Saturday, July 30, 2005

Today, a terrible terrible tragedy occured.

It was my first time trying to help drain out water from the tank. So I was holding the suction tube in place with my hand inside the tank, for my maid for just a moment. I didn't know how the darn thing works and didn't realise that the suction effect had already started. Heh . . *takes deep breath*, well, one of the baby Pearlscales swam too close underneath. And it was promptly sucked in very fast. Well, being spherical, of cos it couldn't make it through the tube, but the edges of the tube is very sharp. So . . it was badly cut. And there was blood. Fish blood. This is the first time I see aquarium fish bleeding. I was so shocked I screamed. It was in shock (and definitely agony) and seemed very stressed and hurt. I didn't know what to do to reverse back time. Turn back time and not make that silly mistake of ignorance! But I knew nothing could be done. It was a baby, and the accident was pretty violent. It wouldn't survive.

True enough, it died 10 minutes later. And it was one of the healthier Pearlscales. Many had or were dying before already. I killed a fish. A fish that could've survived otherwise. I am very sad. And very haunted by this incident. The fishes have a special place in my heart and the knowledge, that I, their provider and life-supporter, betrayed them, is a very painful/disturbing thought indeed. Others may not understand why I'm agonising over a dead fish. But for every pet lover out there. Whoever has taken care and deeply loved their pets before, they would understand what it's like to be solely responsible for a fragile life in their hands. Do you know what it's like to be a parent? Would you ever forgive yourself if you hurt your own child? Today as I was napping a few hours after the incident. All of a sudden the image of the horrific moment flashed in my head. And I realised how traumatised I was to think of it in such a burst of horror.

Sigh, there are many happy and wonderfuly enriching things that happened today. But I think I'll leave those thoughts in my head. For now, I feel really ashamed and dissapointed with myself. I think if you witnessed it yourself you would have felt as guilt-riddden as me. The sight is not one meant for fish-lovers to watch. Maybe I could've given it a proper burial in one of the garden pots. But the thought came too late. And it's thrown away already. Maybe if I had done that, I would've felt better. At least it would leave the world with abit more dignity.



I hope Lord, that the goldfish in heaven will forgive me. I just want to repent for my sin.

Friday, July 29, 2005

Lumut outing!

Today was fun haha. D C is damn utterly funny, albeit sometimes gross. I haven't laughed like that in a long long time(well, ok I laughed something like that last sunday during church lunch but that was nothing compared to today). I'm real glad that enough people came to make the outing possible. From the outing, you can really see that the cousellors are really bonded people. Until now they still plan committee bonding sessions i.e. outings. We don't even do that for softball now. Heck we don't even do that for class either, only occasionally.

After frying my brains completing today's GP homework and attempting some kinematics (unsuccessfully), I went down to the parade square and watched them do National Day rehearsal. We discussed where to eat, I stole D C's youtiao and Me L VIN made funny drum noises. Decided to go Marche Suntec later.During dinner, there was an incident when I tried to poke into my last piece of sausage and it slid off the fork instead! In fact, it popped under the fork and catapulted over di's head, splattering me and her with sauce. Haha, that was a funny one. And K ENNy promptly picked up the piece on the floor and ate it. After dinner, we window shopped through Carrefour. bRE NT found some weirdo TV game and we all gathered around to play with it. After awhile, it got quite embarrasing cos the game was so kiddish and there we are playing in J C school uniform! We also bought supper there. Actually, more like me and di bought pizza which we let the guys ate two thirds of (so that we won't feel so sinful and fat). Later, I developed Yami yoghurt craving and went around hunting for the shop. But it ran out of stock! So sad ... We also went to the fountain of wealth where the guys did the 'get good luck' ritual while me and di stood back away from the water chastely.

Sigh, I kinda miss Lumut. It's damn nice to be able to talk and laugh like that again. I know lumut would probably be my most memorable experience in N J, besides all the heart-stopping but wonderfully fought (and won) softball matches. But Lumut is in a league of its own. After all, it's the first mountain I've climbed! And you never know that you can have the strength to kayak against sea currents for a straight 9 hours, and still have the energy to set up camp and start fire later. There is no rest. Or the fact that I didn't bathe or brush teeth for 3 days. . . twice . . for both sea and land ex. Oh, and I also lost weight. There is still a net weight loss from lumut. Yay! I am very happy about that! But that reminds me, I haveta eat hell less tomorrow cos of today's meals, and to leave capacity for the dinner potluck in Pelangi as well.


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I've realised the key ingredient to coping with the A levels. You CANNOT just study all the time. There is ALWAYS a time for play and a time for study. If you burn out, that can spell the end of your A levels. And the only way (or best way) to strike this balance is not to waste a single second of your life. Either you should be studying, or you should be engaging in leisure. If you're just sitting there and stoning, you're wasting precious time. It's true when they say there is no time left. There IS no time left. But for most people, the reason why they have no time to hang out in the first place is becos they waste time doing nothing at all. If you ask me to go out, I will. Cos developing friendships to me is not a waste of time. Slacking without aim is a waste of time. I've decided. I gotta maximise every minute I have, be it study or play. Either way, I can't be doing nothing. That way, I can still have my cake and eat it too.

That means less goldfish gazing for me . . . Yes, fishes dear, I'm sure you won't miss my absence much. No more goldfish pics for a while now. Tomorrow, I must start compiling that portfolio.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Hello! Welcome to the rotound . . .
World of Pearlscales!!!!



Hi! I am a delicious potato ball! Eat me!


*Gasp* What's that behind that leaf? Is it a bird? Is it a plane?Is it
. . . a worm???


Don't you think I'm cute? Don't you love meee??? Resistance is futile!!!

An ass shot.



Help! I'm stuck between the plants!
(No, I did not purposely stuff my fish there to get this shot. This fellow was really stuck.




Do I look like a dwarf with a red cap?

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Sigh . . . No words. And I really mean no words . . could describe the utter loveliness of goldfish movement. The way they waddle and wiggle about in their small little round bodies, with the tiny seemingly useless fins for decoration, is just . . . mesmerising! Yes! That's the word! MESMERISING. You could fall in love with them just like that. Just like me. It's akin to watching babies take their first step. Heck, they are babies anyway! Baby fish. I love my Pearlscales. I hope they survive. And as the days go by, I will soon have a favourite (which could be whatever that has survived thus far).
Then I shall name it Pearl.
Hmm, I should seriously consider starting a flog. Fish blog.

My house is overflowing with fish. Literally.

Right now, spurred on by my interest in goldfishes, my dad has expanded the fish family wayy too much. We have 3 aquariums now. One newly bought and the hospital tank has been converted into a home for the Oscars (some intelligient but ugly fishes that can grow to massive proportions).

But there are new goldfishes! They're called Pearlscales and are absolutely the most adorable looking fishes on the market! For Princess dear, its appeal lies in its face. For the Pearlscales, its their bodies that will make you squeal. You see, their bodies are almost spherical in shape. Such that they look like small little mothballs in the water. And when they swim, the whole thing jiggles about! Plus their tiny fins really make them look like balloons! Their so small but so fleshy, it seems like you could pop the whole fish in your mouth like snacks! You know the fried potato balls that they sell in the hawker center? Well, that's what the bodies resemble.

We also bought a whole lot of other fishes and water plants. But then . . . I'm only interested in the goldfishes. Shall post pics of the cute little Pearlscales when I have time!

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Hello all! Has anybody been to The Line? Please tell me if it's worth it k? Cos I don't wanna waste money on something not worth!

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

On the bus ride home today, something interesting happened. As the 174 zoomed down the roads, I happen to glance outside the left window and guess what I saw??

A completely naked woman. An old fat, balding completely naked woman. And mind you, you could see all the ripples of fat on her and her impressive haunches. For a moment I thought my eyesight had failed me . . but noo . . . I heard murmurs of 'xiao ah!' from cheeky schoolboys. Dude! This bitch is crazy! And she had her back turned to me and her hands held high in the air in prayer position. I think she is most positively mad. Cos who in their right mind would go completely starkers along a pedestrian walkway? But I was hell glad though, that her back was turned to me. Cos if I saw her front, I think I would have turned straight right there and then and swear off girls forever.Then, I had another thought . . .

Of all the (beautiful) female streakers in the world . . . why is it the one I saw is old fat and ugly??? Argh! Just curse my luck!

------

But never mind I think I still have some sorta chance to see a hot girl in the buff ...live. Cos apparently, the Lasalle SIA people needed volunteers for some Gucci fashion show before and non-fashion students were roped in! Soo . . if non-fashion students can join, maybe they'll accept outsiders? The job of the volunteers is to help dress the models. And from what I heard, they'd be wearing only G-strings, and you have to put on everything for them. Obviously I can't put on the tops cos they would be too high for me but then . . . dude I wanna join man! Even better, jeremy went for a lingerie fashion show before and he said there were people running around nude backstage. My gosh my gosh! I think I'll just faint if I see a Gucci angel (almost) nude in front of me ;) Arghhh!!!


Girls.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Today was fun fun!

Though it was a half day and we all kinda felt cheated that it wasn't full day. I still had a kick-ass lunch at Din Tai Fung today. Din Tai Fung! First time for me there. Actually, if I had a choice again, I might've chosed sushi buffet cos we ate quite little and soo fast at that. But then, those xiaolongbaos were soo soo goooood. The memory triggers taste bud orgasms. They weren't kidding when they said we could eat 5 each. And 5 wasn't enough for me. I ate justin's one piece, making it six. But still that wasn't enough!! We should've ordered 20 more.

Then later after we left, I discovered some sad but can't-be-helped kind of truths. And I'm glad I ain't the only one feeling this way. Sometimes, this makes me wonder 'what's the point?'. Why even bother asking? I should've known the answer even before you say anything. Next time, I'll stick to those I know who wouldn't mind spending some time with me. Yes. There's only 3 months left to A levels. But there's also only 3 months left for friendship. After that, we'll all leave each other. To different universities. I doubt many of us would even keep in touch. Does anyone sincerely thinks that after As any class outing that we organize would be successful? Sigh, let's just leave things as it is lah. Part of me also knows that things can't be helped. But to me it seems overboard. I don't know if this bodes well for my As but I learnt last year that relationships (really), even our relationship with God, is what makes humans tick. Is the one thing that can really bring this term, quality of life, to the next level, whether you're rich or poor.

It's kinda true when someone said that JC is bullshit for relationships. Oh well, at least I know I'll leave this place with some 'quality' friendships. I hope. But sometimes, I just don't like the way N J C has clouded people's eyes, when ironically, it opened mine. Can't cha all see? That this is my way of bringing friendships to another level of closeness? Closer to what real friends are suppose to mean? I guess maybe people aren't so interested. But then, I really rrreeaally cannot understand how, I can talk about infinitely more deeper stuff to people I know for less than 3 days . . . than to people I've known for over 2 years? Time spent together in class ain't qualilty time. Then again, I don't think I'll even have the chance to find this out.

Cos there's only 3 months to A levels. Time for me to mug two hours at least everyday. Like everybody else caught up in this rat race.

I hate the system. I really hate it.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

NEWS FLASH: Attention all, my birthday is on 22nd August. You have less than one month to prepare your worship of me. Hehe . . .

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Yay, I so can't wait for it. This year, I told my parents not to get me any presents or cake. Cos all I want is that $68+ buffet at The Line, Shangri-la. And I'm gonna hold their word for it. Goodbye slim elsa! Welcome back pre-Lumut fats! *what the hell am I doing??? Somebody talk me out of this madness*

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Gosh. It's 1.30am in the morning and I've just reached home. Totally shacked.

Anyway, decided to pon school today on a whim and due to the facts that I have to see doctor for some *minor* problem (which I will not elaborate), and that I was struck by insomnia the night before. Becos of my stupid sinuses, I couldn't sleep. By the time I was dozing off to sleep (and in an upright position at that), the alarm clock started ringing waking the whole family up for the next morning. I'm like, 'dude, my night just started and everyone's waking already'. So I didn't go to school and since I didn't sleep at all last night. I slept the whole entire afternoon. Thus, no homework was accomplised and I totally wasted the day away.

Went out at night with some of the Levi's guys and Lasalle SIA people for dinner at Arab Street. It was Middle Eastern food and pretty interesting. What I like best was the ambience of the restaurant though, you could stay in there forever except for the fact that it got cold after awhile. Then later we went to Esplanade to hang out at the rooftop terrace, and haha, I had very interesting conversations there. Plus we pretty much lazed the time away hearing each other's new-agey music and telling jokes/stories. After being chased out at 11pm when the terrace closed, we went to sit at the rocky beach instead. When Jeremy got hungry and Eugene got thirsty, we went to eat (some more) at the Glutton Bay hawker area. This was the point where people started swapping scary tales again and I absolutely hate that cos I get freaked out by the smallest thing. And mind you, it was 12 plus at night. Though it was bright and starry everywhere I still have to face my home when I return back.

But then, I found out stuff which makes me think twice about whether I should go S M U for real. It makes me really undecided right now, and frankly, I don't really know what to think. I also realise that, great! Jeremy wants to set up youth group too? Fantastic. There's one more interested party. Besides that, got alot of different insights from people. And I think the most important thing is that I can't let all this get over my head, or I'll get jaded by things that are actually non-issues to me. It's an easy trap for gay people to get caught up in the cycle of things but sometimes, we got to take a breather and step outside to see the whole picture. Like how sometimes, my whole blog is about gay issues. They know what it's like to get caught up in the seriousness of it all, so they know it's better to relax. And sometimes, ignorance is really bliss. I must learn to strike a balance. But right now, I'm more worried about my choice of uni. I'm really . . . hmmm, I dunno, it's the next four years of my life, and probably the most important education choice I have to make. I hope I don't go wrong. I need to find an answer soon. That and I need to get more opinions.

Other than that, sure had alot of fun today! For once, the subject of 'how ah? we need to mug' will not crop up and spoil the mood. And to compensate for the utter hedonism and slackness of today, I shall resolve to mug tomorrow! I must I must I must. But for now, it's sleepy time whereby my guardian angel stands by me and my Gucci angels dance in my head.

:D

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P.S. By the way, nice meeting you Ellen and Timo. You guys make great conversationists. (or is this a trend I see in Arts fac people? Even the N J arts fac people have this incredible allure that makes me wanna talk to them all the time. Mel, Dav, Van, even Y i fang who was damn funny that day about her soccer hooligan neighbours. Haha, I won't forget)

Friday, July 22, 2005

My God. There are days when I tell myself that I must try my best not to hate. Cos that isn't what Jesus would do and hate achieves nothing. But some days, it's just too hard. If the following points would infuriate or confound you, a (most likely to be) straight reader, then you can try to imagine what it stirs up in me. . .

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Down in Memphis, Tennessee resides a Christian re-education camp called Love in Action, which purports to convert gay people into straight people. The program is many years old, but up until a couple of years ago it only served adults. Now they have a program called Refuge, which is a camp for teens, where parents can and do send kids against their will.

Here are a tiny fraction of its camp rules (all of which are backed up by verses from the Bible justifying it's implementation)

On social conduct:
3. No hugging or physical touch between clients. Brief handshakes or a brief affirmative hand on a shoulder is allowed (exception is when observed by therapeutic accountability).

Hygiene
Small unhealthy habits can either reflect or lead to dysfunctional, life-controlling habits. Attention to the details of daily lifestyle is a pivotal aspect of residential recovery.

1. All clients (clients??? they call people, God's children, clients???? What do they think? They're running a business??) must maintain appropriate hygiene, including daily showering, use of deodorant, and brushing teeth twice daily.
Men: Men must remove all facial hair seven days weekly, and sideburns must not fall below the top of the ear (the top of the ear is defined as where the ear meets the face below the temple). Clean business-like haircuts must be worn at all times. Hair must be long enough to be pinched between two fingers.
Women: Women must shave legs and underarms at least twice weekly.
All: Only natural hair color is allowed. Hair that is colored, highlighted or streaked, must be dyed back to its original color, or the color must be cut out before entrance into the Refuge program.

All clients must be dressed appropriately in clean, unwrinkled clothes when leaving the house for the day. Men may not wear any jewelry (other than a watch and a wedding band) unless approved through a C.O.C. In addition to a watch and wedding band, women may also wear a pair of simple earrings (one earring per ear.) The clients may not wear Abercrombie and Fitch or Calvin Klein brand clothing, undergarments, or accessories.
Men: Shirts are to be worn at all times, even while sleeping. T-shirts without sleeves are not permitted at any time.
Women: In addition to these guidelines, women may also wear skirts which fall at or below the knee. Women may wear tank-tops only if they are worn with an over-blouse. Women may wear open-toed shoes or women's dress sandals without socks. Bras must be worn

3. All clients are expected to memorize the Program Expectations as they summarize the spirit and heart of the rules of Love in Action.
10. Absolutely no journaling or keeping a diary outside of the MI process unless directed or approved by staff.
6. Clients may have no contact with anyone who has left the program prior to graduating without the blessing of the staff to do so. Clients may address off-limit persons they inadvertently encounter with a polite "hello" only.


1. No discussing therapeutic issues at home. Keep conversations positive.
2. Clients must gain permission through C.O.C. to make or receive phone calls from friends and family members outside the program.
3. No cell phones, beepers, computers, or e-mail/internet access at. Exceptions by C.O.C. approval only.
4. No visitors from out of town without permission via C.O.C.
5. Refuge clients may only read materials approved by staff.
6. No television viewing, going to movies, or reading/watching/listening to secular media of any kind, anywhere within the client's and the parent's/guardian's control. This includes listening to classical or instrumental music that is not expressly Christian (Beethoven, Bach, etc. are not considered Christian). The only exception to the media policy is the weekly movie.
7. Refuge clients may watch one video/DVD per week that has been approved by staff via C.O.C. Movies submitted for approval must be rated G or PG. The parents/guardians are responsible for securing the video/DVD.
11. Refuge clients may not enter any restuarants with bars, even when accompanied by a parent or guardian.
12. Refuge clients must be accompanied by a parent during any trip to a public restroom.
13. No access to malls of any kind.
19. Refuge clients must keep their bedroom doors open at all times, day or night.

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Notice given to parents which have been explicitly stated that it is not meant to be seen by the 'client' (This is probably for parents that forced their kids into their program without their consent)

5. Your client is not allowed to talk to anyone outside of your home including friends or family. Do not tell client who has called for them or who is asking about them. Keep the thoughts of the client focused on his/her treatment.
8. The client is expected to cook dinner at least one time weekly.
9. The client is expected to complete a weekly cleaning regimen to your satisfaction.


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I could go on forever. But this list of rules. No . . . this BOOK of rules runs thirteen pages long. What sort of christians are these people? Did God meant for us to be prisoners? And treated in this manner? And the worst thing is that they do this in His name!

This sounds like the Taleban to me. In America, so called land of the free. Now I kinda know what muslims feel like when they are oppressed in Arab countries or whatever and are given that patronising and contemptuous attitude by George W Bush of America (who doesn't even have an inkling of the consequences of his actions. Just like how these assholes hurt other people).

I know putting up all these isn't going to change what's happening in America. But maybe I can help make things better here through education. It's something I feel strongly about and the best thing I can do is increase awareness of what's going on in the real world, and what GLBT youth have to face (by highlighting the plight that they have to endure just for having the moral courage to be themselves). Is it a surprise then that GLBT youth are 3 times as likely to commit suicide and get depression? If you ever meet another gay person, have some compassion for the struggles that they are already go through by being marginalised by society. . . and please I beg you, do not aggravate it.


There was a gay guy who killed himself after attending this camp. And he used to be happy before that. Think about that.

The person who posted the list of rules online is one of the 'clients' in the camp and he is still there. Please people, I hope you'd help me sign this petition as well to free him from that place. Whether or not you're opposed to homosexuality, I think we can all agree that this camp has some seriously questionable mindsets and ideology. Help him before it's too late and he does something drastic like the guy who killed himself!

http://www.petitiononline.com/FeeZach/petition.html
http://www.petitiononline.com/savezach/petition.html

"I would rather you commit suicide than have you leave Love In Action wanting to return to the gay lifestyle. In a physical death you could still have a spiritual resurrection; whereas, returning to homosexuality you are yielding yourself to a spiritual death from which there is no recovery." - quote by the director of "Love In Action", Rev. John Smid

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Hmmm.

I don't think I'll ever understand how straight girls can see an intoxicatingly so-beautiful-that-it-hurts girl and not feel the rush that I feel? Even the most handsomest man I've ever seen on TV, cannot compare to the most beautiful girl I saw on TV (which was last night).


And how, when I was younger, I would feel an incredible sense of guilt and shame when I caught myself admiring pretty girls on TV. Like it was something that I shouldn't be doing. Something people wouldn't approve of me doing. Something that I should never mention and keep hidden . . in the hopes that it will somehow go away when I outgrow it. Then I realise resistance was futile, cos my mind would always turn to them, and the desire to see them never fades. And I think I also knew that I was somehow afraid that my attraction to them signalled something deeper.

I knew it. But I was just terrified.




I don't think a person becomes gay. I think it's more like they discover that they are gay. I can't remember ever being straight. Except for that one and only time I liked a guy. Like you know how straight girls sometimes have crushes on other girls? The rest was a whirlwind of 'female' memories.

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Sometimes I think FCC has been improving my social skills. Its like new people come to visit the church for the first time almost every week. And in a bid to make them feel welcome, we'd try to speak to the new people and find out more about them. Plus, when I go to PPC, I'll meet different new people there and speak to them as well. I also realise that the more I speak to strangers and try to develop some sort of connection, the more I get better at it. Not that it's very difficult to do. You just have to focus on the person and be sincerely interested in getting to know them more. This helps to make awkward silences and weird social situations become less prominent. And when you're relaxed, everyone becomes relaxed as well. I'll always marvel at jeremy's social skills and how he can keep people talking forever. In a way I'm trying to learn how to do that. To engage people.

It's kinda weird come to think of it. . . there's been a whole ton of people I've met (whom I will never meet in my life if I didn't decide to do something about my situation), and there's so many of them that the faces are a blur. I don't know but I somehow find it enriching that I can meet people from all walks of life, from all sorts of backgrounds, instead of the usual kind of people that you will meet (which is usually a narrow range). I think it gives me a bigger view of the picture. Like S'pore and life is not all that I know from my pretty sheltered existence in N J. There is so much more, and so many infinitely different things that go on around you and which you are totally ignorant to. You know what it's like to get under the skin of society? This is a bit like it. I've had so many stereotypes about gay people and people in general, broken, after meeting so many new people and seeing so many strange things. Like for example, when you think of lesbians, 'butch' and 'femme' comes to mind. But do you know how actually stereotypical that thought is? It was totally shattered when I went to a gathering of lesbians once, and my goodness, I couldn't classify them at all. Almost all didn't fit into the labels that we have for lesbians today. It was really a case of all sorts of people. The only thing that I could label on them was the fact that they like girls. Like me. Each person was unique unto themselves. And it made me realise that gay people are everywhere. She could be your vegetable seller, your insurance agent, a tourist, a doctor, journalist, student, teacher, old 50 year old mother with two sons in tow. And they don't necessarily look lesbian for that matter. Not unless you know them personally, you wouldn't even suspect that they were gay. And the shocking thing was the normalcy of it all. Of how natural liking girls was to them, and how I wasn't actually in the minority this time round.

Hey, if you're straight and you're reading this, do you know what it's like to be in a room full of gay people and have to interact with them? Sometimes, I feel like that in a straight environment. Then when I'm in a gay environment, it seems all the barriers and shields just melt away and I speak of my hidden desires and struggles freely. I don't know, but it's a really weird feeling. Kinda like flying. Even though its been a few months since I took that step forward. I'm still quite intrigued and still unable to fully process all that is happening around me (and all that continues to happen). It's such a . . . all-encompassing experience. So . . . different. I can't stress how much my life and outlook on it has changed. But I guess it's for the better.

Now I have the best of both worlds. School's great in my opinion. School friends are great and the past hurt is slipping away from me and seems more and more irrelevant to the now. I've been more alert than ever the past few days in school for some weird reason (maybe it's becos I see the dire need to mug). I've discovered a new passion. Goldfishes. And rekindled some others such as reading and listening to music. Plus I can't wait for the support thingy to start. Strangely . . . I'm happy =)

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I wanna take a nappy now.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Today, I slept in the afternoon. Then later, my maid started waking me up and all around me was dark. This is the usual scene that happens every morning (my maid wakes me up for school). When I saw the clock, I was super shocked that it was 7.40!! I was like O M G! I am super late! Why didn't she wake me up earlier??? Then she told me that she already tried waking me twice.

I was like, 'oh shit.' Walking down the common corridor, I passed by clocks all displaying 7.40 and I started to wonder if perhaps there was something wrong with all the clocks. Then I saw my mom at the dinner table in her work clothes. And I was even more freaked out becos my mom was preparing to go to work already. Which makes me even more late than I realise. Somehow, it didn't strike me as odd that the dining table had rice and cooked food on it. I just noted that 'breakfast seems quite a spread today'. Then I went back to my room looking for my uniform at the place where my maid usually dumps it in the morning. But I found none and was quite pissed cos I was getting late for school. I marched to the kitchen and testily asked my maid where the heck my uniform and clothes were. It took very long to catch her attention and get my point across for she kept looking at me like I was the densest idiot in the world.

"It's at night. YOU want to go to school now?"


-_-


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To S J:

There are lesbians in this world, who thinks lesbian sex is disgusting. And there are also straight girls in this world, who think that sexual intercourse is disgusting. I think people get the wrong idea that just becos some lesbians are attracted sexually means all are like that. I'm attracted to guys sexually, but does that make me love them like the way I love girls? No. I think I wrote before that girls' definition of love may not be inherently tied to their definition of sexual attraction, unlike for guys (there was some study). If I want to kiss a girl, its becos I want to be close to her and not have sex with her. There is nothing sexual in that. Your sexuality differs from person to person. Even how you define it differs. I used to think that sexuality is that . . just about sex. But I realise that when I see girls, I don't love them becos of sex, but becos of who they are, of how much more I know they can offer to me than a guy. It takes an inch for me to like a girl but a mountain to like a guy. My whole day can depend on her. And all the little insignificant things she do, isn't insignificant to me at all. I can see little mundane details about her (like her pencil case, her hands, her hairties, her walk) and think it's the most beautiful thing in the world (and why is it others can't see this but only me?). My happiness hinges on whether she's nice to me, whether she talked to me and all I want in this world is nothing but her affection and attention. Oh, and I also get that 'butterflies in the stomache' feeling around her. Sex is an afterthought, and sometimes, it's not a thought at all. That's how 'pure' my love can go. If you define lesbians as girls who like each other sexually, then lesbians are all about lust and not about love. Which is not true at all. And I think I'd know better than you what makes me a lesbian from my other straight friends.

I'm lesbian, becos it is girls that make my heart beat.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Sometimes I think I've mellowed. Over the months that is.

I remember how 'excited' I was when I first stop lying to myself, and to others. And what a rush it was to be able to tell ying, cos I know that she talks so much about girls that I can now finally join in the merry-making with abandon. I absolutely went crazy about the prospect of finally being 'allowed' to like girls and declare it openly (well, more like privately to her and Franc). And how I'd let girls go way over my head. Everyday my thoughts would run wild about this cute J1 or other. It seems like there were so many new people to dream about. I think I probably liked them more than I would have in a normal situation. But I guess I was in a hyperactive state of mind. Maybe it's the feeling of being liberated and I somehow went overboard becos of it.

Haha, I still remember forcing Franc to ask R if she had a boyfriend (whether she did or not didn't matter, cos I wouldn't stand a chance in the first place). And when I managed to convince someone in first 3 months to hang out with me, I thought I was gonna go on my first date (how naive eh?). She cancelled 5 minutes later by the way. Me and ying, we took clandestine camera phone pics of S Y in sc dramafest and I made ying send me the MMS though she was broke. And I realised how utterly fun it was to just do nothing but daydream about girls.

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Now in J2. Don't know but I feel old somehow. Like the seriousness of events that have occured has made me more sombre on the issue. More practical and less idealistic/hopeful. Guess I'm more grounded now as well. I know my place now and where I stand.

Today during Sepak Raga, I saw one of the old crushes H M. I remembered how I used to think alot about her, and even SMSed her to death on the pretext of 'offical business' (I bet she probably suspected). And then I would think how nice if I had her. But today when I saw her, I kinda felt nostalgic, and a tinge of resignation. Some sort of acceptance I guess.

There'll be people you'll like in your lifetime, whose doors would be forever closed to you. And that's a reality we all got to accept.

I realised how naive my thoughts were in the past. There are plenty of aspects to her appeal, so I guess many people would like her too. And what makes me think (in the past), that me, a girl for that matter, can fight against the hordes of guys since she has a 9 out of 10 chance of being straight? The odds are against me sometimes. Well, correction, make that most of the time. Some might wonder why I still stick to this despite the seemingly impossible 'odds'. But then again, I'm not here to chalk up numbers in some love=social status game. I'm here for me. And I know I wouldn't be satisfied with anything less than genuine feelings. Besides, I think this has also got alot to do with luck. And who you meet. There are wonderful straight people around me whom are single (and I cannot understand why either), and seemingly less beautiful GLBT who have been dating like mad since goodness knows when. (Which makes me wonder aloud, 'Where are all the teenage lesbos like meee??' Not in N J that's for sure)

I can't have her that I know. But then it occured to me that I can be satisfied just to see her then. Just for that few moments I can enjoy some beauty in this world, though I may not own it. I smile inwardly instead of gushing like a love-blind fool to the people around me who know about me (the poor things! All have to put up with my ravings). I guess seeing is good enough to make me that little much happier. When you can't be rich, any little bit of money would make you happy enough already. Maybe I was desperate. Okay. What am I talking about? I am desperate. It's one thing to go through Sec school not telling a single soul about the way your heart feels, and another to come to JC where all you see around you are couples and you've just outed yourself?

Just to be close by makes me happy already. Just to know you makes me happy already. Should I ask for more? Not when I should be grateful for what I have right now. Things could always be much worse. Come to think of it, the distance between me and the beautiful people I see is something I welcome. Cos it's safe. In the meanwhile, I can try to focus on other things instead. But for the moment you are there, I'd enjoy that moment. . . and won't come to dread its passing (cos all good things come to an end sometimes).






What's the difference between two close girlfriends and lesbians? Good question. Truth is, I don't know how to answer this. It's like . . . how do you define love? Can I explain to you the things I'm feeling? The way I see the world? Sometimes, I don't even understand the way things are, I just know that they are. I don't think anyone could ever define love in a way that would satisfy everyone. It's that intangible. So I guess the difference is something intangible, and something only I see and feel acutely. Cos there are close friends of mine whom I swear on my life I would never fall in love with (and I don't think I could either). But then again, I could be wrong. And I was wrong once. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you don't choose who you fall for. It just happens. Cupid has horrid aiming sometimes and it totally screws situations up.

Yeah, I can be content with the present. I should be. After all, 3 months to A levels isn't a time for me to have some crush or what (but for a person who falls in love easily like me, and was crushing on some girl for the greater part of her existence . . . this is a brief but welcome reprieve for me). But I do hate it when girls make me nervous and I literally go to pieces around them. There's a part of me that does not look forward to falling in love at all. I know how warped my life would become. This is a weird kind of peace, but for what it's worth, it's still peace. I can be content with what I have now. And I am.






But sometimes, there comes a point of time when friendship is just not enough. And that's when you love for real.

Today I realised that T errence C H eW is actually pretty funny. He said something and I nearly choked on the cookie I was eating.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Gucci Angels.


Can I have one please?

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Haha I lurve these e-cards

1.
2.
3. There was an article once in 8 Days (the last page) and it was totally ripped off from this (which means there is a possibility that this is also ripped off from somewhere . . )
4. Haha this is naughty!

I bet the majority of people are probably sick and tired of this issue. But to me, it's not. Cos there's still so much that needs to be done in this world in my opinion.

Was thinking about Church of Our Saviour and its tactics recently, and for once, I thought I would read and try to comprehend the other side of the story. Well, they say alot of things, some of which I agree. Some of which even conservative christians wouldn't agree.

Some assertions made :

1. Homosexuality is a learned behaviour and it is therefore possible to overcome homosexual identity and leave the homosexual lifestyle. Change is possible and desirable.

So who exactly did I learn to grab my cousin's boobs from??? They also assert that it is IMPOSSIBLE to be genetic. I'm like, hey! You're not God, how do you know it's impossible?
And even if it was learned behaviour . . . I don't see a need to change, cos I ain't killing anyone or hurting myself.

2. Homosexuality is a mental disorder.

Dot dot dot . . .

3. Homosexual sex is unnatural becos it does not procreate.

Do people have sex just to procreate? They do it out of love too! There's why there exists darn condoms in this world. Oral sex ain't natural as well. How come nobody seems to be slamming it as much as they slam gay sex?

4: Banning the availability of homosexuality reconversion therapies is banning a person's right to choose.

There is truth in this. If a person wants to change in the way he/she sees fit, no one should be stopping them from doing so (just as no one should force someone who doesnt' want to change, to change). But I think COS forgot to mention the fact that some of the people who go into their programs were forced to against their will by schools and by parents. My friend is one big example of that. Freedom of choice? Oh well, at least he had the freedom to run.

And he did.

5: Homophobia is not bigotry.

Well, it's all a point of view. And I have to be an objective person. There will always be people who think otherwise from me (and I will always question their sanity). But I'm not God, and therefore won't judge that they are wrong.

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Well, in S'pore, there is a certain kind of imbalance. The anti-gay movement is quite strong, in fact its almost everywhere and even seems spontaneous. In contrast, the gay movement is much smaller if you compare the numbers. (There is only one gay affirmative church vs thousand++ anti-gay ones) That's why I know there's alot of people still hiding in the closets and beating the shit out of themselves for it. I know what that feels like, to feel like you're 'diseased'. And I know how important it is for them to find a kindred spirit, someone they can identify with in a non-sexual/alcoholic environment. In S'pore, people can only LEGALLY have gay activites in pubs. The Government will not register gay groups, voluntary organisations, gay-affirmative churches, or approve of gay-straight alliances in schools. So much for your definition of freedom of choice huh, COS? So what happens is alot of gay people can only find like-minded people in all the wrong kind of places. And then society blames them for becoming immoral and promiscious. But just think with me for a second first. Did they have a choice? When that is the only outlet they have? We're not like US or Europe, where gay youth support is more established. There's NO SUCH thing in S'pore. ZERO. I myself am shocked about that.

There's this huge huge need for a youth group. They already have some groups for adults but youths have to deal with different issues compared to adults. There is a need for a separate group. Plus, some youths are really shy and are only comfortable amongst peers their age group. Sure, one good healthy place to start looking for gay support is FCC. But what about the non-christian gay teens? They may not be interested in coming to church. There are muslim and buddhist gay support groups but the christian one is the most established one.

So how? The avenues for help are so little and I really want to do something. I told someone before that my future target vocation is 'gay activist', cos I want to build a better world for questioning teens out there. Give them a choice. A choice that if they so choose to embrace their 'gayness', there is a place and sanctuary for them where like-minded peers can offer mutual support. And where they won't be made to feel like an alien or a psychopath with a, *quote* mental disorder *unquote*. That's why I wanna do psychology next time. Or maybe social work. But I know this can never be a career for me. Becos it will be totally voluntary as I receive no pay (not that I care) as it definitely won't be affiliated with the Government. Therefore MCYS is not for me. All I can do at the moment is try to expand my social circle and find people who might be interested in this.

Youth group. So so so important. But I know I'll need more gay contacts and youths to help me start one. Nothing feels me with happiness more than the fact that I've helped someone like me today. But I know if I was to seriously take up this endeavour, it would probably be the biggest challenge of my life. Cos from where I'm standing, I literally have to climb a mountain to make it happen. (Remember, this will be the first one in S'pore if it can be achieved). There'd be so much opposition and not much suppport. There is also the problem of finding enough, capable and interested gay youth to run this thing with me. I'll also need the help of skillful straight people. (for something like a GSA). And people who know how to start up websites. Cos that would be the first step I'll take. Outreach through the Internet cos that's the first place closeted gay teens would find information. I'll have to pray to God to give me strength to take up this challenge. Something needs to be done and I can't chicken out just becos it seems impossible. In fact, I've never considered doing community work seriously until this gay thingy. I know I'm idealistic, but still . . . Nothing's impossible. Not with God as my guide.




Don't overestimate the challenge, don't underestimate yourself.

(I learnt this from Lumut. Yes, I will hold it close to my heart.)




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Oh, and the bloody 'a' levels got to go by first.

I think my family knows. Heck, I used to care about them knowing. Now, I'm so off that. I can't be bothered anymore. The only minor irritation is that they may ask me about it, and I have alot of explaining to do. Worse than the kind I have to do to friends who 'just don't get it'. Few nights ago, heard the sister say the word 'lesbian' in the other room and we had argued before that. Oh heck, everyone's pretending nothing's happening. And I'm blissfully playing along!

Oh, shit. Biggest ultra mistake about church: I shoulda told my mom a real name of a church when she asked me which one I was going. Obviously I can't possibly say FCC right? I just blurted some church-y sounding name, and guess what I said?

Church of THE savior.

There is no such church. BUT there is a church called Church of OUR Savior. And its less famous than FCC for the opposite reason. It supposedly rehabilates gay people. It even has the banner 'Gay but not Happy?' hung outside the church compound (I marvel at the hidden literary pun in this message, though infuriating it may be. I still appreciate the literature). She said that maybe that is the actual name of my church and I got it wrong (I bet she told her church friends and they probably enlightened her on what COS really is).

Heheh, now my mom probably thinks I'm trying to turn myself straight. When its actually the total opposite. Hmm, maybe that's why she's letting things take its course when actually nothing's gonna happen.



Haha, I'm amused at the irony. But it suits me just fine :)
*smiles like a Chesire Cat*

One in ten is the number typically given of people who are queer. It is also the number of women who will get breast cancer in their life-time.

I'm queer. My mom may have breast cancer.

(Haha ripped this off from somewhere)

Hmm, even after so long, I still think the picture to the left is the sexiest image in the world. . .

Friday, July 15, 2005

My gosh.

Do you know when I was five, I had an elder french cousin staying in our house for a few weeks. The only thing I ever remember about her stay was that I was running around and trying to grab her boobs all the time. And I wasn't exactly gentle . . . I would even stake outside the common corridor and pounce on her once she opens her room door. I'm not sure why I did that, but I guess it was done out of pure curiousity? Like becos she was angmoh and more well endowed than asians, I was curious? (oh wait, I was only five, anything small is already a 'handful' to me) Or don't tell me I did it cos I actually liked feeling them? I still remember how they felt, under the cardigan that she wears. Oh my god, I don't know. I really don't. This is weird but I remember that feeling them actually gave me a sense of comfort? Huh?? But who else does such a crazy thing? It's the only thing I remember about that stay becos, that's what I did all the time. It seemed like such a fun thing to do. I enjoyed it. And until now, when I see that cousin, I feel kinda dirty for what I've done to her years ago. Man, what the hell was I thinking?

And that's not all. I'm alarmed at how 'open' I used to be. I used to tell my sister (when she was my confidante) about the girls that I liked and even tried to make her like them too, so that she can understand. And at age 7, I would shout in our room, 'I lurve XXX' and tell her to say it with me together. I would really shout out loud. Something that is so unthinkable right now. My god. Does it come as a surprise then that she always accused me of being a lesbian when I was younger? And clueless as the nerd elsa was, I would go, 'Huh? Where did that come from?'.

Gosh, I was totally clueless. Now I think about it, I'm surprised about how gay I acted. Did it really start from that young?? I'm speechless. I never thought about this till today.





My god, I am so lesbian.

Sigh. I absolutely hate the fact that I've not a single gay friend in N J. It positively kills me sometimes, to have no one to talk to about certain things.

I really miss ying. Rrreally I do. I cried when I heard she was gonna leave for A C, cos the only person that really understand is leaving me all alone in N J. Sure, you say, I could talk to straight people about what I feel. But you'd never know what sort of reaction you're gonna get. There are some whom I'm sure about their reactions. But mostly, I don't know about others. Quite a bit of people know already, but their probably uncomfortable inside. Maybe those who've known for awhile feel uncomfortable about that too. So instead of speculating all the time, and wondering if its gonna be worthwhile. I just clamp up I guess. Easier for the other parties. As long as I don't remind you that I'm les, we can feel comfortable between us. Like nothing exists in the first place.

Sometimes, when I see my eye candies, I'm always dying to tell someone and gush about it. But somehow, that seems like a pointless endeavour to me. Why bother to make others feel uncomfortable? It's not like they can help it in the first place. I used to tell ying about X girls all the time. And she would rib me back and tease me and stuff. I liked that, cos its what straight people do to their friends when they like someone. Sometimes I wish that Nick, Li o n e l and S J was in my class. Why? Cos I bet they talk about girls all the time and I want to do that too. Join in the fun! At least they know where the appeal in girls lie. And I don't have to hold back around them. It's weird if I were to suddenly pour out everything on an unsuspecting soul. And its weird too since, people ususally keep their own lives to themselves (truth is I don't really know much about others). So I do the same to mine. I do wanna engage people about gay stuff concerning me. Cos when you've hid most of your life and now that you're finally out to yourself, you'd wish you could just unload and really talk about all that you feel. But its just so weird when you're the one doing all the sharing all the time. Friendship is a 2 way thing after all. School . . heh, I feel left out sometimes in school. But I guess it's always been that way.

I'm stuck in a rut here. Maybe its this place. The whole grey atmosphere just makes you gloomy sometimes. People are all caught up in their own worlds, mugging or otherwise. And there I am in my little space, dreary loneliness slowly eating away. In fact, I'm beginning to like being at home. I've even learnt how to study effectively at home without distractions. And when I'm home, I can go online! Where a whole world of kindred spirits lay open to me and I can talk without care. I know I said before that I don't really care what others think of me. But sometimes, when others think negatively, I might as well stay silent and be by myself. What's the point of talking? Like how I won't try to change someone's mindset about me. Or say things to make people feel uncomfortable. I'd rather avoid conflict, life is simpler that way.

I guess in a way I am like Dav. I do put on a mask, though its not one that hides my sexuality. It's a different kind of mask. Talking about things that don't really matter (cos the things that do are better left unsaid). Enjoying the company of those who like to fool around (like H. He's irritating, but for what its worth, he's a bright spark in this bleak ocean). Try to fool around too, and make self forget about the world for a while. Try to hang with the lumut people, cos I really miss them and our friendships are so innocent and positive. Speaking about positive . . . sometimes, no matter how hard I try not to bother, the taint of that day will never leave me.

Really need a fresh start. Guess that's why I want to get out of school so bad. A second chance. I want that second chance. I'll make it good this time I promise. I know how to already. I've got my plan.

Oh well, at least now there's people outside to talk to. I shall delight in small little things. Like my goldfish! :)





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You don't know how lucky you are to have yuqing. And you don't know this but as much as you depend on me, I depend on you too. For solace. Alot. Thank you for coming into my life.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Girls, have you been watching TV lately? I just wanna point out that Manhunt is deliciouss. Yum! Yum! Sexy men on TV. My gosh their faces are too die for and the bodies are even better. . . If you've been fed on the starvation diet of drab looking grey men for the past two years, you'd go ga-ga over these guys*ducks rotten melons and papayas thrown by male N J readers*. Here you see REAL MEN a.k.a. strong masculine cavemen. And they kick the asses of sissies like Orlando Bloom (eugh!), average lookers like Tom Cruise, Chad Michael Murray (ok, I concede, he does have very sultry eyes), Josh Hartnett. Man, these celebs can't even compare!

So ladies, if you wanna have sweet dreams tonight, tune your TV set to channel 5 and watch Manhunt.

By the way, if you're still confused by my sexual orientation after this, its quite simple actually:

Men's appeal = sex
Girls' appeal = everything under the sun . . . plus the above




Gosh I sound like a perv. Wait a minute, I AM a perv! Just like everyone else inside . . .

Went to check on the juniors today and played some softball as well. Sigh, I miss playing softball!!! Throwing, batting, catching and fielding was soo fun today! Although we're all obviously super rusty (my throw was TOTALLY OFF at the start), at least I think we still played around quite decently. The only problem was my darn headache which prevented me from enjoying myself fully. But it was nice to see everyone again. And especially talk all sorts of cock with the guy seniors. But I was dissapointed that the teachers in charge weren't there, cos I wanted to talk to them and see how things are going on now from their point of view.

And I found my glove!!! It was lurking behind the main door at the umbrella basket at home. Yay! I didn't lose it! Gosh, playing today has stirred up that itch for softball in me again.


You know, I was thinking about how we came all the way up to 3rd then got knocked down to 4th, and how painful and helpless we felt. But truly, when I think back, though theoretically we played R J for nothing. Went there 4 times for nothing. I wouldn't trade the feeling I had that day for anything in the world. Cos for once, it proved the rare truth that . . . underdogs can win. It's a beautiful feeling . . . like you're on top of the world, and this time, you know what its like to actually climb to that top from all the way down . . . Its not really the end in sight, but the journey that matters. And the fact that training paid off in the end . . . we proved we could beat others.




Sigh, I miss softball. I wanna play again . . . *pout*

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Somehow, I can't wait to get into university.

Heheh, and yet, ironically, I have that nasty feeling I'd regret that thought. Just like when I 'couldn't wait to get into JC' when I was in Sec 4. JC ain't that sucky. But it has its demerits still, compared to S C. Ok, what am I talking? JC was crap. It was crap for specific reasons, but if I were to discount those and choose to look at the nice things (like great class, Lumut, softball, some nice people), I would say its passable.

But then AGAIN, I know uni would and could be so much much better! Firstly, it'd be so much better cos I'd be more sure of myself by then. Instead of groping in the dark like I did last year. And when it comes to friendships, it'd be so much easier. Cos now I've also learned how to deal. Small irritances don't rile me up so much anymore. I'd know what to say when it comes to debating others on the issue of homosexuality (if you don't seem to be getting anywhere after 10 sentences, stop discussion and leave politely). So long as they don't say the four condemned words, 'why don't you change?' I'd be less inclined to explode in front of any homophobe's face.

Any close friend of mine would have to pass the 'gay-tolerance' . . . wait no, I hate that word . . . 'gay-accceptance' test. If they can't deal with it, or are homophobic, I'd kick they're butts out of the friendship door. Without their knowledge of cos. These people will fall into the category of 'acquaintences'. Maybe you might think I'm being very harsh here. Choosing friends based on whether they can accept me or not. But then again, I've read this alot of times. Real friends would accept you and stand by you when you really need them. So why should I shortchange myself? When I know there are so many worthy people out there for me to cultivate friendships with, and who have no problem with me being les? Besides, I'm really tired of dealing and having to explain to people who think its wrong. I guess this is all part of the 'I don't care what people think of me' attitude that I have now. It ain't perfect. But its self-defence. When you live in a society which still marginalises you, you learn how to survive early. Maybe that's why Y K tells me to let go of that 'man' in me. I've hardened. And I can also tell from this . . . the people I treasure the most in N J are those whom I know have no problem with my sexuality. I thank God for people like them. And if I use that gay test in uni, I can sorta identify early on who could really be my good friend. Sort the wheat from the chaff you know?

I'd probably tell people very casually after getting to know them for some time. And I don't intend to hide anymore. So I guess uni would be a new start for me, and one that I'm really looking forward to. Heck, I don't even give a damn now if I'm gonna be known as a lesbian around campus. I know I'd be braver than before. And I've really learnt not to care anymore, albeit I learnt that very late into J C. Nonetheless, I guess this preps me up for uni. But of cos, this doesn't mean I'm gonna broadcast my sexuality over the PA system. There are some closeted gay people who might not dare to approach me if I'm too 'out' about it. Cos people might associate friends of mine as gay as well (how utterly presumptious right? But it can happen.).

And I guess its really nice to break away from S C once and for all. As in really plunge into the unknown. I guess we S C girls in N J still kinda stick together like glue, considering that the people who came over are compatible friendship-wise. And that's actually great, but then, we only really cultivate our old friendships, since they're so strong already. Do we really get a chance to know other people? Not really I think. We still consider our old school mates our bestest bestest friends. And by bestest, I mean the people you tell your worst secrets to. Maybe its also becos 2 years is too short a time to develop real and lasting friendships. That's why someone once told me J C was bullshit when it comes to all types of relationships. When uni comes, I guess it will feel like Primary 1 all over again. You don't know anyone at all. How exciting yet scary at the same time! Oh well, I guess I already felt that feeling when trying to break into the gay community of S'pore. Cos I don't know anyone at all. But now there are more people my age!

Maybe S M U might be more 'open' when it comes to minority sexualties. After all, its not the usual kind of people that go there. And what's more, I already know a gay senior (and some straight ones) in S M U. If I don't make the grade and end up in N U S, that's not so bad either. There's softball there and 2 gay seniors. So then at least I know of GLBT people in my school, and maybe it'll feel less alienating than N J. Yes, I can't wait sometimes to get out of this stuffy hell-hole that is N J when it comes to my sexuality. It's like being choked sometimes. I wanna break free.

Things will get better as I grow older. Since I only came out last year, its been a roller coaster. But I know I'd get there some day :) . Just need to get the hell out of J C first!


But then again, I know I'm rrrreaallly gonna miss some of the people here. And since most, wait, all of the people I know I'm gonna miss are not going to the same uni as me, or worse, are going overseas. . . I don't want to part so fast just yet. Especially those that understand me, its been a pleasure getting to know you better. I wish we'd had more time. And there are so many others whom I know we can really have a great friendship if only we had more time to let it grow. Heck, they more or less passed the 'gay test' already. But we're in different classes . . . and have so little time. Sometimes I feel like trading some of my classmates for other people. And I know for sure I'm gonna miss S C kind of people. There's something innate about S C girls that . . . I don't know, make us gravitate towards each other I guess. Maybe its the same kind of upbringing we had.

Sigh . . . I just know I'm gonna miss alot of people. And I wonder if we'd ever keep in touch, considering how 'successful' our 'class' outings are. I wonder if people would even be interested. Actually I wanted to do that whole autograph book thingy like we did in Sec 4 and Pri 6. But there's no time now, people would rather mug . . . than spend time and effort decorating your autograph book. And I can't blame them either I guess, cos I might do the same.

How sad.

We don't even have time to cement the memories we have, so that we may remember in the future. . .

But oh well, in the end, I'm still looking forward to uni! Heheh, how empowering this weirdly feels . . . My life is what I make it out to be . . .

'it's all in our hands
it always was . . .'

My tooth is officially dying.

Yes. The tooth decay from Lumut has come back to haunt me, and permanently at that. It was given the death sentence by my grim reaper the dentist last thursday. In fact, the drugs given to me is for it to die painlessly. The bottomline is, either way, its gonna die for sure. Now or later. With or without pain, depending on the drug's effect.

Oh my goodness. I am 18 yrs old this year and one of my teeth is going to die soon.





I feel old.

Actually, I was also given the option of 'enthunasia-ing' the tooth. Kill it now. But I chose the 'hospice' option. So from now on, I will make sure that its last moments of service on earth will be as painless as possible. I will not eat too hot or cold stuff, or bite down with that tooth, to ensure quality of life for it and painlessness for myself (duh). But don't get your hopes too high, I ain't gonna be wearing dentures anytime soon. So don't think I'm gonna become an ounce uglier than all ye grey people out there! Oh no. The tooth will still be there. Just that its a corpse, and hence feels nothing. The only aesthetic danger is that it might discolour (!) . . .

I hope that doesn't happen.


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P.S. I think Jesse McCartney's singing is damn nice. Ever heard She's No You? Man, I love his style of singing :)


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Check out my chinny-chin-chin!!!


I don't know why but I just decided to post a random pic.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Sigh . . . hehe . . . what's there not to like about softball?

Jennie Finch . . . I'm dead from 50 metres away

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Do You remember?
What it was like in R J? I love that feeling. I'll never forget that game . . . Even though they got 2nd, heck, I love causing them pain that day. 6-5. What a way to go down.
I miss softball.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Today, I hurridly poured out expensive wheat germ from my mum's bottle, and dumped the contents into the fish tank. They said somewhere in my numerous goldfish guidebooks that wheat germ can be food treats for goldfish before she could catch me doing so. Besides being expensive and supposedly for human commsumption only (as warned by my mum), it's listed in the ingredients for tropical fish food. Unfortunately, I miscalculated and dumped WAY TOO MUCH wheat germ into the tank, flooding it. But the fishes gobbled everything up anyway.

I hope they're alright . . .

But regardless, I just sat there and stared at them feed. There's something about the cute-ness of goldfishes that cannot be conveyed through my lousy photos. You have to see it in real life to know it. Sigh (happily). . .



I shall delight in small little things. :)

Friday, July 08, 2005

I love my goldfish.

Dumex looks positvely larger now. And the 'hospital tank' goldfishes have been transferred to the main tank, one of them looks like Princess but has more beautiful finnage. I think I'll call it Prince. And Membrane is as lovable as ever. Brown is still alive . . . thankfully. Stallion's just . . . horsey. And Roe's all fine.

Sometimes, I wanna kiss the tank glass when Princess passes by close. . .


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Heheh, you know what they say about pet owners looking like their pets? I hope I don't. But it doesn't help that my memory recalls that my sis used to call me goldfish in the past, a few years back.

Had dinner at Lingzhi vegetarian restaurant with the cousins today.

They're a couple of young boys, plus a very overgrown 'large' boy of 20+ age. You know how sometimes, it just gets absolutely tedious to be around people like yourself? Meaning people who think too deeply about 'issues' and 'life' and how we all love to bemoan our hum-drum existence. I am absolutely guilty of that too. I think we all are. It's called jaded-ness and it happens to you if you happen to be 18, J2 and hail from the grey school. Who wouldn't be? And when I finally break out of that mould and hang around others more innocently and almost faithfully living in lala-land, I find myself forgetting that I am . . . living. I forget that I'm about to take my 'a' levels, forget about the little insignificant details of friendships that sometimes bothers you, forget about my family situation, school situation, gay situation, bumpiness in the new softball team etc etc etc. I don't know, but is this what you call a reality escape? I escape from one reality to another. And how simply satisfying that other reality can be. My cousins, heh . . . they play computer games everyday. And they totally love it. They've been doing it for years. Heck, its a way of life for them. When the extended family comes together on festive occasions, the kids' (mostly boys) choice of activity is to adjourn to the computers and start hacking and slashing away. And they're satisfied with this . . .

You know. Happiness . . . is really just a state of mind. It doesn't really depend on your situation, although that affects definitely, but the depth of your happiness, just really depends on how optimistic you are, how grateful and satisfied with the things you have now. Sometimes, we're just so over-priviledged. The truth is, most of us are seriously over-loaded with money if you really compare against other people. Yet we all take it for granted. Take all the nice clothes, mp3 players, computers, handphones and all the things that money can buy (and which surely contributes to our happiness) . . for granted. Do we ever give these things a second thought? And the worse is, we're never satisfied, we keep asking for more when we should be happy with what we have already.

I've realised something. A person's point of view. Is JUST THAT! A point of view. You can never be 100% sure that what comes out of your mouth, your belief systems, your convictions, your arguements, is the one true and universally acceptable viewpoint. No. Cos if you're absolutely sure, than you're calling yourself God. Which you're not of cos. I've realised that what I think, all the things that I hold strongly to my heart, may not be true. And no matter how adamently and strongly I feel against how some other people think, I still gotta give them that inch of objectivity, becos I can never say I am the one and only correct one.

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There is you . . . and there is me. We used to walk down the same path, but somehow along the way, you choose to walk away, while I stayed on the same path. And we can't ever understand how the other person can actually choose the different path, which, in our differing opinions, is the wrong one. And though we may try as hell to change the other, we're kinda fixed already in the way we think. But mostly, who's to say who's truly correct? We can't. We aren't God. And we'd never know the real answer till we face him ourselves.

Let it go. I can let things go.Though I may wanna 'save' you as you try to save me. I won't. Cos no matter how deep my beliefs go, how I think I may have seen that light at the end of the tunnel. . . I can't say for sure. I ain't God. I can't play God. But this much I can do. I can give you the benefit of the doubt. And I hope for all those out there, who still think I'm in the wrong. Give me the benefit of your doubt. You'd never know if I'm really wrong . . till we all meet the maker. Till then, all's fair in gay and straight.

Opinions. Perceptions. They're exactly that. . . not real. You know, manda once told me that she can't understand how Keefe or those people who perpetually never hang out, go to town, have fun the way we know it . . .can feel happy and satisified with the life that they have. And when I think of this . . . another person in class comes to mind: H R. When you mug all day, and studies actually fulfill you, give you pleasure . . . can this be real? So many of us can't imagine this reality. Why? Cos it's not our reality. It's theirs. Then of cos we can't understand why they can be satisfied with what seems so . . . inferior. But really, like I said before, happiness doesn't really depend on your situation, it's a state of mind. If you can be satisified with so little, then actually, you're much better off than the lot of us, who crave and beg for more and more till . . . we're never satisfied. This thirst never dies . . . and here we all are melancholic and moping around. Maybe, if we just reduced our expectations, and immerse ourselves in small little things that bring us up . . . we'd be that much happier. Just look at Chalene, we can learn alot from her. So much. I admire her, and thank God for letting me have the priviledge of knowing such an enlightened one. And at age 15/16 some more. How is it that you can learn to be happy . . . at age 15/16?

And all those world views we have today? Like how cannibalism is wrong, enthunasia, all these moral issues that divides people . . . there's really no right or wrong. Really, everything up there in our heads is only just that . . . in our heads. You can't say for sure that it's truly real or right, until you're dead and you hear God say it with your own soul's ears.

Silly opinions, really downright *roll your eyeballs* kind of statements, don't really rub me the wrong way as it used to do. Instead, when someone calls an opinion stupid. I think they're stupid. Especially when its about something that has a really grey area, such as religion or politics, and that there are good points that supports both sides. When someone passes judgement so hastily, it irks me. It just bothers me that you can discount a person's view just becos you think your own view is more correct. What makes you think you're higher up? Becos of your religious conviction? Becos of your more priviledged socio-economic background? Family status? Becos you happen to be more widely-read than others? You could be wrong you know. No matter how horrifying and seemingly impossible that thought is . . . you could be wrong . . . just for this once. And that 'once' might concern something really important. And you'd never know for sure.

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And as I laughed and partake in the merry-making of my silly and funny cousins today, I can forget. Though their 'happiness' is nothing compared to our definition of fun and happiness. I guess the looks on their faces say it all, say it silently . . .

I am happier than you, in my simple life. . .

And who am I to say a lifetime playing computer games is less satisfactory than mine? It's all a point of view . . .

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Hmmm. Today. Well.

We had the silliest of emergency drills today. I thought for once somehting interesting was gonna happen in N J (apart from really cute charity workers coming to give a talk). But nooo, it was only a drill. How anti-climax. And worse, I have this really bad feeling that I left my electrochemistry notes and econs exam papers in the Lt. Total shit. It's really bad if I've lost them. Hope not. Hope it miraculously appears somewhere in my house (though I absolutely recall bringing all that stuff today to school) . . . sigh . .

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Sometimes, I wonder when you'll come. And when I'll finally arrive . . . at where I'm suppose to be, or could be. Or was meant to be.

Maybe not.

You know how you always wonder what your future holds? Or what you'll be like? It's like, most people do have some sort of mental plan in their head. Go to uni, get a cushy office job, date around, date your 'one and only' for a minimum number of years to properly gauge if he's really gonna be your 'one and only'. Get married BEFORE 30, have 2 or 3 kids, send them to a brand name school etc etc. Its all so, structured. Like we all live according to the same social script or something. The plebeian's script I'll call it. Cos it seems like everyone does the same thing around here. But have we ever imagine what it's like to do something . . . unfamiliar? Something uncommon? Maybe like . . . pursue that dream of yours that's not financially viable, like become an artist. Or a writer in S'pore for that matter. I wonder if people actually think out of the box when it comes to their own lives. Cos I think, all these 'goals' we have, sort of hinder the way we view how life should be. We think this is the only road we can take, cos everyone else takes it. Do we ever try to explore? Step out of the safety boundaries. Rarely I bet.

No one really dares to live dangerously. And if they do, I admire them for their courage. Like you know those people who do base jumping and all that dare-devil thrills? I really like that free spirit. But I guess in a place like S'pore, this isn't something that the environment cultivates.

We're just frogs living in wells really, if you think about it.

Like you know that saying, 'you only live once?'. Yeah. If ever something crazy comes along, maybe I should put my fears aside and go for it. Live for the moment. Cos the future's never what you imagine it to be.


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Sigh. I miss talking 'deep' to someone. Anyone. But I guess its gonna be a dry spell for the rest of this year. Hmm, I gotta try to be a better person. But then again, even in uni next year, I'm scared of getting too close to people, and yet scared at the same time I'd be left behind. I'm scared of ending up liking them(especially girls), it really complicates things unnecessarily. Sigh . . . Oh well, its not that difficult a decision to make. If you're my friend and I end up liking you? Too bad lor, I might get slapped and lose a friend. Big deal, I almost know how that feels. I can survive again.

Learn to be independent.

Sometimes, I build a wall around myself. If you can't handle being around a gay person, well then, go f*ck yourself, I think. I care less about what other people think already. But sometimes, I guess I go overboard, in the sense that I push people away. And I know that people might close their doors to me becos of it. But I never know when it happens or whether it happens at all. Heck I don't have a clue. There's such a strong in-built self defence mechanism already. Like how I involuntarily gag at the mere scent of wheatgrass, if someone seems anti-gay towards me, I would just . . . . react. Or maybe, it's something else that pushes people away. Y K says I have to learn how to let go of that 'guy' in me. Cos I'm come across too strongly sometimes. Oh well, I don't know really, and I don't know how either. I guess it's just me.

Heheh, I'm really talking alot of crap here. I'm getting incoherent. Jumble of thoughts in the head! Elsa's mad!

Interesting fishtank fact of the day: Princess did a purple poopy today.

*Looks down on self with a heavy heart*