Monday, February 28, 2005

Today, I was forced to do some oral test-run with my sister. It basically consists of me having to actually sit through an oral exam with my sis as an examiner, and the entire thing is tape-recorded.

Talk about a waste of time man. But haha, it was quite hilarious cos the silly twit kept laughing about my reading throughout the entire ordeal. And that made me laugh as well! I also sound super off during the playback of the tape recorder, and there was alot of background giggling! In fact, I had to tape the recording three times to keep the giggling to an acceptable minimum. Anyway, my sis said I was quite good at the picture part =), same can't be said for the reading section though . . .

Training today was quite fun, cos we got to bat using the pitching machine lots. Though we still didn't get to do much fielding, which was what I was hoping for (cos that's arguably the least trained aspect of softball).



Moving on, I shall start ranting now on self-centred stuff that have assualted me today (can't believe so much shit can happen in one day!).

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On an angrier note, we lost 2 mizuno jerseys today! When L told me the discovery, I couldn't stop cursing like mad. They cost $62 in total lah! And worse still, they are on loan from this really fierce non-NJC coach. Boy, I really hate to have to break the news to him, I'll probably get yelled majorly in the face. Oh man, please reappear magically! Please! And I was the one who decided we should keep the jerseys outside cos I thought no one will take! Cos the dryfit shirts left blatantly on the bench has not been stolen so far! ARGH!! Should have really paid attention to all the softballer accounts of people stealing their boots! There are really theives in NJC! (and Joane told me that it could be an insider job, cos, well, who would rummage through the softball area with the purpose to steal something? And coincidentally, the XL and L jerseys are lost, which means that guys must have took it. Hah! So typical of bastard men!) I can't believe they took my, inconspicuously hidden in plastic bag, jerseys! I A-M S-O D-E-A-D! Don't think it was left on the grandstand on Saturday, cos the guys said they didn't see anything there before they left. Hai . . . I know that this is mostly negligence on my part and the whole team might have to pay for my slip-up! Damn, I feel bad! Grrrr, if I ever find out the bastard who stole our jerseys . . .

My stupid ear infection is causing me worry. The bottom part has like fused! I can't get an earring through. Please don't close! Please! I just pierced for only a few months and I haven't even worn the earrings that I intend to buy! Arrgh! Have to keep washing the hole. Worse come to worse, I'll visit B'dazzle. Just don't close. . . . please. . .

Sigh . . . my poor dearest softball juniors . . . have to appeal again! And this time, its gonna be way, way harder man. Especially when the scores are worse this time around! I don't wanna see them go at all! I've been so used to them already, and alot hinges on them as well. If they leave, team moral would most definitely drop to an all-time low. Their presence spurs us to train harder. And that's the reason we have 4 times a week training now and the pitching machine. There is so much more chance this year! Oh, please don't make everything go to waste. Sigh . . . I know we shouldn't be banking on the cgs girls too much, but realistically speaking, softball is quite an individual sport, all I need is one good pitcher to boost things up dramatically. Man, let them stay! I'd rather lose the darn jerseys than lose the wearers of the jerseys! Arrgh!! And to think I was starting to take for granted that they will be stay in NJC. No please . . . must have both, one cannot do without the other! It would seem incomplete!! There is no time to produce another pitcher-catcher pair for nationals, frankly speaking. This thing takes months to train! I need a miracle, please, grant me one . . .

And great, just great. I left my econs TYS in school (or at least I think I did, haven't seen it in weeks! I hope its still there, somewhere, lurking in class). Now I can't do econs homework. And a more troubling thought is that I might've lost it! And all the notes inside! ARRGGGHHH!!!

Lastly, to top off all that bad shit and misfortune that befell me today. . . . the dirty medicine ball was pressed onto my cheek during PE today.


And now I have a pimple there.


What the hell.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

I AM SERIOUSLY PISSED.

It's so bloody infuriating. Damnable earring. I think I'm getting an ear infection. Like wtf? There's dried pus from my earhole. And it stings slightly. Had to remove the lousy piece of shit metal today and drown the earhole in antiseptic alcohol. Okay, pardon the swearing and curses, but I took such meticulous and thorough care of my earlobes after the piercings, only to get an infection because of cheap earrings! Yeah! NEVER EVER BUY $2 EARRINGS PEOPLE. I'm going to be extremely selective in buying earrings next time. In the past, I only really bothered about design when buying, but now, the freaking reputation of the shop matters! NEVER BUY FROM THOSE SILLY LITTLE TEMPORARY PUSHCARTS SELLING JEWELLERY AT BARGAIN PRICES!

ARRGH! So troublesome! Humans just HAD to err in order to learn!

And I still want my lambda and rainbow earrings. Big wish is to trawl Far East soon with somebody, anybody, to look for them (sister has no patience with me when it comes to buying earrings).

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Stupid scab. I accidentally scratched it off today while taking off the long socks after the match. Immediately there was quite abit of blood coming out the hole. It reminds me of the colour of deep red lipstick. When I think of lipstick, I equate it to other things . . . Lipstick => Maybelline ads => luscious, moist lips => kisses!


Haha, amazing how something painful can turn sensuous.

Mmm, makes me think that what E said would be right. I'd feel right at home with the mindless sfiveb guys. They kinda remind me of a classmate in Sec1, whose name incidentally sounds like "f*cking". She was damnably funny, and always horny. There was once she sat atop the teacher's table with her legs wide open and I asked her what she was trying to do . . . shall not mention what she told me. But then again, it made not be as sick as you think. It's just not appropriate to say here, some people, might *ahem* . . be offended. There was also alot of silly, "lezy" things. Like her telling me to 'watch out, elsa' when one pal revealed her bisexuality. And us fooling around and screaming sick stuff along the corridor and suddenly~! Mrs (muah) Chee, an old prude for a teacher, was behind us. Haha, but that can't compare to my junior's school. We are pious saints compared to them over there. Today after softball, heard alot of crooked gossip about cgs from ying. And even my junior agrees that its pretty true, and that NJ is 'too straight lah'. Hell yeah man. So uppity about such things. What's the big deal man, this is the real world.

Well, on another note. Pigged out majorly at coro today. I thought we should go there cos there will be free flow of drinks, which I seriously need after training. And this time, Ms Chu opened the tennis court gates for us so we don't have to trek all the way to main gate! Can't wait for Monday when all the j1s will drain out of school and NJC will rightfully belong completely to the j2s' dominance again. Might wanna check out the pool table (reason being student lounge wouldn't be swarmed by pesky j1s for once).

Sigh. Visited the class blog again. It's quite sad . . . nobody updates anymore. Maybe its becos everybody got their own blogs already. And more so cos we are all busy now and have no time for updating . . . or keeping in touch. This year is passing me by so fast. Worst than Sec 4. In a blink of an eye, it's almost March already. First 3 months is drawing to a close. More new j1s will arrive, others will leave. Common test is coming, so is SRC. Everything's just zooming by so fast, I don't even have time to catch my breathe, or stop and just enjoy the moment for that little while. Can't even really reflect on all that's happened. My everyday tasks are crammed to the max. It's always study in lessons/lectures, then softball, doing homework (or more like attempt doing homework), speed-eating in canteen. When I come back home, it's only a transient period of rest and reprieve before I go back to my real 'life' in NJC. In fact, home feels more like the 'waiting room', where I wait for my appoinment with the doctor again, day after day. Its just like public transport, another tool to facilitate my one and only purpose of studying.

And right now, I'm even missing the one thing that mesmerised me in j1 (to the point that I was so caught up with it, I forgot about the paper chase and lost my faith in chasing such ultimately useless goals).

Where have all those wonderful conversations gone?

What time do we all have now? To just sit down, in the canteen, with drinks and food for fuel, and just . . . like . . talk? About anything in the world? Discovering wonderful insights about each other, laugh like silly hyenas over jokes which I would forever remember and reminisce upon? To go out after school and hang out in town, or to manda's for mahjong and forced xbox for unfortunate guys. Where have the people-bonding gone to?




To dust, I guess.

Yeah, that's the beautiful thing that I discovered in j1. That its not your brains, or your academic results that truly matter in this existence. We spent hours upon hours everyday, chasing the one thing that will gurantee the continuance of our life. Chasing the means to live. To work and earn money, to support the family. So much that it connsumes us and makes us mindless zombies. Yeah, that's what I feel like, a mindless zombie. If that's the case, then I guess I'm not really living, by chasing after survival 24/7 and not really knowing what it means to be human and to be alive. Its such a waste I think, that we humans, unlike animals, are blessed with consciousness, higher intellect and the ability to think. And yet, we act like base animals, only barely surviving. Oh, the cruel neccessities of this world. Is there anything that we could do to change it? I'd be too idealistic . . . (this is also why I have the utmost pity for the serious lone mugger. I am truly baffled how enriched their brains are but not their real human psyche, that which dictates us to be social beings. No man is an island)

Oh, I guess I haven't really answered what it was that swept me away in sec 1.

Well, its people. Yeah, people. Its people that make me feel truly alive. Its the camaderie, the bonding, the shared interests, complaints, jokes, pet peeves and experiences. Everything. Its just so beautiful. No matter the good, bad or downright ugly experiences with people I've had. They all enrich me nonetheless. In sec school, I didn't bother with people much. Cos I was still searching for myself within. Still trying to find the real me and my place in this world. But I avoided issues and buried myself in work instead. Cos, ignorance is bliss sometimes. By poking my head into the sand, I would think that certain things didn't exist. That's called denial.

Heh, I found wonderful people in sc. But I think, if I did spent a little more time on personal relationships then, I would've found even better ones. Just as I have discovered wonderful people in NJ now. Who would've thought the mugger school would provide me with something that I wouldn't normally associate with muggers? Friends who think deep. Ok, maybe that cannot compare to the deep-ness of some sc friends I've had, but surprisingly, we are on the same wavelength. Ahh, how I wish we could have a class outing once more . . . just so we can all sit around and talk, hold hands together and sing "Cum-ba-ya" . . .

But more importantly, how I wish that the friends I've found now will last forever, as long as I live. How I wish I could have them forever. But like how all things seem transient and temporary to me, I might be too idealistic. We could drift apart, slowly fade away from each other after the 'A's. Out of sight, out of mind. Isn't that sad? I hope that never happens. I'm still young . . and therefore idealistic. I still want all of us to be together in the end. I want for us, to be able to laugh and talk the way we used to, 20 years down the road and still feel at home with one another. And especially, I want for us to be in touch. Always. Don't wanna fade out after JC, having to start a 'new' life all over again in university.

I want for us to be together . . . forever. Especially those who have seen me, deeper and more intimately than others. Those who really know me. Sigh, pessimism resurfaces again. I find the one thing that I hold dear in this life, slipping slowly away from me day by day, drowned out in the everyday routine of life. It just so kills the human spirit.

Love, in all its forms, dosen't make the world go round. But its what I chase around the world for . . .



Say that you'll never run too far away
Even with all the answers out there
Where it's brighter but no one will care
Half as much as I care about you. . .


(Oh, and assisted pull-ups is fun . . better than the inclined shit =) )

Friday, February 25, 2005

Today's talentime was much better than last year. There were many interesting and amusing performances. I really liked the FHM one! Haha, that was seriously whacked. And as for dance, KH can actually dance quite well I think.

But that aside, I really didn't give much damn towards talentime. Wasn't really bothering about it. I couldn't even be bothered to wear outside clothes. I mean, please, who would dress up for NJ talentime? If I did, I'd probably be out of place (and as expected, there was a hell lot of people in uniform). The whole purpose of talentime, was more for me to catch up with ying and talk lotsa cock. And for her, she wanted to play softball, but it was too darn late already. Heheh, it's so liberating to talk to someone who understands. Whom you don't have to put up a fake front against. And anything you say, the knowledge would be safe. I feel a hell lot better after talking to ying. I'm more of my real self around her. Cos I can comment what my heart really feels. I can just say whatever I want. How hot this girl or that one is, without worrying that I'll make her feel uncomfortable. Or that she'll be caught thinking that whatever I say at the moment is against her principles. (In fact, I think I'll feel uncomfortable if I was to talk to any of my friends about girls. I mean, after what happened, it just seems . . . weird. Too many ugly things have happened. Even then, I wouldn't truly know how they would feel if I told them who I liked in the future. Maybe commenting about hot girls would make them uncomfortable already. Sigh . . . I wish you were in NJ, ying). Heck, basically our talk just revolves around NJC, ACJC, life in general, and hot people (mostly girls of cos). Too bad there weren't any hot J1s to show her. Not many guys or girls. Sorry dude! The 'people-watching' bombed =) . At least we talked lots of shit eh? All that crap I told you about NJ and the funny shit that happened in AC. Man, it's nice to find out about life outside NJ, there is a whole other world out there. I'm too preoccupied here. It never ceases to amaze me how easily I can relate to her and tell her important stuff even though we rarely meet up.

Thanks for listening to all my ranting. And yes, I have been real stupid on numerous occasions. Oh, I had to commit wrong in order to learn. Yeah, haha, make fun of my taste, but you know I have my reasons lah. Go on *snigger*, urge me back to S Y. . .

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Hurhur . . . Softball today was just plain weird. After warm-up, I took my turf shoes from the cupboard area and brought it out to the grandstand to wear . . . As I lifted the shoe, I was about to slip my foot into it when I realized it was pretty heavy (?). I though maybe there was some dirt in it. So I shook the shoe upside down and I thought I saw a black piece of turd fall out from within where I could see it. Turns out, the black turd was alive! It jumped onto my chest and then jumped onto the floor. I literally screamed and freaked out on the spot.

It was a freaking black toad!

There was a black toad living in my shoes! And to think I nearly squished it when I tried to put my foot in! Thank goodness I'm someone who is not that squeamish about slimy, soft and rubbery things (like lizards for example, I'm more afraid of creepy crawlies like roaches). It didn't really bother me that bad but I was traumatized nonetheless. I mean . . it was a freaking frog. Black colour at that! My shoe is black, it was so damn well camoflouged. Last time, a lizard fell onto my shoulder while I was walking out of the NJC gate. I didn't realize it till I thought my shoulder felt a little heavy. And even then, I didn't scream, just brushed the bugger off. I didn't really make a big fuss over that frog. But still, I couldn't bear to wear my shoes for a while after that. Later, everybody crowded around and bothered needlessly over the frog.

Man, what is it with me and amphibians? First it was the lizard on my shoulder, then the frog I squished flat during softball camp. Now, a frog lives in my shoe. YW said that my shoe must have had optimum temperature, moisture, environment/habitat for the frog to live in. After hearing that, I've decided to wash the darn shoes. Haven't washed them in ages anyway =)

But that wasn't the only interesting thing in softball today, there was funnier stuff as well. I was laughing so hard even though coach was looking, and I couldn't even toss ball properly cos of my laughing. I still laugh now when I think of it!

Hmm, tomorrow should be fun.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Mmmm. Haagen Daaz Belgian Chocolate Cake. For mum's birthday.

Sinful indulgence.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Ripped off from Carol's blog (she is inspiring):

It's really amazing and funny how people need to be constantly reminded of how "fragile" and "transient" life is, and how we must "live in the present" and "cherish our loved ones". First we had the 911 incident, and everybody started chanting the above quotations. Then everyone kind of forgot, and the Iraq war happened, and everyone started chanting the above quotations. And then SARS happened, and everyone started chanting. It's as if they forget so easily! And then God, perhaps, created the tsunami, and then everyone kind of started remembering again. Remember, damn it, or we'll have to keep losing lives in order to help the living live.

That's so true. People only really appreciate what they've got when they've lost it . . . and realize all of a sudden how much they miss it and need it. Taking things for granted. Taking the present peaceful situation for granted. I could easily forsee myself lapsing into that sort of false sense of security. All I need is a little wind to just blow everything apart. And realise that 'animal' in me again. Realise my mortality (as all youths love to think and treat their bodies as though they are immortal and time is ever-lasting).



Sigh, like I said, life IS sadistic. How we must hurt in order to learn and be wiser. How we must first wrong in order to learn right. How we must first lose in order to learn how to treasure and save? I guess, according to a famous econs quote, "There's no such thing as a free lunch". That applies to life's precious lessons as well.

Everything has its own price.

It takes one disaster to unmake another. Two wrongs have resulted in one right. How sadistic is life?

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Today, my sister threw a bracelet of crosses out the window in hurt and frustration.

She's starting to lose her faith in God.



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My father has this theory (He is an atheist). He actually has quite an imaginative mind despite his numerous character flaws (which would fill 3 entire entries if I were to elaborate on the 'niceties' of it all).

He thinks that humankind is nothing but an alien experiment. Like the ant colony in a fish tank that some demented people keep, to rear ants as 'pets'. They supposedly observe us, and being our creators, have the power to alter our environment. Natural disasters, war etc. But more interestingly, are the weird experiments they throw in our direction to test our response. Supernatural phenomena is one. The other is religion. Our every reaction to each, is documented and studied. Interesting isn't it? Its like how humans are the inventors/creators of mathematics, and yet, there are mathematicians who are studying it still. Discovering new quirks and laws that govern the way maths work. The creators themselves are trying to get a better understanding of their creation.


Maybe God's not too sure what he has created in Man. Then again, I'll probably be stoned by some for this 'blasphemous' statement.


Discovery is fun. And enlightening. Every new day brings new discoveries for me to think upon. I'm learning more about myself and the human condition. There are a few unspoken truths that people don't dare voice out for fear of repression by the community as a whole. "Why be such a wet blanket and say such unpleasant things?" they cry. You're probably wondering what I'm talking about. Well, have you ever heard that too much of a good thing is bad? That applies to the things that you love as well. Somewhere, at some point of time, routine dulls your enthusiasum, kills the original joy. Heheh, let me use an econs arguement. Your satisfaction/utility decreases with each new exposure to the experience that you love. The more you have, the less you feel fulfilled each time you receive even more. That's why I don't really believe in ever-lasting love. I'm gonna get sick of him/her after a period of time. No matter how much I love my sport, shoving it down my throat 24/7 is going to make me detest it. Sportsmen will find their training a dull affair after some time, regardless of the initial enthusiasum. Love for your God will dull if there's only comfortable routine and rites in your worship. If you never take that step out of the box, you can't build upon your love. It stagnates.

That is why, a hobby will always retain your high interest if it remains just that, a hobby. If you forced me to study computer games, which I love, I can envision myself hating the constant, relentless exposure to it. Everybody gets sick of what they like at some point of their lives. Some even get sick of life altogether. Interest appears, develops, reach a utopian-like plateau, then recedes and fades into nothingness. Repeat process, with a new interest this time.

Everything in this material world . . . is transient. Nothing's forever.

Heheh, and we can all kid ourselves with the fantasy that paradise-like ideals of love and freedom is forever. Yeah, ignorance is bliss. I shall not be Malthus, the harbringer of doomsday omens. Instead, I'll attempt to appeal to the masses. Love is beautiful! And ever-lasting! Your one true love awaits out there for you! Believe in them!






* . . . . and the plebeians applause.*

My mom's birthday is tomorrow. Me and the sis are planning to cook a home-made meal for her tonight to celebrate. No, no gifts. We can't afford that, and we know that our mother wouldn't be happy when we spend money unecessarily. Besides, its better to give something that took you time and effort, and not let money say the words that your heart wants to speak. Well, I really hope our meal turns out fine. Its nothing fantastic, after all, I'm no canoeist, I can't cook. It'll be simple and what she would probably like: fried (brown) rice, baked brocoli and braised tofu. Yep, three dishes, that's about the maximum that me and my sis can handle anyway. Plus I haven't cooked in ages. But I'll try my best and God will take care of the rest! ~(I made up that rhyming line a long time ago to encourage myself)

Sigh, school today. What else is there to say? Nothing eventful. Three dreadfully long tutorials. I fell asleep on the table after the first. Its amazing how I managed to pass through the day. There's so much softball shit to take care of, and add the never-ending tutorials that we have. I've just finished integration and now I still have more? More, more, more, they never stop coming. The only homework that I can stand right now is econs s, cos its just reading, and its actually quite interesting as well. Today, after school, I was fed up with the level of homework that I decided I'm not going to hand up chem homework. To hell with it, I would be copying somebody else's work anyway (most likely nana's). At least GP was a life-saver though. Haha, Thomas W is making me laugh shitless during GP! His 'full name' now has become "Thomas 'sleaze' 'See How'". The reasons behind its creation is way hilarious dude! You gotta be in our GP class to understand the underlying dynamics that lead to the culmination of such a nickname. Oh, and Keefe has become 'the economics man', HR is now known as 'Mensa Man'. Haha, I like my GP lessons, they never fail to entertain (Rattna is as hilarious with her facial expressions as Jim Carrey, though I do piss her off from time to time).

P.S. To a certain iron chef: *^$^(*^(%%#$%@#%%&^&*^(BITCH!!!@!*@$Y#%($(#^$@F*CK!!@!)!(@&*&$%*&(WHORE!!!!$%&&%)#$)#*&%^%*&)@#@$^&*STRANGLES THICK NECK!!!*&%@

(Haha, are you happy now Siti?)

Monday, February 21, 2005

Mmmm. Just been a real glutton today. Had some of the delicious Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby ice cream, followed by small little gourmet cakes from the Crystal Jade Bakery. Man, I'm sinning. Pursuing pleasure again, which I'm going to expound on later in this entry.

Well, 'nuff about food. I gotta lose weight. Oh, I can't bother to study for maths tonight, shall do it tomorrow morning.

Humans. Reading all those econs s books and thesis has been really enlightening. Cos a large part of it is also about philosophy, explaining the way humans act.

Pleasure. That's what drive us. Self-interest, every single thing we do is all based and driven by self-interest. See that old lady without a seat on the bus? You give up your seat to her cos you feel your conscience tugging at your heartstrings, its the expected thing of you to do. If not, you'll feel guilty. Do charity? Making people happy makes you feel good about yourself. You like that feeling of being a saintly person created in you when you give to others. You enjoy seeing others happy. It creates pleasure in you. That's self-interest. Worship in religion? Haha, that's a touchy topic. You worship cos its your ticket to heaven. You make your creator happy cos that's what would make you happy. You follow the tenets of your faith cos it provides a guide for you to live your life. Living the correct way, concerns your own self. Your self-interest. Spiritual contentment and well-being is all indivdual, all feeding your self-interest. It benefits you to have a faith. You may give to others without expecting anything in return. But the most basic thing which you do expect back (but may not realize it), is to feel good about yourself. You feel good cos you now see yourself as a kind and giving person. We give and give to the persons we love cos that is what makes us happy (and with the teeny tiny hope that they too will love us as we love them).

That's not to say that self-interest is a bad thing. Self-interest makes the world go round. Feeding your self-interest will inadvertantly benefit others' self-interest. Its the very fundamental of being human. We ARE selfish, no matter what they say. In the end, it all boils down to me, me, ME. This is all natural, something that is nigh impossible to suppress. Cos even if you did suppress self-interest, you are self-interested cos you want to improve yourself! Everything we do in this world is for ourselves, though the most obvious recipients may be somebody else. Ulitmately, we do it cos in some way or other, we ourselves benefit. Period.

Pleasure and pain. Man seeks pleasure, runs from pain. We do indeed have unlimited wants!!! But limited resources. We always ask for more. . . Econs is not a study of money and business, it is the study of human behaviour and nature. We are studying how people interact with each other, all driven by self-interest.




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Rationality. Has got to win over passion. But that's arguably the hardest thing to do in the world. Passions, emotions, instincts, form the basis of our human psyche. Even I, feel most human and alive when I relent and let go, allowing all the above to take over. Anger, pain, pleasure, euphoria. All the extremes, makes you realize that you are indeed living in a world, which has the ability to affect you in this way. I become so incredibly aware of myself, my surroundings, but most poignantly, the hidden "puppet strings" that control me. Emotions. When they take over, they seem to take over completely, reducing a rational, seemingly stoic person to a blubbering fool. A base animal. Its amazing, how intense things can become, when you let your purest self run free.

I can hate with as much force as I love. And I can switch between the two in a new york minute. I can be sad at once and happy the next moment. Like short blips/flashes of animal instinct in me.

But heh, humans are special. . .

We have the abilty to reason. . . To rationalise. Conquer the basic instincts and passions, but if only for a fleeting moment. You know, I feel most ethereal and physically detached, when I think of abstract things, when I analyse. Feels more like a computer, this brain in me. And we always struggle between the two. Do we do that easy thing and let our instincts and emotions take over us? Make the decisions for us? If somebody scolds you badly, do you feed your natural urge to punch the bitch? No. We suppress, as we always do. We rationalise.

I've been rationalising alot lately. And it has taken alot to go against my basic instinct. Yes, no matter how much I want to let go into that state of unadulterated 'humanness' in me. To just unleash all my passions, good and bad. I must take a step back, ponder, think, assess. There will be a better outcome if I do something else, something that is inherently more difficult to achieve. But I must find it within myself to arise to the occasion, cos the situation calls for it. Have to do what is ultimately good for all, cannot feed my own self-interest only, feed everyone's.

Learning to forgive, though I want so much to rant and rave. Feed the natural anger within.

Learning to let go, though I want so much to love and drown in its dreaminess. Feed that desire within.

Learning to say 'sorry'. Having to swallow that much-treasured pride and ego.

And worse of all, learning to pick myself up when I'm down. Optimisim, in a time of bleak prospects and darkness, is the hardest to muster up.

We always learn, that people, animals, nature, all take the path of least resistance. I could easily fall into that trap, cos that's the most obvious thing to do. So very simply, I could go on allowing my passions to flow free, uninterrupted. And create catastrophe and arnachy in the process. Hate begets hate. Pain and depression is a downward spiral you can't climb out of.

But I'm human, I'm not so stupid.




There is always another way . . . to do things.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

I wonder about my future . . . what I'll become.

Today during softball, I poked my usual evil fun at E. Stuff about practicing her throw on her grandma when she forced her to come home for lunch instead of team McDonald's lunch. Then she warned me that my future kids might just do that to me.



Kids?




Haha.

I have a premonition that if I marry, I'll cheat. I know, its bad, but I can't really understand the idea of loving someone forever. Maybe loving God forever I can imagine (but I've fell out of that now). Maybe loving a girl forever is possible if the girl is really that wonderful. But a guy? That's a tall order. REAALLLY tall. I don't want to hurt others. I don't want to lead people on, thinking that they have my full love when they do not. It would be unfair to them, and to me as well. As much as I love cute lil' and fat babies, I'd much rather enjoy playing and cuddling my relatives' kids. Than make some myself. Haha, sounds like food.

Sigh . . .



Argghh! Who cares man. I shouldn't care now. I'll never know how my life's gonna turn out, so why think of the future? Which is so intangible? Especially when it comes to your future feelings? Pointless pursuit.

Am real glad about one thing though. Really hope ying can crash this Friday. Haven't met for so long, we have so much to say. Ian once asked me why I never choose to like her instead cos she's bi? Hah! That's a misconception there, we don't fall in love with all those who are like us. Another even more ludicrous one is that a girl can't be friends with a lesbian cos she will be hit on by her. Oh man, please get a grip on yourself.

I've got incredible shit to tell ying. And she knows its coming, haha. Sigh . . . my only real GLBT friend. The one and only person I can truly relate to and feel right at home with. The person whom I can walk along the streets of Orchard with, and pass comments on pretty girls and it would be an absolutely normal thing to do. The one who totally knows what its like to be me. The one who would actually tease me about love stuff (Someone else stopped doing that after I admitted something. I miss how you make me feel normal). The one who sent me the Valentine's Day greeting with a suggestion, haha. Its no point now, friend. You can't imagine what shit.

I need more friends like that.

A few days ago before econs lec, we were all sitting outside at the round stone bench. Me, manda, nus and chris. Talking about boys (!) Haha, we were all on different wave lengths, everybody else like the 'normal', slim-looking guys, whereas I can only see beauty in the 'macho' types. Hmm, its quite obvious isn't it? My attraction to men is purely physical only. If a hot guy asked me out, I would date him . . . for his body. Haha, don't get the wrong idea! I'm not going to do anything! See see only. Admire. But then I would be using him then eh? I admire the human form, in its highest level of beauty. Girl or boy, all human.

It was damn funny though, all the nonsense we talked about. Like how I would supposedly 'rip off my clothes and say hurry up!' if I was date-raped. Haha, that was funny! (Why hurry up for? The guy's got the whole night and a willing girl to rape! Haha!) And how the rest wouldn't date muscle men for fear of getting raped and being too weak to defend self. Please lar, you have so little trust in your lover? *wink*. That's assuming that guys only think of sex. Oh, and girls can't rape each other. So I'll be safe if I date one eh? And how I said that muscle men would protect you from baddies. The scrawny shit would just defend valiantly . . . but still die anyway. And then you'll get raped by the baddies!!!(men, of cos!) Date muscle men means getting raped. Date scrawny men then. You don't get raped by your scrawny boyfriend, get raped by baddies instead. Therefore bottomline is, date men = get raped. Period.

Haha, I meant that as a joke of cos. I know not all guys are like that. That's why we ALL can date hot, muscled boys and be perfectly safe!





Love. I wish I could feel the kind of love that I want. I can't wait for the one thing I dread.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Sigh. . . sometimes I wish my econs s lessons weren't on Friday. In fact, I had three appointments all at the same time today. Econs, Suntec Exhibition, Sapphire talk. I wanted to go for the Suntec Exhibition. It's on Total Defence, but do you think I want to see that? Hah! Its the post-exhibition activities that I want to go for! I bet those who went, got to hang out for awhile later, window-shopping etc. There's a movie theater there too. Imagine, they can go watch a show!! Oh well, we can't have all that we want. Anyway, today's lesson was fun as usual. But I'm not surprised that they say econs s is one of the toughest to take. Heck! It is the toughest! Today, Mr Lee gave us an example of what essay questions we might be asked . . . "Can economics be considered a science?", "What is the use of economic models/assumptions?". Crazy. We also had a spring test today on the methodology of econs. Explain the difference between Induction and Deduction reasoning" and "Explain Popper's theory of Falsification".

-_-

I'm like . . . . okkayyyy . . . What am I suppose to write? It was then I realized that our textbooks was gonna be thesis books, research books, written by socially-inept European men. Everything was abstract, so intangible, so way above my level, I don't know how I could ever grasp it. Just trying to understand is bad enough. They write in such 'chim' and profound language which you just can't understand. I might as well be reading a french book, dosen't matter. As I sat in class, I realized what incredible shit I've gotten myself into. Econs s is NOTHING like econs, its a whole crazier thing on its own. Like history, philosophy, 'chimnology' all rolled into one. All based on economic theories!

But I know I gotta push on. This is way out of my comfort zone. But I'll never excel if I don't push myself. I'll never know what heights I could achieve (or negatively speaking, how far and hard I can fall). This is difficult. Yes. MUCH more than Maths s for sure. I realized too that when I got back my GP essay today, that I need to emphasize on my languages too. Its been too long since I really wrote or thought critically. Must find that SCGS quality within me. I'll need it for econs s.


Things are looking up. Must not falter again. 5 months was all I took to forget. 5 months and I can get over something so deep.

Its stupid to throw away my friendship for something like that, something that could dissapear with time. Sometimes, it should be you who should give me more time instead. Not the other way around. You can't expect feelings to dissapear overnight. That's being unfair to me. Don't you know how infinitely harder it is for me to forget? I hope you'll wake up one day. And realize that its so not worth it. Heheh, I was thinking . . . maybe you don't value our friendship as much as I do cos, well . . . you have so many friends, dear, what is there to lose if you have one less? No big deal to you. People only truly appreciate what they have when they've lost it for real.

I took my personality test today. It costs $60, but its been subsidised for me. Patience is not one of your attributes. Heheh, I know that already. No more mistakes. No time for them.

You were a child reaching out brave and true
For big thins in the next room
And I couldn't step into such open sky
Where on the crest of uncertainty you loom
I'm learning to hunt for you
Say that you'll never run too far away
Even with all the answers out there
Where it's brighter but no one will care
Half as much as I care about you
I'm learning to hunt for you

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Hate.




Only hurts you in the end.

I will not commit the sin of the father.

I will be stronger in the end.

This is only the beginning, life is a war. Everyday, everyone fights their own battles. Some people fly the banner of religion, their symbol of hope. I? I pick up my sword and shield, with only my personal belief in myself as strength. (Faith cannot come without self-knowledge. That would be blind and ultimately weak faith. Know yourself, then you'll know thy God. Maybe you won't understand what I'm trying to say. But then again, neither could you ever understand my being crooked)

Come and get me. I'll stare down fear in its eyes. Fight for your right . . . to be you. And if I get matyred in the process, so be it. At least my life had purpose.

This is my purpose. Live life the way you were made to live it. Love as you were meant to love. Don't let others make you feel lesser than you really are. Nobody shall dictate your happiness. This is my purpose.





My Purpose-Driven Life.

I will be good. I'll try my best. Cannot fall into that easy way out, the most obvious way out. Cos it will only hurt me and others. NO. I know you hurt me bad, but I ain't gonna let that get to me. No, that's the easy way out, and it only makes me petty and hostile. I've learned my lesson. Move on now.

I'll be good, as best as I can be, to you. I can find it in me to forgive, but I just can't forget. But no worries, I'll still be good nonetheless. The stiff and tension-filled situation in class need not occur.

I've learnt my lesson well. And I'm not gonna make another mistake next time.

I love Bjork music.

I don't know, but I find the way she sings so mystical and ethereal. And her songs can only be described as . . . maverick. Maybe even sublime. Everyone listens to all the mainstream artists sometimes. But oh, don't you ever know the pleasure of discovering a secret joy? A rare fnd so unique, that others don't have the priviledge of experiencing, but you do? Like how you read a fascinating book and wish others could read it, cos you want to share your amazement with others?

Go here. Just watch the clip on Bjork 'Pagan Poetry'. What music . . . have you ever heard of such before?

I love the weird and wonderful. =)



I love mystery . . .
. . . . . . . . "cos its pagan poetry" . . . . . . .

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Ahhh. For life to be like yesterday . . .

I want to study in pastel coloured walls of white, green and beige again. I want to walk upon tiled floors and pass white-washed pillars. Through airy corridors that seem to stretch on forever and is open to the beautiful elements on one side, safeguarded only by railings where the paint never peels. To greet teachers and get greeted in return. To see your friends all dressed in blue sundresses (yes, it is that nice). I want to stay back in class during recess time, where Ying and Kai would stay back with others, and we'd all congregate at one spot to talk cock. Or complain. I want to do the alternate too, and go down to the canteen with all the people running for meepok. I want to participate in the french-fries rush, where there is only a window of 10 minutes for you to grab some, whenever the lady whips up a new bucketful. I want to buy my paos, my sandwiches, my milo packet drinks from the sour-looking amah from the ice-cream stall. I want to gossip about the horrendous western food vendors and their disgusting 'food recycling' methods. I want to gossip about how the prefects have yet again tortured one of their own lesser counterparts, the ordinary students. I want to gossip about the juniors, and the scandal about how 2 drama girls kissed each other on the lips in the spice garden. And how other people watched secretly like voyeurs from the balcony above. I want to sit in the canteen again, and while gossiping, others would point out the subjects in discussion and all our eyes would track the target as she made her way through the maze of students. I want to sit upon tables filled with bird droppings again and hear my classmates squeal. I want to go down to the canteen again . . . just so I can see S Y and melt inside.

I want to go to the friendship board, at the study corner, to read all the heart-felt declarations of platonic love. I want to read again, the cards and messages about crushes. But most of all, I want to read (as I have done many times alone), this poem by a girl secretly loving another . . . I want to be touched again by this connection, to feel every ache in her words, cos I know what she says is true.



But the last time I came to SCGS, they had already torned down that friendship board.

I wish I had the time to play World of Warcraft. My cousin and Ian is so lucky. But I also know if I lay my hands on one of the extremely rare copies left worldwide (of which my cousin has a few now for sale), I would totally go out of control. Its like a kid let loose in a candy store. Elsa would never see daylight (or school) again.

I love computer games =) They help me forget reality. And right now, that's something that I want to numb and drown out. Even though Friday's over, I can't help but taste this bitter hurt in my mouth. Can't even bring myself to be normal to you. Well, what do you expect? After what you've done to our 'friendship' and said?

I've never felt so . . . jaded.

Spent the entire afternoon in school today doing Integration 3. Got some more left. Amazingly, I was the last person to leave the classroom at 6pm. Most people left before 5. And sadly, I did not have nana to refer to for help. Ah well, that meant that I was forced to think on my own, instead of having the answers right next to me. At least I managed most of them. As for the rest, I have questions for Chua to show that I did attempt it.

Sigh . . . Brain's really rusty now. Its like so hard and cranky to work. It dosen't want to think. It wants to be numbed in alternate reality and delusions. Distractions, distractions. I always have distractions. A couple of times while doing maths today, my mind would wonder off to pleasant and unpleasant things whenever I have a problem. Instead of focusing, like I should.



Today.
Bare feet upon the cement floor, shoes and socks in a corner. Just me, myself and a landscape scattered with numbers and symbols before me. Twirling my pen and singing to myself,

"Rain.
Feel it on my fingertips, hear it on my window pane,
Your love's coming down like
Rain.
Wash away my sorrow, take away my pain . . . "

Monday, February 14, 2005

"In a letter to "Dear Abby" a reader complained that a gay couple was moving in across the street and wanted to know what he could do to improve the quality of the neighborhood. Her suggestion - 'You could move.'"

----- Abigail Van Buren
Haha, I LUURRRVE this one.

"Every gay and lesbian person who has been lucky enough to survive the turmoil of growing up is a survivor. Survivors always have an obligation to those who will face the same challenges."

----Bob Paris
Yes this is true. I do feel an obligation. Think I've mentioned that before.





"True friendship isn't about being there when it's convenient; it's about being there when it's not."

---Anonymous

How true.

Valentine's Day today.

Haha, quite fun, more so than last year. Maybe its becos I gave presents this time, and more class people gave this year too cos we all know each other better. It was all very heart-warming, and sweet, to see people walking around with their received presents and their own presents to give. There was like so much love and friendship in the air. For once, I thought NJC seemed 'human' to me, instead of the unforgiving grey hell that I know of in daily life. I know, all this sounds so cliched. But after all the shit these past few weeks, it has put quite a damper on my faith in friendships. Makes me think, 'what's the whole damn point of giving?', when you don't get anything in return (not even the priviledge of friendship). But somehow, the happenings of today has made me feel that there is hope and love out there, that there are people who truly care and thus give.

Maybe its a sort of social obligation. You know your friends are going to buy gifts for you, so you do the same for them to 'repay' the favour. But for me, today was the chance for me to show my appreciation for the people who really deserved it (ok, the pressie for nana was an obligation, but don't tell her! X) ). It was a chance for me to say 'thank you' to all the people who have touched my life at some point of time, be it in the distant past or now. So I really put effort into it, buying the expensive as hell cloth wrapper and lace (which cost more than the actual chocolates themselves!). Spending 10,000 years over two days writing all the super-long letters. And spending an hour just to wrap all 11 gifts. Yep, it took me awhile to figure out the technique for wrapping this small item with a tough-to-work with but beautiful nonetheless, wrapping cloth. And also how to tie the expensive lace, and not use too much! In fact, I was also confused as hell about whose gifts belong to who after I wrapped them and covered up the names! Man, I slogged, literally, and sweated too, cos the table area was so hot. But I felt good after I made them, cos I thought they looked like the ones that they sell outside. In fact, I was really proud of them! For once, the colour combination was fantastic.

For each and every gift I gave out, I spend serious dough and effort on every one of them. And of cos I chose very carefully who to give. So for those who got one, let me just say you have a very special place in my heart and I really appreciate you as a friend! And not surprisingly, most of the recipients were SC girls! I'm not saying this due to my bias to SC (really!). Cos the SC girls in NJ are truly in a league of their own, I love you people, and you've completely surprised me with your beauty . . .

Here's the lowdown on who got and for what:

Manda. Heheh, enough said. I think I've said alot about you in this place already. And like what I wrote, this gift is a long time in waiting. Thanks for everything.

Ian. Hey man, you're the bestest guy friend I've ever had. And you certainly deserve the best from me! I hope we continue to be friends long after JC, cos I would sorely miss a fantastic person like you. Thanks for all the talks we had and how you never gave up on me. I really thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Shujun. Wow, girl, you are a diamond in the rough! How I never knew before is such an enigma. I'm so glad I've found someone like you. You are much more mature, kind and understanding, than I thought in the past. Thank you. For your kind words.

Qian Jin. Wonderful and faithful friend, I deeply appreciate you talking with me. Somehow I know you understand me. For all that and more, thank you brother!

Samantha. Heheh, oh sam. Thank you. Thank you. You were incredibly understanding towards me when I told you on MSN, I never expected that after what happened to you last time with Cap. And when you came to the rooftop to me when I was down, what can I say? A friend in need is a friend indeed.

Beatrice. Thank you Bea, I never knew you to be such a comforting friend. Just like Sam, you helped me up when I was down, and made me see that there was so much more for me to be happy about, and how you never thought less of me. Thank you all for clearing my thoughts and helping me see the light.

Mel. Hey mel, reading your blog just makes me feel so much more connected to you. I'm so glad we know each other more in NJ. Its amazing isn't it, despite the fact that we're in different classes now?

Francine. Haha fran, thanks girl (although I don't think you come here) for the things you've done for me. Like how you helped me ask R if she had a boyfriend and even offered to get her handphone number for me, and all at the risk of being suspected you were crooked. Thanks girl! I know you don't approve but you still helped me nonetheless! Thanks for everything!

Ros de Boss. Hey orange lover! It so heart-warming to know that you remember my B'dae date, year after year without fail, even though I always forget yours! I feel so bad now, and I really want to show my appreciation to you this day! Cos you don't know what you've got till you see someone losing the one thing that they should appreciate.


Wai Teng. Arguably one of the most generous friends I have the pleasure of meeting. Though I always seem to take advantage of you (steal your drinks, phtocopy your tutorials), you still always give and give for my good (like how you help me copy GP stuff which I didn't need or really bothered to care about, I appreciate the effort nonetheless!). Thank you for all that you've done, and like for manda, this gift is a long time in waiting.

To the wonderful Ten. I love each and everyone of you. Thanks for making a difference in my life. Hope I've made a (good) difference in yours too. And may my gifts express my sincerest gratitude. .

Cos you gave me something to remember . . .

Sunday, February 13, 2005

My sister just complained to me that I rarely ever talk to her to bond. She complains that everynight, her friends have long bonding sessions with their sisters before they sleep. So instead of bonding with me, she makes do with the mother (whom of cos is inadequate at times). In the past, I would just not want to talk cos I was too damn tired and just wanted to chill online.

Now, there's one more reason. I don't wanna talk about 'it', especially not after she found out accidentally on MSN. I don't want to have to go through another lengthy discussion, talking about the same old things that I've said before. And frankly, I'm not to keen about dragging this issue into my household, I've enough shit becos of it in school already. I ain't ready yet.

I love my V Day presents! =) They're very beautiful! And the best thing is that I made them myself! Yay!

Hope I didn't mix up the names and the cards, that would be a serious boo boo. I was so confused myself when wrapping them. Man, I really hope I didn't mix them up!

Have completed writing a ton of letters. My hands ache and the amount of papers stacked up is actually thick. Phew, think I can rest now.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

I slogged today to buy all the V Day shit. Man, everything's like so expensive already! And there are lots of cute V Day gifts being sold. I was quite tempted to buy the quirky and neatly packaged chocolate gifts. But I also knew that I could make them DIY myself, so why bother wasting such money? Anyway, after all the stuff that I bought, I effectively blew quite a bit from my wallet. The actual amount might be peanuts to some people, but to me, its ALOT of money. I am officially broke right now. I decided that writing cards would be better, and a lot more sincere. Then again, when you put in such time and effort, I know that I'll be commiting the act of giving. And I know that I'm quite wary of giving too easily right now. Well, at least, I know that the people whose cards I truly slogged over, actually deserve it. I've chosen my beneficiaries pretty strictly now. And I should be right about most of them anyway, since majority are my all-time favourite and dependable SCGS girls, and of cos the wonderful four! Yay! I love you people!

Hope my gifts turn out nice. I need more wrapping presents skills.

Friday, February 11, 2005

Everybody's so sad.

I miss Charlene. She would always brighten up our lives in PR. But I last heard that she wasn't happy in AC now, quiet and all. . .

Oh, what has the world come to?

I dread love.

Yep. If it took me 12 years of friendship to wise up in the makings and workings of real-life friendships. I shudder to think that I have zero relationship experience so far. That would mean that if I had my first, I would be this totally innocent, naive, starry-eyed, foolish, hopeful . . . noob. And I would be overly optimistic, as most first time lovers would be (yeah, but maybe not so extreme as those who think that they will marry their first love). I would most likely get myself burned shitless, since in love you most definitely have to give more than in a friendship.

But then again, they say, "Lovers come and go, but friends stay forever." So which is the more painful break-up? Friendship? Whereby you could've gone through storms for many years, and yet come out irreconcillable? Or love? Whereby you put so so so much in so little time? Which hurt is worse I wonder? The slow burning of friendship snuffed out? Or the hot intensity of love doused?

Frankly, I don't really want to find out. Only now have I learnt real lessons on friendship. And boy, it really puts out a little of that fire in my soul. But no lessons whatsoever in love. And as we all know, though some friendships fizzle out mutually without both parties giving a damn, or may stand to last the test of time and trials; love . . . very rarely, last at all. Your first few relationships don't have much chance of lasting very long. Worse, the longer it lasts, the more painful the break-up. I think a more pragmatic view, which ultimately safeguards you, is to enter the relationship, expecting that it will end at some point in the future. Its not going to last forever. I know its not romantic, but its practical (And I should know, cos I've stopped having fairy-tale ideas of friendship). And personally, I don't believe in that one true love, or that love can really last forever. Maybe its becos I fall in and out of love easily that makes me say this. But I just think that its too idealistic a notion.

I guess too, that for me, some may say that love is gonna be much harder. That is becos I have so little "realistic" targets, and will probably get burned alot. Or when I finally meet someone, all the past hurts would make me have too high an expectation of that special someone. And that could seriously kill things in the early stages. But then again, I look around me and see that heterosexual people don't necessarily have it better. There are spinisters and bachelors, all in their 40s and lonely inside. Then I see the punky lesbian couple in Orchard. A butch with the suavest dyed and gelled hairstyle ever, her feminine counterpart in her rapunzel tresses, thrown back from her head. Both holding hands blatantly, each wearing matching "Men Sucks!" tee-shirts. Then the girlie girl's hand breaks off from the handlock, and inches lower . . . and rests it on her lover's behind.

Positively radiating attitude man.

I guess, straight or not, we both will have it hard in love. Some might get lucky, and have wonderful relationships, others get jaded and give up the chase.

Oh well, friendships are a messy issue. So will be love. Why can't our lives be simpler? But then again, that would be boring.

Jaded as hell.

Ahh. Friendship. I've lost a little of my faith in it today.

Surprisingly, I did very little of the talking. I was mostly listening. Cos I realized whatever I said would be futile. Plus most of the things I wanted to say were voiced out by someone else anyway. Yes, you took the words right out of my mouth. The word I remember most is, "dissapoint". When you've worked so had to build up something, just to see it all crumble in a gust of wind. Ohhh, life is cruel. Its good though, that I didn't expect too much from this, that I've braced myself for failure. But this also showed me what I needed to see.

Its cruel to be kind.

What could I do? Nothing.

Friendship. Hah! The shock of a close friendship irrepairable, just slams right into your guts. Especially if you are willing to mend it, but the other is not. Today, while at the NJ busstop, seeing everyone carefree and having fun, about to go into town, blissfully unaware of the possible pitfalls ahead, as they build up their infant friendships with their new classmates. How blissfully ignorant. Your image of friendship is too rosy, my dear. The more you believe in its beauty, the harder you will fall.

Now I finally understand some of my father's bitterness. I usually loathe it when he scoffs at the idea of me having too much fun with my friends, me cooking vast amounts of food to feed my friends at potluck.

"Why bother? People take advantage of you anyway, everybody out there is looking after themselves only. You gotta learn that its stupid to give and give."

I would usually roll my eyeballs and ignore such statements that he made. Please, my friends appreciate what I do, they are not just looking out for themselves. Then he would shake his head at me in seemingly cocky wisdom and sigh. I see now that it is not arrogance that I see, but rather, a sad reflection and lesson from his reality, his life experience. He once told me, that in university, his teacher took down his award-winning architecture design from the notice board. It was pinned up proudly for display, and it was also the one and only copy that would decide his university grade. Why, he asked, did the teacher take it down? The teacher said that he was only doing it for my father's good, cos he knew of some of my father's classmates, who were very likely to sabotage my father's work by splashing an entire bottle of black ink onto the exhibit. All just so that my father's score would then be lower than theirs. Sigh. . . my father lost his faith in friendships a long time ago. He has only one friend to truly call friend. And even then, he is very guarded against him, very guarded in giving too much.




I see now the worth in my father's words. Its quite a sad reality really. The young are too idealistic. We fight and protest and strive. But at the end of the day, we get jaded and tired. We throw in the towel and sigh wearily, . ."Oh, but life is like this. Nothing can change it. We were silly to think that we could achieve something."

I guess for me, it is harder to find real friends. Cos some people who are otherwise nice might have a problem with my preference. They may not want to mix with me, becos of who I cannot help but be. But then again, those who truly stick by me, are then really good friends. Many straight people have superficial shallow friendships. In a way, revealing my sexuality helps to weed out such poisonous people from my life.

Sigh . . . if only I could remain young forever, when friendships then weren't so complicated. When it was always up, up, up and rosy. You laugh, I laugh, we have a ball of a time. Not anymore. I'm not innocent anymore. I've grown up, seen the cruelties and heartlessness of the world. I have lost some of my faith in the revered bastian of friendship. It is not as beautiful as it seems.

Isn't it sad to be an adult? If I had a choice, I would be Peter Pan and not grow up forever. Fairytales always have happy endings. Not real life. Not adult life.

I guess really, there's not much to be done. Or is worth my time doing. Somehow, I feel like the past year was such a waste, building up what was ultimately not worth. Well, at least today, I voiced out what I needed to say, and I have a clearer idea of what's going on in your head.

But you're not going to get me down. You're not worth it.

I have learnt a lesson though (takes out chalk and strikes off marking against wall. One down, an infinity more life lessons to go!), I'm more cautious now, of giving to others. Dosen't pay to be kind sometimes. Only trials and tribulations reveal things as they truly are. Show your true colours. Ignorance IS bliss, no matter what they say. But to what end? Is it really better to be ignorant? Should I choose that path? And never tell others my orientation? Oh, I just still feel the effects of what seems like homophobic discrimination. For me, to love is to drive others away. Why? I never chose to be made this way, I can only cope now. I'm not going to give so much to others like last time. No. I will wait and see. But sometimes, if you do too little giving, the friendship will never grow. Oh, what a Hobson's choice I'd have to make. Maybe I'll just take things a step at a time. I know some things for sure. There are worse homophobic people, like nana, in class. These people, I could never tell, nor do I wish to. And I'll also know, not to give too much in our friendship, I've learnt the hard way already.

But not all friends are like that. Some are better. Some would help you. But what I've witnessed today was a rather ugly truth.

"I think I dissapoint you greatly as a friend."


Heheh, oh but you don't know how much you dissapoint. One day, you'd be in my shoes, and you'll see . . .

Friendship is good, you need it. But sometimes, when you need it the most. It can be . . .

Bullshit.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Leviticus 20:13: "If a man lies with a male as those who lie with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination and they shall surely be put to death."

My goodness. I'm shocked I haven't been burned at the stake yet . . .

Sigh . . . here's more to get worked up over. I do believe there is a God out there, but I also think his teachings have been taken out of context by his followers. Read your bible properly, the Word is interpreted by humans and humans are sinners, therefore we are not fit to judge! If one day, a christian comes up to me and whips out his trusty bible, I would just put my palm in his face and say . . .

"Talk to the hand!"

Yup. That would do it. No discussion, no stepping on each other's toes. We'll respect each other's views so long as we don't shove it down each other's throats.

Ripped this off a forum

*-do all you people who think homosexuality is wrong ever think about the peoples feelings that you're hurting when you say that. i mean a gay/bi/lesbian person has alot to deal with, living in a world which they think wont except them because they are gay. and then have someone tell them that the only thing they think is right, is wrong. i will admit that i am bisexual, but theres only a few people in my life i can openly admit that to. live and let live. no one in my family knows that im bi, and they will never know it. to me, its gettin the best of both worlds. its the way i am, i cant change it. i cant help it if i like both guys and girls. people cant help it if they're a guy or girl, how would you like it if someone said you were wrong beause of your sex. you cant change it, its the way you are, you were born that way. all im sayin is think before you say something. if you think someones lifestyle is wrong, to them, its the only thing thats right, think about how badly you're hurtin them when you say it.-*

What this girl said just took the words right out of my mouth. Literally. Right out of my mouth. To hear someone tell me that the only way I know how to love is wrong, hurts more than betrayal or lies or . . . losing a friend.

But I'm mature enough to overcome this hurt. We all make mistakes sometimes. As long as nobody crosses that line again . . . cos if they do, I think it would be hard to still the desire to punch then.

Oh well, canNOT absolutely wait for tomorrow! When my closure and redemption will come! All I need is enough time and someone to pay attention, so that I may get my full message across. That message anyway, is one that is passive and sort of reflective. I'm not gonna point any fingers, antagonise anybody or blame. I'm just gonna state my feelings on the issue (our friendship) as it is. And after that, I think I can be free~ Oh! How I wait for that moment to come. If you are truly my friend, you would come back to me. If not, oh well, I've learnt an important lesson.

I can finally get on with my life . . . after tomorrow.

Today was utterly boring. Why does CNY have to be so near Valentine's Day? I went out yesterday and today in the hopes of getting the V Day necessities, but alas, all the bloody shops were closed! Only the food eateries, sports shops and pharmacies were open. Like what could I possibly buy from theses places? Darn, that means that I would have to do the shopping on the weekend, when the prices will surely be jacked up by then.

Sigh . . . Nevermind. I have a chance to close this ridiculous saga tomorrow. All I need is to voice out my feelings and give you a piece of my mind. Then I can put to rest all this unrest in me. Whether or not the outcome is positive/negative, it dosen't really matter so long as I can tell you how I feel. That would be quite satisfactory already. We can't force. Throwing me away is a loss to you in the end anyway.

I've been thinking alot about what others have to say, and this is advice from an anonymous stranger:

There's probably nothing you can do. Obviously this girl doesn't feel comfortable around you, so really, why would you want to be friends with her anyway? She probably WAS okay with it until you told her it was HER who you liked. I'm sorry for you, but the best thing that you can probably do is step back and give her some time.

I deserve better. Its okay. If things don't work out, I can put this all behind me. I'll just keep repeating what manda's been telling me: Its not worth it.

I can let you go. But this time, it is a 'friend' that I am letting go.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Hello. I watched Constantine today.

And yet again, I commit the habitual sin of all bloggers, inspirational or shallow (I myself included). Which is to announce yet another mundane and utterly common occurence in our lives, that has no deep bearing on us whatsoever. Like how we always talk about the movies that we watched. Quite silly, in the sense that others too will watch the show and hence it is not a unique experience which we can share. Or is worth sharing. Therefore I shall not discuss the show, I will just state this relatively normal event. I do this, considering the fact that my recent daily life occurences is far from the norm (like how many people have to deal with homophobia and alienation? I bet 90% of NJC do not). Hopefully, this shows I'm going back to the "normal" state of affairs. Although of cos, it is less exciting in a way, but its also less emotionally draining.

Heheh, exciting? I'm surprised by my own choice of words. I guess life in NJC is quite boring on its own. Any deviation from the norm is a reprieve of sorts. Whether its a positive thing or not is another matter entirely.

And I'm starting to sound pretentious.

Well, there would be something more worthy of blogging on Friday, if things go to plan. I've already braced myself for failure. After the events of last week and the week before, I'm starting to take everything that happens (whatever you say or do) with a large pinch of salt. Heck, make that a whole packet's worth. But I'm also discovering something . . . You know what you told me about your ex-boyfriend? How you found closure cos it just dawned on you one day that the relationship was not that perfect after all? Maybe if things don't work out, I would have a similar epiphany too. That our friendship wasn't that wonderful as I thought it out to be. Sure, it had its dreamy and sublime moments.

But I was also the one who was constantly doing all the giving. And I seriously feel taken for granted. In the past and more so now.

I don't want to hate but that's
All you left me with,
A bitter aftertaste and a fantasy
of how we all could live

-------Excerpt from lyircs of "No Regrets" by Robbie Williams

I hope things won't come to such a low point. Cos I still have faith and hope.



In you.

At the end of the day, when I come back battle weary and worn-out, I can look around me . . . and realize all I have still is love and understanding from four astoundingly good friends. They, who, " Love the sinner but hate the sin", make me cry alot these days . . not out of sadness, but out of gratitude for the tireless kindness they show me. I know that they are always there for me when I need them, any of the four. They have become my pillar of strength and support, something which I lack at home. For this alone, you have given me courage that I don't have to be afraid to be who I am, that I should stay true to myself and be open.

Sometimes when I look back at what has happened and the way I reacted that day so venomously. I really regret hurting any of you, if I did. Though sometimes I wish that this never ever happened, I'm ultimately glad that it did cos it has shown me what angels you are, and how beautiful the human spirit is when put to the test. I wouldn't have known otherwise.

A friend in need is a friend indeed.

And I can also see God's love through the four of you, and also from a stranger, a thousand miles away and living in the land of my dreams. Thank you too amanda, for talking to me tonight. For you were the torch in my hand while I traverse this tunnel of darkness. And QJ, I'm gonna come to you soon . . .

Once again, I can't say this enough (as though saying it repeatedly would somehow make it more significant)

Thank you Amanda~!

( I know this would certainly have alot more dramatic effect if I did it in front of you, but yes, I am crying as I write this. I've never been this touched before.)

Thank you too, Ian and SJ, for hearing me out on Monday, though our conversation was unfortunately cut short. Since now the both of you comes as a "package", I can just talk to both at once! Haha!

Thank God for SCGS girls! We are no doubt the best, in everything and most importantly, our characters and faith! Thank god too for ACS(I) boys and Nanhua girls!

I would be so lost without you. Sigh . . . I came to the right JC, the right class, and found . . . the right group of friends. . .

When I'm older, and perhaps more cynical, I would look back upon this memory and draw comfort in it. As I can see that there is always good people in this world, and that all is not lost, even when it seems that way. I believe there is a good person in everyone of us, and I have not lost hope yet. . .



I still have faith in you. Though you may push me away.






Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind . . . Peace.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Oh by the way, just want to shout out to all those who read this anonymously without my knowledge. The stuff I write here is pretty volatile already, but I don't really care the same. You might as well tell me who you are, if you haven't tagged on the board yet. No biggie, you'll still be the same person to me.

Something else, if you ain't straight or are just confused by your own sexuality, I wouldn't mind making a new (closer) friend. =) C'mon people, get out of the closet already. I'm here . . . waiting. Let's go bond.

Sigh, sighh, sigh again.

I hate this back and forth pendulum. Really thoroughly sick of it. Losing a friend is one thing. But to have invested so, so, so much into a friendship for the whole of last year, giving and giving all the time and yet not receiving, makes me feel that its all so unfair. After all that I've built up last year, you don't even want to give the past a chance. Don't even want to give me a chance.

This makes me wonder if its even worth the effort anymore. I'm so tired of trying. I can't seem to get through.

Today's New Year's eve dinner, was by far the saddest one I've ever had. For the first time in my life, I didn't overeat on festive occasions as usual. In fact, all appetite has left me. I had no mood. Celebrating the new year is meant to be one filled with hope and a new beginning. But all I see is a brick wall ahead. And just like last year, I'm doing the same thing again, trying, giving but never receiving.

Sometimes I'm really so frustrated. WHY? I keep asking why . . . why do you have to be so final and give up when I myself have not lost hope in you? I left the dinner table halfway, seeing my family so dysfunctional and far away from me, I felt so detached. Like I didn't really belong. Went to my room and teared a little. Everytime I have hope, I get knocked down again and have to pick up the pieces once more.

I'm so tired. I wonder what I've done to deserve this.

But I've been thinking. Is this all really worth it? Guidance, I need guidance. I have to tear myself away from this mess somehow. Just push off and let it not get to me. No matter how unfair and pointless it feels.

You're making the exact same mistake I did to Carol. Thinking in your head that nothing can be done, that normalcy is impossible. I cannot believe the folly of human nature sometimes, that we must hurt somebody before we know what we've done. And by that time, its already too late to make amends. Only regret remains. I'm pretty sure this is the first real friendship problem that you've had, and you're taking the most easy way out. Well, when you're older, you would realize what you've done. But I'll probably be gone by then. This is not the way things should end. Especially after last year's friendship.

Sigh. Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. There its gone. Smile. . . and my mood will change.

I know I deserve better in the end. I can walk away, and know that ultimately, I've done my utmost already. And I hope I have made enough amends for my other friends as well. Anyone who has friendship problems in the past, whereby friends were lost, would understand what I'm going through.

I can't believe I'm going to become your mistake. I have learnt something though. If ever someone is to love me in the future, but I don't return the feelings. I will try hell best to make the transition of getting over for that person as smooth as possible. I will try my hardest not to hurt the person, especially if its a close friend. Cos I know what he/she would be going through. Don't do unto others what you don't want others to do unto you. I will just have to find the strength within myself to be a good and sensitive person. Its not easy, but it can be done. Cos the person's love for me dosen't change anything about who he/she was as a friend before I knew about their liking me. Plus, when they're down, what they need the most is support and understanding, which I will try to give. And at the end of the day, we would both be happy as platonic friends.

Nevermind. Like I said, as long as I can be happy, and my (true) friends around me are happy.

I can be content.

-----
I'm glad though. I'm extremely happy about something, cos I've been given a chance of a lifetime. And I have Tong to thank for it. I'm really really grateful no matter what. This june, I'll be going off to Perak, Malaysia, for this leadership training camp (OBS-style) for 9/10 days. Its tailored for 20 J2s only and you are nominated by teachers to get in. Out of the whole damn cohort, only 20 get to go and I bet 100% I'll be seeing Keefe there (duh!). However, its not cheap though, $950. They are hoping to get it subsidised.

I can't wait for it. I know that it will build my character and put mental toughness in me, just as YLTC did. Maybe more so this time cos its 9 days instead of 3. And right now, after all this life troubles I'm going through, its not academic skills that I'm concerned with. I believe that utimately, what would help me get through life and make me successful, is the person I am. My character. I going to devote my time to developing it. And I know this time, when I give my effort, I will receive. I will stop wasting my love on those who won't return it ( and I'm so over you right now), and who even continues to reject the platonic one.

I will become a stronger person in the end. Jaded maybe. But isn't that what we all become in the end?