

Chua was as usual, 'being' cute.

Hmm, I wanna have adorable kids near me in the future. But of cos, you can always go bother relatives' kids. That way, there is no hassle of having to actually clean the kid's poopoo. I'll only do that for Princess. (I sometimes scoop up freshly squeezed out 'sausages' from Princess' ass/reproductive canal . . . with a net, before the thing sinks to the tank bottom. I also get edgy and frustrated when I see them swimming around with the stuff trailing them for ages. I'd wish it would fall off so I can scoop them up. But anyway, I'm starting to digress . . .

National day celebration in N J, was actually the most meaningful one I've ever had. And how appropriate. We're National J C after all . .


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Fishtank fact of the day: I discovered that I have been giving myself mild electrical shocks lately. Sometimes, when I dip the net into the water, I get this jerky and sharply painful spasms in my hand. It felt really weird. At first, I thought it was just muscle cramps acting up. But I realise I only got it when a) my hand was touching metal part of net which was immersed in water, b) my hand was in contact with tankwater, c) my hand was resting on top of tank which was wet. And it ONLY happened when either of the three occurs. So it must have something to do with the tank. I also realised that the spasms felt like . . . a buzz. Or some sort of nervous shock. It made my fingers curl after each shock. After a long while (and many spasms later), I finally put two and two together and dipped my fingers into the water for a 'test'. Bzzt! Shock. Kaching! I hit the jackpot! I've been mildly electrocuting myself lately. I guess it has something to do with the light fixtures under the tank cover but hmm, guess I'll just be more careful from now on.

Maths can drive you crazy. Today, I had a little chuckle over what I wrote for maths homework last time.

What I wrote:
Y~Bo (50, 0.02)

What Chua wrote back:
BO = Body odour???

All the Pearlscales have gone to heaven.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

You're telling me to love someone that's hard to love. I promise you I'll try.

After all that's happened, how can it not be hard? People might not even recall the events that are etched in my memory. But then, I think that it's the small little things that can reveal alot about a friendship. You don't need a big show-down or a big showy hug to ascertain the health of the friendship. Whether someone bothers about your day or how you were. It's our daily interactions with each other. Whether we've been nice to each other, whether we're thankful for what the other party has done for us, whether we're willing to go out of our way to help someone. There's alot more. But I guess people don't realise how their little actions have an effect on others. Nor know how much it shows about them. There are days I don't understand why things are so. There's alot going on which I'm not sure of.

Sometimes I do want to say something. But then I hold back, cos people might think I'm overreacting. And maybe I am, so I just keep it in. Safer that way. I don't know if I'm right, I know it's only partial. But when I actually get confirmation not from me, how can I not ignore? I feel like throwing my hands up in despair sometimes, maybe that's why I look sulky. Angry? I wasn't till I came home and the gravity of it hit me (hey, put yourself in my shoes k?). More like sad actually. Cos it reminds me of A C. Someone asked me a 'why' question about friendship once, and when I heard it, I felt like saying, 'It's becos of your ownself! Don't you see? The answer to your need is right in front of you but if you throw it away then it's you, you know that?' But of cos, I said something else instead.

I don't know. I only have part of the answer, and even then it's not directly. But maybe I should just sweep everything aside and go study instead! Yes. Study, I must. But it's such a waste come to think of it. There's only 2 months left before most of us will go our separate ways. No matter how much we say that we'll keep in touch, it'll never compare to seeing your friends everyday. And talking to them everyday. I've seen what happened to my fantastic pri6 and sec4 classes. Where are we now? That's why, at this late late moment. I feel sad more than anything else. Cos there's only so little time left.

But I'll heed what you tell me. Even though I'm tired. It's what Jesus would do. To love someone that's hard to love. After all, what else could I do? Then I'll leave everything else up to Him. Have faith? One more time.



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I know it sucks to celebrate a birthday in the midst of exams, and not have anyone care. So I guess it's time to get stuff for the year-end babies. Nana's one can wait till after As =D

Homophobia anecdote:
Oh my god! There's a lesbian in my bedroom! Ack!


Oh, okay. That's just me.

Cheh.



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(seriously baddd joke)

Today was very nice =)

I was more curious than excited first, but after the two bands, you couldn't be more delirious. Thanks SJ, I'm real glad I came. It was a really good experience. In fact, in my opnion, everything was perfect except for ONE thing. As all things done by humans, it can't be perfect.

It was the sermon. To me it was perfect until he came to one point. Although he didn't outrightly condemn it as sin, it was obvious what the other worshippers would think and go home believing. Especially since he stressed the word 'homosexual' alot. Frankly, the real sin in question (to me) of these tranvestites is not their homosexuality, but their prostitution and promiscuity. There are lotsa heterosexual prostitutes out there, but the pastor had a homosexual example. Whether you're gay or straight, if you sell your body for money when you can earn money in better ways, is the real sin. It has got nothing to do with your sexuality.

Can't you see? That's the problem.

In church, people only see and hear the bad side of gay people. The worst of the lot. They hear about the gay prostitutes, the drug addicts, the clubbers who drink till they can't remember the night before . . . but the thing is, they fail to mention that there are alot of straight people like that too. And in truth, these same straight people are no different from some gay people when it comes to committing sins. And I have people coming up to me and asking if the thing differentiating gay and straight people is the sex. Oh well, I shouldn't be surprised at that. I love a girl for her. Not her body, which many straight men might. People grow up with all these misconceptions of gay people becos they've never encountered gay people, or the ones they encounter happens to be one of the black sheep. In churches, they never mention about happy gay couples that live in the West, about successful gay people in S'pore society, about anything positive that the gay community has to offer. Which is alot. I should know cos I see alot of community work being done and promoted in FCC. For the visually handicapped, the elderly, the deaf etc etc.

I really wished people watched Wife Swap on Ch17 on friday night. The swap was between a conservative southern baptist or presbytarian or whatever-I-can't-remember interracial couple . . . and a lesbian couple. The show was quite sad from the lesbian's point of view, cos from day one, the black conservative woman, kept gay bashing them throughout. And she did it by screaming and proclaiming them 'depraved'. The last part was the worst. One of the lesbian wives broke down on TV after the black woman kept hurling abuse at her and accusing her of being a sexual predator to the black woman's daughter. It was really really sad, the crying woman said that all she wanted when she joined this programme was to share and learn parenting/family experiences with other people. And that she had no intention whatsoever to hurt other people's children. The biggest irony was that the lesbian wife who went over, gave the children alot of fun and a different perspective on how to strike a balance between work and play. And this black woman was adamant throughout about their 'sinful' nature and had no qualms hurling hate at them.

No prizes for guessing where she got her homophobic attitude from. And that's the problem see? On saturday night, 11,000 people hear this message and some might go home with greater homophobia and misconceptions than before. There are some christians who aren't as understanding and tolerant of others as they should be. And these are the ones who will perpetuate homophobia in its ugliest forms e.g. ostrascise their gay friends etc. I thought that this was really sad. If there was one thing I could wish of God, was for people to have watch that Wife Swap episode that night, and see life from a gay perspective, and this time, it is of positive gay people, instead of all the horror stories they have heard from other sources. All that lesbian couple wanted, they said, was to create a home and family for themselves. They aren't hurting other people and they cannot understand why others want to hurt them the way the (black woman) did. As they cried on TV, it made me wanna cry to. In front of my darn mother some more.

FOP was good. But it drove into me the reality of the situation. We still got a long way to go, a looong way. And if I ever ask 'why me?'. Why am I the one who has to do the hard work of starting up a group? Why isn't there one before I came along? I must remember, 'It's not who you are elsa, but what I am'.

Yes, with God all things are possible. I can make this world a better place if I have faith. And all I wanna do is give thanks now for all that I have, no matter how bleak the situation seems so far. But either way, I don't think I'll forget tonight. What presence! Can't wait for next year.




LOVE WAS NEVER A CRIME. TILL HUMANS MADE IT SO.

Friday, August 05, 2005

I know I don't belong.

It can't be more blatantly obvious than today. Oh well, if that's what's intended all along, I'm not going to grovel and beg to join. Don't wanna infringe into other people's space. You can keep your original plans, I won't spoil it for you.


If you wonder why I can't wait to get out of N J, this is one of the reasons.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Today I wondered. (As I've always wondered from time to time but never ever took note of my 'wondering') Why?

I really can't understand why. Why the damn past always has to haunt me, when I thought all that was long gone. But though I liked to think that way, I don't act that way. And I bloody hate that fact. The thing is, I can't see the logic of it. I tell myself it's all in the past, but I can't shake it off. Can't shake off all the old behaviour, though it's perhaps more subtle now. There are times in school I get pissed off at things, when in the first place, those things never bothered me. It was I who bothered about them. And that's what pisses me off. Why do I have to give a damn? I really hate it when my actions sometimes aren't dictated by me and me only. Sure, meeting all these new friends have made things alot easier. Sometimes I draw strength in that fact and it helps me let go. But then . . . I thought I cut off all the puppet master's strings, and am now free.

Maybe I'd only be free when I'm really gone. You know how sometimes we lie to make things cordial? Smoother? Safer? How we never ever say what we truly say or feel becos there would be repercussions? Between peoples, there are ALOT of hidden feelings and impressions of one another that we will never say. And in a way, that's partly how friendships survives. There's no such thing really as complete honesty. Is there? From the utterly mundane, such as 'oh, I don't dare tell her that her breathe stinks' to more personal stuff, such as opinions of each other. There are many things I admire about people, but I never say, maybe becos it's too intangible or I just don't do it. Why? Cos sometimes, it feels like you make yourself vulnerable when you reveal your inner thoughts. And it sucks when the person doesn't see the worth or desire to do the same to you. To tell you what they really think of you. There are also things I dislike about others. And of cos I don't say. Becos it's social suicide sometimes and it could also just be you seeing things that way. Sometimes, a lie can make or break a friendship. I chose make.

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If there's one thing I've learnt, it's that sometimes, you got to know your limits. It's not worth while to give more in a friendship than the other person is willing to give. That's a lop-sided friendship. Sure, you can try to bring things to that higher level. But when you 'test' people to see if they do value you abit more but they fail? It's like . . . next time elsa, don't bother. There will only be frustration and dissapointment. And you keep asking why. And wondering what went wrong. Yesterday, I decided in me that I have to put my foot down. And execute what I've learnt. From now on, I will only do something for a friend if I believe that friend will do the same for me. One dissapointment's enough. I want to chop off that last chain for I f-ing hate its presence.



I'm learning how to say no. To those who blatantly try to make use of me and don't appreciate. For all the nice things that people can say, it all means nothing if it's empty words.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Yay! Just got an idea for my *future* youth group!

Some GLBT group in Orlando watches gay themed movies once a month. That's what we can do too! I already have two movies. So that covers us for two months. And there are tons of shows out there if one bothers to find. All you need is to buy from the net or download. Considering how difficult it is to download obscure movies from the net, fundraising would be a good idea to get money for buying online. And what can we do for fundraising? Plenty! Car-wash (which X has plenty of experience in already), bake sales (hmm, easy to bake but where to sell??? Maybe I can just set up some stall in the middle of the walkways leading to HDB heartland MRTs. Maybe). So that makes for alot of group and bonding activities! The fundraising especially can get us lots of quality bonding time in a non-gay related activity. And this is good, cos it can get boring if all you do is affirm each other all the time. It'll allow for a more wholesome development of relationships, which shouldn't be just 'gay-world' centred. I'm not sure what else we can fundraise for . . . maybe . . . books?? Magazines?? Everything has to be imported of cos. And then comes the next thing I'd like included. Sports! Cos it's fun and its healthy. Mostly becos it's fun.

Hmm, why am I thinking about this now when I should be studying?? Ok, I gotta go study at least 2 hours later but let me just jabble abit. There are lotsa other things I need to think up of but no worries cos I'm in the OogaChaga group for girls already. So should be able to get alot of help and advice from the social workers there in setting up and running a VO. In fact, they told me they've always believed in the idea that since a youth group is set up for youths, it is best run by youths. I agree too. Youths understand each other more intimately. There are 5 'so-called' youths apparently. But the age is more like 20-something to my age. Not actually very 'youthful' in that teenage sense but still youth definitely. It'll probably be mixed GLBT, not just for les/bi teens. But I hope it wouldn't be overrun by gay boys like the FCC. The amount of women there is 15% only. But I guess the gay community is way more developed than the lesbian one. In fact, they have a support group for gay men runnning for 2 years already, whereas the ladies one is only just starting up.

Yes. S'pore's first lesbian/bisexual support group has just started. And we are suppose to be a progressive and modern society. US, EU and maybe even HK is like light years way ahead of us in terms of support development in the gay community. So much for 'modern'. Like I said before, if you really look under the skin of society, you find alot of things seriously lacking. Seriously. The first time I searched the net for local gay resources, I expected to see youth groups. Well, there's none. Woe betide local questioning youths still hiding in the closet. There's nothing on the net helpful to them in the sense of the real world. RQ and PPC, well, you really got to be brave to go to such places. Cos it's all adults. Total strangers. Even FCC would be daunting. Becos the environment is totally foreign. Even today, I still have fears going home late at night from PPC. It's a shophouse in Serangoon and during nighttime, the darkened streets outside are crawling with weirdo old men and prostitutes. You have to navigate this confusing maze of streets and its damn easy to get lost. I've been there countless times and I take a different route everytime I go. Only my 'gaydar' guides me to the perceived location of PPC. It's definitely not a place for youth. All the adults drive or cab there for a reason.

But I've never once regretted going there. Once you enter the PPC, everything changes, it becomes a safe place for GLBT. They have a treasure trove of books there. And then there's Women's Nite every month. The latest one I've been was the best one I've been to so far. Had alot of fun, interesting dialogues (heck things got so intense that a quarrel even erupted), potluck food was great (they even ordered pizza! And there was ice cream and black forrest cake for desert), the people was a rojak from all walks of life. Plus, it's not that difficult to mix with people much older than you if you present yourself as an approachable person.

Over there, I saw the most astoudingly beautiful lesbian I've ever seen in my life so far. And she was androgynous. Not my type actually. But I couldn't take my eyes off her. There were also two separate people who said things that made me proud of how much I've come so far. And with every Women's Nite, I can take away with me ideas on what to do in group gatherings. More fodder for the youth group.

Either way, I'm very glad about how things are going on. Can't wait for what's gonna come up. And all I know is as long as I keep my priorites in sight, put in the hours of mugging, so I don't have to worry so much about studies. Then after As, I can get serious about some matters.



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Aquarium troubles. Too much to write here. Just that the new goldfishes are NOT in good shape. Worried.