Monday, June 27, 2005

Can't wait for the CTs to be over. So I may finally blog about my fishes. I've been absolutely dying to blog about them. Hopefully, I can get Picasso to work so I may post up some lovely pictures and hopefully, post up my own home-made goldfish video as well :)

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Was bored and sick of studying, so I discovered some really cool quotes haha. Gay-related duh, look at the blog you're reading . . .(Words written like this are my own comments).

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Three words: High school ends. No matter how much life sucks right now, it will get better. It'll never be all rainbows but someday you'll know, your family will know, your friends will know. The people who really care about you will stay with you, and you won't think twice about putting your name at the end of an e-mail like this. —JAMIE MYSLIK (I have high hopes for that too!)

When I was a baby dyke, I would hang around the Gay/Lesbian and Women's Studies section of the local Barnes & Noble. If you're afraid of people staring at you (like I was), you can always just turn around and look at whatever shelf is behind it. —KARYN (Haha, that really sounds like me. And yes I found the GLBT section in Kino, and heheh, there is no label for it. They'd be crushed by the powers that be if its brazenly displayed. Its just inconspicuously there , a small little shelf on its own. . . you gotta have gaydar to find it ;) )

Don't be ashamed of being sexually inexperienced. It's way hotter than being prematurely slutty. —K.

Join a local theater group. If you have no thespian tendencies, paint sets or take tickets. The cast party is what matters anyway. Most actors and actresses are at the very least bisexual by closing night of any play. The downside: Actresses cry a lot, which can be exhausting. —SMALL-TOWN DIVA (Mel? Can I join drama? I heard you had a cute J1 haha . . )

I wish someone had told me at 15 that I could go for anything in life. In my loneliness I assumed that all kinds of things were off-limits to me: sports, fraternities, genuine friendships, the possibility of raising kids. I shied away from potential friends and mentors and wrote off professions and cities where I thought I wouldn't be wanted. I missed so many opportunities. Don't assume that doors are closed to you just because you're queer. And when you come across the occasional one that really is locked, kick the fucker down. It's your world. —INTERNALIZED IT (I lurve I lurve I lurvve this quote!)

Best strategy for a teenage lesbian: Study hard and apply to a good liberal-arts college. Good grades can open doors to a world of smart, fun, open-minded women (action like you can't imagine). Four years at Wellesley were worth the debt. —SMART, SEXY & SOLVENT (Haha, hmmm, I wonder if that was why I wanted Cornell. Not exactly liberal arts, but hey, it's in liberal New York)

On smoking: Just remember, no one will ever not smooch you because you don't smoke, but someone might not smooch you if you do. —RMD

I am a 24-year-old, femme black lesbian. I have been a practicing lesbian since I was around 15. My advice for teen lesbians looking for love is . . .
1 It's all in the eyes. The girl that stares at you all the time, she's gay too. If you aren't attracted to her, make her your friend. If nothing else, you can be gay together. It sucks to be gay by yourself. (Haha true true!)
2 Pay attention to the girls in the locker room who stare at ceiling tiles, walls, or sneakers while everyone else gets dressed. Refer to #1 as needed.
3 If she utters the phrase "I am not gay, I just like you," head for the hills. Unless you like emotional trauma, then I say have a ball. Weekend lesbos are not cool.
4 Young lesbians are bibliophiles. Pay attention to a girl's reading list. Fem-Lit or titles like The Well of Loneliness can give you a clue to whether she is gay or not.
5 Short, clean fingernails for obvious reasons. I can't stress this enough. (HAHAHA! For girls who are less clueless about this and who have discovered themselves alittle bit more than the usual, I think you'd know what this means. I sure understand the hint in this one haha.)
6 Be yourself. The very things that make you different are sexy. How can some one be interested in you if you aren't interested in you? Take care of your mind, body, and spirit.
7 It is a terrible stereotype and I am almost ashamed to say it but . . . team sports are, well, you know. The tall, strong girl on the rugby/basketball/soccer team that you can't keep your eyes off of? Let's just say she probably knows exactly how many ceiling tiles there are in the locker room. (hahahaha . . .do I qualify for tall and strong? Hmm, maybe short and strong is more accurate ;) )
8 Sex is fun and natural if a person is ready to enjoy it, but don't rush into anything. —Black Femme Goddess

You can be the most loyal, devoted, intelligent, and dependable friend, but if the dude is straight it's all for nothing. —A Separate Peace (haha this applies to girls as well)


And for my all time favourite . . .


Despite what some fools say, God loves you. He made you in His image, saw that you were good, and He has no desire to see you tear yourself apart trying to make yourself straight. —Mike H.






Peace.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Ooh guess what? Mindless surfing turned up one new pic! Haha, I haven't forgotten L I L O yet! (top row wearing black and next to the girl in red)

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Been thinking alot lately.

Mostly it had to do with God. I don't know, but somehow, the mysteries of life starts tinkering with my brain again. I don't profess to know much about God. I don't give biblical quotations here in hope of inspiring others or to show my knowledge of the Bible. But what I do is question, and ask. In that way, I guess I'm showing that I'm trying to learn here, instead of portraying myself as someone who is learned already. Cos truly, who amongst us is really learned about God? There's never-ending learning and frankly, we only know so little. And yet, there are questions in us that seem impossible to answer (or the answer is something that we as mere humans can't comprehend). Or sometimes, what we think we have learnt about God, is actually only what we have learnt from society. There was nothing Godly about what we have learnt, for it is merely ideology. So sometimes when I see strong christians, or hear about them, I sometimes wonder . . . are you sure you're on the right track? Maybe some beliefs have been so ingrained that questioning their path becomes taboo. So when I mention strong christians to some of my church people, they are very skeptical about it. They don't know for sure whether to believe that they are really strong christians or not.

Only a person knows what they truly feel. No one else can vouch for them. And becos of this, people can pretend to be one thing on the surface but are actually a whole different people on the outside. Bea once told me about this book she read, (think it was called 'Armageddon'), about the End Times and almost all the true christians went up to heaven except a few so-called 'christians'. Among these people who were still living in the dreadful apocaplyse that was Earth . . . was a pastor! He, all of people, didn't get to go to heaven. One would think all pastors are strong christians right? But I guess that book shows that you can present whatever holier-than-thou image you want to the world, however . . . only God knows who you truly are and there is no hiding your true self from God.

Sometime ago, Clarence gave this really interesting lesson during combined cell. He said that even as gay people, we tend to read the Bible as 'straight people'. Meaning, we never thought that we could derive lessons on how to be a good gay person from the Bible. Or even how to be gay. He even asked this explosive question to jolt us, "Would you accept the possiblity that Jesus is gay?". Heheh, alot of people took offense with that, and people were not happy. But I guess it reveals the still ingrained homophobia amongst us all, even thought we proclaim ourselves to be 'liberated' from this societal bondage. The issue wasn't whether Jesus could be gay, but it was about how we could not even accept that possiblity. We just downright throw it out the window without analysis. Actually this whole lesson was about how Jesus' life actually teaches gay people a thing or two about acceptance and coming out. Jesus himself came out of the closet! As we all know, Jesus felt himself to be different from other humans when he was young. Just like how gay people feel themselves to be intrinsically different from other straight people. And how instead of hiding or suppressing it, he chose to stand firm and embrace what he knew he was . . . which was the son of God. Even though he knew that it would be met with great opposition from the public/society in general. He stood by his guns, becos he knew God would guide him and help him. This is just like for gay people, when they have to wrestle with the option of choosing to stay 'hidden' or to come out of their closet. Jesus was marginalised by society (just like gay people are these days) and he paid the ultimate price by dying on the cross, under the hands of the general Roman public. But he never once gave up the belief that he was right, that he was indeed the son of God and that it wasn't something shameful or wrong or heretical to proclaim. And that is the lesson that gay people can learn from God, that though we may face opposition from numerous others, we have to stay strong like Jesus did in the olden days. We can learn to accept and become strong in our beliefs from this story. In a way, Jesus's life can be a parallel to ours. As long as we know that God is behind us, what do we have to fear?

(And in this way, I know of a good guiding principle when living your life and faced with difficult decisions. Just ask yourself this question, "What would Jesus do?")


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But there are always grinding questions that assail me. Questions that even you would surely find hard to answer. Alot of times, people say that 'God has a plan for everybody'. Is this really true? Think about it. There are some people in this world, who by fate, were born unlucky. Meaning, they were born without ever coming into contact with the christian faith, may have been sexually/physically abused as kids and grow up to be pyschopaths. Yes, I am talking about those crazed serial killers. Where is God in their lives? Is this God's plan for them? Sometimes, you can't really blame such people for turning out this way. Cos child abuse at a young age can lead to psychological problems. For some of them, this mad psychosis is genetic. So whose fault is it then? Who is to blame? Does God really have a plan for everybody?

Actually, for me, I think that God doesn't really have a plan for me. A plan as in 'step 1: elsa will do this, step 2: elsa will do this . . ". More likely, He is my quide. Like a nanny, He will walk beside you BUT he wouldn't aid you in your step. You take the steps yourself and learn how to walk yourself. Still, He will be there to catch you if you fall . . . sometimes. I think, it's not good of christians to place everything in God's hands blindly. By that I mean, you make any decision at your whim and fancy and leave everything else to God. Thinking that God will 'take care of the rest'. And then, blaming any ill decision you make as 'God's will'. Pffft. That was your own bad decision. Cos I believe that God will only help those who try to help themselves first. If you don't even bother trying/attempting to make things better for yourself, what makes you think God will be your maid and clean up your mess for you? That is why, when making decisions, I first have to think of a good solid logical reason for my action plan, and then back it up with . . . 'What would Jesus do?' if in my place. So if that's the case . . . whereby I make decisions first based on my own thinking, then maybe God doesn't have a plan for me. I chart my own destiny, with God by my side as my guide. But most of the time, He wouldn't really interfere with the decisions that I make (even if they may be wrong, and that is why humans still sin). He might interfere once in a while, but most of the time, I'll learn from my own mistakes (or not at all! We can't learn everything). Thus, God isn't the person who lays the foundation of the road I walk upon, that is what I do, but rather, He is your buddy on your journey, and that's why people's journeys can be so different (some are good, some are bad. Alot of what happens is based on the individual's choice). Cos if God had a plan for everybody, wouldn't He then make everybody's plan have a happy ending? Wouldn't everyone be sinless then? We plan our lives . . . with God as our guide.

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I've also been thinking about how the more mainstream church pumps up the pressure on the gay community, the stronger we become instead. When push comes to shove, something has to give. Like for example, it was becos of one gay person being thrown out of his church for being gay, that FCC (Free Community Church) was started. It was becos of a mainstream church which ostracised and kicked out one of its members, that S'pore's one and only gay-affirmative church was created. And closer to us, it was becos of the toilet incident that I decided to seek out other gays, and guess what? I'm sorta officially part of the gay community in S'pore now. One-third of the people I know now are gay, 7/10 0f my latest outings were gay-related stuff. I go to a gay-affirmative church and happen to be the youngest lesbo there. And it is my dream to have a youth group for queer teens like me. So that nobody has to go through all that trouble and hassle that I went through.

I guess some people may be alarmed at the fact that I am 'deviating further from the norm'. That I'm becoming more incorrigble/unredeemable/more 'hopeless' than before. But if that's what they want to think, by all means, go ahead! I've realised a long time ago that caring too much about obtaining other people's approval is a hindrance to quality of life and self-affirmation. I am my own person. And so long as what I do doesn't hurt anybody, I don't see anything wrong with it. People can disagree till the cows come home. But seriously, we will forever disagree. So let's just cut the bullshit and live in harmony eh? I like girls. Big deal. Leave it as it is. I think I prefer the elsa of today than the conformist elsa of yesterday. At least now, I'm learning to think for myself. Others may also say that by choosing to 'be myself', I am compromising my prospects for love (since there are obviously not many queer women as compared to straight men). But then again, since when did love become about quantity and not quality? I'd rather have 4 wondrous and memorable relationships in my whole life than have a string of unfulfilling boyfriends. There's no point in love if I'm not fully immersed in it. Like I said, I'd rather not love, than love with half a heart.

Sometimes, when I think hard enough, I guess I'm really grateful to the people who started up this church. Though at times it may seem amateurish if you compare it to mainstream churches (they with their clad-in-robes pastor, full choir, caregroups, beautiful and hallowed church compound), FCC is only a conference room with a motley stage crew, and manned by a few dedicated people. Yet somehow, though FCC is less than 10 years old, they managed to create a little shelter for gay christians to worship safely, without harrasement. And when I hear of Gary, who sometimes come to church on Saturday evenings to clean/vacumm up the place, becos this was what he wanted to contribute to God, I am thankful for the people who make all this possible. Sometimes, being a small church has its perks. I don't feel like a loner or alien in a big place. In fact, it has a cosy atmosphere, whereby you actually mix around with a wide variety of people. Which other church has people from different backgrounds and wide-ranging age groups (18s -40s) actually mingling together after service? Most of the time, the youths go for youth fellowship, the parents go for their cell or caregroup meeting. Here . . . you can't tell the age difference that ususally separates people. To be frank, FCC had less than stellar beginnings. Do you know it was first started in an attic above a gay pub? Yea, you read right, a pub. I think I must first put forth the complexities of being a marginalised group in society. There are very few alternates/places that they can turn to. Very few avenues of help that they can get from. In the gay community, there are only so few public spaces where you can do things legally and apparently, they won't bother you if you're in pubs/clubs. Heck, do you think that the association of churches in S'pore would help them set up a worshbip service, knowing the nature of the group? Hell no. They had to register themselves as a company, when they first set up the church. It was only after a substanstial financial fund-gathering on their part that they managed to get themselves out of the attic and into a more appropriate venue. Yes, I'd admit that many things could improve (for example, we could expand the place but we don't have money, also the youth group can be counted on one hand and that is pittifully small), but for what its worth, I'm grateful for what I have already.

Life. Hmm. Still got a long way to go . .

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Man I luve it I luve it I luve it. I lub it.

NARCISSISM AND EGOISTICAL SELF-PRAISE ALERT HERE!!! (If you can't stand people who rattle on and on about themselves. Leave. Now.)

Never have I felt such conviction to control my diet before . . . and keep desperately in this shape! Please let me keep this shape. Ok, I'm turning into one MAJOR narcissist here. But I can't help it! Especially since I haven't been this slim since like . . . sec3?? Argh! Finally weighed myself today and phoawr, I'm actually sub-50 now! 49 kg to be exact. So I lost around 2 plus kg. And what's best that really matters, is what looks like in the mirror now. In fact, I study in front of the mirror now. With the stupidest grin on my face. Sitting on the exercise gym ball so I may metabolise as I mug. Haha! This is arguably one of the top 3 perks of going for OBM and suffering the biggest hell of my life there. Discovered a secret from there. Mountain climbing sculps your bod. Seriously. I guess rock climbing could work as well but you might get chunky, muscled arms. But the sort of mountain climbing that we did in Lumut (without ropes or harnesses), you use most of your leg power and ass alot. Plussss . . . you come back physically transformed. Come to think of it, most people won't even realise any change in me. But if you love yourself too much (like I do ;) ), you'd notice all the itsy-bitsy changes in yourself. And now I get to wear clothes I previously look bursting out of! And one the biggest wonders/mysteries of life: my thighs actually don't rub against each other anymore! Omg 0_0! Yay! Gosh, I love meeee!!!!

When back in school, I plan to eat yong tau foo as often for recess as I can, mindy/manda style (i.e. without any carbs from noodles, just the ingredients). No more Western food and I shall try as hell to suppress my desire for the chicken rice stall fried rice. No no no. Think of your waistline elsa. Think flat abs . . . Whoa, this hasn't been a reality for a rrreaaally long time. Oh, I should stop molesting self too, and prancing in front of the mirror like an idiot in a cabaret. And I must exercise. That would be quite tough to muster. Hmmm . . .

And right after CTs, I'm finally going to shop during the Great Singapore Sale! Nice clothes and T-shirt bra here I come! And yes, I'm gonna grab the opportunity to wear nice clothes out! WEEEE!!


Dum-dee-dee-dum! I'm in a happy mood! *drums fingers on table and plan more body-enhancement escapades*



Oops, did I mention it also coincides with the upcoming S'pore Food Festival?? Uh-oh . . . Self-control!!

There's been some really nagging thoughts about sexuality in my head. And after last Sunday's lunch with the guys, it becomes even more obvious to me. In fact, this has been around for quite some time already and only now am I putting it in words.

There was once this sex study done on the complexity of human sexual response. They had four groups: lesbians, gays and straight females and males. Each group was shown porn footage of both straight and queer porn and their individual sexual response (i.e. arousal) was measured. Now this is really interesting. For women, be they gay or straight, whatever porn they are watching turns them on. That means, even lesbian porn turned on the straight women and straight porn turned on the lesbians.

BUT.

For men, straight men were only turned on by straight porn and were disgusted by gay porn, and it was the opposite for gay men. And the conclusion of this study was that women's sexuality was more complex than prevously thought and male sexuality was actually rather clear-cut and pronounced.

And when I compare it with real-life ancedotes from my friends, I find it's kinda true. Do you know that for many of the gay men I know, they absolutely find sex with a women repulsive. You should see them scrunch up their faces and shake their heads. They can't imagine putting the /@#$ into a girl. It's like their sole sexual attraction is to other men only. And some of them never even fantansise about women before! Girls . . . just can't do anything to turn them on. (Contrary to this, women's same sex attraction has a more emotional bearing than that of men. For gay men, it is almost like this is their natural sexual attraction. They can't imagine anything else). Well, I'm not saying that ALL gay men find straight sex repulsive, but if I were to go by a church poll? Well, that answer would be a large majority feels this way . . .

So the thought in my head is that sexuality converson therapy is probably more damaging to gay men than to gay women. Why? Simple. In actual fact, if you really think about it, sexual conversion is not about making you straight (i.e. creating heterosexuality in you), but more so it's about suppressing your homosexuality. So those that so-called 'succeed' in conversion are very good at suppressing their homosexuality. Are they straight? Nope, I don't think so. More likely, I think they become sorta asexual, cos they try to suppress their usual sexual attractions. Since they never had heterosexual attractions in the first place, they end up having no desire at all (cos they suppress their only desire). And that for gay men is really sad, becos if you imagine them getting married . . . What becomes of marital sex then? Like I've mentioned, some gay men find straight sex disgusting. How are they gonna consummate their marridge? Does sex then become a ritual of reproduction? Exactly like how the catholic church sees it? It's not about love or desire for your partner anymore?

Let's be frank here alright? Sex does represent pleasure to most people. If you're gonna say that, 'I'm only going to have sex to have children blah blah blah' . . . my bet is that you're lying. Cos humans have an innate sex drive and even married couples have sex for pleasure and not to reproduce! That is why there is such a thing as birth control in the world today. If you truly believed that sex is only for reproduction, well then you must be catholic (I'm not criticising catholics here but I'm just highlighting that this is a catholic belief).

So what happens to the sex life of married gay men then? It'll be quite sad and I can foresee how the couple will have alot of marital problems due to an unsatisfactory sex life. On one hand, the wife isn't getting her needs met. Neither is the husband, cos he'll find the act repulsive and hence it won't give him pleasure. Some may argue things this way and say that gay men, once 'converted', will find heterosexual intercourse 'normal' to him. But then again, let me pose a question here. To all the straight girls out there reading this, can you ever imagine yourself having sex with another woman and actually deriving pleasure from it? No right? It's impossible right? It's probably like the most disgusting thought in the world to you. But to gay men, they view sex with women just like how the rest of you straight girls see it --- Gross.

I've heard of stories from one guy once, about how his ex-boyfriend tried to convert himself to heterosexuality. And he tried so hard for so long, and the end result was that he became very unsatisfied and bitter with his life. There is a sexual conversion therapy run by this church (Church of Our Saviour) and it's called Choices. In that program, there are ex-ex gays. Meaning that ex-gays who supposedly rid themselves of homosexuality, came back again for re-conversion cos they realised that alas! I'm still gay! Help! Sometimes, the problem with suppressing your sexuality only surfaces much later in life. And sometimes, when you built up so much pressure, it can become quite explosive. It's probably like suppressing your anger for a really long time. Suppression doesn't always work too. I posted an article a long time ago about this famous ex-gay (who was a sort of 'poster boy' for christian sexual conversion therapies in US. He even married an ex-lesbian and was on the cover of TIME magazine), and supposedly being straight, he was discovered in a gay bar one day and there was a whole uproar/scandal about the crediblity of sexual conversion therapies. And you know what was his response to that? "I was only in there to use the toilet!" Heheh, there are lots of nefarious gay activites in male toilets . . . surely more so for a gay bar!


But the biggest thing I don't like about suppresion (well if others choose to suppress, they can do whatever they want as long as it does not hurt anybody. Besides who am I to judge if they are wrong, even though I may think otherwise? It's none of my business to judge anyway! So if someone chooses to suppress, I wouldn't interfere with that person's choice. Cos after all, it's a deeply personal choice and there are some things I think we shouldn't mess with, as outsiders), is that sometimes, most of the time, it will create stronger homophobia in that person. And when that happens, it just makes the life of other gay people (who are satisfied being gay) more difficult. That's what I don't like about suppresion: when the suppresion affects other people it's not suppose to affect.

Maybe for queer women, if we were forced to live a straight life, it's still not so bad. But for gay men, it's probably harder. Then again, I'm not a gay guy, so I won't know for sure. But all I know for sure is that I wouldn't want to mess with my head anymore with all this conversion stuff. Cos personally, I don't believe that total suppression works, but then again, that's just my belief from my own personal experience. Believe me, I've tried suppresion.

Once is enough. I don't ever want to go back again.

Monday, June 20, 2005

This is bad news.

I feel like I'm lapsing into a very dangerous mode. The 'oblivious to reality' mode. I'm still living in dreamland. Still half-awake and only slightly conscious of impending doom. This is very very bad, and it's deja vu all over again. I can't summon up that mugging spirit and the last 3 days have been the most unproductive since my return from M'sia. Why? Cos I barely studied. BARELY. And that word scares me. Reading about how other people are mugging their eyes out and are forging forward, pushing on and trying . . . when it seems like deep down I don't really give a shit; is really freaking the hell out of me.

WHAT AM I DOING?? BLOGGING ONLINE NOW WHEN I SHOULD BE STUDYING??? WHERE IS THE FOCUS????

Today, I studied a pittance of chemistry. Grazed past 2 physics chapters. Most of the time, this was done lolling about on the bed, half-asleep, half-dreamy and contemplative about what to blog. Good God . . . I wonder if anything got into my head. Heck, I was even slightly amused that I moved pretty fast through the chapters (maybe it felt fast cos the memories of actually mugging was few and far between, I mostly remembered my day-dreaming). Oh shit. Ohhhh shit. After getting my filllings done today at the dentist (casualty of OBM:Lumut, my teeth got decay due to the long bouts of not brushing teeth during the expeditions), I actually bothered to check out some clothe stores. I actually gave into the temptation of window shopping when I should've rushed home to study!! And I did plan to study when I come home. But unfortunately, guess what? Daddy borrowed 'The Woodsman' and I heard it was a good movie so I decided to plop myself in front of the TV and watch-study! Shit. Bad move.

I need to mug. seriously. now! I need to get my act together! ARGHHH!!! What's happening?? I keep asking myself this question. Pragmatists will tell me to go STUDY NOW instead of blogging. But hey, erm, its 10.30pm at night and I don't like having to study late. Plus this is my reading time so . . . .

ARGH!! Excuses excuses excuses. I keep saying tomorrow!!

But tomorrow never comes . . .


God please make me study . . . please please please

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Back to church after a hiatus of two-weeks.

This time I invited along a whole bunch of people. Must say the turn-out was larger than I expected. But all in all, I was glad they came. Was surprised that some actually agreed to come, considering the nature of my church, but I guess the gayness wasn't such a big overdose today! Can imagine if they had came for the very first session that I went for (which until now happens to be my favourite all time church session), cos the sermon was entirely about how one guy dealt with God and his homosexuality. It was Peter then who spoke and I like the way he gives his sermons. Gary is another great orator too (must be all that practice in City Harvest).

But frankly, I was quite dissapointed today cos I missed my fave part of worship which is the songs of praise part at the start. And this time round, I guess people didn't really have an opportunity to mingle. When I decided to bring people (classmates) to FCC, the main thing was not to change their perception on homosexuality. Heck, that wasn't even an intention at all. But more specifically, I just wanted to share with them a part of my life right now. Cos after the toilet incident, there was a change in me and I took a path which was a deeply personal journey. And not many people know what I went through, or the things I came across, or the people I met. And most of all, what the hell I'm doing now since I'm sorta part of the gay community in S'pore. I guess I just wanted to share part of what is like to be me right now, and hopefully, maybe, they can emphatise a little more with me?

It doesn't matter anymore whether you approve of homosexuality or whatever. But I believe that it's important for friends to share part of their lives with each other. Cos what is the use of friendship if I hide myself from you? Or don't talk about the important things that matter to me? We wouldn't be friends then . . . we would be called acquaintences. Some part of the dissapointment, was also due to the fact that I didn't really reached my goal of sharing my life more with others. Cos I didn't want them just to see my church friends as 'faces in the crowd' but rather, I wished they had a chance to talk and get to know each other as persons. Just like that time that SJ and Ian came (seperately) and both got to know some of my friends in church. Unfortunately today, the gay youths weren't here and the rest of the gay guys were all sitting in front whereas we sat at the back. (Now I know why we, meaning my church friends and me, always go to the front for service, becos the atmosphere at the front is more lively and engaging. And maybe it's also becos some of them . . want a front-row view of Gary. ;) tsk tsk!). It's only when you mix and talk to gay people that you can see them as fellow people, and not a separate entity or strange phenomena. I guess I wanted to humanize that aspect of the gay community to them . . . to show that even though our sexualities are different, we are still very much alike in the end.

And lastly, I was hoping we could have lunch together, so that I could find out more what they thought of the church and tell them a little more about myself, the church and the gay community in S'pore. But alas, I didn't have the chance unlike that time with SJ when we talked about alot of stuff (and I think, in a way, she understands me better and knows a little more about my life right now). Oh well . . . at least they came!

Anyway, after sending the classmates off, I went back to church and had lunch with some of the Levi's guys at a chicken rice eating house. It was a damn nice meal (the chicken is sooo smooth) and pretty cheap too! And the Levi's boys always make for great comapny :). Heheh, there was a lot of funny stuff that they said but I shan't disclose them here (lest it's offensive or people don't understand cos . . . most of our jokes tend to be gay-related). Had a really insightful converstation with Mark later as we left the place. (Sometimes, I guess coming to a gay-affirmative church as a gay person is sort of a blessing when it comes to relationships with fellow church members, cos we have such a selective common topic that we don't (or can't share) with the rest of our straight friends. You can never truly emphatise with what a gay person feels unless you're gay yourself. Thus, we're able to cross that initial awkward threshold of 'getting to know each other'. In a way, we already know each other. There is just this invisble bond of knowing, which I can't really describe to you. And from there, we move on and talk about deeper stuff that matters to us. Love, sexuality, life, beliefs. Sometimes, its such a breath of fresh air for me, to be 100% frank about my sexuality and the struggles, trials and tribulations that I go through, and share it with those who have walked down that path before, and are walking beside me now on the road less taken. There are some things I can tell my gay church friends, which I never tell my other straight friends cos I know the concept is something they cannot grasp, being straight. This is also why, it is so so so important, as a gay person, for you to have gay friends of your own)

We were talking about sexuality and various gay issues such as, 'How do you tell if someone is gay?'. We discussed the merits of being open or hidden about your sexuality. And he asked me how I came to be so open about my sexuality at present. Then we talked about how do you know for sure if you are gay? Cos sometimes, it's very easy to imagine yourself in a rational/logical straight relationship. And it's also harder to tell whether you're gay, if you are sexually attracted to both sexes. And that is me. And also, unfortunately, when I imagine myself in a relationship with a guy, it's for all the wrong reasons . . . Have you ever wondered why elsa likes masculine and muscular, hot men so much? I'm not faking you know, I really do like men . . but for their bodies only. So how do you really know for sure?? He told me that sometimes he too, wonder about the straight side of things and how he came to reconcile these all . . . was just very simple. And when he told me what he did, all of a sudden, things became very . . . simple. The issue was just that . . . . simple! It's not difficult at all! (ok, there is an over dose of the word 'simple' here, but it really struck me as something so very commonsensical. And it was staring me straight in the face all the time, when I've wasted quite abit of time online trying to search and find out what defines your sexuality (is it the sexual or emotional attraction? Or both?)) It's not rocket science to know who you like, even though you may like both sexually. But to know who you really really like and want to be with in life . . .

He said this, which I thought was the simplest and most apt answer to some of my struggles. It is sexuality defined, in its simplest, purest and most humble form : "The gender that you really like . . .



. . . is the one that makes your heart beat."




And I know . . . all these years . . . the one thing that never fails to make my heart beat.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Ho-hum.

Life is such a drag, now that I'm not in OB. It's so sad actually . . . as I left the place, I knew deep down that I'll miss it terribly when I get home and face the reality of mugging. I miss the brainless, mindless pain (call me a masochist or whatever, but it's a sensation to be felt in order to be stronger . . . mind over matter, that's what they call it.) I miss the people there and our 'Sri Lanka', prickly heat powder, tent and 'liew' jokes. All those jokes heheh, are worth almost a lifetime of memories for me. A whole N J lifetime to be specific. I probably laughed more during those 10 days than I ever have since the start of this year. That's how crazy and funny things were, and it's also how sad and deprived our lives in N J has become. I'm so so so so glad Mr T O N G (eternal gratitude to him) gave me this wondrous opportunity. It is arguably the highlight of my whole 2 years in N J. Nothing could ever compare. And I think the rest would agree with what I say here.

And the best thing right now? I love my body! Warning: Narcissitic self-indulgence by an ex-fatty here is about to commence. If you'd rather read something more educational, change webpage. I feel like I just paid $990 to go for Marie France Bodyline, 10 days treatment. And the results do show!!! At least now, my thighs don't rub against each other when I walk. The stomache has never seen a flatter day (heck, do I spy a four-pack in the horizon?) and I love seeing the ridges on my trunk. The arms are slimmer, so is the face. And I fit into clothes I previously couldn't wear. So the next few days, I'm only stepping out of the house in scandalously revealing clothes or something tight. ;). And since I took extreme care of my skin during the sea expedition, I ain't sunburnt or peeling like some others and so don't have to worry about ugly skin on an otherwise toned body! Yay! Minus the dilemma of 'should I or should I not?' wear that skirt that will show off my legs but also show off my nicely peeling orange skin?

Right now, I'm gonna try hell best to maintain this alien body (nope, I'm still not used to this skinniness) by not eating much. My coughing kinda helps cos it hinders eating, and funnily, after OB, I'm so put off by eating. Well, wouldn't you if you only survived on baked beans, maggi mee, milo, nestum and kari ayam for days on end. Eating the same sludge night . . after . . night . . after . . night. And for morning, I wake up to . . . Mee Goreng! And the next day its . . . Mee goreng! Again! There is always an ubiquitious boiled egg every meal. So much so that some days I eat 3 eggs a day. I am now so sick of eggs. On Monday, after returning home, we had OB reunion at Sakae. I couldn't eat much then either, was so sick of rice, rice and more (sushi) rice.

As I thought about all these and more while mugging econs half conscious (yes, I actually plan what to blog while bored and anticipating rest time), I realised that I'd love very much to keep in my current shape right now, and I hope that it can be done.

I also realised something else. . . I'm actually studying now . . . and not thinking of someone else.

How free, liberating, it is, not to be in love. Not to feel like your heart strings are tied to someone else and it's being tugged, tormented with everyday. Not to think of someone so frequently with the knowledge that that same person doesn't do the same to you. Doesn't think as much like you. Doesn't miss you with the same fervour that you miss her. How wonderful, this type of 'singlehood' feels. By singlehood I don't mean I'm not attached, it means my heart is not attached. Singlehood is good. Singlehood is easy, is simple, is bliss. I remember how few and far between the moments of singlehood in my life are. Most of the time, I'm hopelessly infatuated with some far-away (or close but feels eternally far away) girl. Now, things feel more independent and stable. I have some semblance of control right now.

Which is the reason why . . . I kinda dread love. I dread it when it hits. When I feel myself starting to slightly tip over into the love well of no return. Where the sun don't shine and the flowers don't grow and the animals hide. I dread that feeling of wanting, of desire, of ughh (I hate this painful phrase ) . . . one-sided love. Even if the next girl, by some stroke of luck, happens to be gay/bi and I like her. Even though there's that extra glimmer of hope, I'll still dread it all the same. Cos somewhere along the way, I'm sure to be burnt again, just as I was burnt before. And that one hurt. ALOT. Once bitten twice shy. I'm safer being 'unloving'. Safer for myself and my heart. I'm not looking forward at all, to have to secretly 'watch' someone and pine for them, to have feelings of insecurity and nervousness, and worse of all . . . to be vulnerable and conscious of myself.

Sometimes I wonder if I do that to someone else. If I have that effect on others that others have on me (then that would be PAYBACK haha! ;) ). But then again, I think, they'd must be nuts to like me. Which is why when I think of love, I always envision myself as the one who does all the chasing, all the courting. The one who gets hurt and rejected. Then I thought of a little defense mechanism for myself. If I ever fall in love again, maybe it's easier to just cut out the feeling before it grows too big for my own good. Try to shake them off. If that fails and I have no choice but to let myself love freely, I could try going after the person. But if it doesn't work out, then I'll just sling back into my armchair and remain there for awhile. Try to move on. Heheh, but that's easier said than done. Ever heard the phrase, 'if you can't beat them, join them?' ; some people may wonder why don't I just turn straight, it opens up a hell lot of dating opportunities. But then again, would you ever settle for second best? For something as important as love? I know I wouldn't.

I'd rather not love, than love with half a heart.

Therefore, the conclusion is . . . it's easier just to stay out of love. Some people complain that they never fall in love, but truly, I think they're kinda blessed, cos their hearts don't go through so much anguish/torment. Some people fall in love and then fall out of it, and they complain cos it ended badly. But hey! Wait here! You've forgotten something so important! There were happy memories too wasn't it? At least your love wasn't one-sided, at least you had happy moments you can bring back and keep. What if you've loved secretly but real, unhidden love never materialised for you? Sometimes I wonder how is it this whole dating circuit works. What's the social scripting like? What are you supposed to do exactly? I have not a clue at all. Watch movie on a date, followed by dinner? Is that the standard formula? The thing about gay dating is that, since it's out of the norm, no one has ever set the social script for you yet. No formula. I could do whatever I want, but WHAT DO I DO?

How do you ask a girl out?

Hmmm.

Sometimes, life is easier without love and its accompanying headaches. I'm enjoying singlehood of the heart right now and am not looking forward to the next person who would entrap me (cos there's probably a high likelihood that it'll be deja vu disappointment again). Whether you're straight or gay (harder if you're gay), just stay out of love and your heart will thank you for that.

Go in peace, happy and un-loving one.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Welcome home.

Dude, I'm finally back after 9 tough days. The craziest and probably most memorable 9 days of my life so far. If I was to recount all the wondrous and horrendous things that happened, this entry would take forever. And since I'm still coughing like a mad bitch for the fourth day running, I shall be short and sweet =) Besides, nothing I say can ever convey fully the feelings I had, the hilarious (almost) 24/7 laughter, the jokes, wisecracks, the pain and anguish, the triumphs and failures. All those emotions . . . came in such a unique blend that I will never forget the 19 other students who came with me. This trip has been a helluva ride. In total, we kayaked 65km over 3 days, hiked 28km up a mountain (5437ft) with 30kg backpacks over another 3 days.

One of the most memorable things that happened to me (and which I would NEVER forget) is when I was kayaking near the coast. An army helicopter suddenly came low towards my kayak and flew past, just 3 m above our heads. It's a scene straight out from an acton movie and man, that was so utterly cool . . . And I won't forget either the little ancedotes and jokes that we have. All the bonds that we forged and friendships strengthened. I even quarreled with Dav, but in the end, I guess it both made us stronger and closer. I like this honesty we have. She told me how she'd put on faces sometimes, and I told her how liberating it was not to 'pretend' or hide, just like how I don't hide my own sexuality (which she already knew).

I feel like there's something so so special between all 20 of us now and only we know it and feel it in our bones.

Frankly, kayaking was very manageable. Even when we had to kayak for 9 hours against the current, I was still ok. The only point I felt like giving up was the last day of kayaking, cos I was having fever. I would never forget though how the land expedition brought me down to my knees. I was so damn slow (was the slowest girl). So damn tired. I felt like sitting on the ground and crying. Yeah, I almost cried. It was that bad. You can't turn back down the mountain, you have to keep on going cos people are moving, and the helplessness of that all made me wanna give up. And I keep asking myself why I signed up for this bloody course anyway. Just wanted to die . . .

Oh well, aching limbs and muscles, groin and shoulder abrasions later . . . my body's so toned now it rocks more than ever. Yeah BABY YEAHHH!!!!

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Took my last napfa. The very last one yay! Got my straight As again yippy!

2.4k timing: 13.22
sit-ups: 32
IFAH: 31
shuttle run: 11.0
standing broad jump: 194cm
sit and reach: 53cm

Overall, 2.4 k really deproved. But I discovered the secret to IFAH! Just use your arms totally (I somehow depended on legs abit last time) and just keep doing it, cos we always give up too easily and that is why we do so little only. Shuttle run is best ran without shoes. Standing broad jump? Sigh . . . I was hoping to hit 2 meters at least once but sigh . . not even my PB this time. And I love sit and reach! My fave no-effort-required station!

Oh well, last NAPFA was not bad. But I guess I still had alot of dissent and discontentment within me while doing it. Maybe that took away some of the pain. . . Either way, things bode well for Lumut!