Thursday, March 31, 2005

My biggest problem now. And which has been for some time already. Is the 's' paper issue.

Drop? Or don't drop? I really really am at a lost as to what to do.

Something in my head tells me to take the easy way out. And just drop it. Why? I would not risk screwing up my 'A' levels this way. Cos 's' paper can be extremely daunting. People should just take a look at what you have to do for econs 's'. They'll think I'm insane for taking it. It's not impossible. But it's an uphill struggle all the way, unless you have the passion for it (which I don't. I take it cos I want to go America). And besides. Go America? Do you have the slightest idea what you're getting yourself into? There's racism there. All sorts of weird people. No family, no friends, no mommy, no maid, no nice bed or clean house. You'll have to do everything yourself. The culture shock would be volcanic.

Then again.

Nothing spurs me on to study econ 's' more than the thought of how free I would be in America. Yes. The absolutely open freedom I would get there. From family. I can do anything I want. I can bring a gf to my house and wouldn't have to explain to my mother that she is only a 'classmate/friend'. I can be completely open about my sexuality. Cos nobody knows me there. You start everything afresh on a clean slate. One has no idea how infinitely difficult it is to find GLBT friends in Singapore. The darn community is so damn small. I've joined emailing groups, mIRC channels, all of which expose me to the risk of discovery by family (but I heck care now these days). And I intend to go for meetings with real people. But all this is very difficult. I don't think local universities have GLBT support groups like in America. I want to be able to watch all the films, read all the books and magazines that are banned locally. I want to further explore what it's like to be me. Show me love.

And of cos, the overseas experience is priceless. But then, there is the comfort zone of home calling out to me . . .

ARRGHH!! How? Seriously, I wouldn't want to go to America as much if I was straight. Who cares? I'll be perfectly fine and lovin' in S'pore. But arrgh! I want to explore another world. Something which is largely denied to me here.

So what should the pragmatic person in me do? Pursue my dream? Or go things the safe way?

Can I even do it? Make the grade?

I've discovered something from the RJC non-match. When I'm nervous, I keep absolute silence. And I hate having to talk. Cos it's stressful and distracts me from the game, which I'm desperately trying to concentrate on. Ah well, learn to control your anxiety. Maybe it's better we didn't play that day.

*Smacks self on the head*. Cool it dude. Chill. I now understand a little of what the iron chef feels. Now I see both sides of the issue. Yes, Li is right. I'll just snap one day. If I don't control it. Snapped today already. Sigh . . . now I know why she did what she did. Frustration. It's been building up. And when everything is just so crucial and you can't control it. And when people don't even seem to be trying. Yes. Maybe that was how you appeared to your captain. So just cut her some slack. I understand now what she feels and why she did it. Heh. It's not easy being me. But I ain't gonna make excuses for insensitivity. Make a mistake? Learn from it and like we say, "Forget it and move on!". Don't sweat the small stuff.

Everything's been up, up, up so far. Only when we falter do we see the flaws in us. Maybe today was a blessing in disguise. We must see the cracks before we can fill them. I think everything turned out for the better.

And the notice board? Forget it. I am absolutely gonna wash my hands off the issue.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Yes Yes YESSSS!!! My god, I was so happy when I got the message! Haha, for the first time, N J C softball has a combined school player in the team. And it's not just any combined school player, it's their number 1 hitter. All of a sudden, I'm quite calmed by this piece of news.

*breathe, elsa, relax*. I have no idea how we got so lucky. No experienced players at all until this year and boom! Suddenly we have f-i-v-e. O M G . . . YES! It's true what I wrote in the appeal letter! My two cresc girls are the catalyst! With them, we can make a change! Just see, Steph would not have joined if not for YW and Joyce. If Steph didn't join, the R G S pitcher probably wouldn't join and we wouldn't know about the N Y G H catcher as well. From 2 softballers, it has multiplied to 5!!! 5 ex-softballers!!! Even TPJC cannot beat that! They only have 2 I think. . .

What a supremely great morale booster. I am looking forward to tomorrow. Then I can see my new catcher in action. Ah, softball softball, we must do well tomorrow!

NO matter what, the softball team OWES tong alooootttt! We really really owe him . . . For YW, Joyce, and now this one . . .

Monday, March 28, 2005

This is how the N J C softball team should look like. Properly attired in uniform, i.e. with slacks, caps and most importantly, jersey! Dang, it's so sad that we can't get jerseys this year cos it's too late. Ah well, at least I got the contacts for my juniors next year. They'll look splendid then . . . The things I do for the team . . .

Oh, by the way, the girls' captain is on the left-most side of the second row. Wearing white cap, with hands on knees. . . And I also realised that it'll be pretty cool to date a softballer! I mean, hey, we have the same interests? Isn't that great? I feel a bond with those who love softball as much as I do. (And I also think it's quite sad if you are a softballer and yet you feel no passion for the game. To you, it's more like a chore. How sad is that?). Heheh, and of cos, I'll preferably date a pitchar! ;)

Anyway, have a couple of hypotheses on why N T U wasn't performing that day.
1. Their I V P league games are over in november hols. So they must be quite out of touch now since it's off season for them and opposite for us.
2. It's a saturday morning and as we all know ( as tong reminded us actually . . ), friday night is party/clubbing night for adults. So they must be groggy/stoned/hung-over.

Hmm, why am I blogging so much about softball lately? Many reasons. Xiao mei IP girl is starting to remind me of myself when I was younger. (Man this makes me sound so 'mature', and she has described me as such on numerous occasions!) Actually, I'm sincerely not interested in getting back to school tomorrow. Don't even want to see the class mates cos it get's xian/tedious after awhile. It reminds me of mugging . . . =(

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Aiyeeeee! Damn! I should've forced manda and chris to watch the Friday softball matches with me! Darn my stupid quota of at least 4 people coming. Damn it to hell!


*Grrrr*

It's sad I missed exciting softball action. =(

Hmm, on another note. That N T U first pitcher is also the captain of the team. Name's X i u y u e. I think so cos she's shortstop/first pitcher, so must be captain right? Anyway, that's what it says in the picture. She's not that good-looking, but the legs! In those slacks! Weeeoooweeooowe! Darn, they went to watch the league matches at kallang too! *clutch hair in disbelief*. We must play with N T U often! Mmm! Shall beg senior to arrange. Haha, maybe lah.

----

Heheh, anyway, I bet pitchers hate the likes of me when they see me step up to the plate. Insanely small strike zone (its the length from your armpit to knee). And sometimes, I just love to aggravate things by crouching lower . . . *evil grinz*

It's good that I'm taking a break on the issue. Don't want to look it up again. Time spent on the internet, searching/seeking my answers for hours, reading through ying's articles. Reading parts of the Bible itself. All the research I've done and experience I've had, that led to the opinions I have today. Oh, don't doubt me. I probably know more about the issue of homosexuality vs religion, than anyone here who reads my blog. Some people may wonder, why I choose to pursue this issue with such fervour, almost fanatiscm. Why I find it so difficult to let go, and why the questions burn through my head, like the fire that your faith burns in your heart?? Ahh, oh, it's a struggle to deal with your own sexuality and confront the issues that you face, which others see only casually as a third party and at face value while you meet them everyday, everywhere, at every girl that stirs your heart. And never forget. I was a christian once! That makes it all the more tougher.

No more. I shall cease to dissect. Am happier in my current state.

B L I S S.

Like I said, if I ever come back to God. If ever. There is only one church in Singapore for me. Well, I think there's only one so far.


--------


By the way mother, can you blame me for acting this way? I'm not a perfect daughter. And I'm sick of the tirade that I have gone through for four years already. Enough is enough! Can't you see I'm sick of it? And besides, all you want from me is my grades! I'm no good unless I score perfect straight As. All you can see are the blemishes on my report card. Nothing ever satisfies you enough! And don't blame me if I'm not close to you. Homosexual teens are usually distant from their family. What do you expect? More so in this conservative asian society? Telling my friends about me is bad enough. Telling you?

------------



I was also thinking. Maybe, if we kept God out of our friendship, you and I would be happier this way. I know that most people find it difficult to discuss the topic of homosexuality with me, cos it clashes with their beliefs. Likewise, I too find it difficult to talk about God cos it clashes within me as well. Unless of cos, I'm talking instead with someone who is both able to talk about homosexuality openly/frankly with me and yet is christian at the same time. I can only talk about God to them.

I do appreciate people trying to enlighten/correct my views on christianity. As some of the stuff I've read was ususally not representative of the mindsets of ALL christians. And I can also see how and why people would want to try and bring me back to God. Thanks for your efforts, though it may not seem to work thus far. Yes, you all have good intentions and its heartening to know that you care and don't dismiss my doubts as hogwash. Please understand that it is valid for me to have my reservations about God. It's never easy . . . trying to be yourself and trying to be the good christian that I'm taught by friends and family to be, in the past. I guess many people can't understand why the religious view on homosexuality has torn me apart from my own religion. Yes, that's the word to describe it. Torn apart . . and very violently at that (I still bear the scars and I tear just thinking about it!). And made me disillusioned. Like lost sheep.

Remember, I was a christian once!

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Darn it! I just realised that I missed the gathering tonight. Read the email late and found out that it started hours ago already. Ah well, wait for next month then. I really hope I can make it this time and it'll be good for me =) It's mostly adults though. Heck. Who cares? They won't.

Softball today. Some good some bad. Super new 'magic' bat. Works with some incredible power and control. Love it. Nice hitting. Too bad the idiot caught my potential 2 base hit. Fielding? Shut up. I hate losing grounders left or right. Want to play outfield. Would love to catch pop-flys. Want N Y G H girl to replace me. Slacks tore again. First time was during vs. R J C. Split at the inner thigh some more while trying to sit down. Today, game haven't start, just entered the field and tried to pull up slacks and *rippp*. Wouldn't be surprised if the entire thing suddenly ripped and fell off like rock star pants, during some game manoveur that I do.

Opposition. Extremely distracting. Especially the first pitcher.When at bat, kept distracting me with her numerous signal communications with catcher. Even striked me out with one ball that fooled me. Grr! When not batting, distract me even more with her looks and hot legs. Frequent thought in head: Elsa, elsa, concentrate okay? Concentrate on the game. Concentrate and stop staring! Stop it! (But of cos I never stop it lah . . ) Their batting, not so much power today. Fielding not bad. Pitching not as fast as expected (or was it our 'magic' bat that swung fast?). Final score 8-6, our favour. They beat us shitless last time. Mild surprise was registered on my part.

Actually, come to think about it. Most pitchers are actually good-looking. Maybe it's becos they choose the tall girls. And the tall ones are usually . . .


Ah well, at least we had fun at N T U.

Friday, March 25, 2005

ARRGH! I cannot find it! (I'm not talking about my econs notes here, though I can't find it!) Darn, there is not a single lambda ear stud in Far East. Glared at every single shiny thing there today and . . . nothing! WAHH!! Wanna cry . . . Damn, I want those earrings soo soo much! If ANY body can find that for me, I WILL LURVE YOU to death. So far, I can only find it online! And I also want my sterling silver with rainbow inlay ear studs, and the Labrys pendant with chain(which I can't find either!). Yes, I'm extremely selective when it comes to accesories.

ARGH! Ah well, at least I found the novel Petals On The Wind, which is the sequel to Flowers In The Attic. YAY! Happy reading here I come!

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Wow. I'm really amazed. Not all condemns me. Here's one and another. Two church organisations in America.

I don't know what to say . . . but.


I'm really touched.


There is hope after all! Soul force! What an empowering phrase . . .

A conversation with Nus. Thank you so much!
(entire transcipt saved and transferred from MSN)


I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
anw, i liked to ask u, what would u do if u found out one of ur friends wasnt str8? cos seeing frm ur blog entry i would think u wouldn't mind

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
if she was never straight before,there is a possibility that she is just like that.otherwise it's probably the environment that changed her

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
well wat would u do then?

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
if she's like attracted to me right...haha obviously i don't goad her on lah.but if she's not making people uncomfortable i think it's perfectly alright to let her be because sometimes people just need to try things out before they're sure of anything-in this case their sexual orientation.but actually my first instincts when pple in a girls sch say they're les is not to believe them cos

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
they're probably just experimenting

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
true but what if they KNOW for sure??

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
then why should i force them to change?i mean it's IN them right?

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
yeah tt's true

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
like i know this ladyboy...of course i'll never make him feel like he's become some monster or smthg

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
so, what if i were to tell u that . . . i wasnt str8?

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
haha.but u are

not

oops

are

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
heheh, i dont usually do this, unless i judge tt the person's reaction would be more likely to be positive. becos it could change the nature of our frenship. some ppl might be turned off, some might be supportive, so i have to tread VERy carefully

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
hahahaha

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
and i'm not kidding

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
but u like muscle men

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
i do

but i also like something else, which i dont tell others. and sometimes, i like muscle men, cos its a 'convenient front' u know?

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
r u shocked?

of cos

ah, but i'm always like tt all the while

nothing abt me is changed

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
well a little.yar true..for the "convenient front" thing..because as u noe our society is not yet ready to accept.but i feel that for some people,yes they might feel attracted to pple of the same sex but its all natural.i mean if i see some gd lookin' female i'll be quite moved

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
oh nus yes, and for me, it goes deeper than tt. but im just curious, what do u think of me now? as u can see, i'm telling u over msn, which is a little safer cos i have to be careful u noe? i noe some ppl might have bad reactions

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
honestly,i'm qt shocked of course.but i mean i have been with u for almost 1 year in school.i hv nvr suspected anything.and i don't think there's anything to be afraid of even now.as i said..my first reaction is to believe that its some phase tt u hv to go thru

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
but what if i tell u i've alr gone thru tt phase, and really AM not str8? i hide things very well, and ppl dont suspect cos im not a butch. the fact that im telling u means im quite certain of myself already. telling someone ur' not str8 is a big step and its also a risk, i wouldn't do it if i wasn't sure

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
i'm not going to try like mad to force u to change..that'll be rude and invasive.that's if u're absolutely sure and u don't want to be changed.do you want to be changed?

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
no of cos not! im perfectly happy the way i am. ok, maybe not perfectly cos there aren't ANY ppl in nj like me, but its better than faking as a 'str8' person (which i did in sc). so the best way to make my situation a little easier is to let understanding (and more likely accepting) frens know, which is waht im doing now

hmm, i cld show u something

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
yes?

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
hmmm, i have a blog

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
u do?ah yes i was wondering.u always read other pple's blog so i was thinking abt urs

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
hmm, but b4 i tell u, r u still frens with me? do u still see me as the same elsa? it dosent change anything abt me u noe

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
of course lah! pls lah its not like ur personality suddenly changed or what right

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
okay yay! good good! at least there's one less person i have to pretend to . . . okay, anw, my blog's very blatanly open, in fact it can be assessed thru the class blog . .

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
OK...........hahahaa.i thot its some secret place..like nana's. i'm trying to search for hers...cannot find

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
i want to find too!

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
just click on elsa on the class blog, im surprised not many peeps found yet. haha, what a shock they'll get man

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
yar i'm surprised i didnt look there

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
heheh ah well now u know
btw, just want to say im glad u can understand/ acceept. it makes things a hell lot easier
u;re not the only one who knows tho

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
is it very difficult for u?everyday?to have to hide?

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
of cos! i want to be out, but u noe ppl like nana would surely have baad reactions, i know she's quite homophobic. and when i tell most ppl abt me they ALL want to cahnge me and tt ultimatle hurts. .

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
sometimes, its worse, they start distancing themselves frfm me

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
are u sure nana's like that?when i discuss with her abt stuff like tt at least she doesnt outrightly disapprove of it,as in she does accept some arguments..unlike some pple

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
but u noe, she can't even like dare to say the word 'butch' of 'lesbian'?, anw, waht did she say exactly?

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
when i told her abt homosexual dolphins i think it opened her up to the idea of homosexuality being innate in nature

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
and what was like the concllusion of ur conversation?

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
BUT your right lah..she's not fully accepting
but that doesnt mean her idea of u will change

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
yeah true, but she might end up wanting me to cahnge, cos tt;s what happens when i tell some christians, and i just dont want to have to go thru explaining all over again, why i don want or nd to change

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
someitmes, it's just safer i dont tell her

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
ARRRGH, but it really hurts to hide

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
she's not christian

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
i know.
but im not so sure, if i should tell her

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
yar.let me tell u..for example i talked to shujun abt this issue.ok firstly right..i cannot stand it when pple base their opinions abt homosexuality on what their religion tells them

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
oh nuria, i've come to the right person. THANK GOD FOR THAT! haha, i wonder what would religious ppl think of that hehe

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
she told me that initially she was accepting.now this whole religion thing warped her whole mindset and now to her its smthg to be condemned

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
what else did she say?

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
ok...this fact has totally no basis whatsoever..she said that it is evident that her god does not accept gays because he made sure there was a punishment to go with it

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
and this "punishment" was AIDS

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
bullsh*t man

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
which to me is ABSOLUTELY outrageous shit cos 70% of AIDS cases are homosexuals

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
lesbians are the lowest risk grp for AIDS. tt's th makes lesbians GOD"S chosen ppl then?

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
its promsicious ppl! tt have aids!

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
YAR

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
it's lame..these excuses their pastors tell them when they have no other way to explain things

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
arrgh, what u just told me abt the way shujun feels is really demoralising

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
how abt pple who are born mentally handicapped?condemned by god for life issit?

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
THAT's RIGHT!

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
i mean

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
i think its really sad she said tt. cos u know what, i got talk to her abt me before and she keep gg on abt GOD and every moment alienating me further.

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
that's why.i was pretty shocked when she said that.i wanted to call u in to back me up when she wasnt totally convinced by my pt of view

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
oh u should've called!
Ah i discusssed this with her for HOURS before

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
really???

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
yeah, cos she thot i shld change

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
qt frustrating when god is always brought in

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
EXACTLY!!!! then they dont even want to listen to ur point of view and they dont understnad tt not EVERYONE is a chrisitian and belileves in what it says (btw, i think the BIBLe dosent condemn homosexua;ity)

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
and its quite bad cos all the ppl I've told are christians and most of them wanted me to change b4 and they gave 100%religious views on y i shld

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
like cant they see how much i've alr struggled to change in the past? and it sometimes makes me really feel lonely in class cos i only know 2 ppl who truly dont want me to change. u and ian and of cos some others outside class but their outside class

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
ok,i don't really know how it feels. but it really affects u a lot issit?wld the feeling be like a heterosexual in a gay environment?

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
yes EXACTLY you took the words right out of my mouth, that’s EXACTLY how i feel and i've described my situation like tt before

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
yes i know, but u've grown up in a mostly heterosexual environment since u were born so wouldn't u be used to it

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
yeah, im not. what makes things worse is tt most ppl disapprove of it, makes me feel like its somthg i shld be ashamed of and hide from

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
but i can help being me!and there's also very few accepting ppl like u who can offer an objective, not religiously biased point of view

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
i dont feel any different . .. untill pppl say i am and nd to be changed u noe?

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
sigh, am just looking for ppl who would understand now, cos tt's not many who will accept me

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
maybe u shld look for Christina. she’s objective. but at the same time i can tell that at the back of her mind she won't accept

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
yeah, i dont really dare try, cos recently those who know have made me quite demoralized abt other ppl accepting me
i dont want their reactions to occur again thru another person, unless i noe tt person wont reject me, LIKE YOU!

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
but have their reactions towards u changed?

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
some for the worse, cos they think tt by not believing in wat the bible says abt homosexuality, im sort of less 'worthy' as a friend, tt's the vibe i get, and though they say they accept me, and i can nvr tell for sure wat's gg on the back of their minds. as in, r u really accepting me? or r u just being a polite friend?

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
i really don know for sure

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
for me, looking at your blog,i know you're pretty sure of yourself. there’s this constant struggle with what u wanna stick to and pple trying to change u.i'm honestly telling u that i'm not going to force u to change. now its just for ME to change

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
yeah, and im quite frustrated cos it seems like theres this chasm btw me and some of those who know, cos i dont know wat they want from me or wat? i just wan to be myself, is tt so bad? why can't they accept and forget it? it doesn’t even bother them! and i know ZERO abt waht they honestly think of me at the moment.

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
and after hearing what u said abt shujun, i thot she accepted me, well, apparently not really

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
hey, u don mind i put this conversation on my blog? it might let some ppl see a diff point of view from a diff person

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
cos im the only one fighting to have my voice heard and there's no one to help me

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
but u must understand that it's difficult for a lot of pple who have been brainwashed by society's ideas on right and wrong, moral vs. immoral. at the same time try not to be overly suspicious because after revealing yourself its qt natural for YOU yourself to distance away from those who know..being unsure of their stand.

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
so how? wat should i do?
i dont know wat they think at all, and im afraid we might disagree if we talk and worse, i find out that they actually dont accept. how?

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
then its their loss to lose a friend. but convincing them can help.not by disagreeing with their pts of view, but rather by countering them

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
i've tried nus, but they keep enforcing the religious point of view by saying 'god says this god says that', and how am i suppose to counter tt when they think tt religious views is the only way? i cant convince them, and i dont wanna try anymore cos they themselves dont want to talk abt it anymore
i just care more abt what their opinion is of me at the moment.

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
cos, when they tried to change me, i became disillusioned abt my faith as well and dont even consider myself a christian anymore, they probably dont like the fact that i dont believe in the bible

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
pls lah.the bible or whatever religious writings were passed down since donkey years ago. I’m not saying that some things don't apply. BUT its all up to how pple interpret them. and the language in the past was different from that now so of cos opinions try to fit what society has become today.

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
yeah, hey, u don mind i put this conversation on my blog? it might let some ppl see a diff point of view from a diff person

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
haha, 'donkey' years, tt's funny!!

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
ya its ok. actually,you're right..its just impossible to change pples opinion.so the only need now is to know what their impression of u

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
but how?

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
i don't recomment this..but the only way is to go thru another person

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
hmmm, ok, but the thing is, i think they may not even know for sure cos they dont talk abt this anymore, evevn to each other i think

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
its like taboo eh..hmm.

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
yeah it sucks sometimes, to not know, and i dont know if what i see is what i get, or if its all pretense
i'd rather ppl be honest with me then 'act' polilte, when in the first place they dont even consider me 'fren' anymore

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
yeah..no wonder u love sc so much

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
hmmm, not really loving sc is two different things, but i also realise that sc ppl tend to be more understanding

hehe cheers to scgs!

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
like for example, now i know tt shujun feels this way, all the while i thot she was ok with me being myself alr

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
becos in NJ there a lot of pple,having grown up in mixed schs all their lives,are new to this idea

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
when i had tt conversation with sj i didnt noe she knew. no wonder she told me she went to consult her pastor.didnt realise that my blog entry(the one abt gay dolphins)cld rouse so much interest.

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
heh, and of cos her pastor gave her the religious view, w/o considering science at all
the thing is tt they nvr seem to want to confront the issue 'from all sides' , as in look critically at religion and science and THEN decide their view. no, once the pastor says its like tt, 'its like tt'!

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
but i heck care abt what other ppl think of homosexuality anymore lah, all i care is what they think of ME! many of them cannot understnad why the religious view on homosexuality has alienated me from my own religion

if nautical nonsense is something you wish writes:

EXACTLY!

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
YESSSS NUSSS!!!!
haha, im so happy tt u can understand!!!

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
yea i guess it is pretty tough juggling sexuality with religion

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
hmm true. but i was hoping tt once they get to know someone who was homosexual it would give them a more balanced/objective view on things

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
anw,i just wanna say..hey elsa if that’s what u really want,i can't and won't do anything abt it.just try not to let the thought of being an outcast consume u..because you're not if u don't wanna be.

ok,i gtg pick up a dictionary and eat lunch now

I LOVE MY SOFTBALL!!! says:
ok, thx for talking to me nus!!! THANKS!!

if nautical nonsense is something you wish says:
adios : )

If I ever go back to God one day. It'll be through here.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Exams are over!!!!! =)

But I have yet to face the music. My mom is gonna be very angry. Very. And I have some serious thinking to do about the state of my 's' papers. Am not sure if I will make the right choice at all. Or maybe even choosing not to do anything about it is the wrong choice! Ah, heck it. Let me have some peace for once.

After maths today, we went out to town. As usual of the class, we were extremely undecisive. Spent 10 minutes outside Isetan deciding where to eat. Then went up to Lido and spent 20 minutes deciding what movie to watch (which we didn't in the end). Then the final conclusion was to eat first at Crystal Jade. Hah, you would think that's the end of the story right? Wrong. We went down the excalator and just 40m away from Crystal Jade. Stop and discuss again. 5 minutes later of hemming and hawwing, we finally made it to Crytstal Jade . . . -_-

Haha, it's really silly sometimes how we can't even come to a consensus on where to eat and what to do. I mean, hey, we're 18 year olds.

Anyway, I went to Far East after that and stared and stared at earrings/accesories for sooo long, my eyeballs felt like popping out. Cos when you scrutinise/stare at something, you don't blink right? My eyes are very red now. Unfortunately, I was broke and many shops were closing. So I'm gonna go again tomorrow. I need some decoration on the ears soon! Infection's gone already! C'mon, c'mon, let me find some lambdas tomorrow!

------
CTs are over. Now let's get my life back on track. I got a million and one things to do. And a million and one distractions. I must start my search soon.

Do you paste posters in your room? Mine covers the walls so much you can barely see it (the wall I mean).

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Hmmm. I shouldn't be here. But I've somehow lost that mugger in me. Am seriously considering dropping 's' papers.

Sigh ...


A ton of thoughts steamroll through my brain, fighting for space and attention with chem memorisation. My sister played the piano today. It was weirdly, beautiful. For the first time, piano music moved me, and it's usually my least favourite music instrument. I think, it's becos she played it with heart. Maybe it reassures her. Maybe it's her escape from this world and the shit that surrounds and suffocates. Maybe when all seems hopeless and bleak, the only thing constant to her is the music. Yeah, keep the music alive.

She dosen't listen to the sermon tapes with the lively pastor anymore. That cross bracelet is gone forever . . . All I hear these days is the music. Drums. Piano.

Heheh, if someone was to be shocked when they discover that I'm not straight, that is only the tip of the iceberg dude. Only the tip. There is so much more. You know, I bet if we were to look at every individual classmate we see everyday, look behind their happy facades and smiles, behind the laughter and talk of shallow matter . . . we'll probably realise that there is a hell lot more going on under the surface. There are lots of skeletons in the closet. When we meet our friends' parents, and see their chirpy interactions, we might be fooled into thinking that what you see is what you get. Oh no, there's more under the surface.

If someone was to take just one glimpse into my family. You'll realise how dysfunctional it is. EVERYONE has a skeleton hidden somewhere. Mine's my sexuality. And that's pretty mild already. In fact, on the surface, I would seem like one of the more 'wholesome' members.

Ah well, at least we had a gathering of sorts today. Or more like I joined their gathering. Daddy's birthday. As he sat there, pot belly splayed in front . . . in front of the cake and the multitude of candles on it, Daddy became a small boy to me again. And it was I who helped put on the candles. Something about it being so brainless and mechanical just appealed to me. At least you didn't have to think while doing.

Oh, how I wish to forget!



Wow, talk about one of the most useless blog entries I've ever written.

----------


I want lots and lots of candles for my birthday cake!!! Smile. The world is a better place than you think it is. Focus on the happy. Focus. You can break out of this rut one day.

CHEER UP ELSA!!!! Dictate your happiness . . . It's all in my hands. All in my hands.

Monday, March 21, 2005

I wonder.

If I were to find someone one day, would you genuinely be happy for me? Would you wish me the same happiness and 'longevity of relationship', as you would, to another boy and girl friend in love? If I tell you I want to marry another girl one day, would you give me your blessings?

I really wonder. Hmmm.

I think, if you really can't accept. (Note: I'm not directing this to anyone in particular, just a general thought. ) If I have become different in your eyes, less 'desirable' friendship-wise compared to a 'straight' elsa, maybe . . .

. . . I'm better without you as a friend in the end.

This are hard questions that I ask myself. It's not easy being my friend really. In order to be a true friend to me, you got to go one step further . . . you got to be able to accept me as I am. But I guess not everyone can do that. The truth will show me the good from the bad. In a way, that is good for me. I don't want to live in the illusion that you are the 'good' friend I think you are.

If you really call yourself 'friend', then embrace Elsa as she is. Don't make my sexuality an issue. It is only a part of me. There are so many other parts. If it comes between our friendship than maybe you are the one blowing the issue way out of proportion, for it dosen't affect you.

Straight Elsa or gay Elsa. It's still the same Elsa.





This is me. Is it really so bad?

There are some days when I'm so tired of fighting. So tired of being. Sometimes, I feel like just bowing down to pressure . . . give up the ghost. It's so easy to . . . to just follow the crowd, and do what they would want you to do. Although it may not be what you want. Like when your friends all want to watch a certain movie but you really aren't interested. But you go anyway and spent, actually, wasted your money on the movie. Then you go home feeling a little less satisfied than usual.

But at least you got the approval of your friends. At least you didn't go home all alone, while the rest go out and enjoy themselves, away from you . . You know it'll be a waste of time, and that you'll accomplish more meaningful stuff at home. But you go anyway.

Deep down, you'd wished that they would watch those art house films with you instead. That's what really piques your interest. Not blockbusters or chick flicks or period films. You wished somebody would watch with you. But you know it's pointless to ask. They aren't interested.



Approval. Acceptance. By the crowd.

I had that in SCGS. I was as straight as you could possibly want.


But you should've seen me in SCGS. The reclusive nerd, who goes home after school everyday, to be in her own world. I was more a freak being 'straight' than being me.


What's ultimately good in the end? If I suddenly fell upon my knees and declared myself straight/ christian, would that make me more 'alluring' or 'safe' as a friend in your eyes? Would that make you happy and see me more . . . as a good person? Is a lie better than the truth? Look at the lie I perpetuate to Christina, yes, we are happy and carefree as friends. But are we really friends in the real sense of friendship? I think the true test of a friendship is whether you can still accept me and love me as usual, before I tell you my secret.


I am still the Elsa that you all knew. Sure, certain events have made me think harder. Made me more . . . antagonised. Oh, but wouldn't you be? If you were in my place?

When I think back on my SCGS days . . . yes, on the surface, it is better to live a lie. Faking's easy on the outside, but my heart never fakes to me. It's tough being a woman in Saudi Arabia . . . oh! the struggles that we face . . .

Shucks.

I just discovered two typo errors in my appeal letter to Mrs Cheng. YW has been 'corrected' by spelling and grammar check as 'Yawn'. My goodness, her name is now Yeo Yawn. In the title heading! And I typed 'shown' as 'showed'. Thank goodness, right before I printed out the thing I discovered my name had been altered to 'tao hailing'! What shit name is that man? Anyway, this is the last resort. *cross my fingers and hope as hell they make it* If they can stay, good. I would've stayed up writing the letter for 1 plus hour last night for an effective cause. If not, my rhetoric is not good enough to move Cheng. Either that or other appealies post serious competition.

Physics? Die. Maths? I might as well sign up for remedial now.

Can't wait for Wednesday! Yippy! Let's go out as a class! Then softball on thursday! Let's makan after that!
(But I'll be in zero mood to train if they fail to make it . . . =( )

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Anger.

Chill, elsa chill. Just chill. It's no point. Leave it. Don't let it get to you. It's as though there is now a switch in my body. Which can be so easily flicked on. I don't like it one bit. Not at all.

Stop. Relax.

STUDY!~

Saturday, March 19, 2005

Just wanna say . . .




F*ck.


You're not supppose to go snooping around on other people's things here. You're not suppose to! How dare you go and read my letters? How dare you? F*cking pissed. Hah, don't expect me to talk to you about anything soon. Oh no, I'm not gonna bring home shit from school.

Damn, I should've been more careful. But isn't this understood? You aren't suppose to do that! I don't need any of this trouble. F*ck. Now my mother thinks I have some 'relationship problem' and that my friends seem 'concerned' about me. Just f*ck lah, I think its quite obvious in those letters. Can't remember exactly but I'm pretty sure that's some word suggesting homosexuality in there.

Nevermind. Chill. Chill. As long as I keep quiet, there's nothing you can do. I'm sick of this. DON'T YOU DARE TRY AND BOTHER ME ABOUT THIS!

Went to watch the guy's match yesterday. Ate 'fresh' with the IP boys after that. Man, I'm loving Subway more and more. Haha, it was so ahem, interesting, to hear what IP boys got to say when they bump around together. Nobody holds back on the F words. The middle finger is wagged freely about. Everything's all raw and open. I like it sometimes that they don't really 'hold back' in front of girls unlike j2/j1 guys, cos it shows their 'true colours' and you know that their being 'au-natural' in front of you. And it also gets damn funny sometimes haha.

Reg was telling me how one of his classmates were so bored in some computer lesson, that he typed 'porn' into the search engine of the computer. And guess what? There really was a folder in the computer named 'porn'. Guess what again. There really was porn inside the folder! My goodness! Somebody should like check what's saved in the computers. That was so blatant! Hmm, maybe we should all type incriminating queries into school computers and see what turns up.

Later, Vietnam Boy was like talking about cresc's best friend pair, who named themselves L I L O and S T I T C H (apparently they're quite famous, I overheard sec school girls in the bus mentioning 'softball' and the cresc pair. They stand out cos of their jersey names). He was like saying there's another good-looking cresc girl, jersey number 26, L I L O, and Reg was like nodding his head, knowing look in his eyes, 'Oh yeah, yeah . . .". (And secretly I was 'yeah, yeah too!' haha, she really is super cute. I noticed last year already when she pitched against me, long before the guys did =) )

Then Vietnam Boy went, " But S T I T C H is DAMN ugly man. Damn ugly!" Haha! You should've seen the way he said it, so serious (eyebrows furrowed) and emphasize on the 'damn'. Reg was like agreeing too and nodding even more. It was like one moment they were discussing good-looking girls, then switch! to the other end of the beauty spectrum . . . Man, the whole scene was hilarious, I was laughing and choking on my Subway. Okay, maybe I didn't exactly 'choke' on Subway. But Vietnam Boy's expression was priceless. Absolutely.

And the paradox here is that L I L O and S T I T C H are best friends. But one is way hot, the other is way, heheh, the boys said it best.


*Apparently, R affles also got good looking girls (PT was like advertising that fact on his MSN nickname). Note to self: Be on the lookout when we play against them tomorrow. Heehee!*

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Toying with ideas . . . .



Some days I wish I could turn into a boy . . . then most of my troubles would be solved.




But then again.



Why would I want to give up being a girl. Wouldn't I want to know. . . what it feels like for a girl? *chuckle* That's a Madonna song there. But then as a boy, the love I have in mind wouldn't be the same. No it couldn't. But THEN AGAIN, at least I can get the target.

Maybe.

------------

Diamonds are a girl's best friend


It's snowing at night. The stars are shining.

There's a big, and shiny jewellery store along the street. Its bright interiors and shiny window displays, calls out to you. Warm and inviting.

Beckoning . . . calling your name. . .

But when you come close to the windows. All is silence. In fact, it almost seems hostile up close. Don't press your fingers on the glass! You are leaving ugly prints! But there upon the display lays diamonds. Expensive, shiny, glittering diamonds. They are cut perfectly. Absolutely sublime. You drown in its facets.

They seem to shine just for you. The glass between you and the diamonds becomes a growing irritance. A barrier between you and happiness that seems thicker by the second. You are drifting further from the diamonds. . . So near yet so far . . .

Oh how you long to enter the shop! But alas, not in your beggar clothes! You are not fit to enter the shop! You do not deserve that priviledge. . . The immaculately dressed sales lady, you know she would not entertain you. Shoo! Shoo! Begone you urchin!

Imagination's not that far from reality. You know better than to try . . .

But all you want in the world are those diamonds. All you'll ever want. Sure, its pointless. Why look when you can never have? Someone should just tear you away from this place. But oh, don't I at least have the liberty of looking? I am merely looking . . . No harm. But it still aches anyway.

Standing there, entranced, dirty palms pressed against the glass. Who cares what the sales lady would say? If she shoos me away then I'll leave. But now let me have my moment. Your face is only an inch away from the glass. Mist from your breathe, leaves its mark upon it, blurring your view. You wipe it off eagerly, with the cuff of your sleeves. And the beautiful diamond comes into clear view again. Into your sight. . .

Then you realise . . . that the diamond is residing inside, in that splendid box, in a room full of fireplace warmth and comfort. That diamond will adorn someone else's gloved finger one day. Maybe it already does. The shop owner just wanted to display it becos of its brilliance. But it's Not For Sale. Whether the diamond is bought or not. It is Not For Sale. Not to you.

And there you are . . . standing out there in the freezing winter cold, in your beggar's clothes. So many diamonds have come and gone, in this window display. None ever belonged. Not even when you tried to pay.



You could never afford. Was never meant to anyway . . .

-------




I could smash that glass that holds me back.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

I've been in the groggiest of states lately.

You know sometimes, when you lie upon a bed/sofa/couch and study, you inevitably get lazy, and sooner than you think, you are dozing off to dreamland? I try to limit myself to power naps. But they never work, cos its like trying to pull yourself out of molten cement when you try to wring the clutches of sleep from you. Today, I had one of the weirdest and most vivid dream sequences while trying to do just so.

*Note: Earlier in the day, after my sapphire mock interview, I rushed down to the thai noodle house to join my beloved softballers. Even though my ankles were hurting from chaffing of the court shoes. Bah! The things I do to spend time with my favourites!~ *

Everything had to do with food. There was us in the thai noodle house, discussing how we can take our post-softball culinary adventures/bonding sessions one step further, into uncharted territory. Somebody suggested the Orchard Road area. RX mentioned some good and cheap teppanyaki that she had (imagine! us eating teppanyaki after training!), Joyce said some place I can't recall.

*Fast forward to next scene*

Me and nana were in NJ canteen. There was a Delifrance stall over there. Its menu was hanging above my head (strangely, it looked a hell lot like the new pick-a-wich). I tried to convince nana to eat Delifrance with me. She took wayyy long to decide . . . .

*Return to the noodle house*

Now YW was whispering something into RX's ear. I think it was another food suggestion, but I could be wrong. I suspected it could be about Leon. It was then the realisation dawned upon me that we were in very exciting times for softball. A new era of dining opportunites presented themselves to us, as we usher in a new trend in softball social thought! We were now moving on beyond Coro and its limited options! (Somehow, I have a sneeky feeling this dream sequence was triggered by Manda when she suggested we go Adam's Road hawker centre next time)

*More inane stuff*

Me and my sis were now at a warehouse sports apparel sale. The clothes are quite cheap, and Tong appears to spoil the whole thing by saying he can find cheaper elsewhere . . . Nana has finally decided on some shepherd's pie thing which has cream gravy on top. I decided to get the same . . . The backdrop behind YW, RX and Joyce at the thai noodle house has turned into that of a cinema theatre, complete with plush purple carpets. The table of the eatery was still in the foreground of the picture. I think my mind was trying to imagine us (incompletely) in Orchard already . . . Now my eyes were slowing starting to open, I was gaining subconsciousness. . . There was still something in my mouth. It's a prawn. The one that Melissa was last eating from her tom yam bowl. It's quite big, and no matter how I bit down, it always slid to another corner of my mouth. In fact, I find I can't close my mouth quite properly. So the prawn was just slipping about inside. I realised later that happened becos my mouth was open in sleep. That's why I can't bite!

Then the heavy curtains of sleep lifted . . . and I picked up my chemistry notes once more. . .


-------

Softball is getting wackier. We have a new fruits and vegetables naming system for jerseys. There are 3 softballers in my class. We are called Banana, Melon and Papaya. These are the actual names that will appear on our competition jerseys. Guess who's who? =)

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Sometimes, I'm just so thoroughly sick of questioning. I know I can never find answers. Yet the barriers to faith are glaring question marks in my face. Like how the Bible's idea of creation and life contradicts with the hard science of evolution these days. Did Mankind started out in the Middle East? Like the Bible said? What about ancient stone relics and others in Latin America etc, which dates older than Adam and Eve themselves. Who built them then? Could anybody, answer my questions?

As I've mentioned, a good christian should not be fickle and pick only the nice parts of the Bible that they want to believe. So am I suppose to ignore the neanderthals and many others? Must I believe ALL of the Bible? How can you expect me to believe? When everyday, I read about the possibility of Life on Mars, of 10,000 year old corpses being discovered? With the irrefutable evidence of science all around me? How do you expect one to have faith? On something that can't be proven unless I meet God himself? (heheh, do you know what it feels like when you feel that your God has abandoned you?) How could christians stand it when they read about heretical ideas of evolution and science, all these goes against the Bible? How can you read . . . and then ignore? Do christians enter anthropology museums, and then shut their eyes so that they won't see the obviously 'fake' exhibits of dinosaurs? How can christians talk about hard science and history on one hand, then enter the church and worship? Do you know that seems very two-faced to me?

I just realised that making myself believe in God is harder than previously thought, cos now comes to me that question of whether God actually exists. I never really questioned God, till I started searching for my answers to the homosexuality issue. (Is it fair to consider that I am a sinner? Must I change for God?) Then I really looked at the Bible in depth, and didn't understand all that I see. The Bible has too many, too many loopholes. I'm beginning to question if the people who wrote it really had divine guidance. Why would God allow Paul to write such things about women? Don't He love us women at that time too? I know we can also go to God through Jesus, but does this means that I can ignore the Bible, as it might be less reliable? Why then, does the modern church still hold on steadfastly to Bible tenets?



How exactly, does one be A GOOD CHRISTIAN? I do not think that ignoring the world around you is the answer. You simply CANNOT ignore that which is black and white. That then would be called denial. If I am to be a christian, I would rather be a good one than a 'blind' one (is this possible?). My faith has to be as solid as a rock! And you cannot build foundations without something concrete to suppport it. Then I wouldn't question God again, whereas there are still many 'faithful' who question God from time to time. Many christians these days cannot even build up a logical defense of the Bible (only the youth pastor can do that partly, and ONLY partly), is it becos they have never asked themselves the really hard questions? I think you need to answer those questions first before true faith can materialise. I seriously wonder, has any christian here, ever thought seriously and hard about the issues I raised? (Or maybe you thought about it for awhile, and then toss it to the back of your head?). How can a christian both choose to believe in religion and science at the same time? Both are fundamentally at odds with each other! (the theory of evolution is a very basic one that forms the foundation of many anthropological/biological research today) I will not be a fairweather kind of christian (only see the good, discard the rest), cos it's these kind of people which give christianity a bad name. This is another kind of hypocrisy.

How many christians here believe in evolution? (As a good christian, you cannot say you believe! My pastor told me that himself! He said evolution was untrue. Is it?)



Christian scientist. That very phrase is an oxymoron.

-------

Its true. Ignorance is B L I S S. I could do that, you know. I really could. It's the easy thing to do. So long as I never read the Bible again, or step into a church, I would never have doubts about christianity. I would never again question God and the Bible (cos in church, they would most definitely have Bible studies. And as I flip the pages of the Bible, the loopholes in it glare out at me, and compel me to ask my pastor. But I know he can never give me the perfect answer, the one true answer, that I seek). Out of sight, out of mind.

I could do that you know, I really could. And then I would also stop blogging about my questions about christianity, and antagonise/perplex less people. There'll be less trouble, cos I know some people may take what I say here personally, when I talk about the Bible in a less positive light (in the first place these are my questions not yours). I can do that. I can just ignore. Okay, I shall cease to blog about God. I will not mention that again. The questions end here, I've said almost all of them anyway. No more talk about religion. I can do that. Not to think of it and ponder. Just shove everything aside and not care. Yes, the word is 'care'. I bothered to look hard at christianity and the Bible becos I 'cared'! Now, I should just stop. The christian debate ends here.

I could walk away from all this forever, walk away from God. . . . and never look back.

Monday, March 14, 2005

Today after softball, I was faced with a dilemma.

To go? Or not to go? That is the question.

Damn I wanted to go! I adore my leeettle juniors (okay, maybe they're not that little, they're smaller in age but NOT in size!) =) ! Sigh, really wanted to hang out with them and just forget CTs. Sometimes, when you wanna get away from shitty college life, your only outlet is your cca.

But then I had no money. And worse, mommy was coming to fetch . . . and my phone battery has died. And she wasn't answering my calls to her on nana's phone. I also know she will absolutely flip at me if I tell her to turn the car around and go home herself. She would scream down the phone, and complain about the horrendous U-turn she has to make at the Bukit Timah Road blah blah blah.

And most importantly, I should be saving my money (since I lost my wallet) and not pig out after softball after every morning training! (Free flow of drinks at Prince is extremely tempting after a hot, sweaty work-out in the mid-day sun. But Elsa, elsa, steady yourself girl, you can go home and drink ice water . . .)

Everybody went to Coro apparently, the guys and girls teams, the seniors, and even the lion dance troupe. The girls ate at some Thai noodle house, while I pumped petrol with Mommy and sis. . . Sigh . . . I wished I could go! Didn't study much after coming home anyway, my mind is clouded with a billion (useless at this moment) thoughts anyway.

I really want to spend time with my juniors. . . I realised that they actually make me very happy and they make me laugh!~ Especially 'blur-queen' YW, xiao mei W from IP and steph with her never-ending 'cold' jokes! And also gaming aficiondos Li and Joyce. . . Sigh, they actually make me feel younger! I think you said something like that to me manda, and yeah, it is true! They do make us feel younger eh? You don't know what you've lost till its gone. I don't wanna find that out. I don't want any of my cresc girls to leave. One can ptich, one can bat, the last one can basically do anything. I'd just die if any of them leaves. My moral would plunge man (and if mine plunges, how would that affect the rest?). Stay! Oh please let them stay! They dropped from the sky onto my lap, and not only do they offer skill to the team, they offer . . . bonding, and fun and laughter, and some sort of friendships outside class.

*Gives juniors a big telepathic squeeze!*

This SRC period is really one of the few instances when seniors and juniors can bond in a spontaneous manner. And I most definitely can't go out after Wednesday, cos got interview.

SRC is the only period of the year which hypes you up about softball to boiling point. Nothing beats the sight of 7-8 teams on the Padang all dressed smartly (and menacingly) in their crisp uniforms. Nothing beats watching so many teams slug it out at once. It really feels like there is a whole sub-culture of people playing and enjoying softball in Singapore. You don't see much of the softball sports culture in NJ, cos there is only the resident softball team playing.

Arrgh! I don't care. Screw studying this Friday. The girls have no game on Friday, but I'm gonna come down and support the guys . . . I also want to watch some really cool and spectacular softball action. Cos when men play softball, everything suddenly becomes so fast, so exciting, so . . . breatheless. And the pitches are just so incredibly . . . piao liang! Alot of people think softball is a boring game where the players just stand around.

Come to SRC and watch man, you'll see a different story.



I still love my softball! =)



------

*Sometimes I feel like I am speaking to a wall when I talk to someone. People never fail to confuse me.*

I have one simple question: Is it wrong of me to question? About the Bible or christianity?

I just want to find some answers. . . I want to find truth. Am I wrong in doing so?



-------


* My cousin has a quote: Life is a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel . . .*

(please, the above quote has in NO WAY got anything to do with the beginning sentences on top. It seems that lately, people have begun to miscontrue the things I say and take it as antagonism. Seriously people, there is no need to feel that way. I AM NOT here to antagonise, only to ask . . . . which brings me back to the start of this entry)

Darn! My sister knew that they were having some MTV Bjork special last night.

And she didn't tell me!

My goodness, they were showing soo many videos! Bjork videos! How rare is that? Gosh, all the things I'm missing. . .

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From the ensuing and heated debate about actions and its underlying motives, I have decided (after comparing all the differing views) that selfishness is NOT the only motive. It is only one of the many factors. For some cases, self-interest may be a much larger factor, such as when we go overseas and study, or when we buy presents for friends (hoping to be treated nicely in return too, cos one cannot give and give and expect zilch in return. There is always that expectation, no matter what. Truthfully peoeple, look into your hearts and let's be honest, do you not treat others well, cos you want to be treated that way too? You reap what you sow . . .)


BUT for some cases, self-interest is a MUCH lower reason for the action. For example, anonymous people saving anonymous victims. That is REAL (but not 100%) selflessness. The man who dies for the person he does not even know, is as selfless as humans can get already. (And do we not see that nicely in the Bible when Jesus sacrifices himself for us?). BUT again, for the parent that saves his dying child. There is MORE self-interest here, than that compared to the anonymous man. Why? Cos the child is his source of love and comfort and emotional happiness. His child makes him happy. Losing his child would make him very sad indeed. However, who cares if the anonymous person dies? It dosen't affect us!

Therefore, a very selfless person is the person who helps the stranger.

For the rest of us, whose actions are centred around those who know us and are close to us. There is more self-interest in your actions than you think (or choose to admit up to). We love our girlfriends and boyfriends with a large amount of selfishness, truly. Have you heard the phrase, if you really loved them, you would let them go? How many of us can really do that? Can you see now the inherent selfishness in love? Love is selfish. That is another famous quote on love, you know. . .

In the past, I used to think that the SOLE driving factor behind all human actions were self-interest. But now, not anymore. My view has changed somewhat. Now, self-interest is one of the intrinsic driving forces of human action. For every action we take, self-interest is present in varying degrees. It cannot be excluded out entirely, BUT neither is it the only reason.

Thank you for your enlightening views people. =)



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If I could fall from the stars
Straight into your arms. . .

Questions.

As my old doubts get cleared, new ones emerge. Not that it is a bad thing, in fact, its good! The youth pastor herself said that its always good to question, cos it shows that you are thinking and not a 'hu lun tun zhao' kind of christian. The one who just nods their head and say,' yes, yes'. In other words, having zero opinion on the interpretation of God's word.

I didn't really get to clear this up when I talked to her. If Man are imperfect, and Man wrote God's word i.e. the Bible, does this not make the Bible fundamentally imperfect? Why that would account for the existence of redundant and irrelevant material such as Paul's narrow view on the submissiveness of women. It does not apply to us today, and yet, it is still in the Bible! Does that then mean that certain parts of the Bible too might be irrelevant? But who are we to tell for sure? Since we are imperfect in our interpretation?

Isn't this then the biggest paradox of christianity? How we guide ourselves with God's interpreted word, and yet it is an imperfect one. How would I know I am truly living the, 'godly' life? Am I really a role model christian if I follow the tenets of the Bible? Tenets which are interpreted by the church community as a whole, and as we all know, even the youth pastor told me that entire churches can interpret things wrongly (this accounts for the 101 church denominations existing now).

For example, the Catholics believe that the bread and wine in holy communion would literally become the blood and flesh of christ in our stomache, to other christians, that is just a symbolic act of remembrance for Jesus' sacrifice. Catholics believe that contraception is wrong and that we cannot divorce. However, christians allow for both. Who am I to believe? Which way would lead me to the Godly life? As a Protestant, it would be okay if I use contrapception. But Catholics would think of me as sinning, for I am using the sacred act of life creation for pleasure! So the question is, am I really sinning? Who is right?

There's more. Genesis tells us the world is created in 7 days. Is that 7 human days spanning only 24 hours? Or is it 7 'godly' days, each of which may span millenia? Also, the virgin birth. Is it literally a virgin conception? Or is it symbolic of something other than sexual purity? Maybe its symbolic of divine purity instead? How could we truly know? Unless we are Mary or God himself!?! My point is, people can interpret the Bible in a myriad of ways. From whom can I really seek guidance, and ultimately, can that person's interpretation be trusted? I could visit a 100 pastors and get say, 15 differing opinions on some matters. 100 versus 15 may only be a small fraction, but that's fourteen ways of living too many! There can only be ONE WAY according to God! I guess I would never know unless I meet God himself? (Do you know, that the Gnostics, an early christian sect, believes that the only way to God is through self? The gnostics were erradicated by the church becos many christian factions/denominations were vying for spiritual supremacy at that time. They all wanted everyone to believe that their doctrine was the only way. The real christian way.)

One more thing, why is it EVE who was the first to sin? And Adam, the first one created? Eve was made from Adam's rib. Does this mean that woman are part of man? That we came from man and are not separate entities on our own? And there is also a biblical phrase, which states that becos women were the first to sin, the pain of childbirth is sort of our redemption/ repayment of that sin (1 Timothy 2:14 And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. But women will be saved through childbearing-if they continue in faith, love, holiness and propriety. Hmm, I guess we can't really pay much attention to this phrase cos this is part of the Bible which is redundant in our day and age. All christians should just dismiss this part as the thinking of the times. The truth spoken here is NOT everlasting! We suffer to bring life into this world! Becos it was women who first sinned!



If God meant for us to know him through the Bible, why is not eveyrthing written in it, applicable for all times? Why are certain 'truths' not everlasting and forever, like God himself? If certain parts were written due to the culture of that time, maybe, JUST MAYBE, the prejudice against homosexuality is also an 'old-fashioned' ideology? Just like the submissiveness of women idea is an outdated one?

WHO ARE WE TO KNOW FOR SURE????

(That is why, before you condemn homosexuality and tell that to others, ask yourselves, who are YOU to know for sure? How would you ever know whether homosexuality is right or wrong? Unless God gives you a holy vision? Please enlighten people, I am perplexed by the things you tell me. Before you can convince a skeptic, you must see the skeptic's point of view. But then again, I guess straight people can never understand. Not that I blame anyone on that. Just don't come and tell me that the Bible says homosexuality is wrong, therefore blah blah blah. . . Read your Bible carefully and interpret with your imperfect minds! Some people may say that becos the community as a whole interprets the Bible as saying homosexuality is wrong, therefore this view is to believed. It's not just one person's view, but an entire community's view. This is the reason the youth pastor gave me for the church's conclusion that homosexuality is wrong. This is also puzzling. Does it make a difference that this is many people's view and not just one person? Does extra numbers make this view then valid? For example, there are whole tribes in Papau New Guinea and elsewhere which condones and partakes in cannibalism. Does this then make cannibalism okay? Since the whole community there believes it so? This also contradicts what she told me earlier that churches themselves can interpret things wrongly. Maybe, instead of interpreting things wrongly as an indivdual, we are now interpreting wrongly as a group?)

It seems that all those who do Bible study only do studies on the safe topics, the happy and positive ones? Maybe for some people, the verses that perplex me, they have probably never seen before in their years of Bible study. That's why your faith is not challenged people, it has always been a smooth ride. You have not seen adversity and barriers which make you seriously question the Bible. I could point out a dozen serious loopholes, and those loopholes confound me, and make me question the Bible. You cannot tell me not to ignore them! How can I? (If I am to be a christian, I would choose to be a good one, and not the stagnant christian who never moves from their place, and pick what they choose to believe in the Bible)

Consider the dinosaurs? How do we explain their existence? God certainly did not mention them in creation of the world, in Genesis. And if humanity started from Adam, then through others like Cain and Abel, were they not all born in the Middle East? What about neanderthals? The discoveries of human corpses preserved in ice and as old as 10,000 years? On top of mountains? Far away from the Middle East where humanity supposedly started, 2000 years ago? How could christians turn a blind eye to such discoveries? Then there are the planets. How about aliens? Do christians believe in aliens? Are we allowed to? Maybe God created other beings other than us, how would we know for sure?

Do you know that, by right, if you are a good christian, you should not believe in the theory of evolution? Becos the Bible paints a different picture of humanity's origin. If that's the case, alot of biological and scientific discoveries these days would be void, becos the christian view is that evolution does not exist! We did not start from monkeys people, we were moulded in representation of God. Why then, do I have this useless stump of a tailbone at my ass? Why I do I not have wings? Like angels? Why? Why? Why?

Another why: If God created us so that we can love him, why not make us perfect? We hurt him so much with our sinning and imperfection. He had to make his son die on the cross for us. My question is, is it all necessary? All this suffering and pain? All God had to do was make us perfect and we would love him unconditionally, perfectly. And there wouldn't be skeptics like me in this world, who rejects him becos we find it hard to believe? Is it becos that if we become perfect, we would be gods ourselves? (cos only God is perfect right?)

Are we an experiment?

Then again, I could never fathom God's plan. Maybe the imperfections of this world, in all things, including the church, Bible, is really a test of my faith. Would I still believe and more importantly love God, despite all this erroneous ideas of him?

This brings me to my main point. Maybe the way to God is not through the Bible (please people, put down your swords and knives, I know you are ready to slaughter me for my blasphemy!).

God is metaphysical, cos we cannot discern/'feel' him through this physical world (I can't touch God and feel him!). Am I right?

BUT the Bible is physical, it is a worldly object. It has the erm, for lack of a better word, taint of humanity's sinful and imperfect nature on it. And people interpret it so messily and convulated that really, how can a good and inquisitive christian who truly wants to find God know which to believe? ( Roman Catholism? Protestanism? Lutheran? Methodist? Baptist? Which speaks the one true word?)

Recall: There can only be ONE WAY. The Godly way. But this world today, has so many ways . . . all becos of differeing interpretations of the Bible.

I think, the only true way, is through the metaphysical, if you are in God's realm, then you can feel him! So as a christian, I should not pour 100% of my faith into the Bible, as it is not a true, pure 100% representation of God's word.


If I seek God, it will be through the metaphysical. The Bible may guide, but its only and ONLY a guide in the end. . . .

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Thank you to all those who have taken time out to read this long drivel, I hope you have done so with an open mind. I am not here to antagonise. I am only here to question.

To ask.

If you are offended. Too bad then, you choose to read my words this way. Your views are welcome, I'd love to hear what you have to say . . .

Debate! Debate!