Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Back from softball camp. Well, the emotions follow a sine curve. It was up and down. This is probably the most dramatic softball camp ever. And the most tense and emotionally charged elections. Two people cried. One out of nerves, the other out of anger or something.

It started out well on the first day, with our silly games and all. I was laughing like mad and thoroughly enjoyed the priviledge of being a game master. I think they enjoyed the games as well I hope. Cos I certainly had fun watching the forfeits and banana antics.

Then at night, the seniors went to the student lounge to play pool. Haha! Me and manda suck at pool! We seriously suck haha, and I'm still amused when I think of it. Sometimes, we could only tap the white ball slightly. Twice I sent the white ball straight into the hole without contacting a single ball. And Manda amazingly did a pool trick by accident. Heheh, that one was super hilarious.

What came after that was more interesting. The seniors that were present played truth or dare. And my goodness, there were lots of things said which were better left unrevealed. And as we agreed not to disclose all that was said outside of the game, I'm not going to say what others told me about themselves (of cos, we all played truth. It's more fun this way). But I certainly didn't expect to be 'outed' so quickly though. On my turn they asked who was my current crush or something, and I said it was a j1 they didn't know (and that's true). Then they asked me for my biggest j2 crush. I was like, what the hell, 'I can't say! Are you insane?'. But e s t e ll e knows, so she definitely urged me on (I guess she has wondered about my side of the story for a long time already. All the things she've heard is from one source only). So duh, of cos I told the truth. I didn't really give a damn already. I'm pretty comfortable in my own skin now (you can tell if I can just say the word 'lesbian' out loud without flinching or nervousness). It has become as duh to me as the sky is blue. Just the way things are. Later they asked me other questions like what 'type' I was ( PL: pure lesbian, I don't really like labelling myself, but if it helps them to understand then so there). They also asked me why . . . heheh, the ubiquitious 'why' that people ask of GLBT. Why am I like that? Why do I like girls like that? Well, how can I explain? Can you explain fully your heterosexual attraction? Can you fully account for why vanilla tastes better to you than chocalate? Or cherries versus bananas? (heheh, if you can get what I mean by this . . . ;) )

I just . . . am. And I guess that's the most simple explanation I can give. I ain't God, so I can't claim to fully understand myself or why I turned out this way. I just know that I'm at peace now with the me inside and though it's difficult to struggle sometimes . . . at least I'm me, and not someone else instead. I'm now the elsa that I've always been but always hid. And it feels like I'm finally out of the waters and breathing for the first time. They couldn't understand either how is it I liked her. But when I explained it in terms of something akin to heterosexual love, just that in this case my crush is a girl not a boy. Then I think I saw nana understand abit. In fact, I was kinda surprised about her reaction to this. I thought she would be seriously shocked. But it seemed that she took things quite calmly.

But Gerard was kinda a problem. He thinks I can go back to the straight path (which I was never on in the first place) by citing ying's example. Yeah, ying's bisexual, and she has a boyfriend now. But I think they forgotten that she's bisexual, and thought that just becos she happens to date a boy now, she is straight. Well heheh, who knows ying better? You or me? Of cos me. She still looks at girls I know, and her boyfriend accepts the fact that she's bi. So long as she doesn't cheat on him, it's ok for him if she looks at girls. Ying once told me I should just try being straight, becos lesbian relationships are not easy as bi-curious girls can hurt you (if you date one). But then again, I don't think any relationship is easy, straight or gay. But the point is, I don't want to play along with a guy's heart just to 'see' if his type is suited to me. I don't think that's fair to him. Just as how it's not fair for bi-curious girls to play with lesbian's hearts. If I ever date a guy, I won't do it becos I'm trying to 'go it the straight way', but it'll have to be becos I genuinely feel for him (wow that will be a feat if it happens!)

Overall, it didn't really bother me that more people know right now. In fact, I consider that quite a good thing, cos I don't have to pretend around others. And I guess what they say is true, practice makes perfect. The more often I out myself, the easier every session becomes, the more natural I find it is for me. And of cos, it all helps to make myself feel even more comfortable in what is arguably quite a controversial issue. In fact right now, telling others I'm gay is a non-issue for me.

You can call me a fool. But I know I'm not. You can say that I'm living life the wrong way. But do you truly know what is right? I don't claim myself to be totally right on this issue. But I know that God will help me find a way. Just as He has done a little for me right now. I know alot of people are afraid to accept their homosexuality. Well who wouldn't be? With society's huge and still on-going homophobia. With peer pressure. It's not a nice feeling to know that you're part of a minority. And that not many people share your kind of attractions, leaving you to deal with yourself all alone. I know alot of people choose to suppress themselves instead, they choose to 'live a straight life'. But I really hope they're genuinely happy, and that they would genuinely love their future spouse, and not love them 'becos I'm supposed to' or love them out of obligation. I don't think that is genuine love. And I don't think that's being fair to them as well. Which is why I will NEVER go straight for 'straight's sake'. I have to be true to myself, and true to others as well.

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Team elections . . . were marred by something ugly that happened the night before. The most prominent clique in N J softball went against one of the safety rules, though it was unintentional. But a rule broken is a rule broken. And it was also a serious one at that. We had no choice but to mete out a heavy punishment on the last day of camp, right before elections, and on the people who were running for exco. So you can imagine how emotionally charged and tense elections was. . .

As for the final outcome, I'm quite ambivalent and really don't know what to think. All I can say is that it was totally unexpected. Even for the teachers I think. It was unexpected. And there was more drama after that as well.

N J softball has too much politics now. And if that problem isn't resolved. That could be our down fall, but, I have faith that some people in the team can change things for the better.

Oh well, I hope I'm right this time round . . . Right now, I'm going to wash my hands of softball completely, maybe not the sport, but the governing and politics of it. Sometimes, at the end of the day, you just get so sick and tired of it.


I'm gonna rest now.

Saturday, May 28, 2005

I love But I'm a cheerleader!

Finally watched it at ppc today and man, I wanna watch it again! It was damn funny with many spastic stuff but underneath it all, there was actually a really sweet love story. I think that was the best part of the show, that although it's meant to be a comedy, it's also very human. Megan is so funny, absolutely dorky! Very soon, I'll watch finish Lost and Delirious.

First gay movie. Check.

Nice to meet you by the way!

Break! The Urban Dance Spectacular.

W-O-W.

Came 40 minutes early and skipped dinner in the process.
Grabbed a space in front of the barricades.
Stood for 3 hours right in front of the speakers.
Saw real, live, breakdance.

I guess no matter how much I try to describe the death defying and insane shit they pulled off, you can't fully appreciate it unless you're there. And the dancing, poping and locking, electric boogaloo and footwork were all extremely well choreograhed. These people have absolute body control. 3 hours later, I was tired, thirsty, stuffy-nosed, but hell it was all worth it. There were also other side acts such as deejaying, drums, and this guy who could make drum/music noises with his mouth (that was damn good). I also saw some people I recognised, such as k e l l y from sc and N J, and I theeenk I saw one of the femmes from Fridae.com personals.

Now, half-deaf, dizzy, and what feels like legs and butt that have just worked out, I'm still living in yesterday . . . =)

Thursday, May 26, 2005

May 24, 2005

Robert Scheer:

A Hypocritical Church's Sex LessonsThe pope has minimized priests' crimes while wagging a finger at gays.

One of the most sexually repressed institutions in human history has been caught with its pants down yet again but still insists on wagging its disapproving finger at the rest of us.

Last week, the Roman Catholic Diocese of Orange released more than 10,000 pages of letters, handwritten notes and other documents from the personnel files of 15 priests and teachers as part of its $100-million settlement of another in a numbing series of class-action sexual abuse lawsuits against the Catholic Church.

Despite the horrific drumbeat of child molestation revelations, however, sensible Catholics hoping for a more transparent and less sexually repressed church shouldn't hold their breath. The new pope is not only a longtime leader of vicious church attacks on "evil" gays, he also has shamefully blamed the molestation scandal on the media.

"In the church, priests also are sinners. But I am personally convinced that the constant presence in the press of the sins of Catholic priests, especially in the United States, is a planned campaign, as the percentage of these offenses among priests is not higher than in other categories, and perhaps it is even lower," said Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger ??now Pope Benedict XVI ??in 2002 when he was the head man of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith.There is nothing holy about shooting the messenger.

The leader of the world's largest religious denomination apparently doesn't understand the essential truth of the molestation scandal: It was the church's breathtakingly systematic cover-up over many decades that so horrified followers and outsiders alike.

When it comes to matters of poverty, immigration and peace, the Catholic Church is a major source of enlightenment. It is a serious loss to have the church's work in those areas undermined by its Dark Ages attitude on sex. And, as is so often the case with the most severely judgmental and repressed, this stance is rife with moral hypocrisy.

How else to explain an institution that refuses to accept responsibility for the lives it has violated through sexual abuse, neven as it incessantly condemns same-sex couples for wanting to form stable families? If you are gay and want to get married you are "deviant and a threat to society," according to the Vatican, and if you adopt a child ??the irony is dark here ??it is tantamount to abuse.

Pope Benedict himself exemplifies this contradiction. The same man who doesn't get the scale of the molestation cover-ups has written some of the Vatican's most anti-gay rhetoric, including a 1986 letter to bishops calling homosexuality "an intrinsic moral evil," as well as a 2003 battle plan telling Catholic politicians they have a "moral duty" to oppose gay marriage and adoptions.

"Legal recognition of homosexual unions or placing them on the same level as marriage would mean not only the approval of deviant behavior ??but would also obscure basic values which belong to the common inheritance of humanity," stated the church's "Considerations Regarding Proposals to Give Legal Recognition to Unions Between Homosexual Persons."

"Allowing children to be adopted by persons living in such unions would actually mean doing violence to these children, in the sense that their condition of dependency would be used to place them in an environment that is not conducive to their full human development."

Tell that to the many happy children of loving and nurturing parents who happen to be gay. Such a common-sense solution to the tragedy of unwanted children is what the pope abhors as part of a "dictatorship of relativism," to quote from his pre-anointment speech April 18.

This is all especially outrageous considering that the openly gay community has offered a model of honest and socially accountable behavior, while the Catholic Church ??secretive and unaccountable ??has provided exactly the opposite. In fact, the church's history of sexual abuse by "celibate" priests and nuns makes the case that the repression of natural impulses leads to, rather than discourages, sexual abuse. Is it too much to ask that a religious institution sporting such an abysmal record in dealing with these matters stop dictating the bedroom behavior of its millions of followers?

Sadly, it probably is. The church will continue to face eruptions of sexual scandal because of its renewed insistence on a sanctimonious medieval morality ignoring the main lesson of this sorry affair: Sex is natural, becoming ugly and exploitive only when denied healthy outlets.

For our civil society, the message is even more compelling: Yes to the life decisions of responsible adults, gay or heterosexual; no to the sexual dictates of a church that cannot be trusted to monitor its own behavior.

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Hmm, let's just say that . . . I'm getting quite used to this kind of *#@&$@^$(*$. Well, I could say worse things but I think this would be quite harmless . . .

"I'm quite glad he's 78 years old. Just a couple more years . . . "

X)

What me worry?

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

I bought my first bikini today.

Like whoa. Major milestone for elsa. It was for the most -_- of reasons . . . . I needed it for OBS. Cos we are going to have to wear a wet swimsuit and hike and sleep in it for more than a day (there won't be a place for us to change out of our swimwear after the sea expedition). Thus, I'd rather be in wet panties and bra than wet 'full-body' suit. But anyway, it does look nice! At least to me it does, I just try not to nickpick at my 'problem areas'. It's light blue with yellow flowers . . . (everybody collectively go awww . . .)

Bought a couple of bras as well. And now, I officially have a reason to wake up at 8.30am n the morning and go to Robinsons at 10am opening time during the Great Singapore Sale becos . . .

Editor's note, 1 day later: Massive roach flew into the room and due to harrasement, loud screaming ensued for a full minute (but it was in vain for no family member bothered to rescue the victim a.k.a.me). Self-evacuation from room later, computer was immediately shut down and room disinfected with insect-killer spray. Currently, the vicitm is not bothered to complete this post due to post-traumactic stress disorder

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart,
I see,
To me you're strange and you're beautiful.
You'd be so perfect with me, but you just can't see,
you turn every head, but you don't see me.

I'll put a spell on you,
you fall asleep
I'll put a spell on you,
and when I wake you, I'll be the first thing you see.
and you'll realise that you love me.

----Strange and beautiful by Aqualung

This song . . . just takes the words out of my mouth . . about one-sided love, about crushes, about impossible desire and, about you, you, you and you. All the 'you's in my 17 years of history.

Isn't infactuation sometimes the most heady emotion you'd feel? Gosh people, just listen to this song!

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Softball is over. All that's left is camp and elections. Little 'leftovers' after the big feast of competition. And here I am festering in my sunken chair, the ass melding together with the hard cushion. Spreading further and further, like butter on toast. My ass is expanding. Ran a couple of times the last week to train for M'sia OBS. At home and during softball training. But all this still don't seem enough. And when my nose starts to bug me by being sneezy, it's 'stop everything right now! Go to the bed and recuperate!'. I can't do anything, or more accurately, I don't want to do anything, cos respiratory problems are my biggest nightmare and phobia. The whole world stops for me if sudddenly, I am forced to become conscious of my nose's existence (through it's incesssant bugging of me). So yes. I need to move around more. Maybe tomorrow.

Camp! Softball and M'sia trip! Gosh I will be so wiped out by both! And I only have 2 days rest between. It will be one helluva physical shit (which means I get to lose weight yay! . . and come out sun-burned, haggard, insect-ravaged, pimply, scarred . . . so much for weight loss). For M'sia camp, we will be hiking a mountain for a whole day, which means I soon have to practice walking up and down my HDB stairs. There will be land and sea (this time it's really sea~!) expedition. Land expedition will be near the mountain we're hiking, and apparently, the place is called, 'Kingdom of Leeches'. Groovy. I help you pluck your leeches, you help me pluck mine. Group bonding. It's like OBS, just that most people go for the 3 or 5 day OBS, this is a 9-10 day one. In M'sia, where it's bloody hot and humid. And we're going in the middle of summer. We also may not bathe for 2-3 days. From now on, my prayers will fervently be on the issue of 'please God, make my PERIOD come soon. Come now!!!". I will just die if it comes during OBS.

Sigh.

No word yet from ppc. They haven't decided. Which means I didn't watch my shows this saturday. Hopefully they'll approve. But then again, I know it's hard cos it's actually kinda illegal, using an office to watch pirated vcds. If they get in trouble with the authorities, it'll just give them (authorities) an excuse to 'clamp down' on gay stuff. But who will actually know if we all keep mum about it? Sigh . . I'm dying. Wanna know what happens at the end of Lost and Delirious. I watched one half already and so much interesting stuff has happened already. Oh, and there's still my comedy for laughs. Weirdest thing is, I have this vcds for more than a whole week already and I haven't watched them.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Here come's another post about . . . girls. If you're overly bothered or just plain bored about me ranting on and on about babes. Proceed now to check out other regular blogs that you follow. Or here are some things which might satisfy you instead. But it's even more mundane than girl-watching (in my opinion):

Joined the juniors for training today. Mostly helped them out and throw ball/pitch for fun.
Did ONE question of maths tutorial in 2 and a half hours.
Slept during a gazillion lessons.
Laughed alot over the 'McDonald's drive through/waitress jokes, mindy's 'coffeewok',
Threw discus today for PE

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Anyway, to the like-minded ones (*ahem, you know who you are!) and those just concerned with the mundane day-to-day life experiences of a lesbian. Please stay awhile . . . =)

I realised today as I was walking around N J . . . that I was unconsciously cruising . . . Looking out for pre-identified hotties and make-my-knees-jelly J1s. Which was why I didn't really mind being 'waitress' today after school, fetching food to and fro from the canteen. Cos you actually 'cover alot of ground' this way. Step out of class, pass the circular 'atrium-y' roundabout, walk down the steps to canteen, reach canteen itself (a hotbed of activity and students). And there are so many routes to take! If one route is particularly devoid of people, take another then! Somehow, the probabiltiy of me meeting some of the targets is quite okay (hopefully). Though I didn't manage to see her today during my 'patrols'. At least I saw after assembly. Yay! Imagine if she had joined softball. Gosh. I wouldn't concentrate on the game at all. And I'll use my leadership clout to ensure that I be the one to train her . . . one-on-one. MUAHAHAHA!!! Okay, I was just kidding on that one.

Today, in the bus ride coming home, I plonked myself down on the seat and realised that sitting right across me . . was one of the most BEE- EE-YOU-TEE-FOOL H C J C girls I've ever seen. She can only be described as angelic looking, all soft lines and all. But the one thing that really made me gawk at her . . . was her lips. The most kissable lips ever seen. And she had her head bowed down, fringe falling over the face. Haha, just made me wanna tilt up her chin slowly and *muacks!* Hearing Falls Apart by Sugar Ray on the handphone certainly helped the mood as well heh.

Then it dawned upon me that I used to do this all the time. Look at girls in buses, MRT, streets, everywhere. But I never acknowledged it. Just couldn't help it but stare. I never did admit to myself though that, 'Hey girl, you're checking out other girls here you know that? What are you doing????' Now, I just do it blatantly in the silence of my heart. Just let it flow free. Cos I know even if I tried to dam up the emotions and stop my probing stares . . resistance is futile. Heheh, then I realised that I never ever do this to guys at all. The only time I ever really look at guys . . is if he is insanely handsome. And then, it's only for like 10 seconds? Then . . . indifference. If my eyes linger longer . . it'll probably be at some muscle group or his crotch. But for girls, I look everywhere. Mostly the face though. A pretty face can just take my breath away.

There's so much beauty in this world. And only now, I allow myself to begin enjoying it.

Completely.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Today was quitteee eventful.

One of my more interesting wednesdays. Actually, all the wednesdays for the past two months have been nerve-wrecking due to thoughts of competition. Not anymore! Not today. No competition today. Softball season has officially ended. We went only to watch the guy's game . . . and collect prizes. The latter made me miserable. I was feeling lousy cos I didn't want to see R J get what we fought for. But surprise surprise! R J ended up 2nd! H C dropped to 3rd! Hoho, the idiotic H C softballers screwed themselves up too. And I thought the only people they screwed up was us. Oh well, guess their softball is going down. Next year 1st and 2nd might be V J and R J again. Wouldn't be surprised really. I also felt kinda relieved when I saw what the prizes were. 4th, 3rd and 2nd placing trophies looked all the same. Only championship trophy was different. Ok. At least R J didn't get bigger trophy than us. I would throttle them in my head if that happened.

And the really worse thing that happened was . . . I broke a trophy. Like, I picked up the box containing the trophy upside-down, so the trophy fell out and shattered on the concrete. I was like O_O . . . they are soooo gonna kill me! Next thought was . . great, I just shattered my trophy. Duh, since it was my fault, I should be the one to suffer. Great, my only nationals medal. But then . . . I realised that we had 14 players! And 15 initial medals! Yay! There's still enough 'whole' medals for everybody! THANK GOD!! Phew, I metaphorically wiped the sweat off my brow (Actually, it was literal too cos I was sweaty and dripping after throwing around with m e l).

As for the guy's game. Sigh . . . it was bad. They lost. During the last few innings I saw one if them clutch his hair in frustration on the bench. I feel really bad for them. Really. They worked so hard too, training 4 times a week like the girls. But nothing paid off for them. And it was probably worse when their game ended and the girls came back at the same time, arms overflowing with tropies. I think that made it worse in a way. Seeing what the girls have but they don't. I've never seen boys cry before. I guess things got to the point where they couldn't take it no more. Last straw on the camel's back. I wanted so much to comfort them. But then again, I know how cliched it is to say, 'it's ok la. Never mind la. There's always next year la' . . . when truthfully, it is NOT f-ing okay at all. For the j2 guys, this would be 6th ranking two years in a row. They have no next year. But then I thought, perhaps it might be kinda callous if I don't say anything to them and just walk off carrying the big team trophy with me? When I'm so near them and can obviously see some crying? I decided then I should at least do something. So I patted S er Jin on the back. Wordless. He did acknowledge it with a nod. I guess there are times when the best thing you can say is nothing at all. When a person's down, and you can't truly understand what they're feeling, don't act like you do. Cos you'll never know what it feels like. You can't truly emphatise unless you've been in a similar situation. Sometimes, it's better just to show that you are there for them and they are not alone. But don't comment. It's just unnecessary sometimes. This is kinda like how I know friends try to comfort me after the stupid girls softball screw up. The intentions are good. But they should've just left me alone. Only those who felt it, been through it with me, truly know what they're talking about when they comfort me. And to that, thanks to nana and m a nda, during the aftermath of wednesday.

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Besides that, looked at a couple of cute softballers today as well. Though most were from the 'enemies' (as I will now affectionately address H C and R J), what the hell. Pretty is pretty is pretty. Besides, we all want to win. And heck it lah, there are too many things here which led to these events. Don't wanna dwell on it anymore. During the guy's game, I threw ball around with softball juniors and that darn w e i l i a n g made me run soo much! And I was kinda rusty today.

Chem prac today was damn funny. Haha, we laughed so much over food chem and wheel of fortune! Though Ms Lim was sick, she still gave us free oreo cookies for compensation for her lost voice!

Before practical, we went to the AEP students' art gallery exhibition. And guess what? The absolutely C H I O junior from my junior class was there. Viewing the stuff as well. That was the first thing I noticed ;) And she was also arguably the BEST exhibit there. She reminded me of my old crush HM (also in rugby), though they have different features, both are good-looking in that girlish-handsome way. Kept hanging around, positioning self at strategic angles so that I can get a 'stalker's view' (i.e. view where you can see but can't be seen as seeing. Get it?), and of cos, ignoring E S t e ll e 's bored pleas concerning, 'can we go now?'. Talked alot to C H A R M too, when actually I was naughtily focusing on junior haha. Later at the McDonalds in Giant, managed to weasle out more information about her from my very conveniently 'same-class-as-her' softball junior. Found out that she's in touch rugby, planning to quit or so it seems. Unfortunately, my softballer doesn't know her very well. Awww shucks, tough luck. . . limited information source. Tomorrow. Prize presentation. Not looking forward to it really. Just wanna get it done and over with.

And get on with life.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

O M G. I am absolutely drooling at the lips right now. I'm so sorry mel. But this is like my major passion/fantasy. May 27th. 8.00pm. Breakdance! The Urban Funk Spectacular (a Steve Love production).

Repeat.

Breakdance! The Urban Funk Spectacular. I am so going to go for this. How often do you have a breakdance production in S'pore? The community is sooo underground. The only times I can watch pretty good (above average) break dance is if I pass by the underpass to Esplanade. Then again, it's novice guys who are performing. Now I can see professional breakdance! O M G!!!!!! This will be like so damn good. SO absolutely, superbly, incredibly. Goodness, I just know this will be explosive! Then I thought, hmmm . . . who should I ask to watch with me? Obvious answer would be break dance fellow interested party ying. But she can't make it and since all/most of the N J people would be watching drama fest . . . that leaves the sistah! OOOH!!! Goodness I can't wait!!! Breakdance . . . that was so long ago, when I attended the classes and did those crazy moves. I remembered spending hours in the morning once perfecting the head-stand. How good it felt when I finally mastered it after all that sweat and pain and bruises etc.

Tickets cost like $30+++. At S'pore Indoor Stadium. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I'm gonna see real live break dance for the first time!!! Real PROFESSIONAL performances!! That's like going to coldplay's concert or something for me. But even more!! I'll be on a dancing high days after . . . . =) Oh well, gotta go secure those tix now!

Monday, May 16, 2005

Have finally configured the darn handphone's mp3 setting. Yay! I officially paid $$$ for it so it better damn hell be useful for me. At least now I can listen to music in school, instead of looking longingly at nana, manda, ian, QJ, mindy, SJ and everyone else who owns ipod or it's equivalent. It can only hold like 30 or so songs but that's fine with me. Since my musical tastes tend to stagnate at a certain few songs from time to time. I have less than 50 on my computer now anyway.

Temptation got the better of me today. Thus, I commited 2 sins. One was to eat cheese fondue. Which I had been eyeing up there in the fridge for a while. I even forced D12 (it's an affectionate code name that me and my sis devised for our maid. We thought of calling her D24, but durian names would be too crude so we settled for eminem) to go all the way to West Mall to buy baguette from Delifrance, so I can properly sample the gourmet cheese.

Well the end product sucked. The cheese was too salty on its own. Even after dipping in bread, it was still salty. I didn't finish it. And imagine my horror when I read the nutrition label and saw that the daily percentage amount of saturated fat in it was 98%! Ok . . . so it's salad only tonight. Cos there's no fats in salads. Right?

Sin number 2: Instead of doing homework. Which I should considering my grades. I caved in and decided to have a little 'sneak preview' of Lost and Delirious. Why not? After all, this is probably the only chance I have to watch it at home, since parents and pesky sis is not around. Well, I only watched half the show but wow! My first lesbian movie! How monumental . . . I like it though. Picture quality is not so good. Mischa Barton is decidedly wooden eye candy. Heheh, sorry mel, but you'd be dissapointed with her acting again. But on the flipside, the love scenes are as sweet as lesbian love scenes can get. The emotions raw. I kinda like the two lovers' acting and the way the story unfolds. There's alot of things/themes in the movie which finally (!) I can relate to. Plus I like the background music. There are many more wonderous things I can spout about this movie but then again, I am heavily biased of cos (since lesbian movies are hard to come by and good lesbian movies are even harder).

Can't wait to watch together with a whole bunch of like-minded girls and curious gay buddies haha! If the a f a allows of cos.

You know, when I was younger, the only concept I had of 'lesbianism' was that it occured to only masculine female teenagers. And it only applied to teenagers. Somehow, when people grow up, they outgrow this 'stage'. Hence, this was the misconception perpetuated to me. It never dawned upon me that 'old' people, i.e. adults or middle-aged women, can be lesbians. It was a puberty phenomena I thought. Funny heh? How I knew that there were old gay men out there. I never ever pictured an 'old' lesbian. Or even knew that they existed . . . until, I met one, two, three . . . heck so many 'old' lesbians.

And it's really interesting sometimes, cos I wonder what their lives have been like up till this point. How do they 'survive'? Define happiness? Find their partners and actually have a relationship in this shaky, heterosexual/homophobic world? I really wonder. Then there was this lady who told a group of us that once, on a dinner date, her lover leaned over the table and planted a big wet sloppy kiss on her. She was so shocked she pulled back in wide-eyed surprise. Why was she shocked? Cos they were surrounded by people. Straight couples, families etc, in an open air eatery. It was an expression of affection in a world that frowned upon such unions. Then there was another who openly held her girlfriend's hand. Once, a couple (mutual friends) were smiling and walking towards them. But just as her straight friend saw them locking fingers, the smile dissapeared and they changed course to avoid them. The lesbian was hurt cos, "Huh? You're my friend and you don't even want to greet me 'hello'?"

Hmmm. I could picture a homophobia-free world. How much better it would be, for you and me, for all the GLBT people out there trying to live the life they know, trying to be themselves. How sometimes, I don't wish for money or for grades or for power. All I wish for is discrimination to end. Then there will be no need for me to search out ppc. No need for me to find a 'constructed family'. No need for me to have to explain to people in the past and in the future why I didn't choose to be this way but this is just me. No need to have to hide all those years. No need for tears and pain. No need to let this issue consume me, as it has consumed so many others before me. And last of all, no need to try changing. For it hurt worse than all of these combined.

If there's one thing I want. All I ask for . . . is the world to be a better and more accepting place tomorrow. I could throw softballs at people. But when you kill someone. You kill the person. You don't kill the hate.

To all the GLBT people out there. *Hugz*

Sunday, May 15, 2005

College Day. Major waste of my time, money and stomache space. In the morning, the whole family went to open bank account for me and sis. Then we went to buy my new handphone cos the old one kept spoiling/screwing up on me. Lastly, ended up at Sabai (thai restaurant) in Takashimaya for lunch. It was damn expensive (like eating gold like that) but hell, it was fine thai food and really really good (though I would complain that the portions are small!). If you go there and you like sweet stuff, buy the durian dessert. Coming back home in the car, I realised it was like 3 something and that when I reached home I had to leave right away for college day! My goodness, no time to rest at all.

So off I went and I was supposed to be in the cleaning rubbish committee. However, I didn't lift a single finger to help at all the whole night thanks to some ingenious persuasion on manda's side. Plus I had the personal excuse for my conscience that I was still doing my part for the school. Sitting at the drama bench and helping them sell tickets is considered N J duty also right? Hehe. Anyway, had a really funny time trying to fool others that I was acting in the show. I hope I can pull this prank all the way to the day itself! Haha, then the trick on my junior would be priceless . .

There was like some foodfair thingy going on, stalls manned by juniors and prices were quite outrageous. I did eat alot of crap though.
1. Nasi lemak
2. coconut juice
3. vietnamese spring roll
4. 2 cups of rootbeer
5. 4 tang yuan (home-made and orange in colour) balls in soup
6. potato salad
7. coped some of mel's cheese cake, sea coconut drink and curry with bread, and also manda's sotong ball.
8. Last item was eaten near to closing time, when food prices were rock-bottom (i.e. people had to clear stock and were begging people to please eat!). Shepherd's pie. It was originally sold at $2.50. I got it for free, but of cos there was some sacrifice in quality la. Like for example, the melted cheese was hard. And it was cold.
9. Melvin was like constantly bringing bought food to the table and food also magically appeared out of nowhere onto the drama table. There was like curry puff, sandwiches, fruits (which I bit into and tasted sour, so I stopped).
10. Closing time, steph dumped a whole plastic bag of otah and keropok onto me. Saying 'food!'. I nibbled tentatively on one of the keropok . . and pushed the whole bag aside. I'm not even going to open up the otah man. It's been sitting around for wayyy too long, and I wasn't hungry anymore.

My stomache felt crappy after all that nonsense. But oh well, it was an interesting experience! An even better experience was cruising as I sat at the drama table. Cruising = check out people. Don't know why but the gay community uses this slang alot. I heard it so many times during church today. Saw my spanking new interest (whom I want to spank haha), and my gawd . . she is really beautiful. And once again, in the same junior class. 2nd intaker I think. So pretty. For a moment I was even mad enough to follow her around so that I can see more of her. And I sure took many trips to 'scout out' food, when truly I was just passing by/hanging around her class's food stall where she was helping out. *Sigh . . .*

Today, I changed the battery for the weighing machine. So it's now more accurate and in working order. Didn't like what I saw on the screen at all. In fact, I am shocked. AHHH! Have to lose weight. MAJORLY. Ok, I think I shall eat yong tau foo on tuesday . . and start some jogging soon!. Oops, time for dinner (eat less not more!).

taataa~

Friday, May 13, 2005

Oh goodness, I acted like a stupid fool in front of someone I don't even know today. I hate it when the inner me wants to catch other people's attention. And instead of being the usual elsa, I start acting a little 'extra'. For what end I don't know. Only makes me look even more foolish and silly. Heck I'm a senior sommore! Tsk tsk, what loser behaviour today. Ok, maybe it's not that loser, it wasn't even slightly embarrasing but still . . . I knew I kinda went overboard. I hate it when good-looking girls do this to me.

Also discovered something else as well. It's called the 'invisible crush'. Sometimes, when you see someone gorgeous for the first time, you know immediately that you are going to swoon over this person for sure. So you indulge in it cos you know and have identified this person as eye candy. But there's another type . . . It's the one whereby you don't notice at first glance, but it just builts up on you the more you happen to accidentally see that person. It's so subtle that you don't even realise that after awhile, you are checking her out as well. It's so subconscious. So invisible. Your eyes work faster than your brain and you have yet to register this new . . . interest. And then. HA! You find yourself thinking of a total stranger out of the blue, and then you realise that all this while you've actually been thinking that she is pretty. Just that you didn't know then. All of a sudden, this 'new' person replaces the obvious eye candy that you usually look out for. She's now your new eye candy. And worse, cos she crept so subtly and silently into your line of sight . . . she's a total mystery.

Of cos, I look at two people now. =) Stop drowning yourself in beauty dear. Not too good for your heart!

Ah well, gotta train up self for OB lumut soon. And like seriously slim down or something. I uploaded the softball pics onto the comp and realised just how damn NICER other people's legs are compared to mine! Grrr . . . Study! Study! And train up the softball revenge for next year!

Bad choice of movie today.

It's 2 am in the morning and my head is throbbing. Today, I went home early with the full intention of studying, but when I came home, all I did was sleep till night time. Then I made the rather unfortunate choice to watch S.A.W. It's not very well known, but it's horror/thriller. The storyline really, can only be described as sick. SICK. If you ever watched it, heh, if you so choose to make that unfortunate choice . . there are many scenes which makes you wanna puke your guts out. And it's not the images that are actually sick. It's the implication of what happened that is truly sick. I've never left a movie, and walked away so disgusted and in disbelief before. But yet this is the movie that grossed millions becos of the brilliant plot twists and all. It's not your ususal horror killer show. It's something different, made only with a budget of few thousand dollars. I guess you can call it arthouse horror. And it's truly sublime horror. The script writers are real sadists. Just check it's review, I'm pretty sure you'll get the general gist of it. I don't even want to describe it here. It's too sick. House of Wax seems like a comedy compared to this one. Right now, I kinda worry about the psychological effect this will have on me. If you're brave and you think you can take it. Watch it, cos the story is really brilliant. If you're squeamish and prefer to live in dreamland. Stay away from this movie.

Study? Yet again, I didn't acccomplish anything. And I ask myself what the hell are you doing? There's no direction now, no focus, no drive or even urgency. Only like 4-5 months left and I'm still in holiday mode of last year. I wonder when I'll get serious enough. I wish I could get serious, now that softball is behind me. I have to be a mugger.

Oh well, guess I'll study later. Too many things have happened which complicate my psyche now. And I'm not just talking about the softball screw-up. In fact, I just want to forget it TOTALLY.

Don't want to go for prize ceremony next wednesday. And see what rightfully belongs to us go to R J. Or see some softballers (whom I used to admire) claim their prizes when they are now lower than dirt in my eyes.

Don't want to have to write up that speech, and explain to the whole school how we are actually third but are fourth in ranking due to somebody's cock-up.

Don't even want to have prize giving ceremony at parade square, and show the school medals that aren't reflective of our achievement.

Don't want to talk about it ever.

In the past, maybe even now, people used to look down on N J softball. And here was a chance for us to prove them wrong. Oh, how much I wanted to prove them wrong! Never mind, all I could do now is work on the revenge. Hopefully the juniors can bring to fruition what we started out to achieve. Next year . . .

Everything's caving in everywhere from all sides. And yet here I still have to fulfill the never-ending avalanche of work/study. Don't you just hate it sometimes? How you never ever have time to do anything properly? Okay, I'm getting nowhere and just rambling about. Its 2 am in the morning. I've never blogged this late before.

Only thing that keeps me going now is the thought that my movies have officially arrived. And I'm gonna be watching them soon.

-----

Please lord, show me the light at the end of this tunnel. I need something constant to hold on to. . . I wish someone could hug me.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Today. Was not suppopsed to end like that. IT WAS NOT!!! How can R J C beat H C? Unless H C threw away their game out of complacency/indifference of cos!

This is mine. This is ours. Who are you to casually treat it like it's nothing? Just because it's not your medal at stake, it's not your ranking at stake? You can just throw the game away and not even bother? FUCK YOU HWA CHONG. Even one of your teammates said it right," Eh what's this? You call this softball?" Just because you lost your damn championship, you don't go throwing away other people's dreams and what they've strived so hard to achieve.

This is not meant to be.

This hurts so bad. Cuts so deep. Becos of the freaking fact that I didn't get 4th placing becos of my own team's mistake, but becos of other team's mistakes. THIS IS SO FUCKING NOT MEANT TO BE!!! You know, this makes me feel that all that I've done in that R J C match was for nothing. FOR NOTHING. And yet, that match was arguably my personal best performance this year. What fucking use did it serve now? Why do I run so hard for what? Go for every ball with all that I have for what? Why bother doing blind-catches? Let the fucking ball drop! Cos even if I caught it. Even if I hit 10,000 home runs or do whatever shit. IT DOES NOT MAKE A DIFFERENCE NOW!! You don't take away what I've worked so hard for just like that. You don't bloody pull the carpet under people's feet like that. Some people, heh, some of my teammates even, tell me that,' never mind lah . . . life's like that la. Forget it lah . .". YOU don't tell me to fucking forget it. Cos you weren't the one who was slogging out there in the field. YOU weren't the one who had to fight that mental battle, put yourself out against adversity, go against all odds. Shut up. Who are you to say? When you don't even know what the feeling is like? I wanted this so much. SO fucking much. Definitely more so than you. So don't tell me how I should feel now.

It's just like how some stupid people, can sometimes tell others who have had their valuables stolen, that 'everything will be alright la, never mind la'. I'm like, you don't even know what it feels like to lose. So shut up. Don't tell me how I should feel right now. Not especially since this is my last year for softball. And most likely my last chance to get a proper sports achievement/medal. I do NOT consider 4th anywhere near achievement, especially since I know how much this team can achieve. And we fucking did achieve it fair and square. Just that some complacent ex-champs had to spoil the party for us.

We bought flowers for coach and teachers today. We thought there'll be prize giving ceremony. Apparently there was none. And worse of all, after watching that fucked up match between H C and R J, I was in no mood to give them. F U C K.

I didn't come to R J C four FUCKING times, just to play such a tough game and beat them at it, and then to realise that it doesn't matter in the end after all . . . Nothing matters at all. We could've walked-over, we could've let ourselves get thrashed, we could just not bother. . . And the sad thing is, doing all these doesn't make a difference. The end result will still be the same even if we had played hard. You don't bring me up one moment, and then slam me down on the ground like that the next. Nearly broke down and cried today at the field. I did scream alot though. In anger or sorrow, I'm not sure. The feeling is just too painful. I guess you can't ever understand this anger I feel. How could you know, what it is like? To come up from 5th ranking last year and have the potential (heck we actually achieved it) to get 3rd? Do you know how much this means to us? To me? This is my last chance . . . and we went against all odds . . . This was FUCKING MEANT TO BE OURS!! I feel like strangling the H C softballers. Don't you even feel ashamed of yourself? And your own performance? How come N J can beat R J 6-5, and you lose to them 10-4? This is obviously a total fluke. Bastards. Maybe you do deserve to lose your championship.

Things are never in our hands. Never. When you think something will be solid and constant and guranteed for you. Think again.

I am going to be really down for a few days. And I don't give a damn. Some one slap me hard please.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Today.

Was not an actual day. It was more like a period of transition, from the beauty of yesterday (when time stood still and heaven cast its rays of glory down upon us), to the culmination of dreams tomorrow. It didn't feel like a day at all. No. All I could think of was backwards and forwards. The past and the future (tomorrow). So many people know already. The teachers. Even Mr Lee knew. There was an eternal grin plastered to my face. And manda was calling every softballer 'beautiful'/'pretty' in the morning. Haha, when we three softballers of 08 came together for assembly, it was so obvious we were gonna talk about it. D-U-H! Oh goodness, I cannot get over it. So cannot get over. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think we would actually achieve third this year. Lessons? What lessons? All I could see were softballs bouncing in front of my head. The R J C field. The game. The movements. Good and bad. The screaming the cheering the tension the mental battle the . . . feeling of

Victory.

Oh lovely. So lovely. Today is nothing but a transition period to tomorrow.

Did have some fun after school today though. I'm scared shitless now, and my ankles feel rather weak. But right now, I officially love Subway's oven roasted chicken breast! Just gotta get past tonight and not think of sharp objects.

Tomorrow! Gonna have our Swensons treat by Coach. But most importantly, I can finally wrap my arms around the long awaited trophy . . . . Oh god oh god! I'm foaming at the mouth just thinking about this!

Monday, May 09, 2005

The Wounded Healer.


---------------



I've just discovered something.

Reverand Yap, who is the pastor that helped set up FCC, was made physically handicapped from the torture of drunk japanese military police in WW2. That's how old he is. And the thing that really astounds me, is how, at his age, he still commands this rich baritone deep voice. And how he actually believes that it's ok to be gay, even when he came from an era whereby homosexuality is even more despised upon. It wouldn't be unusual if the pastor of FCC was some young, modern pastor. It would be understandable that the young man would accept this, cos the older generation seems less likely to. But here's the real wonder of it all. The man who set up FCC, and was willing to accept gays openly, was a man from the older generation. I have no idea how he came to have this ephiphany, in the even more homophobic environment of the past. But I believe God has a plan for him. And a beautiful one at that. He is the reason why I have a church I can worship in without prejudice today. And the wonderful, wonderful gay friends and people I've met, who has shown me that I am not alone in this walk. That no matter how difficult the odds, there is still something for me to push on for, something for me to fall back on.

The wounded healer. In a way, by serving the gay community, he has stuck his neck out and probably faced derision from fellow christians (I would rather call these people 'christians') and pastors. And when people ask him why he chose to serve the gay community and this is what he said,

Some may wonder whether I am a masochist or having a martyr complex, of doing something exceptional just to draw attention. None of that. There is nothing heroic or dramatic in what I am doing. To me it is normal and what is expected from my ministry as I strive to be faithful in my calling. I have a simple and honest answer. I was privileged to be able to develop a theology of who God is and God's relation to Creation, who Christ is and what following Christ means today and it is just a natural movement for me to identify with the rejected and oppressed gay community in this moment of history. It is from my perspective an area of need that I am to assist. Psychologically and physically I have also been wounded and feel and know what it means to be sidelined from active physical activity that most of you will take for granted. I have been wounded for sixty years. I am just trying very hard to be a Wounded Healer.

In his physical wounds, he identified with the emotional wounds of gay people. Wounds inflicted by those who think themselves 'right' and therefore able to judge! But he is not the only one . . . There was once he preached at another church, and the resident pastor, in his introduction of Rev Yap, mentioned that he was a pastor of the FCC, the all-inclusive church. And in a way, he revealed that the pastor preaching the sermon today was a pastor for gay people, and in this same manner, shown his support for Rev Yap and what he was doing. There are other pastors out there who believe that gay is okay too. And how brave this pastor was for openly showing his support/approval of Rev Yap.

I'm amazed too, with Eileena, and how she single-handedly set up R E D queen, the only lesbian group in S'pore, during the time when there was absolutely nothing. Absolutely no support group or refuge for gay women in S'pore. And the others who have stepped out of the closet, and welcomed me into their fold with open arms.

Everyday, I learn more and more astounding things about the people around me. The people that made my life so much easier, in the struggles that they have gone through, in doing and fighting for that which they believe in. I don't know, but they've made my life so much happier. So much more stable. Just when things seemed like it's about to fall apart, and I was really gonna go crazy. I had the blessing to be able to meet the right people at the right time. Hopefully, I can be like them too. With my own experience, I know what it feels like. Maybe I can really help others just as they did.

Maybe I can be a wounded healer too. Just like them.

Yay.

That is a major understatement. Here I am sitting with my feet on terra firma, but my head is still in the clouds. Still in the game. The sweet, sweet moments of the game. And especially the ending. When we came together at the pitching circle, screaming and jumping, with the knowledge that this is it. This is final. We have done it and it's over. The feeling is so so good. And then we came back to the dugout, happy and bursting with joy, and we showed it openly. I don't think the team has ever felt this happy.

And it was Coach's birthday. Today.

I think we gave him the best birthday present ever, by beating rjc and getting third. We sang him a birthday song right after. And we were so happy about it. Even I saw Ms ling and Tong jump up from the bench when the game was well and truly over. I wasn't sure if we could do it. Cos we were evenly matched skill to skill. The game could've gone either way. But I didn't want to think about losing. Didn't dare think so. And at the bottom of the last inning, I knew just how very close we were to the end, how close to winning we were. But we had to hold them down in this last final push. I had to drive out thoughts of the end result and try to concentrate. That was hell difficult in a high pressure game situation like this. It's true, softball is a mental game. We fight the battle in our heads.

And the feeling is so so good. For me to be the one to end the game. With arguably one of the toughest pop-up catches I had to make. Totally blind. The sun was in my eyes. All I could do was gauge where the ball was and follow its shadow. I wasn't sure if I could get it. But I've learned my mistake by losing this sort of pop-up in a previous game. Oh, I can't describe the feeling when I felt the ball in the glove. Totally lost control after that. Jumped and punched the air and screamed like mad. Our goal of winning is now made real.

How happy I am. Oh god, how happy. To have come so far and worked so hard, and finally the team has done it. Everybody performed so well today. Everybody played good softball today. I'm so happy . . . and so proud of this team too. And to climb up from 5th placing to be third . . . Wow. This is better than sex haha.

Today was wonderful. Sublime. And I am so happy. I think I can't say that enough, or describe this feeling to you. To win as underdogs. To kick the asses of those who beat us last year. To win cos we wanted it so much. To win cos we pulled through and won the mental battle as well.

Oh god. I love softball. For us j2s, we certainly ended things with a big bang. We still have one more game on wednesday. Even if we lose it we'd still be third. But nonetheless, we'll push and fight hard, cos morale is so high now. And it's what we've always been doing anyway.

I don't think I'll ever forget this day. Cos we made history today. No one would look down on N J softball again. Or think that we are pushovers. We can do it.


And we have proven it.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

The mainstream National Council of Churches of Singapore has issued its statement on Tuesday following an anti-gay campaign organised by several churches objecting the change of a governmental policy that now employs gays in the civil service.

The council, which represents Anglicans, Methodists and Presbyterians, among others, called for gays to be “regarded and treated no less as persons of worth and dignity” but said that “the practice of homosexuality is clearly incompatible with the teachings of the Christian faith.”

In its statement, although the council said that homosexuals should not be discriminated against in areas such as employment, it urged the Singapore Government to maintain “its current legislation concerning homosexuality”, “its policy of not permitting the registration of homosexual societies or clubs” and “its policy of not allowing the promotion of homosexual lifestyle and activities.”

It urged Christians not to reject gay people or be homophobic or to despise them although it maintains that a gay lifestyle is “sinful and unacceptable.”

In a press release issued by Eileena Lee and Kelvin Wong, President and Vice-President of People Like Us’ pro-tem committee respectively, and Alex Au in their personal capacities, they questioned the sincerity of the council’s call to treat gays as persons of worth and dignity as the statement called for the continued criminalisation of gay sex.

“The call on Christians to treat homosexual persons as persons of worth and dignity is meaningless when read in conjunction with paragraph 5. The effect of that paragraph's call is to continue criminalising homosexual persons, thereby perpetuating stigma, to deny us the constitutional right to free association and to continue a censorship policy that renders us invisible and negatively stereotyped.”

The council’s statement added, that for Christians, “the only sexual relationship sanctioned by God and given as a gift from God, is between a male and female within the bounds of a monogamous marriage.”

In mid July, Pastor Yang Tuck Yoong from the Cornerstone Community Church started an online campaign urged Christians to make a stand against homosexuality. In a message titled 'Don't keep silent,' which can found on his church’s website, he said: “We cannot stand idly by. Homosexuality is a sin and it is far more rampant, militant and organised then most of us actually believe it to be. The influence that the gay and lesbian bloc wields is formidable indeed. The battle lines are now drawn and it is time for the Church in Singapore to rise up and make a stand.”

Their statement claims that the council’s call on the government to maintain its current legislation criminalising gay sex among other recommendations is an attempt to impose Christian values upon non-Christians, breaches the separation of Church and State and interferes in politics which the government had previously warned against.


----from Fridae.com

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I would gladly love to grab a softball and pelt it at these people. Sometimes, when you see injustice being done in this world, it's so infuriating when you know you can't do much about it. For example, female genital mutilation in Africa. Can you imagine? How much unecessary pain and anguish they put their daughters, wives and sisters through? And the bloody, maddening feeling that there's nothing you can do in your power to help these women.

Oh well. I guess if people make such stupid comments in my face, I'll get highly tempted to fight back at them and argue. But I guess I'll do it tactfully first, and try as hard with as much patience that I can muster. If I can't take it though, I think I'll just . . . open my mouth to speak, and just then, the realisation that it is pointless to continue will dawn upon me. I will close my mouth. And walk off.

Bigots will be bigots. And I guess I've just discovered my greatest pet peeve: Bigoted hypocrites.

Nothing. And I mean nothing, Ticks me off more than such people. Like 'pastor' Yang in the article. I could shove a %&#*@ up his ass.

Ha! That's for calling us 'militant' *rolls eyeballs*

Thursday, May 05, 2005

I'm getting bored of the lesbian fiction available. There aren't many good writers, and most of it sounds quite foreign to me. What about this girl working in the office blah, or some crime fiction nonsense. Then one fine day, the magnanimous LIfestyle ran a section on Japanese manga.

And guess what?

I've discovered shouju-ai.

It's lesbian manga. My goodness, they have like manga everything. Got gay manga (shounen-ai) too, gender identity manga. Since obviously I'm not gonna spend money on manga (cos it costs a bomb to have to read through all the volumes) and since I don't even know which titles to buy. The fantastic internet has once again proven to be a life saver. =)

Here's a pretty interesting one, about teenage love. Eh? Read this S Y.

Discovered from my very useful and informative junior that L I L O is actually. . . thai. I thought she was malay at first. Hmm, I wonder what they feed the people there. The last time I went there was in 2002? To Phuket. And the girls had like perfect skin, and the boys were actually boy-band kind of cute.

And her real name is actually w a r i t a. I also found more pictures last night! Blogs and friendster are my best friends now. Okay okay, elsa, must seriously stop indulging in girl-gazing. Heh, its a wonderful feeling to be able to love freely. Can't let it build up into a crush and let it consume me though. But then again, while I am it . . .

W a r i t a is wasabi hot!

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

R J C match is postponed again! Like, what the hell . . . Never mind though, got to watch the H C vs V J match. Was quite sad for H C lah. But anyway, who cares? When there are some cute H C softballers there haha . . .

Monday, May 02, 2005

How is it that you can so easily identify someone who has been overseas? How easily they stand out from the crowd? Is it the way they speak? Carry themselves? With an air of worldliness I find. I guess the value of an overseas education, is that it leaves an imprint on a person's character and mannerisms. And most times, they become more developed and I don't know . . . just different. Well that much applies to the GLBT people I've met who have gone the road less travelled. And what a priviledge they've had! It's no small matter either, that they lament the 'closeted-ness' of the gay scene in S'pore, when it's so open in big citites. We're still light years behind countries like France and cities like New York, when it comes to being open. How they can stroll down Madison Avenue holding hands with their lovers, and no one bats an eyelid. And that almost all universities have GLBT groups. But then again, there's also the downside of the expression of homophobia being more violent. There's no violence (I think) against gays in S'pore. But that happens overseas.

Ah heck it. University? I'll have a chance to be totally out then. And I don't give a shit if you refuse to be my new friend cos you can't accept me. I'll also make doubly sure that my closest friends and people I hang out with are gonna be people that are more open-minded towards such things. Don't need Bibles shoved in my face again, that's for sure. But I'm sure university will be much better. =) Yep, gotta be optimistic! Learn from your lessons. I can't let the past repeat itself again.


But that still leaves me with the softball problem. How am I gonna continue my passion in uni? Yes, I can always start up softball in S M U. But it's not gonna be easy, seeing how ying tried (so hard) and failed, in A C J C. Maybe I can join a softball club, but it's ultra competitive. I could get in, but hmmm, may not get to play as often as I want to. Either way, I'll have to find a way to continues this sport. It's a waste to play for only 2 years! And then give it up, when I'm really starting to fall in love with it. Sigh . . .

Maybe I'll do my post-graduate overseas. Most definitely, if I'm doing a post-grad, I'm going overseas. And this time, at least I'll be studying something I'm interested in when I try for a scholarship again.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Someone bought me a lime green lesbian card today. Hehe, it looks so cute. It looks abit like the ipod advertisements. Black figures against a lime green background. This time, the figures are of two girls with pigtails. One gives the other a kiss and a heart floats above their union. So sweet! I absolutely love it!

It's from iprints, that shop that sells solely paper/notepad stuff in citylink. Do you know it's actually owned by a gay couple? That's why there are GLBT cards and art there. So cool! I've decided to check out their cards next time and maybe buy some. You gotta help your own kind you know? =)

Shall keep this card for the first one. When it comes, if it comes . . . No worries though. I think my life has already been mapped out and planned before I even lived it. Whatever is meant to happen, will happen. But heh, its really interesting, and somehow, poignant as well. . . that for all my childhood fantasies of what I'd be like when I grow up. . . I've never imagined myself at where I am now. And for that I guess my future is unimaginable. Nothing I 'predict' or hope for may come true.

How fascinating then, I live in a continual state of revelations. Life is beautiful? Heh, a more accurate portrayal would be . . Life is UNPREDICTABLE. Yes, I never thought I'll be this way . . . or that I actually can be who I am.

I am elsa. Through and through. And I just wanna say, that I love the way I am. Though I may still struggle and question from time to time, though I may still hate those who hurt others, though I have reservations, doubts, insecurities and all, I know I still have a long way to walk. And I know I ain't walking alone. But the best thing is . . . I know I can like girls, and accept this part of me.

L I L O is cute! Ha! So there.

YIPPEE!!! I finally bought the DVDs! Woohoo! Yes yes! I'm gonna watch my movies soon! And I'm hoping to plan a big gathering to go with it. Why keep the forbidden goods to yourself anyway? Might as well spread the joy haha! I think many people would be interested in watching them. I think.

Ah well, will have to get permission first. After all, I don't own the ppc, I can't exactly just waltz in, chuck in the CD and press 'play'. Think maybe I'll have to ask the owners, which are the A F A (action for aids) people.

Oh well, everything will work itself out in time. Just have to eat yong tau foo for a loong while so I don't burn too big a hole (in the wallet that is). Anyways . . .

12.15am.

I've just reached home. And man, it's been a looong day. I'm so dead tired. . . Haha, interesting thing to note: While going home from Dhoby Ghaut MRT today, guess who caught me admiring my reflection in the glass panels? Wong Kar Wai. Yes, that T H O M A S from gp last year. We were like whoaa, haha, when we saw each other. I let him try some of my indonesian chips, which I brought. And the sly little smarty-pants was secretive about what he was doing, out so late at night. Heheh, well I ain't telling either!

Had a really fushion kind of pot luck dinner today. There was some really classy, ethnic food, like the really really good naan with some meat gravy. There was also satay, potong (?), chicken wings, fried noodles, salad, sardine rolls, tuna and tomato sandwiches, the usual drinks, some fried meat items. But I remember the naan the most.

Then came the actual gathering. There was more people than I expected. And by people, I mean all. sorts. of. people. So many different backgrounds. Different races even. A diverse mix. Some of the church lesbians were also there. Had a really interesting discussion. And the most amazing thing was . . there was no such thing as a taboo topic, when you hang around this crowd. Everything is up for discussion. Even the most so-called taboo aspects of the human sexuality, which if you ever mention in school is going to get a majorly negative response, were talked about. I kinda liked the open-ness here. It's like you don't have to pretend that you are a saint or 'pure' person, which truly you aren't at all in your thoughts and sometimes actions (I mean, like which girl in school will admit to having sexual fantasies? You have it, you know yourself, but to act 'chaste' in front of your classmates, you'd lie about it. Wouldn't you? And those who bravely admit the truth get slammed as being 'disgusting'. What bullshit. This is a normal aspect of your hormones and development. Get real). I can't stand it sometimes, when people say one thing but do another. It's called acting 'holier than thou', something like a certain T I T U S in school seems to do. Here, the sins or whatever, are all laid bare. There's no more closet, everything's out in the open. Well then again, I guess the reason for this increased (for lack of a better word) . . honesty, and openness, is due to the fact that most people here are working adults. That adolescent age of pretense and fitting in, has long gone past.

Tomorrow! Can't wait, will be getting my present yay! You should've been a girl haha! That'll be perfect then. I just hope that my darn flu relapse has been a false alarm and that my stupid ankle (which is aching in an alarming manner) will get well soon. Wednesday. That's judgement day for N J softball. I hope we do well . . no matter what the outcome.

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You are waayy too cute! Haha, can softball train at c r e s girl's school next time?
Can't get you out of my head =)