Saturday, April 30, 2005

As per normal, I am engaging in my habit of surfing for softball photos and guess what I chanced upon? Pic of c r e z softball and my two juniors! (Check out L I L O on the leftmost side. Wo0ho0!) Heheh, here's a softball family pic. Clement and his g/f looks like father and mother.

Sigh . . I love the magic of the internet!

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Ponned school today. Actually, it was pretty unnecessary but since I've committed myself to that act already. What the hell. Just go ahead. I can enjoy today then. Later in the afternoon, went to watch the Cresc vs T K G S softball 'B' div finals at turf city, with HM and some juniors. Wow~! What a nice match dude! And what a really sad loss as well. Score was 5-4. T K G S won. And at the bottom of the last inning, Cresc was batting with bases loaded and the score at 5-4. With 2 down, the batter made a good hit to third base, who fielded the ball and threw home. Last out was a tag-out at home. How utterly sad . . . They must be so disappointed. And I'm positive that there was tears later. They put up a good fight, even up till the end.

Haha, there was something really comical too, the way coach Clement literally clawed his own face when one of the girls got struck out again. You should've seen it haha! He spun 180 degrees on the balls of his heels and the head was thrown backwards in disgust. So drama haha. It's quite true to say that coaches sometimes provide the amusement in a softball game.

Must say the pitch at turf city is entirely made of soft sand. So no hard grounders there. And everytime somebody dives or fields the ball, there will be a mini-sandstorm. Nice visual effect there =) And the players all look very cool in their smart jerseys and visors. But after watching the whole match, there's one thing definite about the C r e s c team . . .

. . . the girls are soooo cute!!! Oh my god, I am hyperventilating here. Just picture me fanning myself with my hand. It was unreal! They are really sooo preettyy arggghh! I couldn't keep my eyes off the infield. And they were all so lady-like. With long hair, legs and played pretty much like girls. I think I mentioned a L I L O before, and yes, arguably, this one is the cutest. Plus her hair was very cool, with the bangs falling all over the visor. So beautiful. OMG. Another 'push' factor for me to drag my crampy and pms-sy self to watch the match, was the chance to see L I L O cutie again. Pitcher/Captain's not bad looking as well, although I would said she looked more 'handsome' than chio. Third base also not bad. And the reserves looked nice as well. Not much can be said about their juniors though. The senior team is like gifted in the looks department or something. Seriously man, so many pretty girls, so little eyes to look at all. Is it just me, or does it seem that I have this like lolita thing going on? The fact that they are like so young, only 15-16, makes them so much more appealing, as if they are so full of . . . potential. Or something. Heartbreakers, I bet they are. Many a junior must idolise them I bet. Not surprising since c r e s c is like dyke country number 2, after the C H I J convents.

On the other hand. You have the man-nish and brutish T K G S girls, who were all big and puffy, compared to their slender opponents. Yes the word is slender, most of them were so slim! And they looked absolutely fab in slacks. I haven't seen a better-looking softball team. Of all the teams we've played with, this team is the cutest, followed by N T U. Oh but N T U doesn't even begin to compare . . . Wooh! So much eye candy today. Makes me wish I was in c r e s c softball haha!

But I think that there was something absolutely sweet about the way the c r e s c girls encourage each other. They wouldn't just shout out generic encouragement from the bench when their teammate is up to bat. That's what we do in N J softball. Just scream out nice words to urge each other on, safe in the knowledge that we aren't the ones having to face the firing squad. But they go up individually, right next to the person, and whisper (!) really tender and sincere words of encouragement to her ears. They would pat their friend on the back and smile so believingly. It was as though they truly believed and had faith in each other. It spoke to me of a bond that goes deeper and beyond team spirit. But was instead a bond of friendship, borne out of hardship and a common goal. It was utterly sweet, the way they try to take the pressure and tension away from their teammate. And the genuine closeness that shined through.

I thought it was such a beautiful thing.

Then again, maybe it was one pair of best friends that I happened to see. (not the L I L O and S T I T C H pair though). Or more likely, since I'm heavily biased towards a certain kind of love, the sight of two pretty girls being touchy-feely and sweet with each other, is more than likely to get positive attention from me.

But I'd like to live in the illusion that the girls were truly that sweet and caring to one another =).

Coach was there too and so was tong, along with a whole bunch of coaches from other schools and national players. I left after the match though as it'll be pretty weird for me to just stand around and gawk some more at softballers. Some V J C girls came to watch their juniors too.

Another day spent loving softball (and its players) more and more! I love me softball~! What's not to like about it? Though some people may not understand the game or worse, think it's stupid, they can live in their sad deprived non-softball world for all I care! Hmmph!

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Hmm, funny thing. In the past, I couldn't really stand it when girls start gushing about guys or act guy crazy by going, 'he's so cutteee!'. Man I couldn't stand that. And I thought the reason for my disgust was the fact that the girls seem to be bimbotic. But then again, when I think harder now, it's more likely to do with the underlying reason that I couldn't share their amazement. Couldn't really understand it. And I hated the fact that they could feel this way about guys, when I myself couldn't seem to see anything 'cute' about a particular guy. I didn't like the feeling of being left out. So I hated the subject matter.

Well, look who's the bimbo now? Hmm. Ah well, not so bimbo exactly cos I'm gushing to myself right now. And maybe to S Y too? Girl, you should've been there today man. You'd enjoy it as much as I did =)

Match yesterday against T P J C. We won. 9-8. All I can say is phew! That was scary dude. But somehow, I'm quite neutral to it right now. Not feeling particularly happy, just . . . glad . . . relieved. Cos I know if we lost this one I'll bang my head against the wall. Need to work on alot of skills for the next game. Oh well, 1 down girls, 2 more to go!

Hmm, life's been pretty interesting and busy lately. There's so many things to do but so little time! Which is why I should try as hell to spent every free moment in N J finishing up all that homework when there are encyclopedias, dictionaries and references (in the form of nana, PS, WT and basically everyone else!) . . . all around me. Come home and do myself? Die. Get stuck and cannot continue. And I wanna read my books too! Haven't had much time lately.

Went to meet the S M U ex- and current students on Tuesday. While waiting for them at Amara Hotel Lobby, I was so scared I'll be chased out by the security guards cos I was in repulsive N J uniform (sure to scare away the tourists). Plus there wasn't the concrete walls/floor of N J C for the grey me to blend in and camouflage. I felt so weird amongst the tai-tais in chi-chi dresssing.


First and foremost, before anyone chooses to go to a certain university. You must look at a few criteria. What attracts you about this university? What about it is reflective of your personality that you choose to go there? What points/criteria are you gonna consider when choosing your university? Cos choosing your uni is as important as choosing your degree. Remember people, this is gonna be FOUR years of your life. So it's good that you start your soul-searching now. Don't regret things later. Though you can change your degree. I think it's much harder to change your university! Therefore, since I've had a little head start. Here's something for . . .

All those interested in going to S M U (or university for that matter). Read here!

I found out lots of things about universities and cleared some misconceptions too. If we think uni is gonna be more relaxing than JC. Think again. It'll be relaxing for you if you only aim for mediocrity. But if you wanna make it big time, then you'll really have to work at it. That's why you gotta choose your degree very carefully and know exactly what it is you want to do. Or else you'll just study for the sake of studying . . . then that will be like JC. Don't repeat it. Or worse, you choose to change your degree 6 months down the road. That's half a year wasted already. S M U students tend to be busier than say, N U S or N T U cos there's lots of projects (but they're fun!, they say). And S M U is based on the american system, a pyramid-style of learning, whereby you learn a broad range of fundamental modules first, before specialising deeper and more specifically into your degree. That's why it's a pyramid you see? Before I continue, let me explain the difference between a major and a degree. A degree is your bachalor of economics or business etc. A major is what you learn for your degree. For example, you choose to major in two topics, e.g. law and finance, in your business degree.

For N U S and N T U, it's a 'block' style learning. Whereby once you step in, you learn things exclusive to your major only. Unlike in S M U where you're exposed to more different things first for a more all-rounded education. There is a compulsory community service project that you have to do and you also have to complete 80 hours of community service, cos of S M U's emphasis on community work. But I don't really mind that really, cos I have a project in mind. The only trouble is if they will approve of it.

Concerning internships, things are more independent at S M U. At the other unis, they'll just pluck you and put you into whichever firm have internships. That means you don't get to choose which firm to work for and internships are handed on a platter to you, like grapes. HOWEVER, at S M U, internships are compulsory. BUT, you search/choose the firms your ownself. You have to hand up a resume and go for an interview just like any other working professional. So in that way, it really prepares you for the real world. Guess what they say about S M U being more practical and less 'theory' is true.

There are also overseas attachment programmes lasting for a semester (3-4 months). I heard that for business, people can go for 2 attachments (or more than that they're not sure). And becos it's based on the american system, it'll be suitable for an S M U student to go to an american university (!), which is where I wanted to go in the first place. For universities in Korea, Japan or the UK, it's based on the British system. So it'll be a different experience if you choose to go there for attachments.

In S M U, they don't have lectures, unlike N T U. Instead they have seminars, consisting of 30-40 students, and participation in class discussions is compulsory. Cos it'll actually be part of your marking grade. Therefore, when you comment in class, make sure it is constructive and of value. Do not give d-u-h kind of comments. Professors will tolerate that in year 1. But in year 3, 4, they'll just tell you outright to shut up. By the way, in S M U, the marking criteria is NOT standardised. That means your exam papers, percentage weightage of your scores in various departments all vary. For the same subject, you'll be taking different tests, quizzes, exams, lecture notes, under different profs. You can only benchmark your final score, with the scores of other students with the same profs. You can also tell how senior/experienced a prof is by the way they mark your grades. High weightage (e.g. 20%) of participation in your final grade? Senior prof. High weightage of attendance in classes? Newbie prof.

This brings me to another defining and different aspect of S M U. In S M U, you'll be bidding for your modules with e-dollars that each student is given every semester. Why bid? Well, the purpose of bidding is to get yourself a good prof. Say for example this module is very important for you, you'll bid alot on it. One module has different profs teaching it. So you can tell which prof is popular/good by seeing how high the bids for him/her are. This system is supposed to introduce/ teach to students the concept of bidding, saving, thrift, finance and most importantly prioritising. There are students who run out of e-dollars after bidding, and they actually have to wait for another semester before they are given new cash to bid. Thus, time is wasted. And note: you must complete all your modules before you can graduate. So use your e-dollars wisely.

In uni, students and profs are closer and more casual with each other. Some profs are actually addressed on a first name basis. And they also take part in intra-varsity games etc. Other comments I heard, "There is a big international community in S M U", "S M U girls are pretty" :D. Also, they'll be moving to the new campus this july, and I heard that it's big. So when I get there next year, everything will be new! Can you imagine? Fresh toilets . . . well, relatively fresh. And you can be sure we won't be seeing the kind of structural and lighting defects that we see in N J.


The S M U library section on law is now comparable to the N U S law library. So if you intend to study law, it's not a bad idea to consider S M U as well. Also, on the issue of firms hiring undergraduate students before their graduation, Citibank likes to hire S M U students. So prospective bankers, please form an orderly queue to S M U here . . .

Yep, this is what I've learnt from 1.5 hours plus of talking. First-hand information. Have to thank mrs tan for the contacts she gave me. And also, when I step into S M U next year, I'll already know a senior to show me around =)

Monday, April 25, 2005

V J C 9-1. Their favour. Not bad actually, I think we played pretty hard, fielding-wise today. But with the exception of YW, our batting seriously needs a major face-lift. MAJORLY. Sigh . . . nevermind really, we just need to keep up the good spirits and morale. I'm loving my s o f t b a l l more and more each passing day! But the horrendous sun and dirt and sweat is not doing wonders for my hygiene and blah. The only thing that sucks about sports is the 'dirty-ness' you feel.

Anyway, shall cut hair at orchard and meet the S M U lady tomorrow. And may the parents come back soon and in time for our J J C match at turf city, so I may use the swanky new Sony digi-camera and snap! away at my beloved team!

Sunday, April 24, 2005

There are four HUGE, brilliantly red roses hanging upside down on my window sill. They're so pretty.

Yesterday, was the first (I think) celebration of a gay life partnership in S'pore. It was as close as you can get to a gay marridge, but since S'pore doesn't allow that, it's called a life partnership then. It was held at CHIJMES, and most of the church people were invited. As it was a formal event, I heard that even the butchy ladies dressed up in gowns. Haha, Mark said they went in drag! Some couldn't even be recognised (sounds like graduation night deja vu), and lots spent a bomb to dress up for the event. And the next day in church, they displayed flowers from the ceremony along the aisle. That's where my four roses came from (initially, the roses came from my hair. Cos the gay guys thought it'll look pretty if they stuck it all over through my ponytail. Haha, you should've seen the sight: Four grown men fussing over a babydyke's hair, sticking big roses and making a slight mess of her immacutelately tied hair. We took photos of it later, and I was 'urged' to go down to the foodcourt with the flowers stuck on my head.)

Met a . . . (surprise, surprise) . . . S C G S lesbian at PPC on saturday. Cool huh? My school leh . . . and found out that An n- m a r i e is actually one as well. Man, I didn't know at all! To think this was someone I saw since Pri school, though I didn't know her very well. Later, me, x and Jeremy trawled all the way to Lavendar for dinner, where we pigged and talk about stuff which would shock the hair out of anyone who reads it (therefore it can't be published).

=) I'm starting to really enjoy the company of those around me. And it seems like though we've only met less than 10 times, we're starting to form some genuine friendships. Cos when we're together, all we talk about is ourselves, our lives. We're discovering new and deeper things about people all the time. During dinner in the foodcourt, we were suddenly delving into an actual debate on beasteality, and where acceptance ends and morality begins. No talk of homework. No softball. No school. No gossip of other people. All these are trivial stuff and nothing that will form the basis of real friendships. There is no inane, useless, (sometimes shallow) 'classmate' chi-chat that occurs alot in school. Though I may see some people almost 24/7, but how much do I really know about them? Zilch. And also, how often do we exchange opinions about certain issues, such as enthunasia or terrorism or politics or religion? Almost zilch as well. You know, a person only truly becomes real to me when I can see that he/she has an opinion on a certain subject, or show signs of being a 'thinker'. From this, you can discern slightly, a person's character and their way of seeing the world. If not, my understanding of them is that of a cookie cutter object/student, cos I can't tell if they have an opinion or not!

But there's one thing that bothers me though . . . And it's this double life that I seem to be leading. On the weekdays, I'm in the straight world. On weekends, I live in the gay world, where I don't hide at all. Sometimes, it can be really polarising. Cos I find it hard to tell others about what's going on in my life. How do I say? When most, actually all, the things that occur to me outside school have got something to do with homosexuality or at least gay people? I know they'll probably feel awkward about talking about such subjects, or have no idea about what to comment. I really do want to bridge that gap between my gay life outside and the straight world of my friends. But how can I do that when I don't know what they would think of my gay friends?

It's like, heheh, most people don't really know what's truly going on in elsa's life right now, after the toilet incident and all that. And neither do I know what's going on in other people's life. It's as though we only talk about ourselves when the need arises. When a crisis occurs or something major happens to one of us personally. Other than that, we are just classmates. Just classmates it seems. Although it may seem obvious that after all that we've gone through together, we should at least be closer. But contrary to that, we aren't truly closer. The reality of things is that things, seem no different to me. They are the same as those classmates who weren't part of the five. And more importantly, the fact that I know they most probably don't approve of what I'm doing, makes it all the harder to let them know more about me. Plus, if you outright tell me not to talk about homosexuality, that's shutting the door towards bringing our friendship further. How can we be truly friends, if one of the biggest part of my life is a taboo topic that I can't speak about? Other youth on the internet have just told me I should go find new friends. Friends who won't mind me talking about gay stuff. In fact, right now it seems that I spend my time more with those who don't have a clue at all about what's going on. Or who aren't directly involved but know about me. Friendships are easier this way.

But sometimes, I really wish to share with others what it's like to be in my world (and especially the people in it). Then maybe you'll see that it's not so bad after all, cos people are all ordinary. There's no big difference really.


In some ways, I am once again the island I was in S C G S. Solitary at sea.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Yay! Finally played a little softball today. Though I didn't get to play in the match (by order of teacher due to my ankle), at least I managed to tou tou hit some balls and play throw-catch.

Score 7-1, to H C I. But nevermind lah, it was a good game and people were on a rolll with regards to batting! Yay, we are reaching greater heights and it's so heartening to see N J softball turn 180 degrees from underdogs, to a super team to be reckoned with! Yes, things will change from this year onwards. I can just feel it in the air. Am really blessed to be in this team and for all the teammates I have. We are so bonded this time!

I love me softball. And I get to play properly for the first time tomorrow in 5 days!

N J! WHACK IT OUT!!!

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Is Alfian Sa'at gay?

Wow . . . Interesting . .

Monday, April 18, 2005

This, is interesting.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

I. Feel. Like. Shit.

This throat, has been scratchy since the Red Sea parted and Moses walked on seabed. I am officially dying here, and has been since Thursday. Haven't done anything with regards to school or anything even remotely constructive at all. The most I've done so far . . is sleep. Am not going to school on Monday either. Things seem to be getting worse.

I hate being sick.

Once I'm better, I'm gonna live such a hedonistic lifestyle of debauchery, and just truly enjoy my moments of being 'healthy'. Do all the things that I've been missing while sick (homework does not count).

I shall stop here.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

My beloved snow-white Mizuno softball. . .

. . . is such a thing of beauty.

Today, feeling bored and the effects of softball withdrawal symptoms, I began to twirl and flip it about. It's really amazing how spherical it is and how smooth and pure white. Right from the start, I didn't want to soil it's 'chastity' with the crude, unworthy ink of a marker, and make a stamp of ownership on it's ivory white body. No. My dear baby shall remain looking as untouched as when it was first brutally ripped out from its plastic packaging. Although I did think about marking it at first, I quickly banished that perverse thought. Right now, it's one of my most prized paper weights. And it has effectively replaced the minature basketballs as my plaything of choice.

Yes. A brand new softball is a pretty little ball. Much better-looking than the crap that we bludgeon about during training (and frequently lose). How nice (and smooth) it feels when it fits perfectly in my small little hand, how like a toy it seems. I prefer it to the Diamond softballs as the outer leather covering is much softer, and cushioned. Diamond balls can be soo hard sometimes. And also, the ridges of the stitches are more prominent here, making for better grip and friction when throwing. Do you know that there are like maybe 4 or more different ways to grip a softball? Just for throwing? And I think there's a few more for pitching. Some of the grips few downright weird, especially the knuckle grip. But then again, I don't think you have the slightest idea what I'm talking about.

Okay, psychotic self-talk aside. I guess you gotta love softball as much as I do, to understand the jargon/rubbish I am vomitting out now. There are many signs which point towards my mania for the sport. For example, I'm the only person, who when waiting for the rain to stop before training, will pester some teammate to 'toss ball' with me at the grandstand. And mind you, it's just tossing a ball back and forth at a distance of 1 meter between. I just want to feel the caress of the softball as it leaves my fingertips during a toss (okay, that sounds abit, *ahem*). I will even do that at busstops after training, when we wait for the bus to bring us to the makan destination. Lastly, I will do that at home. With myself. Since no family member, of sound mind, would rightfully do that with me. I think you can also see that I'm getting quite edgy, being M.I.A. for so long. Shall make mental note to go back to my usual posts about gay activism and, trials and tribulations of being crooked.

But then again, isn't softball a major lesbian stereotype anyway? (read previous article posted) Haha. Okay, elsa, so not funny.

"This people honor Me with their lips, But their heart is far from Me. And in vain they worship Me, Teaching as doctrines the commandments of men." (Mark 6:36)

There are many GLBT people (who aren't christians), who hate christians (and hence will stay far far away from God). because of ill-informed, misinterpreted things that christians say. Frankly, I'm not surprised by this sad reality. For I myself find it hard to feel 'compassion' for fellow christians who intrude upon the personal lives of others. What I do in my own private life is between me and God. And no one else. What's most ugly is when christians, hurt and oppress other fellow christians with their 'gay bashing'. One of the cell group leaders came to the pulpit one day, and with a quivering voice and tears in her eyes, spoke of how she was treated by other fellow christians (and denied the permit for orgainising a charity walk I think), because of her sexuality. Can you imagine that? All she wanted was to do her part for charity! Just becos she wanted to register under the church's name. It's saying as though gay people are not fit to do charity.

If I tried to bring a GLBT person to God one day, and they refuse vehemently, I can't blame them for the loathing that they feel. Cos most of the time, the biggest and worse homophobia, comes from christians themselves. Non-christian gays' impression of God and the faith is already one which is tainted by God's (blind in my opinion) followers, but then, not all christians are like that. However, God to them seems like an oppressor already. Someone who condemns them for their 'sins' and thus should 'burn in hell'. This also makes it hard for gay christians to reconcile their faith when all they meet sometimes are bigots from mainstream churches.

I'm quite thankful that most (and I use the word, 'most' not 'all') of my christian friends at least have the decency to respect my privacy, and the life I choose to live. Cos I don't go around promoting the so-called gay lifestyle to them anyway, neither do they promote the straight one to me. And for that I am mighty glad! But it can get ugly when people shove 'conveniently chosen' Bible passages in your face to justify themselves, without reading it in proper context or the passages that come before or after.

Thus, I have decided upon this protocol or SOP (standard operating procedure) when it comes to dealing with bigots. I will only allow for 3 exchanges of words between us and if things don't seem to be getting anywhere, I would just shove a hand in their face and tell them to . . . f*ck off. Haha no lah, I'll just tell them to 'talk to the hand'. And then, I will leave.

Bigots will be bigots, no point wasting my breath on them. I'd rather invest my energies in setting up a GLBT youth group in S'pore.

I wanna watch this movie! Gaahh! And Mischa Barton is cute : D

Friday, April 15, 2005

Haha, this is superrr funny! Hope readers will enjoy it too!

I feel absolutely terrible. Flu damn hell sucks. Today, I spent 3/4 of my time just lying in bed and stoning/sleeping, to get my mind off the discomfort. Gosh, I rrrreeeaaalllly hate the damn flu! It's worse than the ankle sprain. And sigh . . . talking about the sprain, I'm on some 12 day no sports doctor's order (which I'm most likely gonna break anyway) and I most defintiely can't play on Monday cos it's too close. Don't plan to leave the house at all this weekend. Am just gonna stay home and stone (I'm not even gonna bother doing work).

Sigh . . . I've not been sick at all since the start of the year and then suddenly, BOOM! Everything happens at once . . Ah well, at least I 'killed two birds with one stone'.

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Interesting occurence today: Went for the X-ray at a polyclinic and guess who appeared out of the doorway as the resident radiographer? J I L L from church. Instant recognition hit both of us, but I think we concealed it pretty well. When my back was turned to my mother, I motioned a finger to my lips and wisely, she didn't make any sign to show she saw something. Haha, what a coincidence eh? When I went into the x-ray room without my mother, then we could stop pretending. Hmm, it's a really small world isn't it? Or rather, there are really GLBT people all around us. Just that we can't tell straight from crooked. Cos everyone else is basically the same! They could be your neighbour, your nurse, your teacher, your pet (haha), your daughter, your uncle, and in my case . . my radiographer. Though it may seem that the GLBT community in S'pore is very small, that's becos those that are public about it are a pitiful few. Most of them are still hiding in the closet.

But I don't think that will stay true for long.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Here in this article, is pretty much in essence of what it feels like to be me. Sometimes I wish others would just be a little kinder to their fellow human beings. . . If ever, anyone in N J who finds out that I'm les (or already knows and pushes the issue further) and makes a degratory comment about me and keeps grinding that axe. Do not doubt for one moment that I would walk up to the bitch or bastard and give them a tight slap across their face. Being a sportsman, I believe I can inflict a respectable amount of pain.

Oh well, at least I survived. And can live to tell the tale!

This sucks. My ankle still hurts. I can't walk properly without severly limping, and it takes me forever to get from point A to point B.

Went for physio today. Hurt as hell. At the start, I yelped every few seconds, so much that I decided I should just try to be stoic and bear with it. So I grit my teeth and held the screaming inside. Then, haha, the physiotherapist thought something was odd, cos I didn't seem to be 'in pain' when the affected spots were massaged. I went back to yelping after that. Haha, seems like they depend on audio cues from the patient besides feeling the ankle itself. But it got progressively more painful, and my free leg was so tempted to kick out.

And to make things worse. I think I'm getting a flu.

I'm like . . . wtf. I hate flu. I haven't had a single bout since the start of the year and it seems that record is about to be broken! And a sucky time at that. 2 ailments at once. I can't go to school, neither can I stay home and rest cos I have physio and x-ray test (there might be some bone chip). Worse of all, I don't think I can even go out this weekend, cos when I have flu, the whole world collapses for me. I have to stay home and tide things over before I expose myself to the 'elements'. That means no ppc or even church for me.

Well, I really hope I'm not getting a flu. Pleassseee . . . .

I'll be good, I promise.

I just found and watched the trailer to Lost and Delirious and I'm like arrghh! I wanna watch this movie haha! Man, I want! I want! And it also has Mischa Barton in it. Haha, can you imagine? The O C acttress acting in a lesbian film.

The more I read the more I keep thinking. "Yes! Yes!"

How incredibly true. How amazingly. How aptly. It just takes the words right out of my mouth . . .

I could walk along this path in life and know, that I am not alone. That there were others before me, and others that have yet to come and last but not least . . . others, who are walking alongside me. Walking with me, walking ahead, walking behind, but nevertheless, we are walking the same path. The only path we know to take.

You know when I was younger, I had this subconscious feeling that I was just a little different from everyone else. I thought this was what you call, individual uniqueness. Of cos, people can't feel the same as everyone else, cos we are all different in one way or another. But then, I realise that I was actually slightly different from whole groups of people. Not just one person, but a whole group. Ever had the feeling that you were not exactly, part of the crowd? And when I tried to 'fit in', i.e. tried to think the way that others thought. It felt foreign to me. Of cos, I loved the acceptance and approval and assurance, that I was 'just like them'. But there exists within me, a sneaking suspicion that I was only betraying myself. Everything I portrayed was only a front. But was it truly me? Was I being myself?

Is this what I really want?

Or is this what other people want for themselves? Does what other people want, necessarily what I want for myself? Would I truly be happy if I pursued their version of happiness?

For the past few months, and only very recently . . . I have taken a huge step back. And embraced, what it's like to be me. Do you have any idea, how incredibly, powerful and liberating it is, to know that you are not hiding from yourself anymore, nor will ever hide again in the future. Though I may walk this world sometimes as a seemingly 'straight' person, I gloat with the assurance inside, of knowing that I am not. And the wonderful thing is that I'm proud of it. Just as how people are secretly proud that they scored straight As on their report card, but their friends have yet to know. For me, I'm secretly proud that I am not shy, or ashamed about the things I'm feeling. Cos it's all a part of me, a defining part of me. One of the little pieces that make up the jigsaw of elsa . . . and a pretty non-conformist one at that. I have every right to love who I want, read any book I want. And I know EXACTLY WHAT I WANT.

Somehow, this has made me also more driven in other aspects of my life. My future, and what I intend to do. It has dawned upon me, that by facing up to the inner person that I am, I have discovered how to identify what I truly want vs what society wants of me. I study now cos I want to get into the university of my choice. I spend my time around mentors cos I seek their guidance. I talk to others like me and read up literature cos I want to find out more about myself. Everything I do, all of a sudden, has meaning to me. No longer am I, an aimless wonderer without goals or direction in life. How so much better off I am, I think, compared to others who have cruised through life as straight people, and becos they have yet to face (and stand up to) true adversity, they are still helpless in a way. Still wandering themselves, taking a step at a time, staring down at the path they tread and not the road ahead. That's not so bad really, everyone will find their purpose in their own time, if they are even destined to find it. What's bad and truly pathetic I think, is when they sneer and turn up their noses at the path I have taken, when their own path is shoddier than mine.

How empowering it is. To know I can grab a bull by its horns and stare down its burning red eyes, with the full belief, that nothing, nothing, can make me turn away from it in fear. And I know I can apply this to other challenging aspects of my life also. For it has taught me to stand up, when I've been beaten down! This strength, upon which I draw, has not come easily. And the journey towards it has made me all the more . . . whole. I feel more like an individual now. More a person of my own doing, rather than a follower of a community. I don't feel like cattle anymore. For I've freed myself from that chain.

I am me. And this is how I make my life to be. I am elsa through and through. Just that elsa happens to be a lesbian. And to that I say . . . SO F*CKING WHAT? =) I say this not in anger, but with a smile, for I don't care that my sexuality is different from others. I don't have to follow the crowd to find my happiness. . . You know how some people's preferred ice cream flavour is usually vanilla/chocolate? It's not often that people like other flavours like green tea or mango. But there's nothing wrong with liking those other flavours, for it hurts no one to like them. Just like how heterosexuality is not normal. It is common. There is a difference here people. It is society's xenophobia that makes people go, 'eww, how can you like black sesame? That flavour is disgusting!' Just becos something is unfamiliar and unknown to you, doesn't mean that it's wrong.



The purpose driven life. This book is about God. I think I've found my purpose, through acceptance of myself. I know that the thing that gives me the greatest pleasure, is to be able to help others find themselves, and thus this is what I want to do with my life.

And I also think . . . that somehow, somewhere, out there in the heavens, God had something to do with this.

Here's a poem I read from Annie on my mind . .



Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate;
I am the captain of my soul.

by William Ernest Henley; 1849-1903

------------

I am the captain of my soul.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Lousy day today. Had a series of unfortunate events.

First, I sprained my ankle RIGHT AFTER warm up before the match today. It was like I was gonna make my way to the pitch and proceeded to walk down some HUGE steps and then . . collapse all of a sudden onto the ground. Oh man, never felt my ankle give way like that. That hurts like hell. Well, it's still hurting now while I type. Can barely walk. And if I did, I do it with an obvious limp and wish that somehow, there would be some crutch in the house or something to lean against. This is arguably my worst sprain ever. And the angry looking swollen ankle isn't making things seem any more optimistic. Damn step! #@$!%!!! Gosh that was sooo irritating. Having to warm up and get all psyched up for the match and then realise that you came all the way for nothing and ended up with injury instead (and a pretty stupid injury at that. Would've been more glamourous if I 'fell during battle' haha, instead of 'falling off my horse while marching to the battlefield'). And to make things worse, for the whole team, it . . . rained! AGAIN! First was for the R J C match, which was postponed. Now, it's another match postponed. Every match postponed means that thus far, we have yet to play even a single game of the season.

Ah well, at least the girls got a feel of the pitcher's ball and it's speed. All except me! Who was relegated to the sidelines, where all I could do was be a basic irritant and taunt opponent batters. Today sucks. And now, I have to see a sports doctor tomorrow, and waste more money, and hopefully, the diagnosis won't be that bad. Please please let me get back to training as soon as possible! This is my sport. I want to be the best that I can be. I really do . . .

It wasn't all bad though. Met Sarah, KS, ZQ and Carol at V J C and it was such a pleasure to be able to talk to them again after not meeting for 1 and a half years! Man, I miss my sc classmates! We talked for real long and it was so good to know that even after so long apart . . we can still hold a pretty decent and heart-warming conversation about our lives now. And seeing Carol was good! It's still the same 'us' despite our lives apart in different schools now. How rare it is, to find someone who has such a great mind and way of thinking in my opinion? N J needs more people like you. But then again, you'll probably get jaded in the arts faculty there. Sigh . . . sc . . . I still think we rock in the end. How could you ever compare with any other? Sometimes, I wish they were in N J. That would be g r e a t! We must have a class reunion soon.

Life at home is getting worse. I wish to escape more. Bad things have happened and the future gets all the more bleak. Escapism. I want it. But I can't avoid reality forever. That's what's been happening and look what happened becos of it. Think positive! There is not much I can do now. At least, I think, my dilemma tomorrow has somehow resolved itself through misfortune. Since I can't train tomorrow, now, I can make it for cell! But there is always the white lie that I have to concoct, and the limp that will hinder me (knowing full well that I shouldn't aggravate it) . . .

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Yay! I found it! I found it! Trudged all the way to Woodlands Library after school today to search for Annie on my mind. It's a book about teenage love between two girls and one of the most highly recommended literature to read if you are les or bi. Someone once reviewed and said "Annie on my Mind is the most beautiful love story I have ever read. This book is charming, honest and I recommend it to anyone, straight or homosexual. As I was reading the book, I kept thinking to myself, "I wish anyone who thinks homosexuality is immoral or disgusting would just read this. Maybe then they could understand that it is love." Annie on my Mind does not contain any erotic or sexual scenes, which makes this book a comfortable read for anyone who is not quite at ease with homosexuality. There were lots more good reviews such as this and it's generally recommended by any GLBT website that you go to.

Had a wee bit tough time finding it at first. I came to the library with the dead-set resolution that I wasn't going to leave the place without the book. Cos apparently it can only be found at this branch. And when I couldn't find it at the adult fiction, I was almost ready to freak out! No way dude. I must have this book! I always thought you couldn't find it in Singapore but surprise surprise! Government cencorship actually let it through! =) Of cos I had to ask the librarian, knowing full well that the words 'lesbian fiction' will turn up on her screen if she searched for it. I was abit apprehensive at first. But then again I thought: if I truly accepted myself, I wouldn't give a damn, or be afraid of what others would think. Besides, librarians should be accustomed to people asking them for 'odd/unconventional' books. What was there for me to lose? Embarrasement? I'm not ashamed of my sexuality. I have every right to request the book I want. And besides, I wasn't going to go home empty handed after the long trip from school. So I asked for it and got directed to another floor. And when I spied my 'prey' upon the shelf . . . I was like phew! I have come a long way to find you dude . . .

So after typing this post, I'm gonna give myself a break and enjoy the evening reading the book before anyone else comes home. Obviously I can't read this openly in front of my family. Why? Cos they'll ask . . . eh Ning, you borrow library book? When? How come you go yourself never ask mummy to come and fetch you to library? What book is that? See? Quite dangerous. I have to avoid any suspicions. It's not easy having to lead this double life. There are alot of things going on now behind my family's back, and it's getting harder to tell white lies. But of cos I know it's not gonna last forever. One day, I'll have to confess. But not at the moment, I don't feel any pressure or desire to do so now.

Heheh, it seems that in a span of a few weeks, I'm suddenly doing so many things I couldn't imagine myself doing in the past. And the amazing thing is that I'm doing it on my own. No longer did I wait for my parents to bring me somewhere to get something. No longer do I wait to go out with friends to do the things that they want, and hope that in the process, I'll get to do the things that I want at the same time. Now, if I want something, I get it myself, regardless of whether I have company with me or not. In the past, I used to be very passive. And hope that by some miracle stroke of luck, a GLBT person will fall onto my lap. And that will be how I can get to meet others like me. Well, I guess if I had continued in that pattern of 'hope', I would still be slightly lost and wandering today.

All it took was one moment of courage and a serious resolution to change my life and current predicament. My one divine moment. When I knew that I had to find others . . . for I cannot wait for them to come find me . . . Ever since going to the PPC in Serangoon, in school uniform and all alone . . . I have never looked back ever since. Never. For it has totally introduced a whole new meaning and dimension to this existence of mine. And the most important reassurance, that I . . . am not alone. Many people, both from my church and elsewhere, have remarked how brave I am for going it alone. Finding the PPC and the church alone. No, friends didn't bring me there . . . I brought myself there, despite how intimidating such a thing would be. And I'm only 18. One of the youngest members of the church besides Jeremy (whom I also admire for his courage and strong will). Most of the people there are in their 20s/30s, and some took longer than me to 'come out'. Regardless, they are all nice people. Offering me rides home, paying for my food when I'm gone from the table, giving me nice smses, inviting me to join them in lunch, cell and everything else. Without Jeremy, I wouldn't have come back to church again. Without Gordon, I wouldn't have a gmail account to receive my secret GLBT mail now. Without many others, who have in some way offered to help me one way or another. The (haha) sexy gay guys and their funny jokes, the care and concern for my mental/spiritual well-being. All these and more . . . You know how gay teens tend to be distant from their family? Cos they are afraid of being rejected and thus distant themselves to avoid suspicion? Well, gay teens need to have friends like them. And they try to find such friends for they need them for emotional support. Psychologists call this the 'constructed family', which are outside the biological family. I think I've found mine.

Lately, I find myself becoming more . . . independent. There are many things I do on my own right now. I go to church on my own, to the PPC on my own, search for GLBT material and hang out with GLBT people on my own. Nothing constraints me now. You want something in life? Go out there and get it yourself! Don't wait for others to do it with or for you. I used to tag along with my friends all the time. Doing the things that they would like and want me to do. I had, what you call, no opinion generally on what I wanted to do. I did what they did, for I seeked approval of others. But I've discovered how fulfilling it is just to be yourself and pursue what makes you happy . . . and not what others think will make you happy (or what they think will help you but actually benefits them more than you). There is so much more satisfaction in my life now, with the knowledge that the things I do all work towards making me a better and happier person. I've become more focused. Instead of the meaningless flotsam at sea that I once was. . .

These days, I learn more to focus on the small little positive things that happen around me, and try to shut out the negative ones. When people smile and acknowledge me in school, I smile a little wider, talk a little more, cos I know it makes their day too and makes mine as well. Every positive act is infectious and makes others and myself happy. I walk with a new spring in my step, and with a new eagerness to get to my next destination, for I know satisfaction and fulfillment (however small and mundane) lies around the corner. I enjoy a little more the interpersonal interactions I have with others, especially those that make me smile and amused. Like when Dav slapped my ass today (haha, she don't know what sort of girl she is playing around with haha), and when I tease Estel l e . There is beauty in every small little thing we do. In every small aspect of life we go through. Sometimes, all you need is to stop by and smell the roses, then you'll know how blessed you are.

We live in a beautiful world. And we are all beautiful people, no matter who we love.

Do everything, with the end in mind. I read this saying once and now I can proudly say that I have some direction in life. It's been very beneficial and helpful talking to my mentor and Mrs Tan the other day. They have provided invalulable guidance on what I truly want to do in life and how I can identify where my true passion lies. If there's anything that's been wonderful about NJC, it is the Sap Scholar's Programme and the dedicated teachers behind it. I've learned so much about myself and have awareness beyond NJ. Talking with these teachers is 1000 times more fulfilling than stoning around in the canteen or mugging all the time. Cos to me, I believe that the measure (and means) to success is by the strength of your character. And that is the thing that I intend to develop as richly as possible.

What dosen't kill me makes me stronger.

Maybe the toilet incident happened for a good reason. Maybe this is how God teaches me to stand up for myself, and what I believe in and stand for. To become the person that I am today and shape the toughness of my soul. I already know what I want to do with my life. What I really want to do next time . . . even if it's for free.

I want to help the GLBT community.

I want to counsel others, share with them my experiences and assure them that they are not alone. I want them to be able to accept themselves, just as I have accepted me and the wonderful freedom that it liberates from this cursed internalised homophobia (people can be so cruel to themselves sometimes). I want them to be able to be themselves, whoever they are and choose in the end. I once told Mrs Tan that counselling is the community work that I want to do, but of cos, I never mentioned what sort of counselling I would be engaged in. This is how I can contribute to society. And maybe this is also why I don't mind studying in S'pore. There is much to be done to make this country a better place for everyone. I believe I can contribute no matter how small. Just take for example: I spoke to someone online recently, and I could see where she is coming from, all the things she was feeling, cos I've been there too. I've walked down the path that you are only beginning to explore now. And it made me really happy, knowing that I can make a difference in somebody else's life, just by comforting them and showing emphathy. For I truly understand the things that are hard to say. And I know! I know how I can help! Cos I've found it myself and I want to spread the word and help others find it too! Believe me, there is so much to see . . to know and learn . . about yourself.

Let me be your guide. This is want I want to do.

To that certain someone, I do hope we can keep in touch regularly, cos I believe I can offer you much in terms of friendship . . . and a certain kind of understanding. =)

------
There are people who are born without arms or legs in this world. But do they spend their whole lives lamenting how 'different' they are from 'normal' people? No. Your happiness in life is not dependent on it's circumstances, but instead, it's dependent on what you make of it.

I can be gay and happy too. And I'll prove it to the world.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Hmm, I've decided I want to drop my s papers. Econs s is way too much. I don't see the point of studying it since I don't even have the passion/interest in the first place. It's just like . . . how some people choose to work in 'get rich', cushy kind of jobs but it's not something that they really want to do. Work to them, is really work. It's not what you like to do but what you have to do. Do I want to lead that kind of life? Besides, after knowing what it's like last year, to put work aside and discover what it means to live as a social entity, I find that so much more fulfilling. Sure, I ain't getting my grades, but at least I'm rich where it truly matters. Money is not everything. I would gladly sacrifice wealth for a vibrant and 'out' gay community in S'pore. I can always get a post-graduate scholarship, studying the subjects that I'm really interested in such as sociology etc. I don't have to go overseas now.

Ah . . . by letting go the s papers, somehow, I feel like a great burden has been lifted off me. Time can be better spent on so much more important things now, such as my FOUR As (for goodness sake, those are the most important anyway!), church, people, increasing awareness/helping others. And last but not least, I want to find out more about myself, and read up on things that really pique my interest (philosophy, psychology and stuff like that). I shall waste no more time reading econs, which has no relevance to the real world anyway. Of cos, sigh . . . the most irritating/scary thing now is to break the news to the teachers that have faith/belief in me. I know I'll dissapoint them greatly, after all the chances they have given me. And it's not just one teacher, it's three at least. But then again, this is my life. There are some things in it that they can't understand, nor shall they know, at the moment. What I want to do with my life is ultimately my choice. Besides, there are people who have obtained scholarships without s papers. Maybe I can do that! =) Right now, I'm too busy for that.

And that brings me to my next problem. I'll need to concoct elaborate lies right now to fool my mother. She'll be wondering why I'm out so late everytime. And why she's gonna be seeing me very rarely in the weekends. Time. I need time. Dosen't help that cell is usually at night to accomodate all the mostly working professionals. Heheh, but sometimes, things can get so rousing that it goes on longer than usual and the facilitator has to urge people to 'move on now!'

Hmmm, you are beautiful. But surprise surprise! You are twice my age . . . I never knew, couldn't have imagined : o

To emptiness:

I'm not gonna give out my email add so readily for safety reasons. But if you'd like to talk, just chat me on mIRC. Here's how you do it, it's copied and pasted from somewhere:

Hi all,Too shy to post?

But keen on chatting with someone from RedQuEEn!, while remaining anonymous ?

Join us at #redqueen!,

every Sunday night between 9pm-12am.If you are not a techie, no worries:Go to www.mirc.com to d/l the software.Mac users can download the IRCLE from www.ircle.com
Server: Galaxynet
Channel: #RedQuEEn! (with the !)
(or type in the 'Status' window: /join #redqueen!


------

In the channel, my nick name is 'ilubsoftball' and double click on my name to start talking. I'll be there tonight, around 9.30pm.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Dang! I wanna clobber the S'pore government and its fuddy-duddy, paternal and ultimately stifling environment that it created. Urgh!! Sometimes I just want to throw up my hands in despair! Hmph!

You know, when you're brought up in an environment where all you see around you is girl meets guy, girl loves guy. It's quite foreign, cos you can't identify with what's going on in books, literature, movies and shows. Straight relationships confuse you. Or more specifically, it seems irrelevant to you. Chick flicks whereby prince charming meets Cinderalla or Snow White or some snotty rich, 'innocent' pre-teen, makes me want to puke. Or at least, roll the eyeballs. I mean, bleugh! It's so fake you know?

Of cos, there are those sappy, romantic and truly honest love stories, and at least, that I can relate to.

Sigh . . . I wish to know more about me. What it's like to be me. I guess you can't really find that here. In this place, all the straight people can more or less tell what life will be like for them. From TV, books or blah. Mine is one big question mark. But then again, it means that there are literally no rules! No social scripting that I have to follow unlike others (you know, the one where you get married by 25, have kids by 28, and have another 2/3 years later). There is no FAQ or guide. How I choose to live my life is how I want it to be. It's very . . . 'come what may' -esque. Whatever happens, I'll take life one step at a time. Sure, I could map out my career and life plans, but other aspects would be on a 'see how' kind of basis.

Ah well, at least I have access to some fiction now. But that still leaves much to be desired. I wanna watch my shows! And even tougher to obtain . . . movies! They're probably banned by the government anyway, on the basis that it portrays an alternative lifestyle = unwholesome, non-family values. *Proceeds to roll eyeballs for the umpteenth time*.

Then again, this is a fight. Just like any other fight. Like for the abolition of slavery and the liberation of women's rights. This is another of them. Happening right now in real time, and I'm caught in the midst of it's history. Yeah, but don't doubt for one moment, that I wouldn't be at the forefront of this fight. I'm gonna make things and S'pore a better place for all people. I already know what I want to do for volunteer work. I'd love to help those who are in doubt, are questioning, or are just plain dealing with having to come to terms with themselves and their loved ones. Heck, I'll set up some local GLBT youth support group if it wasn't so hard! (and if the f-ing government dosen't restrict things all the time) If I ever have the chance, and if I travel overseas, I'll bring in banned material so that people can at least have access to things that apply to them. And for goodness sake, it's not even porn. More like literature and movies/shows that portray love in more 'realistic' ways for us.

There is so much that is needed. So much that needs to be done. Singapore, is not a modern society really. It's third world still when it comes to human rights, and equality. Even if I ever turn out to be straight in the future. This is still what I'd do. I guess things happen for a reason. Maybe this is my calling in life, maybe this is where my passion lies. Maybe this is why I go through hurt so I can understand others and help them deal with theirs. Though I may despair sometimes, I can't lose that idealism, or get too jaded. Cos if that happens, that will be what the opponents want. And I must not succumb to that. No one ever said it was gonna be easy. But it's not impossible. . .

NO MORE HOMOPHOBIA. No more unnecessary pain to people who don't deserve it.

I'll fight for freedom of sexuality. Cos I believe in it. Everyone has a right to love who they want. And this belief is as constant as my belief that somewhere, out there, there is a GOD in this world . . .

A GOD who loves, and not persecutes. . .

Friday, April 08, 2005

Today, I opened the newspapers and whoa . . . I know that dude! Page 20, INSIGHT, Straits Times. The guy heading the A F A. I met him at the library. Heck, I even shook his hand. Cool, I never knew what he worked for. Well I guess it's not very surprising heh? The library's affiliated to the A F A I think.

Enthunasia, or whatever you call it. I'm for choice. I'm pro-choice. Why? Cos I believe in the individual's right to choose, regardless of their religion or whatever. That's not to say that I don't value life. It's just that some people have different ideas on when and how that value ends. Ultimately, it's your life. I shouldn't meddle in it. And it's sad to read stuff on how people suffer and suffer in pain, when all they want is to finally let go . . . Let them have their choice. If they're pro-life, they would understandably choose the 'no' option. If they're pro-choice, they would choose 'yes'. Bottomline is, at least they can choose! Same goes for abortion. Not everybody is christian or has a similar set of beliefs. We should not enforce on all people what we believe in, just because it is 'right' in our eyes. Others should be allowed to have their voices, their choices, cos ultimately, it's other people's affairs.

I do not feel the pain and anguish of a cancer sufferer. I do not have the bleak future and uncertainty of a teenage mother. I would never know how they feel. So why should I tell them what they should do? Although, on the issue of abortion, there is always adoption. They don't have to kill the baby. They can give it a second chance. But then again, that child might also end up with substandard foster care. Stories abound of how orphans or parentless children, stay in foster home for years without real love. Or they end up in foster home where they are abused or cannot find the support they need. Even for the terminally ill, some have changed their minds about wanting to die. Some gain hope after a while. And also, it is easy to misread a person's genuine desire to die and a person's desperate plea to give up, brought on by depression andd hopelessness.

Well, I guess these aren't easy issues to resolve. For every sad story, there is one with a positve outcome to back the opposing camp of thought. Things can always go either way. The decisions we make in life may not always turn out to be good for us. But I think at least, we should have the liberty of being able to make a decision.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

There are days when all I want is to run away from this place. Run away forever. . . and start anew some place else . . .

I will not let anyone. Anyone at all. Make me feel lesser than the person I am.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Today was a most enlightening day. Had a good talk with Mr Lee and what 'I truly want to do in life." What is it that drives me? And makes me wake up each day and feel as though I am on top of the world for what I've accomplished?

On the mrt today, I had my own revelations. Some people may wonder, why I spend so much time just thinking. Well, that's quiet time for me. Me-time. It's only through thinking seriously and thoughtfully, can I learn from what's happening around me.



This is how I grow as a person.


I've realised alot of things about myself, my life and those around me. No longer will I ever place too much faith in one person. No longer will others be my emotional crutch, which I lean upon and without . . cannot function at all. It's sad I think, when you've become so dependent on others and how they affect your lives, that you can't even make decisions on your own. You can't even think for yourself. All your actions, your feelings, thoughts and perspectives, reflect not the person inside you but the people around you. In short, all you've become, is not an entity on it's own, but an extension (and a poor one at that) of those near you. What happens then, if all of a sudden the people around you disappear and you realise that you become totally lost? Does it not show then? How 'clingy' you are? Grow up. Learn independence. This is your life! Live it your way! The day you take ownership of what you do and who you are, then only are you truly living!

I've learnt this lesson the hard way, and the hard way is the only way that everyone will one day come to learn. And I'm glad that it has happened to me now at this young age. Cos the earlier I learn, the more prepared for life I am. Then the earlier I really start living my life. This is not to say that I'm gonna become some hermit or outcast. Do not mistake me as being aloof or indifferent. Truth is, I'm still here, and I'm always ready if you need anything. I'm still the elsa I once was. But I'm sure I'm now a better elsa. Being different isn't easy. But then again. . . whoever said life was meant to be easy? I've read this on another blog : What dosen't kill you, makes you stronger. How true.

Heh. I'm beginning to love my church more and more. I've only been there twice. . . and yet the congregation treats me as though I'm an old friend they know.

Actually, today was 'mahjong day' for me. I was so afraid my mom was gonna call manda up and ask if I was truly at her house. But of cos, she didn't, even though it was past 11pm and still, I am outside. I wish I could share with you all that I've heard and learned today. I even wished I had a tape recorder to note down all the important points that were raised. But I guess the essence of the lessons learnt, would be lost on you unless you were there itself. I guess it's really sublime in a way. Words can't express the peace I feel right now.

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind. Then you will be able to test and prove what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will. -Romans 12:14

This.

This passage, will be the guide to which I study my Bible. With an open mind. An open heart and above all else. . . whatever conclusions/lessons I derive from it, cannot be the conclusions of my pastor, my church, my gay OR straight friends. But instead, the conclusion must come from within me. For I must take responsiblity in what I believe in. That's called true christianity. If all I believe in is what others tell me to believe, then I am not a christian, but instead, I am a fundamentalist who believes in ideology, not truth. It is only when my faith is challenged, then is it strengthened. Collin told me today, while driving me home, that it is ultimately not worth to abandon God because of the imperfections of the church or church-goers. For that is a greater sin, than the so-called sin of homosexuality.

You know, I thought I was open-minded. I thought I was as liberal as one can get already. But oh no. Today, I discovered within myself my own narrow-mindedness, my own internalised homophobia, of which I tell to others that it dosen't exist in me. We always say when in times of trouble, ask yourself, "What would Jesus do if he was in my place?" We ask this so that we would be guided to do the right thing, live the christ-like way, in order to be better people and be closer to God.

Well. "What would Jesus do if he was gay?"

In essence, all I'm asking is . . . How do I guide my life? There are lessons that can be gleaned from the Bible, on how to be gay and christian at the same time. And yet not practice the hypocrisy that is such an easy trap for christians. And lastly, like I said, I must learn to be more open-minded. There is always a possibility that I might learn to love guys one day. But even if I actually turn out to be straight, it dosen't really matter. I'll still come back to this place of worship, for it has . . . transformed me. All it took was three days . . . three days. And I am elsa renewed!




I am beautiful in the eyes of God, therefore I am. And no one. No one, shall make me feel any lesser.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Open the eyes of my heart, Lord
Open the eyes of my heart
I want to see You
I want to see You
Open the eyes of my heart, Lord
Open the eyes of my heart
I want to see You
I want to see You

To see you high and lifted up
Shining in the light of Your glory
Pour out Your power and love
As we sing holy, holy, holy Vs (x2)
Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
I want to see You
Open the eyes of my heart, Lord
Open the eyes of my heart
I want to see You
I want to see You

Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
I want to see You.

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I like this song. I cried when I first sang it cos it was so moving, to sing in a room full of people who believed and were sincere. And now, it's been in ringing in my head non-stop for the past two days.

Gay people can love and worship God too. Heheh, life's greatest irony: It wasn't straight people in the end, who brought me back to god. But a gay man. Thank you thank you Jeremy! Amen to that!

Sunday, April 03, 2005

To QJ,

As for the passage you mentioned. It was written by Paul. . . who allowed and pushed for submissiveness of women and slavery in bibilical times. Even mindy's (thanks for the blessing) youth pastor told me that what Paul wrote on women was 'reflective of the culture of his time' and thus we have to interpret what he said in the context of our times. Therefore, we cannot take what he said about women at face value. And so I should apply this to many other things that he said right? Anyway, there are many interpretations on this passage you mentioned. You should look up the conservative and liberal view points. Maybe you might find this unnecessary cos it's quite straight forward.

BUT, what Paul said about women and their 'roles' sounds very straight forward to me as well. However, the conservative view on this is contrary to what I can see literally written in the Bible. You can't choose to accept parts of the Bible and discard other parts, and interpret it the way you want. That's what you told me too. Practice what you preach.

Really, me going to a gay-affirmative church is not just to find my way back to God. It's the only way I can meet others like me and find out more about myself. It's also a support group in a way. Singing hymms there also provides me with a sense of solace/peace that I lost when I left God. As for my belief in the Bible, you can't expect me to have a miracle, sudden, acceptance of it. I still question it alot. I don't feel that it's wrong, by wanting to seek truth, not believe what is thrown at me. Something in me, knows that there is an eternal out there. But the Bible confounds me and makes me skeptical. All I've heard from people so far, all those around me . . . can only offer to me one point of view. How can I form a proper conclusion if all I hear is 'gay is wrong'? I had faith in that opinion once. And it hurt me more than freed me. . . I also ended up hurting others too.

Before I believe in anything. I must look at both sides of the coin. And for the past few months, believe me, I have done that exhaustively. Now I ask you. . . have you done the same as me?

Truly, I don't think you can say yes.

-------

Let it go. I'm on my way to self-discovery. Whatever happens, is meant to happen. To you, that's God's will. To me, that's destiny. Let the invisible forces do their work. It's too early to form conclusions. Sometimes, it's good to meet others with different opinions.

And I have already. I hope one day you will too. Just as I've seen that not all christians pass judgement and condemn, so too will you see one day that not all gay people are bad.


Sometimes, they are even better than straight people. I guess what I'm trying to say is that your sexuality does not dictate your character or the person you are. People are people are people. God accepts everyone! it's people who don't!

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I know you tag cos you care. And for that, thanks =) I do appreciate it though we may not agree.

Thank God for J e r e m y K w o k.

Today was nice. There's alot that went on. This time I sang, and I was happy. So much that I teared and had to go toilet for awhile. And I also heard the most relevant sermon about "Experiencing God" I've ever heard in years (and no, it's was not all about homosexuality). For once, people were actually listening and not falling asleep. I saw none with their heads sagging. Plus it was actually funny. My mother once complained to me that at QLC, the pastor is all rhetoric but no common sense. The things he said had no relevance or application whatsoever in our lives. But this time, I could identify with what the speaker, a fantastic orator, was saying.

It was also nice to know that they were first and foremost concerned if I was really certain of myself. A few even offered to take me to see counsellors if I wasn't sure. Cos it's so important that I'm sure. It's not an easy life and they know. Considering that I'm only 18, and they being in their 20s/30s already know for sure about themselves. The gay guys were really funny! And they are most certainly not 'square' at all. N J C guys should learn some social skills from these guys man. The lady who started the church, I think she has a gay son. She reminded me of mindy's youth pastor. There were mothers and grandmothers there who have accepted. Straight people. They were all friendly. And the thing is that the congregation is not that big. So there is a sense of intimacy, and thus it's not so alien.

The things that stick in my head, the hymms, the impressive sermon which I felt compelled to give applause after, cos it was really honest and frank, the conversations I had, jokes, people. I guess I can't describe everything in words. It was like any other church service really. Very normal. I was actually reluctant to leave when I realised it ended! And the best thing? Homosexuality is not some hush hush, taboo topic which is better left undiscussed. For once, I could speak my mind without fear of disapproval.

There's alot more really. I haven't seen it all yet. I wish you would see it too and have first-hand experience, before you form a conclusion about it. If you just met Jeremy . . .

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Today was pretty much so-so until late afternoon. Standard NJC fare . . . am getting very tired of this schooling life.

Ah well, at least today was good! I'm glad I had the guts to do it. Am glad I decided to take the plunge. Oh, it was daunting no doubt. Very daunting. It's one thing to talk to others online and another to trawl through the slums of Seranggoon alone, surrounded by construction workers and call girls, looking for an obscure shophouse. Climb up the stairs and find the door with the rainbow logo. Hell, I felt like backing out many times. All it takes is one bad first experience to make one discouraged. First times are the edge of the knife. Any thing could make you tip left or right. Into undiscovered paradise or hell.

But it was good!

It was a small place. Not big, but cozy and intimate. There were the owners, middle-aged and not-your-average aunties (these aunties crack sex jokes and funny ones at that!). The incredible and commendable straight librarian who believed in equality and real community work about things that really matter (which is why she's a volunteer librarian). 16 year old Jeremy, whose looks are drop-dead gorgeous, and yet can pass off for a 28 year old guy (seriously, could not take my eyes off him). Mr X, the one who urged me here. The two hot ang-moh guys. The very sweet and mild-mannered Brendon. Just to name a few. Most of the people there seemed to want to further the cause in S'pore, change other's mindsets and perceptions. Though it's quite obvious what hurdles they have to overcome. I find it quite noble that they still try. Cos I myself feel that urge. I pasted this quote once. . .

"Every gay and lesbian person who has been lucky enough to survive the turmoil of growing up is a survivor. Survivors always have an obligation to those who will face the same challenges."----Bob Paris

And you know what's the best thing? We could all identify with what each other felt. It was heartening, especially when Jeremy is arguably the nicest and most friendly stranger I've ever had the pleasure to meet. EVER. I was really impressed. You should meet him one day. And yet when you've heard what he's gone through (His shit is far worse than mine. Cos he was sent to a church reparative therapy programme, where they tried to shock him out of homosexuality by making him watch videos of real exorcism, and was told he too needs to be exorcised as he was 'possessed'. He finally ran away from there, and found solace in the place I've found). It's astounding to see such optimism and life in someone who has seen the hurt of the world. The librarian too was amazingly, a teacher! God forbid how she'd surely lose her job, if they found out what sort of 'cause' she champions. Like me, she was also an ex-christian, who was disillusioned about God after she started questioning the Bible. Her experience with religion seemed like deja-vu to me, cos it was so so similar.

There was plenty of snacks and refreshments. The people were very generous. I came blatantly in NJ uniform. Flipped through the queer magazines available (I saw Manazine, that one is extremely controversial in S'pore and it's banned recently). Browsed through the books and borrowed one.

At the end of the day. What's my conclusion? Gay guys are seriously hot. 3 out of the 5 I met are ALL more good-looking than the best-looking guys in NJC (The greatest irony: I was actually having heterosexual feelings in a homosexual environment. But of cos, that all died down after awhile and the old elsa resurfaced). Too bad for straight girls haha! They might as well turn les then, that'll be good for me! =) And also, people are people are people. We are all the same. Gay people are no different from straight people. I saw people from all walks of life, living the way that they are happy with. They are just like normal people. You couldn't tell any difference if you met them on the train. Lastly, they are also very funny haha! There was so much self-depreciating humour there and everyone was so n-i-c-e. It was so welcoming, in a way, it felt like home (though I was apprehensive and scared shitless the moment I stepped inside).

And heh, it's good to know that there are others out there. I believe I'll be paying another visit, and another, and another. . .

As for now, all I give a damn is studies and learning more about myself. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. What I learned in Sapphire scholar's programme today. From now on, I shall think of the positive. And do the things which will make me feel positive. Every other blood-sucking, emotionally draining shit must be axed from my life. You're right, Mr X, I have to be me, and truly just be me, before I can be happy. Having a girlfriend dosen't make you gay. You're gay cause you live and breathe it. And I also know now what I can do . . . to forget.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Wow. Finally spoke to someone in the know. It's really, how shall I say . . . enlightening. Am glad that I took the first step. Yes!

Ah well, all of a sudden, I don't feel like taking 's' papers . . . hmmm, NUS, there are people like me there! But I must have connections to know them. Not easy unless I already know someone who is in the know!

I've learned my major lesson. Sometimes, life is alot simpler when I'm just a mugger. That's it. I shall become a mugger from now on. Nothing else matters. Not softball which is getting too complicated now. Not social life. Not other distractions. The only thing I'll allow myself is IRC chats, and reading books, and finding out more of the underground community if that's what I want. Nothing else.

I just want to get out of JC now. And fast. Don't want to spend another day in this place.